Rooms for rent!

Last Sunday, I walked from the seminary to the Carmel, not a long walk, to
say Mass and as I came to the corner of the block, which houses both the
Archbishops house and the Carmel, I noticed a sign saying, Rooms for
rent. I thought mischievously, It looks like a vocations advert!, but I knew
it referred to houses further down the lane. However, it reminded me of
something I read some years ago about God knocking at the door of a house
looking for a room. The man who answers the knock says that he does have
one small room for rent and God asks to see it. The man shows him the room
and God says, Hmm, I like what I see, but I did want more than just one
room. The man answers, Well, maybe I could let you have two rooms.
Fine, answers God, Ill take them, I like what I see, but would you consider
letting me share the whole house? The man replies, Well, I dont think I am
ready, at the moment, to share more than just two rooms. God answers,
Thats ok; Ill take the two rooms and wait until you are ready to share the
rest. I like what I see!
We sometimes think of our relationship with God in terms of black and
white we imagine that either we are with God or we are not, but that is not
how it works. Our union with God more like a marriage, except that God is
more determined to hold on to us than any marriage partner would be. In a
good marriage, we can see how the love between the couples grows over the
years but grows slowly, slowly, until at last in old age we can look at such a
couple and see how much they have become one flesh. Through good
times and bad, through quarrels and new beginnings, through hurts and
forgiveness they have learnt to fulfil the promises made on their wedding
day and truly become one with each other. So it is with us and God!
A few weeks ago, one of my students wrote an essay for me and in it,
he wrote, When we sin, we turn our back on God. Sometime ago, I would
have just accepted that statement, but this time, it caught me and I stopped
and looked at it again and thought, No! That is not how it works! There
may be a few times in our life when something like that happens, but much
more often something else is happening. Most of the time when we become
aware that we are in sin is not that we have turned away from God but
that our sin reveals to us that we had never really turned towards him in the
first place, we only thought we had. Most of us are very blind to the true
state of our relationship with God, but, the Lord has sent the Holy Spirit as
our Advocate and when we are ready for it, the Spirit uses our sin to reveal
to us that there are still rooms in our house in which we have not yet let God

live. Julian of Norwich, one of my favourite spiritual writers, puts it another

way she says, In our eyes we do not stand, but in Gods eyes we do not
fall! Meaning that we were never standing in the first place.
This way of looking at our relationship with God makes much more
sense to me than imagining that I can fall in and out of love with God several
times a day love is not like that. It grows up slowly, like a tree, but also dies
only slowly, even if we should poison it with constant bitter words and
actions. When, through sin, we become aware that we do not love God as
much as we would want, this does not mean we have turned against him it
shows us that the road before us is still long, but the Lord has promised we
will one day get there. The great saints sometimes seemed to be in great
pain when they spoke about their sins, but, I think that this was because they
were so close to the Lord that every imperfection showed up more clearly,
whereas with me, I suspect there are still whole corridors, in my house, which
are dark, dusty and unlived in, but when the Spirit leads me, through some
action I have done, to see how dark they are I feel the pain of separation,
not because the Lord has gone, but because I realise that I have never yet let
him live in that part of my house.
Such thoughts bring me back to Eastertime, which we are now
celebrating, and that great hymn of praise, The Exultet, in which the priest
or deacon sings: O happy fault, O truly necessary sin of Adam that brought
us to great a Redeemer! I cannot bring light into those dark places in my
heart, but I can open the door to the Light, by owning their darkness. When I
become aware that I am a sinner, I try not to look away and hide my head in
shame, but I try to look straight at the Lord and say: This is me, Lord! I did
that, because that is what I am like. But you are the One I want, you are
the Friend I want beside him, you are the One I choose, even though in my
weakness I can do nothing to bring you here. And Scripture assures me that
if I do this and, in my weakness and brokenness, lift up my arms to him, he
will not turn away from me, for that is the faith that opens the door of my
house to the Lord of Life.
Diary
It is some time since I have written anything in my blog. I have been
experiencing a dry period, a long winter during which I have had no
inspiration or desire to write anything. I think it has been closely connected
with the sickness and death of my sister-in-law, Mary, with whom I have been
close since my brother died, first to comfort her in her loss and then to

accompany her as she became sick herself until she finally died just over a
month ago. I used to send her an sms each morning when I woke up, for that
was the time she was going to sleep, and I would wish her peaceful dreams.
The mornings now seem a little empty, but I notice that my winter is slowly
giving way to spring, and small flowers of inspiration are beginning to grow
again.
We have finished the first term of the seminary almost and in ten days I
shall be going to Bali to lead the retreat I give each year. I have 33 people
from Sarawak and Sabah coming with me this year, so please pray for us.
About six months ago, I slipped in the bathroom and sprained my shoulder
and it hurts when I do things like towelling myself after a shower; and it hurts
particularly at night, when I lie on my side. I have tried all sorts of remedies
and some seem to help, but then it gets worse again. One of the problems is
that I do things that aggravate it like grass-cutting, so I have decided to
stop that for a while, but then late last night, I was turning into the Cathedral
grounds on my way back to the seminary, but the gate was half-closed and
we could not go in because so many cars were coming out. So, grumpy me
got out of the car and pulled the other side of the gate open, something the
other car owners would probably not have dared do, but the gate was much
heavier than I thought and I spend the night nursing my aggravated sprain!
God bless,
Terry