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Russia Uses Siberian Air Mass to

Bully Smaller Warmer Nations


Asserting its Power again in a Multi-Polar world
From Banana News (www.bananaws.com)
January 16, 2000
In an ominous development reminiscent of the cold
war, last week Russia was discovered to be
amassing millions of cubic feet of frigid Siberian
air, along the border of Kazakhstan, Ukraine, and
the small huddled States of the Baltic. The polar
air build up coincides with Russia’s recent spate of
belligerent statements about western interference
in Russia’s “near abroad” and its right to produce
as much freezing air and heated rhetoric as it
pleases.
Western European leaders expressed concern that
Russia was returning to its bullying cold war ways.
And they voiced a common suspicion that Vladimir
Putin had unleashed the snow and wintery storms
that have recently buried Europe and North
America under snowdrifts and freezing
temperatures. European leaders also expressed
concern, that Russia may be storing hidden
pockets of deep freezing snow, air, and ice, beyond
the Ural mountains, outside the viewing range of
western satellites and beyond the reach European
weather inspection services.
The Russian Minister of “abroad Stan affairs”,
Yaroslav Dmitri Vladiput Gaporchevnick, denied
that Russia had been involved in Western Europe’s
winter storms but he did admit that Russia has
continued to build up its stocks of cold Siberian
air:
“Russia’s frigid atmosphere buildup is a logical
rational response to European and North America,
and now Chinese, build up of global warming. Why
you complain because Russia moves one pawn
against everybody’s global rook attack?”
Ralf Leiterf, of the CIA’s Wind, Rain, and Fog
Division offered this assessment of Russia’s
aggressive Siberian stance from his office blimp
floating at an undisclosed location in the
atmosphere:
“As global warming spreads and China produces
more and more green house gases, Russia old
fashioned fear and paranoia about being encircled
by Western and Eastern ‘C02 emissions and warm
air masses’ has re-emerged.
The U.S. military could blast the stratosphere
above Moscow with a tropical jet stream from
Honolulu’s Hickman Air Force base. However if hot
Hawaiian air were to collide into Russia’s Siberian
air stocks, the entire planet could explode into a:
“Fog”.
This is dangerous because countries have enough
trouble making rational decisions in the fog of any
war, but we can’t expect both the U.S. and Russia
to keep their heads straight through the fog of a
Fog war. “
If to underscore the seriousness of Russia’s, winter
buildup, Georgian President Mikhail Saakasvili was
reported to be sending frantic messages to the
governments of the United States, Brazil, and
“eight equatorial countries” asking for warm air
donations”. According to Georgian news sources,
Georgian “weather agents” had intercepted a
large mass of “polar Siberian air” moving, from
Russia’s southern border towards Georgia. The
Georgian President then put the small independent
Caucasus nation on war, and ice, footing by
ordering blankets, ice skates, and hockey pucks to
be handed out to a frightened Georgian
population.
The Russian Minister of “abroad Stan affairs”,
Yaroslav Dmitri Vladiput Gaporchevnick, denied
that Russia had any intention of invading Georgia
with a battalion of Siberian temperatures and ice,
and accused the Georgian President of attempting
to foment international hysteria over some light
snow flurries and a little winter frost. He then
suggested that the Georgian President, resign, and
retire to lower Uganda, where he might better
appreciate Siberia’s moderating contribution to
Georgia’s climate.
Western European leaders responded by
announcing that they were sending eight thousand
tropical plants to Georgia’s border areas to
monitor the situation.
Undeterred by the lack of European support,
Georgia’s President pleaded with members of the
U.S. Congress, through emails, to send a million
Texas style gas heaters to his country and asked
for U.S. support in standing up to Russia’s deep
freeze bullying ways.
Shortly after the Georgia’s President’s plea,
photographers for Moscow’s newspaper Pravda,
captured Russian Premier Vladimir Putin, on film,
cross country skiing, without a shirt , hat, or ski
boots, outside the Siberian city of Novosibirsk.
When asked by reporters about the Georgian
President’s remarks, Mr. Putin rolled up a snowball
and crushed it with his bare left hand.
The Georgian President immediately called a press
conference in the Georgian capital of Tbilisi,
where, before cameras, from eighteen countries,
he seized a ”significant sized bunch” of Georgian
grapes in his right hand, and, crushed them into a
sour wine soup.
Despite their own concerns, about Russia’s winter
buildup, European leaders immediately scolded the
Georgian President for engaging in provocative
theatrics, and privately informed him to quit
whining about Russia’s weather.
In the wake of the public “fist fight” between the
two former Soviet bloc leaders, Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton invited both Premier Putin and the
Georgian President to join President Obama and
leaders from six countries in making “anti-global
warming snowman” on the White House lawn. Mrs.
Clinton asked, Russian Premier Putin, in particular,
to bring some good cold Siberian snow, and
suggested that the White House snowman would
end up blind unless Georgian grapes were used to
make “the eyes”.
Mrs. Clinton then invited Russian President
Medvedev to Al Gore’s private video studio to
“contemplate”, “breathe”, and “sigh” with the
former U.S. Vice President.
As the cold sweep of air burrowed down on Ukraine
and Georgia, the European tropical plant monitors
quickly froze and wilted, setting off alarms and
Christmas carols in six different European capitals.
Premier Putin quickly invited six European leaders,
President Obama, and the Georgia President to
Novosibirsk, to join Russian army troops in making
ice sculptures of a Russian tank battalion. The
Russian Premier also offered to lend Russian tanks
to the Georgian wine industry to help “crush the
grapes” into a fine winter wine. Premier Putin then
informed European leaders that he and the
Georgian President were “preparing” a first class
military wine to celebrate the twenty thousandth’s
anniversary of the “last ice age”.
As the mass of Siberian air finally swept across
Ukraine and Georgia, leaders around the world
discussed their options. The CIA’s Ralf Leiterf
offered this assessment of the situation by
crushing a handful of fog with his fist.
As the fog slipped through his knuckles Mr. Leiterf
said:
“It is never any use trying to mold hot and air
together. Instead we should let Russia keep their
stock of Siberian winters while we keep our stock
of Hawaii summers.
The next time any extreme Russian weather spills
over the borders, we use our technology to catch it
with air bags, pack it up, and send it as indoor air
conditioning aid, to lower Uganda.
Banana News
www.bananaws.com

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