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Olive oil ... asparagus ... if your mother is not so fancy, we can shop at the
gas station like normal people.
I want to kill a lion, fight with Mohammad Ali and drive in a convertible with
two happy zebras. [The Simpsons in Africa].
Here is the situation ... We are hopelessly lost and are about to drown.
Steven Wright : I finally got around to the dictionary. It seems the zebra did it.
[Audience laughs].
Homer : I don't get it.
Lisa : Dad, zebra did not do it. It's just the last word in the dictionary.
Homer : I still don't get it .
Lisa : It's a joke.
Homer : A joke! he he he ... I get jokes ... he he he.
If God wanted us to eat in the church, he would have made a gluttonous day.
Oh Agi, two months ago, I didn't know the meaning of the word dumbbell.
Sorry, I eat food only in the bar form. [Fitness freak Homer].
Bart : Wait dad, you're not risking your life just to impress me, are you?
Homer : Well ... yes.
Bart : COOL!
See, your mom is the steady one. That's okay in small doses. Me ... I am the
risk taker. That's why I have so many adventures.
Just remember, never be afraid to live your life on the edge ... Now let's get
home before your mother kills us.
Homer : Does this make me look fat? [with a tape recorder strapped to his
stomach to spy for the govt.]
Lisa : No, it makes you look like a tool of govt. oppression.
Homer : But not fat?
[Homer, Burns and Smithers are fleeing from the govt. with the trillion dollar
bill in a helicopter
Smithers : Wait, we're on the international waters now.
Homer : Ooh hoo! we can gamble now. [throws dice in the backseat].
You're going to love Cuba, Marge. They've got shredded pork everywhere .
Homer : I suppose you want to probe me. Well, you might as well get it over
with.
aliens Kang and Kodos : Stop! We have reached the limits of what rectal
probing can teach us.
Marge, whatever happens in the future, tell me you won't vote for Lenny.
[Midlife crisis for Homer].
They won't let me into the big people library there. Apparently there was
some unpleasant incident. [Homer researching in the children's library].
Oh! that is why I have not accomplished anything. I should be like Thomas
Edison!
Homer : Ordinary people like you look at this table and see just a table.
Inventors like me look at this table and see all kinds of things.
Marge : Homer, that's our dryer.
Homer : Awh!!! my papers!!!
You kids are no help at all. Go to your rooms and spank yourselves. [ideas for
invention].
Scientist : You find something people need and invent something to satisfy
that need.
Homer : like ...
Scientist : Or take something that exists and find a new use for it.
Homer : HAMBURGER EARMUFFS!!!
I always say a boy can learn more at an airport than at any school.
Lisa : We toil in the fields and the leader drives around in a Rolls Royce?
Homer : Eh! it will be nice if he buys American. What are you going to do?
[the whole family in the Movementarian compound].
This beans is more delicious than the ones we had for breakfast and lunch.
Marge, you are the leader?!?! You don't look anything like the beans.
I didn't choose to be a gifted actor, Marge. They chose me. I am just a vessel
through which the genius flows.
Profits, profits, profits! what kind of hippies are you? Peter Fonda must be
spinning in his grave.
See ... together we weigh 300 lbs. According to my driver's licence, I weigh
130 lbs. That means you weigh ... ... 460 lbs. Oh! good! [Homer with his pet
lobster].
They put us on the waiting list for 'Waiting to exhale'. But they told us not to
hold our breath. [Homer and Bart getting some action videos].
Wait ... wait ... here comes Marvin. He is always drunk and violent.
She is not going to leave you before the Valentine's Day. It's like going to ...
before the plane crash. [Apu and Manjula].
It's easy to blame myself. It's even easier to blame Apu. He is making us all
look bad. [about romancing the spouse].
Doctor : The best medicine for stress is laughter. You should chuckle.
Lisa : I am not the chuckling type.
Homer : That's true. I am always making funny noises and she never
chuckles.
Lisa, guess who won the pen-clicking contest? Bart said it was stupid and
stopped and I won!
Karma ceuticals woman : This is the sensory depravation tank. It blocks all
the external stimuli that bombards our souls.
Homer : Can you pee in it?
I never thought I will say this about TV. But this is a stupid show!. Aw! police
cops!!!
Homer : There is the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way.
Bart : Isn't it the wrong way?
Homer : Yes, but faster.
Why don't they build the sunroof large enough for a hunky gentleman?
[Homer being chased by the rhinos].
Oh! Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I love you all. [Homer being chased by rhinos].
... and I said to the nurse, 'you can take that free tetanus shot and shove it'.
This is the biggest steak you've got? 72-ounce steak? I thought this was a
steak house, not some girly, underpanty, tinyweeny place.
What has happened to me? It's still is food and I don't want to eat it. Oh! I've
become everything I've ever hated! [at the steak-eating contest at the
'Slaughter House'].
You're calling me a green horn? Who is a green horn? What is a green horn?
[Slaughter House fight].
Grrrrh ... looks like God made you out of my sexy rib! [Adam Homer to Eve
Marge].
It's not just a store, Marge. It's a MEGA STORE! Mega means good and store
means thing.
Good, Mr.Burns. If it doesn't go well ... here I have some jokes about how
white people are different from black people . [to enhance Burns' image].
Aw! cereal! You know I like my breakfast fried ... chicken fried.
Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge. [After Marge accidently cuts off
Homer's thumb].
You want people food? I can get you people food. [chasing the dog for his
severed thumb].
Okay, if the doctor asks you why you cut it off, tell him that you caught me in
bed with four beautiful women. [about his severed thumb].
No, I shouldnt ... with the massive blood loss and all ... although I like an
occasional beer. [at Moe's with the severed thumb].
Oh my friend, we knew this day would come. Say good bye to your brother.
[to his severed thumb].
I am sorry. I thought he was a party robot. [after pouring beer into Lisa's
science project robot].
Air port tax 5 dollars?!? .... grrrrhhh ... waive it. [shakes his fist].
Oh I get it. When I was crushing and killing you, I was a bad guy. Now when I
have to save your lives, I am Mr.Popular.
Lenny : That's pretty much it.
Homer : Oo whoo! I am Mr.Popular! [Homer, the Paul Bunyan].
You guys are the greatest friends a giant doofus can have. [Homer the Paul
Bunyan].
Homer : Oh, Connie was right. I've extinguished a whole species. What have I
done ... what have I done? [after shooting all the buffalos].
Bart : Dad , look there are two left.
Homer : [shoots them both] ... Oh what have I done ... what have I done?
In that BraveHeart movie, your army mooned the enemies until they could
not take it anymore.
Ron Howard : Why do you think I stopped acting and became a director?
Homer : Because you stopped being cute?
Hai Maggi, here ... I am a teletubby. I am all man in case you heard otherwise.
See Maggi, the ocean is a lot like the bathtub ... except for the rubber
duckies, you have the barakudas.
Wait, I can sink to the bottom and run to the shore. [drowned Homer].
The sugar cookies you are talking about ... are they real or symbolic? [Homer
at Barney's AA meeting].
We have newspapers above the urinals. Now we can read sports while we
pee.
I wanted to fire Marge every day ... you know ... just to shake things up.
[Behind the laughter - Homer's My Funny Family].
There's nothing wrong with crab grass. It's just got a bad name.
Oh yeah? The fruit of my loins can beat the fruit of your loins any day of the
week. [at the miniature golf course].
Homer : Now Bart, this is a picture of your enemy, Todd Flanders. Everyday
you should spend 15 minutes staring at it and hating him. Then you'll feel
good when you and Charlene annihilate him at the tournament.
Bart : Who is Charlene?
Homer : Stop asking questions and start hating.
Homer : Bart, come on, come on. If you lose, you're out of the family.
Marge : HOMER!
It's a small price to pay to humiliate you. [to Ned Flanders on the miniature
golf tournament between Bart and Todd].
I always knew you'll change the world ... ... for the better. [to Marge] .
How can such a small installation bring so much happiness? [illegal cable].
Bart, you can't watch that channel. It's for mommies and daddies who love
each other very much.
Sorry to interrupt your JUDGING me. I have two things to say. One, I'll
disconnect the cable after this fight is over. Two, I am not fond of any of you.
We are moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. [Santa's little
helper at Obedience school].
If you get married, you'll go for a girl, right? [asking Skinner for Selma].
Marge : Don't worry, there's plenty of fish in the sea, right, Homer?
Homer : O yeah, plenty of fish in the sea ... [whispers] ... but too little bait.
Barney, I've to find a man for my wife's big, fatty, snotty sister Selma.
And thank you for the nuclear power which is yet to cause one fatal
accident ... ... at least in this country.
Homer : Wow [cry] ... You kept me. That means you love me more.
Abe : Interesting theory!
I know he could be anywhere. That's why I want you to narrow it down for me.
[searching for his long-lost half brother Herbert].
Herb : I want you to design a car for me. I'll pay you 200,000 dollars a year.
Homer : And I want to let you.
Ow! 435 pounds! ... ow! 55 ... ow! 260 pounds! I am a big fat baby!
This is not about spite, Lisa. This is about revenge and getting back at that
traitor Moe. [after being thrown out of Moe's and starting a bar in his garage]
Lenny : How did you get the REM to perform in your garage?
Homer : I told them it was for a benefit. They think they are saving the rain
forest.
Lisa : You think the turkey is going to come and get on the plate?
Homer : I would. [for hunting license].
It's not fair. Just when I was getting to be the world's greatest bar tender,
everything is snatched away. [in charge of Moe's] .
Aw! hex town ... where hard-working immigrants dream of becoming over-fed
lazy americans!
Marge : The gypsy said horrible things will happen to those you love, Homer.
That means your family.
Homer : Are you coming on to me?
Marge : No, I am not. Good Night! Sheesh!
Trusting every aspect of our lives with a giant computer is the smartest thing
I ever did. [Pierce Brosnan as the ultra house-keeping machine].
Wait a minute, just because I am wearing a pink shirt, it doesn't mean that
I'm a ... pink donut eater.
Homer : Marge, will you fill out this form for me?
Marge : This is an intimate psychological profile. You should do it.
Homer : May be I'll ask Lisa to do it.
Psychiatrist : Mr. Simpson, after talking to your wife, I've concluded that
you're not insane.
Homer : That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Could you give
that in writing?
[The psychiatrist hands him a certificate saying that Homer Simpson IS NOT
INSANE.]
[At Moe's] For your information, I just made a COOL 25 dollars playing the
stock market. Buy high and sell low. That's my motto. I'm going to quit my job
and become ... ... the stock market guy.
I wish the candy machine was not so picky about taking beat-up dollars . ...
because many of us like candies. [suggestions for the plant].
Homer : Does your money make you happy when you're blue?
Burns : Well ... yes.
Homer : Okay, bad example.
Your mother was living with her two wicked sisters. [recalling old days].
Vow! what an ending! Who would've thought that Darth Vader was Luke
Skywalker's father! [review on his way out of the theater].
Well ... it takes a long time for me to learn anything ... I am a goofoff. [at a job
interview].
Dear Marge, you deserve the finest things in life. I can give you all that. But
they'll be repossessed and I'll be hunted down like a dog.
Look at me. I am a trainee. They won't even tell me what's in that secret
sauce.
Ooh hoo! I got the job. I got the job. Only in America can I get a job.
Bart : Here we go. Kwyjibo. [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points,
plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over.
I'm outta here.
Homer : [grabs Bart with his left hand and a banana in his right hand] Wait a
minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a
kwyjibo is .
Bart : Kwyjibo. Uh ... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge : And a short temper.
Homer : I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [leaps for Bart]
Bart : Uh oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!
Marge : Your father wanted to be a policeman for some time. But they said he
was too heavy.
Homer : No, the army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.
Homer : We have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't we have two
good kids?
Marge : Homer, we have three kids.
Homer : Marge, dog doesn't count as a kid?
Marge : I mean Maggi.
Homer : Oh yeah.
Homer : Come on Flanders, I don't complain about your ... ... ... mustache.
Ned : What's wrong with my mustache?
Homer : It looks like you got something to hide. [whispers] ... People are
talking ... lots of people.
Oh Marge! have we had one conversation in which you didn't bring up your
hero, Mr.Flanders?
[a letter to Ms.Krappbal]
Marge : How to end this letter?
Homer : How about 'with love that echoes through the ages.'?
You don't understand Marge, the lottery is the only REAL hope in my
otherwise unbearable life.
Bart, the doggie heaven is full of dog bones. You can't turn around without
sniffing a dog's butt.
Lisa : Checkers.
Homer : Mmmm ... that and one of the Lassies is also there, I think.
Vow! my concert-going shirt still fits! ... and here's where I used to hide my
beer. [there's an old beer can in the jacket pocket].
Some of the best times I've had were at the backseat of my car ... he he he.
[reminices eating pizza in the backseat].
Homer : Now boy, we spent a lot of money on this [guitar]. So you better get
real good real fast. ... orelse POW! [fist action].
Marge : Homer!
Homer : What? we are supposed to encourage him.
Okay, he can stay here. But I get to treat him like garbage. [Otto, the bus
driver living in Homer's garage].
[A tape recording showing Marge giving permission for Otto's stay in the
garage].
Homer : Marge, what were you thinking?
Marge : That is not my voice.
Homer : Oh sure. That's what everybody says when they hear their voices on
tape.
This is not Happy Days and he is not Fonzi. [Otto, the bus driver].
Finally you're going back to where you came from ...(?) of Flanders' house. [to
a broken couch].
Wait a minute. I am not going to sign anything until I read it or someone gives
me a zist of it.
Homer : Pfft ... Heavy Weight Championship? ... there are a million of those.
This was one of a kind.
Herbert : Sorry Homer, I am still mad at you. Every word you say just makes
me want to punch you in the face.
Homer : While you're a guest in my house, could you just kick me in the ass?
Herbert : I want to give you a 20-minute presentation which could change the
world!
Homer : 20 MINUTES?!?!?!
Homer : Okay, Herbert. I'll loan you that 2000 dollars. But you have to forgive
me and treat me like your brother.
Herbert : NO.
Homer : Okay, then give me that drinking bird. [a toy].
I gave him all that money and he still treats me like something he dug out of
his ear.
See .. . 'D' changes to 'B' easily. You got greedy. [to Bart who changed his
grades from 'D' to 'A']
Marge, since the kids left [to Kamp Krusty], I lost 50 pounds! Look, a new
hair! I am this close to a comb-over ... grrrrhhhh ...
Vow! a baby AND a free burger! This can be the best day of my life!
Bart : I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby I want to hold the baby I
want to hold the baby
Marge : No, she is too small. [Lisa]
Homer : Here, you can hold my beer. [places the can on Bart's head].
Forget it, Flanders. I don't want your phony baloney job. But I'll take your
money. [Mr.Plow]
When two best friends work together as partners, even God himself cannot
stop them.
[Homer and Barney in snow plowing business]
Lisa : Dad, do you remember why you let me join the beauty pagent?
Homer : Was I drunk?
Lisa : No, you wanted to make me feel good about myself.
Homer : Will you remember this when I wreck your life next time?
Insurance officer : Sorry, this insurance just covers the real stuff, not made-up
stuff.
Homer : That's just GREAT!
Doctor
Homer
Doctor
Homer
Doctor
[to a rabbi]
I know I've not been a good jew. But I rented 'fiddler on the roof'. Now can I
have 40,000 dollars?
:
:
:
:
:
[about 'A streetcar named desire' play starring Marge as Blanche and Ned
Flanders as Stanley]
Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there frontal nudity?
Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman ha ha ha. [about Marge's aunt]
[a 10-foot sandwich]
Marge : You've been eating it for a week. The mayonaisse in it is starting to
turn.
Homer : Two more feet and it will fit in the fridge.
Come to Homerceles!
[Homer remembers to pick up Bart and gets out of the bathtub and runs
naked into the street]
Ned Flanders : Hey Homer, I can see your doodles.
Homer : Shut up, Flanders.
Homer : This is a bar. This is where I come to drink alcohol which is equivalent
to your ...
Gabriel : Homer, I am NOT an angel.
Homer : Pfft ... not with THAT temper.
Cooperate? This is one family that does not swing that way.
Marge, we never ever made whoopie, not even mouth whoopie. [about his
marriage to a girl in Las Vegas, who suddenly shows up at his house].
You can't kick me out, Marge. It will cause a miscount in the census. A
miscount in the census, Marge.
Of all the things that I've done to come back and bite me in the ass, this is
the worst. [the Las Vegas girl Homer married showing up at his house].
There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it.
You should listen to your heart and not to the voices in your head.
Marge to Bart
We can't afford to shop in any store that has a philosophy. We just need a
TV.
Marge