Established, in spirit, when the University was.

Established in practice January 2009

November

The Pittiful News

The Weekly Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh • Vol. 2 • Issue 10
13
2009
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Pitt students form outlaw gang to combat Ravenstahl
By: Jake Swanson
Editor-in-Chief

A band of outlaws is starting

up at the University of Pitts-
burgh, to combat the taxes
being planned by Mayor Luke
Ravenstahl.
The group was formed by
Pitt Junior Rob Locke, who
decided to take some action
after the lack of voter turnout.
“I actually did vote,” said
Locke. “And it wasn‟t for him.
I wouldn‟t have voted for
Ravenstahl and his tax plan if
someone had been holding a
gun up to my head.”
Locke soon decided to organ-
ize a band of students to take
down the Pittsburgh admini-
stration, until, of course, the
rightful mayor comes to the
city. Locke‟s band is a rather
motley crew of Pitt students.
“Well there‟s my cousin from
Duquesne, Bill Starlet, and
there‟s of course my good
Eileen Tong/Photographer
friend John,” he said. “There‟s
a whole gang of us, about 20 or Police are blaming these bullet holes on the outlaw Rob Locke and his gang of hooligans. Locke protested,
saying that if he had shot the station, they would have been far more precise.
so. My girlfriend Mary is actu-
ally doing an internship down
at the Mayor‟s office, so she all devoted to Mary in a way, although where exactly it is is “They haven‟t exactly done
can give us insider‟s informa- she‟s helped us through so unknown. They have also got- anything yet, „cause neither
tion.” much. That‟s why we call our- ten assistance from local foun- have I, but I hate them any-
Locke‟s men are just as ex- selves „Mary‟s Men‟ from time dations and figures, such as way!” said Ravenstahl. “I‟ll
cited about the idea as their to time. It sounds trashy when Father Tucker of St. Paul‟s show them who the Mayor is!”
leader. I say it like that, but, that‟s Cathedral at 5th and Craig. Ravenstahl has employed
“Locke‟s a great leader. He‟s the way it goes. And she does This charity, though, has several new members to the
devoted to us, his ideals, and put out. Don‟t tell Rob.” held its downsides. Ravenstahl Police Force, including a sheriff
his girl,” said a member of the The gang has apparently is absolutely livid about the from the Philadelphia area.
gang, who wished to remain fashioned themselves a semi- proceedings. “I heard he was amazing at
anonymous. “Actually, we‟re hideout on Morewood Ave., the G-20 riots, so I figured that

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson
Brittany Binder Becky Kerner Phil Papa Matt Russak
Jess Edelstein Lewis Lehe Diana Ren David Smeresky
Rachel Harris Brigid Mulholland Julie Rozen Eileen Tong
Caitlin Kempf Greg Norcie Mike Ruane Emma Weimer
Here, have an e-mail address! PittifulNews@gmail.com. Now use it.
2 The Pittiful News—PittifulNews@gmail.com—www.pittifulnews.com

More cooking tips: nuke a pump- Mayor Ravenstahl to crack down on

kin pie to perfection
By: Caitlyn Kempf
Columnist
It‟s nearing time for Thanksgiv-
ing, and that means everyone is
starting to crave pumpkin pie.
No oven? No problem! You
don‟t have to head down to
Market Central when you can
just use your microwave.
1 can Pumpkin Pie Mix (it al-
ready has all the spices and
sugar in it)
1 can (5 oz.) evaporated milk
2 eggs
Mix it all together. Pour into a
bowl or something. Nuke for 3-
4 minutes, or until it doesn‟t
wiggle much when you tap the
container.
If you‟re feeling adventurous…
I like my pie crust-less, but it‟s
been said that you can do the
Are you not awesome?
There’s a (potential) cure for that!
crust in the microwave, too.
You can buy a ready-made re-
frigerated crust or a crust mix
where you add water. Put it in
your container, prick the bot-
tom with a fork a bunch of
times, and microwave for a few
minutes. Then, add your filling
and finish.
Pumpkin makes for a “healthy”
breakfast, and you can save the
mix in the fridge if you don‟t
want to cook it all right away.
How did your pie turn out?
Email Caitlin at cmk54@pitt.edu
and tell her about it.
outlaw gang
I‟d bring him in. He‟ll put a less! These snotty little up-
stop to this Rob and his starts won‟t be able to stop
„Mary‟s Men‟!” he said. me!”
The new sheriff, Guy Notts, Despite Ravenstahl‟s plan,
was considered Locke is confident in
amongst the “It is one steep his success.
best of the
Philly cops,
bill, but it’s worth “I don‟t think we‟re
going to be able to
managing to it.” stop all the taxes,” he
beat a record -Mayor Luke said. “But at least
20 students in we‟ll scare „em,
the face alone. Ravenstahl maybe make next
“And I‟ll election count.”
beat more,” said Notts. “The Locke is only encouraged by
Mayor‟s paid me a hefty sum the fact that Sheriff Notts has
to come on as a police chief…I few leads.
think it‟s actually costing more “We got no idea what this
than he would be getting from kid looks like, or where exactly
this whole Pitt tax thing.” he is,” said Notts. “Most I
“It is one steep bill,” said could get is that he‟s known
Ravenstahl, when asked to for wearing a hoodie all the
comment, “but it‟s worth it. time. He‟s called Rob „Hoodie‟
To make up for it, we‟ll be tak- at some parts, actually. I‟ll get
ing away more tax exemp- him yet.”
tions. Father Tucker‟s church
is going to have the commun-
ion wafers taxed out of them.
Food taxes, taxes on the home-

The University of Pittsburgh is testing out the Corrections

“Pittiful News” as a test for the medical condition
known as awesomenesslessness. Participants may
come to Room 329 of the Cathedral at 6:00 on
Wednesdays to undergo testing.
Another method of testing is to send e-mailed mate-
rial, for analysis, to PittifulNews@gmail.com.
Both methods have been clinically proven to get writ-
ings in print and induce laughter.
In last week’s issue, the “Mrs. PMS-ing Mountain” comic
was not credited to Phil Papa, the artist and writer. This was
mainly due to the fact that the editor wasn’t entirely sure
that Phil would want his name attributed with such a worth-
less piece of crap. Turns out, the editor was wrong.
The Pittiful News regrets these errors and sincerely hopes
that they don’t happen again.

Mrs. PMS-ing Mountain Text by: Mike Ruane, Art by: Phil Papa