Background

BIG CITY is a modified “fish out of water” series (minus the extreme culture shock) about a
group of twenty-somethings who have moved to New York City from different parts of the
country over the past several years and work at Sullivan MacDonald, a fictitious major
advertising agency.

Over this time, friendships have formed and they develop their own “clique” at the agency
(which has the mentality of your typical high school, complete with the different cliques, the
endless gossip, and everybody hooking up). “Work hard, play harder” is their motto as the line
between work and fun is continually blurred.

The show follows the personal and professional lives of the people within the group, led by the
always wild and politically incorrect Matthew Angelo and Jonathan White, two of its older
members.

The series picks up at a time when all principle characters have been in New York City and
associated with the agency for at least a year. Most are still with the agency but some, who have
been in NYC for a while- like Kelly Evans and Eddie Omar, have moved on to other agencies in
Midtown Manhattan. The job changes haven’t affected the group dynamics since they have all
remained close friends.

In the first episode, the action begins on a late Friday afternoon in early autumn. Work is
winding down for a long, busy week; Matt, Johnny and company begin to relax and enjoy
themselves at the office as they prepare for a Friday night party being thrown by a fellow co-
worker.

- -1
 CHARACTER SUMMARY

Jonathan White (aka “J Wizzle”) – A native New Englander who says and does a lot of rude,
crude and obnoxious things. He lets loose with his mouth all the time and doesn’t care about
offending anyone or any other potential ramifications. Johnny has a desire to feel like a thug
sometimes, which leads him to be heavily influenced by another white thug, Eminem.

Matthew Angelo (aka “Chuck Diesel”) – A Maryland native who is the “elder statesman” of
the group; he’s a jolly, fun loving guy in his late twenties. Matthew lost all of his hair in a freak
gas grill barbequing accident. Most of his friends his age are married, but Matthew wants to
“keep it real” and still wants to have maximum fun in life.

Kelly Evans – A South Carolinian with a thick accent who defies the “southern belle” stereotype
with her partying and her yearning to be thought of as a true “New Yorker”. She’s the link
between the guys and girls. She’ll hang out with the guys one night and organize an outing with
the girls the next night. Kelly dates Johnny and has given herself the tough task of trying to keep
him from continually going over the line.

Heather Pierce – The pure definition of a Texan girl. She’s sort of a tomboy (likes to drink beer
and hang out with the boys) but she’s also very feminine (she’ll flirt with the guys, especially
when she’s drunk). Needless to say, she gets along very well with Kelly since they share many
of the same traits.

Amy Smith – another fellow Texan, she’s too nice and naïve for the rough and tumble New
York City life. Think a Dorothy from Wizard of OZ type of girl. And because Texans stick
together, she’s the roommate of Heather

Jill Mather – A Westchester, NY native. She grew up closest to NYC, so she’s the most “New
York” of them all. Although she’s from an affluent town, she remains pretty grounded. Jill is a
little flighty as she goes through life just enjoying it, not really knowing what she wants out of it.

Joshua Goldstein – Your typical Jewish Long Islander. Although he is a bigger guy who’s
balding, he is also cocky with a big ego. Goldstein is the self-proclaimed “coolest guy on the
planet.”

Eddie Omar – an upstate New Yorker by way of Pakistan. At age 32, he’s technically the oldest
person within the group, however his maturity is that of a guy in his late teens, early twenties.
He’s like a deviant Peter Pan since he refuses to grow up.

- -2
 BIG CITY
Pilot Episode
Season 1, Episode 1 - “Amy Becomes A Woman”
By Jason Wiese

FADE IN

EXT. – NEW YORK CITY SKYSCRAPER, MIDTOWN MANHATTAN - DAY

The camera pans up the length of the building, starting at street level. This building is home to
the Sullivan-McDonald Advertising Agency and thus the workplace for the majority of the cast.

CUT TO:

INT. – OFFICE FLOOR OF THE SULLIVAN-MACDONALD AGENCY BUILDING

CLOSE-UP OF A CLOSED OFFICE DOOR

After a few seconds of silence, the DOOR swings open and out strolls JONATHAN WHITE
(a.k.a. “J WIZZLE”) into the hallway with a BOTTLE of JACK DANIELS in one hand and a
colored, PLASTIC CUP in the other.

JONATHAN is a blonde haired, blue eye, slightly balding guy in his middle twenties. His
clothing is strictly khakis and buttoned-up, collared shirts.

He takes a look around the hallway then glances back into his office over to his ALARM CLOCK
sitting on the windowsill.

ALARM CLOCK – 4:00 PM

JONATHAN WHITE (a.k.a. “JAY WIZZLE”)

(to himself)
4 o’clock on a Friday (pauses to take a sip from the bottle, not from the
cup)…time to kick it up a notch.

MEDIUM SHOT OF THE OFFICE FLOOR

Wizzle begins to walk slowly from his office to the cube area on the office floor (camera follows
him from over his left shoulder with a rough bounce with every step, this is no steady cam).

He enters a cube and puts down his bottle, keeping the plastic cup in his hand, then continues to
walk around the main hallway slowly passing window office after window office. Every once
and a while he’ll pass somebody who shouts out his name. He retorts with a simple “Yo” or “Yo,
what’s up.”

- -3
OPENING CREDITS ROLL as Jonathan strolls through the halls.

Finally, he walks up to Matt’s office. MATT ANGELO (a.k.a “Chuck Diesel”) is a jolly, fun-
loving older guy, in his late twenties. He’s lost all of his hair in a freak gas grill barbequing
accident.

IN MATT’S OFFICE

WIZZLE
Yo Chuck Diesel, I got some cocktails brewing in my office.

MATT ANGELO
(smiles)
Alright, great.

WIZZLE
Swing on by, let’s start off the night right.

MATT
I gotta make one quick call to my client, then I’ll stop by.

WIZZLE
Fuck that, come over now.

MATT
Just give me a minute.

WIZZLE
Alright. Let a couple of the other guys know that we’ll be in my
office, no fuckin’ tools though.

OFFICE HALLWAY

Wizzle leaves Matt’s office and continues to walk around the hallway.

WIZZLE’S OFFICE

Wizzle puts his PHONE on “Send All Calls” as he sits back and enjoys a sip of his alcoholic
concoction. He rubs his face with one hand enjoying the fact that the long, tough workweek is
almost over.

Matt rushes into Wizzle’s office as giddy as a little schoolboy. He’s carrying a YM MAGAZINE
with Amanda Bynes on the cover.

WIZZLE
What’s going on dude?

- -4
 MATT
Check this out, Amanda Bynes is on the cover, she’s so hot.

WIZZLE
Ahhh, yes, so young, so firm, so hot, so illegal.

MATT
Check out what I did to one of the pictures inside.

Matt opens up the magazine to a picture of Amanda with a hole cut out in her crotch area. He
puts the page up to his face and sticks his tongue through the hole.

WIZZLE
(laughs)
Damn, that’s good stuff!

HEATHER walks into the office as Matt still has the magazine up to his head, a look of disgust
covers her face. HEATHER PIERCE is the quintessential tall, Texas girl in her young twenties.
Her ample chest makes her the target of many comments from the males in the office.

HEATHER PIERCE
(disgusted)
Ewwww, what are you doing?!

MATT puts down the magazine and looks at Heather.

MATT
Oh so I’m the asshole. I punch a hole through the crotch of an under
aged hot chick and I’m the asshole. Yeah I’m the bad guy.

WIZZLE
It might be juvenile and politically incorrect, but it’s god damn funny.

HEATHER
I think I’ll come back when you boys settle down.

Heather walks out of the office.

WIZZLE
Oh well, your loss. (looks at Matt) You want a cocktail?

MATT
Serve it up bro.

- -5
As Wizzle starts pouring another drink, JOSHUA GOLDSTEIN comes swaggering into the
office. Goldstein is an overweight, balding Jewish guy in his late twenties. He has a big ego and
proclaims himself the “legend of the office.”

JOSHUA GOLDSTEIN
Are you ladies ready to party tonight!

Goldstein immediately takes a seat in the chair in front of Wizzle’s desk.

WIZZLE
Yeah, should be a good time.

GOLDSTEIN
Good time? Fuck you, it’ll be a great time. I got a lot of people
coming in for my party.

WIZZLE
Great, just what we need to see tonight, more Long Island trash.

GOLDSTEIN
Well whatever, bro. My parties always kick ass. The big question
Is who am I going to fuck tonight?

Both Wizzle and Matt collectively roll their eyes just at the notion that Goldstein thinks he’s some
sort of cool ladies man.

GOLDSTEIN
Do you guys realize I’ve reached legendary status around this place?

WIZZLE
Why? Cause you fuck the help? Cause you fuck fat, ugly jew
broads?

MATT
You’re fucking a chick that looks like Tiger Woods and you want me
to give you props for that?

GOLDSTEIN
Yeah, but she’s 19 and a hot little number.

WIZZLE
Fuckin’ bitch is so flat, her tits are almost inverted. I’m not even going
to mention her hairy back either.

Wizzle starts to look intensely at his computer screen.

- -6
 GOLDSTEIN
Whatever, I’m getting more action than you.

WIZZLE
No shit, dickhead, I have a girlfriend. Everyone’s getting more action
than me…fuck, Amy’s getting more ass than me! (Pause) Hey guys,
who should I start this week, Troy Hambrick going up against the
‘Skins or Warrick Dunn against the Saints.

As is always the case, attention shifts immediately whenever a Fantasy Football conversation
comes up. Both Matt and Goldstein walk over to Wizzle so they can see the computer screen as
well.

MATT
That’s tough, Dunn is probably more consistent, but he shares
time with Duckett. He probably won’t get that many touches.

GOLDSTEIN
Yeah but how long is Parcells going to stay with Hambrick if he
sucks it up again. And that offensive line isn’t anything great,
you know?

The PHONE RINGS. Wizzle looks at his caller ID and picks up the phone before it can go to
voicemail.

On the other end of the phone is KELLY EVANS, Wizzle’s southern, all-American girlfriend.
She’s a southern trying to live her life as New York chic, but she’s still grounded enough to like
football, beer and steak; she doubles as a guy’s guy.

Kelly once worked at the agency but now works at a neighboring agency down the street.

SPLIT SCREEN – WIZZLE ON ONE SIDE, KELLY, SITTING IN HER CUBE, ON THE
OTHER SIDE

Wizzle is still concentrating deeply on his computer screen.

WIZZLE
Hey babe.

KELLY EVANS
Hello, baber. What are you doing?

WIZZLE
Actually, I’m right in the middle of this big client project that I need to
send out before 5. Can I call you back when I’m done?

- -7
 KELLY
Oh yeah, sure.

WIZZLE
Thanks babe.

Both Kelly and Wizzle hang up the phone.

RETURN TO A MEDIUM SHOT OF THE OFFICE

WIZZLE
So what do you think I should do guys? I guess it doesn’t matter,
whoever I start will suck, whoever I bench will rip shit up.

MATT
Go with Hambrick, Carter’s not gonna put any points on the board.

WIZZLE
Alright, I’m going with Hammy. (Pause) Goldstein, you want a
drink?

GOLDSTEIN
No, that’s ok, I only drink premium scotch, aged at least 12 years.

Goldstein walks back to the chair and takes a seat again.

WIZZLE
You know, I can’t wait until they move you off that cushy,
cozy liquor account and move you onto something like tampons
or KY.

MATT
God knows you have the experience to be on KY.

WIZZLE
Then you’ll come crashing back down to earth.

GOLDSTEIN
Nope, won’t happen. They won’t move me off, I’ll leave if
they do that.

ANGELA walks into the office. Angela is a tough, athletic girl in her early-twenties from Long
Island with an attitude. She is very Long Island, but not Jewish.

MATT
Hey look guys, it’s Angela.

- -8
 ANGELA
(with an attitude, but a smile)
What the fuck are you guys doing?

WIZZLE
Boozing…want some?

ANGELA
What do you have?

WIZZLE
Jack and coke…I probably have some Natty Lights around here too.

ANGELA
Natty Lights, what are we back in fuckin’ college?

WIZZLE
No, look around this place, we’re back in high school.

GOLDSTEIN
You coming to my party tonight?

ANGELA
(laughs)
No, I can’t.

GOLDSTEIN
Why not?

ANGELA
I already have plans to go out with my friends from Long Island.

GOLDSTEIN
Where’re you going?

ANGELA
Sutton Place.

MATT
You are so bridge and tunnel. Why go there, you’re just gonna
be around 400 sweaty, ogre looking guys named Vinny telling
everyone they’re from Strong Island. Save a few dollars and go
to a bar in Long Island, it’s the same experience.

Heather and AMY enter the office.

- -9
AMY SMITH is a short, non-descript Texan girl also in her early-twenties with virginal
qualities. She’s pretty naïve, think Dorothy from Kansas coming to the big city of New York
City. She also has never sworn once in her life.

MATT
Now, it’s getting to be a packed house.

Wizzle reaches down on the floor, picks up two NATURAL LIGHT BEER CANS and throws
them to the two girls.

WIZZLE
I know my Texas friends would love some Natty Lights.

HEATHER
Yeah I would.

HEATHER quickly opens a can and immediately takes a big gulp. Amy looks at her beer
indifferently.

AMY SMITH
I don’t drink beer.

WIZZLE
Come on, suck it up.

AMY
I don’t like beer.

WIZZLE
What are you fuckin’ four years old? Everyone likes beer.

AMY
I don’t. I like wine, do you have wine.

WIZZLE
This isn’t a fuckin’ liquor store, bitch. (Pause) However, Matt,
why don’t you send your intern out on another beer run, while
they’re at it, they can grab a box of wine or some Boone’s Farm.
Whatever, the chicks want, spare no expense.

Matt looks at his watch.

MATT
Nah man, let’s save it, it’s almost 5 o’clock. We’re almost out
of here.

- - 10
Off screen, a girl starts talking very loud on the phone in the background outside of Wizzle’s
office.

WIZZLE
Yeah, I hear you, anyways…

Wizzle is interrupted by the girl’s loud voice, she’s talking even louder than before.

CLOSE-UP OF GIRL IN A CUBE

The GIRL, known as THE ABORTION around the office, is a selfish, obnoxious, loud mouth in
her early twenties; the definition of daddy’s little rich girl and a typical JAP. She is always on
the phone with her mother or plotting her next Hamptons weekend with her Westchester friends.

THE ABORTION
(yelling)
Ma, Ma, Maaa, no Maaa, you don’t get it. You don’t know how
the real world works Maaa, I do! You’re expected to work from
9-5 around here. It’s horrible! I had to skip my Spa appointment
yesterday because I had to work on stupid flowcharts until 6:30.
(Pause to listen to her Ma) No, that’s not how they do it here,
you have to stay until the work gets done. (Pause) I know it’s
terrible, I haven’t had time to get a pedicure in two weeks!

BACK IN WIZZLE’S OFFICE

Everyone in the office is listening to The Abortion’s phone conversation in silence. Most are
rolling their eyes figuring that it’s just another loud conversation that they’re forced to hear.
Wizzle breaks the silence.

WIZZLE
Friggin’ J.A.P., every two minutes, this slut’s on the phone annoying
everyone around her. It’s ridiculous. I swear to god, if I had a time
machine and could use it only once, I’d go back twenty-two, twenty-
three years ago, find her mother when she was pregnant, wherever
that skank may be, and kick her in the stomach…well, and I’d throw
her down a flight of stairs for good measure. Damn, that bitch
should’ve been aborted.

HEATHER
That’s great, some people would use a time machine to create world
peace or stop a major tragedy from happening, but Wizzle would
make sure that a woman has a miscarriage.

- - 11
 ANGELA
You’re a real credit to humanity.

WIZZLE
I don’t care, please if I did that, you’d all be thanking me. I would
be helping the human race.

Matt looks like he’s thinking of a scheme.

MATT
Don’t worry, I’ll take care of her.

GOLDSTEIN
Uh oh, Matt’s scheming.

HEATHER
Hey, where’s Jill?

WIZZLE
I dunno, ever since she’s moved to the other side of the office,
It’s like out of sight, out of mind. I’ll IM her and get her to
come over.

Wizzle types on his computer for a few seconds.

MATT
So, Amy, I’m trying to get my assistant, Richard, out to the
party tonight. I think you two should hook it up.

AMY
Richard, Richard Walker? I don’t want Richard Walker, I have
no interest in him.

MATT
Why not? He’s a good kid, he’s so innocent.

AMY
He’s a dork.

WIZZLE
Well last time I checked it’s not like YOU’RE like Li’l Kim.

AMY
What does that mean?

- - 12
 WIZZLE
Come on, take a step back and think about it for a second,
Richard is made for you.

AMY
Why would you say something like that?

WIZZLE
Because, I bet that if I asked both of you two your idea of the
perfect date, the answers would be eerily similar. It’d probably
include going to see a matinee of the latest Disney film, like
Little Mermaid Part II, followed by a trip to the Hershey’s
candy store, or better yet, stopping to get cotton candy. And of
course the date would culminate at either the Olive Garden or
Red Lobster, you know one of those crappy suburbia restaurants
that suck.

AMY
I can’t believe you, I can’t believe that’s what you think?!

WIZZLE
Oh what, am I wrong?

Wizzle looks around the room to gauge everyone’s reaction.

WIZZLE
Well, guys am I wrong?

Both Matt and Goldstein nod in approval.

MATT
Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head.

AMY
You guys are pigs.

WIZZLE
Well ladies, am I wrong?

Heather and Angela are both looking down at the floor, not wanting to answer the question.
They know Wizzle’s assessment is correct, but they don’t want to admit it to Amy.

HEATHER
No, Amy deserves better!

- - 13
 WIZZLE
Yeah, ok, you’re just saying that. Why don’t you just admit it?

ANGELA
White, just fuckin’ drop it.

WIZZLE
(smiles)
Ok, fine.

JILL walks into the office. JILL MATHER is a short, half-Japanese, half Jewish girl in her mid-
twenties. She also is the only person in the group that lived in the New York metro area
(Westchester) during college, prior to her professional career starting.

HEATHER
It’s Jill!

GOLDSTEIN
What’s going on Jill?

JILL MATHER
(waves her hand to everyone)
Hello.

MATT
You coming out tonight?

JILL
Yes.

GOLDSTEIN
Is your man, Miguel, coming too?

JILL
No, no he’s not.

WIZZLE
Of course he’s not going to come out, he doesn’t exist!

ANGELA
Why do you always say that about her boyfriend?

WIZZLE
Because, I swear to god the guy doesn’t exist. Has anyone around
here ever seen him? (waits to hear a reply from someone, but one
never comes) No, no one has. The fuckin’ guy is like Vera from

- - 14
 WIZZLE (continued)
Cheers, you know, Norm’s wife. Jill always talk about him, but
no one ever sees him.

JILL
He does exist, he just never hangs out with you guys.

WIZZLE
Why not?

MATT
Well come on, he couldn’t hang around with us. He’d be too
jealous, he’d see how cool we are, and it’d piss him off because
he’d would figure that Jill would leave him for one of us.

WIZZLE
True, very true, I see your point.

JILL
(mockingly)
Yeah, you’ve got it, he’s too jealous of you guys to hang out.
(Pauses) Actually, he’s busy with his school work, and he
usually just hangs out with his high school friends on the
weekend.

WIZZLE
Why are we even wasting our time discussing a guy that doesn’t
even exist?

Kelly walks up to the office and stands at the door. She has just come from work, so she has her
bag slung over one shoulder and a Budweiser TALL BOY in one hand. She greets everyone
with a big smile.

KELLY
Hello guys!

WIZZLE
Look ladies and gentlemen, it’s my gal, Kelly.

KELLY
So did you send out that thing that you needed to get out to your
client?

Wizzle has to think a second about the question and remember the lie that he told a little while
ago to her.

- - 15
 WIZZLE
Oh, yes, yes I did. I sent that analysis thing that I was working on
and then I served up some cocktails for the peeps. I was just about
to call you and tell you to come over.

KELLY
Yeah right, I know you mister forgetful, I figured you’d forget to call
me that’s why I just came over.

HEATHER
It’s great that you work just across the street now. It makes the fact
that you left this place a little more bearable.

KELLY
Yeah, it’s so convenient, it’s great!

WIZZLE
Hey, so now that both Jill and Heather are here, I have a question
for you girls.

JILL
Yes?

WIZZLE
It’s a question that Matt and I have been pondering for weeks now.

HEATHER
Go ahead.

WIZZLE
Whose breasts are bigger? Yours or Jill’s?

Of course Wizzle is alluding to the ample chests of both girls.

All the females in the office groan in disapproval of the question.

KELLY
White, you’re so disgusting.

WIZZLE
Come on, it’s an honest question.

HEATHER
I think Jill is bigger.

- - 16
 WIZZLE
Jill? No.

HEATHER
Yes.

KELLY
Yeah, I agree too.

WIZZLE
Really, I think both me and Matt thought Heather’s were.

MATT
Well I think in a water displacement test, I think Jill would win.
But I still would’ve said Heather had bigger. It that makes any
sense.

KELLY
Water displacement test?

MATT
Yeah, both girls would dip their breasts in a tank of water to
see who would displace the most water. That would tell us
whose breasts have more mass.

HEATHER
Well, I don’t know about that but Jill’s definitely bigger.

MATT
Really? Huh.

WIZZLE
Well, when you’re that big, does it really matter? There’s
not much a difference between a 34D and 36D to me.

MATT
Amen.

Heather and Jill both have a look of shock on their faces after Wizzle guesses their bra size.

HEATHER
Oh, dear lord.

- - 17
 MATT
Ok, I don’t think we’re winning any friends around here, let’s
move on.

KELLY
So what’s the plan kids?!

WIZZLE
(looking at Matt)
Call the ball Mav. (referencing Top Gun)

Matt looks at his watch.

MATT
I think it’s time to leave, let’s wrap it up.

Just as everyone gets ready to stand up, TOM O’NEIL walks up to the doorway. Tom is a
typical laid-back New Jersey guy in his mid-thirties who still acts like a teenager. The fact that
he’s married with two young children doesn’t stop him from hitting on the ladies in the agency.

He also doesn’t know when to say when and drinks entirely too much when he’s out at night, and
during the day. Basically, he has a general disregard for the responsibilities he has as a married
man with kids. He has even managed to alienate both Wizzle and Matt with his behavior, a
tough thing to do considering their open-mindedness to all types of people.

TOM O’NEIL
(mischievously)
Hey guys…anything going on tonight?

Silence engulfs the room as everyone looks to each other; finally Matt speaks up after a few
seconds.

MATT
Ahh, I don’t know. I know that I’M going home, making dinner and
going to sleep early. It’s been a long week.

TOM
Come on Matt, don’t be a pussy. Let’s go out for a few beers.

MATT
Sorry, dude, I can’t…too tired.

TOM
(looks around the room)
Jill, Kelly?

- - 18
 KELLY
I think we’re going to take it easy tonight, me and Jill are probably just
going to rent a movie.

Tom begins to look sad as he sees his options dwindling.

CHRIS
White, come on White. You’re always up for some drinking!

WIZZLE
Not tonight Thomas. I need to get home, I have a big day
planned tomorrow.

TOM
Why, what’re you doing?

WIZZLE
‘Canes play at noon tomorrow, big game, so I have to wake up at
8 o’clock so I can start tailgating in my apartment.

TOM
You’re a pussy too. (Pause) So nobody wants to go out tonight,
huh?

MATT
Nope, sorry dude.

TOM
Oh, alright, I guess I’ll pick up a few road sodas for the bus ride
home. (Pause) You guys have a nice weekend.

MATT
Yeah, you too.

Tom walks away dejected.

MATT
Alright, let’s get the hell out of here before he comes back.

WIZZLE
I hear that.

Goldstein stands up and heads out of the office.

GOLDSTEIN
I’m gonna run home right now so I can set up for tonight.

- - 19
 WIZZLE
Cool. I’m gonna shut down.

HEATHER
I’m going to shut down too.

MATT
Ok, let’s meet by the elevators in ten minutes.

ANGELA
I’ll see you all on Monday, have fun.

Angela and everyone else leaves the office except for Wizzle, who stays seated behind his desk,
and Kelly, who sits down in the chair previously occupied by Goldstein.

WIZZLE
Well, now it’s just you, me and (pause) my balls. (Pause)
Do you want to fuck?

KELLY
(rolls her eyes and speaks sarcastically)
Ohh White, you’re such a romantic.

WIZZLE
So, is that a no?

KELLY
No way, absolutely not!

WIZZLE
Why not? Come on, shut the door and let’s go to town. It’ll be
a good beginning to the night.

KELLY
I’m done having sex in the office, no more.

WIZZLE
Geez, what ever happened to the adventurous Kelly Evans?

KELLY
I can still be adventurous!

WIZZLE
No you can’t. Face it, you’re boring.

- - 20
 KELLY
(yells)
I am not! I’m not boring, it’s more like I’m responsible.

WIZZLE
Hey, there’s nothing wrong about that. Some would say that’s
pretty admirable…(pause)…I would not be one of them though.
(Pause) I just wanna fuck.

KELLY
What is your obsession with doing it in the office?

WIZZLE
It’s not just my obsession, every guys wants to do it.

KELLY
Why?

WIZZLE
I don’t know…I guess it’s like a badge of honor or something. For
me it’s more personal, I hate everything about work and this office,
so if I can create one good memory in here it would make me a
happier, more productive employee. In fact, Sullivan-MacDonald
should endorse and even sponsor my getting laid in the office.
(Pause) Maybe they’d subsidize my hookers.

Kelly picks up a STAPLER and throws it Wizzle. Wizzle takes evasive action by ducking
quickly, the stapler just barely misses him.

KELLY
Asshole!

WIZZLE
Whoa, watch out. That could’ve done some serious damage.

KELLY
(mad)
I wish it did.

WIZZLE
(laughs)
Calm down, calm down. I’m just kidding.

Kelly looks at her watch.

- - 21
 KELLY
Ok, it’s time to go.

WIZZLE
Alright.

Wizzle pours one final drink for the road then shuts down his computer, stands up, grabs his bag
and walks out of the office with Kelly. He shuts the door behind him and the office goes dark.

IN THE HALLWAY

While Wizzle is locking his office door, TIFFANY walks up to him and Kelly.

TIFFANY MILLER, is a typical WASPY, blonde hair, blue eyed preppy girl in her young
twenties from upper class Connecticut.

TIFFANY MILLER
(smiles)
You ready for the showdown tonight?

WIZZLE
Am I ready? (scoffs) Please. You’re just going to become another
victim in a long line of victims. I’m going to bury you. I’m going
to anally rape you, not literally of course, unless you’re into that
kind of shit.

KELLY
(confused)
What’s going on?

The three start walking slowly through the hallway and towards the lobby.

WIZZLE
New girl over here thinks she can out drink me, so I’ve challenged her
to a drink off tonight. Matching drink for drink and we take turns
choosing the drinks. (Pause) I enjoy the rookies around here, they
talk big talk, it’s going to be fun to see her get absolutely demolished
by me.

TIFFANY
Gimme a break, you can’t drink.

KELLY
(surprised)
Yeah, you may not want to talk too much Tiffany. I’ve seen him drink
many times, it’s quite impressive and inhuman.

- - 22
 TIFFANY
So? I’m not scared.

WIZZLE
Ahh, it’s great. The bigger the ego, the harder the fall. (Pause) We’ll
see what happens. I do have a surprise in store for you once I start
kicking your ass.

TIFFANY
What is it?

WIZZLE
You’ll see, all in good time.

Matt comes down the hallway laughing and grabs Wizzle. They start walking the opposite way
while Kelly and Tiffany continue walking towards the lobby.

MATT
Hey, you have to check this out.

WIZZLE
What? What’s going on?

MATT
I gotta show you something…you know that Windex that The
Abortion has on her desk?

WIZZLE
Yeah.

MATT
Well, take a look at it now.

Matt brings Wizzle over to The Abortion’s cube.

IN THE ABORTION’S CUBE

Wizzle sees the WINDEX on her desk and, upon noticing that the color of the liquid has changed
from its normal blue to green, a big smile creeps onto his face.

MATT
Think back to art class in grade school, when you learned about
primary and secondary colors. Remember…yellow and blue
make green.

- - 23
 WIZZLE
(laughs)
That’s awesome! Pissing in the Windex, damn near genius.
You don’t find that much in the workplace

MATT
Unfortunately you don’t, I don’t know why. I say, Fuck
that bitch.

WIZZLE
I second that emotion.

Just for added measure, Wizzle picks up a FOLDER full of papers and throws it across her desk,
spilling the papers all over the place.

MATT
Ok, let’s go.

Matt and Wizzle walk away.

CLOSE-UP OF THE URINE FILLED WINDEX BOTTLE

IN THE LOBBY

Matt and Wizzle walk into the lobby where Kelly, Tiffany, Heather, Amy and Jill are waiting for
the elevators.

KELLY
We all ready kids?

MATT
Yep, all ready.

KELLY
So what were you guys doing back there?

MATT
Oh, nothing.

KELLY
Why do I get the feeling that you guys were up to no good?

WIZZLE
Not us, nonsense.

The RING of the elevator’s arrival sounds.

- - 24
 KELLY
We go.

The ELEVATOR DOOR opens up and they all get in it. The doors close.

CUT TO:

EXT. – ON THE STREET, OUTSIDE OF THE OFFICE BUILDING

Wizzle, Matt, Kelly, Heather, Amy, Jill and Heather exit the building together.

WIZZLE
It’s time for me and the Mrs. to spend some quality time
together. We’re going to grab a quick bite at Patsy’s and
meet you guys up there in about an hour.

MATT
You’re a whipped man, White, a whipped man.

KELLY
That he is, and I love it. We’ll see you up there.

Wizzle and Kelly break away from the pack and walk their own separate way.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. – ON A MANHATTAN STREET, BY GOLDSTEIN’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Wizzle and Kelly are walking down the sidewalk approaching Goldstein’s apartment building.
Wizzle is carrying a PLASTIC GROCERY BAG, presumably filled with a case of beer.

They both approach the front door, Wizzle presses the BUZZER for Goldstein’s apartment.
They wait about 10 seconds in total silence then press the buzzer again.

WIZZLE
Come on, where is this fucker? I talked to him two minutes ago
to tell him we were right around the corner.

Finally, Goldstein’s staticy voice comes over the intercom, each word breaks up due to the static.

GOLDSTEIN’S VOICE
Yo, who is it?

WIZZLE
Goldstein, open the friggin’ door!

- - 25
 GOLDSTEIN’S VOICE
Alright.

The door BUZZES and Kelly and Wizzle walk into the apartment building.

CUT TO:

INT. – GOLDSTEIN’S APARTMENT

Wizzle swings open the door and both he and Kelly walk into a raucous house party with LOUD
MUSIC and colorful LIGHTS FLASHING.

Dozens of twenty-something professionals are either dancing in the living room, hallway,
kitchen or hanging out in several different locations with various groups of people. Most are
chilling out though and not exerting too much energy.

50 CENT’S “P.I.M.P” is blasting in the background.

GOLDSTEIN, the self-proclaimed “life of the party”, comes barreling through the crowd and
gives Wizzle and then Kelly a great big bear hug. He’s carrying a large GOBLET, filled with
some Bacardi concoction. With his swagger and look, he definitely believes that 50 Cent
recorded that song with him in mind.

GOLDSTEIN
What’s up guys! Come right in, come right in.

Wizzle, Kelly and Goldstein walk into the apartment and towards the kitchen.

WIZZLE
Where do you want me to put my D’Agostino’s Light? I’m going to
need to ice them down ‘cause they’re warm. They were sort of an
impulse buy, they were being sold at the cash register in the market.

GOLDSTEIN
You can see if there’s room in the fridge, or we have a few coolers on
the balcony. Wherever you want to put them big man.

WIZZLE
Well I don’t care, I’m not gonna drink this shit. I’ve ingested urine
that has left a better aftertaste.

Wizzle walks into the kitchen.

CUT TO:

- - 26
EXT. – GOLDSTEIN’S APARTMENT, ON THE BALCONY – NIGHT

Later in the evening.

Wizzle, Kelly, Matt, Jill, Heather and Amy are hanging out in a circle on the deck/balcony with a
couple of other friends: JACOB, a big Texan in his mid-twenties (Jacob is the definition of a
stereotypical Texan), and his girlfriend, STACEY, a mid-twenties Texan blonde with model-
esque looks.

Everyone in the group has obviously had more than a few drinks by this point, each is holding a
Dixie PLASTIC CUP (Kelly, Jill and Staci are also enjoying a CIGARETTE) and the scene is
picked up mid-conversation.

WIZZLE
I’m dead serious, I can do this, I have a special gift.

HEATHER
(disgusted)
Ewww, no you don’t.

MATT
No, girls he can do it. I’ve seen him in action, it’s scary.

The girls all look skeptical.

WIZZLE
I’m telling you, I can smell virgins.

Everyone laughs.

WIZZLE
Watch, I’ll show you.

Wizzle starts sniffing around for a few seconds as he looks over everyone in the group.

WIZZLE
Nope, everyone’s ok here. There ain’t no virgins up in this
group.

He winks at Amy.

HEATHER
Oh, come on, that’s bullshit.

KELLY
Yeah, shut up White.

- - 27
 WIZZLE
I’m dead serious about this. I have a range of about 5 to 10 feet, you
stick me that close to anyone and I’ll tell you if they’ve been popped
yet.

All the girls are disgusted by Wizzle’s last comment.

AMY
How do you know this?

WIZZLE
I find that virgins have a distinct smell to them.

KELLY
Get the hell outta here, what kind of smell?

WIZZLE
I can’t describe it. It’s a different smell, I know it when I smell it,
I just can’t explain it.
(Pause)
I got real talent, I should go on Stern and showcase my skills…he’d
love it…he could pick any three girls in the city, two normal ones
and one virgin, and I could pick out the virgin. He could do it ten
times, and all ten times I’d correctly pick the virgin. I could make
some serious cash money off of this.

MATT
Ok, ok, ok, how about my assistant, Richard. What do you think,
virgin?

WIZZLE
Now that’s tricky…common sense and logic would tell you that
he’s a virgin, because he doesn’t look like he’s ever seen pussy.
But I’ve smelled him a few times and I couldn’t pick up any scent.
Now granted, a couple of times he was wearing a light spring
jacket and it may have been acting as a deflector shield. But I
managed to smell him a few times around the office without the
jacket.

MATT
And nothing?

WIZZLE
Nothing…hey, I’m just as upset as you are.

- - 28
 MATT
(astonished)
Really, no shit?

WIZZLE
Yeah and my senses are never off. It’s weird, because you can
just look at the guy and know that he’s never given a bitch a
dirty sanchez. However, there’s no smell.

HEATHER
(rolling her eyes to the sky)
Oh lord.

WIZZLE
But then it came to me. (pause) He ran track in college right?

MATT
Yeah.

WIZZLE
So he probably got fucked by a teammate in the locker room…
maybe on the bench…or in the shower.

MATT
Good point, I can see him being a catcher more than being a pitcher.

WIZZLE
Oh, definitely.

MATT
And those track guys are always kind of weird.

JILL
White, you really do put the ass in class.

The camera moves and passes the group then turns to HOT ROD who is standing in the
background a few feet away from the others. He is a fellow co-worker also in his early twenties
and is the resident smooth, cool black guy.

He’s hanging out with a couple of his non-work related friends, both of whom are white. They
appear to be passing around a JOINT and are in the middle of smoking.

HOT ROD
This is some good shit.

He quickly washes down the hit with a swig of gin and juice.

- - 29
 HOT ROD
I’m getting pretty fucked up now. Damn, it’s been a while since
I’ve smoked. (Pause) I’ve gotta take a piss.

Hot Rod stumbles into the apartment in search of the bathroom.

BACK TO WIZZLE AND MATT

Both guys notice Goldstein’s fuck buddy, the girl that looks like Tiger Woods, standing by
herself against the wall on the far end of the deck.

Just as the name says, the FEMALE TIGER WOODS looks exactly like a female version of
Tiger Woods. She’s very young (19-ish), short and very skinny.

MATT
Hey, look who it is.

WIZZLE
What, who?

MATT
Goldstein’s lover.

WIZZLE
Alright, a special appearance by Tiger Woods.

Goldstein walks up to her and starts talking.

MATT
And right on cue, Goldstein shows up.

WIZZLE
It’s weird, all this hot poon tang around here, and Goldy still goes
for the caublasian.

MATT
It is odd. I mean it’s one thing if she was Jewish, I could understand
that. But this, I just don’t understand.

Goldstein and Tiger Woods walks over to Wizzle and Matt.

GOLDSTEIN
What’s up guys?

- - 30
 WIZZLE
What’s going on Goldstein? Tiger?

Wizzle calls her Tiger but she doesn’t pick up on it. She isn’t exactly a very intelligent being.
Matt realizes what Wizzle said and tries to hide his laughter.

Matt decides to have some fun and mess with Tiger by testing her intelligence.

MATT
So, what’s your thoughts on Bush’s “roadmap to peace” and
his policy on the Middle East in general. Do you think Dean
will be able to capitalize on his foreign policy missteps in the
upcoming election?

FEMALE TIGER WOODS

(looking confused)
Ah, I don’t know? I’m confused.

MATT
Of course you are.

Goldstein wants to get Tiger away from the guys so they can’t ridicule her anymore. Also he
doesn’t want her to realize that that they are making fun of her.

GOLDSTEIN
Ok, come on girl, let’s go downstairs and get a refill.

FEMALE TIGER WOODS

But there’s a keg up here.

GOLDSTEIN
I know, but the beer is better downstairs.

Goldstein and Tiger walk back inside.

CUT TO:

INT. – GOLDSTEIN’S APARTMENT

IN THE KITCHEN

Wizzle walks into the kitchen and sees Tiffany just finishing her drink. They are still in the
middle of their drinking contest.

WIZZLE
How you doing over there?

- - 31
Tiffany turns to face Wizzle, she is showing the early signs of intoxication, the eyelids are
getting heavy, she’s beginning to sway and slightly slur some of her words. But she’s still
hanging in there pretty well.

TIFFANY
I’m fine, how (hiccup) are you?

WIZZLE
I’m in need of another drink, as are you.

TIFFANY
Ok, bring it on. I’m going to kick your ass.

WIZZLE
(rolls his eyes)
Yeah, ok.
TIFFANY
I’m serious.

WIZZLE
Ok, let’s kick it up a notch.

TIFFANY
Fine, no fear here.

Wizzle takes her cup and puts both hers and his down on the kitchen counter next to the
countless bottles of liquor.

WIZZLE
Ok, I’m gonna rip shit up in here. I’m taking this bitch to the next
fuckin’ level. Two Long Island Iced Teas coming up.

Wizzle begins to work with the BOTTLES to create a couple of concoctions.

WIZZLE
Any problem with a Long Island Iced Tea?

TIFFANY
No, not at all, bring it on.

Wizzle gives Tiffany a CUP.

WIZZLE
Ok, then. Down the hatch.

- - 32
Wizzle and Tiffany clank their cups together.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

MATT is standing in the corner talking to EDDIE OMAR. EDDIE is a jovial fun guy who acts a
lot younger than his early-thirties age would indicate. He is originally from Pakistan but is very
Americanized since he moved to the U.S. at an early age.

The scene is picked up mid-conversation.

MATT
If I was a porn star, I’d want my name to be Dick Nasty. Don’t
you think that’d be a great name?

EDDIE OMAR
Yes, excellent creativity. I think my name would be Jack Meov.

Jill, Kelly, Heather and Amy walk into the living room and yell out upon seeing Eddie for the
first time of the night.

JILL, KELLY, HEATHER AND AMY

(in unison)
EDDIE OMAR!!!

EDDIE
(laughs)
Hello ladies.

Eddie playfully grabs one of Heather’s breasts, in turn, she lightly slaps his hand away.

HEATHER
(shockingly)
EDDIE!

Wizzle walks over to the group by Matt.

WIZZLE
Unbelievable, how does Eddie get away with that? If you or me did
that, we’d be slapped, punched, kicked in the nuts and sodomized
with a plunger.

MATT
Tell me about it. But it’s Eddie, it’s nice, innocent Eddie, the guy
who could do no harm.

- - 33
 WIZZLE
Yeah, he could do no harm, he only slaps chick’s asses, but other than
that he’s semi-normal.

Wizzle notices Amy is drinking a glass of wine.

WIZZLE
Jesus Christ girl, wine again. Come on it’s a party, let loose.

EDDIE
Yeah, what the fuck?

WIZZLE
(fake mad to Eddie)
Hey what are you doing?

EDDIE
(perplexed)
What are you talking about?

WIZZLE
Why do you have to be so vulgar in front of little Amy?

EDDIE
Huh?

WIZZLE
You know that she doesn’t like to hear swearing, she’s too innocent
for that.

EDDIE
(laughs)
Ok.

WIZZLE
All you have to do is say earmuffs…

Wizzle turns to Amy and scream in her face as he pays homage to the scene from Old School.

WIZZLE
(yells)
EARMUFFS!

Amy is so scared from the Wizzle’s sudden screaming that she actually covers her ears with her
hands like earmuffs.

- - 34
 WIZZLE
There, now you can say fuck, shit, bitch, cunt…

MATT
…asshole, cocksucker, skank.

Kelly hits Wizzle in the stomach to get him to stop. But she doesn’t stop there, she continues by
slapping him in the face, kicking and kneeing him in the crotch. She has a tendency to get
violent when she drinks.

Wizzle takes a defensive stance as he tries to block the kicks and punches.

WIZZLE
Oww. Oww, stop it Liza. Cut it out.

KELLY
You’re so fuckin’ mean.

Amy finally uncovers her ears as she realizes what is going on.

AMY
I don’t like you.

WIZZLE
Come on, I’m just trying to have some fun.

AMY
Why do you always make fun of me?

WIZZLE
I dunno, you’re just an easy “target of opportunity.”

AMY
Well I’m getting another drink.

Amy walks out of the living room.

KELLY
(scolding Wizzle)
You stop picking on Amy.

WIZZLE
Ok.

- - 35
 KELLY
(cold stare)
I mean it buster. (she sticks her finger into Wizzle’s chest)

WIZZLE
Ok, fine, I hear you.

Kelly follows Amy out of the room followed by Jill and Heather. The three guys (Wizzle, Eddie
and Matt) are left behind.

WIZZLE
Guys, let’s have some fun.

MATT
What are you thinking about?

WIZZLE
Let’s get Amy fucked up.

Wizzle looks around the room for a few seconds and finally spots JEFF. JEFF, a white guy in
his mid-twenties, always tries to give off a tough guy image; he hardly ever smiles. He’s got a
grunge look to him in terms of his clothing, skullcap and face that hasn’t been shaved in a few
days.

WIZZLE
(yells)
Yo, Jeff! Hey, come here for a second.

Jeff walks slowly over to him.

JEFF
What’s going on dude?

WIZZLE
Chillin’ man, what’s up with you?

JEFF
Not much. You know, things are good, Yanks are winning again
today, Sox are, of course, losing again.

WIZZLE
Fuck you and your stupid ass Yankees. They’re a bunch of
bitches.

JEFF
Yeah, keep talking whiny Sox fan.

- - 36
 WIZZLE
I’m telling you, this is our year.

JEFF
You guys have been saying that for the past 15 years.

WIZZLE
Yeah, but this year we mean it, we can feel it. It is our destiny.

MATT
White, shut up, the Sox suck.

WIZZLE
Hold on, wait a minute. I’m not going to take shit from a Mets
fan. A fuckin’ Mets fan? No way.

MATT
Yeah, 1986 dickhead.

WIZZLE
Hey, if all my boys on the Sox were as coked up as the Mets were
that year, we would’ve won the Series.

EDDIE
Calm down, fellas. There’s plenty of season left for you guys to
argue about who sucks more, the Mets or Red Sox.

WIZZLE
Ok. (Pause) So Jeff, you got anything on you?

JEFF
What are you talking about?

WIZZLE
You know what I’m saying. I’m looking for some shit.

JEFF
(Pauses)
I got some pills.

WIZZLE
I could really use some Ecstasy right now…it’d take the edge off, you
know what I mean. You have any?

- - 37
 JEFF
(in disbelief)
You really want to buy some X?

WIZZLE
(smiling)
Well, yes.

JEFF
Ok, I’ll sell you a pill.

WIZZLE
Awesome.

Wizzle reaches into his front pocket and takes out some CASH while Jeff takes out a single PILL
in a wrapper from his pocket. They make the exchange simultaneously.

WIZZLE
Pleasure doing business with you.

JEFF
Same here my man.

Wizzle gives Jeff a handshake as Jeff walks away.

JEFF
I’ll see you losers later.

MATT
(confused)
Now what the hell are you going to do with Ecstasy?

WIZZLE
(devilish smile)
Come on guys, keep up with the plot, it’s not for me.

MATT
Oh no, what are you going to do.

WIZZLE
We’re going to loosen Amy up a little bit and get her fucked up
at the same time.

EDDIE
(shocked)
You’re not serious?

- - 38
 WIZZLE
Dead serious. (Pause) Let’s get this party started right.

EDDIE
(skeptical)
How are you going to give that to Amy?

WIZZLE
I’m gonna slip it in her drink. (Pause) Believe me, she’ll thank
me for it tomorrow. She might even start having some fun tonight.

MATT
You know, I just don’t envision anything good coming from this.

WIZZLE
Come on, everything’s gonna be ok. What could possibly happen?

EDDIE
Famous last words.

WIZZLE
No, check it out. We’re in an apartment, surrounded by people we
know. She’ll be perfectly safe.

MATT
Hey, I’m all in favor of her getting fucked up. I think’d it be funny.
I’m just saying, we gotta be careful. I mean it’s not like you’re
planning to give it to a party girl slut who can handle her shit, we’re
talking about sweet, innocent, virginal Amy Smith.

WIZZLE
I hear you and I appreciate the fact that you’re looking at this from
all angles. (Pause) But now we have a drink to be spiking.

Wizzle, Matt and Eddie walk out of the living room and into the kitchen. As they approach the
kitchen, Tiffany comes swaggering into the room. She is a little drunker than the last time we
saw her, stumbling from time to time, but she is still functioning.

CLOSE-UP OF TIFFANY

TIFFANY
You ready for another one?

WIZZLE
Do you really want to keep this up?

- - 39
 TIFFANY
I’ll get the drinks this time.

WIZZLE
Ok, what are we drinking?

TIFFANY
Medori sours.

WIZZLE
Interesting, I’m down with those fruity chick drinks.

TIFFANY takes his cup and walks into the kitchen.

IN THE KITCHEN

Amy and the girls are hanging out in the corner, deep in discussion. Amy’s glass of wine is
sitting alone on a kitchen counter close to her.

Wizzle and the guys enter the kitchen. Eddie and Matt walk over to the girls to create a
diversion while Wizzle stays apart from them.

MATT
What’s going on guys?!

HEATHER
Oh, we’re just trying to find Amy a boyfriend.

MATT
What, here?

While the conversation is going on, Wizzle is in the background fiddling with the pill
WRAPPER. He finally takes it off and, after looking around to make sure no one is watching,
quietly puts the pill in Amy’s glass.

Once done, Wizzle joins the rest of the group.

HEATHER
Well, yes, we’re trying to at least.

MATT
Let me tell you something, the only thing you’re gonna find here is a
bunch of Long Island trash that still live at home with mommy and
daddy. Amy, you don’t want that.

- - 40
 AMY
Well I’d probably like him if he was nice.

MATT
No, listen to me Amy, you don’t want that.

CLOSE-UP OF TIFFANY, IN THE KITCHEN

Tiffany is in another part of the kitchen pouring the drinks for her next round. She mixes one
drink with alcohol then conveniently forgets to pour alcohol into her drink. She has finally come
to the realization that the only way she can win the drinking contest is by cheating.

BACK TO A MEDIUM SHOT OF THE KITCHEN

Tiffany walks over to Wizzle and gives him his drink.

TIFFANY
Here you go.

WIZZLE
Wonderful. (takes a sip) Nice and sugary, I think I’ll end up puking
from the fuckin’ sugar.

TIFFANY
That still counts you know, a puke is a puke.

WIZZLE
I know, I know.

KELLY
So how are you holding up there Tiffany?

TIFFANY
I’m doing fine, I think I’m gonna win too.

KELLY
Good luck, you’re going to need it.

Amy picks up her glass and takes a sip while Wizzle and the guys look on.

WIZZLE
(smiles)
Amy, how’s that wine going down?

- - 41
 AMY
Fine…why?

WIZZLE
Just want to make sure you’re happy.

AMY
Ahh, ok.

Wizzle looks at Tiffany.

WIZZLE
Hey, girl, why don’t you meet me in the living room, I wanna
give you my surprise.

TIFFANY
Tell me the surprise now.

WIZZLE
Ok, two words: rap battle.

KELLY
(rolling her eyes)
Oh god.

EDDIE
Rap battle? Who do you think you are, Eminem?

MATT
Yo White, it’s not like we’re in the hard streets of Detroit.
You don’t need to “battle” to get “street cred.”

WIZZLE
No, fuck that. I’m gonna beat this bitch both physically and
lyrically. You watch.

MATT
This man has watched 8 Mile one too many times.

WIZZLE
(shouts)
Yo, everybody join me in the living room to see me lay a
lyrical smack down on this ho.

- - 42
 MATT
(to Kelly)
Hey are there any black people here? If so, they may want
to get ready to beat White up.

KELLY
Only Hot Rod.

MATT
Well he doesn’t really count; he’s like Bryant Gumbel.

The CROWD in the kitchen begins to filter out into the living room.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

A CROWD gathers quickly in the room, creating a small circle in the middle for Wizzle and
Tiffany.

Wizzle loosens up his body by shaking his shoulders and legs, exercising his arms, running in
place as he prepares to enter into his rap battle.

Tiffany smiles and laughs during this whole routine.

WIZZLE
Alright, Matt give me a beat.

Matt looks at Wizzle like he has three heads.

MATT
Ah, no.

Having been rejected by Matt, Wizzle looks over to Eddie.

WIZZLE
Eddie?

EDDIE
Nah, that’s ok man, I’m trying to get laid around here. I don’t want
to look stupid.

WIZZLE
Ok, fuck a beat, I’ll go a cappella. (stealing a line from Eminem in
8 Mile)

Wizzle starts walking around in little circles, then he steps up right into Tiffany’s face.

- - 43
 WIZZLE
You ready for this?!

TIFFANY
(smiling, but still trying to look tough)
Bring it.

WIZZLE
Oh, I’ll be bringin’ the trauma.

CLOSE-UP OF KELLY

Kelly whispers to Heather.

KELLY
Oh dear, this is going to be really, really embarrassing.

HEATHER
Just don’t let anybody know he’s your boyfriend.

WIDE ANGLE SHOT OF THE LIVING ROOM

Shows the crowd that has gathered around Wizzle and Tiffany to witness the rap battle solo
performance.

MEDIUM SHOT OF WIZZLE AND TIFFANY

As Wizzle continues to move around close to Tiffany, he wants to take one last look at his rap
lines before he performs. So he takes a piece of paper out of his back pocket, looks at it for a
few seconds, then folds it back up and puts it back into his pants.

After a few more seconds of pacing, he jumps right into his rap battle.

WIZZLE
Yo, yo, yo,
I’m verbally assaultin’ you with my vocal forty fo’
Punishin’ that ass like my nigga Kobe
‘Cause I be lyrically raping you, ya see
Bitch, I’m here cause I got a mission to state
This is the forum I’ve picked to ejaculate
You see,
Your drinking skills are shit
You’ll see it when I take a hit
From the fuckin’ liquor bottle
Motherfucker don’t get hostile

- - 44
 WIZZLE (continued)
I’m a slow murderin’ up in this bitch
With rhymes more animated than Lilo & Stitch
Drink to death so I can piss on your dead body
Godfather of alcohol, just call me John Gotti
So check yourself you fuckin’ uppity whore
Taste the Wizzle and start beggin’ for more
You look at me and see a fuckin’ drinking menace
I look at you and see yo’ fuckin’ horrendous
I fuck all the bitches and da hoes you know
Fuckin’ lesbian I know you can feel my flow
Bitch, do you really wanna try steppin’ to me?
I’ll smack you up like I was Bobby and yo’ Whitney
You know you can’t fuck with the mighty J Wizzle
Not only am I bringin’ the steak, but I’m bringin’ the sizzle
By now, I can see my piercing rhymes are taking its fuckin’ toll
You look like your dad when he shoved a gerbil up his asshole
So sit back, relax and prepare for yo’ death
Girl you whacker than a two dollar whore on crystal meth
(Pause)
Battle! Battle! (starts skipping in place)
(Pause)
Beatch!!!

Wizzle steps up only inches away from Tiffany’s face and gives her the FINGER.

The crowd goes wild, some in true appreciation of what he’s done and some mocking his attempt
to rap battle.

Wizzle jumps into Eddie’s arms.

WIZZLE
Whoo, how was that muthafuckas!

EDDIE
Not bad.

MATT
Not bad? He referenced a Disney cartoon in it!

WIZZLE
Hey, I should get extra credit for that. If my nigga Jay Z can take a
beat from Little Orphan Annie, I should be able to reference a Disney
film.

Kelly walks up to Wizzle.

- - 45
 KELLY
Are you done making an ass out of yourself?

WIZZLE
What are you talking about, my public loved it!

KELLY
You have no public.

Goldstein walks over and gives Wizzle a high five.

GOLDSTEIN
Man, some of your lyrics might have been a little suspect, but
you made it work.

WIZZLE
Thanks dogg.

TIFFANY
That was good, but you’re more of a loser than I thought.

WIZZLE
Shouldn’t you be passing out right about now, slut?

KELLY
Hey, calm down.

WIZZLE
Alright. Tiffany just remember, you can dump as many drinks
as you want, you can pour as many non-alcoholic drinks for
yourself as you want, but I’m still going to kick your ass.

TIFFANY
What are you talking about? I haven’t done any of that.

WIZZLE
Yeah, ok. Keep telling yourself that. Look it doesn’t matter to me,
I’m used to this. Most people have to fight dirty when they step
to the Wizzle.

IN THE KITCHEN

Amy walks into the kitchen and puts her hand on the counter in order to keep her balance. She is
unknowingly feeling the effects of the Ecstasy.

- - 46
Kelly follows behind her.

KELLY
Amy, are you ok?

AMY
Yeah, I think I’m just getting a little too drunk.

KELLY
Well, try to relax. You should drink a glass of water.

Kelly pours her a GLASS of water and gives it to Amy, who takes a quick gulp.

BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM

Wizzle brings four Jaeger shots into the room for him and Tiffany.

WIZZLE
Well, since it’s my turn. I’ve decided that we should step up
to the major leagues and do some Jaeger. The way I figure it,
2 shots should pretty much equal one drink

TIFFANY
I don’t know about Jaeger.

WIZZLE
You forfeit if you don’t take it.

TIFFANY
Fine, give it to me.

Wizzle gives her two of the shots and they do a “cheers” with all four shots.

WIZZLE
Down the hatch.

They both down the two shots apiece immediately. Both show a momentary strain on their face
once they’re done.

WIZZLE
Ahh, that was good. Well, hang in there, I’ll be checking in periodically.
Remember, don’t puke.

Wizzle walks out of the room.

- - 47
Tiffany begins to walk around the room, she’s stumbling more often now, it seems like the shots
have put her over the edge. Goldstein, always looking for a girl to take advantage of during their
weakest point, swaggers over to her.

GOLDSTEIN
Hey, how are you doing?

TIFFANY
Honestly, I’m a little drunk right now.

GOLDSTEIN
That’s ok, I think everyone here is too.

TIFFANY
I think I’m REALLY drunk right now. In fact, I can hardly see. I
think I’m going blind.

GOLDSTEIN
Ahh don’t worry about it, you look fine. (Pause) You know, why
do we never talk at work?

TIFFANY
I dunno, I guess because you sit on one side of the floor and I sit on
the other. It’s tough to mingle when you’re that far apart.

GOLDSTEIN
Well, we should change that.

Tiffany is confused due in large part to her drunkenness.

TIFFANY
What do you mean, one of us should move to a new office?

GOLDSTEIN
No, I mean we should start talking.

TIFFANY
Ok. (Pause) What do you want to talk about?

GOLDSTEIN
We could start by talking about how beautiful you are.

TIFFANY
Oh stop it.

- - 48
 GOLDSTEIN
No, I’m serious. You should be flattered. It’s a pretty big deal
for someone as cool as me to tell a girl that she’s pretty. I mean
I’m used to hanging out with Playboy Playmates and going to the
Mansion.

TIFFANY
Oh are you?

GOLDSTEIN
Well my client is Bacardi liquor, I do a lot of advertising with
Playboy so I get invited to a lot of their functions. Yeah, it’s
a tough life.

TIFFANY
(impressed)
That’s fascinating.

GOLDSTEIN
Are you having a good time tonight?

TIFFANY
I’m having an awesome time.

GOLDSTEIN
Good, I usually have really good parties. People like to come
over here and get fucked up.

Kelly, Heather and Jill enter the living room and hang out in the corner, although they are a good
distance away from Tiffany and Goldstein they can see what’s going on.

HEATHER
What the hell is going on over there?

KELLY
It seems like Tiffany and Goldstein are getting along pretty well.
(Pause) Oh my god, you don’t think they’re going to hook up?

HEATHER
Ewww. I don’t even want to think about that.

JILL
Yeah, that’s pretty disgusting.

- - 49
 HEATHER
I mean its Goldstein for Christ’s sake.

JILL
I know.

HEATHER
Hey, what happened to Amy?

KELLY
She went to the bathroom. She’s getting a little too drunk I
think.

IN THE HALLWAY, BY THE BATHROOM

Amy is waiting in line in a darkened hallway (there are no lights directly in the hallway). There
are a few people waiting for the bathroom, including the guy right in front of her, Hot Rod.

Hot Rod, who is not only drunk but also pretty stoned, notices Amy behind him.

HOT ROD
Hey Amy.

Amy starts draping herself on Hot Rod. She’s getting very touchy, feely because of the Ecstasy.

AMY
Hot Rod, how’s it going?

HOT ROD
I’m fine, but I’m fucked up.

AMY
Hey, me too!

Amy gives Hot Rod a rough, hard high five.

HOT ROD
Are you ok?

AMY
Perfectly fine!

Awkward silence develops for a few seconds.

- - 50
Then all of a sudden, Amy jumps on Hot Rod and starts MAKING OUT with him; it’s a full out
attack by Amy. She manages to push him right through a closed door. With Amy still on him,
Hot Rod walks backwards into the pitch-dark bedroom.

BACK IN THE LIVING ROOM

Goldstein and Tiffany are continuing their conversation.

TIFFANY
I like you, Josh, you seem like a nice guy.

GOLDSTEIN
I am.

TIFFANY
I’d like to go out with you sometime.

GOLDSTEIN
That sounds like a great idea. (Pause) But why don’t we just
worry about tonight first.

Goldstein KISSES Tiffany. This act almost sends Heather, Jill and Kelly, who are still standing
in the corner of the room, into convulsions.

CLOSE-UP OF HEATHER

HEATHER
You cannot be serious. Ewww, disgusting.

KELLY
Girls, I think I’m going to be sick.

Wizzle and Matt walk up to the girls.

MATT
What the fuck is that?

JILL
We’re just as shocked as you guys.

MATT
Is she blind, does she realize that’s Goldstein tonguing her? I mean
he fucks fat chicks and illegal immigrants, not uppity Connecticut
socialites.

- - 51
 WIZZLE
Imagine the look on the faces of her blue blood parents if they had
to see a Goldstein sitting across from them at the dinner table.

MATT
And think about the comedy that would ensue if they tried to take
him to the country club one weekend.

CLOSE-UP OF GOLDSTEIN AND TIFFANY

TIFFANY
You’re playing some good music too.

GOLDSTEIN
Oh, you like it. I have a few more CDs that I want to pop in.
Do want to come with me to my room so I can grab them?

TIFFANY
(thinking for a second)
I guess.

GOLDSTEIN
Great.

Goldstein grabs her hand as they walk out of the room and up a flight of stairs to his bedroom.

CLOSE-UP OF WIZZLE

WIZZLE
Wow, I don’t think even Nostradamus would’ve seen that coming.

MATT
Unbelievable, just unbelievable. (Pause) Check please.

WIZZLE
You know we’ll never hear the end of this from Goldy. I mean it’s
one thing to bang Tiger Woods, but this is another level completely.

MATT
He’s going to ride this for all its worth.

WIZZLE
No doubt, and then some.

As Tiffany walks up the stairs, Wizzle shouts out to her.

- - 52
 WIZZLE
Hey, this means I win the contest right?

Tiffany waves her hand in defeat.

WIZZLE
Alright, I won!

MATT
Yeah, when someone hooks up with Goldstein, that should be
terms for automatic disqualification.

IN A PITCH BLACK BEDROOM

Amy and Hot Rod are in the bed. Amy is on top; the moon, peaking through the window in the
background, is silhouetting their bodies. The room is completely dark with the exception of the
moonlight, so no nudity can be seen.

The passion of sex is taking a hold of Hot Rod while Amy is, as expected, very reserved. As Hot
Rod continues drilling away, he shouts out random lines every once in a while. There’s at least a
few seconds between each line he says.

HOT ROD
Oh, fuck me you little slut, fuck me whore. Who’s your daddy?
Whose pussy is this? (Pause) Daddy likes to fuck mommy!
(Pause) You like that? You like Jungle Fever? (Pause) You
can’t handle all of this, can you? You can’t handle the Hot Rod?
(Pause) I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you!

Hot Rod’s expletive comments are a stark contrast to Amy’s virgin-like qualities. The contrast
becomes more and more pronounced after every line from Hot Rod’s mouth.

Amy quietly moans periodically.

You can here the SOUNDS of Hot Rod slapping Amy’s ass.

HOT ROD
How ‘bout that, you like it when I smack your ass?

Amy never responds to any of Hot Rod’s comments, she just continues to moan.

HOT ROD
I’m gonna bust my nut bitch, I’m gonna bust my nut, you better
hold onto something, ‘cause this shit’s gonna be off the chain.

- - 53
Hot Rod shouts out in climax, once done he is clearly out of breath and breathes very heavily.
Amy’s moans become louder, but that’s it, she still doesn’t say anything.

HOT ROD
Was that good for you, did you like that? (Pause) I tore that
shit up, Maximus tore that shit up!

Amy is still unresponsiveness to everything Hot Rod says, until she finally speaks up

AMY
I’m tired; let’s take a nap.

Amy gets off Hot Rod and lies down in bed, which can be seen since they are still silhouetted.

IN GOLDSTEIN’S BEDROOM

In contrast to the other bedroom, this one is brightly lit. Tiffany is sitting on Goldstein’s bed
while Goldstein is standing up going through a bunch of his CDs.

GOLDSTEIN
Ok, I know the CDs are somewhere around here.

TIFFANY
Do you need some help?

GOLDSTEIN
No, I’ll find them eventually. (Pause) I have a confession to make.

TIFFANY
Ok.

GOLDSTEIN
I didn’t really come up here to get CDs.

TIFFANY
(naively)
You didn’t?

GOLDSTEIN
No, I didn’t. I made up an excuse so I could I get you up to my
room.

TIFFANY
Why?

Goldstein puts his CDs down and sits on his bed close to Tiffany.

- - 54
 GOLDSTEIN
Because I wanted to admire your beauty in private. (Pause) I
know, I’m a scumbag. Feel free to leave if you want, I’d
understand.

Goldstein is trying to lay on the charm, but it just comes out cheesy as usual. Amazingly
however, Tiffany falls for it- hook, line and sinker.

TIFFANY
Oh, Josh, that’s so sweet. I’m not going to leave.

GOLDSTEIN
You’re not.

TIFFANY
No, in fact…

Tiffany leans in and starts kissing Goldstein, thus enlarging the legend of Goldstein in his own
mind.

Goldstein begins to go a little wild with his tongue; accidentally (or purposely) licking the side of
her face a few times.

Goldstein moves fast, he puts his hand on her breast (over the shirt) then gently pushes her so
that her back lands on the bed. He gets on top of her and continues with the make out session.

He decides to kick it up a notch by trying to dry hump her (both still are entirely clothed). But
after a couple of initial thrusts, Tiffany either gets second thoughts or comes to her senses as she
pushes Goldstein off of her.

TIFFANY
Wait, wait. I can’t do this.

GOLDSTEIN
What do you mean? It’s all good.

Goldstein leans in to kiss her, but Tiffany rebuffs him.

TIFFANY
No, I can’t be doing this. I’m a good girl.

GOLDSTEIN
And I’m a good guy.

- - 55
 TIFFANY
You need to take me out on a date, take me to dinner. I need to get
to know you more if we’re going to go any further.

Tiffany stands up and begins to walk out of the room.

GOLDSTEIN
Oh come on, don’t leave. Come sit down again, I promise I won’t
do anything.

TIFFANY
Yeah, but I can’t trust myself anymore. It’s best if stop now for
tonight.

GOLDSTEIN
Oh, but, but…

TIFFANY
I’ll see you downstairs.

Tiffany walks out of the bedroom, leaving Goldstein in his room alone. A sad, lonely look
covers his face. After a few seconds, he snaps out of his daze.

GOLDSTEIN
(to himself)
Bitch gave me blue balls. That hasn’t happened to me since I was
fourteen.

Goldstein stands up and begins to walk out of his room.

GOLDSTEIN
Shit and I gotta piss too.

IN THE HALLWAY, BY THE BATHROOM

Goldstein enters the darkened hallway and walks into the bathroom.

IN THE BATHROOM

Goldstein tries to lock the door but in his hasty attempt to get to the toilet before he explodes, he
doesn’t lock it correctly.

Goldstein is looking at himself in the mirror, which is in front of the toilet, while taking a piss.
He MOANS and GROANS like a typical male while he’s pissing. It feels good; in fact it could
be the greatest leak he has ever taken.

- - 56
He looks down in the MAGAZINE BASKET next to the toilet and notices a STUFF
MAGAZINE with Carmen Electra on the cover sitting on the top just calling his name out.

He’s contemplating using the Stuff magazine as a stimulant to release some excessive energy
that he built up with Tiffany.

IN THE PITCH DARK BEDROOM WITH AMY & HOT ROD

Amy wakes up and turns on a small LAMP on the nightstand next to the bed. Amy is on one
side of the bed, fully clothed again, while Hot Rod is sleeping on the other side of the bed,
wearing a white wife-beater t-shirt.

Amy looks very tired and intoxicated, generally in rough shape; she’s almost hit the hangover
stage though. It takes her a few seconds to get her bearings; she seems momentarily confused as
to where she is.

AMY
(to herself)
Oww, I have to go to the bathroom.

Amy gets out of bed and walks out of the room.

IN THE BATHROOM

The Stuff Magazine is spread out over the SINK, opened to the spread of Carmen Electra.
Goldstein is standing over the magazine, glaring at it. He’s STARING at Carmen as he begins to
slowly rub his nipples on the outside of his shirt.

As he flips the pages, he gets hotter and hotter; he then turns the page back to one of the hottest
spreads. At this point he puts his hands into his pants and swings his head back in ecstasy.

Goldstein begins to MOAN. Then, as he looks at himself in the mirror, he unzips his pants and
goes to town on his penis with his hand.

The camera stays on his face (more accurately, pointed at the mirror and showing the reflection
of his face) as he moans and groans to the pleasure of Carmen Electra. He is loving every
moment of the spread. Goldstein has decided to release some energy and he doesn’t care about
anything else at the moment.

He lets out a few periodic comments to himself while enjoying the moment.

GOLDSTEIN
(whispers)
Ohh, Carmen you’re so good…you’re so hot, I want you so bad…give
it to me good…just suck my dick bitch, suck my dick….ohh, right

- - 57
 GOLDSTEIN (continued)
there, oh yeah, right there, that’s fuckin’ hot, that’s so hot. I love
you!

IN THE HALLWAY, BY THE BATHROOM

Amy is stumbling in the hallway by the bathroom. She’s using her hand against the wall to
guide her.

IN THE BATHROOM

Goldstein is getting more hot and heavy with his new girlfriend, the Stuff Magazine. His moans
get louder.

IN THE HALLWAY, BY THE BATHROOM

Amy finds the bathroom and, assuming that nobody is in there since the door is unlocked, opens
the door.

IN THE BATHROOM

CLOSE-UP OF THE UNLOCKED DOOR

The camera shows the door lock unlocked and the door opening quietly.

BACK TO A MEDIUM SHOT IN THE BATHROOM

Goldstein climaxes just as Amy walks into the bathroom. If that’s not bad enough, he
accidentally shoots some of his love juice onto Amy, with some going right into her right eye.

Amy enters a state of complete shock as this experience suddenly sobers her up. Of course, her
first instinct is to SCREAM.

AMY
(screams)
Ahhh, oh my god!

GOLDSTEIN
Oh shit!

Goldstein hastily pulls up his pants and throws the magazine on the floor.

GOLDSTEIN
(panicked)
Why didn’t you knock?!

- - 58
 AMY
Why didn’t you lock?!

Amy instinctively starts to wipe the spooge off of her face, but once she realizes she’s touching
Goldstein’s jizz, she grabs some toilet paper instead and uses it to clean herself up.

GOLDSTEIN
I thought the door was locked!

AMY
Well apparently it wasn’t. (Pause) I can’t believe this is happening,
I have sperm in my eye!

GOLDSTEIN
My fault, my fault.

AMY
I know it’s your fault.

Hearing the screams, Matt, Wizzle, Eddie, Kelly and Heather rush over to the bathroom to see
what’s going on. Of course, they stop dead in their tracks once they see Amy and Goldstein in
the bathroom and they notice a drop of come on Amy’s cheek that she missed.

WIZZLE
Amy, why do you have spooge on your cheek?

Amy, not knowing how to respond, breaks down by crying hysterically and running out of the
bathroom.

WIZZLE
Was it something I said?

MATT
No, I’m pretty sure it was something Goldstein did.

HEATHER
I should check to make sure she’s ok.

Heather runs out of the bathroom.

GOLDSTEIN
Ohh, come on, it’s not like this was the first time I’ve done
that to her.

- - 59
 KELLY
(disgusted)
You’re a dick, Josh.

Kelly quickly follows Heather out of the bathroom; both are in search of Amy.

Wizzle and Matt get more comfortable in the bathroom (Wizzle sits up on the sink counter while
Matt leans against the wall) in hopes of getting the full story from Goldstein.

MATT
So what the hell happened?

WIZZLE
I for one am completely confused about what’s going on.

GOLDSTEIN
I don’t want to talk about it.

MATT
If you don’t tell us then we’re going to make up our own story.

GOLDSTEIN
You know what guys? I think I’d actually prefer that rather
than tell you the real story.

WIZZLE
Come on dude, just tell us.

GOLDSTEIN
What do you want from me? I was jerking off in the bathroom and
I accidentally shot Amy in the eye.

MATT
So Amy was watching you jerk off?

GOLDSTEIN
No, she walked into the bathroom and I was in the middle of…
well you know…the “act.”

WIZZLE
Didn’t you lock the door?

GOLDSTEIN
I thought I did, but apparently it didn’t lock.

- - 60
 MATT
I don’t know about you but when I’m pleasuring myself in a
bathroom, which admittedly is not often, I make damn sure that
the door is locked before I drop trousers.

WIZZLE
So what were you jerking off too anyways?

Goldstein looks down at the floor by the toilet where the Stuff Magazine has fallen. This draws
the guys’ eyes down to the magazine as well.

WIZZLE
Oh, I’ve masturbated to that issue before.

MATT
Me too. Good choice Goldy.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

Fast forward to the end of the night, the living room is pretty much empty with the exception of a
guy passed out on the floor and some other guy passed out on a couch and Wizzle, Eddie and
Matt are sitting on chairs, drinking Tall Boys and reflecting on the night’s events.

There are also beer cans and bottles littered throughout the room along with other TRASH and
DEBRIS.

WIZZLE
It was good night.

EDDIE
Yes, yes, yes.

MATT
That it was. I think it’s time to call it a night though, before anything else
happens.

WIZZLE
I hear ya, it’s time to throw Kelly a bang anyways.

MATT
By the way, what happened to her? Where did she go?

WIZZLE
I don’t know, I didn’t see her after she ran after Amy. She probably
went home.

- - 61
Matt stands up.

MATT
Alright, I’m outta here.

Wizzle stands up as well and starts heading over to the hallway, where the bathroom is.

WIZZLE
Yep, me too. But before I go, I’m gonna shove Goldstein’s
toothbrush up my ass.

MATT
Good idea.

CUT TO:

EXT. - SERENA’S RESTAURANT, STREET LEVEL – DAY

The camera shows the front of a fictitious Manhattan restaurant (looks like a Candela-type of
place) during an early autumn day. The restaurant is the usual weekend brunch (complete with
unlimited champagne) gathering place for the girls. Occasionally one or two of the guys may
show up as well, but not today.

Script appears on screen: “Two Weeks Later”

CUT TO:

INT. – SERENA’S RESTAURANT

The place is an upscale, semi-trendy, comfortable establishment; it’s pretty dark due to the wood
and brick but is lit with several candles throughout the rooms.

The girls are sitting at their usual table and are engaged in heavy conversation. At this point, the
girls sitting at the table are Kelly, Jill and Heather. A fourth seat is empty since they are waiting
for Amy who hasn’t arrived yet.

KELLY
So where’s Amy?

HEATHER
I don’t know, she was running late. She said she had to do a few
things at home.

KELLY
Is she ok? She hasn’t been acting normal lately.

- - 62
 HEATHER
I dunno, I’ve noticed she’s been a little weird the past few days.

KELLY
Oh well.

Kelly looks at her menu.

KELLY
So what are you girls thinking about to eat?

JILL
Probably the same ole, same ole, omelet.

KELLY
Yeah I’ll probably have the same. Of course with the unlimited
glasses of champagne.

HEATHER
Of course.

KELLY
So what do you girls think about having a sleepover next Friday?
We can get some wine, order a pizza and some movies, like Sweet
Home Alabama and Mona Lisa Smile.

HEATHER
Yes, we haven’t done one of those in a while.

Amy walks into the diner and over to the table. She looks very sad and depressed.

HEATHER, KELLY, JILL

Hey Amy!

KELLY
What’s wrong?

AMY
Ohh nothing.

The group can tell Amy is hiding something as she takes her seat at the table. Kelly knows
something is wrong so she will not let up.

KELLY
Come on, what’s wrong?

- - 63
 AMY
Well I don’t really know how to say this. I’m….ah…I’m…ah.

HEATHER
Come on, you can say it.

AMY
I’m late.

Heather, Jill and Kelly enter a state of shock simultaneously upon hearing the news.

JILL
You’re late!?

AMY
Yeah.

KELLY
How many days?

AMY
Five.

KELLY
Five days, well that doesn’t mean anything is necessarily
wrong yet.

AMY
But I’m never late, never. My cycle is clockwork.

HEATHER
Don’t you have to have sex to be pregnant though?

AMY
I didn’t tell you guys this before because I was embarrassed
and in my family we don’t really talk about this sort of stuff,
but I slept with Hot Rod at Joshua’s party the other week.

KELLY
What, what, what!

HEATHER
Shut up! You did not!?

- - 64
 AMY
Yes, I was really trashed, I don’t even remember what happened.
One second I was drinking a glass of wine, the next second I was
waking up next to him. And I was…I was…ahh… really kind of
sore.

HEATHER
Wow!

AMY
That’s not all either.

JILL
It’s not?

AMY
No, you remember when Joshua was doing his thing in the
bathroom?

KELLY
Yeah, that was pretty gross.

AMY
Well I got some of his stuff in my tear ducts.

Amy continues to show that she never says a bad word by referring to Goldstein’s sperm as
“stuff.”

HEATHER
Ewww, disgusting.

AMY
Not only is it disgusting, but I remember in high school, my
sophomore biology teacher said that you can get pregnant if
that stuff gets into your pores or tear ducts. So if I’m pregnant,
I don’ even know who the father is, it could be either Hot Rod
or Joshua.

By telling this story and believing it, Amy once again shows her naivety about things. On the
flip side, Jill, Heather and Kelly can’t help laughing at this seemingly ludicrous statement.

AMY
What are you laughing at? It’s true.

- - 65
 KELLY
(trying to mask her laughter)
No it’s not. I don’t know what kind of school you went to, but
you can’t get pregnant like that.

AMY
Yes you can. If it gets into your body, it can get into your
blood stream and travel down to where it needs to go.

JILL
No, it can’t. Kelly’s right.

KELLY
I guess that was your schools idea of sex education. Tell the
kids lies like that so they don’t have any sexual contact
whatsoever.

AMY
So it’s not true.

HEATHER
No, and they didn’t say anything like that at my school either.

AMY
Well, that’s kind of a relief.

JILL
So what are you going to do about this?

AMY
I bought a home pregnancy test this morning. I’m going to do it
later today and see what happens.

HEATHER
Well this is terrible timing…aren’t your parents coming into town
tonight?

AMY
Yes. I don’t know how I would ever tell them. My parents would
never be able to handle it if I was pregnant.

HEATHER
And if Hot Rod was the father, oh boy, it wouldn’t be a
pretty scene within the Smith household.

- - 66
Kelly tries to lighten the mood.

KELLY
You know I just got an image in my head…how funny would it be
if you had to tell your straight arrow, Texan parents that the father
of your child could be either a black guy or Jew? (thinking about
what she just said) Oh god, I sound like Johnny now. I spend way
too much time around him. (Pause) I’m so sorry Amy, I shouldn’t
have said that.

AMY
That’s ok.

KELLY
Well, just know that we’ll all be here for you Amy no matter what
happens, no matter what the test says.

HEATHER
Yeah, we’re here for you.

JILL
Yes we are.

AMY
Thanks girls, I know you’ll help me through this ordeal. Hopefully
everything will work out and be ok.

HEATHER
I’m sure it will.

Kelly gives Amy her menu.

KELLY
Here Amy, have a menu. Girls, let’s all take our minds off of this bad
stuff and let’s just have a damn good brunch together.

AMY
Amen.

The girls enter back into their normal brunch chatter with one another. The conversation slowly
fades into the background as music begins to play.

KELLY
(to Jill)
So Jill, did you get that skirt you were wearing the other day at the
Century 21 Sale?

- - 67
 JILL
Yeah, I bought that and a few shirts and a few pants and skirts, I
spoiled myself a little bit.

KELLY
Well you deserve it.

AMY
(to Heather)
Amy, did you remember to pay the rent today?

HEATHER
I did.

AMY
Good, the landlord says we can’t be late on rent again.

HEATHER
One time, we’re late one time and we’ll never hear the end of it.

KELLY
(to Heather)
Heather, we gonna go to the Back Page next Saturday? We can catch
a doubleheader, the South Carolina game in the afternoon and the
Texas game at night.

HEATHER
Hell yeah.

KELLY
Yeah, yippie, something to look forward to already next weekend!

SHOT DISSOLVES

While the shot dissolves, there is a voiceover by Wizzle.

WIZZLE (VOICEOVER)
And so it goes, another week and another adventure in the Big City.

CLOSING CREDITS ROLL

As the credits roll, Frank Sinatra’s “New York, New York” plays in the background

FADE OUT

- - 68