THOU SHALT NOT FILL UP THE DVR WITH GEEKY SCIENCE SHOWS. «+. THOU SHALT NOT SNORE LIKE AN ASTHMATIC COW. . . “S201 Seow Adams, Ine /DISL by UFS, We: T DIDN'T KNOL OTHER | PEOPLE COULD IMPOSE RESOLUTIONS ON ME.DILBERT, WOULD YOULIKE TO JOIN US FOR LUNCH? TT MAKES ME LOSE ALL FAITH TIN HUMANITY. |S GOOD WHEN YOU HAVE NO HOPE. TLL JUST GET SOME THING FROM THE VENDING MACHINE AND FANTASIZE THAT MY ‘CO-WORKERS ARE ‘COMPETENT. A 8 Hi Ne H yl z 5 CANT STAND WATCHING A SMALL GROUP OF PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE A ‘TRIVIAL DECISION, LET'S SEE. GOES WELL WITH < AN UNREALISTIC WORLDVIELI? 5WE'RE ALSO GOOD AT SETTING PRIORITIES, SO IF I GET A CHANCE TO SELL YOUR KIDS FOR A HANDFUL OF CARBON CREDITS, ILL DO IT. TIM, OUR COMPANY. IS FAMILY-FRIENDLY AND VERY GREEN. HE WAS LESS GREEN THAN T HAD HOPED. ‘2011 Scot Adams, Ino /DIst by UF, ne Dilber.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmail.comYOU'VE GOT SOME SORT. OF BILBO BAGGINS VIBE GOING ON HERE AND IT’S THROWING ME OFF MY GAME. EXCUSE ME, BUT I CAN'T CONCENTRATE WHEN SOMEONE REMINDS ME OF A CREATURE. GIVE ME A HEADS UP IF YOU SEE A WALKING STICK COMING MY WAY. 2 5 5 2 ) é WHAT? : 2 3 Dilbert.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.comARE THE THEYRE ASSUMPTIONS AS REAL REALISTIC? AS YOUR GOOD JUDGMENT. HOU) MUCH CONFIDENCE DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR COST PROJECTIONS? ITRUST THEM LIKE I TRUST YOU. Dilber.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com (5:1) 0201 Som Adams, Ine /DISt by UFS, We.THERE WERE ELEVEN WAYS TO INTERPRET THE VAGUE ASSIGN— MENT YOU GAVE ME BY VOICEMAIL. Dilber.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com GIVEN THE RISKS OF CHOOSING WRONG, AND MY ENGINEERING OATH TO DO NO HARM, IT WAS MY ETHICAL DUTY TO DO NOTHING. ‘20Ii SeoTt Adams, InG/Dist by UFS, ne YOU COULD HAVE ASKED FOR CLARIFI— SOUNDS RISKY.IT’S AS IF YOURE A TECHNOLOGIST AND A PHILOSOPHER ALL ly IN ONE! BLAH BLAH CLOUD. BLAH BLAH CLOUD. BLAH BLAH CLOUD. BLAH BLAH CLOUD. T HIRED A CONSULTANT TO HELP US EVOLVE OUR PRODUCTS TO CLOUD COMPUTING. 20Ii Scott Adams, Ino Dist by UFS, ne Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.comIVE DECIDED TO BECOME MORE OF A BIG PICTURE GUY. LESSER MINDS CAN DO THE MANAGING AND IMPLEMENTING WHILE I CRITICIZE THEM FOR NOT “GETTING IT.” Dilber.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com “S201 cow Adams, Ine /DISL by UFS, We. YOU WANT TO GET PAID TO. BE A JERK? SAID THE IMPLE— MENTER.by SCOTT ADAMS diert.som | YOURE SIMPLY EXPERTENCING AN ILLUSION CAUSED BY THE LIMITS OF YOUR ‘COMPREHENSION, T HAVE TO DISAGREE ACTUALLY, NO. YOU THINK YOU WITH YOU, DILBERT. YOU DONT DISAGREE WITH ME, DISAGREE BUT YOURE MISTAKEN, WITH ME, HAVE YOU EVER. NOTICED THAT CLARETY MAKES PEOPLE ANGRY? TF YOU WERE ABLE) 50 WHAT APPEARS THERE'S NO REASON TO FULLY COMPREHEND. TO BE A DIFFERENCE TO GET THE REST OF BOTH THE PROBLEM OF OPINION TS JUST US INVOLVED IN AND INY RECOMMENDED YOU WRESTLING WITH THAT MESS. SOLUTION, YOU WOULD YOUR OWN DEFECTIVE AGREE WITH ME. BRAIN.YOUR APPROACH IS MORE LIKE WHAT T WOULD EXPECT TO SEE IF CLOTHING WERE USED AS BAGS FOR MEAT. NOW I WILL ASK MY QUESTION A SEVENTH, aia\Eace IN THIS COUNTRY, IT IS CUSTOMARY TO RESPOND TO A QUESTION WITH SOMETHING CALLED AN “ANSWER.” STOP SAYING WHAT YOURE THINKING. Z |B { : ie a 3 Dilbert.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.comwosEVERY SEVEN YEARS, ENGINEERS HAVE AN IRRESISTIBLE URGE TO MATE, THEIR SPAWN WOULD BE THE PRODUCT OF TWO ENGINEERS. DID YOU HEAR THAT. DILBERT AND ALICE ARE ON THE SAME PON FARR CYCLE? ) WHAT? YOUR PLAN youn HAS UN— = NECESSARY CATIONS ARE MAjncue! ‘STEPS! vee 2011 Scott Adams, Ino /DIst by UFS, ne Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com aYOUR IDEA HAS ALREADY BEEN TRIED BY OTHERS AND IT FAILED MISERABLY. Dilbert.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com WERE THOSE OTHERS AS SKILLED AT IMPLEMENTING THey TELLHIM IDEAS AS YOU ARE AT i TO STOP EVALUATING THEM? INSULTING HIMSELF?I WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO SAID THIS PROJECT IS A BAD IDEA. THEN YOU ASSIGNED IT TO ME. How's ra Eve, COULDN'T BE WORSE. IT’S FUNNIER ( WHEN T MAKE THEM SAY IT. THING GOING? Dilber.com _ DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com TIS) ©2011 Seon Adarns, Ino /DIst. by UFS, .‘OUR MEETING ROOM TS BEING USED BY A VICE PRESIOENT. TM GOING TO TAKE A NAP IN MY CUBICLE AND HOPE THE PROBLEM TAKES CARE OF ITSELF. TNEED ALL OF YOU TO SEARCH FOR, [AN UNOCCUPTED ROOM. CALL MY CELL WHEN YOU FIND ONE, GOOD IDEA, TLL GO GET SOME WORK DONE, FINISH SOON. y 2 TLL STAY HERE ‘IN CASE THEY Ee EL penrect Tame 10 X UR Some ERRANDS, ) Sa WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK? a Tl orrinisn 18) ALOTLIKE 4 Coxehtnonithient)ON A RELATED NOTE, IT’S NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO ASK AN ENGINEER A QUESTION IN THE “WHY DON’T WE” FORMAT. T HAVE A GREAT IDEA! WHY DON'T WE MAKE OUR PRODUCT SOCIAL? BECAUSE WHEN YOU START TO UNDERSTAND A CONCEPT, IT MARKS: THE BEGINNING OF ITS DECLINE. 5 H 5 3 1; ‘2011 Scott Adams, Ino /Dist by UFS, IcWINNERS SELL THE NOW EVERYONE DO IDEA OF LOW QUOTA THE CHA—CHING LEVELS TO THEIR DANCE! \ LOSERS SELL TO CUSTOMERS. OUJN BOSSES. (@y Dilbert.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.comYOU KNOW MY CURRENT SALARY AND YET YOU WASTED MY ENTIRE DAY INTERVIEWING ME FOR A JOB THAT PAYS LESS. ‘YOU ARE EITHER EVIL OR THANKS FOR SPENDING THE DAY INTERVIEWING WITH US, T CAN NOW REVEAL THE NATURE OF THE JOB AND THE eee INCONSIDERATE. Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com "S201 Scott Adams, Ine /DISL by UFS, We:THEY OFFERED LESS: MONEY FOR A WORSE JOB. BUT FOR HALF A DAY T IMAGINED IT WOULD BE BETTER. HALF T KNOW! T CAN'T WAIT. A DAY?! FOR MY NEXT LUCKY! USELESS | INTERVIEW! HOW DID YOUR INTERVIEW GO YESTERDAY? GREAT! Dilberticom DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com [20:1|_o7011 Soot Adam, ING /DISL by UFS, ne.AND WE'RE NOT POWERFUL ENOUGH FOR A FAST FOLLOWER STRATEGY. . 8 5 g i i i : i 2 ; [F2TH ©2011 Seow Adams, Ine /DISt by UFS, te.TLL SPEAK TO OUR DIRECTOR OF HUMAN RESOURCES AND SEE HOU T CAN FIX THIS SITUATION. IJUST SAW IN THE NEWS THAT GOOGLE GAVE AN ENGINEER MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. TI UNDERPAID! HOW CAN WE STOP NEWS? ) REALLY? s Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com T2211 e701 SCOT Adams, Ins /DIsL by UFS, n-by SCOTT ADAMS diert.com | HES NOT JUST A HELL LAUGH AT YOUR. FRIEND, AND NOT JOKES AND INVITE YOU TUST A VENDOR. HE'S TO GOLF. SOMETHING IN BETWEEN. SOME PEOPLE ARE BOTHERED BY THIS CONDITIONAL TYPE OF “AFFECTION.” BUT IT’S BETTER THAN THE NOTHING YOU HAVE NOU NOW YOU'VE DONE TT. YOU TURNED YOUR DECIDED TO BUY FROM FRENDOR INTO A, HIS COMPETITION, STALKOR. T WONDER (sr 11'S WRONG ) CTO ENTOY THE J BATTENTIONTM NOT YOUR FRIEND. TM A DISGRUNTLED WAGE SLAVE WHO HOPES: YOU DIE IN A FREAK INDUSTRIAL ACCIDENT TOMORROW AT 3 PM. WHY DID YOU REJECT MY FRIEND REQUEST ON FACEBOOK? HEY, LOOK. YOU HAVE. A MEETING AT THE WAREHOUSE i TOMORROW. Dilber.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com “S201 Scott Adams, NG /DISL by UFS, We. ayTHAT'S GREAT. NOW WE CAN PURSUE MAR— GINALLY ATTRACTIVE OPPORTUNITIES WITH OUR OVERBURDENED THE GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCED TAX INCENTIVES FOR NEW. CAPITAL INVESTMENTS. Is HE TLL JUST DIVERT ALAS RESOURCES FROM. HSE OUR TOP PRIORITIES. Dilbert.com _ DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com “©2011 Scott Adams, Ine /DISL by UFS, Ie. 125WE‘VE DECIDED TO USE THE NEW TAX INCENTIVES ON THE PROJECTS WE WERE GOING TO DO ANYWAY. THE TAX SAVINGS WILL GO TOWARD EXECUTIVE BONUSES, WHICH STIMULATE THE ECONOMY VIA THE “TRICKLE ON YOUR iGartoonist@grvail.com HEADS” THEORY. “S201 Scott Adams, Ine /DISL by UFS, We. Dilbercom DilONLY TERRORISTS ACT NERVOUS IN THESE SITUATIONS. “OUR NEW PAT DOWN PROCEDURES MIGHT BE MORE INVASIVE THAN YOU'RE USED TO. STEP OVER HERE, SLEEPER CELL. ine /DIst by UFS, te. Dilbert.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmail.comELBONIAN LEFTISTS KIDNAPPED ASOK. THEY HAVE RANSOM DEMANDS. THEY WANT A THREE—PACK OF TUBE SOCKS, A CARTON OF MILK, AND SIX YAMS. “S20 Scott AdaInS, Ine /DISL by UFS, We. 5 5 5 3| : ig & 5 8by SCOTT ADAMS dibort.com | DILBERT. YOUR BOSS ASKED ME TO GET ‘YOUR INPUT ‘ON THIS, WE HAVE TWO. ‘OPTIONS FOR WASTING OUR TIME HERE OPTION ONE: I. COULD TELL YOU ALL OF THE THINGS YOU SHOULD CHANGE, AND YOU COULD IGNORE ME ’AS USUAL. THAT WAY I CAN PIN'SOME BLAME ON YOU IF THINGS GO BAD. Sa | PREFER THE LIE. EXCELLENT CHOICE, TV'S FASTER, AND T CAN LATER SAY T WAS INISINTERPRETED. OKAY THEN, T DECLARE THAT YOUR DOCUMENT TS PERFECT, UNDER A, ‘CERTAIN SET OF ASSUMPTIONS THAT TWONT LIST. A is eI | : 3] OPTION TWO: T COULD LIE, AND TELL YOU THAT EVERYTHING 1S, PERFECT. TLL SAY YES. BUT, ITS'SORT OF A GRAYI THOUGHT MY ELBONIAN KIDNAPPERS: WOULD HOLD ME FOREVER BECAUSE YOU REFUSED TO PAY THE RANSOM. AND THEY APPARENTLY LET IT LOOKED YOU CONTAGIOUS. Go? THEN THE STOCKHOLM EFFECT KICKED IN. I STARTED IDENTIFYING WITH MY CAPTORS AND BEATING MYSELF. Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com “S201 Scott AdaIns, ING /DISL by UFS, We.THE EXPERTS SAY 1 SHOULD MOTIVATE YOU BY DISPLAYING MY OWN SENSE OF PASSION AND PURPOSE. DO You FEEL ANY DIFFERENT? } TLOVE GETTING RICH AT YOUR EXPENSE... AND GOLFING!!! Dilber.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com 22-11 ea0n Sow Adams, Ine DIS by UFS, We.BUT IF WE DO A POOR BUT DONT JOB, WE CAN MAKE A WORRY. WE 40% RETURN BY SELLING ONLY HAVE UPGRADES AND SERVICE. THE BUDGET FOR A POOR JOB. IF WE BUILD OUR SOFTWARE WITH NO BUGS, WE CAN MAKE A 10% RETURN ON OUR INVESTMENT. ) Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.comwos yewB@SOOHEDHEGIG woo veqIGTHERE IS A VERY SIMPLE SOLUTION TO THE PROBLEM THAT IS STUMPING DILBERT. jertcom _DilbenGartoonist@gmail.com I WILL GLADLY EXPLAIN IT TO HIM AFTER THIS MEETING. 2-5: _o2011 Seow Adams, Ine DIS by UFS, We. ‘YOURE PROBABLY WRONG, AND YET YOU STILL MADE ME LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.by SCOTT ADAMS dibort.com | DILBERT, WORK WITH GUSTAV TO GET ‘OUR NEU PRODUCT EXPLAINED ON OUR WEBSITE, PEE THERE'S NO INFORMA — EXCUSE] | TION. 17S ALL te?) | IMAGES AND ‘ANNOYING: PEOPLE MAKE BUYING DECISIONS BASED ON WHAT THEY READ. THIS GIVES THEM. NOTHING. ‘IF L CLUTTER THE DESIGN WITH USEFUL INFORMATION, LT WILL LOOK UGLY, AND T WON'T BE ABLE TO USE TT IN MY PORTFOLIO. NEED THAT PORTFOLIO TO GET AJOB AT A BETTER COMPANY. PLEASE HELP ME ESCAPE. YOULL PROBABLY WORK HERE UNTIL YOU OTE IN YOUR CUBICLE NO. MATTER WHAT THE WEBSITE LOOKS LIKE. YES, BUT, DID IT WASNT You HEL? || A GOOD DAY GUSTAV?) | FOR OUR ‘STOCK HOLDERS.WE ACCOUNTANTS ARE ARSENIC—BASED LIFE FORMS. THAT MAKES. YOU MY NATURAL. THAT IS NOT LIVE LONG LOGICAL. YOU CHARGED MY PROJECT FOR EXPENSES. THAT AREN'T MINE. LET ME. PHOSPHER. SEE THAT. / Dilber.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com ‘2 _o201 Sow Adams, Ing /DISt by UFS, We.MAYBE YOU SHOULD. TURN OFF THE AUTO— CORRECTION FEATURE ON YOUR PHONE. IGOT YOUR TEXT MESSAGE AND T BURPED THE GROPE PLOW ARMISTICE AS YOU REQUESTED. IF THE WEATHER HOLDS, TLL FLAIL THE RUDE FRESCO TOMORROW. Dilber.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com ‘2=Fil_ e201 Soot Adams, ING /DISL by UFS,wos yewB@yswOOVeDvEGUG WO VEIT » 2 = 5 = 2 & a 8 6 aFACEBOOK HAS CREATED A GIANT ROBOT ARM. TO STEAL TALENTED EMPLOYEES FROM OTHER COMPANIES. NO, IT LOOKS LIKE WE GOT THE GIANT CONDESCENDING EEN ROBOT > ox a INSTEAD. ‘2011 Scott Adams, ne /DISt by UFS, We. Dilbert.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com 2ADAMS diert.com | NO, TLL HAVE TO WATCH YOU MORE CLOSELY THAN EVER, TO MAKE SURE YOURE DOING MORE WITH Less, Y Aa sed TM TALKING ABOUT USING LESS MONEY. NO. WELL NEED MORE MEETINGS ‘TO FIGURE OUT HOW TODO MORE WITH LESS, OM, LIKE A DEATH. SPIRAL, WHY DIDNT YOU TUST SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE? TTS AS, TF YOURE TALKING MORE TO SAY LESS, ‘SHOULD WE BE MORE LIKE YOu OR LESS?WELL, FIRST ID NEED TO INVENT SOME SORT OF DEVICE THAT REVERSES MY SENSE OF RIGHT AND WRONG. HOLJ HARD WOULD IT BE TO PROGRAM OUR WEBSITE TO COLLECT BROWSER HISTORY FROM OUR VISITORS? $0... ARE WE TALKING ABOUT A WEEK... OR A MONTH? Diber.com _ DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com ‘567011 Soott Adams, ING /DIst by UFS, ne.TINA, YOU'LL BE IN CHARGE OF OUR MOVE TO THE NEW BUILDING. THAT MEANS YOU THINK ‘IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL MY REGULAR JOB IS SO ANY BETTER, THIS WILL UNIMPORTANT THAT I TAKE LONGER THAN WON'T BE MISSED IF I A MONTH. WORK ON SOMETHING ELSE FOR A MONTH. ) 3 i ; 3 5 : EZz 6 a 3 5 Si a a & E 6T COULD MOVE YOU TO A CUBICLE BETWEEN A GUY WHO CLEARS HIS. THROAT ALL DAY AND A WOMAN WHO LAUGHS. TOO MUCH. IS THIS BECAUSE I ONCE SAID YOU AREN'T SMART ENOUGH TO BE AN ENGINEER? LOOK WHAT I YOUR FLOOR PLAN PUTS. ME BETWEEN A LOUD TALKER AND A CHRONIC FLATULATOR. ENGINEERED. Dilber.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com Gel] _o701 Soot Adams, ING /DIsL by UFS, ne.ay SOUNDS ILIKE TO WEIRD THROW IN BECAUSE A REAL ONE ITs EVERY NOW TRUE. AND THEN. I CAN'T HELP ON YOUR PROJECT THIS WEEK BECAUSE WE'RE MOVING TO A NEW OFFICE. YOU MIGHT WANT TO SAVE THAT ATTITUDE FOR THE NEXT ROUND. ‘231-11_o7011 Soot Adams, ING /DISL by UFS, ne. Dilber.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.comby SCOTT ADAMS abert.com | THAVE A BUDGET. MEETING TOMORROW WITH OUR CFO, TLL BE COMPETING. AGAINST ALL OF THE OTHER DEPARTMENTS: FOR PRECIOUS BUDGET DOLLARS. THIS WON'T BE, EASY BECAUSE ALL OF THE OTHER DEPART— MENTS ARE STAFFED WITH PROFESSIONAL THAT'S A BIT OF AN EXAGGERATION, DON'T YOU THINK? i if PRE id as we Fnewceh)( TFoRcoT Powencerlt 112007 LL rie oke Gam) \( a NEXT ONE YOURSELF.YOU USED THE ENTIRE ENGINEERING PORTION OF MY PROJECT BUDGET JUST LEARNING THE NEW TECHNOLOGY. SOME SAY I A SLOW LEARNER, BUT T LIKE TO THINK OF MYSELF AS EXPENSIVE. T™ SORRY THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR YOU. Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com 2211 e201 Seow Adams, Ine DIS by UFS, We.COMPANY LAWYER 5 H 5 8 : 5 a 5 5 2$0 TLL JUST TAKEA { DOC... \ CHANCE | SCRUB IN. | AND SIGN, IT. AND IT WOULDN’T BE COST-EFFECTIVE TO INVOLVE OUR ATTORNEYS FOR A DEAL SO SMALL. YOUR SOFTWARE SERVICES CONTRACT IS TOO CONFUSING FOR ANY NORMAL HUMAN TO COMPREHEND. Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com 2.25: 67011 Scott Adams, ING /DISL by UFS, e-APPARENTLY, YOU SIGNED A SOFTWARE SERVICES AGREE— MENT WITHOUT FULLY UNDERSTANDING IT. THERE’S A GUY IN THE LOBBY WHO SAYS HE'S HERE TO HARVEST YOUR ORGANS. Dilber.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com 224 1|_o7011 Seok Adams, ING /DISL by UFS, We.NOW THE SOFTWARE COMPANY CLAIMS. THEY CAN HARVEST MY ORGANS. DO YOU THEY SEE ANY MENTION HOLES IN HOLES... THEIR, IN THE CONTRACT? CONTEXT OF YOUR ISIGNED A SOFTWARE CONTRACT WITHOUT GETTING YOUR INPUT BECAUSE I WAS IN A erm HURRY. Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com 2251 o7011 Scott Adams, ING /DISL by UFS, n-YOUR BEST LEGAL STRATEGY IS TO GET SWORN AFFIDAVITS FROM ATTRACTIVE WOMEN SAYING YOU HAVE COOTIES. THE CONTRACT THAT YOU IGNORANTLY. SIGNED GIVES THEM THE RIGHT TO HARVEST YOUR _, ORGANS. IWAS HOPING THIS WOULD BE HARDER. Dilber.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com ‘Ze O20 Seow Adams, ING /DISL by UFS, We.BUILD A NEW SERVER, 7 7 RECOVER THE DATA THEN SEE TF YOU CAN TO REPLACE THE ONE THATS WHAT I™, FROM THE BAD SERVER REINSTALL THE WITH THE CORRUPT DOING RIGHT NOW. AND PUT IT ON THE OPERATING SYSTEM OPERATING SYSTEM. NEW ONE. ON THE OLD ONE AND. - REDEPLOY IT. 80 YOU HAVE ANY ) ( How DID You susT SERTOUSLY, INSTRUCTIONS THAT J MAKE CHAOS SOUND | CAN WE ARE NOT BLINOINGLY L ‘GOOD THING?) TRY THE OBVIOUS? ee CHAOS THING?OUR CONSULTANT WILL TELL US HOW WE CAN SECURE A LONG-TERM SUPPLY OF RARE EARTH. METALS FOR OUR PRODUCTS. IF THE ONLY PART THAT WHAT'S GOES WRONG PLAN B? IS THE | CHINESE PART, CHINA HAS MOST OF THE RARE EARTH METALS. TRY DYING. AND REINCARNATING. THERE’S A 20% CHANCE YOU CAN TRY DYING AGAIN. THAT YOULL BE BORN CHINESE. Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com 28-1 o70N Scott Adams, Ins /DISL by UFS,e-o> yeUB@yswOoVeQHeGIG Woo TEdIGWHICH (OUST TSS WOULD. CAUSE You THIS, A TODOREAL FARM? OR SHOULD I ALIGN ORGANIZATIONAL ACTIVITIES WITH STAKEHOLDER EXPECTATIONS? SHOULD I CONTINUE TO MANAGE ISSUES? Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com ‘32 _G20 Seow Adams, Ino /DIst by UFS, neTED, THERE'S AN APP FOR YOU. HOW AWESOME WAA-WAA! 18 THAT? DON’T FIRE Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com “S201 Scot Adams, Ine DIS by UFS, te: 3303 3 5 Ee &THE SHOW IS TOO BIG TO SEE EVERYTHING, SO I USE A MAMMARY FILTER TO DECIDE WHO I TALK TO. YOU DO YOU HAVE USEA ANY FREE. WHAT? STUFF OR JOB OFFERS? ARE YOU ACTUALLY INTERESTED IN THIS PRODUCT OR ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO CHAT ME UP: 2 "2 Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com ‘51 S701 Soot Adams, ING /DIsL by UFS, ne.CAN ONLY APPEAR ‘TO BE PROACTIVE IF YOU STOP TELLING ME TO DO THINGS I'VE ALREADY PLANNED. HOW AM T SUPPOSED. TO KNOW WHAT YOU PLAN TO 00 EVERY MINUTE? ‘LCOULD SEND YOU AN E-MATL EVERY TIME T HAVE A THOUGHT. t T DONT: HAVE TIME FOR THAT! APPARENTLY YOUR TLL TAKE THE JUST BO (_T HOPE BAD TIME MANAGE — LIBERTY OF SIGNING $0...T WHAT I THE NEXT MENT 13 CREATING YOU UP FOR A TIME SHOULD WANT | THING YoU THE ILLUSION THAT MANAGEMENT CLASS. 1) | NOT BE BEFORE T | ‘Want 1s IM NOT PROACTIVE. PROACTIVE? SARCASM.THE EVENT WAS SO HUGE THAT IT MADE ME FEEL SMALL. BUT IT’S JUST AN ILLUSION. FOR AN ILLUSION, YOU MAKE A GREAT, CUP HOLDER. DUDE. NOT WHAT HAPPENED _ 2 WENT To Your TOA TECH— NOL! OGY TRADE SHOW. Dilber.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com ‘S7r1) e201) Seow Adams, Ing /DISt By UFS, neI CONSIDERED GETTING AN EARRING TO MAKE MYSELF MORE FASCINATING. BUT I SPEND A LOT OF TIME SLEEPING IN MY CHAIR, SO T NEED MY HEAD TO BE CENTER BALANCED. YOU T ALMOST DONT DIED HAVE GETTING NORMAL MY HAIR PROBLEMS, CUT. 7Dist by UFS, ie. Dilber.com DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com RY JBN ezon Seow AderGAAALY SCREEN =| DONT CARE. "©2011 Scott Adan, Inc /DISt by UFS, We. 5 i 5 2 : 5 a 2 4 eWE'LL TOP THAT BY HAVING MEETINGS WHERE EVERYONE DOES JUMPING JACKS WHILE I PELT THEM WITH OFFICE SUPPLIES. YOUR COMPETITORS ARE FASTER BECAUSE THEY HAVE MEETINGS: WHERE EVERYONE HAS. TO STAND UP. ITs S WORKING! Dilbericom _ DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com "S11 ©2011 Scow Adams, ING /DISt by UFS, te.'I.CAN'T HELP YOU BECAUSE I’M BUSY WORKING ON A SOCIAL NETWORK STRATEGY FOR OUR GLOBAL SUPPLY CHAIN. THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING THAT NO ONE WANTS AND. NO ONE NEEDS. THAT'S | PROBABLY WHY IT’S TAKING ber\Cartoonist@grall.com "S211 02011 Seow Adams, Ine /DISt by UFS, We.by SCOTT ADAMS dibert.com | YOU HEARD ME SAY THAT DOING NOTHING WILL END UP COSTING YOU TWICE AS MUCH, RIGHT? ‘AND YOU UNDERSTAND. THAT THIS TS YOUR ONLY ALTERNATIVE? T HAVE ANOTHER MEETING. MAYBE DILBERT CAN, EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, ICANT SIGN OFF ON THIS PLAN. IT'S, TOO EXPENSIVE, MY BOSS DOESNT OKAY. UNDERSTAND THAT TLL TRY, ‘COSTS SHOULD BE Y COMPARED TO. N a 5 TEAMUJORK MEANS, YOU CANT PICK THE SIDE THAT'S RIGHT. ALTERNATIVES, at 0$0. . .YOU E-MAILED OUR CEO AND ASKED FOR FUNDS TO BUILD A SOCIAL NETWORK FOR OUR GLOBAL SUPPLY NO ONE WANTS THAT. BUT IT SOUNDS GOOD, SO HE MOVED ALL OF OUR PROJECT FUNDING TO YOUR DUMB IDEA. AND... YOU WILL SAID THE PRODUCE ENGINEER. NOTHING. WITH NO Dilber.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com ‘Si S701 Soot Adams, Ins /DIst by UFS, ne.DID YOU JUST TAKE CREDIT FOR MY IDEA AND DISS IT AT THE SAME TIME? | THANKS FOR HE ALSO I THOUGHT OF YOUR CLEVERLY TT FEELS IDEA A YEAR AGO AND REJECTED IT FOR BEING IMPRACTICAL. | NOTICING. Dilber.com _ DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com 350) e201 Scot Adams, nc /Dist by UF Inc.T HAVEN'T EXERCISED SINCE THE EIGHTIES. SCIENTISTS SAY THAT EXERCISE MAKES YOUR BRAIN WORK BETTER. THAT PRETTY hae MUCH Dilber.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmail.com ‘Sie 02011 Seow Adams, Ine /DISt by UFS, We.TRY OFFERING HER A CASH PAYMENT OF HALF THE ESTIMATED COST OF THE TRIP IF SHE AGREES TO STOP INVITING YOU. MY BEST FRIEND FROM COLLEGE KEEPS BUGGING ME TO VISIT HER. THE FLIGHT WILL COST A SMALL FORTUNE. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY _T HEAR THEYRE Bo vou EXPENSIVE. Dilber.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com ‘S171 _e70H Sool Adams, ING /DISL by UFS, We.I TRIED, BUT WHEN T PUT THE PHONE TO MY EAR, IT PRESSED MY TRAGUS OVER MY EAR. HOLE AND I COULDN’T HEAR A THING. DO YOUDO IMNOT RESEARCH LAZY, IM. ON YOUR USELESS. EXCUSES: THERE'S BEFORE ABIG MEETINGS? DIFFERENCE. WHY HAVENT YOU RETURNED MY CALLS? Dilbert.com _DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com ‘37B-_o7011 Soot Adams, ING /DISt by UFS, We.IT CANT WAIT TO BELITTLE MY SUB— ORDINATES FOR NOT DOING THE THINGS T ONLY IMAGINED ALICE, I NEED YOU TO FILL IN FOR ME WHILE I’M ON VACATION. 5 EI I 2 : é “S20 Scott Adams, ING /DISL by UFS, We: aASOK, GET ME THE RELIABILITY STATS FOR OUR PREVIOUS MODEL. ; Scott ADAMS ‘ibert.com | GeaTAIN THE WALLY CAN SHOW OATA bors NOT YOU How TO Ger AT. } ‘COME WETH ME ALL BUSINESS DATA IS INTENTIONALLY MISLEADING. T JUST TAKE IT TO THE NEXT ‘A DEEP UNDERSTAND— ING OF REALITY TS EXACTLY THE SAME THING AS LAZINESS, YOU START BY TYPING RANDOM NUMBERS INTO A ‘SPREADSHEET, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A STATUE OF BUDDHA. JOGGING?THAT'S PROOF THAT IM BETTER THAN YOU... AND YOU... AND. YOU... AND YOU... AND ‘OU. OUR POINTY-HAIRED BOSS PUT ME IN CHARGE WHILE HE'S GONE. OH LOOK: THAT‘S THE ONLY THING ON MY AGENDA! Dilberticom _ DilberiGartoonist@gmail.com ‘SH ©2011 Seow Adams, Ing /DIst by UFS, neWE'RE NO LONGER USING THE TERM “WORK-LIFE BALANCE” BECAUSE IT IMPLIES. THAT YOUR LIFE IS. IMPORTANT. NOW WE CALL IT "WORK-LIFE INTEGRATION” SO IT’S EASIER TO MAKE YOU WORK WHEN YOU WOULD PREFER BEING AND I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BIG THANKS TO THOSE OF YOUWHO YOURE NEVER HAD WELCOME. UFS, ne. ibertCartoonist@gmall,com WITH LOVED ONES. 3 i Dilbert.comAND I WROTE A TEST SCRIPT TO TEST DILBERT'S TEST SCRIPT. I SPENT THE WEEK WRITING A TEST SCRIPT FOR OUR PRODUCT. YOUR SCRIPT WAS: ALMOST PERFECT. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, BUDDY. Dilber.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall,com 3271) 62011 Scot Adams, Ine /DIst. by US, In.WE CAN LEARN FROM. OUR MISTAKES. LET’S MAKE A LIST OF THE THINGS THAT EACH OF ae DID WRONG Is IT JUST A COINCIDENCE THAT OUR ANNUAL PERFORMANCE REVIEWS ARE DUE NEXT WEEK? IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE STUFF OF MANAGEMENT LEGENDS. VERY UFS, ne. Dilber.com _Dilbertcartoonist@gmall.com 3 iI GRADUATED FROM THE INDIAN INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY IN LUCKNOW WITH A DOUBLE MAJOR IN ENGINEERING AND FOR MY COMBINED THESIS I TERRAFORMED A PLANET IN ANOTHER DIMENSION AND DIDN'T TELL ANYONE. UFS, ne. HEY, ASOK. IM UPDATING OUR EMPLOYEE PROFILES. WHERE'D YOU GO TO SCHOOL TLL PUT PHYSICS, AND A MINOR “INDIAN.” IN FALSE HUMILITY. Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com 3 iby SCOTT ADAMS diert.com | WALLY, CAN YOU REVIEW THIS FOR ANY ENGINEERING TSGUES? WHAT ISSUES DO YOU THINK TDONT KNOW. 7M NOT AN ENGINEER YOUR REQUEST 15 TOO VAGUE, YOU NEED TO TELL ME WHAT ISSUES TM LOOKING FOR! DID YOU JUST ASK ME TO DO WHAT T JUST ASKED YOU ‘I DONT KNOW. 1M AN ENGINEER, NOT A LINGUIST, I'VE SUDDENLY, LOST ALL FAITH TIN HUMANITY! ON THE PLUS SIDE, YOU FOUND AN TSSUE.I’M WRITING FAKE PRESS RELEASES FOR IMAGINARY NEW GREEN ENERGY TECHNOLOGIES. SCIENTISTS SAY THAT BY 2040 YOU WILL BE ABLE TO POWER YOUR, ENTIRE HOME WITH THE BREEZE FROM YOUR NOW HOW WILL I KNOW WHICH GREEN BREAK— ‘THROUGHS ARE REAL? ) SERIOUSLY? ‘YOU THINK THERE ARE. REAL ONES? REFRIGERATOR com _Dilbericartoonist@gmail.com ‘3294 eon Seow Adame, Ine, Di5 2 q le g a WITH FROSTED GLASS, BUT IT SEEMED LIKE OVERKILL. ‘350162001 Soot Adame, Ine /DIst. by UFS, Inc. Dilbert.com _DilTHATS NOT COLD FUSION. IT’S JUST A AS YOU CAN CLEARLY JAR WITH A LIGHT— SEE, I HAVE CREATED BULB. COLD FUSION. HERE’S SOME IT's MORE NEWS: S311 _©20I1 Scott Adams, Ine /Dist. by UFS, Ine.AND YET YOUR SOUL HAD A MEETING INA CLOUD. INTERESTING. YOURE ALREADY DEAD AND YOU DON’T KNOW IT. ) UM... NO, IWAS HOLDING A VIRTUAL MEETING USING THE CLOUD AND... AN MY PEOPLE ENGINEER. nee ( ‘com _ Dilbericartoonist@gmall.com {£2011 Scolt Adama, Ine /Dist. by UFS, Ine.YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS ARE SO POOR THAT I GAVE UP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WANTED AND INSTEAD PUT SOME WHY APPAREN— DIDN'T —_TLY YOUR YOU JUST LISTENING ASK ME TO | SKILLS CLARIFY?! NEED WORK RANDOM NUMBERS ON tu A SPREADSHEET. C Dilber.com _DiberiCartoonist@gmall.com 2 ©2001 Soot Adame, Ine Dist by UFS, Ine.atts = —et DOGBERT'S CEO INTERVIEW SERIES TDONT LIKE } PEOPLE. WHAT MAKES: YOUR COMPANY. ‘90 PROFITABLE? BECAUSE THE EMPLOYEES ARE TOO DUMB TO SET THEIR ‘OWN DIRECTION? GIVE ALL OF THE CREDIT TO OUR FINE EMPLOYEES. THEYRE | | AS SMART SMART!) (AS YOU? IS THAT ANOTHER, WAY OF SAYING YOURE OVERPATO ‘AND USELESS? GOING To |] ASSUMING SEE THIS? }| YOURE THE HIGHESTGREAT. HE’S TOTALLY IS HE LM BROKEN AND WE NEED NODDING SENSING AN A DECISION TODAY. YES? OPPORTUNITY RI NOW YOU'VE DONE IT. HE HAS BRAIN OVER— LOAD FROM YOUR UNNECESSARILY DETAILED ANSWER. Dilbert.com_DilbertGartoonist@gmail.comTHE LAW SAYS I FOR TAXIDERMY ; CAN'T STUFF HUMANS, ON THIS CRITTER. ESPECIALLY WHEN * THEY'RE STILL BREATHING. BUT T BELIEVE IN SMALL GOVERNMENT, $O ROLL HIM TO THE BACK. IDLIKE A QUOTE ‘5:10 Scot Adame, tne by Une DekHIS BRAIN SHUT DOWN FROM INFORMATION OVERLOAD, SO I ASKED A LIBERTARIAN TAXIDERMIST TO STUFF HIM. THERE'S A HAND HOLE c IN THE BACK SO WE CAN WORK HIM LIKE SORT OF ReccurF = A PUPPET. ‘ . CREEPY. ibert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.comTHE ENGINEERING DEPARTMENT IS. FINISHING ALL OF THEIR PROJECTS EARLY AND WE. DON’T KNOW Wi TELL THEM TO DOA POWERPOINT PRESEN— TATION AT THE NEXT EXECUTIVE RETREAT TO SHARE THEIR METHODS. NOW IT’S MY TURN TO USE THE DEAD BOSS HAND PUPPET! Cartoonist@gmail.com “Scott Adame, Ine/ by Unreal Uck Dilbert.com _ DilWE HAVE A REPORT OF A POINTY—HAIRED BOSS BEING STUNNED BY DATA OVERLOAD, STUFFED, AND USED AS. A HAND PUPPET. THAT‘S RIDICULOUS. IT SOUNDS LIKE THE CASE PLOT OF A POORLY CLOSED, WRITTEN STORY ARC. RIGHT? tCartoonist@gmall.com ; { 3 iICREATED A PORTAL TO A PARALLEL UNI— VERSE. MY SUCCESS WAS POSSIBLE BECAUSE ALICE KILLED OUR BOSS SO WE ARE ALL MORE LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, ASOK. SOME OTHER UNIVERSE JUST GOT A LOT MORE PRODUCTIVE. STEP ASIDE. THE COPS: HAVE BEEN SNIFFING AROUND AND I NEED SOMETHING FROM THE OTHER UNIVERSE. Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com “FF 62011 Scott Adame, Ine/ Oe by Una Gack221—MELTOOWN IN CUBICLE 459540! YOU END UP SPENDING ALL OF YOUR TIME. EXPLAINING WHY YOU DIONT GET IT Hl THAT'S TED. HE MUST HAVE. REACHED HIS TUL THAT MAKES ALL OF YOUR OTHER PROTECTS OVERDUE. LHEN EVERY TASK BECOMES URGENT, YOUR BRAIN CANT. DECIDE WHAT TO Do THEORETICAL | TT STARTS WHEN WORKLOAD LIMIT JUST ONE OF YOUR, PROJECTS BECOMES, IN LAYMANS OVERDUE. TERMS. HIS. BRAIN 1S FULL, BRAINS MAKE A FUNNY NOISE WHEN THEY SHUT DOWN, i gusT MISSEDYOU NEED TO CREATE A PRODUCT THAT GIVES PEOPLE THE ILLUSION OF BEING FRIENDS WITH GHOSTS. PEOPLE ONLY WANT REAL FRIENDS, NOT IMAGINARY ONES. YOUR IDEA IS RIDICULOUS. HOW MANY FRIENDS DO SEVEN YOU HAVE ON HUNDRED. FACEBOOK? = WHY? iGartoonist@gmall.com Ol! Soot Adame, Ino/ Ov by Unvarwa lck Dilbert.com DlOUR NEW PRODUCT WILL BE A SOCTAL NETWORK FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH GHOSTS. WELL POST SATELLITE PICTURES ON EACH GHOST’S PERSONAL PAGE AND SAY THE PHOTOS: WERE TAKEN FROM HEAVEN. ABRAHAM LINCOLN I™ POSTED NEW CHATTING PICTURES. WITH GANDHI! i i Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.comBUT I JUSTIFY IT BECAUSE OUR EXISTENCE PREVENTS: COMPETITORS FROM. RAISING PRICES. OUR PRODUCTS ONLY APPEAL TO PEOPLE WHO AREN'T GOOD AT COMPARISON SHOPPING. AM T IT MOLT A BAD ALITTLE PERSON? = BIT EVERY TIME YOU TALK. Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmall.com {ib 7e2011 Soot Adame Ine/ Oi by User UskT PLAN TO ADD SEVEN MORE LAYERS OF MANAGEMENT BETWEEN YOU AND ME. MY GOAL IS TO LEAD THE COMPANY WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT IT. THIS SORT THAT OF INPUT SOUNDS I EXACTLY LIKE A = (WHAT IM BAD IDEA. TRYING TO i e £ Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.comTHE NEW LAYERS ARE IF YOU HAVE ANY ve, AVP, DIRECTOR, 2 DOLPHIN, INANIMATE sooo re = OBJECT, AND CHALKY THE CHALKY SUBSTANCE. SUBSTANCE. I’ ADDING A FEW. LAYERS OF MANAGE— MENT BELOW ME. Dilbert.com_bilbertGartoonist@gmail.comI DEVELOPED THIS APP IN MY SPARE. TIME. WHAT DO YOU THINK? Dilbert.com_DilberGartoonist@gmall.com I THINK YOU MADE SPARE TIME LOOK LIKE AN AWFUL IF YOUD LIKE A LESS HONEST ANSWER, I CAN RECOMMEND SOMEONE IN MARKETING. IMIGHT TRYAND WE PLAN TO BESTSHORE THE PRODUCTION. BUT WE NEVER. SUCCEEDED BECAUSE UWERE INCOMPETENT? aibert.com | ISAT SECA ‘Nou INSTEAD OF NEVER TRIED To SEPSHORE Peet THe Beer shox wa” ALL_I™ SAYING IS THAT SOME. COUNTRIES ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS! OF COURSE WE TRIED TO PICK THE BEST SHORE!Dilbert.com DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com | { i iTHAT WAS STAN. AND YOU TOLD HIM TO FIND A LESS. EXPENSIVE WAY TO DO IT. WHICH ONE OF YOU ASKED FOR CAPITAL FOR TESTING HANDSET RADIATION? WHICH ONE OF YOU IS Seat Adame, Ine/ Deby Ue Us Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com “1WE'RE SEVENTY YEARS: y BY THE WAY, THAT IN YOUR FUTURE. IM | SETI THING WON'T | THE GREAT GRANDSON | WORK OUT THE WAY | YOURE HOPING. J TRYING TO REACH. Dceemeen mma T HOPE IM NOT CALLING TOO LATE. WHAT TIME IS IT IN ELBONIA? rCartoonist@gmail.com Dilbert.com DiIS IT OKAY IF TSUST SHOULDN'T STAREAT — YOU BE YOU IN = DISBELIEF? ING SOME DO YOU MIND IF I ASK CAROL TO HELP. ME SCHEDULE THESE MEETINGS? THAT'S NO GOOD. SHE'D USE IT AS AN EXCUSE TO DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE FOR A WEEK. MEETINGS? ( Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com \yDIT/@201 Soot Adame, Ine / Ge by UnveraASOK, THERE’S NO NICE WAY TO SAY Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmall.com BO THIS MINDLESS TASK FOR ME BECAUSE YOURE NOTHING BUT AN INTERN AND YOUR TIME HAS VERY LITTLE VALUE. THERE PROBABLY WAS A NICE WAY TO SAY THAT.TO BE PERFECTLY HONEST, IT WAS A LONG MEETING AND WE PROBABLY DIDNT DO OUR BEST WORK TOWARD THE END. THE COMMITTEE DECIDED THAT THE FILE NAMING CONVENTION WILL START WITH THE DATE, IN THE ORDER OF MONTH, YEAR, DAY. . . ... THEN A SPACE, THEN THE TEMPERATURE AT THE AIRPORT, AND. THE HAT SIZE OF THE NEAREST SQUIRREL. a i 2 5 3| Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.comTHAT'S NOTHING. EXPOSURE TO MY T™ IN A BAD MOOD. INNER GLOUW WILL MAYBE I NEED SOME GIVE YOU A FULL RANGE SUN TO BOOST MY OF VITAMINS AND. VITAMIN . LEVEL. MINERALS. YOURE BETTER I DONT QUIT JUST BECAUSE IT’S NIGHT. 12571980 Seat Adame, ie. Dat by Unvral lekTHE COMPANY IS. TRYING TO REDUCE EXPENSES, SO YOU NEED TO PAY FOR YOUR OWN RADIATION DOSIMETERS. WELL JUST STARE AT YOU UNTIL YOU UNDERSTAND THE WRONGNESS OF THAT POLICY. Seow Adame, Ine Dot by Unverat Ure Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com 136REALLY? ISTARTED A TASK I™ DOING FORCE TO ELIMINATE REDUNDANCIES IN OUR INTERNAL PROCESSES. Dilbert.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmall.com1™ LOST. IF YOU NO PROBLEM. CAN'T HELP ME. WHAT’S YOUR I THINK I MIGHT PASSWORD ‘SNAP. RECOVERY PIN CODE? IHAVE SO MANY PASSWORDS AND EMAIL ACCOUNTS AND USER NAMES THAT I DON’T Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.comTHATE THIS STUPID COMPLICATED PLANET! TAM SO OUT OF HERE! RECOVER A PASSWORD, PIN CODE, USER NAME, PASS CODE OR CODE WORD? Dilbert.com_bilbertGartoonist@gmail.comIT RESEARCHED HOW IVE SEEN LONG YOUR CUSTOMERS: WILL STAY ON THE PHONE TRYING TO GET TECH SUPPORT BEFORE GIVING UP. THEN I DESIGNED AN AUDIO MENU TREE THAT WILL TAKE THEM SLIGHTLY LONGER THAN THAT TO REACH YOUR TECH SUPPORT. YOUR USER MANUALS. AND T ASSUME THAT YOU HATE YOUR CUSTOMERS’ GUTS. Dilbert.com_DilbertCartoonist@gmail.com "p01 ©2011 Seow Adame, Ine 0COMMON SENSE SAYS UNLESS. .. SOUNDS I SHOULD GO HOME LIKE YOUR EARLY TO AVOID 1 BRAIN IS MAKING ANY MISTAKES BACK TO THAT WOULD BE BAD TANT. ITS PEAK FOR THE COMPANY. EFFICIENCY. RA MY BRAIN ISNT WORKING AT ITS PEAK EFFICIENCY THIS AFTERNOON. (a com _DilbertCartoonist@gmail.com 'S-Z1Oz0H Seow Adame IneMORDAC BASED ON THAT INFORMATION, WE CAME UP WITH A LIST OF NICKNAMES FOR MY JOB GOT ALOT MORE FUN AFTER WE STOPPED DOING THE CLIENT SATISFAC— TION SURVEYS. TED, THE 1.5. GROUP MONITORS EVERY WEBSITE YOU VISIT. aby Una Usk f 8 Dilbert.com_DilbertGartoonist@gmail.comIT STARTED AS A SERIES OF HONEST MISTAKES. NOW IT’S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN MAINTAIN OUR BONUSES. E 8 g 8 3 5 ; 2 a E 5 3 a 8T ASSUME THAT’S WHAT ; HAPPENED. OTHERWISE, |= YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TIME TO CREATE DESK STANDARDIZATION POLICIES. CONGRATULATIONS ON SOLVING EVERY IMPORTANT PROBLEM IN THE WORLD. Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com ‘5-511 ©201| Seon Adame, neTHEN I COULD ENJOY THE ADMIRATION AND RESPECT OF MY PEERS. IM TOYING WITH THE IDEA OF BECOMING A USEFUL MEMBER OF CIETY. THE WAY YOU RESPECT AND ADMIRE Dilbert.com_bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com ‘Sel O20I1 Soot Adame ne, Det by Unworal leeOUCH! YOUR STING— ING SARCASM HAS: EMBARRASSED ME. INTO SAYING T WILL ACCEPT A FAXED COPY. ARE ABSOLUTELY, WE BECAUSE THE GOOD 1950s ISA NOW? HAPPY TIME. INEED THE SIGNED ae ORIGINAL iGartoonist@gmail.com ‘S111 €2011 Soot Adame, Ine-Oir by Unvrsa UPick Dibert.com DlHERE’S THE FIRST DRAFT OF AN ADVANCE HEALTH CARE DIRECTIVE I WROTE FOR YOU. “KILL ME IF I HAVE A HEADACHE. KILL ME IF IM ITCHY. KILL ME IF I COMPLAIN TOO MUCH.” I MIGHT THERE'S by Ura Usk PLAINING AGAIN! Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmall;comFOR COMPETITIVE REASONS, WEVE. REBRANDED ALL OF OUR 4G MOBILE PRODUCTS TM CURIOUS WHAT GUESS WHAT THE MARKETING DOESN'T MEAN DEPARTMENT THINKS GOODNESS. THE “G” STANDS FOR. | g) Dilbert;com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com 5-10 e200 Scott Adame, Ine.DaWALLY, DID YOU FINISH CODING THE PAYWALL FOR OUR 7 WEBSITE? Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmall.com I DID SOMETHING BETTER. I WROTE A SCRIPT TO DELETE ANY NEW CONTENT AS SOON AS IT'S POSTED. AT BONUS TIME, KEEP IN MIND THAT YOURE THE ONE WHO HAD THE IDEA TO ELIMINATE REVENUE, AND IM THE ONE WHO LOWERED HOSTING COSTS.I SURE DO! I TOOK A HANDFUL OF THEM THIS MORNING AND I FEEL GREAT IN SPITE OF YOUR COMPLAINING! HOW FUNNY WOULD IT BE IF I MAKE YOU RUN ON A TREADMILL UNTIL YOU PASS OUT? iS IM SICK OF LISTENING TO WHINY IDIOTS. DO YOU HAVE A PILL FOR THAT? rCartoonist@gmal.com Dilbert.com _ DITESTIMATED THE PROJECT TIMELINE BY THAT'S A STUPID WAY TO DO A TIMELINE. ASSUMING THAT EVERY— SET UP A MEETING ONE INVOLVED WILL WASTE ONE WEEK. AND TLL SHOW YOU HOU IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE DONE. ‘S11 ©2011 Seow Adame, Ine Det by Unveraa Ue HE'S AVAILABLE IN A WEEK. iHE SPECIFICATIONS CHANGED? Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.comIT’S TOO BAD THAT BEING SMART DOESN’T COME WITH SOME SORT OF GOOD FEELING LIKE YOU SCHEDULED THE END OF THE TEST PHASE AFTER THE START OF THE PRODUCTION PHASE. WERE FEELING CONFIDENT. Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com 201 Scot Adame: Ine Det by UnvaraUeicIM CONSIDERING BECOMING AN IDIOT SO IT CAN GET THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF HAPPINESS. E 8 g 8 3 : ; 2 a E 5 3 2 ES IT COMES WITH A SOCIAL STIGMA, BUT THAT‘S NOT A PROBLEM IF IM NOT AWARE THAT I™ AN IDIOT. T FEEL HEALTHY TODAY, SO THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE T ALREADY MADE THE ITION.THE PRINTER IT’S TIME TO SEE PROWLER SPOTS. WHAT THE MINIONS ACTIVITY. ARE WORKING ON. ‘©2011 Scott Adame, Inc: Deby Unie! Joke E 8 g 8 3 5 ; 2 a 5 5 3 a 8I MUST BE SO OUT OF TOUCH WITH TECHNOLOGY THAT I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE E T FLUSHED THE GRAVITONS OUT OF THE WARP DRIVE AND REBALANCED THE SUBSPACE RESPONDERS. THE WORDS. Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com ‘520.1820 Seon Adame, edaTHERE WAS A CONSENSUS IN THE ROOM THAT YOURE NOT IMPORTANT, SO WE STARTED WITHOUT x WE HATE YOU FOR DISRESPECTING US WITH YOUR LATENESS OF THOSE THINGS AND WE EXPECT YOU'LL THAT DOESN’T WORK BE LOST AND CONFUSED FOR EVERYONE. BY THE REST OF THIS. IN SUMMARY, LATENESS IS ONE Bet by Uva Uk MEETING. Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.comADAMS diert.com | r a ‘SURE, I. CAN DO. THIS DOESNT IT CAME STRAIGHT Tue Ls THAT RESEARCH for RIGHT. FROM OUR LAWYER. LWRONG. CAN YOU RESEARCH IT A. IN MY HEAD. LITTLE MORE? LET'S SEE... OUR WHEREAS YOU HAVE, ‘THE DATA CLEARLY YEARS IN THIS BINATION OF GREASY fae EXACT FIELO, FOOD AND IGNORANCE."pen evans 07 SU) WEY HOOS TOEUPDATE: AN ARMY OF MOLE PEOPLE FROM ANOTHER DIMENSION HAS TUNNELED THROUGH. ‘SO FAR WE'VE SEEN VIRUSES, SPYWARE, TUBERCULOSIS, ZOMBIES, A DEPOSED DICTATOR, AND AN IPHONE 36S. OUR FIREWALL IS. DOWN. SOME BAD STUFF IS GETTING THROUGH. ) HOW i J KEEP ME. INFORMED. Dilbert.com_DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com ‘S24 eB Scott Adame, nebo. bj Uv UlaTONLY SCORED A TWO ON THE SMARTPHONE SCALE, BUT TWAS A SOLID FIVE COMPARED TO SOMEONE NAMED “LYING LARRY.” NOW I COMPARE ALL MEN TO THE ENTERTAINMENT STANDARD OF MY SMARTPHONE. IT USED TO COMPARE ALL MEN TO MY EX- BOYFRIEND. Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com "Eas" ezoH Scott Adame, Ine/0a1% UwweaUlekIN THIS EXERCISE, I AND IT’S STILL WANT YOU TO PUT : BETTER THAN YOUR ARMS AT YOUR WORKING WITH SIDE, CLOSE YOUR OTHER PEOPLE. EYES, AND FALL BACKWARD. TODAY YOULL LEARN HOW TO WORK INDEPENDENTLY. Dilbert.com_DilbertGartoonist@gmail.comPUT THEM My I THINK IMIGHT INA TEXT WHAT? YOU CALL IT HAVE SOME TO YOUR-— A SMART— QUESTIONS. SELF. TLL READ THEM SECURITY SAYS YOUR EMPLOYEE LOCATOR DEVICE ISN’T TURNED ON. Dilbert.com _ DilbertGartoonist@gmail.com i i s 5 s iTWO QUESTIONS: WHAT IS A FIREWALL? AND WHO DESIGNED MY ESCAPE POD? HACKERS Dilbert.com_DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com 1528/11 ©2011 Scott Adame Ine, O= 5) Uwe iceby SCOTT ADAMS diert.com | THIS AWARD GOES IDIDNT 90 TO DILBERT FOR ANYTHING LIKE, COMING UP WITH THAT. YOU MUST DO YOU EVEN A MATOR FIX TO BE THINKING OF KNOW WHAT. OUR HTML. SOMEONE ELSE, HTML TS? TTS LIKE A WeestTe? WHAT I MEANT TO — $0... YOURE GIVING YES! ENVY ME, Kaun AN AWARD FOR SOME — SAY IS THAT I GIVE THING YOU DONT. THIS AWARD TO YOU STINKIN’ PEOPLE r UNDERSTAND. . TO ALICE... FOR SAY THIS FIXED SOMEONE WHO WASNT CHAT SHE DID. IMPROVES THE MORALE. INVOLVED?AND MORE DISTRUST. HOW DO YOU LIVE IS THIS A PREEMPTIVE STRIKE SO I WON'T ASK WHY YOU DIDN'T TURN IN A PROJECT UPDATE? I CAN'T WORK FOR, A BOSS WHO DOESN'T TRUST ME TO WORK INDEPENDENTLY! WITH YOURSELF? Dilbert.com_bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com '5 30 e201 Soot Adame, Ine. UeMAYBE TLL BE SMARTER WHEN I HAVE MORE DISTRAC— THE COMPANY IS. CONSIDERING MOVING FROM CUBICLES TO AN OPEN WORKSPACE ENVIRONMENT. GREAT IDEA. CAN WE ADD SOME CRYING BABIES AND THE SOUND OF WATER DRIPPING? Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com 531 62011 Scott Adame, IneDO YOU REMEMBER SIX MONTHS AGO WHEN I TOLD YOU YOU WERE WRONG? EEE—YORE! EEE—YORE! Er —YORE! I JUST REALIZED I™ A BAD WINNER. / Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmaill.com (112201 Seott Adame, Ine, [et Unreal UcekMAYBE. BUT I THINK I OWE IT TO OUR STOCKHOLDERS TO POISON THE CAFETERIA JUST TO BE SURE. ACCORDING TO YOUR ABSURDLY COMPLICATED FINANCIAL MODEL, WE ‘CAN DOUBLE REVENUE BY INCREASING ABSENTEEISM. TO BE FAIR, THERE MIGHT BE AN ERROR OR TWO IN THE EXCEL SPREADSHEET. rCartoonist@gmall.com (©2011 Scott Adame, ne. Ba by User lk Dilbert.com _ DilHOW CAN YOU COMPARE OUTSOURCING TO OUR RESTROOMS? ARE YOU A RACIST? UM... I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING REMOTELY LIKE DID YOU LEARN TO DEBATE ON THE INTERNET? "on Scott Adame Inc, baby Untick Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.comTINA, ALL T WANTED YOU TO SAY IN THE PRESS RELEASE IS THAT OUR VP OF ENGINEERING IS LEAVING FOR PERSONAL REASONS. LET'S LOSE EVERYONE THE PART THINKS IT’S ABOUT EASY TO “BIEBER =-_ WRITE FEVER.” FICTION. YOU DIDN'T NEED TO SPECULATE ON THE REASONS. so Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com “G-eBOI Scott Adama, Ine-De Unwed UlekNO YOU WON'T. YOULL READ ONE PARAGRAPH THEN TELL ME TO GO RESEARCH SOMETHING SO YOU CAN POSTPONE DEALING WITH IT. TLL REVIEW YOUR DOCUMENT AND GIVE YOU MY COMMENTS THIS AFTERNOON. ) Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com (CI) O20 Seat Adame, Ine. Deby User leBUT THAT’S OKAY BECAUSE MANAGEMENT ONLY USES THE RESULTS WHEN THE FIGURES: SUPPORT THEIR. SCHEMES FOR CAREER MY FINANCIAL MODEL IN EXCEL IS SO COMPLICATED THAT I ASSUME IT’S RIDDLED WITH FORMULA ERRORS. UH-OH. IJUST REALIZED THAT MY LIFE Is RIDICULOUS. ADVANCEMENT. Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com G71 20 Seat Adame,AY BEST FRIEND IN JEALOUSY IS MY POCKET. = NOT ATTRACTIVE. TINVENTED A SHOULDER HOLDER FOR MY PHONE. Dilbert.com_bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com 2 5 eTHIS WEEK T RENAMED ALL OF THE UNIX SERVERS TO MAKE THEM EASIER TO REMEMBER. IN PHASE ONE, THE NEW NAMES EXIST ONLY IN MY MIND. TWONT KNOW IF THEYRE EASY TO REMEMBER UNTIL I DONT ane he KNOL WHAT artoonist@gmail.com YOURE SERVER TALKING NAMES? ABOUT. NEXT WEEK. e201 Seat Adama, Ine Ee by UahelIM JUST STOPPING BY TO SAY YOURE DOING A GREAT JOB, ALICE. YOU NEVER DO THAT! IT’S A TRICK! DIE, MONSTER, DIE! I MIGHT HAVE A CREDIBILITY (10-1 ©2011 Seott Adama, Ine bat by Over eh Dilbert.com _ DilbertGartoonist@gmail.comICAN’T WAIT TO FINISH THIS MIND—NUMBING TASK. SO I CAN START \ I REALLY NEED TO, { ) _ ( STOP THINKING. { . Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.comIM TRYING TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF OF THE T AM UNFULFILLED AT MY JOB. WHEN DOES THAT FEELING GO AWAY? ASOK, YOU SHOULDN'T THINK YOURE TOTALLY WORTHLESS. rCartoonist@gmail.com 11 @2011 Soot Adame, Ine. Toby Umar a Dilbert;com biAT WHAT POINT DID YOU REJECT THE HYPOTHESIS THAT YOURE TOO DUMB TO. UNDERSTAND HOW GOOD THE IDEA Is? IM BECOMING EVEN LESS OF A PEOPLE PERSON. ‘YOUR IDEA WILL NEVER WORK. Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com (G-lV-IT 82011 Soot Adame, Ine a by UaeIM BLAH, BLAH, YOU NEED TO BEGGING BLAH, BLAH, PARTICIPATE b BLAH, BLAH, MORE IN BLAH, BLAH, 2 MEETINGS. BLAH, BLAH. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH UM.. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH MAY BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. TASK BLAH, BLAH, BLAH ne BLAH, BLAH. . . A - Dilbert.com_bilbertGartoonist@gmall.comYES. I'VE INITIATED DISCUSSIONS TO CREATE A FRAMEWORK THAT WOULD ALLOW US TO ADOPT COMPLEMENTARY ARCHITECTURES. WALLY, HAVE YOU DONE ANYTHING TO ADDRESS THE OVERLAP OF YOUR PROJECT WITH TED’S PROJECT? WHEN DID 50... WE STOP NOTHING. CALLING IT ) LEADERSHIP? Dilbert.com _bilberGartoonist@gmall.com (6-16 620i Seat Adams IneWITH ANY LUCK, MY IGNORANCE OF THEIR FUNCTION WILL BE SEEN AS AN AGGRESSIVE TYPE OF OBJECTIVITY. I NOTICED SOME INEFFICIENCIES IN ANOTHER DEPARTMENT, SO I FORMED A KAIZEN TEAM TO FIND SOLUTIONS. T ASKED SOME OF THE PEOPLE IN THAT DEPARTMENT TO BE ON THE TEAM, BUT THEY WERE BUSY BEING INEFFICIENT. Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com Tea0i1 Scot Adame, efor by eral UoWALLY, SHOULD T TRY TO BECOME INDISPENSIBLE SO T WON'T BE FIRED? Dilbert.com _ DilbertGartoonist@gmail.com NO. INDISPENSIBLE PEOPLE END UP WORKING TOO HARD BECAUSE THEY CAN'T RISK SHOWING ANYONE ELSE HOW TO DO WHAT THEY DO. BEING HAVE YOU SEEN THE. TIE CLIPT RISKIER. GOT FOR 20 YEARS OF SERVICE?IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, WOULD YOU QUIT WORKING? x) Dilbert.com _ Dil MIGHT START GLOATING IF IT ISN’T TOO HARD. 201 62011 Scott Adame, Ine OUT MOVING ANY FACIAL MUSCLES? T HAVE WEAK EYEBRORS:CAN You WHAT DID APPROVE EVERYONE THIS? ELSE SAY? IT WAS ONCE CALLED MATRIX MANAGEMENT. BUT IT GOT SO COMPLICATED THAT NO ONE KNOWS WHO DOES WHAT. YOULL NEED APPROVAL, FROM THE CLOUD. rGartoonist@gmail.com ‘Garile2Oll Scot Adame, Ine, /oa. by Var ek Dilbert.com_biI WANT YOU TO USE “BLACK HAT” METHODS TO RAISE OUR WEBSITE’S RANKING ON SEARCH ENGINES. Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com WHAT DO YOU LIKE BEST ABOUT THAT IDEA — THE FACT THAT IT’S UNETHICAL OR THE NEAR CERTAINTY OF GETTING CAUGHT? = THAT'S SORT OF A TALKING LOSERISH DOESN'T THING TO WORK FOR SAY. PEOPLENOW OUR WEBSITE ONLY SHOWS UP. WHEN SOMEONE ENTERS THE SEARCH STRING “DUNG FOR BRAINS.” E 8 g 8 3 : ; 2 a E 5 g a 8 ‘6241/2011 Soot Adams, Ine is by Urbana akOH NO! EMPLOYEE JOB SATISFACTION IS AT AN ALL-TIME LOW AT THE SAME TIME UNEMPLOYMENT Is HIGH! ss HA HA! GOOD ONE. NOW IT’S MY TURN TO TRY SAYING IT AS IF I CARE! HA HA! FIX YOUR rCartoonist@gmal.com (G25 ©20H Soot Adame, Ine Det by Vara Veh Dilbert.com DiDILBERT ‘STEER CLEAR ‘OF DARRYL. HE TURNED THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS UHEN ENGINEERS DON'T. GET INVITED TO MEETINGS. DARRYL'S ONLY SOCIAL LIFE WAS MEETINGS. Diba CaroorepraTsoT BY SCOTT ADAMS HE DIDN'T GET TO USE HIS SOCIAL SKILLS. FOR A FEW WEEKS, AND APPARENTLY HE LOST THEM, 18 TT LIKE HE TURNED INTO 1 WOLFMAN? YES, EXCEPT HE'S BETTER AT MATH, AND HE HOWLS AT THE INTERNET, NOT THE MOON, HOW-00000. CAN YOU BLOGEMPLOYEES KEEP WHINING THAT WE DON’T HAVE A CLEAR DIRECTION. $0 I'VE DOUBLED I THOUGHT THE NUMBER OF WE WERE NO, WE'RE MANAGERS IN EACH DOUBLING DOUBLING GROUP TO INCREASE THE THE THE CLARITY. :] DIRECTION. CLARITY. Dilbert.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmall.comIT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO GET ANYTHING DONE THIS TIME OF YEAR BECAUSE EVERYONE WHO ISN'T TOTALLY WORTHLESS IS ON VACATION. Dibert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com 1628] 92011 Scott Adame ne. /Dat by Unare UsoxDO YOU WANT TO BE ANGRY ABOUT YOUR DROPPED CALLS: OR ANGRY ABOUT YOUR POOR BATTERY LIFE? DON'T PEOPLE HATE THE SIMILAR MESSENGER. TO YOU ) BUILD T.NEED A NEW PHONE. WHICH ONE DO YOU RECOMMEND? PHONES. \ (6-271) E20 Seow Adame, Ine toy Unr Utek Dilbert;com_bilbertGartoonist@gmall.comTHE VOICE RECEPTION IS A BIT WEAK, BUT T YOU MIGHT CAN USUALLY MAKE A. BE A VICTIM CALL IF I KEEP MY OF GOOD CHECK OUT MY NEW SMARTPHONE! TONGUE ON A FLAGPOLE. MARKETING. — APPS! Dilbert.com_ DilbertCartoonist@gmail.comI HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT IT IS POLITICALLY INCORRECT TO USE MY FIST OF DEATH $0 FEEL THE £] OOPS. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SINGLE. WRATH OF MY =] MARRIED GUYS CAN TOTALLY LEGAL TAKE A HIGHER EYE CANNONS! Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.comUM... IM NOT EVEN CLOSE TO BEING A BULLY, BUT NOW YOUR CONFIRMATION BIAS: WILL MAKE EVERYTHING I SAY SOUND LIKE LET’S BEGIN THE MEETING, BUT BE AWARE THAT T AM DOCUMENTING ALL OF YOUR BULLYING BEHAVIOR. CAN YOU REPEAT THE PART AFTER YOU IMPLIED THAT IMA DELUSIONAL WITCH? BULLYING TO YOU. Dilbert;com_bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com "ToL eBOI Soot Adame, Me, by Vowel VickDILBERT ana || THIS BID AND LET ME KNOW TFT CAN ORDER THE HARDWARE? 80 FAR, IN RESPONSE TO MY REQUEST, YOUVE GIVEN ME AMBIGUTTY, TUMBLING, AND A. CHANGE OF SUBJECT. NEED YOUR INPUT ON MY POWERPOINT thane ARE YOU SAYING YES T CAN ORDER THE HARDWARE, OR YES YOULL LOOK WOULD YOU PREFER THAT T BADGER YOU FOR AN ANSWER UNTIL YOU GET ANGRY, OR, SHOULD T RETURN TO. MY CUBICLE AND RESUME BEING INEFFECTIVE? BY SCOTT ADAMS YOU ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS,YOURE HIRED. YOU MUST HAVE AWESOME TECHNICAL SKILLS OR ELSE SOMEONE WOULD HAVE KILLED ‘YOU BY NOW. I CAN'T TELL IF TM _A MANAGEMENT GENIUS OR JUST LAZY. YOURE IGNORANT AND RIDICULOUS. I™ BORED. ARE WE DONE HERE? Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com TFHIl_@201t Seon Adame, ne, ab UiI RECOMMENDED OPTION TWO BECAUSE NEITHER PLAN WILL WORK BUT TALREADY IF YOU APPROVED NEED ANY. OPTION ONE. MORE HELP, JUST LET ME KNOW. DID YOU READ MY COMMENTS ON THE TWO ALTERNATIVES? OPTION ONE IS WAY MORE EXPENSIVE. 7-51] w20i Soot Adama, Ine Ds by al UxIM NOT SAYING TM INCAPABLE! RICOULD emer Pee DOTHISIN — eney, MY SLEEP! : You AREN'T CAPABLE OF DOING Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com “t) Wil Seat Adama, Ine, Une UlexID LIKE TO REWARD ‘YOU FOR YOUR HARD. WORK BY GIVING YOU A LATERAL PROMOTION. I WAS GOING TO HIRE FROM THE OUTSIDE, BUT REALIZED I CAN MAKE YOU DO THE NEW JOB PLUS YOUR OLD ONE. IS MONEY INVOLVED? YES! IM SAVING A TON OF IT! ) Dilbert.com _DildertCartoonist@gmall.com ‘77Hl_©20H Seat Adame, In. (Dt by Urvea UnlHOW WILL WE DO THAT WITH PRODUCTS THAT AREN’T COMPET— ITIVE IN AN INDUSTRY THAT ISN’T GROWING? OUR GOAL IS TO DOES IT GROW HERO LINE INVOLVE CRIME? artoonist@gmail.com ©2011 Seat Adame, ne, (x Uva VolekTHEYRE HALFWAY BETWEEN A LUCID DREAM AND A NEAR—DEATH HALLUCINATION. ARE YOUR PROJECTIONS REALISTIC OR OPTIMISTIC? ibert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com 4 ? 5 3 a 2 i 5 3 tDILBERT EACH OF YOU HAS. ALREADY MASTERED THE ART OF BEING USELESS AT WORK. ‘ONE: BRING UP. TOPICS THAT ARE ‘SURE TO CAUSE OTHERS TO FIGHT. IT'S TIME TO TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL. ‘TWO: COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL PROBLEMS AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY. TODAY I WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO BE TOXIC. YOUR HOMEWORK TS TO PRACTICE AT WORK TOMORROW. BY SCOTT ADAMS TOXIC PEOPLE TALK ABOUT TWO TYPES OF THINGS. ‘MENTIONED TO ALICE THAT YOU THINK HER PLAN TS. KIND OF LAME,‘YOU OFFENDED ME WHEN YOU SAID TED DID A GREAT JOB. IT IMPLIED THAT IM UNIMPORTANT. ARE YOU SAYING T WALLY, YOU'RE VERY CAN OFFEND YOU RATIONAL TODAY. BY COMPLIMENTING OTHER PEOPLE? EXACTLY. ( Dilbert.com_bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com ‘20H Scott Adame, neI THINK I SPEAK FOR ALL OF YOUR FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER WHEN T SAY WE WANT MORE, MORE, MORE. YOU DON'T USE YOu FASCINATE, ME. TWITTER. rCartoonist@gmail.com ‘20H Scott Adama ne Dilbert.com_biYOU SHOULD BUILD YOUR OWN HELICOPTER FROM A KIT. ILL SEND YOU A LINK TO THE WEBSITE. IT’S ONLY DANGEROUS IS IT AS FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE EASY AS IT TOO DUMB TO KNOW SOUNDS? TI HOW DUMB THEY ARE. HAVE PLIERS. rCartoonist@gmail.com ibert.com _Dil fmmHAVE YOU MET THE NEW ENGINEER? HE’S A GIGANTIC DORK. YOU TWO WOULD GET ALONG GREAT. TLL EMAIL HIM TO BEING A HE SAYS SET UP A DATE WITH YOU, IS TOMORROW DORK IS NOT A man ROMANTIC 15 "STAR PREFERENCE. Wars” CHESS SET. ‘a iGartoonist@gmall.com "i ©20i Soot Adame, Ine Dilbert;com biTHAT SHOULD MAKE EVERYTHING I DO TODAY SEEM USEFUL, BY COMPARISON. HI-AW-AH-HEE HU-HA-YA-YA WA-HA-YA-YI IT IS TIME FOR THE SACRED DANCE OF THE CUBICLE. Naa Dilbert.com _ DilbertGartoonist@gmail.com is e260 Scott Adama, IneDESIGN THE NEXT RELEASE AND WELL TELL YOU IF IT’S WHAT EVERYONE THE CUSTOMER, SURVEY DATA IS FOR MARKETING’S EYES ONLY. THAT’S AN ENGINEERING SECRET. Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com Tigi e20H Seott Adame, IneDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS TD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT. MY CAREER YOURE WITHIN JUST LIKE THE PRESENT, 20% OF YOUR MAX—| JS] ExcepT YOULL BE OLDER IMUM CAREER AND YOU MIGHT OWN A POTENTIAL. LESS EMBARRASSING DibeCaroor STS IF YOU GO TOA I! TAKE BAC MAYBE SOMEDAY OUR HEY, I™ THE GAAAII! TAKE BACK CEO WILL MAKE SUCH GUY WHO TRIED NEU COMPANY, YOULL LIKE TT AT FIRST. THE TRUTH! LIE TO A HUGE BONUS THAT TO SPARE YOU BUT IN TIME YOULL ME! LIE TO ME! HELL WANT TO SHARE FROM THIS REALIZE EVERY PLACE, ere u SOME OF IT WITH YOU, CONVERSATION. ‘1S THE SAMEI DONT WANT YOU TO BE MORE EFFICIENT. YOURE WORKING ON A GOVERNMENT CONTRACT AND BILLING BY THE HOUR. THIS CLASS WILL MAKE ME MORE EFFICIENT. Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com "Tiel e20n| Scot Adame, IneHOW MANY HI, IM TWITTER DILBERT. FOLLOWERS | DO YOU FOR A. Bieta GHOST, YOU DOA GOOD JOB OF BLOCKING THE WORLD NONE. HAS JUDGED YOU. HAVE? Dilbert com _DilbertCartoonist@gmail.com Ti) o20Ht Scot Adams, IneIS IT OKAY IFT SPEND THE NEXT WEEK BALANCING TRAFFIC LOADS ON OUR NETWORK? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU THAT OUR HARDWARE VENDOR ALREADY DID THAT. Dibert.com DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com 720.1 e20H1 Scot Adame neIM DOING A STUDY TO FIND OUT WHICH MANAGERS MAKE DUMB DECISIONS. WOULD. YOU LIKE TO PARTICIPATE? Dibert.com DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com 722.1 o20i Soot Adame, IneYOUR ANNUAL SKIP— LEVEL MEETING WITH MY BOSS IS NEXT JEEK. E 8 g 8 3 5 1: 2 a £ 5 2 3 8 EVERYTHING YOU SAY ABOUT ME IS CONFIDENTIAL. BUT JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, I SCHEDULED MY RETRIBUTION FOR EVERY DAY OF THE FOLLOWING YEAR.DILBERT THE DATA CENTER 18 EVOLVING INTO ‘A “LIGHTS OUT” OPERATION. BY THE WAY, WHO CALLED THIS MEETING ‘AND WHO'S ON THE ‘SPEAKERPHONE? EMPLOYEES WILL NO LONGER BE ALLOWED IN THE DATA CENTER. WE HOPE TO ELIMINATE ‘ALL OF THE PROBLEMS THAT HUMANS CAUSE BY MOVING CABLES, UN— PLUGGING POWER CORDS, |? ‘AND RUINING EVERY— THING WITH THEIR DIRT AND STATIC. BY SCOTT ADAMS HE MAKES IT SOUND. AS IF THE DATA CENTER, 1S ALIVE AND WE HUMANS ARE NOTHING BUT GERMS. HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT |I SEE THAT YOURE TAKING THE OPPOSITE APPROACH. HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU? T. WOULD HAVE. MENTIONED IT SOONER, BUT I DONT LIKE TO DRAW ATTENTION TO MYSELF. ALL OF THE NUMBERS I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK ARE WRONG. rCartoonist@gmail.com 7-2ell_©2011 Scott Adame, IneI WAS GOING TO SAY “SUBORDINATE,” BUT NOW IT’S AWKWARD. AND THIS Is CAROL. SHE'S MY... COLLEAGUE? NO. ASSOCIATE? | No. | TEAMMATE? | ‘NO. Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com Tayi e201 Scott Adame, Ine.TED, I CAN'T GIVE YOU A RAISE BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN USING THE COMPANY GYM DURING WORK HOURS. Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com T WORK SIXTY HOURS. A WEEK! WHY DID WE BUILD A NEW GYM IF I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO USE IT??? 73071 e20H Scot Adame, IneDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS TM PREPARING FOR THE COMPLETE MELTDOWN OF OUR FINANCIAL SYSTEM, THAVE YOUR HOME ADDRESS, Devoe oe SOT I'VE GOT SIX MONTHS OF FOOD AND WATER, AND I NOTICED THAT YOUR PREPARATIONS ARE LIGHT ON DEFENSIVE, WEAPONRY. THAVE BATTERIES, FLASHLIGHTS, AND GOLD COINS. IM, PREPARED. TOO. CAN YOU ADD. SOME PROTEIN ‘BARS TO THE ‘SHOPPING LIST?THE GOAL OF OUR WE TAKE PRIDE IN ORGANIZATION IS TO BEING INDEPENDENT MAKE YOUR SECURITY FROM THE COMPANIES PROCEDURES SO e THAT FUND US. INCONVENIENT THAT YOU GIVE UP HOPE AND DOGBERT IS CHAIRING THE INTERNATIONAL DATA SECURITY STANDARDS GROUP. iGartoonist@gmall.com DIE FROM BED SORES. Dilbert.com_ DilAS YOU KNOW, THE EACH OF YOU HAS BEEN alc Rene CHOSEN TO REPRESENT NPA RE SH oa THE INTERESTS OF YOUR 12] guNct Gr MUTUALLY RESPECTIVE COMPANIES. 121 EXCLUSIVE PREFERENCES. IT HOPE I’ NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO JOINED THIS GROUP JUST FOR THE LAUGHS. ) 'B2) 20H Scot Adams, Ine oer by UnvealUlexTHE PEOPLE INMY GENERATION DO OUR WORK ON OUR PHONES: AND TABLETS. ARE YOU GETTING A LOT DONE ON THE GRANDPA BOX? by Uae Ok NINETIES NACTOOMmE Ses ) THEM KNOW. THE Ba. e200 Soot Adame, In Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmail.comEVERYTHING YOU SAID IS RIGHT, BUT T HAVE A REFLEXIVE URGE TO DISAGREE WITH YOU. IF YOU DON’T MIND, I’M GOING TO MAKE A RIDICULOUS COUNTER— POINT JUST TO GET IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM. SOFTWARE CAN'T BE CHANGED. t AHHH... THAT'S GOOD. Dilbert.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmall.com 'S:FIl @20H Seon Adam, Ine/Det by UmYOU SEEM TENSE. I SHOULD GIVE YOU THE NUMBER OF MY MASSAGE THERAPIST, “RUBBIN, ROBIN.” I DON’T YOURE HAVE AN DOINGIT ADDRESS AGAIN. BECAUSE HE WORKS OUT OF A RUSTY PETE, I'M GETTING COMPLAINTS THAT EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS CREEPY. Dilbert.com _ DilbertGartoonist@gmail.com 'G'51] ©20I1 Seat Adame, Ine Dat by Unval UsxOUR GOAL FOR THE COMING YEAR IS TO CONVINCE COMPANIES TO FILE ABSURDLY BROAD PATENTS AND SUE EACH OTHER FOR WELCOME TO THE MONTHLY MEETING OF “THE SOCIETY FOR THE PRESERVATION OF EVIL IDEAS.” BEATS ME. IM JUST HERE TO EMBEZZLE YOUR DUES. INFRINGING. une ‘B:b'll ©2011 Seok Adame, Ino Det by Unbwa Vae Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.comDILBERT HIRED THE DOGBERT PUBLIC RELATIONS FIRM, THEYRE PAYING A PUBLIC RELATIONS FIRM A FORTUNE TO STEER THE MEDIA, TOWARD DEFAMING YOUR COMPANY. HIS JOB 15 TO PERSUADE THE MEDIA TO WRITE NEGATIVE STORIES ABOUT OUR, COMPETITOR. WHO DID THEY HIRE TO DEFAME US? BY SCOTT ADAMS ASSURE YOU THAT ‘YOUR COMPETITOR IS DOING THE SAME THING TO YOU. PROBABLY SOMEONE AWESOME,WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE LESS WITH OTHER DEPARTMENTS. THE MORE THEY KNOW ABOUT US, THE MORE THEY CRITICIZE WHAT WE DO. IS THIS THAT, PART OF WAS THE YOUR LARGER LAST WAR ON THING KNOWLEDGE? ITLL EVER TELL YOU. rGartoonist@gmall.com 8-1 e201 Scot Adame, In. Dat by Urea Dilbert.com biSOMEONE WAS RAISED WITH TOO =| WATCH MUCH SELF— ME WALK! ESTEEM. WE'RE OUT OF TIME AND WE ACCOMPLISHED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, THANKS TO YOUR NON-STOP TALKING. WHEN DO I GET MY TROPHY FOR PARTICIPATING? Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com 'B-7 1) ©AOIl Seow Adame, neat by Unvweal UseI PLAN TO USE A QUART OF HAND SANITIZER WHEN IM DONE TOUCHING YOUR DOCUMENT. TM JUDGING THE QUALITY OF YOUR BUSINESS CASE BY YOUR BAD HAIRCUT AND YOUR POOR FONT CHOICE. T Owl's VALUE THAT SUBSTANCE WORKING OVER OUT? STYLE. Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmall.com ‘BOT 20H Seow Adame, Ineo by vol Vlok‘TION FOR MY HEDGE FUND, TLL SPLIT THE PROFIT WITH YOU. 8 3 : 5 g 3 3 E 8 z 5 3TLL DO THE INSIDER TRADING AND YOU PRETEND YOU CREATED AN ALGORITHM THAT MAKES WINNING TRADES. WHAT IF SURE. AND. TACTUALLY MAYBE CREATE THE YOU CAN ALGORITHM? EAT FIBER AND MAKE TLL PAY YOUA MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR TO WORK AT MY HEDGE FUND. i 3 ; ft i g i i Dilbert.com _bilbertGartoonist@gmall.comTHAT'S THE HOW'S THE DUMBEST LEARNING THING I'VE COMING EVER HEARD. ALONG? WE MUST EMBRACE OUR FAILURES AND LEARN FROM THEM. Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.comDILBERT CAN T WORK AT HOME FOR TUJO DAYS PER WEEK? WHY ELSE WOULD THE ‘COMPANY MAKE YOU COMMUTE FOR TWO HOURS A DAY JUST TO SIT INA TINY BOX? T.CAN BE TWICE AS PRODUCTIVE, AND HAPPIER AT THE SAME TIME. DON'T FEEL BAD: NO ONE TOLD ME EITHER. PROBABLY SHOULDN'T TELL You THIS. THAD To PIECE IT TOGETHER FROM THE EVIDENCE. NOW T DO MY PART TO KEEP THE EXPERIMENT MOVING BY SCOTT ADAMS BUT YOURE PART OF AN ELABORATE SCTENCE EXPERIMENT TO SEE HOU MUCH FRUS— TRATION IT TAKES TO KILL EMPLOYEES, PEOPLE | ARE YOU WORK || REFERRING From ||" To THE CONTROL, GROUP?I THINK WE JUST SOLVED THAT MYSTERY. WOW. THE GUY WHO WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT WROTE THIS DOESN'T PEOPLE BEHIND THEIR HAVE A CLUE HOW BACKS, IT MAKES ME SOFTWARE WORKS. WONDER WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT ME. 'B.[51] OUI] Soot Adame, Ine. bet. by Onan sekNOW TLL OPEN IT UP FOR COMMENTS. THIS IS THE BEST PLAN IN THE WORLD, AND ANYONE WHO DISAGREES IS AN IGNORANT NUISANCE. TD LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR SHORTENING | ANYONE? THIS MEETING. rCartoonist@gmail.com ANYONE? ‘SiGT) ©2011 Seok Adams, Ino. my Unis Vale Dilbert.com_biSHOULD WE ALWAYS IGNORE WHAT THE DATA SAYS, OR IS THIS MORE OF A ONE-TIME THING? THE SECOND OPTION FEELS RIGHT. LET'S GO WITH THAT. IT's IT'SA CALLED ‘SLIPPERY INTUITION. SLOPE TO | WITCH— CRAFT. Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com {S471 OBO Seon Adame, Ine. by Unwal UsxDID YOU SEE MY EMAIL OBJECTING TO YOUR PLAN? NO, BUT I SAW YOUR EMAIL OBJECTING TO WHAT T ASSUME IS YOUR HALLUCINATION OF MY PLAN. You HAVE WE SEEM NARROWED. DEFEN— DOWN THE ‘SIVE. PROBLEM TO ME? Dilbert.com_bilbertGartoonist@gmail.com ‘STH S20 Seow Adame, Ine oak by Vive UkI TRIED TO GET RID OF AN OLD COUCH BY CHEWING IT INTO TINY PIECES AND LEAVING ONE HANDFUL AT A TIME AT STARBUCKS. I LEARNED SHOULD NEVER TELL THAT STORY. DESCRIBE YOUR BIGGEST MISTAKE AND WHAT YOU LEARNED FROM IT. Dilbert.com _DilbertCartoonist@gmall.com ‘3200 S01 Seow Adame, Ine oak by Vive ekDILBERT BY SCOTT ADAMS TTS NEVER GOOD CALLER 1D 15 BLOCKED, : WHEN MY PHONE SOMEONE MUST KNOw A : a € g iS gq 3 SI 8 éAND BY THAT YOU MEAN YOURE BAD AT MATH AND YOU DON’T HAVE ANY ANALYTICAL SKILLS. ILIKE TO THINK OF 1s 1T MYSELF AS A CREATIVE PERMANENT? "07162011 Scot Adame, Ine Ei eval Ulck Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.comDILBERT [7 cnsenr. your JOB PERFORMANCE Is TERRIFIC. THAT'S CODE FOR “IM GOING TO FIRE SOME— ‘ONE ELSE AND MAKE YOU DO TWO JOBS.” Deere TEST SOT THIS MIGHT BE WE DONT THE WAKE-UP CALL THERE'S NO KNOW THAT! THAT SPURS HIM ON TO WAY TO PLEASE GREATNESS WHILE T ‘SOME PEOPLE. WORK MYSELF TO DEATH IN THIS CUBICLE. BY SCOTT ADAMS YES, BUT IT'S STILL BETTER TO BE YOU THAN THE GUY T™ GOING TO FIRE.woo'yewB@rsivooueguEgiG Woo Veda pws ake 3 Hae ge 2 £5 §8 3I TRIED TO READ IT BUT THE SIGNAL—TO—NOISE RATIO WAS TOO LOW. So IT'S SORT OF A TECH— NICAL PROBLEM? ‘YOU DIDN’T ANSWER MY EMAIL. rCartoonist@gmall.com i : i : . z Dilbert.com_biTHE HALLMARK OF GENIUS IS DOING THINGS IN A WAY THAT OTHER PEOPLE YOU SEE MY PROJECT AS UNFINISHED. I SEE IT AS AN UNEXPECTED USE OF TIME. CAN YOU SEE HOLJ AWESOME THAT IS? Dilbert.com _DilbertGartoonist@gmall.com E141 @20H Seat Adame, Ine a by Urvewal UeIVE DECIDED TO BECOME MORE AGGRESSIVE IN BLAMING OTHERS FOR MY LACK OF ‘SUCCESS. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO STAND HERE AND ARGUE WITH YOU ALL DAY! FOR EXAMPLE, YOURE KEEPING ME FROM WORKING RIGHT NOW. Dilbert.com _DilberiCartoonist@gmall.com 715-1 820 Scott Adame, Ine st by Ure Ulch