This Journal Belongs To

This journal belongs to:
Jordan
Soldier for Christ
Stacy
Foreword
On the Christmas of 2011 I got a leather journal from my
mother, not my first journal, but the first one I took
seriously; it provided a new medium for me to speak to God.
Up till now, today being the day before I leave for boot
camp, Nov. 16, 2014, I have laid out my soul on these pages,
every prayer, every spiritual revelation, and many life
experiences that taught me something. If I wasnt talking
to God or about the universe in general, I anticipated the
words I wrote reaching curious readers, and it shows in
my writing style.
The binding of the pages began loosening one day, but
luckily I fixed it with always-faithful duct tape. Then,
recently, I noticed a few ripped pages. I decided a more
resilient state for my journal to be in was digitally, and set
out to transcribe each entry onto my computer. I didnt
shy from any entry either, youll find a couple that say
dont read and of course that is just a recommendation,
but I am simply warning you of what youll find in that
entry. The only entries I didnt type from my journal were
ones that I felt lacked my true soulstate and may have
been thoughtless and simple mutterings. I also left out what
was almost impossible to type, for example, I tried to
create an original backwards writing language inspired
by an idol of mine, Leonardo DaVinci.
I hope you are able to relate with what you read, and
take a few lessons from my experiences. If you would
define your self as an intellectual, than I hope my
existential philosophies, and theories thoroughly stimulate.
Other wise, simply enjoy my story, though only covering a
few years in my life, it includes romance, action,
adventure, sci-fi, and poetry.
Dec. 26, 2011

Im excited to pour my heart out on these pages, in hope
that my heart will become my being as well, tied along
with my actions. I have high expectations for my life, big
dreams. Many ideas and goals fill my Bucket list. But
above all, I just want to fulfill the dream God has for me. I
have an idea for a book I want to write. Im going to search
up symbols and have an outline and everything. Im
excited! God guide me, bless me, forgive me, recreate me.
Dec. 28, 2011
My God,
Thank you so much for this home. I am so excited to
decorate and paint and refurbish it. I am so blessed and ask
for so much all the time. Forgive me for my impatience &
sometimes lack of faith.
God bless and strengthen Chris, Bethany & Jasmine. I
am going to my new school and have left them with a
dream. I carry the same dream with me and ask that you
would give my voice the same power as a lions roar. My
spirit craves you my God.
Strengthen me as I move my feet, guide my steps, light
the way. Help me to find strong willed companions in my
school, soldiers to stand with. All the areas I lack strength
in and faith in, help me with. I wanna be like Jesus.
P.S. - May you will be done in Henry!
Dec. 29, 2011

I need wisdom. There is conflict in my family and when
my dad isnt around I feel like the only person who can
truly help the situations. The try to shut me down and
dont listen. They see me as an inferior person.
But I try to speak the words you might. I try hard to be
like Jesus, it is especially hard to in my family for reasons I

dont know.
I ask for you God. I want your whole presence, all that
you are. And I wish my family would see you for
something greater than just a prayer-hearer or friend to
ask advice from. Im still trying to find out who you are.
What must we do to finally experience your promises and
be the family were suppose to be.
Dec. --, 2011
Break me down. Break my pride. Recreate me. I must be
humble. I must be selfless. I must be courageous. I must be
wise. I must be obedient. I must be the Soldier for Christ I
strive to be.
I have daydreams and images of a Jordan who could be
resembled to Moses, David, Abraham, and Jesus my Christ.
Where is this man? I must find him.
Dec. --, 2011
Oh! I praise you God. Im so anxious for my future, to
have such a close relationship with you. I seek your face
alone my father!
Dec. --, 2011
I am often thinking of what I would say if I stood up on
the tables of my lunch room. Its something that I am
captivated by; what would happen? Would anyone be
saved? Would I get food thrown at me? Haha.
Sometimes I think I dont need to stand on my
lunchroom tables, I think that all I need is to declare my
beliefs day to day, to everyone I speak with, whether they
believe or not.
I need to get over the fact that people arent going to like
me for my beliefs Jesus had many hate him and many love
him. If I just flow though my days in the Spirit, and stand
strong within myself, while begging our father to break my
heart the same as his does, many many will come to Christ.
Many will turn away. But Id rather have that than
nothing at all.
Right now I have many that love me, no-one really
hates me, but where is Christ in this. Christ is love, which I
display constantly, but hes also truth and to lots of people
the truth is too much.
Jehovah, I want to grab hold of everyone I meet along
my paths, I will reach out to them all, but when there is no
current hope for them, or maybe its a person Im not
equipped to help, strengthen me, teach me what to say,
because I fear of them further away from you!
My Father, protect me, guide me, use me. Allow me to
be all Im suppose to be to you, for you, and here on Earth.
I praise you, Jehovah-Nissi.
Jan. 6, 2012
Ive been dreaming a lot lately. About four dreams a
night, and I remember bits and pieces of them.
The other night I dreamed I was getting away from
someone who was chasing me. I would travel through the
air vents, which were randomly placed; some would be on
the ceiling (and these were only the entrance holes, not the
big bulky parts), some would be on the floor, others on the
walls. But thats all I remember.
I had another dream that same night where my church
was having a conference and a kid was being really
disruptive. My dad was a security guard for the
conference and he walked over to the kid and was
planning on grabbing him but ran after a different kid. I
was standing in the back of the room watching this. I

walked up to the kid who tried to get away and I grabbed
him like a hug. He said look what I got bud. I looked down
and saw a daedric knife from the video game ESO5: Skyrim.
It was in his right hand. He tried getting out of my grasp
but I fought back. We wrestled for a bit until he wound up
with the back of my right arm around his neck and the
back of my left arm around his knees. I was holding him
sideways with his back on my stomach. Then I woke and
found I was holding my blanket the same way.
Last night I had one dream where I was on a mission to
kill a griffin which lived on top of a castle. I went through
the castle and found the griffin flying around. There was a
beautiful, red haired girl on the huge stone castle-like
balcony. Next to her appeared a person who tried killing
me but I shot an arrow in his head as he was running
towards me, he died. I carefully knelt down and searched
his body, keeping a wary eye on the woman. I was scared of
her for some reason and as I was searching she slowly and
calmly walked towards me. I bolted upright and jumped
back away from her. There was another dead body to my
right that I didnt notice before, and as I went towards it to
search it for more arrows I noticed the woman still coming
towards me, so I shot an arrow right in her forehead.
Nothing happened. I went ahead and knelt down to search
the body. (Im not going to hide this part from my journal)
She came right next to me and before looking up I saw her
bare feet and soft legs, slowly my sight rose and I saw her
white skirt and green top. I reached to touch her leg and
slowly felt up to the break of her skirt. The next few seconds
I cant remember but the next thing I did remember was
we wound up laying down on the stone floor next to each
other. Her left leg was up on my thigh. We were facing
each other. I felt all her leg and up her skirt, all of her was
soft and smooth. It was exhilarating, (I know I struggle
with lust). I dont know if I killed the griffin or what but
next thing I knew I was outside of the castle.
The next dream I had, I was at my uncle Andrews
house which was a swamp-pond-weird thing (He doesnt
really have a house). I went into his room and looked
through his video games. He was in the other room but
walked in eventually and was a little irritated I touched
his stuff.
This dream was really annoying cause I couldnt
remember a lot of it. But once I was out of his house it was
really dark and creepy I walked around a lot, and I think I
was searching for something. It seems Im always
searching for something in my dreams.
Anyways, thats all I remember from all my dreams the
past few nights. I pray that God would have me see a
dream of his origin. A dream with purpose and meaning,
maybe even prophetic.
Father I ask that my visions and dreams would increase
and that you bless me with the gift of prophecy. I love you.
Amen.
Jan. 22, 2012
I feel like I dont know who Im writing to. Lately, Ive
felt like I lost you. Bring me back to you. Right now Im
struggling, my faith in you is dwindling. But I put the rest
of what I have of it in this being a learning trial. I am far
from you but hope you would bring me back stronger,
teach me something in this time. Shape me, re-create me. I
want you, and love you.
Yo, everybody back up, Im standin up.

This just aint enough.
Im comin back for more. Everybody hear my roar,
And rise with me.
Fight with me, D-I-E.
Everyday for the shining King.
Cause he cried for years, shed those tears.
He bled for fear, hed lose his dear.
His lovely you, his child.
He knows youre wild.
He knows your smile.
He knows your heart
Knows your pain.
Hes calling you to embark on his ship.
In the midst of these crashing waves.
I know its tough, In this world,
With all this hate.
But no matter what you do, he loves you all the while.
Jan. 28, 2012
I feel as if I cant trust anything Im being told. Im
believing the Bible was wrote by men, yet for a divine
reason, and that excuses any contradictions that seem to
be there. Either that or i just dont understand the Bible at
all. Im starting to believe that being slain in the spirit is
just a psychological trick of the mind, as well as many
other things like petty healings and stuff like that. I feel
like Im on the verge of creating a new philosophy or a new
religion (if you will), a new idea or belief on who God really
is. But Im still open to great things, I am still, strangely,
hoping that these great miracles I hear of are real and I
will really see it. I want to see the lame walk, the blind see.
I still wish to see Gods greatness alone. But I constantly
fear that for my lack of faith, I would go to hell. Or that

because I chose to believe in Yahweh that if one of the other
religions are the true one I would go to their hell. I dont
wish to feed my lack of faith but things keep making me
question it.
The God whom Ive chosen to follow and whom I call
Father, help me. I fear I am being attacked, very
productively, by the Devil, Lucifer. I choose to put faith in
that would tell me or show me who you really are. I want
to know you, not the bible, not pastors, not mere symbols.
Like Moses, I strive to see your face and have a personal
relationship with you. Please send me this dream.
Amen.
Feb. 2, 2012
Oh Father. This is tough. Im still struggling and ask
(more like beg!) that you would not let me fall too far. I
dont want to lose you. Please allow me to be the China
ware, used for those special occasions. I must got to be
corrupted, or at least you want me to be close to like Christ.
I really would like to be of use now, but understand if Ive
got to be beaten down, I feel like Ill be able to endure it. For
now I keep turned to you, its really satisfying knowing
youre the only thing I want.
I really hate hearing my friends be so content with
saying theyre going to hell. I really need to start speaking
up but most of the time have no clue what to say, or
sometimes I feel its the wrong time or something.
I dont want to be like Judas. If there are any flaws in
me you dont approve of, show me and help me. I need you.
Allow me to dream mighty dreams and see visions. Help
me to increase my gifts. Give me opportunities to heal, and
to help the church with visions, and to see people for who
they really are to help them.

Ive got to see you as my banner of victory,
Jehovah-Nissi.
Feb. --, 2012
New Book Idea:

Project: Eden
Year is past 2020. Two moms are given money to donate
their children; or two scientist women become pregnant
for experiment. The family that the children come from
cant have any hereditary faults, flaws, or qualities that
decrease survival rates. When born, the children (one boy,
one girl) are kept in a building and held separate from the
world, and separate from each other. They arent taught
anything (language, body functions, social skills). They are
provided with food at the least. Once signs of reproductive
ability shows at the start of puberty, they are put together
on an island with plenty of food sources. The island is
barren of any lethal animals or plants. At least until they
become more cautious and wary of remaining harmful
things, i.e. thorns, poison oak. There are cameras
surrounding the island as the scientists take notes and
record data.
Mar. 1, 2012
Im not receiving any dreams, no visions, no miracles,
no hopeful petty miracles, not yet at least. Seriously, what
do I have to do. If Jehovah, Yahweh, Lord, is the true God,
then why arent those things happening. I know Ill be
persecuted, or at least judged, or theyll just be
disappointed and blame me for my lack of faith. My faith
is dwindling, is that a crime? Why cant people understand,
why cant someone give me helpful advice, instead of
desperate advice.
The world is such a curious place. Too curious! I dont
like to believe that everyone would lie to support
something suppose to be so pure. Why are there these crazy
stories of magical healings and representations of God,
even in my own church a girl got healed from almost
complete blindness in her right eye from a baseball
accident. And these stories of falling gems and floating
feathers, and the golden dust in the air. Why does
evolution have so much compelling evidence? Why does the
Bible have this such divine knowledge? Why are there so
many religions all based off the same idea; be the most
successful, most adored, most honored, most humble, most
kind, most intelligent person that you can be. The Bible
brings the best out of me and makes me feel so good when I
believe in God and put all my hope in him. Ive made some
amazing friends, so loyal, kind, cheerful. These are not
condemning people. There are things floating in my mind
that Im afraid will cause me to go to hell. I feel like Ill lose
my salvation. Why is it I cant just choose one and stick
with it? I think its because I have a fear of making the
wrong mistake or choice. I wonder if theres a specific word
for that. I dont want to put my hope in something so
glorious and so big and so amazing, and then be let down. I
dont want to believe in evolution and all that science stuff
and then the rapture happen and me miss it. Or i die, all
my personal dreams fulfilled and go to hell. Im about to
ask a question... And its a scary question when it comes to
God. Before I write it down though or settle on it. Im going
to fast and study the Bible as much as I can in hopes of a
miracle, no time limit, no stress, just meditation.
Yahweh, if you are the God Im hoping you to be (which
is a God I cant comprehend but is still a father and a
reality) then please see this sacrifice and show me who you
are, a miracle, youre voice, a sign, something this
ridiculous logistic mind cant comprehend and allows me
to drop it and fail straight into faith.
Amen.
Mar. 2, 2012
I feel like Leonardo DaVinci. I fear also, like him, Ill
never be truly satisfied with my life. What do I want in life,
the main thing? Dang... That is a hard answer. What is my
destiny? You know what a word is for someone who asks
too many questions, Pochemuchka, Its Somalian or
something. Sometimes I think I am a pochemuchka.
Today was Merindas birthday, the cake was good, the
party was good.
I love holidays and cant wait to celebrate my 17th
birthday.
Mar. 8, 2012
This world is a beautiful place, its so mysterious. Theres
so much that doesnt make sense, theres so much it has to
offer, but can this world bring me peace, can it show me my
destiny?
Im so stressed out, I need to find peace, I need to cry, or
SCREAM. I used to be a man lead by my heart and spirit,
but now my mind has jumped up and replaced them. I
dont want that though, I wish to be lead by emotional
impulse. I pray to you God, that you would re-connect me
with my emotions. Help me with my faith, help me to
re-new it and strengthen in.
Lord, I want you. I ask, only you, and put my faith and
hope, only in you, to teach me in this seemingly ironic,
God-forsaken trial (ironic because there is no place
God-forsaken, he is omnipresent). Bring me back to you.

With you, in your arms, is the only place i find what I want
and need. Please glorify me, so that I may glorify you.
Mar. 13, 2012
Today I feel really good, I got my haircut, its lookin
good, I went to a barbecue, it was a nice day, and I just
felt... myself. I really pray that I could get back into this
place of worship and sharing the good news without
hesitation.
I was slain in the spirit Sunday. It worked, but Im
still skeptical about it. I wish, though, that I didnt care, or
that I didnt think these skeptic thoughts. Its gotta be
Satan, cause these thoughts came out of nowhere, and were
extremely attractive.
Lord please shield me so that I may be repaired, and
lead me, Ill try hard to hear and obey to whatever you say.
I wish I could hear your real voice, I would love that
beyond my love-limit.
Mar. --, 2012
New book idea:

Story told by bad guy. Hes old and telling of the
tragedy of his old enemy, the hero, and his demise. In his
old age he has an epiphany. He honors the hero now, and
feels obligated to tell his story. Its based off of something I
heard; The survivors write in the history books. except
the survivor decides to tell the truth about how everything
went down.
Mar. 27, 2012
I havent slept well the past two nights, I keep waking up

around three or four-o-clock. When I wake up I feel guilty
or nervous about something like I still had feelings from
my dreams.
I wish I could have a Lucid Dream. Thatd be awesome.
Theres a bunch of different methods to having one happen.
But I dont want to do any weird rituals and the such.
Dreams are amazing, they are a key to unlocking the most
mysterious things about yourself, I believe. I might like to
learn how to read dreams. I find myself as a very complex
man. Its frustrating, yet exciting.
I have this sixth sense, or a weird supernatural ability,
or perhaps its a mutant superpower. But I have visions of
the future in my sleep. I dream of random events that last
only a few seconds, more or less. I dont remember the
vision until I realize Im re-experiencing the event. The
same way that you can feel how long ago a memory was, or
a dream you dreamed, I can tell how long ago I had the
vision. More then once I remember experiencing the event
the night before, leading me to understand that I have
these visions in my sleep. I havent experienced or learned
anything to contradict this knowledge yet.
These visions are proof that theres more in this world
than evolution and matter and just the simple things that
atheists think this world contains. Theres got to be this
spiritual side to human beings, either that or our mind can
do more than just the simple things we think they can do.
Ive met multiple people that have experienced this
same thing. Ill confess to people about my visions and some
will excitedly say That happens to me too! Others dont
believe me, or at least dont relate.
In the world of Christianity, I see this ability as a
preface, or foreshadow, to being able to prophecy for the
church. And I would guess more people have this

possibility than people think.
Apr. 2, 2012
It seems most teenagers dont take these adolescent
years and use them for what theyre suppose to be used for;
finding yourself. I, though, am using this time and am
desperate to find my true self. Its a little evident in this
journal as I often change my handwriting, I didnt used to
curl the tails of my gs and ys, I change my signature, my
favorite color, Im just seeking for myself.
Something teenagers often just dont understand is that
if you work now, you can have pleasure, or play truly
joyfully, for the remainder of your lifetime. Currently, Im
focusing on my education, and on obtaining patience to
find my perfect woman, and on becoming wealthy and
having financial peace. Pretty much, Im taking the
precautions needed to have what I truly desire. Where as
most all the teenagers around me are seeking pleasure now,
and are going to have to work the rest of their life to pay
off the debt. This is evident w/ my family, my mom and
dad are in boatloads of debt cause they wanted to have fun
and party early on. It seems the man who wrote Genesis
and Exodus in the Bible knew what they were talking
about when they said You must work six days and rest on
the seventh.
The difference between me and that party-er guy, the
main difference, is that after working, in my time of
relaxation, either playing gold every Saturday with no
worry or shopping for a new flat screen T.V. with no
hesitation; I will have the right to stand proud, knowing I
deserve what Ive worked for, and those who party now
will live the rest of their life in regret, working to pay off
their debt.
And I dont have a stick up my ass. I love to laugh and
have fun and celebrate life. I tend to find myself more in
those moments where I cant stop smiling. But I think its
foolish to let yourself go.
I pray that my mindset and hard-work pays off.
Apr. --, 2012
Invention Ideas:
TextTab - Tablets for school, digital textbooks
Wake With a Whiff Alarm Clock - Alarm clock that
wakes you up with the smell of your favorite breakfast
food.
Airpad - Portable Computer that opens in mid air with
the assist of special gloves. Usable anywhere.
Apr. 12, 2012

I saw Nahshon last night at church (I think I spelled his
name wrong). He and I seem to be on the same mental level,
I personally think his intelligence surpasses mine, but we
study and focus on the same topic. We always seem to find
a way to make science and Christianity co-operate with
each other. He explained to me last night that scientists
discovered the very root of all matter and things in the
universe is light. He explained that scientists are finally on
the same page as Christians. God said Let there be light!
Forgive me, but I think arrogant Christians are
annoying, I dont hate them, I understand theyre only
human, but Christians who completely deny evolution are
those type of people. Too arrogant of me to say. Evolution
and its processes are evident in bacteria and how we make
new medications, stronger medications as they evolve and
fight it.
I honestly think theres more to God then the bible and

Christianity says. And I think some of the things the bible
says isnt true about him.
This stuff drives me insane. Im getting farther and
farther away from what I used to know, what I used to be
so happy with. Theres nothing I can do now, so Im leaving
it all up to God, if he is able to bring me back.
Anyways, Im trying to find peace. I seem to find it in
simple things (obviously).
Theres a lot of things jumbled in my head right now. So
I dont know what else to write about.
Apr. 16, 2012
The human mind is amazing. So complex. Its amazing
what we can create from our feelings and thoughts; art,
music, fighting styles, sports, etc.
I wonder how humans are different from animals,
mentally, like when it comes to emotions and thinking. It
seems the only things that cross their mind are simple
emotions, which in that instant effect their actions and
reactions. Our emotions are more complex.
Apr. 19, 2012
Im applying for a whole bunch of jobs. First GameStop. I
have an interview with them next Thursday at 3:30
I need some money, and to be a sixteen year old
teenager working at GameStop, that would be awesome.
I plan on being so financially set, I want to get a loft, or
like a studio apartment. Thatd be awesome. Ill have one
wall covered in instruments, another with art, and one
with a computer and a whole bunch of Rosetta stones,
graphic design books, and video games.
Apr. 24, 2012
Dang! This life is jacked up. So many people, so many

stories, so many destinies. I, personally, want to be
somebody, somebody big. I dont have to be well known, but
just a strong positive influence to the ones that do know me.
I need to be wise, patient, kind, gentle, good. But also
strong-willed, courageous, rebellious, and dream-filled.
These, and a few more, are the qualities that define a true
human being.
People walk around my school so full of pride and
arrogance, and yet i see weakness and something broken
within. Their backgrounds, what theyve been through,
mixed in with their personalities, and maybe another
factor, have created who they are. And something I cant
help but to ask is; Is this their destiny? It cant be, no man
had to have been meant to live a boring life, or a life simply
undesirable. You know what I desire, to meet a human that
is sane. Someone to balance me out, give me peace, grant
me rest, and rescue me. I desire to reveal to man the truth
that they hide from, they lie to themselves, hide from
themselves. I desire to find peace for myself and for the rest
of mankind.
Yet, there is something I dont understand, something
that few men have even caught just an idea of, and maybe
less, who have truly seen.
Its all strange. Biblically, man is meant to be like God.
Men have created life, (yes, only single celled organisms),
out of non-living things, like God did, he formed us from
clay (or however truly he did so). Man has taken the role of
judge, who shall die, who shall live, whos innocent, whos
guilty. Man has found things of some sort of Godly creation.
No, too confusing. The stars, the universe, physics, math,
these are godly things, Christians fear these things will
take them from their faith, but if they were to embrace
them then they would see even more how beautiful God is.
People are always complaining that we shouldnt play
God. But what baffles me is the fact that were able to play
God in the first place. And we seem to take it pretty
seriously too, scientists arent playing around with the
things they study, but instead, like patient, curious
children, we treat this stuff like children would when they
are in awe of something so wondrous.
Man, I believe, is meant to be God, at least for ourselves.
God has set before us this land, so many are wasting away,
they need to grab hold of the rivers of life that flow through
this world. But I also know, its tough. You have to look
hard, because its hard to see life when the dead keep
bumping into you. Their rotten breath speaks to you more
than their voice. It tells you, Smell, see, hear what truly
lies with me. What do I do, how do I wake the dead, God.
God... Restore in me what needs to be there, leave out the
rest, and place in me, newly, everything that must define
who Im meant to be and my destiny. Reveal to me things
most dont see or ignore. I believe you are more than the
Bible, it seems to limit you.
Lead me to do the things Im meant to do. I wish to
redeem my friends. I cant lose hope in mankind. Help me
with the ones I notice as the most lost. Ahh! Scratch that.
Forget who, just teach me how and what. Give me my voice
back, my heart, my emotions, teach me, push me, lead me
and let my actions, my spirit, my being, speak wherever
and whenever. Im on that mental breakthrough Ive been
waiting for. But I cant write much longer, so Ill jot down
the notes.
Bible limits God - more
Mind and heart be one
Lost faith in mankind, animals and plants reliable
May 15, 2012
0 Dimension = point
1st Dimension = line points on points
nd
2 Dimension= or a split shape lines on lines
3rd Dimension = or fold depth shapes on shapes
4th Dimension= time depths on depths
5th Dimension = Cause & Effect
6th Dimension = time travel
th
7 Dimension = infinite possibilities
th
8 Dimension = other infinities
9th Dimension = traveling between dimensions
10th Dimension= infinite infinities
th
God
other possibility
(maybe Christianity)
Big Bang
God
We see God in 10th Dimension. He sees

Himself in ____ Dimension. He sees us in
4th Dimension (predestination). We see
Ourselves in 5th Dimension.
Christian God (theoretically the same as Big Bang God)
travels over to Big Bang Dimension. He is still intact,
while Big Bang God caused the Big Bang (blew himself up).
Same God but different dimensions.
Jun. 10, 2012

I havent written in this thing in a while, but schools
over. Its been over for two-and-a-half weeks too. After this
summer I will start my Junior year. Ive got some plans for
this summer; I want to improve my hand writing and I
hope the progress will be visible in this journal. I also want
to learn to do a back-flip. Some ideas I have will be written
in her and itll be filled with more writings, starting with
this:
Schizophrenia
Based off of my belief and knowledge of the concept of
the 10th Dimension, Ive come to the conclusion that
schizophrenia isnt a disorder, but a gift or exceleration. It
may be possible that everything you hear in the world is
real, but you can only experience its reality once you
doubtlessly believe it exists. People with this condition
might have the ability to see some of the things that are
there but others dont want to see or just cant see.
I wonder if its possible for an animal to achieve the
same level of consciousness or awareness that were at.
Theres a certain species of monkey that is close. They
apparently think a lot, they have been observed to sit and
ponder.
Jun. 18, 2012
Towards the end of 2011, when I was still going to
Shawnee Mission North. I had a teacher by the name of Mr.
Rose who had my class write our answer to his question:
Should people be held against their will? Why? Our class
discussed that some people should if they cause harm or
trouble to society. One kid said we shouldnt, that we should
let everyone do whatever they want. Mr. Rose said, So,

pretty much youre saying that we should go back to the
way it used to be, with survival of the fittest. Everyone
nodded and agreed and the discussion was over. After
some time of thinking I came to the conclusion that the
society we live in is a survival of the fittest society. I
believe that if we did revert to living without a
government, living like the animals do, eventually we
would grow back to the way we live now. The fittest
werent just strong, or genetically attractive, but they
realized that to survive they need to work together,
develop a system, and share this survival system. If we
were to get rid of government, we would just develop
another one in time.
1,000 Candles
Slow and peaceful each step speaks,
As I glide into the candle shop.
Its alive with energy as each flame peaks,
In and out of its wax cradle spot.
Jul. 6, 2012
Though its strange every candles lit,

It seems safe enough.
For none of the flames are hot, nor any hid,
Even if a big wolf huffed and puffed.
It makes me nervous though, they all seem so frantic,
Screaming for me to take them.
But one catches my eye with a gentle flick,
Then sits quiet and patient.
So still and humble, it sits waiting,
And as small as my big toe.

I pick it up with its silver casing,
Studying it intent and close.
Not a breath of mine could make it run,
Nor when pinched did it scorch me.
Unique in every way is this little kiss of sun,
So pure in all of its serenity.
So I throw some change to the guy in charge,
And exit out the door.
This magical piece of peace is mine.
Jul. 11, 2012
Mythology
Christianity
Hinduism
Egyptian
God
Sikhism
Atheism
Scientology
Buddhism
Each religion sees God from a different perspective, like

he has different faces and each see a different face. Its
difficult to see other religions perspectives, or faces of God
(Note the bold lines in the diagram). But as we grow closer
to God we begin to be able to see the other perspectives.
I have obviously been traveling down the christian

path, but believe I am far along enough now to be outside of
a section, and am now capable of seeing all the other
perspectives. In other words, and at the risk of sounding
arrogant, I believe I can see God for he really is, but of
course I can not see ALL of who he really is.
I discussed this with a buddy of mine, Nahshon, and he
is a devout christian, so he agreed, but with an expected
bias towards Christianity, saying that theres obviously
something different with Christianity and Jesus Christ
himself. I thought of my experience being a Christian too
and agreed to an extent.
I came to the conclusion that Christ may exist in every
section, but with a different name and different face, not a
physical face; a conceptual face. I see Christ as a spiritual
sheet that, once dawned, helps us grow closer to God and
perceive all of his faces. This sheet can be worn by anyone,
though they wont call it the Spirit of Christ, they might
call it something else, and see it as something else or may
not see it as anything. This spirit does the same thing to all
the people who embrace it, no matter what they call it.
They develop a sort of understanding of the universe that
accelerates their progression towards God, and outside of
the bold lines.
Jul. 15, 2012
Antioch Church Sermon

There are no Great People in life, there are only
Ordinary People committed to Great Causes.
Every breath is a gift, for you are not promised your
next. Your life may end any second. Make a name for
yourself now!
Tell the truth. Keep your word. Practice what you say
you believe.
There are flaws in us that we cant change. There are
those that we can. We may be able to be perfect, but those
flaws that are a part of us will fit within the perfection.
Lately Ive been thinking about my death a lot. I think of

what a waste it would be for my mind and its ideas and
beliefs to, in one moment, be of no more. I apologize for any
sense of arrogance in what I just said, but we should be
aware of all the things we have. All humanity is great, and
they have the right to acknowledge their greatness.
Im glad I have this journal, so that my mind can be
preserved in some other way besides word of mouth. But
honestly, I dont want to be hit by a car any time soon.
I pray to God that Fate doesnt have any plans to have
me meet my demise before Im 80.
Jul. 16, 2012
Im going to train myself to be more organized. It seems
those mentally advanced in some areas, lack in others. I,
for instance, am an outside-the-box thinker and lack in
common sense and the acknowledgment of simple things.
But I want to fix that. So Im going to make a list of things
to do, instead of just thinking of what i want to do.
I also plan to, if whenever i think of stuff I want to do, to

instantly write it down and get on it.
Quit thinking of what youre going to do, and start
thinking of what youve done. If an idea comes to you, get
on it, dont bet on it.
-Jordan Stacy
So this journal hasnt been filled day-to-day with what
happens to me. Its mostly been a use of getting closer to
solidifying some of my dreams and understanding myself
and this world.
Because of this I have failed to mention that there is a
special girl in my life now. Her name is Courtney Mendez
and she is amazing. She is very beautiful, inside and out.
Shes a gentle spirit, very kind and caring. And yet very
tough, she boxes and does automotive work with her dad.
Very often Im afraid shes too good for me. Apparently
she doesnt think so at all though because she is always
telling me how Im perfect for her.
We have been talking for a couple months I think and
have been on one date. This next Wednesday though we
have another date. We would be together more often,
except for the fact that I live too far from her and dont
drive. My parents are tight on gas and money all the time.
Through out talking though, we have come to know each
pretty darn well. Well enough that I realized i love her,
and last night on the phone I told her for the first time. She
was asleep, but the next day she told me she loved me too.
We talk each other to sleep on the phone almost every
night. We have talked about our future and its apparent
that we plan on being together for a very long time...
The heart is powerful, it blinds you at times, which,
depending on the situation is either a blessing or a curse.

Be careful when blindly falling in love.
Sunshine and cloudy skies.

In any storm of any form.
Baby, you will be my light,
And always shine bright.
Like the beauty in nature itself.
Jul. 19, 2012
Aug. 14, 2012

I havent written in a week or more, but I moved in with
my mom and have transferred to another school (again).
My classes are O.K., I have sociology, writers workshop,
intro to studio arts, physics, and international relations.
Along with my core classes.
I live with my grandmother, along with my mother. Its
great, I love the house and the family.
Aug. 16, 2012
Ive said that I need someone to balance me, and I think
I have that. Shes very relaxed and down-to-Earth, kind of
the opposite of me. She chills me out and makes me forget
about the world and all of the issues and junk. Thats
probably why I havent written in my journal the past few
weeks, Ive been distracted. I love how she mellows me out,
but I miss my craziness. I need to find a way to balance
myself, Courtney helps, but I need to figure out how to be
crazy and sane simultaneously, instead of switching back
and forth.
I realize that I crave perfection. I want my life to be the
best it can be. That is HARD work though, I love how
Courtney distracts me from these worries sometimes.
Aug. --, 2012

My interests are vast. I see that some of the things I
want to do could make a difference for the entire race of
mankind over time. Others could make an immediate
impact. It seems though everything I want to do could
matter. I just want to fulfill Gods every desire for my life.
Im adapting to the people around me, for the worse. Im
taking on some of their habits and personalities. Im like a
social sponge. I have to return to myself. Jesus help me see
clearer, help me hear you better. You are my model.
Aug. 23, 2012
I love movies, and music, and art. It all inspires me so
much. We finished watching Freedom Writers in my
writers workshop class today. I was on the verge of tears
three or four times during the movie. I walked out of the
classroom and felt like I could change the world. Why cant
I remain inspired and furious. Movies and music move me.
It activates all my emotions, and strong, they surface so
clearly, and I feel like myself. The fog in my mind fades
away for a few moments... then returns.
I hate it. I wish my emotions were stronger. I wish I
could be led by my heart and mind equally. Finding this
balance I desire is difficult, extremely. Im only sixteen
now though, I have time.
I need to chillax. Not forget, but just chillax. I dont
want to be distracted when Im having fun and simply
sitting. In the Bible the Lord says, Be still and know that I
am God. This is perfect, exactly what I need to do. Savor
every moment. Be in the now. Quit worrying about the
future. When opportunity comes, take action. Live off of
impulse. This is the man I want to be. Its strange though,
saying how I want to be. Why cant I just be it. Who am I

really, truly and deeply? At the hidden center of my heart?
Is my true self unsatisfactory? My mind is crazy. I must
relax, thats harder than it sounds though. Its stupid, Just
do it, Jordan!
Take a deep breath, reflect, meditate, keep your eyes
open, be still, listen, feel, and know that I am God.
Be enveloped young Sun,

As this prismic atmosphere
Bursts in a quick flash,
A minuscule supernova,
Of a wide range of flavors.
Blinded momentarily,
Though in the white canvas
This sight is engraved.
Whispers at first, this,
Then heard through the universe,
The howls of her children;
Luna peeks.
In her wedding gown,
Leaps to her call.
One foot in front of the other
With rhythm and grace.
The Husband awaits with patience.
A smile chiseled, in the bride,
From the stones of the heavens.
----, 2012
Mystery comes after,

Privacy found by these celestial mates,
For then all that remains
Is glitter scattered above me.
----, 2012
Dear Jordan,
I know Ive made a big mistake trying to be your friend. I was
just overwhelmed trying to make everyone else happy. Im
extremely sorry for not thinking about my own happiness, and I
know that sounds selfish until you know that youre my happiness. I
realized that you have my heart and I also realized that I dont
want it back. The only thing I want back is you. I told you I love you
and that will never be past tense, unless of course you decide that,
but to be honest I wouldnt understand if you did. Youre the only
guy Ive trusted. Youre the only guy I ever want to be with. The
main reason I broke up with you or wanted to just be friends is
because you werent around everyday and I had no comfort or love,
but baby youre the best kind of love and I know you think we were
fooling ourselves but I cant believe that. No body has ever hurt
me and I gave you that power and its one of the greatest things
Ive ever done. I miss you Jordan. Youre all I ever think about,
everything comes down to you. I hope you can love me but if you
wanna walk away that is your decision and I cant stop you.
Love with all my heart.
-Courtney
She cheated on me, in a way. I of course missed her, I
read this and soon after took her back. I learned to not be
so passive in love.
----, 2012
Im sorry if my lovey-dovey-ness is getting annoying.
But i miss her. Im so afraid she doesnt love me anymore. I
want her back, its been weeks. I miss calling her my

sunshine, my baby, my love. I miss kissing her. I miss
holding her. I miss making her smile. I miss having
someone to love. I miss saying goodnight, I miss saying
good morning.
But now its all awkward. I cant say anything. I cant
do anything. I really hope she realizes how much I need her,
I hope she remembers all the good times weve had. Once
homecomings over, I hope to have her back. I hope she
wants me back. She said I havent lost her, and those words
seem to be the only thing helping me. I said i would be fine
in life as long as she was still with me either as a friend or
more. But I was just saying that, i need her as a lover.
Every good memory skips by and I know that each one
meant more than most of the memories in my life. They
werent just moments and this relationship couldnt have
just been a learning experience. I believe I make my
destiny, and I want her to be it.
Love is great, but can easily be destroyed, its fragile.
Here I talk about all the good memories, but now I cant
remember some of them. It was fun, loving her, there were
good times, great times. In reality, she either would have
pulled me back from my potential or I would have pulled
her from her faith. Neither is good.
Oct. 29, 2012
I didnt write down the date for the last entry I had in
this thing but I know its been awhile.
I feel distraught. I have recognized lately the reality of
my procrastination. Im letting my grades slip. And i have
a job now. I work at PizzaHut. Im trying to make time for
Courtney too. Its stressing me out a little. But I need to
take control and get everything organized. I know whatll
help... I need to have a goal, something to do in my free

time. Once one goal is accomplished, move onto the next.
And about my love, Courtney. I keep having bad
thoughts. I keep thinking that shes halting me from my
dreams. But its just me. I feel like were starting to get
bored with each other. And she is a very broken spirit
thats very needy. I wish I could give her everything she
needs. And she gets upset real easily. I just want to pray
with her, I need to speak to her soul and try and heal her,
and realize what she is to me and quit thinking like a child
and thinking of breaking apart and stuff. I want to tie our
spirits together, tie them tight.
I hate this pencil, Im tired of writing now. God... Help
me! And Baby... I love you!
Im changing, for the worse. I need to go back. I need to
find myself. I need to get rid of this waste in me, these
qualities that dont belong, these demons that are just
leeching off of me. I think Im in a bad mood this morning
because I keep feeling the urge to angrily do this...
[angry scratches and scribbles]
That feels better...
Im going to meditate now and relax.
More Book Ideas

Denver Fowel/Rooster
Ex-dealer/ gang-member
Layered story/ plot-twists on plot-twists
Stem-cell Research
Immortal children
Some of the children become corrupt.
----, 2012
---, 2012
I dont have a sociology notebook so Im taking these
notes in my journal.
Functions of Religion
1. Provides a purpose for life
2. Gives emotional comfort
3. A family is provided, social solidarity
4. Guidelines for everyday life/ Moral compass
5. Social control
6. Adaptation
7. Support for government
8. Social change
----, 2012
Boom!!! I declare that I have ambition! I heard

something about a psychic trick called Affirmations,
which is where you either write something over and over
again for hours a day for a few days in a row and then it
comes true. Either that or you meditate and repeat
something to yourself over and over and then it comes true.
Now, I dont know why this is. Maybe the universe is under
our minds control as long as we truly believe in what were
trying to change. Or maybe we just start to notice things
and are aware of things more and its just coincidence.
Bottom line, I want to try it, Im just afraid of being
hypnotized. Arent i already hypnotized though. Didnt
my experiences shape my mind to be who i am now. You
could morally support and oppose affirmations in so many
different ways. But next time I write in this thing thats
what Im doing.
AFFIRMATIONS!
I am ambitious. I am ambitious. I am ambitious. I am
ambitious. I am ambitious. I am ambitious. I am ambitious.

That was a lot. But not enough. Ill have to do more
trials over the next few days.

Something else Ive been wanting to do is practice to
become ambidextrous. Here we go!!
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTuVWXYZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ
KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
----, 2012
I hate myself... Why the fuck do i doubt me and
Courtney. My love. She doesnt doubt, she loves me so much,
I dont deserve her, I knew it, as I lose things she gives me, it
seems I lose bits of my connection to her at the same time, I
lost the first symbol of our love that she gave me, a bracelet
that said taken on it, and I lost one of the other bracelets
she gave me. If I lost the stuffed animals she gave me, Im
going to lose myself, a lot of myself. I need to figure out how
to get the connection back. I need to figure how to get these
doubts to quit.
Nov. 15, 2012
Dont Read
Oh God. Lust is a beautiful, dangerous emotion. My love
was at my house last night and we had recently made on

agreement to resist our lust until the right moment. But
last night I let my lust take control and when I picked her
up at her house I went inside and no one else was home, so
I took her down to her room and stripped off her shirt and
starting kissing her, I said that I wanted to initiate our
agreement with one last moment. I had been pretty lustful
the past couple days and I guess did it selfishly, but she got
nervous and after a few minutes she put her shirt back on
and wanted to stop. I was happy strangely though and I
guess I subconsciously wanted her to say no or something.
Later we went to my house and while playing on the
computer she was sitting on my lap and started gyrating, I
guess she changed her mind. We went downstairs to my
basement and started making out. I began to tempt her,
pulling back and making her want me as bad as I wanted
her, I restrained her from reaching me and touching me. I
then took off her shirt, detached her bra, and roughly loved
her entire torso, kissing and touching. I let her go and we
went crazy. We viciously dry-humped each other, very
pathetically I might add. She pulled out lotion that she
brought in her purse, so I assumed she intended for us to
get frisky. She lay on her stomach then as I gave her a
massage on her back and front. After a few minutes she
massaged me too. We made out some more with our bare
chests touching, our heart beats pounding off of each others.
My mom came down stairs at one point and in a flash
we had our shirts back on, except my button-up was left
unbuttoned. Im sure that, our heavy breathing and our
sweaty foreheads gave away almost exactly what we were
doing. I turned on a movie and we lay down on my futon
with me in front and her behind me. Our breath slowed
down and we enjoyed cuddling for a few minutes... until
she reached around and felt up my flaccid penis through

my gray sweatpants, making me instantaneously rock
hard. I turned to face her and slowly reached my hand in
between her jeans and panties, discovering her to be
half-soaking wet. We did some more dry humping and
tongue wrestling and then she pushed me back and said
stop. She climbed over me off of the futon and sat on my
bed at the other side of the room. Her hands covered her
face and she started crying. I knew exactly why and grew
furious with myself, stormed upstairs and got a glass of
water.
After a minute I went back downstairs. Courtney had
stopped crying but was still sitting on the bed, I sat next to
her and she told me she was crying because she didnt want
to be the girl she used to be. I made a promise to her that if
I really loved her I wouldnt let this happen again, and if I
break my promise she should break up with me because it
means my love wasnt real. So I vow to my soul, and to her,
my life and love, that I will let this loving, sexual pressure
build up until that moment were able to break every wall
down and let go.
There are a few lessons to learn from this: 1) True love is
patient and will fight to do the right thing, 2) The right
thing is waiting till you either get married, or are
spiritually, personally, emotionally, and socially bound in
some other fashion, 3) how to love and excite your spouse;
tempt them, instead of coming after them.
God, help us in this love thing!
Dec. 3, 2012
Dont Read
Yesterday was a strange day. I went over to Courtney's
house around 1 and had a great lunch. We, of course, loved
on each other passionately in her room, like we always do,

despite our agreement. I went with her to church in De
Soto to practice a play they wanted me to play Jesus in. We
played catch outside afterwards, and then followed the
sermon. While the pastor preached, me and Courtney
communicated by writing in her notebook and passing it
back and forth. I talked about how I felt angry for some
reason, and that I just wanted to take her in the back of the
church and have angry sex with her, and I wanted to be
mean to her and grip her tight and tell her to shut up if she
told me to stop. I felt like an animal. So then after the
service we went outside and I dont know how it started
but she started punching me and I started grabbing on to
her and gripping her tight and throwing her around, she
was boxing me, and i was wrestling her. It felt good. We
were out of breath and sweating. She was hitting hard and
I think Im getting bruises. She wanted me to hit back but I
didnt want to hurt her too bad. She started hitting me and
kept telling me to hit her back. I eventually did, but lightly.
She said harder, and I did it a little bit harder.
When they dropped me off at my house she and I went
inside for a minute. She lay down on my bed, lifted up her
shirt half way and told me to bite her, so I did. Hard. And
she clenched my hair and scratched my side. Then I told
her to bite me and she bit my side really hard and I loved it!
I still have the marks. Its strange that this pain made me
love her more. I dont comprehend it but it worked, I wasnt
animilistic anymore by the end of the night. I truly love
Courtney Mendez.
Dec. 8, 2012
Oh, God. My mind is very unfocused. Its kinda funny.
Ive self diagnosed myself with ADD, Im not clinically
diagnosed because my dad doesnt want the doctors to put

me on medication.
I personally think I need medication, or at least want
to try it to see if my performance in school will increase. I
want to get straight As, and feel that its difficult with my
attention span. I want to take these vitamins my little
brother takes, and Ill see if that works a little bit.
I have another solution as well, Im giong to be very
listful, thats not even a word. Im going to keep pocket
notebooks and have my days, for the most part, all planned
out. I also need to affirm some things, like how video games
isnt nearly a priority, they distract me a lot. But I pray
that I become organized, and figure out a method to
success.
Jan. 9, 2013
Its the new year, 2013. Blakes birthday was on the 5th, I
called him yesterday to wish him a happy birthday and
tell him I miss him, but he didnt answer, so I left a
voice-mail. I hope he got it. I miss my little brother. I
havent seen him in over a year, maybe two. I plan to visit
him when I get my license (which needs to be soon, like, this
week), he lives in Waverly, KS.
I plan on writing an autobiography, and also think
someones going to read this journal, so thats why I always
write as if Im talking to someone, but sometimes I miss
details when I write about certain events and expect
readers would be confused, so they should turn to my
autobiography (if I actually do write it).
My sweet Courtney and I made a new years resolution
to not touch each other too sexually... weve already failed.
I need to find an effective method to stop our sexual stuff,
before we have sex when its too early to.
Jan. 23, 2013

Me and Courtney are officially broken up. It
happened on the 21st. I miss her, but I know we cant be
together, were just not made for each other, it turns out.
We broke up because I completely shared with her my
beliefs and theories and she didnt agree. Her family are
dedicated Christians, as I used to be, and I told her how I
grew away from that faith.
Jan. 28, 2013
God! High Schools stressful. Im so unorganized, I need
a personal assistant or something. I laugh. But seriously, I
need help.
Jan. 30, 2013
So... its been a little over a week since me and Courtney
split up. It didnt end bad, it was mutual-ish. It seems
theres always at least a little resentment, maybe for
simply the seeming waste of time. We decided that we
werent going to end up together. My philosophies and
theories scare her, I guess. Her family and herself have the
beliefs they have, and I explained that I dont have faith
that Jesus is the son of God, he might be... might not be. She
figured that with these different beliefs our household in
the future, wouldnt be stable. I agreed.
We still miss each other. I talked to her this morning
before school over the phone. She seemed happy to be
talking to me, and I was happy to talk to her.
Feb. 6, 2013
I dont quite know what to do. I want to make the
decision that is the wisest and benefits us both. Should I
sever the ties? Or get us back together in time. I found out
that her telling me she just wanted to be friends, literally

meant that, and that through us just being friends she
wanted to get to know the celestial side of me, the side with
all the theories and philosophies. Its a good idea, but I dont
know.
I have neglected walking in love, wisdom, hope, like i
did when I worshiped Jesus. Now that Ive focused more on
this other stuff, I dont feel the same as I was. I remember
being so happy everyday. Its like I had my house, all nice
and kept, then I decided to build onto it, make it bigger,
and as Ive focused on making those other rooms clean and
nice, the original rooms have gotten dusty and dirty. So I
hope that as I teach her of things beyond what she knows I
will learn to keep my entire house.
Ive been meaning to write a few things: Ive been
thinking... What is sound? Im learning about how it works
in physics, but Im trying to figure out the root of it. I know
it has something to do with matter, when force is applied,
sound is created. But energy cant be created or destroyed,
so where does it store the energy for sound, or if it doesnt
store sound energy specifically, how is the energy
converted into sound. I view it kind of like photosynthesis,
light and water go in and ATP and oxygen are created, I
know the process of how its converted. But for sound Im
trying to figure out the process of the conversion.
Later I discovered that sound happens when you hit
something solid it bounces the molecules around it, and the
molecules bounce on each other until they reach your
eardrum.
Feb. 7, 2013
My whole AirPad idea has some more support. I heard
about plasma balls, or lightening balls, which are balls of

electricity that randomly (theoretically) appears in places,
like in front of peoples faces.
I want to figure out how to manipulate that, figure out
how it works and then figure out how to control it.
Heres a picture of my idea:
Special Gloves
Screen made
of light
Im gonna need to have a plan to see how it should

work and then do some research.
----, 2013
On Saturday I had my forensics (competitive
speaking) tournament. I got 6th place in prose. Courtney
was there, and that was the first time wed seen each other
in a couple of weeks. It was nerve racking. I tried talking to
her, alone, but after a few minutes she had to become
occupied, she acted so strange, she was nervous around me
but acted so tough and careless. I know it was just a mask
though. Her friends interrupted us, and it pissed me off.
They were being assholes. So us talking at first was bad.
Then close to the end of the tournament I talked to

her again, and she was hesitant, still frustrated from the
few hours before. In that conversation, I gently severed the
ties. I spoke of God having the best plans for us and that
shell find a better guy, and that things will be better now.
Other stuff too. Then she opened her arms for a last hug
and we hugged, I whispered in her ear that even though I
understand things will be fine, Ill still miss her. Which I do.
Then we left each other, for good, both smiling, in true love,
the kind that lets go. Our relationship was beautiful, fun, I
dont regret anything.
Feel the filthy fear fill,

As I leap off this windowsill.
Your eyes wide inside, but,
Behind eyelids hide,
Closed and opposed to
This autistic prose,
Rockin extra chromosomes.
Cats claim curiosity killed the creature creeping,
So dont let Grim catch you peeping.
Though, the infamed shame,
Came and remained, for a moment
As you glance at time, frozen,
Your walls begin corroding.
Grims silent scythe slices thrice,
Scattering scales encasing the tides
Your ocean of creativity, now
Beats on your logic beach rhythmically
As you die here with me.
----, 2013
Wind writhes round my features,

Fitful folds flick in my t-shirt.
Whippy cold breezes wheeze in my ears
And snatch at my stinging eyes,
Throwing my tears.
Glad and grinning I gracefully fall,
Your eyes investigate in awe.
As the change and rearrangement happens inside,
You begin to tip forward with arms opened wide,
And join the ride.
Tethered together through the thick cement,
We phase through fearlessly and full of contempt.
Solid ground is bound to the world left behind.
Now weightlessly were diving through
The galaxies of Gods mind.
Beasts bound by our heads
And creatures that creeped under our beds.
Angels with mangled wings fly high.
Rainbows with colors unknown by our eye.
All things imaginable streak and stripe the sky.
Ethereal entities envelope your soul.
Your body fights back but feels their bold hold.
Shrouded clouds surround your heart,
The mighty muscle pounds back
And provokes a spark.
Shocked! you shake, shiver and cringe.
Excitement rushes through
Like an addict with a fresh syringe.

Dopamine streams flood your head to its seams.
You beam! and close your weary eyes from the scene.
Silenced are the roars and screams.
...You open your eyes and see its just me,
...reading a poem I wrote, while you sit in your seat.
Mar. 23, 2013
Who am I?... I dont know... but I am called Jordan
Allen Stacy. Im a male. I was born in the United States of
America on November 17, 1995. Because of this fact, do I
classify myself as an American? - No. I more comfortably
classify as a general Human Being, and I am being. My
native language is English, and Im assuming you also can
speak and understand it. Currently Im 17 years old, and
the date is the 23 of March, 2013. It is 3:40 a.m. in Overland
Park, Kansas right now. The seconds and minutes tick by
as I write, so I dont know why I just recorded the time.
I stated that I do not know who I am, and that may
sound strange. I could tell you my interests, I could
describe my physical features and the basics of my
personality, but I still seem so alien to myself. If I know
these things, do I know who I am? Cause It doesnt feel like.
What makes a person know... anything? What makes a
person them-self? I dont know. Im sure consciousness has
been dissected by the scientific community, or were at
least in the midst of doing so. I want to study all the
progress weve made.
Lastly, what makes me wonder, in general; what is
the reality of wonder; how does it work? Can, and which,
animals wonder? Which ones cant? And what
differentiates them? It seems wonderment is a more
evolved form of curiosity. What happens when animals

discover?
Apr. 11, 2013
I dont write much anymore. But I should. It keeps
me on track. Ive practically derailed, and I just gotta jump
back on and redeem myself.
I had a beautiful dream last night, cant remember
a whole lot, but there was a beautiful, mysterious girl. It
was a semi-post-apocalyptic world. Everything was still
intact, the buildings werent crumbling or anything, but
there was a dusty fog that clouded the entire surface and
air, and all the streets were, for the most part, lifeless,
leaving that end-of-the-world impression.
As I explored around a suburban neighborhood I
found a gang of adolescent boys. You learn to not trust
anybody near the end-of-days, so at first I was very wary
of these children, but soon learned that they were harmless.
They were running around and playing a strange game
where they all held helicopter leaves within their palms
and attempted to knock them from the others hands
without losing any of their own. I was taught the rules of
the game, which, in the real world, make zero sense, so Im
not going to try and explain them, and then played their
game with them for a while before continuing on my
adventure.
I followed a road to the top of a hill that overlooked
a small city with dispersed buildings. In the distance there
was a marble building that caught my eye, it had an
upside-down-bowl shaped roof and Greek columns lining
the front porch. I knew it was the City Hall.
I made my way down and walked through the
double doors into the buildings rotunda. There were stairs
on the right wall leading to a second floor. I searched

through the main floor rooms, hoping to find supplies, but
they were wiped clean and practically barren. So I took the
stairs.
What I found was very far from what I expected to
find. I, somehow, hadnt noticed before, but there were
people wandering about and throughout the rooms. They
seemed busy, as if there was some secret organization
going on on the second floor of the city hall. At least that
was my first impression.
From the top of the steps, I saw rooms stretch down
my right, and down my left, and in the middle stood glass
pane double doors. I slid past the busy people and walked
trough the doors into a make-shift throne room. There were
post-apocalyptic aristocrats lining the walls, talking and
gossiping. In front of me, on a decorative oak throne, sat
the most beautiful human being I had ever seen in my life.
Underneath a green wreath she had platinum blonde hair
that cascaded around her soft, angelic face. Her luscious
lips held a small smirk, and her sapphire eyes showed such
confidence and kindness as she looked straight into my
eyes.
The aristocrats noticed a new person in their
leaders presence and all glared at me, but she kept that
welcoming smile, they saw her and followed suit. The
Woman motioned for me to come closer and as I did her
subjects enclosed around me, squeezing together more,
bringing me closer to their Queen, until mere inches spaced
us. I was looking straight into her eyes now, our breath
mixed in the small space between us, I could see every
flawless curve on her face, her perky cheekbones, her soft
chin, her button nose the closeness of all her aristocrats
became suffocating. As I was distracted by Her beauty my
breathing became heavy and effortful. I imagined all these

people embracing straight through as a quiet darkness
shrouded over me.
It was a sort of initiation, they had accepted me
into their clan of survivors without a word spoken. The
Queen and I became quite smitten as well. We ventured
together out into the barren world, scaling the buildings,
scavenging and exploring, and finding supplies to build
upon our base. We were running on the rooftops of the city,
completely joyed to just be together. Smiling and laughing,
I looked into her eyes and she looked into mine this love
was unreal, the kind you only experience in your dreams
so powerful so true
In just a few days wed fallen deeply in love, and
improved the living standards for our clan, our city hall
had become a real fort in the post-apocalyptic world we
lived in. I was supervising the work all the other survivors
were doing, watching as they scampered from one room to
another. I made my way along the hallways, and walked
into the throne room, where I found a bed fit for royalty
had replaced the throne, though it still had the same
embossed-oak style. Under a white cotton blanket lie my
love. The aristocrats still lined the walls but were all softly
weeping now. One was bedside, holding his queens hand,
whispering gently to her as she smiled and nodded, a look
of patient concern held in her eyes now.
In a beat I had replaced the spot by her side, my
subtly shaking hand grasped hers, I tried to remain as
calm and understanding as her, but inside I was panicking.
The hint of concern in her eyes told me she was more
worried about the rest of our well-being over her own. It
was apparent she had developed some sort of fatal sickness,
but this didnt shake her one bit, she still remained the
perfect Queen of the End of the World.

I sat at the edge of her bed, caressing her soft hand,
throwing every amount of love I had to her through my
teary-eyes, and she reciprocated. After a few minutes she
gestured to one of her followers, I looked up and saw a tall,
finely dressed man step closer to us on the bed. Quietly, he
told me of a gilded chalice that held a special liquid in it.
He said retrieving this would surely save her, and that the
unearthly strength of our relationship was the only thing
that would allow me to acquire it.
My quest was successful, but how-so is completely
lost to me, I dont recall anything between promptly
leaving on my search, and returning with the goblet in my
hands. I rushed up the stairs, without losing any of the red
liquid inside, miraculously, and threw myself through the
throne room doors. All the aristocrats shot there heads
toward my entrance, startled. The Queen just glanced up,
with the happiest smile shining across her face. I slowly
walked up to her, bedside. She sat up, maintaining her
usual composure, but I could see her eagerness. I gently
brought the goblet to her lips, trying hard to keep from
shaking with anticipation.
As she drank, her eyes widened and the glow that
had been slowly fading returned in an instant. The liquid
was completely consumed, and my love seemed to be ready
to jump back up and roam the barren cityscape with me
again. She looked over at the same fancy-man that told me
of the magic liquid and nodded. He took one big lunge at
me and bit my arm with this carnivorous mouth I hadnt
noticed before. I looked at my puncture rittled arm and
saw blood dribble out of each hole. Fear had consumed me
now. Questioningly, I looked to their leader, but she just
smiled her comforting smile. I blacked out then.
I woke up outside of the building as a werewolf!

with blood red fur. I always knew there was something
strange about them, that smile she gave always said she
knew something I didnt; that was what was so mysterious
about her. Now I had the same power, the same knowledge.
No wonder they had survived so well in this world, not
only is their strength in numbers, but theres strength in
power too. She had accepted me into her clan, but it seemed
I belonged their, the moment I saw her, I wanted to be by
her side always, and she welcomed me, as more than just
another of her aristocrats. We would rebuild the world,
brand new, and with our care, confidence, and strength, it
would last.
I awoke then to this day Im thankful that I
remember so much of this world, but also long to return. I
admit that my woken self still is in love with this literal
girl-of-my-dreams, and if I cant return to her, I hope to
find her in the real world, maybe I wont recognize her at
first, but having a love so strong would make any man
forget the superficial desires.
Apr. --, 2013
Inspired by this sire, this King.

I bow, without hesitation, and he bows back,
Saying this was for you.
For me? The white man, a descendant of your persecutors.
A Cracker, in my blood the whip still cracks at ya.
The difference of us recognized and feared.
I am a white man, raised feeling superior,
Telling racist jokes there, and there.
I do not feel different from him,
The man before with the same face,
Who beat your man, with his same face.
I laugh and mock and fear and hate and feel and cry
I hear you.
Your walk, your caressing hands.
I hear and remember: in my blood is your face, too.
Im sorry, Im sorry.
This was for you. How!? Why!? What do you mean!?
Take away your eyes, unequip your ears,
Disengage your voice, but inhale the spirit that I exhale.
This spirit has no color, no dialect, no smell or taste,
But is felt, by all the same, and is felt by every cell,
And is felt by every cell,
Making them grip to each other in excitement.
This spirit is for you, and you, and they, and he, and we
And all of man.
I call it peace, passion, truth, love,
And it is all transcribed into inspiration for you.
This was for you.
I have inhaled, it feels right, forgive me, now I will go.
And feel.
May --, 2013
Sittin in this chair I stare

In awe at all the flaming blades
That piece my skin and make me insane,
And make me sway.
I sit and wonder how the sheizer
Do you not feel or realize that uh
Your lips are bleeding.
Theyre cut. Theyre scarred. Theyre seared.
Do you have no feeling.
Those emblazed swords that pass your lips
And piercing words that shake my hips,
My thighs, my hands, my heart,
My eyes, every strand, every part,

And my lips, making me write this shit.
Like needles your blades
Inject adrenaline into my heart
Put me under cardiac arrest
And tear me apart.
Im paralyzed, entranced,
Engulfed in flames as the fires dance
Up my arm, dont be alarmed,
Its a spiritual fire sent from
Higher than ourselves,
And you feel it too, as it calls
SOOOOWeeee! I feel free
Sittin here, with the only fear
That Ill Explode with passion,
Its fantastic, galactic, orgasmic.
Ive got a fetish, for this
Erotic Asphyxiation,
Sittin in this chair Im gasping for air,
Breathless as those meaty palms
Your words create, caress and strangle me,
My mangled feelings juggled
And each nerve struggles
To climb to the top of my skin
To reach heaven in this sin.
May --, 2013
Its not wise to worry about past events. That
doesnt mean that one shouldnt think about the past; study
and learn from it, sympathize with it even. In short:
Forgive but do not forget.
Im paralyzed, entranced,
Engulfed in flames as the fires dance,
Up my arm, but dont be alarmed,
Its a spiritual fire, sent from higher
Than ourselves, your idols are rocked
Off their shelves, which are left bare,
And there, in the void, are eyes that
Stare into my soul, and share with the world
Secrets untold by all of mans lips.
Secrets seen inside by each
But eyes are blind when they seek the secret in another.
Though in you, and me, and all, the secret is the same color.
The secret burning fire rises higher
Throughout our skin as a man standing
Begins to whisper our sins
As we crawl under the burning words
And through the thin oxygen.
I gasp for air each time he spits another fire ball,
Blasting nearby, as shrapnel flies,
The flash so bright, Im left stunned and enthralled.
I escape the rage as it secedes mercifully.
I wheeze and pant, hand to my chest, heart is abreast.
Relieved, I rest, and ponder
On this secret desire residing under.
Im homesick, nostalgic
For the kiss of the previous beasts flaming lips
That sucked all breath from my space in my lungs
And this is where my fetish for
Erotic asphyxiation stung.
May --, 2013
Remember this: Theres no good or evil, not truly.
There are the survivors and then the rest of them.
virus/sickness that attack the cells of anything, arent

evil, their purpose is to prosper and dominate. The cells
that they are attacking have dominated and are
prosperous.
Men may label themselves evil, but its all psychological
shenanigans. They strive to prosper and dominate just like
how their superiors that label them evil have already
prospered and dominated them.
Jun. 20, 2013
I had a dream last night that the avatar was real,
but it was all set in the future. Buildings were tall and
shiny, and everything was automatic; very futuristic. I
was in an elevator with a girl who was apparently my
girlfriend, we were really touchy and kissy. The elevator
rose up and stopped on the roof of the building. The sky was
dark and it was lightly raining. I dont remember all the
details here, but I remember the important parts. The
world was apparently ending and the girl and I were
making our way to an escape pod that would rocket to
another planet. We made it and as it was was shooting
away from earth, I looked out the window and saw a giant
meteor going for earth. I jumped out of the pod and flew
ahead of the meteor. Instinct took over then; I waved my
hands at Earth and opened the ocean, then I opened the
crust and mantle, revealing the sea of molten lava. The
meteor flew straight into the center and melted. I closed up
the Earth and floated there in space. Id taken control of
myself now, and in shock, realized that I was the Avatar.
I looked around and saw what looked like oversized
molecules floating around Earth, as I flew down to the
surface I had to avoid them, because they were radioactive
or something. I flew all the way down and into a giant
robot factory. On the other side of the room sat the Fire
Lord. While everyone else was leaving the planet, he stayed
and took control of all the robots in the factory, I guess he
was trying to keep hold of his evil ways, like it was his duty
or something. I fought my way through all of his robots and
stopped at the foot of the pile of metal parts he was sitting
on. I then tried to shoot lightning at him with the same
technique they use in the famous T.V. Show, but every time
it reached my finger tips it would zap out. After trying a
few more times, and failing, I looked up and saw that he
was afraid and I stopped. Outside of the building I heard
constant crashing and exploding. I climbed the pile, sat
right next to him, and into his ear, I yelled over all the
chaotic sound, Dont you see that, when the world is
ending, there are no good guys or bad guys, were all just
trying to survive. and then I grabbed him in a hug and
flew back up to the escape pod in space.
Jun. 21, 2013
Last night I dreamed that I was in the Black Ops
zombie world, but things were different. I got a whole
bunch of different guns, some were really special. I was
with another person and they were helping me do an
easter egg. I dont remember much about it, but I
remember I did something and then all these paint cans
popped up all over the map and I had to get them. There
was this tower that I could overlook part of the map on. I
dont really remember much else.
Jun. 22, 2013
While sleeping last night, I was in a different world.
I dont remember a lot, but I remember that there was this
secret room in a school that all my friends and I would
sneak into. The door was a panel in the wall that would
open when you pushed a hidden button. While inside
everyone was devising some sort of plan. In one moment, a
teacher discovered the place and I had to try to get them to
get out. And thats all I remember.
Jul. --, 2013
Am I too neutral? I am often in between sides of life.
In politics I am neither democratic nor republican, nor
any other party; If I was a political leader, I would just do
what I thought was right without any association. In
religion I often realize that things are not black and white,
but gray throughout. Although: in art, highly contrasted
values are more attractive to the eye than more
monochromatic pieces. Is my neutrality bad?
Confidence is sexy. Am I confident? When in an
argument I am never truly arguing; maybe is the most
common word I use. I know things arent always what they
seem I am confident that other people are too
confident or are we suppose to be bullheaded and
mentally static. Does my neutrality make me weak, or
strong?
If it makes me less likely too survive, than how am I
in this state? I know this neutrality is the product of deep
critical thinking, which is an evolutionary advancement.
People who are mentally static are more likely to survive
individually, but my neutrality is capable of advancing
the survival of our entire race. So, yes. I am confident. Im
confident that both the bullheaded and open-minded are
strong, in their own ways. Im confident that the world is
too big to choose sides, it is arrogant to assume Youre right,
over another human being. Thats why Im neutral.
Jul. --, 2013

I am 17 n0w. Ive been told adults settle, become
rigid, stuck in their ways. As of now I embrace change. My
mind is wide open. I feel capable of any opportunity Im
faced with. I dont have a set path. Years from now though,
I still want to be like that. I must remember to keep an open
mind, anything could be possible, dont get stuck in your
ways. Be a well rounded man. Work to wear the hand of
many labors.
Jul. 11, 2013
I dreamed last night that there was a big assembly
taking place in the school gym. I was up in the rafters,
jumping from beam to beam, as everyone else was sitting
in the bleachers below. I jumped out this open window and
ran around on the ground for a while. Then I met this
5-year-old girl who introduced me to her older sister and
brother, except I could tell the brother was a transvestite
girl. He had not very well concealed breasts and obvious
female facial features. I cant remember the conversation
we had, but soon after, I walked away and found a
carnival going on.
I climbed on top of one of the attractions and
started jumping from one ride to the other, climbing on the
roofs and rafters. The police started chasing me and soon
caught me. I was taken to the outskirts of the carnival and
put into this slim box that could barely fit two people
standing up. There were metal doors on the front and back
of the box. The power went out and all the carnival lights
and rides shut down. The back door of the trap I was in
opened up too, and I snuck out while everyone was
distracted. I saw these flares light up right out side of the
open door, probably marking the scene of my escape, and
there was a ladder on top of the jail-box that reached all

the way to the sky. The cops saw me though and I threw
myself into a sprint towards this small wooded area with
big bushes and overgrown grass. I crouched in the grass
and watched as the cops ran right past me. I walked
around then, confident Id completely lost them.
My dad eventually picked me up in his car, which
for some reason the license plate was important, but I cant
remember why. We stopped at his new house and walked
inside, he gave me a tour of all the rooms which had
strange colorful themes to them. We got to this safari
themed room and he told me that my little sisters liked it;
for some reason I was being really obnoxious and rude, I
said Yeah... they would. in a really tense tone. We started
arguing and saying mean things to each other, he
eventually swung a wide kick at me and I blocked it with
my arm.
I woke up in that same tense mood, but realized it
and got over it quickly.
Jul. --, 2013
Another Dream: Boo (from Monsters Inc.) all
grown up. We talk about a memory I had when she was
younger and asked me if things were filled with peanut
butter. Boo is an adult now though, and Im in a
factory/laboratory trying to get an experiment right. I
keep messing up and this other guy gets mad. He eats this
radioactive thing and is able to absorb materials and fly.
He takes Boos face off and throws her and her face into the
air. I swallow the radioactive thing too and fly up and put
her face back on and put her down. Me and the guy fight
and as we touch stuff our skin turns into that material. Im
wearing the superman outfit from the Man of Steel movie.
The other guy looks like Zerg from Toy Story. We have an
action packed battle, changing our skin, punching and
kicking, and he keeps talking about the All-Eyes and the
master All-Eye. I tell him that hes got it all wrong, that the
master All-Eye is all! Then I wake up.
Jul. 22, 2013
I came across this thought while in bed: Is it possible
to think of nothing? I dont mean...
Whatchya thinking of?
Nothing.
... I mean, when you hear reference to nothing,
what comes to mind?
Personally, what pops up in my head is an empty
space surrounded by stuff. That space I classify as nothing.
I might also think of the visual word nothing, the text. But
I dont think either of those things is really nothing.
I think its a paradox, and yet it isnt... because
theres NOTHING to be a paradox.
I dont think nothing is ! In fact, I think nothing
might be the only true enemy of God. If God is everything,
every single thing in the universe (which is hard to wrap
your mind around), than nothing is the only real opposite
(and nothing is hard to wrap your mind around too
because theres nothing to wrap your mind around)!
But it seems to just go around in circles...
everything must include nothing, but theres nothing for
everything to include, but every-single-thing includes
concepts and ideas and all the intangible stuff, to even be
typing about nothing being anything proves it is a thing,
but the real nothing is unfathomable, it doesnt even have a
name, to even refer to it as it is, in reality, impossible.
Thats how its a paradox, I could go on and on...
Aug. 13, 2013

Today is the first day of my Senior Year. Im
anxious. I hope that I do well. I declare that I am ambitious,
courageous, and wise! Today I will be introduced to my
classed, I am very excited for AP Art, and Repertory
Theatre. All Summer Ive been painting and drawing, but
still not enough. Some of the pieces Im proud of, but Im
disappointed all together, my sketch diary is only half full.
DAMN IT! I need to work hard this year. Its my last year,
and I NEED to end it with a BANG! No more pansy-ass
procrastinating. I need to actually ACHIEVE things. Get
on it! Dont bet on it. I sleep right, do all my homework,
and figure out about college. Oh my god... this year is going
to be good. Great! All these dreams and goals are going to
become a reality.
Sep. 12, 2013
There are colors we cannot see. Some animals can
see these colors, be we do not have the genetic make-up to
even be capable of perceiving them. Its depressing.
I though, recently, of an experiment to at least
detect these other colors. If we could technologically
register the light waves, we could see all the colors and
object emits and pick out the frequencies we recognize and
dont recognize. We could name them, and keep track of
them, make them a reality, despite not visually seeing
them. Possibly, through stem-cell research, in the future we
could program Human DNA to have the cones that will
allow us to see into the other spectrums.
----, 2013
I need to be taken more seriously, I dont know if its
my appearance or my generally jovial disposition.

----, 2014
Like the constant buzz of a rushing river our
consciousness emits in our movement, moving the matter
in the air to you, making you move too. This collection of
movement is hypnotic, entrancive. In a mass our speech
buzzed like a river, we are a collection of water molecules,
buzzing and rushing between the banks.
More simply: When in the lunch room, the hundreds
of voices speaking together reminds of the buzz of a
running river.
Months after writing this I read Siddhartha in my
English class and learned about the spiritual concept of Om.
It was an intense moment of enlightenment. I was excited
to have discovered Om on my own before learning what
people call it. I highly suggest reading this book.
----, 2014
So... if a man comes home one day, excited, with his
actions reflecting a new revelation on life, in which he
strives to change his current situation, you first blame
drugs!... wow. This is a sad world we live in.
I sat there... And played a game of cat and mouse
with my Cheerios.
Mar. 10, 2014
Im watching a program about space call Journey
to the Edge of the Universe and its currently covering
Black Holes, I have the video paused, I just couldnt wait to
write this down.
I believe Ive figured out why Black Holes are black.
Recently I read the head line to a news story that said

Stephen Hawking admits Black Holes arent black, and
tried to read it, but lost my attention and didnt really pick
up anything the article said. So I knew of this theory, but
didnt know how it worked. I think Ive just figured it out
on my own though.
Light travels outwards from its source, no matter
what type of source the light always goes out, and only
seems to create beams in a certain direction when all the
light is concentrated and redirected.
Black Holes are so dense they absorb

EVERYTHING, even light, which Im still trying to figure
out how. But one step at a time!
Well...
camera
No collection of light.
Black Hole
Light goes out, in every direction from the multiple

sources (stars) within a Black Hole, and outside of the
Hole the light is able to reach us, but the light closer to the
center is attracted into it and doesnt reach us, causing us
to not be able to see what the center of a Black Hole looks
like. The centers arent really black, but they are perceived
that way.
Also I was thinking about what happens to the stuff
that gets sucked in. Well all I can figure out is that maybe
matter is broken down into atoms, then into subatomic
particles, i.e. Neurons/protons and electrons, then into the
energy that makes those up, i.e. Magnetic energy and light,
etc. Then that might be broken up, but what into I dont
know. They say its very dense in the center, actually the
densest places in the universe; well I wonder if these
energies are being collected in the center, like planets being
drawn into their stars, or moons being drawn into their
planets, increasing the mass of the puller, even if by just a
fraction. What happens when the matter is broken down
into its most basic form of energy and collected like that?
Does the energy in the center (gravity) get stronger and
stronger? Im really unsure.
... I think this program just said that television
static was the sound of the leftover energy of the Big Bang
being converted into the salt and pepper war you see on
the television screen.
----, 2014
I fear Im going to blink and suddenly be 30 years
old, having done nothing with my life. except dreamed of
the possibilities. I am failing a couple of my classes, not
turning in my work, not doing what Im suppose to do. I
keep procrastinating, and Im tired all the time. I go home

and plan to do my homework but think Id have more
energy after a nap. I either wake up the next day and have
to get ready for school, or I wake up more weary than I
was , or I wake up and play video games with the thought
that I should get started on my homework there the whole
time until I need to go to bed. The only time I actually do
my work is when I manage to keep myself awake all night
and start on either my paintings or the work for my other
classes. Even then I dont finish it all! This lack of
motivation PISSES ME OFF!!! I dont know why its so hard
to just DO WHAT YOURE SUPPOSE TO DO!!!
I blame my household some... and my parents, and
their parents. In some religions they believe demons can be
birthed by someone and then passed down to their
descendants: Family Curses. Whoever birthed this demon
of procrastination, I hope your spirit is plagued with the
knowledge that you have cursed your descendants. My
mind is scattered, pathless. I desire control over myself. I
desire to break this curse. I WILL IT!!!
Mar. 26, 2014
The Devil is Essential

Discovery is evil to those who are afraid of its
power; to those who acquire power of their own through
dishonest means and desire to keep this power. They arent
interested in the beauty of true power, collective power
collected by all of mankind over centuries, they want their
power for their selfish reasons and label critical thinking
and the scientific method... discovery, as evil. So many
people trust them and follow their say. It seems to me that
they are evil and their (intentional or not) repression of
individual thinking. The following is a discovery that
would surely be labeled as evil by many, but theres no

denying the logic.
I have discovered that their will be no true peace,
their will always be an enemy to fight, whether that enemy
is ambient or not, there must be an enemy.
We desire perfection, as a mass. That is what we are
fighting towards. We want the perfect society, people want
to be perfect. We are fighting for to make a world that will
require little effort, this is the destination. Now I
understand that the majority of people dont individually
want this, but if you gather everyones thoughts,
mankinds collective consciousness, perfection is desired
outcome. In their day-to-day lives, each persons work is
more humble in nature and relative to them, they are
doing their individual piece in the world, and each persons
piece, when fit together, creates that big picture.
What happens when we achieve this though. When
perfection is achieved, what then?... we will live in the
perfect world for a while and then grow restless. Either
that or we will be so changed, our minds altered to
eternally be satisfied, that well no longer be human, life
will be worthless and meaningless. This is one problem I
have with the concept of heaven.
The beautiful thing about this is those who are
fighting for perfection dont see this revelation. They will
always fight and there will always be something to fight
for. Some people think this is pointless, but compared to
actually achieving perfection, I think its beautiful.
Because of this, Ive realized that religious people
have as much thanks to give to their despised deity as their
worshiped one.
Mar. 27, 2014

Ive had very spiritual thoughts and revelations
lately because in my English class we are reading
Siddhartha.
I think Ive come up with my own definition of
religion: Formulated Philosophy.
My spiritual journey started in the summer before
my freshman year. I was a content kid, more or less. I had
my issues and my desires, but these were humble things; I
maybe was interested in writing, or maybe in singing, or
maybe or maybe My heart wanted friendship; I felt,
very often, alone. My brothers were my closest companions,
along with my blessed mother. I was a child interested in
video games and girls. I was contempt; uninteresting;
uninterested; indifferent, just trying to be happy, simply
happy.
My dad was really into church and wanted the
whole family to be into it. I would often go, but, again was
indifferent, just checking things out. There was a summer
internship at the church, the first time they introduced
this program. I joined it and went to the church early in
the morning three days a week, for half of my summer. I
started out a bit enthusiastic, the people were nice and
quirky and the pastor was very passionate, friendly, and
jovial, easy to relate to. Believing in God wasnt hard, I just
began believing, and the Bible and Pastors were inspiring
and convincing. We would learn what it takes to be a true
christian and to follow Jesus, I was like a sponge and
absorbed every life lesson and applied my growing
knowledge to my life. I started becoming very
introspective, observing all of my own thoughts and the
world around me, I devoutly pursued spiritual
righteousness. It was a beautiful time of my life, I saw God

as such a beautiful, caring being. I saw life in such an
optimistic way.
All of this change was a bit of a process, but for the
most part it was like a switch flicked within me and I
suddenly wanted the absolute best for my life and for all of
mankind. I experienced miracles, felt the holy spirit, I
learned to speak in tongues, I prayed everyday, listened to
only Christian music; and let me say, the Christian
community is an overwhelmingly huge and powerful
community. It was a very magical time of my life. I took
pride in the knowledge that growing closer to God was my
highest priority.
I accelerated through the church, sucking in
everything around me and I guess eventually learned to
much. I knew most of the stories. I was familiar with the
philosophies, and was aware of what it took to be a true
Christian. I began to see the bad of the religion too, the
flaws in the church, the holes in the Bible. In my World
History class I learned of all the other religions and saw
the similarities and the same holes. I believed I knew who
God was and that he did not intend for all these
denominations, this separation of his people.
My view of God began to grow bigger than
Christianity, he was more than religion confined him to be.
All these realizations came like a smack in the face. For
some it takes decades to see what I began to see in a few
months.
I took Biology, and learned about the scientific
method and the theory of Evolution. This education rocked
my faith immensely. My introspectiveness observed the
mental stimulation, the logical processes, the pieces of the
world really fit together for the first time. It made sense to
me, but not just that, it seemed right. Id been taught to

avoid the scientific community and their theories and
discoveries of the world, and after being forced to face
them anyways, I dont completely blame the church for
their fear. With even just a bit of an open mind, anyone
could be ripped from their faith, for some, for the worst, for
others, for the better, me being on the latter side.
In a snap my faith was nothing but dust, and I
clinged to that dust, covered myself in it, I both was void of
faith, and at my apex of faith. With tear-soaked cheeks, I
prayed to God, day after day, that he would help me, that
he would bring me closer to him and return to me what I
was quickly losing.
I learned more and more, discovered more about
the history of my religion and the history of science. I
learned about the world, my eyes saw over the wall that
Christianity tried to build in front of me, and I saw the real
world. My pastors tried to use the Bible and religious
philosophy to refute the things I was learning, but thats all
they had, and it wasnt enough.
I didnt turn my back on Christianity, I evolved
from it, I grew past it, as my knowledge and
understanding of the universe grew. I read a book towards
the end of, what I call my trial. This book Gods Debris
opened my eyes even wider than I thought they could be
opened, I had my first mindgasmic experience, and youll
have to excuse me if that word makes you uncomfortable,
but its the only way to describe how I felt. I cant
completely reiterate what the book told me, except for the
idea that the whole universe is God, in the very literal
sense. I desire for any readers to experience their own
mindgasms, so if your curious, find this book and read it!
I believe in many things now. Things that in these
pages I have attempted and will continue to attempt to

explain. God is more than man can comprehend, any
attempt to humanize God, bring him down to our level, is
futile. Things arent always what they seem. Always be
skeptical, seek the truth and trust those that seek it too, but
dont trust those that have found the truth. Life is hard,
but man is strong. There are no sides to life, the Universe
encompasses it all and is neutral to it all. Things that
happen are not caused with intentions, they are simply
causes; cause and effect. But feel free to feel how you feel,
you are human. Trust your instincts, but understand its
not just you in this world. Life is life, for everyone. If there
is one commandment I would require if I were God, it
would be to be like him; desire to find his true face, and
mold your life to the things you find; trust only your
conscience, for that is how God speaks to us.
Also, dont treat these words like people have
treated their religious scriptures, I am only human too,
and dont know more than you are capable of knowing.
Find your own story, your own reasons for being who you
are, for being your own God.
Haikus
Her eyes like diamonds
That smile, so alluring
I dont stand a chance
Just please bear with me
Til the means of life are found
Itll be worth it.
May 2, 2014
Six Word Memoirs

Dissatisfied, until stars are more tangible.
Thirsty; quench me. Hungry; feed me.
Om; collective consciousness; a roaring river.
Searching for intelligence; it is rare.
Im distrustful: Prove it to me!
Rage inside; my minds a hive.
Jul. 7, 2014
Where to start? Its been almost two months since
graduation. A lot can change in two months, more than
has changed with me for sure. You are not bound to the
mold life makes of you. Certain events and forces in your
life seem to cause you to be the person you are, there is a
pattern with people, there are qualities and characteristics
that promote your life experiences and desires, and when
one attempts to use someones disposition to predict their
future, they might often be right. The skill to accurately
read these characteristics can be acquired through the
study of psychiatry, sociology, and even neurology.
Although this is a part of reality, people are still
capable of surprising the people around them, and
themselves, like I have. I dont exactly know how life is
molding me, but I do know that this decision Ive made
seems like an unlikely decision Id make, considering my
beliefs and hobbies Ive been involved in the past couple
years. This decision is a real challenge though, and Im glad
to be experiencing something almost completely alien to
me. In the past couple months Ive been juggling this
decision around in my head, and have finally decided to go
for it. I have enlisted in the United States Marine Corps.
Im going to become a Marine!
I believe though that my mold is meant to be

something more general, maybe the most general thing:
human. For now though, Im focusing on fine tuning my
body and mind, working to be in the best shape Ive ever
been in and to develop a powerful sense of self-discipline.
Ive been learning my General Orders and Rank
Structure, and Im attending Physical Training every
Monday and Thursday, we do A LOT of running and
strength building. I went to Mini Boot Camp for a weekend
and picked up a few tricks, so I dont worry that Ill survive
the mental and emotional strain of actual Boot Camp when
I leave Dec. 2.
I know Ive contradicted myself a lot, talking about
molds and not being bound to them. Thats how life is
though, one big contradiction, its beautiful. Maybe life
makes you, or maybe life is what you make it. It seems for
now that Im making my life. This was a decision out of left
field for me. But Im handling it, Ju Jitsuing my
opportunities into position and tackling life head on.
I have so many thoughts, and I dont write as often
as I should and want to I need to clear up some of this fog
in my head. One thing Im going to say is that Im a man of
many colors, I want to master life! Maybe I wont be the
best at anything, but instead Ill just be good at everything.
I need to remember though, to keep love, patience,
wisdom, and the thirst for knowledge.
Jul. 28, 2014
I just got home from the movie theater. My friend,
Noah and I watched Lucy; the main character, played by
Scarlett Johansen, is enabled access to the whole potential
of her brain power. A drug lord inserts a bag of synthetic
CPH-4 into her intestines, planning to mule it to Europe for
financial profit. In a fuss, the bag breaks open and leaks.

Throughout the movie the percentage of access
increases allowing her to do more and more things.
Our current level of access is between %10 and %20.
As our level of access increases we might obtain abilities. I
dont know which abilities correspond with which levels of
percentage, but I can try to provide logic to how these
abilities can be possible.
First: we will be in control of our cells. I dont know
whether our DNA can be manipulated, but I know first
hand well be able to heal at will. Possibly also other forms
of regeneration/generation i.e. Hair growth, nail growth,
muscles, bones, skin pigment. We could become stronger,
taller, fatter, skinnier at will. We may also be able to
control our mental chemicals, our emotions. These things
require basic energy, so a constant consumption of food
and water.
My question is what all is our brain in control of
already? Education will provide answers to my questions
and doubts, then I can theorize further, for now, my mind
is tired and I desire to wake up tomorrow mentally
rejuvenated, and still inspired to continue this entry.
I later learned that we actually do use all of our
brain power, our will over all the different areas is limited
though. I do know that, if provoked the right way, we could
willfully heal.
-Everything is in motion. Motion and stillness are
an illusion.
-We are becoming one organism i.e. Facebook, NSA.
Jul. 31, 2014
Ive been reading through some of my old entries and
I want to elaborate on some of my statements and ideas.
Entry on Apr. 24, 2012

I said the Bible limits God. To many people that
doesnt make any sense, because the Bible is their God. I will
share some of my revelations on how God is limited, but
first must say within the period of my life, documented in
these pages, where my beliefs and spirituality evolved, I
began seeing flaws in the faith so many others and myself
held. I still wanted to believe in God, so I began to look only
to him, I teared open my soul for God himself to enter into,
I rejected the Bible, rejected Jesus, and listened to God
alone to tell me whether it was all worth the faith I put into
it, and to dismiss the flaws because it was the truth, or if
there was a bigger truth to behold. He revealed to me
many things because of this, opened my eyes, and indeed
revealed to me bigger truths, GOD became my God.
Though they would reject it, it seems the Bible is a
Christians God. They put their full faith in the Bible, and
their image of God becomes whatever the Bible says. If God
desires to tell them something that is unbiblical or doesnt
correspond with the Bible, they reject it. The Bible says God
is a certain way, specifically Good. God is great, God is
good. they say, but God is God, he is the ruler and creator
of all things, Good and Bad. Satan is not a god, therefore he
cant create evil. Evil and Good are all a part of God, once I
realized this I started doubting the common conception of
bad and good altogether. God does not do things with a
certain intent, he does what needs to be done.
That was one of the initial revelations that spurred
the rest of my doubt in the Bibles credibility; It started
with God; as I grew closer to him within religion, and
desired to grow closer more and more, he pulled me past it,
threw me over the wall of faith, and I landed on the side of
truth, theres no more doubt in who God is, what he can do,
and what he wants me to do. I asked God to reveal himself
more to me and there wasnt any hesitation to believe what
he was telling me and showing me, because it just made
sense; God just made sense, doesnt that sound right?
Theres no more struggling to hear him, because I
submitted. I let go of something I held so dear, the Bible and
Jesus was my life, but there was so much pain. So many
people put so much in but got nothing back, I could see
them hurting as they prayed. Though I did feel love, and
can think very fondly on my journey in Christianity, there
were many times when I prayed, I could tell I wasnt being
heard; I was praying to the Bible.
Although When not dependent upon this book,
you can see it for what it truly is. When seen as
historical-based fiction, you begin to see it as the beautiful
artistic story it is, and can see the life impacting themes
within. Its also a scary story. The Bible God is a scary God,
and is represented by those who boundlessly believe in
every word of the bible 100%. Im happy to say that most
modern Christians dont believe every word they want to,
but most that I know promote only the good, and give
excuses for the bad, though theyll deny it.
The reason Ive written so long is because Im afraid
my true point isnt being made; I have a habit of talking
about everything except what I intended to. The Bible is
just a book, though it can be a pretty good one. God is
greater than the Bible and religion make him to be. I chose
to believe in the real God, and leave it up to him to tell me
who he was, and it seems he showed me that these things
are true, and I will believe so until he says otherwise.
Oct. 6, 2014
Entry on May 15, 2012

Before I can explain what I was trying to say
through those strange diagrams, whoever is reading this
th
must first watch Imagining the 10 Dimension on
Youtube.com. Also read Gods Debris.
Once thats finished your mind should be
thoroughly stimulated, as well as equipped with the glue
that will hold together the puzzle pieces presented
presently Youll be more likely to understand what Im
saying. I will start with the story in which I came up with
this theory.
I was talking on the phone with my friend Nahshon
and told him to watch the same Youtube video,
immediately he did, with me still on the line. Then i
explained to him that i believe God is omnipotent,
omnipresent, omniscient. He said, Well, duh! I was glad
we were on the same page. Excitedly, I said, Then that
means God perceives in the 10th dimension. He sees all
possibilities before they become a reality. But they are a
reality for him, since God is outside of time, he lives and
perceives every possibility in the present. So before he even
created mankind, he already knew the outcome, there
would be no point in initiating the mission, because he,
theoretically, had already done so. The only thing he
couldnt see was his own demise, which he was fully
capable of causing. So he did. He saw destroying himself as
the only thing worth doing because he had already done
everything else, theoretically. Thats what caused the Big
Bang.
Nahshon is very faithful to his Christian God of the
Bible and asked me why his God exists then. We had
discussed in the past that everything might exist, but is
only perceivable once we doubtlessly believe it exists. He
tried to convince me that, in my own logic, his God does

exist, his reality isnt only his and is a reality. So then what
about God blowing himself up? How is that possible if He
was the Big Bang. How can he be the ground we walk on,
the stars we gaze at, and the being we pray to.
Thats where this diagram comes in - . This symbol
represents God and two different time lines. Although God
may have blown himself up, the reality in which he creates
angels and Lucifer and all the Bible stories are actual
history, they actually exist, But so does the Big Bang. The
fork in the diagram represents these two different versions
of God; Christian and (modified) Scientific. God blowing
himself up doesnt ex-out the other possibilities (which are
actually all other possibilities). I meant literally that they
were a reality.
The logic is confusing but you have to believe me
when I say that these two different Gods are not different,
nor separated. They are the same physical being.
Attempting to peer through Gods eyes I can see time
clumped together, like if you were to appropriately write
every possible past, present, and future on a strip of paper,
crumble it up, and soak it in water. Thats time to God.
Therefore, that is also God within these time lines, clumped
together, one being.
God starts out at one point, then theoretically splits
into these two points. But these points are occupied by one
being, and thats where the fold comes in - . The Christian
God and all the history of the Bible, and all the philosophy
of the church, effect the world in which the same God blew
himself up. The same God worshiped up above is the same
God we walk on and see in the sky.
Phew! Its difficult to explain such elaborate and
complex notions. This logic and thinking applies to all
religions and walks of life. I personally dont believe this,

but find it very mentally stimulating, and I think its good
to look at how the puzzle pieces I put together got put
together. I started out just trying to explain to him things
Id learned recently, and we ended up creating this
fantastic story.
If youve read all of this entry without watching the
video I suggested and reading the book I suggested, I still
highly recommend you do that. I also congratulate you for
reading all the way through, I know its crazy and maybe
even not that interesting, but, either way, thank you.
Oct. 7, 2014
Im afraid Im not accurately expressing my views.
Its hard organizing my thoughts and then putting them
on paper. All of my ideas and philosophies are produced
from deep critical thinking its a huge struggle
backtracking through my mental process and then
sharing them in a way that others can understand the
same way I do but Ill try.
The Bible limits God because I believe man wrote
the bible, and because I believe God shouldnt be defined by
anyone or confined by anything. We just let it be obvious
who he is, by looking around and seeing how the world
works.
The whole thing about the ten dimensions is
obviously confusing. Dont worry about understanding it.
Those sources I mentioned are still worthy of your
attention.
Oct. 10, 2014
My oldest memory I have is from when I was less
than two years old; around eighteen months my dad said.
I remember being in a parking lot, my dad was

pushing me in a stroller. Up ahead I could see my aunt and
cousins. We were all walking past the parked cars towards
a big building. I looked up and to my right and saw a
glowing neon sign above the buildings automatic doors, the
sign was of a big orangutan in a t-shirt hanging from the
letter Z in the word Zonkers. I couldnt read it then, but
somehow, years later, when this memory surfaced
randomly, I read what the letters wrote.
It was strange how I discovered this was my oldest
memory. I was in the car with my dad, I think I was
around seven years old. I was gazing out the window,
thinking, as we rode across the highway. Suddenly, the
memory came to me. I asked my dad about it and he was
astonished that I remember that.
Oct. 10, 2014
The concept of motion and stillness is an illusion,
just simply a concept. A pole staked in the ground appears
still, but when observed from space, is in actuality rotating
along with the Earth. Lets say we stop the Earths rotation,
it would still be revolving around the sun. If we stop that,
our solar system would still be revolving around the center
of our galaxy. And if we stopped that! we would still be
subject to the expansion of the universe. After that, I dont
know. Our universe may be experiencing movement on a
bigger scale. Maybe something along the lines of the
multiverse theory.
So it seems to me everything is in motion, which
cancels out the reality of stillness, and the separation
between the two. Theres no difference between them, in
reality. The two words only assist in relative perception.
Nov. 16, 2014

Tomorrow starts my first day as a United States
Marine recruit/future Marine. I got to ship early. Im
leaving from the moody weather of Kansas, for the heat
and sweat and pain of Camp Pendelton in San Diego,
California. Its going to be a challenge, the biggest Ive faced
so far, but Im looking forward to how Ill come out at the
end.
Im going to miss my family, but am not worried too
much. Im going to blink and it will suddenly be three
months later, and Ill be an official Marine. When I come
back Im going to make a difference, starting with the
homefront. My parents seem to be chronically impaired by
money, they cant seem to handle it well, and I intend to
assist them while they try to make their lives and my
siblings lives better, and learn how to keep afloat in
capitalist America, while I am learning how to steer my
own ship.
Thats one of the many reasons Im joining the
military, above all the other things I couldve done with
my life, though timid and skeptical at first, now its clear
that this was the best path for me. Once Im more
comfortable with my parents situations, Ill pursue
making a difference in the world. In the Marine Reserves I
dont have as much of an opportunity to travel around the
world, but I do have the free time and the training
received from Boot Camp, to exercise my ambitions, which
are too vast to list. Whatever opportunities come my way
Ill attempt to seize. Another reason is, and I think Ive
already written about this somewhere if not in this journal,
I am a bit obsessed with personal perfection, in a bit more
complicated way. Ive already disciplined my mind and
my spirit, and now I want to discipline my body. Pretty
much my whole life Ive had to bear with angry abusive

men, and I finally want to be able to stand up for the people
I love, and win, put these dogs in their place, and be a
walking warning that you dont mess with my family. I
want to be able to physically express my confident
positions, without being unjustly overcome.
So this marks the end of an era for me. This last
entry, signifies my evolution from adolescent child, to
adult, where I work hard to make my dreams a reality,
and truly begin my own legacy. Though it feels like Ive
sprinted through my journey of self-discovery, I know
there will be so much more to unravel about myself, and
the universe, and there will be a time when Ill put myself
to the best use possible. Ill travel the world, and assist in all
of mankinds survival the best way I can. Six months ago, I
didnt know where to start, but now Im here, putting on
cammies and dress blues, marching not just to American
drums, but to the anthem of all life on Earth.

This Journal Belongs To

Încărcat de

Informații document

Drepturi de autor

Formate disponibile

Partajați acest document

Partajați sau inserați document

Opțiuni de partajare

Vi se pare util acest document?

Este necorespunzător acest conținut?

Drepturi de autor:

Formate disponibile

This Journal Belongs To

Încărcat de

Drepturi de autor:

Formate disponibile

This journal belongs to:

Dec. 26, 2011

Dec. 29, 2011

like Jesus, it is especially hard to in my family for reasons I

was standing in the back of the room watching this. I

Yo, everybody back up, Im standin up.

fear that for my lack of faith, I would go to hell. Or that

they really are to help them.

New Book Idea:

God-forsaken, he is omnipresent). Bring me back to you.

New book idea:

Mar. 27, 2012

I havent slept well the past two nights, I keep waking up

church. And I would guess more people have this

Apr. 12, 2012

I honestly think theres more to God then the bible and

Dang! This life is jacked up. So many people, so many

May 15, 2012

We see God in 10th Dimension. He sees

Jun. 10, 2012

let everyone do whatever they want. Mr. Rose said, So,

Though its strange every candles lit,

And as small as my big toe.

Each religion sees God from a different perspective, like

to God we begin to be able to see the other perspectives.

I have obviously been traveling down the christian

Jul. 15, 2012

Antioch Church Sermon

Lately Ive been thinking about my death a lot. I think of

I also plan to, if whenever i think of stuff I want to do, to

depending on the situation is either a blessing or a curse.

Sunshine and cloudy skies.

Jul. 19, 2012

Aug. 14, 2012

Aug. --, 2012

saying how I want to be. Why cant I just be it. Who am I

Be enveloped young Sun,

Mystery comes after,

want her back, its been weeks. I miss calling her my

help... I need to have a goal, something to do in my free

More Book Ideas

Boom!!! I declare that I have ambition! I heard

I am ambitious. I am ambitious. I am ambitious. I am

trials over the next few days.

was at my house last night and we had recently made on

she reached around and felt up my flaccid penis through

on each other passionately in her room, like we always do,

diagnosed because my dad doesnt want the doctors to put

Jan. 23, 2013

that her telling me she just wanted to be friends, literally

about plasma balls, or lightening balls, which are balls of

Im gonna need to have a plan to see how it should

Then close to the end of the tournament I talked to

Feel the filthy fear fill,

Wind writhes round my features,

Like an addict with a fresh syringe.

evolved form of curiosity. What happens when animals

on the right wall leading to a second floor. I searched

breathing became heavy and effortful. I imagined all these

perfect Queen of the End of the World.

I woke up outside of the building as a werewolf!

Inspired by this sire, this King.

Sittin in this chair I stare

My eyes, every strand, every part,