Planet

Motherfucker
A Psychoholic Trash Culture
Setting
by Jack W. Shear

Table of Discontents
Welcome to Planet Motherfucker...3-4
Inspirations...5
A Nomad's Guide to Murica...6-8
Random Tables...9-25
Intoxicants...27-28
Monster Mash...29-31
Rules and Characters...33-39
Toilet Paper and Beer...40
Game Master Advice...41

There are only two important things in lifemonsters and

hot chicks. Rob Zombie

Welcome to Planet
Motherfucker
Planet Motherfucker is an alternate-reality Earth where the
worst fears of the Cold War came to pass in 1965the Year
of the Thunderkiss. Some fat-fingered bureaucrat pressed
the shiny red button and set off Armageddon. However,
instead of resulting in a grim, gritty wasteland where
humanity struggles to survive, the atomic fallout instead
warped the fabric of reality itself. Planet Motherfucker has
been twisted into a psychoholic grindhouse world where
giant ratmen drag race hot rods against murder-minded
robots, where lunatic wolfmans square off against
brickhouse Amazons, and where living dead girls, doom
nuns, and Murican witches command the awesome powers
of the bump-n-grind occult.

Planet Motherfucker is ultra-violent, maxi-trashy, supralowbrow, and uber-depraved. The characters are larger than
life, garishly-hued in technicolor and greasepaint, and the
only thing they value is getting lit in the company of a hot
piece of ass. Grade Z horror movie monsters prowl the
wastelands and clown gangs rampage through the streets of
what used to be called civilization. Fuel up your chainsaw,
strap on a shooting iron, and rev your engineit's gonna get
messy out there.

Inspirations
Comics: Spookshow International; The Nail;The

Nocturnals; Tank Girl; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles;

Wormwood: Gentleman Corpse.

Tunes: White Zombie, La Sexorcisto; The Cramps, Stay

Sick!; My Life With the Thrill Kill Kult, Sexplosion!; Gein

and the Graverobbers, The Passion of the Anti-christ; The
Misfits, Walk Among Us; The Birthday Party, Junkyard;
Rob Zombie, Hellbilly Deluxe; Man or Astroman?, Destroy
All Astromen!

Flicks: House of 1000 Corpses; The Doom Generation;

Wild at Heart; The Devil's Rejects; El Topo; Grindhouse;

Machete; The Lords of Salem; Repo Man; From Dusk 'til
Dawn; The Hills Have Eyes; Terminal USA; Road Warrior;
Army of Darkness.

Arts: Coop; David Hartman; Ed Roth; Simon Bisley;

Nat Jones; Dan Brereton.

Reads: Christa Faust's Hoodtown; Stephen King, The

Running Man; Gregory Nicoll, Beer Run; Michael
Moynihan and Didrik Soderlind, Lords of Chaos; Harlan
Ellison, Along the Scenic Route.

A Nomad's Guide to Murica

Murica used to be the Land of Opportunitynow it's a
hellacious fuckscape of violence and high weirdness. Here's
what's what in the Land of the Freak, Home of the Braze.
In the northeast you've got the Salem Commonwealth, an
enclave of religious nuts who love inquisitions and burning
witches at the stake. They're fighting a shadow-war with
the Murican witches who want revenge against the Goodly
Fathers and Goodly Matrons for killing off their kin.
A little further south you reach the city of New
Amsterdamned. New Amsterdamned is ruled by Mayor
Rudolph Ghouliani, but let's be honesthe pretty much lets
organized crime do what they want. It's a vile cesspit of
scum and villainy. Some say that anyone can enter the city,
but it's a real bitch trying to escape.

The Southman, all hellbilly savages. The moonshine is

tight and I like me some cornfed dames, but don't stick
around too long; want to end up chicken fried and topped
with gravy at some dirtbag's Waffle House? Didn't think so.
Far south at the gulf you've got the city of Necro-Leans.
Nobody officially rules there, but nobody crosses the
Voodoo Queenor if they do they soon find themselves
added to her zombie army. Great gumbo and sweet skin
shows, though. Almost worth the perpetual swamp-ass
smell.
Next door to that is Tex-Arcana, a lawless land of gun
fighters, hellfire preachers, and hocus-pocus men. The
Cadillac Kings, a consortium of rich cattle barons, is
waging an all out struggle for land against the Border Bros.
Best not get caught in the middle of that, pardner, unless
you want to get fitted for a nice pinewood box.
What's there to say about the middle of the country except
for that it's filled with fucking mutants who worship
Tavatars? (Those are tee-vee stars to regular folks like
you and me.) Up near the Super-Sized Lakes is Wendigo
City, but I've never been there because I don't like cold
weather or deep dish pizza. Farther north is just frozen hell
and snowcialists. Oh yeah, if you're looking for a rad
Dragula, they make finest motors over in Destroit.
Out on the left coast is the Pornopolis of Lost Angels, a
city governed by a council of adult entertainers.
Everything is glitzy out there, but underneath the Teflon
coating of tan skin and white smiles lurks some really dark
shit. Hell, the people out there are so medically modified
they practically count as cyborgs.
Speaking of cyborgs, there are a ton of robot monstrosities
prowling the Silicrom Valley.

North of the Pornopolis is Saint Freakcisco, and man it is

anarchy in that town. It's a perpetual carnal carnival there
circus freaks rub shoulders with New Age warlocks and
they all get down at potlucks thrown by blood hippies.
Helter skelter, baby!
North of that is the endless Twin Woodswhich is chock
full of Bigfoots, lumberjacks, and diners with really
excellent coffee and cherry pie. The owls, though...they are
not what they seem.

Fast Food
This Joint Serves...
1. Cockatrice hot wings
2. Chicken-fried harpy
3. Imp-and-biscuits
4. Double ghoulburgers
5. Basilisk tacos
6. General Cho's jabberwock
7. Boiled crabman in garlic butter
8. Mixed meat hot dogs
9. Slime-lovers pizza
10. Soylent green
What's Going on Here?
1. Everyone inside has been murderedcustomers
and employees alike. Just as you're leaving the cops
are going to show up and want some answers.
2. Some jokester has spiked the food with a slowacting poison. You've got a limited amount of time
to find the culprit and beat the antidote out of him
or her.
3. This slop-house was built on top of a trap-filled
murder hole that is safeguarding some sweet
treasure.
4. For reasons unknown, this sty is hosting a beauty
pageant. Enjoy the show until the pageant turns
deadly and you have to sort out who killed who.
5. The food is tainted and slowly turning its eaters into
zombies.
6. While you're eating...HELLBILLY RAID! Can you
get out alive?
7. A gunslinger swaggers in and mistakes someone in
your party for a famous duelist.
8. The freezer room is actually a portal to the Ice
Planet.
9. PTERODACYL SWARM!!!
10. The oil in the fryer animates and begins
indiscriminately attacking patrons and employees.

Rivals
Your Rivals on This Adventure Are...
1. Dragster-driving mummies
2. Incestuous cat-people
3. Cultists who worship Mickey Mortis, the Death
Mouse
4. The Fresh Princes and Princesses of Bel-Air
5. Rottney Dangerfield, wise-cracking zombie king
6. Some douchebags who dress and talk like pirates
7. Col. Saunders, Southern-fried fiend and gentleman
8. Shadow Men...from the Moon!!!
9. Lady Gagger and her retinue of Little Monsters
10. Psychotic, pill-popping lumberjacks
They Are...
1. Way more well-informed about the situation than
you are.
2. Hopped-up on murder pills.
3. Syphilitic.
4. Suffering from delusions of grandeur.
5. Desperate to show you how cool they are.
6. Carrying a bomb, but they don't know it.
7. Pyromaniacs.
8. Drunks badly in need of a drink. They will join you
as long as you keep them loaded.
9. Prone to joining forces only to backstab their
partners later.
10. Necrotic and slowly turning into the undead.

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Queen Bitch
Who is This Queen Bitch?
1. The Witch Huntress
2. The Stone-Cold Killer
3. Blind Lady Justice
4. Salvation Amy
5. A Dinosaur Rider
6. The Last of the Pure
7. A Motorbike Valkyrie
8. The Fatalist of the Femmes
9. A Pyro-romantic
10. Queen Mum(my)
11. A Real Heart-Breaker
12. An Amazon with a Lasso of Untruth
13. A Real Skeevy Broad
14. A Rich Daddy's Girl
15. She Who Must Be Obeyed
16. The Great White Huntress
17. The Magdalene
18. The Architectress of Pain
19. The Hunted One
20. A Sticky-Fingered Shifty Type

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Dirtbags
What Kind of Dirtbags are These?
1. Scarred, abused, timid
2. Ash-covered cultists
3. Hill people
4. Drunken and slobbering
5. Pale and subterranean
6. Stinking hippies
7. Giggling pyromaniacs
8. Pus-filled
9. Spectral dirt bags
10. Many-armed mutants
11. Lizard riding
12. Knife-obsessed
13. Seafarin'
14. Singin' hobos
15. Stabbin' hobos
16. Servile and pathetic
17. Inbred cannibals
18. Nude. Disturbingly nude
19. Fun-lovin' and fast-drivin'
20. Brawling and 'roid-ragin'

12

Dirtbag Chieftain
The Dirtbag Chieftain's Weapon is a...
1. Pair of black-handled switchblades
2. The severed arm of his brother
3. A tomahawk
4. A glove with bladed fingers
5. A baseball bat with a bunch of spikes sticking out of
it
6. A fireman's axe
7. A ball-peen hammer
8. A big, sharp fucking rock
9. A toilet plunger filled with concrete, like a
makeshift mace
10. A chainsaw
11. An tire iron
12. A Murican flag hanging from a spear
13. A bowling ball attached to a handle by a chain
14. A garden gnome attached to a handle by a chain
15. A black-and-white tv attached to a handle by a
chain
16. A whip
17. Lawn darts
18. A broken beer bottle
19. A lawnmower
20. A stun gun

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The Deal
What's the Deal with This Guy?
1. He's got people locked in his cellar
2. He's obsessed with vintage porno
3. He can get you anything you need, for a price
4. His prosthetic arm has a mind of its own
5. He knows where a portal to Hell is
6. He's got a lot of maps; half of them are accurate
7. He has been animating shop mannequins and you
don't even want to know why
8. He has a wound that won't heal
9. He's running for mayor and would like your support
10. He's got a copy of the Book of the Dead
11. His wife calls all the shots
12. He has corpses in his crawlspace
13. He has a secret stock of uranium
14. He wants to tell you about the big game where he
scored the winning touchdown
15. He wears suits made of human skin
16. He's got a still making some really potent
moonshine
17. He would like you to look at this and tell him if you
think it's infected
18. He's got a robot that sometimes flies into a
murderous rage
19. He's definitely a werewolf and definitely hates
Nazis
20. He's a bit of a gigglepuss

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Glowing Thing
I Touched This Glowing Thing and Now...
1. My skin is covered in spurting boils
2. I'm farting uncontrollably and all the plants around
me are dying
3. My body is a gateway to Hell
4. Everything I touch turns to cheap fake gold
5. I'm sweating like a whore in church
6. The sight of anyone I'm attracted to makes me puke
7. My scent attracts hellbillies
8. I've got a magical power, but it's a really dumb one
9. My body is a gateway to the Other Hell
10. All the hot people in a mile radius are dead
11. My breath could kill a cockroach
12. I'm blind
13. My body is covered in sentient fungus
14. I'm tripping balls
15. Things are coming out of me, man
16. I've awakened the seventeen-year locusts
17. I'm literally pooping gold
18. My head is way too small for my body
19. I'm a goat
20. My body is a gateway for goats from Hell

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Tattoo
I See You've Got a tattoo of...
1. One meaty motherfucker
2. Dancing monkeys
3. Psychedelic mushrooms
4. A dagger with the legend Mom
5. A snarling wolf with the legend Bark at the
moon!
6. Diamonds with the legend Money & Tricks
7. Blood-dripping vampire fangs
8. A burning sacred heart
9. Entwined Snakes with the legend C'mon Lover
10. A phoenix rising from the ashes
11. Nautical bullshit
12. A tricked out dragster that was lost in a poker game
13. Bottles of hooch with the legend Live to forget
14. A scorpion wearing boxing gloves
15. A panther with the legend Smooth like velvet
16. Something too smudged and poorly done to tell
17. A grinning skull with wings with the legend Bat
out of Hell
18. Tombstone, one for each person that got put
beneath one
19. A bunch of names of chicks or dudes (or both) that
you don't even remember
20. A cartoon charactermad embarrassing

16

Rituals
Do you have a game that includes rituals that feature human
sacrifice and violation? Do you find that oogie? I'm here to
help. When you come across something you aren't down
with in the ritual's description, roll on this table and replace
the offending article with the result.
D Instead of Violation & Murder, the Ritual
% Requires...
01- You must gather ten teeth from gladiators who died in
02 an arena fight; these teeth must be ground into a paste
along with certain herbs and natural pigments. This
paste must be used to draw the unholy symbols
required by the ritual.
03- You must melt the sacred wax of Mehl-Yung in a
04 copper bowl inscribed with profane sigils. When the
wax is liquid it must be smeared across your body in
the proscribed motions; once the wax has hardened,
you must engage in the Dance of Darkened View until
every piece of wax has fallen away from your body.
05- You must acquire the relics from four saints. These
06 relics must be broken while you intone various
profanities and blasphemies. You must then take the
broken remnants of the relics and bake them into
wafers which you will consume at the ritual's
conclusion.
07- To prepare for the ritual beforehand you must find an
08 ancient skull that has been in the earth for no less than
a hundred years. The skull must be studded with
precious jewels and silver. The skull must be
presented and held aloft at the culmination of the
ritual.

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09- You must build a pyre from the wood of a desecrated

10 confessional booth. As the pyre burns you must cast a
symbolic effigy into the fire as you read from the
Feverish Book of Wrathful Thoughts.
11- You must have a kimono fashioned from fabric that
12 has been stained by the blood of a religious martyr.
To finish the ritual you must engage in the Dance of
Meht-Sahrnoth, a forbidden dance that requires you to
shed the garment at its last step.
13- You must bring a golden mirror of great value to the
14 site of the ritual. You will black the mirror's surface
with black pigment. As you recite the ritual's
incantation you must scrape a bit of the black paint
from the surface of the mirror. Take care to remove
the last bit of pigment from the mirror as you utter the
last word of the incantation.
15- You must fashion a mask from the combined skins of
16 a mammal, an amphibian, and a bird. The mask will
be worn only during the first part of the ritual; after
this the mask must be consumed by the sorcerer
before the ritual can continue.
17- To proceed with the ritual you must read from the
18 Tome of Vile Inclinations. After each page is read
you must tear it from the book and let the page be
consumed in the flames of a torch fashioned from
ghostwood.
19- You must have a idol carved from stone brought from
20 the Quarry of a Million Tragedies. While the ritual is
completed you must prostrate yourself in front of the
idol and then act like an animal, bleating and mewling
as you run about on all fours.
21- You must prepare a canvass by stretching it by hand.
22 You must then paint the portraits of three women on
the canvas with paint into which they have each
willingly contributed drops of their blood.

18

23- You must acquire a rope used to hang a condemned

24 criminal. As part of the ritual you must offer the
Fourty-Two Prayers of Baleful Recurrence as a chant
over the rope. At the final stages of the ritual you
must practice self-strangulation with the rope until it
chokes the concluding words of the rite in your throat.
25- The ritual must be performed as you stand atop of
26 mound of stones stolen from a king's funeral barrow.
While performing the ritual you must sing the
Imprecations Against the Dead Sun in a fluttering
falsetto.
27- You must craft a drum from the skin of a mutant
28 beast. You will play the drum as you chant the ritual's
incantation. As the ritual moves to fruition the drum
will animate and begin to play itself in a fearful tattoo.
29- You must prepare face paint from the rare flowers that
30 grow in the Devourer's Grove. You will paint your
face with the prescribed patterns as you coldly read
the protective incantations found in the Book of
Absolute Harrowing.
31- Collect enough corn husks to fashion thirteen dolls.
32 These dolls must be bathed in a succession of liquids:
sour milk, watered-down honey, grain alcohol, animal
urine. At the ritual's conclusion the dolls will animate
and engage in ritual combat with the sorcerer.
33- Salvage wood from a shipwreck and fashion the
34 timber into a crucifix. You must have a masked
assistant nail you to this cross while the disparage you
with a litany of your earthly failings. The ritual
incantation may then begin.
35- Erect yourself a throne made from the bones of dogs
36 long dead. You must sit upon this throne as you
complete the rest of the ritual's requirements. When
sitting upon the throne you may only speak in a highpitched, child-like voice.

19

37- You must prepare a perfume from the sweat of three

38 brothers. Adorn yourself with both this perfume and
costly jewelry. Perform the ritual while wearing
clothes that belong to the opposite gender.
39- You must create a candle from fat gathered from the
40 hollows of a grave. As the candle burns you must
verbally recall the content of all your worst
nightmares. These nightmares will be replayed in
your mind. As the candle gutters out the ritual may be
completed.
41- You must stitch together two used funeral shrouds
42 into a hooded garment. Don the garment and perform
the rest of the ritual in a graveyard. At the conclusion
of the ritual you must dig a fresh grave, bury the
garment, and perform the last rites for it as if it were a
living man. To do otherwise invites a dreadful curse.
43- Recruit twelve thespians to enact the play The Yellow
44 King's Triumph. At the conclusion of the play, you
may read the ritual's incantation and fulfil any other
requirements it might demand.
45- Dose yourself in the sweet fumes of burning death's
46 head poppy and utter the words of astral transmission.
Once upon the astral plane, seek out your animusganger and murder it. When you have returned to
your body you may complete the ritual.
47- You must carve a flute from the bone of a dinosaur.
48 You will then play the tuneless Song of Blood
Abjectness while solemnly dancing erratically. You
may then proceed with the rest of the ritual.
49- As part of the ritual you must prepare yourself by
50 taking a purifying bath in the holy mud of Tam-Zhuul.
You must keep this mud upon your body for a week
before the ritual is performed.

20

51- You must locate an Ebony Shard of Pish-Katelle and

52 gaze into its murky depths while whispering the
words of power. A demonic servant will appear
within the Shard; the demon will require you to
sacrifice one of the memories of your childhood to
proceed with the ritual.
53- You must cleanse your physical form in the the Waters
54 of Tenebrous Baptism. After your baptism you must
howl to the moon until your throat becomes raw.
Only then can you recite the concluding incantation.
55- Imbibe the intoxicating Powder of Gozitt Rhen until
56 the veil that separates the worlds falls away. While
your mind is on the brink of drifting into the ether,
quickly perform the ritual before you fall into
unconsciousness. Ignore the chirping of the demonic
mantises you see on the edges of your vision at all
cost.
57- You must order the construction of a princely
58 crystalline sculpture that you will fill with various
liquors of rarity and delicacy. As you read the
incantation aloud the crystalline sculpture will begin
to ring with the music of the spheres. It is vitally
important to stopper your ears and finish the ritual
quickly.
59- In the week leading up to the ritual you must subsist
60 on a diet of locusts, flies, and larva. If you become
sick from this diet you must not perform the ritual;
instead, begin the diet again when you are healthy.
61- Before beginning the ritual you must bathe your hands
62 in the tears of thirteen virgins. Your hands will
become dirty in the magical workings of the ritual;
you must again bathe your hands in the tears of
thirteen virgins at the conclusion of the ritual.

21

63- In the ten days leading up to the ritual you may only
64 eat foods prepared from the recipes found in the Book
of Edible Mysteries. If you become sick from this
diet you must not perform the ritual; instead, begin the
diet again when you are healthy.
65- You must become catastrophically drunk on alcohol
66 consumed from clay pottery made by the People of
Zhemin-Kafar. In the morning after, while you suffer
from the after effects of you imbibing, perform the
incantation and the ritual's requirements; interspersed
throughout the ritual you must beg forgiveness of the
spirits that govern drunkenness.
67- You must offer up blood split from your wrists into a
68 chalice of silver or gold; half of this blood must be
poured out onto the ritual diagrams that accomplish
the magical working, the other half you must drink in
between reciting the words of the rite.
69- During the course of the ritual you must summon the
70 spirits of your ancestors according to the instructions
provided in the Scroll of Elder Scorn. You must listen
to your ancestors list both your failings and your
accomplishments before proceeding with the ritual.
71- In the three days leading up to the ritual you must fast,
72 drinking neither water nor eating of any food. During
the ritual itself you must rend your clothes and loudly
proclaim your existential insignificance. When you
are in a state of abjection you may finish the ritual's
incantation.
73- Purchase a splendid white horse. Anoint the horse
74 with the cinnamon-scented Oil of Derlak Dugarh. At
the conclusion of this ritual you must free this horse to
flee in whatever directions It wishes.
75- As the ritual proceeds you must handle venomous
76 snakes and present them to the Guardians of the
Cardinal Directions. If you are bitten by the snakes,
cease the ritual instantly or face a dire doom.

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77 You must etch the runes the ritual requires into a tree
- of the sacred type known as Queen of the Darkling
78 Wald. These runes will bleed as if cut into the flesh of
man. Drink deeply of this blood-sap and continue
with the ritual's incantations and gestures.
79 Craft a large effigy of an owl from wicker. Debase
- yourself shamelessly before the owl; even when the
80 owl begins to move, so not cease your debasements.
Only when the owl's mouth opens may you safely
stop; now feed the owl on carrion until it is sated.
Once the owl refuses further food you may proceed
with the rest of the ritual.
81 You must eat of the hallucinogenic Worms of Nethren- Vhaal until the world wheels and spins around you.
82 Address your visionsbe they monsters or angels
as Master. Do as they bid you. When the world
returns to its normal function, complete the ritual.
83 Mortify your flesh with a whip of thorns. Display
- your wounds proudly to the demons and entities
84 brought forth by the ritual's workings. Let them
admire your dedication and handle your abused flesh.
Once you have met their approval you may proceed
with the ritual's other requirements.
85 As you burn the incense of Zalamphel a demonic
- servitor will appear and demand that you sacrifice one
86 of your senses for a year. When you have named the
sense to be stripped away, the demon will vanish and
you may complete the ritual.
87 Within the month before the attempt the ritual you
- must reconcile two foes and end their enmity.
88 However, during the ritual itself you will bind their
names upon a parchment with a curse of eternal
hatred. Once this has been accomplished the ritual
may proceed.

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89 You must sculpt tablets out of clay, powdered lead,

- and rosemary leaves by your own hand and let them
90 dry in the heat of a blue flame before you scribe the
needed runes on them with the thorn of a bromelihag
plant harvested during the monsoon. Only this will
open the gates the ritual requires.
91 The ritual must feed of love's strife. In the ritual's
- preparatory stages, you will receive a vision of a
92 friend or associate who is smitten. You must prevent
their love from being reciprocated/consummated. To
do otherwise invites personal ruin.
93 Utter your lamentations before a candle sculpted into
- the shape of Princess Nar. When your lamentations
94 are complete, wash your hands in a iced water held in
a basin of bronze. At last you may begin your ritual
work in earnest.
95 Place a crown of starmetal upon your brown and array
- yourself in robes of brilliantly-colored silk. No matter
96 what the beings summoned onto our plane by the
ritual threaten you with, remain imperious and
commanding. They will eventually relent and grant
you the key to the ritual's completion.
97 Bottle the water of a mountain stream; at the ritual site
- mix the water with the ashes of a slain monster. Drink
98 this mixture while making noises that correspond to
the type of slain beast within the elixir. Once imbibed
the way is clear to complete the ritual.
99 Stitch a doll out of the finest leather and stuff it with
- broken shells. Live with it in your house for three
00 days and nights. At midnight on the last night, bury
the doll in desecrated ground. The site is now
prepared properly for the ritual incantation.

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Bottle
What's in That Bottle?
1. Gasoline
2. Bottom rail whiskey
3. Sizzurp
4. Knock-out drops
5. Squid ink
6. Furniture polish
7. Delicious spinal fluid
8. Ipecac syrup
9. Engine oil
10. Holy water
11. Hipster craft beer
12. Kewl Aide
13. The gross soda from Destroit
14. Amazon drool
15. Just water. Nothing to see here
16. Sour milk
17. Hot sauce
18. Rocket fuel
19. Lube
20. BBQ sauce

25

SLEAZE!!!
THRILLS!!!
GRIND!!!

AMERICA!!!
FUCK YEAH!!!

26

Intoxicants
"We can't stop here, this is Motherfucker country!
We had two bags of black lotus powder, seventy-five opiate
tentacles, five sheets of hallucinogenic runes, an urn halffull of acid mummy dust, and a whole galaxy of howlers,
bawlers, cacklers, and pukers...also, a quart of heroin
dinosaur piss, a carton of shanga, a case of elder ale, a pint
of raw mi-go ichor, and two dozen wormwood herbs."
Intoxicant

Passed Roll

Failed Roll

Black Lotus
Powder

Euphoria; ignore all

pain for 1d10 hours

Euphoric death

Opiate
Tentacles

Euphoria; ignore all

pain for 1d8 hours

As a sleep effect

Hallucinogeni Consciousness
c Runes
expanding

Horrific visions;
as confusion effect

Acid Mummy Increased

Dust
consciousness of the
connections between
people; ESP for 2d10
turns

Everyone can hear

your thoughts;
feelings of intense
paranoia.

Heroin
Euphoria; ignore all
Dinosaur Piss pain for 1d6 hours

Slow descent into

narcotic hell; as a
slow effect

Shanga

Regression to a more
primitive mental state;
gain bonus to hit and
damage for 1d3 hours

Regression to a
more primitive
mental state, as a
feeblemind effect

Elder Ale

An eldritch
An eldritch
drunkenness; immune drunkenness;
to fear for 1d6 hours
random permanent
insanity

27

Mi-Go Ichor

Syrupy drunkenness; Syrupy

gain perfect darkvision drunkenness; go
for 1d4 hours
blind for 1d4
hours

Cacklers

Jovial good spirits

Bawlers

Downer; soft weeping Uncontrollable

for 1d10 rounds
melancholia for
2d10 rounds

Howlers

Amphetamine rush for Self-harm with

1d2 hours
whatever is at
hand

Pukers

Pleasurable vomiting
for 1d4 rounds

Wormwood

Mystical drunkenness Driven to suicide

and artistic inspiration

28

Hideous laughter

Unpleasant
vomiting for 1d12
rounds

Monster Mash
Look, I could fill pages with monster stats but whatever
game you're going to run this crap with already has a bunch
of stuff statted-out, so just reskin that stuff to be this stuff
and stop sweating the details.
When in doubt: just use the stats for a bear for whatever.

Barnyard Bruiser (Minotaur)

Big fucking cow mutant who is kinda pissed about that
steak you had last night, pardner.

Bog Bastard (Lizard Man)

Some kinda fucked-up admixture of crocodile and prowrestler.

Brain Eater (Zombie)

Slow creepy-crawling or fast-moving, you decide!

Carny

(Dwarf)
Small hands, smell like cabbage.

Fatbeard (Troll)
A verminous species of regenerating basement dweller.

Force of Nature (Elementals)

Ever since the Thunderkiss, ol' Mother Nature herself likes
to kick mankind's ass every once in a while.

Hellbilly (Goblin)
Inbred, mutant backwoods folk.

Massive Maggot (Giant Worm)

Ewwwww.

29

Motor-taur (Centaur)
Half-man, half-motorcycle. All attitude.

Mutant Junkyard Dog (Dire Wolf)

Definitely meaner that bad, bad Leroy Brown.

Mutant Lizard (Drake)

You could probably use one of these as a bad-ass mount, if
you didn't have to worry about it breathing fire all over
your toilet paper supply.

Road Hog (Orc)

Pig-headed (literally and figuratively) bikers who love
violence and BBQ.

Scrapyard Golem (Mech)

Fused together bits of old cars and farm equipment...and
full of hate.

Skeletorian (Lich)
These guys have all sorts of magical powers and shit, but
you don't wanna know what they did to dead bodies to get
'em.

Space Ghost (Ghost)

Some dead astronaut who keeps scaring all the tail away.
Jerk.

Spirit of the Double-Wide

(Dryad)
The heart-soul of the trailer park, bound to her sacred
double-wide.

Spitball (Dissolver)
A massive was of spit and stomach acid that would like
nothing more than to dissolve your face.

30

Tiki God (Dragon)

Fire-spitin' native hoodoo sumbitch, I'll tell you what.

TAvatar (Ancient Vampire)

They don't suck your blood, they suck your brains and your
will to live.

TAvatar, Reality

(Young Vampire)
Same as above, but weaker and with a New Joisey accent.

Walkin' Talkin' Jive Deadman

(Skeleton)
The funky undead. Mothership optional.

Werewolf
Hell, there's always room for wolfmans.
Need more monster ideas? Watch more b-movies, son.

31

32

Rules and Characters

Play this with whatever you want, but I use that fast and fun
system for Planet Motherfucker to make sleazy Novice
characters. Or I have the lazy players pick one of these
jerkwads and they're good to go:

Brickhouse Amazon
or Neo-Barbarian Stud
Yeah, the world has gone to hell in a hand-basket, but who
cares? Your abs are ripped and you turn heads. And if those
heads don't do what you want, you can crush them. Love
'em, leave 'em, crush 'em.
Agility d6, Smarts d4, Spirit d6, Strength d8, Vigor d8
Skills Climbing d4, Fighting d6, Intimidation d6,
Persuasion d6, Survival d6, Swimming d6,
Taunt d6
Charisma +2; Pace 6; Parry 5; Toughness 6
Hindrances All Thumbs, Stubborn, Arrogant Edges
Attractive, Strong Willed
Gear Desert Eagle pistol (range: 15/30/60, damage: 2d8,
RoF: 1, AP 2), Big knife (damage d8+d4), Backpack, Fur
loincloth, $75 in trade goods (toilet paper and beer)

33

Creepbot 2000
Although you've got a human brain floating around up in
your chrome dome, you're still more machine than man.
Yeah, replace my feeble human body with a sweet robot
chassis! you said. What a gaff; now you're a hulking beast
made of twisted metal, rusted circuits, and frustration on
overdrive.
Agility d10, Smarts d4, Spirit d6, Strength d4, Vigor d6
Skills Fighting d6, Climbing d6, Intimidation d6,
Lockpicking d6, Shooting d10, Stealth d8
Charisma 0; Pace 6; Parry 5; Toughness 7, 9 vs. Bullets
(2, 4)
Hindrances Wanted (major), Vengeful (minor), Mean
(minor) Edges Assassin, Two-Fisted
Gear M1 rifle (range: 24/48/96, damage 2d8, RoF 1, AP
2), Built-in metal carapace (+2 armor/+4 armor vs. bullets),
Stabbing knife (damage: d4+d4), Backpack, Can of oil, $45
in trade goods (toilet paper and beer)

Chainsaw Paladin
Despite living in a world gone mad, you've sworn to uphold
a moral code and fight for truth, justice, and the Murican
way. The instrument in your fight to bring order to a
lawless land is...a chainsaw. If you're going to cut the
Gordian knot of Planet Motherfucker, might as well do it
with whirring teeth of utter destruction.
Agility d8, Smarts d4, Spirit d6, Strength d6, Vigor d8
Skills Fighting d10, Healing d6, Knowledge (religion)
d4, Shooting d6, Drive d6, Survival d4
Charisma 0; Pace 6; Parry 8; Toughness 8, 10 vs. Bullets
(2, 4)
Hindrances Code of Honor, Vow (minor), Delusional
(minor) Edges Block
Gear Chainsaw (damage: 2d6+4), Pump action shotgun
(range: 12/24/48, damage: 3d6/2d6/1d6, RoF 1), Kevlar
vest (+2 armor/+4 armor vs. bullets), Pack of matches,
Backpack, $45 in trade goods (toilet paper and beer)

34

Doom Nun or Hellfire Preacher

I kick ass for the Lord! Or just because kicking ass feels
goooood.
Agility d6, Smarts d6, Spirit d8, Strength d6, Vigor d6
Skills Faith d8, Fighting d6, Healing d8, Notice d6,
Shooting d6, Persuasion d6
Charisma 0; Pace 6; Parry 5; Toughness 5
Hindrances Poverty, Heroic, Loyal Edges Arcane
Background (Miracles), Healer
Gear Derringer pistol (range: 5/10/20, damage 2d6+1,
RoF 1, AP 1), Backpack, Hollowed-out Bible, $50 in trade
goods (toilet paper and beer)
Power Points 10 Miracles Healing, Smite

Dr. Satan or Nurse Lilith

Bodies tend to come apart with alarming frequency on
Planet Motherfucker. Arms get ripped off, torsos get riddled
with bullets, legs get run over by motorbikes...stitching all
that human mess back together is just part of the gig, Doc.
Agility d8, Smarts d8, Spirit d8, Strength d4, Vigor d6
Skills Fighting d6, Healing d8, Investigation d6,
Lockpicking d6, Knowledge (science) d6,
Shooting d6, Repair d6
Charisma 0; Pace 6; Parry 5; Toughness 5
Hindrances Vengeful (minor), Wanted (major), Quirk
Edges Healer, Brave
Gear Hypodermic pistol (range: 5/10/20, damage 2d6+1,
RoF 1, AP 1), Backpack, First aid kit, Stained medical
diploma, $100 in trade goods (toilet paper and beer)

35

Facebreaker
You're a hulking brute whose bulging muscles ache to break
faces. Everything in the world looks like a nail to you
because you're hammer ready to swing. You might not enjoy
brutalizing others (but then again this is Planet
Motherfucker so you just might) but it's something you
absolutely excel at. Hey, if you've got the gift, might as well
use it.
Agility d6, Smarts d4, Spirit d6, Strength d10, Vigor d6
Skills Fighting d8, Intimidation d6, Shooting d6,
Streetwise d6, Taunt d4, Throwing d6, Notice d4
Charisma 0; Pace 6; Parry 6; Toughness 5
Hindrances Mean, Stubborn, Enemy (major) Edges
Brawler
Gear Baseball bat with nails driven through it (damage:
d10+d6), Peacemaker pistol (range: 12/24/48, damage
2d6+1, RoF 1, AP 1), Tattoo that says Rosie, Backpack

Killer Clown
After the trauma, you realized that all the world is one big
absurd joke. You also felt the need to paint your face like a
harlequin and dress in jester's motleyhey, if the world
makes fools of us all, why not double down on being a fool?
Life is short and you want to show the goodly people of
Planet Motherfucker how to laugheven as they choke on
their own blood.
Agility d8, Smarts d6, Spirit d6, Strength d6, Vigor d6
Skills Climbing d6, Fighting d6, Lockpicking d6,
Notice d6, Stealth d8, Streetwise d6, Taunt d6
Charisma 0; Pace 6; Parry 5; Toughness 5
Hindrances Poverty, Curious, Wanted (minor) Edges
Assassin, Thief
Gear Fireman's axe (damage: d6+d8), Lockpicks,
Squirting flower on lapel

36

Living Dead Girl

OR TEENAGE FRANKENSTEIN
Some sickocoulda been a mad scientist or a voodoo
mamabrought you back from the dead. Now that you've
got a second chance at life, you're gonna meet all the
people you can. Live your (second) life to the fullest, you
know? Bump-n-grind 'til you're ground meat.
Agility d6, Smarts d8, Spirit d6, Strength d6, Vigor d6
Skills Fighting d6, Investigation d8, Notice d8,
Persuasion d6, Shooting d6, Streetwise d8
Charisma 0; Pace 6; Parry 5; Toughness 5
Hindrances Phobia (minor), Habit (minor), All Thumbs
Edges Connections, Investigator
Gear Claw hammer (damage: d6+d6), Colt .45 (range:
12/24/48, damage: 2d6+1, RoF 1, AP 1), Backpack, Big
black boots

Murican Witch or Murican

Warlock
It was when your back was against the proverbial wall that
you first heard the voice. Make the pact, it said, and
you'll have all the power you need to make your foes beg
for mercy. And make the pact you did, signed in blood and
sent to a devil without hesitation. And boy did hearing your
foes plea for their miserable lives sound excellent.
Agility d4, Smarts d10, Spirit d8, Strength d4, Vigor d4
Skills Fighting d4, Investigation d4, Knowledge
(arcana) d6, Notice d6, Spellcasting d10,
Shooting d6, Persuasion d6
Charisma 0; Pace 6; Parry 4; Toughness 5 (1)
Hindrances Big Mouth, Quirk, Clueless Edges Arcane
Background (Magic), New Power, Power Points
Gear Ritual dagger (damage: d4+d4), Colt .45 (range:
12/24/48, damage: 2d6+1, RoF 1, AP 1), Leather cloak
(armor +1), Backpack, Book of Shadows, $175 in trade
goods (toilet paper and beer)
Power Points 15 Spells Armor, Blind, Bolt, Confusion

37

Rat Fink
You are a five-foot-and-then-some mutant rat. (Toxic dayglo fur optional.) It's tough being a freak, even in a freaky
world. You get by on animal magnetism...and by theft,
deceit, and general scumbagitude. That's aight, as soon as
the gig is up you can always fly out of town in your trickedout hot rod.
Agility d6, Smarts d6, Spirit d6, Strength d6, Vigor d6
Skills Driving d8, Fighting d6, Notice d6, Shooting d6,
Repair d6, Stealth d6, Streetwise d6
Charisma -2; Pace 6; Parry 5; Toughness 5
Hindrances Outlaw, Yellow, Greedy (minor) Edges
Ace, Quick
Gear Peacemaker pistol (range: 12/24/48, damage 2d6+1,
RoF 1, AP 1), Tool kit, Crowbar, Backpack, $50 in trade
goods (toilet paper and beer)

Road Warrior or Biker Babe

Ah, the open road and a sawed-off shotgun. You'll lead your
people to the promised land one way or another.
Agility d6, Smarts d6, Spirit d8, Strength d4, Vigor d6
Skills Fighting d6, Intimidation d6, Knowledge
(roadways) d6, Notice d6, Persuasion d6,
Shooting d6, Driving d6, Survival d4
Charisma 0; Pace 6; Parry 5; Toughness 6 (1)
Hindrances Hard of Hearing (minor), Enemy (major),
Deathwish Edges Command, Natural Leader
Gear Peacemaker pistol (range: 12/24/48, damage 2d6+1,
RoF 1, AP 1), Survival knife (damage: d4+d4, +1 to
Survival rolls), Leather jacket (+1 armor), Bottle of
gasoline, Backpack, $150 in trade goods (toilet paper and
beer)

38

Weird Scientist
Science can do anything. It can bring people together, make
their lives better, and potentially restore Planet
Motherfucker back to the way it used to be. But sometimes
you get sidetracked by scientifically engineering some
rockin' pulchritude.
Agility d6, Smarts d8, Spirit d6, Strength d4, Vigor d6
Skills Investigation d4, Knowledge (science) d8, Notice
d6, Repair d8, Shooting d6, Piloting d4, Weird Science d8
Charisma 0; Pace 6; Parry 4; Toughness 5
Hindrances Clueless, Wanted (minor), Quirk Edges
Arcane Background (Weird Science), New Power,
Gadgeteer
Gear Peacemaker pistol (range: 12/24/48, damage 2d6+1,
RoF 1, AP 1), Tool kit, Goggles, Backpack, $50 in trade
goods (toilet paper and beer)
Power Points 10 Devices Raygun (Bolt, 10 PP),
Mentalism helmet (Mind Reading, 10 PP)

39

Toilet Paper and Beer

I picture Planet Motherfucker not having a cash economy.
Since everything has gone all post-apocalyptic, it would be
barter and trade instead. Which means that the most
precious commodities would be toilet paper and beer. These
are the major trade goods of Planet Motherfucker.
I guess if you really want to have paper money these
monster bucks would be appropriate:

40

Game Master Advice

How to Run Planet
Motherfucker

Picture the above image of a distortion pedal in your head.

Imagine yourself turning all of the dials to 11.

You're ready now.

41

42