HOMEGROWN

floriannemagdalenarizzotti
alessandrajuliarizzotti
shawnsullivan(unrelated)

Florianne,Alessandrasgrandma,taughtherselfhowtowritebyreadingLouisaMay
AlcottsLittleWomen.ThroughAlessandrasharingsomeofherpoemsonInstagram,
Shawnleftacommentaskinghertoworkwithhimonthisbook.

AlessandraandShawnliveinLosAngelesbutnevertalkIRL.
Hereswhatacopyrightlookslike.
Thisis:feelings.

MyWhetMyWit

Somepeopleidlesslysitandchat
Icarenotforthat.
Otherssitandknit
Oh,Itried,Iadmit.
Mywhetisformeandering
Mywitisforphilanthroping
Manylifetimeshavepassedon,
Alongwiththem,hoursnotborn.
Ilovebeingme
Eversogladtobe.
Thisbeingmytrainofthoughts,
Mydestinationisnowbeingsought.
Somewherewhoknows,where?
Sometimeswhoknows,when?
Someone,whoknowswho
Willfindmylineage
Theiracquaintances

[Ed. Note: The poem Florianne wrote wayback when

that inspired us today to make this bookand relateto
eachotherthroughpoetry.]

aprefaceofsorts

in the womb, my parents played mozart, and this i think gave me some sort of musical
mind. ialwaysthought in rhythms.when iwas aninfant, up untilIwasatoddler,myfather
would play Michael Jackson and My Girl and Stevie Nicks and we would dance,
vigorously, rolling on the floor, somersaulting about. i found mypersonality inmy feet, on
the kitchenfloor, sometimesdancingtoLaBambaandMadonna,shakingmyheadtoand
fro, sassy. MTV wasahuge influenceandsometimesmademethinkicouldbeapop star.
ididimpressionswearingmidriffbaringtopswithpolkadots andruffles.ilikedthinkingiwas
theB52sasin,thewholeband.

i was singing opera at an early age, at first in front of the bathroom mirror, making up
random gibberish Italian like words, then prayers in Hebrew School choir, then with a
private coach who said i had potential to be something more, but i never believed it and
when i failed at singing the soloand harmonies inThe Magic Flute, i sortagave up and
became tone deaf.exceptnot really.i think itsstillin me tosing,im justout of practice. i
oncegot to singasoloat AliceTellyHall and reallymovedthejudges.theymentionedme
specifically. it was a song about brush strokes on a canvas, which by the way i also
dabbled in painting and pastels at an early age, mostly drawing farm animals,elephants,
parrots,sometimesstilllifepeaches,neverstraightlines.

but this wasallafteri wasachild model andcommercialactress. mymotherreallywanted

to capitalize onmy naturallycurly hair at age threeinordertoraisemoneyforcollege.she
was theonly working parentand it wasastress ofhersto thinkofmyfuture.soshemade
sure to curl every ringlet aroundherfingers, everyday,dressingmein$80fluffyEuropean
dresses, just to prove i was worthy of being on camera. which i was, many times. for
example, i had to water a giant mechanical flower in the desert for ahighendJapanese
dress commercial, then was in Rolling Stone Magazine posing as a flower girl for
FleetwoodMac (Fleetwood wasin a weddingdress). i was almostcast in In LivingColor
singingI SawThe Signby AceofBaseand ioncespentawholedayeatingcookiesfora
Pillsbury Doughboy commercial (itaired at theAcademy Awardsand paidfor mybraces).
lateridevelopedanunhealthyaddictiontodonutholes.

iwas compared to Shirley Templeoften.thiswas whyi wrote an autobiography abouther

in the shape of a tap shoe for my second grade final project. i was also sometimes
mistaken forablack child, playing Dorothy in The Wiz,whichistotallyinappropriate,now
that i look back on that. thankfully most of the musicals i starred in were Jewish
interpretations of Disney movies (more appropriate). for Purim, we did a rendition of
Aladdin and I was Jasmine, except really Esther, the Queen of Persia, who hid her

Judaismand idontreallyremembertherest, but this got theattention of a USC grad film

student and he usedmeasanarratorforhisfilmaboutPurimanditstiestotheHolocaust.
thissparkedmyinterestintheideaofmakingmovies,becauseisawyoucouldmeldsound
tovisualsintotallymixedupwaysandstillcomeoutwithastory.

my mother and i watched movies (except cartoons) every weekend in the Century City
AMC theater, now the Wakefield Plaza, eating Panda Express or InNOut illegally while
the movies played, the plastic and paper rustling and making me embarrassed. i think
Batman was my first movie. i cried and had to leave, though. my first name actually
comes from the sound designer ofRocky, whowas actually named Alessandro,but they
feminized it. Rocky is now my favoritemovie,the firstonethat is. that andBeetlejuice.
for somereasoni had acrush onMichaelKeaton, but onlyin thatmovie. other influences
includedRainbow Bright and MyLittle Pony,justso you knowhow sophisticated iwas.
atleastmyneighborRobinunderstoodmewhennooneelsewould.

Robin was really imaginative. shemadeup storiesaboutsnow eagles andmanatees and

we would play every day, building forts in the house, going out to the backyard to make
tunnels out of cardboard boxes. on Halloween, wed cover the walls with trash bagsand
watch horror films all night under caves we constructed out ofpillows. so, she wasreally
the reason for my imagination. i even said so in myseventhgradeessay about themost
influentialpersonin my life, which washer. she was thereasoni gotthebestincreativity
andbest in writingawards inmiddleschool,oddlyenoughformypoemICan,IWill.but,
when she got sexual and started trying to make out with every boy i liked, our games
stopped andi losttrustinmycreativityandfoundmyselfthinkingihadtobepracticalabout
my future, which couldnt be in poetry, but instead filmmaking? somehow i thought that
wouldlead me toabetter career. and soiwenttofilmschoolbutihateditandkeptwriting
poetry and short stories and when a guy i was obsessed with said i was good at telling
stories,i believedthat writingwasmything.ishouldhavebelieveditonmyown,butdidnt.
imean,ireallyshouldhaveknown.

as a kid, i once rewrote Charlottes Web in pencil and crayon, but made it even more
depressing, killing off Charlotte threetimes.thenI wrote a novel infifthgradeaboutagirl
who died on the Oregon Trail. she was like Anne Frank of theWest,butshecaused her
problems byfollowing agoldstudded dreamto California, wrought with ground sloths.the
computer game Oregon Trail inspired it.i illustratedalot ofitonKidPix but then decided
thattheteastainedpaperihandwroteitonwasmoreauthentic.

whichbrings meto the twotimesialmostdied.(badtransition,iknow,butalmostdyingled

to morewriting).the firsttimeiwasshakenalmosttodeathintheNorthridgeearthquake.a
bookshelf almostfell ontopofmeasidoveunderatabletogetshelter.andwhenwewere
all recoveringfromthe traumaof this, whenourgasstovewas leaking andthe foundation
of our house collapsed, itemporarilystartedhangingatmyfriendDesireeshouse,wherei
learned about the joys of swimming at night, getting pruny, then latertakinghotshowers
with five shampoos and watching B movies the ones set at summer camps that totally
might as wellhave beensoftcoreporn.shelaterhadherdadcastmeasakaratekidinthe
CmovieBloodsport II:The Next Kumite.itwasnt a SAGfilm, but iwas SAG,so ihadto
lie to everyone that we flew to Thailand to shoot it. this wasaridiculous thing my mother
mademedo.

anyways,the secondtimei almost diedwas falling 60feet off a cliff inMalibu. thisiswhat
led me to do standup in a neckbrace, telling bad jokes about being broken,
emotionally:physically. it wasadead endtype of gig, becausehealinggavemelesstotalk
about, orsoithought.imean,ireallydidntthinkthatiwasinterestingwithoutmywounds.i
ended up writing articles about people doing good for the world,soi made thatmore my
thing instead. now id also like to make an impact, maybe through the novel im writing
about the mental health of my family. perhaps it will raise awareness about when to not
have children. its really all up in the air, though, what i do with the words i write. butas
death is looming in all my thoughts as cancer grows in my father (a man i just
reconnected with three years ago),iamgrievingandprocessingit,andthatiswhathasled
me here,to tell bits ofthisstory inthisbook,youmaynotice from timeto time.im almost
hoping for the sadness to be gone once my parents die, but that wont happen unless i
make personal selfhelp life changes, which is an art of its own, a delicate balance of
patience and acceptance of mysteries, learning that not everything is in my control, and
thatisok.itisgood.

CaptainsQuarters

Myoldmandidn'twantitonthefrontdoorofhisapartment
"Itllgetunnecessaryattention,"hesaid
SoInailedittothefootofhisberth
Agoldheavymetalsignthatread
Captain'sQuarters
Hopingthatwouldgivehim
Dignityinhisdreams
Maybesethimassail
Butcrevicesinhisbay
Collectdust
Andthemaststandstall,
Emptycoffeecanspilingup
Hebuildsthehelmwithcardboardboxes
Foodwithshelflife
Waterbottleswithoutcaps
Themastheadismadeofpremiummacaroni
Glutenfree,tricolorveggie
HeaskedifIwantedtoaccess
Theescapehatch
Betweenthepilesofnewspapers
Sciencebooks
Andbaseballhats
Fromthestarboardtotheporthole
Wherethesailgotcaughtinthesickbay
Wewontgotoseatillhefindshisfeet

gimmeadaytothinkaboutthis,illtellyouwhenthedayishappening

thingis,imonlymadattwelvedaysfromthismonthsofar
mmm,todaysthethirteenthandwhocanguesswhatsahead

althoughimustsay,imtremendouslypissedatmycurrentday
days,youknow,madatmydays
peopleimassorryforthemastheyareforme,thatallthisishappening
ohitsawful,somuchdrama,onegrowstiredofiteventually
ifonedoesntgrowtiredofitimmediately,whichistypical

soimmadatmydays,idrathernottalkaboutit
thetideispulledbythemoonandthatshowiamtoo

MovingOut

Whenwetalkabouthowtodividethebelongings
Lightrefractsfromourprism
Arainbowappears
Idetach
Youfeelgone,Isay
"Iamstillhere,"hesays,handtoheart
Glowingwhite
Hislonglegsdanglelikespidersacrosstheottoman
Iamholdingaboxofbooks,heavylikegold
Dustflies
Iimagineshamrocks
Themoverswalkin
ThiswillfeelbetterwhenIhaveeatenThaifoodtakeout
Hewilldrownhissorrowsinthewinemybrotherboughtus
"Whydidntyouwait?"heasks
"Icouldntbaretoseemyselfstay,"Isay
Hesayshewilllovemeforever
Luckytohaveknownmeforfiveyears
Mystomachsinks
Theblindsclose
Themoverscomein
Isthatit?
WakeUp

Inthemorning
Inormallyhearthefan
Overeverything
Buttoday
Anangryflockofseagulls
Foughtoveraparkinglot
Sorareinacity
Notbyanocean
Itmademerealize
ThatevenifIwasnt
WhereIwantedtobe,
Icouldmigrateanywhere
Andstillbeunsatisfied

intensefeelingswhenmyeyesopen

rightawayinthemorninguponwaking
lifeisapoemasapageinmyhead
(inmyopinion)
mostlywhatshappeningis
remembrancesofadreamfrommyrecentsleep
wheniwasabletolovepeoplewhoaregonefrommylife

OutsideInside

Istrappedseashellsovermyearsandback
Iworethemlikearmor
Itremindedmeofwhenwewerehermits
Fightingbattles,clawinglikecrabs
LatelyIfeellikemyskinisleather
Nomanwillfindmebeautifulunless70,
Drinkingbourbon,wearingaChristmashat
Itsnotpleasing,
Swimmingoutsideyourhouseboat

Age

1
Inthefrontyard
Theycutatreedown
Notyet100rings
Antswouldburythemselvestodeath
Inthemaple,squirmingtofeelagain
Itookthetrunktositon

2
AndwhenIwanted
Tofeelbigagain
Ipluckedaleaffromanothertreesbranch
Helditupintheair
Andwaitedforthewindto
Takemeup
Untilitneverdid

MakingShadowsintheSnow

Blustrywindshavesubsided,
Whirlingsnowhasceased
Grayskiesarenowblue
Thesunshinesanew

Thismorningshoursarecalm
Thewhitesnowissettled
Westandandlookabout
Itisawondroussight,
Makingshadowsinthesnow

Shovelsandbroomsinhand,
Weattempttoclearapath
Toreachbusystreets
Makingshadowsinthesnow

Alone

Thechimes outsidethe kitchenette hanging by thehummingbird feeder putmeinadream

and when I wake I feel the beating sunshine hit me red through the the stained glass
windows on the neon floralcouchpink,green,yellow.Itisthefirsttimeitfeelslikehome.I
crack the blindstoseethecitrusbloodorangeontheleftlemononthe right.Irestmyfeet
in the cushion of the Persiancarpet,myhands on theupright piano, sunhittingthetop of
my headasI let my voicedirectthenotes,orviceversa.Ionlyletitlastafewminutesuntil
I hit the couch again, wishing someone wouldopen thedoorand say,Im home,honey.
Butthisquietsolitudeisserenityandbeingaloneisntlonely.

inmysoultheresadiscoballwithfacetsofmymemory

passingbeyondfamilyvideosdarkpurplecurtain
intotheareareservedforpeoplewhowanttogetfreaky
meandmycousinabby,whoarelikethat,itsafamilytrait
werekidsheadedintothehorrorandscifivhssection
selecting
ghidrah,thethreeheadedmonster
and
sonofgodzilla
thenpackingourselvesinacarforatriptolexington,kentucky
wheremymotherownsadatingbusiness:matchmakerinternational

atnightinourhotelwehookourvcrtothetube,watchmovies
vaguelyawaregodzillaisfromthelandofnintendo
thenwhilelexingtonandthesunbegintheirdaysoutsideourwindows
inthemorningweplay
rampage
onournintendoentertainmentsystem

sitting in waldenbooksreading stephen king books, cousinabby and i(visit

thearcadesometimes)turnpagesforhoursuntilmymotherfindsus
tellsuslongagosheaskedsecuritytolookfortheboywith
longhairthatsnevercombed...messyhair

which happens years after the lexington hotel. happens when my mother
owns a retail store, chantilly lane, inside a mall, fairfield commons, in
beavercreek, ohio. here i spend days after middleschool traveling back
hallways, getting a kick out of the super mario 64 demo inside sears,
stealing from claires small stuffed alligators, examining blacklights at
spencers,andconsideringbrookstonesomekindofadultpleasurecove

thenfurtherintothefuture
chantillylane,whichlosesmoney,closes
samewithmatchmakerinternational
abbystudiesartincollege,becomesamanageratchilis
marriesandmovestolouisville,kentucky
mymothersleepsonacouchinafriendshomeinlagunabeach,california
upahillfacingthepacific
inlosangelesaloneinmybedroomiwriteapoemaboutabby,godzilla
mymother,stephenking
etc.

xx

Bedroom

Mom painted the walls aqua and strung Christmas lights around the ceiling. Magenta,
green, orange,blue. High school was fortactlesscreativity.AChineseumbrellahungoffin
one corner, a European mask on the wall, a dollhouse I designed on atable againstthe
wall, my Blink 182 collage on the door. It was eclectic. Unique. The glowinthedark
stars made me stay up at night. Sometimes Id see ghosts or fairies on the ceiling, but
really it wasjustthefire alarm blinking.At5am, mom wouldwakeuptotheradio,muffled
words so loud against the stomp stomp of the stepaerobics,I couldnt go backto bedtill
her shower would make me driftoff inmeditationbutfor tenminutes. Andthenitwas my
time togo toschool, cold, hairstill wetfromthe showerthe nightbefore,Tshirtclingingto
myback.

thenduringtheworst

whilewhatsheavypullsapersondown
sinksaperson
whiletheworsthappens
stilltherearecasualbreezesoncoolandquietnights
tuckedawayfromprivatenarrativesand
outsideeveryonescerebralcourtrooms
momentsthatmeannothingtotheaudience:itreasurethem
notragedynomessagenomeaningnowaynohow
byaccidentifindsolacealonewhilewanderingsidewalks
nowandthen
hereandthere
perhapswithagoodlaughattheendofthispoem
usconsideringthepossibilityofcrackinguprightnow
usdeliberatingtheideathateverythingishilarious
ohhhh...ifitweretrue!


ClimateChange

Themoonwas
Burningpinkorangelikeagrapefruit,
Itssizemoresunlike,
Rotund,largerthannormal
Ithoughttheworldwasending
Whiledrivingtomytherapistsoffice
Becauseearlierthatday,
Aplasticbagfulloflettuce
Burneduponthekitchensink,smoking
Becausetheheatoutsidepenetratedthewindow
Likeamagnifyingglasshittinganant
AndwhenIarrived
Ifelttheendofsomething
Butwasntsureifitwas
Goodorbad

BuildingforTwo

youareaflower
inthecrackofmydriveway
thecaulk
toaholeinmywall
idliketowallpaperyoursmile
tomyroom
plastermyhandto
yourarm
sauderourhearts
intoone

BootingOutSectionAResidentstoBuyAnotherBuilding

Letslaydownthefacts
Twofamilies
Mustrelocate
Fromoneapartment
Bytomorrow
Becausetherent
Isdoubling
Anditsallmybrothersfault
Thequestionis
HowdoItellfamily
ThatIdontbelieve
Intheiractions?
Thatwhattheyredoingtotheircommunity
Doesntalign
Withtheirloveforme?

Boxes

Myfatherhas193cardboardboxeslininghisapartmentwalls
Insulation,hecallsit
Thrownoutofhisstorageunit
Theboxesstaymoldy,fullofhistory
Box125hasahospitalgownheworeduringmybirth
"Theseboxesarefirehazards,"Isay
Theyblockpassagesweshouldbeabletowalkthrough
Buthecantgetridofthembecause
Eachone
Hoardsmemories
Givinghimmeaning
Givingmeopportunitiestolearnmore
Thereisordertothechaos,though
Hisinventorylistisnumberedandcolorcoded
Boxes2529areallmemoriesfrom
WhenhewasatuxedostoremanagerinBeverlyHills
DressingMauryPovich,Shaq,MichaelJackson
Whenhefeltaccomplished
Whenautographsservedasrecommendationletters
ThereisoneVHSofmeasababy
Andhundredsofphotosofhismustachesmiling
Thenthephotosgetlonelyinboxes4552
Becausethatiswhenheleft
Anddidntcomeback
Therearemorebooksthanthings
Morepaperclippingsthanletters
Morehatsandjacketsthanpictures
Thetruevalueexistsinonlyfourboxes
ButIlethimkeepwhathehasbecause
Thisisthefirsttime
Heisnottransient
Thefirsttime
Everythingheowns
Isinoneplace

thisexcuseihaveforfeelinggoodsometimesimmentioning

clubmusic
currentlymeansalottomyemotions

ilistentoitfrequently
thoughihaventbeendancinginclubsmorenowthaninmypast
asinivebarelygonetodanceclubsatall
ever,theyterrifyme,and
mydancestyle
embarrassing!
icantreadthewordsinouruniversesdanceguidebook
andiwasntbornadancegod(ughck)

butikeeptryingandlying,keeptryingtotelleveryonethis:
imaginarily,ibuiltmyowninventeddancestyle,its
nonphysical,complicated

abittrickytoexplain
thisdanceinmyhead
whichiperformformyselfandothers
regularly

andicantturnmyselfintomydanceshologramonthefloor
igotaglitchyhologrammachineinmysoul
thatstoobadforbothofus

ithinkaboutthingslikethiswhilelisteningtoclubmusic
a.k.a.pop/electronic/dancemusic
whichstatementisverifiedbythefact
thispoemisbeingwrittenwhileilistento
aclubmusicplaylistiassembledonspotify

(thewritermaintainsthatthementionedplaylist
waspresentduringallstagesofthispoems
development,includingitsedit.foryourinformation.)

battlingagainstwhatbringsonedown
a.k.a.imaginingafriendwithwhomihavethismoment

1
2
yes,and

alsotheresthebad...
mmmhmm
whichiwannafightagainst...
...yup,totally
[stompsfoot]
[nods]
itry,everytimeiseethebad,itrytofightit

cool
and...well,iagree

...pagesinmyheart...fightsdontalwaysdogoodthemselves

soundslike...iagreesomefightsbecomethebad,perpetuateit,helpitendure...
....then,too
e.g.feelingbadcanbeabadfightagainstthisworld
[nodshead]
...sowhenitexistsforlonger

imlistening
ithentrytofightitmore...

3
4
itrytomakethebadlesseverywhereand...sure,illhavesomelemonade...
allthetime,always...idook...
greatidea,thanks.
noyeah,yourerightaboutthat...oh,thingscangetworse
pointlessfightsinmylifehavetaughtmeandonecangetstronger...
cantwinabattlethatwasntabattleinthefirstplacedoyoulikedinosaurs?

trytofindthegoodfightsworthhaving...letschatforlongerlater...
trynottoletthingsifidonthelpbringyoudown.

[whistles]

[claps]

getmetwisted,salty
any...youchoose
orsnotty
whicheveryoudcallyourfavoritedinosaur...


lets not disturb productivity with feelings, but isnt talking about them
productive,sometimes?

Ifeelathometalkingaboutfeelings
Asin,mymostsereneplaceisinthefeelingsspace
ButthatsnothowIwasraised
No,talkingaboutfeelingswasnotpossible
Withtherents
Ifeelathometalkingaboutwhattrapsme
BecauseallIwantistogetitout
Leaveitbythedoor
Likethosecharityletterswithaddresslabels
LikethoseflyersinSpanishaboutJesus
Likethosecouponsforpizzatakeout
ButitsnotlikeIwoulddiscardthem,necessarily
JustgentlyletthemknowthatIcouldletgoofthem
Maybesetthemablazeinafireplace
Thatwouldbeproductive
Totalk
Thenletgo
Thatsprogress,right?
Iwouldfeelathomedoingthat
Notharpingonthefeelings
Justharpooningthem
Butletsnoteatthemup,ok?

icantforgettoremember

itisnt
itis
itisnt
itis

ihadathought
foramoment
andthethoughts
andthemoment
arenowgone
whatgoodami?

atnightinlosangeles

thiscitysfinetomehoweveritisonwhatevernightweretalkingabout
itsmostexcitingandworksbestformewhenitbehaveshoweveritwantstobehave

sinceanywayipictureallthiseverythinghappening(theworld)asatropicalstorm
andallonecandoispictureeveryonegoingthroughthesamestorm


imthankingyouformybeliefinothers

thereisloveallaroundus
itsthesharing,thatismostdifficult
orsoitseems
weacceptthestormsforwhattheyare
weacceptsunshineforwhatitis
weaccepttherainforwhatitbrings

inspiredcondolences

withthestrengthyouendowed,
imanagedtopassthisday
myheartwasheavy,
myheadwasablur
theyearningtogiveup
wasgreat
imurmuredthisisitandivehadit
butitwasonlymetalking
thenirememberedhowyou
trippedandfell
acrossandwalkedagain
thecrossyoucarried
addedtoyourplight
theydidntknowwrongfromright
uponyoudying
yougavemebirth,
illfacetomorrowwithoutselfsorrow,
believinginyou,illcarryon
trustinginyou,icantgowrong

wind
tryingsohard
toblowyou
tononexistence

iamreal
iamalive
ihavethedutytoperform
justbeingme

perplexingincidentsinlifethatare,infact,unremarkableandpotentiallywonderful

cantrememberifitwasamicroscopeoratelescopeithinkitwasaperiscope
notmuchofascientist,thoughifinditallquitefascinating
visitnationalgeographic.comeveryday
andican'trecallifiusedamicroscopeorakaleidoscopeoragyroscope
astroboscopeoranoscilloscope,perhapsastethoscope
oh,oh,oh.iremembernowitwasmyhoroscope

offtopic:
Idreamofutopiabecauseofcourseidreamofparadise
dystopiasaretomeredundantlytheworstofnowandalways
youimaginetheworstaslastingforever,youdothat
mayitbethatthesunonedaycracksthroughyourclouds
andpiercingsunshinegivesenergytoyourgroundforlifeandbirth
b
utifnot,well
irecommendregularlywatchingpostapocalypticmoviesforreminders
tostaystrongandkindduringhardtimes

handsup

handsup
whatarewegoingtodothismorning
whatarewegoingtodowithourhands?
shallweplaythepiano?plinkytinkletee
orthedrums?barompbarompbaromp
ortheflute?deedlydeedlydee
ohohohohhandsup
whatshallwedo?
shallwepaintapicture?slipslipsloop
ormodelwithclay?clipclapclop
orcutwithscissors?snippitysnippitysnip
ohohohohhandsup
whatshallwedo?
wethinkitiswise,tostarttheday
withfoldedhandsandpray
thankinggodforoursafety
thrubothdayandnight
thankinggodforourcaring

sowemay,inthisway
startourday
handsup

(maybeillmakethisintoabookorsong)

idislikebeingcalleda

nonprofessional
goodhomemakers
arefew

BoyleHeights

Thisisacityofimmigrants
Eventhewhalesthatwereherefirstcamefromsomewhereelse
Themastodonsmovedthemout,agentrificationoftheocean
Thateventuallybecameconcrete
WW2broughttheJewsandJapanese,replacedbyMexicans
Mariachiuniforms
Lambstew
Streettacos
Frommovietheaterstojeanshops
Shulstogalleries
Departmentstorestovacantlots
Anidentitycrisisinflux
Mybrotherwouldntlivehere
ButImostcertainlywould
ItsjustthewhitewashingIcantaccept

excerptsofaletter

Torrential,nottheword
Fiercelyoffonrain
Gallonsandgallons
Floodingthestreets
Rushingpastourdomain
Tosettlewherethecarswereparked
Andappeartobefloating


ontheothersideofthephone

heseemshappy
younger
thesmileisthere
eveninthehospital
becauseheson
zoloft
cancermeds
painrelievers
andtookadump

iamskeptical,though
ofthehealing
howlongwillitlast
tillheneedsme
tolifthim
fromhischair
pullonTshirtsandelasticpants

lastweekheheldmyhand
forthefirsttimeintwentytwoyears
itwasaweakgrip
intheWalgreens
asIchangedhisDepends

iwantmore
butthatcouldhavebeenit
hisdeathdaymightbethesameyear
asLeonardNimoys

theneighborkid

diggingaholeinthefrontyard
withthefrontofhisskateboard
iaskedwhathewaslookingfor
gold,hesaid.
butthedirtwashard,impenetrable
notevenflowerscouldgrowthere
igaveanencouragingnod
goodluck
laterhepulledoutarock
withagoldspec
theotherkidsintheneighborhoodcrowdedaround
thiswastheiranswer
hewastheirhero

sincethisconversationwontinrealitytakeplacebetweenus

likewhenaneighborleavesontheiralarm
(!)
clock
withoutthemrealizingtheydid,andwhiletheyregonetheirnoisepersists
puncturesmysilence,keepsmeawake,pestersme

myemotionshavebeenlikethatinmybodywhileivebeenalone
aringingalarmthatdisquietsmydays,troublesmythoughts
withnooneemergingtoswitchthealarmoffandicantreachitmyself
awindowwastried,turnedouttoberidiculous,tooshytocallalocksmith

wannarepeat:noonescomingtoturnthealarmoff
suchwastoldtomeonedayinacarridethathappenedbydumbluck
pureknottychanceandacemeteryatmosphere
bymatterofsimultaneous,unrelatedobjectivesforeachpersonsday
onamorningwellafterourfirstgoodbyes
shetoldmereturningtomewouldbemovingbackwardsforher
sheremindedusofmyimperfections,spokeofhercurrenthappiness
whatfirstmademefeelbetterisiveseenbritishmovieswiththistheme
heresthetheme:thelivingrealityofbeinghumanandhowterriblethatis
grippingstuffdramatically,outrageouslynormal,happenstoeveryone
whichisbothexactlytrueandalittleoff.tolstoywroteaboutit:
annakarenina
,whichsayseachunhappyfamilyisunhappyinitsownway
butstillpeoplethinktheyknowhowothershurt,i.e.notenoughpeopleread

backtowhatiwassaying:bythecurbinfrontofmyplace
adarkcrystalshardofmewashungbeneathherrearviewmirror
wewonderedwhatbehindusandwithinmeisevenworthadamn
thenshetoldme,duringtheafifilmfestivalwhichwedgonetotogether
infactshedprintedmytickets
(thiswasbeforethanksgivingwhenshemetmysisterandnieces)
shemetaguywhoiswhatshewantsandneeds

myemotionsthatday/today:absurd,incomprehensible
thisfelt/feelstomeasbadasitsounds
destinedforexaggerativehyperboleinmyemotions
thisgothicstoryclingingasagargoyleinsideme

oftheexgirlfriendswholiveinmyhearttheresnowoneghost

irememberwhenyousneezedonacat.

quietrunninginhotelhallwaysatnight.
fantesterrificopeningline:Itwasabadone,thewinterof1933.
theplaysectionofbookstoresbecausethosepeopleunderstandpageantry.
anytimeanybody getstobecalmandmellowdrivingstreetslisteningtotheir
favoritemusic.
scientistswhoprovideemotionalexplanationsfortheirfieldofstudy.
the neighborhood outdoor cat, this orange and white domesticated chiller
badassonhayworthdayandnight.
thefactthatf.scottfitzgeralddiedoutsideahomeonhayworth.
splashes of neon and more from more and other bright artificial city lights
that give a clear fake glow, bulbs and glass as thesun inaday, but more
laid back since it's imaginary and i prefer the quietness of nights, the
swaying of palm trees and the moon being in some type of shape or
whatever,pluseverythingnotbeingmentioned.
situationsinvolvingtripstofarms(bonus:animalencounters).
anybody who can whistle the song i cant remember the name of, then
provide the name of the song, then invite me to their house on sunday
wherewelleatprettysolidbbqfoodandhaveanalrightdaytogether.
iadorekmartrealismandpeoplewhounadorekmartrealism.
soundslikeitsoundsasitfeelslikeitfeelswhileitshappening.
little tokyo in downtown losangeles, especially communitykaraokeoutside
the grocery store in the courtyard and this areas secondfloor restaurant
withitshappyhourmenu.
goodbye blue monday, revisiting vonnegut, kilgore troutbeingfromdayton
ohio,sturgeonslawof90%crap.
thinking about the san andreas fault while watching manglehorn at the
sundance theater on sunset,feelingfor a moment likemyseatistrembling,
which causes me to wonder if an earthquake is happening but actually it
turnsouteverythingisokandidontneedtoworryaboutthisrightnow.
ihavetroubletrustingapersonwhowonteatatadinerwithme.

seekthetruthandnothingbutthetruth

asthereflectionofnaturesgrandeuriscapturedbythestillwater,sotooisaglimpseof
infinitycapturedbyastillmind


butiworry

i made him outto besomeonereallyintellectual and strongand exciting in

mymind
someone who could lift me up while waxing on about foraging for
mushrooms and peddling organically churned ice cream on a handmade
bamboobike
whichsoundsridiculous,iknow
butitsafantasy
thatmakestherealityjustplainandboring
theusual
i think of someone as having a hyphenated career like psychologist of
chromaexperiencedesignwithinterestslikeinvisiblestreetart
andthenitturnsouttheyreunemployedanddontbelieveinhardwork
iexpectthemtofulfilltheexpectationsihadofmyself
sotheholethatexistsinmebecomesdeeper,
agravefull oframps,whichi hear are incrediblyrarerawgarlicscallionlike
thingsworth$40apop,likeatruffle
theserarities,thesefads
makesmewanttosimplify
butikeepsearching,keepingothersatbay
igottalaughattheHarvardColumbiaPrincetonBrowncrowd
becausewhodotheythinktheyare?
imean,really?
theirworldisntreality,
proppedupbyparentals,moneybagfoundations
icantdeny,though,theymakemefeelrealsmall
andtheniwantmoreofwhattheyhave
justtohaveit
whichmakesmesmaller
aneverendingloop
butmaybetheydgetakickofthat
me,mybrain
icouldbetheirclown,no?
atrainedinParisanaerobicmimewithASLskillsandaspergers?
theydlikealltheelements
itdbeagoodTEDtalk

anoteonmurakami

impressesthehelloutofmehowmurakamismoothlyportrayswildlyflawedcharacters
e.g.whentsukuruisflatlydeniedfurtherphysicalintimacywithawomansince
assheexplainstohim
hehasemotionalissuesanddoesn'tactlikeagrownup

there'salargerstorytoamurakamibookthanthecharacters'littleproblems
yetnotlargeenoughtofindtruthandanswersandreality
sincefictionislikememoryandviceversa
anywaythere'stheentiretyoftsukuruspilgrimage
evenwhilehedwellsontopicsparticulartohim
hislifestopicsaccumulateintoabooksizedstory
ilikeit,icanrelate,andilikehowthebookischattyandhuman

thenthis:mylifeintoartandartintomylife

...gratefulthatwhathadtakenholdofhisheartwasadeepsorrow,
nottheyokeofintensejealousy.

itstomeasifapensomewhereputthescenetogether:

goingdownthesidewalktosee
angst
(indeed)
(whichmovieilllaterdiscoverissoldout)withmyheadphoneson
iwalkpastherandherboyfriend,whosespiritsdontlooktoohigh
andicantknowtheirreasons(ticketwoes?)

itsthefirsttimeiveseenhersinceourgoodbyeinhercar
sheslookingdownaswepass,idontknowtheguybutillsayhesahuman
imlisteningtoneutralmilkhotel,reflectingonwhat
idknownwouldhappenhavinghappened

so,withoutthemovieiseekunionwithabook,whichoftenido
readingmoremurakami,illbedamnedonthepagesireadtsukurupassesagirl
(thegirlfrommyabovenoteaboutmurakami)withanotherguyonthesidewalk
(!!!)confirminghisreputation:murakamisomehowreadsinsideme

People come to him, discover how empty he is, and leave. Whats left is an empty,
perhapsevenemptier,TsukuruTazaki,allalone.

[futuristicallyaltered]fourlinesisavedonmyphonesnotepadonedaywhilewalking

thesongofhowweakyouareistonelessandtired
howstrongyoucanbeissomeofmyfavoritemusic
bestrongwhenyoutellmehowweakyouare
strongandlightdespitewhatsweak

thetheory15yearsago

Iknewittobecancer
Leavewellenoughalone
Ifitisandisexposedtoair
Theendisnear
Cancercanconsume
Doesconsume
Doctorsheed
Cancercanarrestitself
Leavewellenoughalone

july20,1980

Ifyouaredoingexcellent
Yougotthespirit
Withinyou
Psychosisspreading
Twasabitaftereleven
RestlesswasI
Walkingbackandforth
Nobodytotalkto
ButIheard
Saunteringstairways
Heavensheddingtears

parents,
betteryoushouldhaveyourchildrenonyourbackthenhavechildrenwithoutbackbones

peopleandtheirproblems,alljustconvolutedthoughtprocesses

Imsickofitall
Peopleandtheirinsecurities,theirresentments
Wonderingwhathesgoingtosay
Whatsheshouldsay
Whyhesdoingthat
Howitsallgoingtoworkoutmonthsfromhere
Willitworkoutatall
Shedidthistome
Hedidthat
Allthistalk
Doesntseemworthyofmytime
Whenthesolutioncouldbe
Notworryingatall
Orjustmakingaphonecall
Sortingitoutinatwosentenceemail
Statingexactlywhatwantedtobesaid
Stoppingthewondering
Communicatingnotaroundtheissue,buttowardsit
Ormaybethesolutionisnotthinkingabouttheshouldsandalways
Dontgetmewrong
Ivebeenwhatannoysme
Butrecentdeathsandillnesses
Keepmeawayfromthenegativethoughtprocesses
Idratherdrinkahotchocolate
Gotothespa
Turnonchiactivationsoundwaves
Sleepitoff
Tilltomorrow
ButofcourseItoogotoadarkplace,sometimes
Cleansedwithtears
Ithappenslessoftenwiththerapy
Ithappenslessofteninsolitude

youthinkyouhavetroubles?

donttakeitlyingdown
getupandfight!

myrosettastone

to begin in myfurthestfuture,atmyfuneral,itshouldeitherbethattomwaitsperformstangotiltheyre
soreorsomeoneplaysthatsongofftheirphonefromyoutube,atleast(requestofmine)

except,notdeadyetso,asachildinohioiholdastuffedbearwearingahawaiianshirt(thebearwas
wearing that shirt) and watch cartoons alone in an apartment living room on a saturday before my
motherandsisterwake.mysummaryofme:ithinkmylifeisnonsenseandcartoonsarereality

the bearsgiver marriesmy mom. wemoveintohis house. it hasafamily room, withawoodcasedtv

hebuilt.i watch vhstapes of
thethree stoogesand
e.t.
,
inspectorgadgetonnickelodeon.mystepdad,
who worksfortheairforce,hiscuriositiesthenareclassicalmusicandcdtechnology.ibecomefamiliar
withboththegermanwaytopronouncewandphysicalmediaofthefuture

after my mothersbusinesss financial success, myfamily movesinto a largehouse freshlybuiltinthe

country.in myown big roomi have anold tv, then ihavean oldtv andanewtv from walmart.inthis
environment formativeyears occur whilei read r.l.stein, watch cartoons on nickelodeon, then cartoon
network, then movies off hbo and tnt (which i tape onto vhs,e.g.
serialmom,redrock west
).often at
night afternews sitcom reruns play on my old tv while i videogame on my new tv, sometimes while
musicdrifts from a stereoabove mydresser,exceptmusic distractsanditdependsontheshow/night,
but definitely sometimesmy bedroom andheart swelledfrommusic. through myteenage sisteri hear
nirvana and weezer, but the
pocahontas
soundtrack and kris kross are my choices, then mtv a.k.a
videokilledtheradiostar(sidenote:learnedaboutthissongfrom
theweddingsingersoundtrack
)

from the countryhome, following myhighschoolyears, my mother and ilivein anapartmentonsally

circle.fleeing from the world and obliviousabouthowtochaseit,ibecomemagnetizedbymovies,e.g.
city of god
,
live flesh
.i listento emotional teenagermusic,e.g. thepromisering,american football.at
onepoint i tellafriendiwanttomakeamoviethatsacrossbetween
therockand
faceoff
,thenaftera
few years i tape an antonioni quote
above my tv written in pen on notebook paper. ireadbiskinds
easy riders, raging bulls and gilbeys
it dont worry me
, talking also about movies with my manager,
whichmanager of a secondrun theater graduatedmajoringinfilmfromlocalwright stateuniversity.he
chats with me about sam peckinpah,robert altman and classic universal horrormovies. onemidnight
for only us three after the business closes, his friend brings over his
horror of dracula
35mm print,i
have my first repertoire film experience with them (plus imdrunkfromvodka inaplastic water bottle
andsneakacigaretteinthetheaterwithmymanager)

And here we witnessthe crumbling ofamyth,whichproclaims it isenough to know, tobe critically

conscious of ourselves, to analyze ourselves, in all our complexities and in every facet of our
personality.Thefactthatmattersissuchanexaminationisnotenough.

beforeourthingsarriveinlagunaniguel,california,ireadkerouacs
ontheroad
,watcharented
thelast
temptation of christ dvd on my pc
. i come to southern california because of dreams i have about
movies. my mother says shes dreamt of living here since her childhood. we are the classic country
family moving to california setup: we have little money, make little money, and everything looks
interesting/amazingwhile wefeelconfused/excited.ayearaftervariouschangesinmycaliforniasetup,
including buying bukowski books while alone, short and treasured days in a long beachloft with two
friends, thena palof mine, alsointerested in movies,movesfromohio. wenestle into aonebedroom
apartmentinmissionviejo,bothgotosaddlebackcollege.hisparentspayourrent.iworkatcostco.we
watchmoviesonhistvanddrinkliquorwhilelisteningtomusicduringlonghoursofourdaystogether

at this age i devotemypersonal time tomovies, music, and, especiallyaftermypal and i stopgetting
along, i read books. alone in a laundry room i read
if on a winters night a traveler
.in film classes,i
make friends who see theworldthrough moviesasi do. keystone moments arrive relatingto
unchien
andalou and
v for vendetta
. in the arts i feel myself growing.mypal and i decidenotto live together
past our oneyear lease. whileliving withmymotheragaininthesameapartmentaswhenwearrived,
at schooli become friends witha serious bookperson. heintroducesme to the writingof david foster
wallace,then i read
infinitejest,
whichwasathingpeoplewhowereinterestedinbooksmightbedoing
in thosedays.ittakes me a year toreadit, since i begin by multireading(e.g.
geeklove
,afavoriteof
mine), then i pause for nine months, reading other things, e.g.
all the kings men
,
invisibleman
, and
after isitdownto finish
jest
,i thenreadvonneguts
slaughterhousefiveand thompsons
therumdiary
intwodays,sinceitsmucheasiertoreadotherbooksafterfinishingd.f.w.

except thats skipping ahead, since i make friends while living with my mother, but i finish
jest
while
living inbrentwood, withmygirlfriend whos interested inbooksand moviesandmusictoo.75%ofmy
current favorite horror movies i first watch with her. we move to portland, oregon, where i go to the
northwest film center, becomingfriendswith my editing teacher, whoteachesmemoreaboutfilmfrom
the 60s and 70s and modern global cinema. in his studio apartment he shows me
the holy girl
,
morvern callar
,
innocence movies from different perspectives (his favorite is female) and he likes
when theres a bit of serious fun involved inart, calls himselfhedonistic,likescooking.afavoritemovie
ofhisis
withnailandi
.onceinatheaterherented,wechangedintocostumesduringmetzgers
score

igo tomovietheaterswhenevertheresanexcusetogo.ibingetheportlandinternationalfilmfestival.i
haventfigured outthe adultworld at thisjuncture.iburnsavingsfrommydaysatcostco.motivatedby
my serious book friend, who lives in portland (a reason it was chosen),during the day ireadoften.i
regularly visitthe central libraryand sit atthe big wooden communitytable withwhateverimcarrying:
novellas e.g.
senselessness, the invention of morel, big ones e.g.
the brothers karamazov
,
2666,
normalsizede.g.
the rings ofsaturn
,
ask thedust.
etc. this isa pivotalperiod inmylifeintermsofmy
adventurous inquiries into theories and curious personal practices. a blendingof mypluraldreams to
mysingularrealitywithinportlandduringthesetwoyearsofmylifeonthefringeofthingsthatmatter

many nightsmy girlfriend and icuddle, watch 13 movies onthe blurayplayer attachedto the lcdtv i
bought when costco cashed out my vacation hours. precode movies, movies from hong kong,
romania, france, japan,the silent era,mondomacabro,criterion,new home theater releases mostly
through netflix and redbox (hollywood video on our streets corner had shuttered). then my girlfriend
andi splitup, soi transition back to losangeles, first stayingin mysistersguesthousereading
tortilla
flat
(and texting myreader friend aboutthis,whichfriendtextsmenolongerthesedays),thensleeping
onafriendscouchreadingacopyof
sandokan.
thenlife,morelife,
goodbyetolanguage3d
,etc.
,

the above(andbelow): a colossal abridgement!skippedmy nightsofdrinkingpeppermintschnappsin

a laguna niguel garage, listening to magnoliaelectricco.andwantingto die.in a separate story from
thissame garage, iorgasm during
thewhite album
slong,long,long.
killerofsheepatthebillywilder
theater while living with friends in westwood, happened.shouldnt it besaid importantchanges inmy
development occurred when my mother, from jungle jims international markets dvd department,
purchased
rebels of the neon god
,
gods comedy
,
il postino and other movies she thought seemed
interesting maybe, and they didtendto bei thought, when i watchedthem inthekent stateuniversity
dormisharedwithmypal,atwhichschooliwasaweeklynewscameramanandattendedthefilmclub

my aunt has saidto me beforeshe believes my pathtowardartisticendeavours relates toherandmy

mother taking me and her daughters to plays at the victoriantheatre inour youth.myinternship ata
blackowned blacktv station in dayton ohio sounds instrumental. costco: pizza kitchen to tire
department.crucialnight:friendshowingme
nightonthegalacticrailroad
. buyingcheapdvdsfrombins
atwalmartandbestbuy:bringingitup.
theskulls
wasthefirstpiratedmoviesharedwithme<noted.

my father (whos never been married to my mother nor lived with her) used to play me old radio
programs (superman and gangster drama) off cassettes when i went to sleep while visiting him. he
bought me my first nintendoentertainment system,which he keptathis place, in orderto sharpenhis
mario talents. though i first fiddled with a nintendo in the country basement of my cousin who once
while playing
skate ordie
showed me hispubic hairto demonstratewhatgrowingupislike.hehadan
alanismorisetteposter inhis room.his sisterswatchednickelodeonasoftenasidid,sincewedwatch
snick together at mygrandmothers houseon saturdaynights, backwhen grandmotherwas alive and
muchofthefamilylivedinohio,beforemyfirstohiodeparturewhenilivedinmichiganforoneyear

my earliestvividmemoryof seeing through theartsaworld whichmydreamsdesiredtoinhabitcomes

from insidebooks & co. during my youth.bet iwas thereto checkonnew
fear street
releases,wheni
noticedon a holidayendcapabookscoverpaintingofalonelyhousewithcandlelitwindows,snowon
its top.i dreamt of livingashappily as ifelt whilelooking atthatcoverthen,imaginingmyselfsafeand
comfortablein thathome, forsome reason, that soundskindafunny andits an exampleofoneofthe
biggestthingsthatshappenedtomeduringmyconstructionintowho iamtoday,andirememberiwas
drinkingaglassbottleofstrawberrysparklingwaterfromthebookstorescafe

theproblemwithgoingtomychildhoodhome,yousee

itsnotthediscomfort
ormaybeitis
imtryingtoputmyfingeronit
itsacombinationofsoothingandpainful
likewhatcuttersthinkofcutting
liketheseconddegreeburnsigivemyselfinthehotshower
iwanttofeelathomeinmyhome
butitendsupfeelinglikeamousetrap
cheese,thensnap!
soiavoidit
ionlygotothebackyardoccasionally
tocheckonthebees
makingsuretosuitup
wearingleathertoprotectmyhands
butigottaadmit
iloveagoodsting
itstheonlywaytofeel
anything
iheardRonSwansonsayonParksandRecreation
nottomistakedramaforlove
eventhoughthatsalliknow
withpain,comespleasure
butigottaclearmyself
ofthosevibrations
itstimetofind
abettermatch
mytherapistsaysitwillneverhappen
unlessicutmymotherout
makesmewanttoburnmychildhooddown

butwhatifineverfindtheperson

ireallywantthathigh
thatcompatibilityhigh
somethingaboutbeingwithsomeone
thatseemssonice
exciting
ifnotreal
buttotallyfaded
ifdrawnout
neverahappymiddle
ishoulddoalotofdigging
throughtherolodex
insidemyself
maybeillgettofindinglater

butthatssuchaclichejourney
andidontwanttodoit
becauseitworks

mosttimes
aheartiscautious
andtherearemanyreasons
why
butilikedyou
(snapyourfingers)
justlikethat
causeyouareyou
andiamme

whenthedaughteroftheexboyfriendcallstheexgirlfriend

iamlettingherknowthatherexloveisdying
idecidedtodothissothat
shecouldhaveclosure
butwhoamitodecidethat?
iguessijustwantedtoknowhowshefelt
ithinkhestilllovesherandwishestheyweretogether
hehasapictureofthem
gettingmarriedinaCokecommercial
sittingbyhisbed
sheissendinghimanotetoday
iwonderwhatitsays
sheissendingmepictures
iwonderwhatillsee
whatifhedies
beforethenotegetsthere?
whatiftheclosurebetweenthemneverhappens?
ijustwanttoknowthatheiscapable
oflovingstill
ifnotwithme

whenfriendsgoawaytothefamiliestheycreateandnooneisleft,butthats
justanexaggerationbecauseimdepressed

thereasonsimstayinginthiscity
arealljustfabricatedexcuses
ifileave,iwonthavefriendsanymore
allmyfriendsarehere,afterall
buttheyreallgettingknockedup
soirarelyseethemanyways
ifileave,iwontbenearmydoctors
andillbecomemoreparalyzedwithoutthem
buttherearedoctorseverywhere,really
ifileave,iamacoward
notfacingmyself
becauseifileave,myproblemsfollow
buttheseareallifs
soishouldntbeconcerned,really

WebsterSays:

Trustee:
apersonorinstitutiontowhompropertyisturnedovertobemanagedforthebenefitof
others

Custodian:
akeeper,guardian,relatingtocustody
(custody=imprisonment)

Survivor:
alegacydependinguponsurvival

Anthony*:
ImprayingyoursalaryincreaseiscomingfromthestatelotterybecauseImanartsy
homeowner.

todayisthedayimthinkingaboutthis

atfirstalliknewandwhathedtoldmeiswecouldntbefriends,andbyaskinganother
friendtoaskhimaboutthissituationishowihearditsbecauseiwasawellpoisoner
thatsalliheard,sobothmeandthepersonwhomhedtoldwonderedwhatthatmeant
atthisageidneverhadsomeonestopbeingfriendswithme,iwasinmymid20s

idneverbeforehadsomeonecallmeawellpoisoner
theseyearslaterihavetwo(solid?)guessesaboutwhathemeant

imawellpoisonersinceimmostusedtoandsometimesseekemotionsofdespair
(sinceidesireemotionsanditsalwayseasiertofindthebad)
aproblemhereisifinoticesomeoneelseshappinessicanmistrustit
icansaytheuniverseistellingmetodoit
icansayinauniversalsensethereisntareasontobehappyduringthecurrentmoment
icansaythat,thinkingwhatshappeningdoesntmatterultimately
illthinkitdoesntmatterandiwontevennoticeimbeinganasshole
andtonesofdistressareneveronesthatpeopleseektobearound

or,hejustmeantiwasawellpoisonerforhavingsomeoneaskhimaboutoursituation
(whichrelatestothefirstguessbutslightlydiffersintermsofsize/intensity)
becausenowhelookedbad,afterisharedourprivateconflictwithanoutsidepersonwho
wasamutualfriendofours(thebookreadingfriend,thisisinportland)
anditsnotpolitetospreadproblemsthroughtheworld,thatswellpoisoning
itsnotalwaystomyadvantagethaticantlieorkeepasecret

wellpoisoning,asiscommon,hasalatinphrase:
adhominem
totheperson,attackingthepersoninsteadoftheirpoint
(ignoratioelenchivariation)(missingthepoint)
theworstiswhenyoucalloutapersonsfeetofclay,whichistheirweaknessorcharacter
flaw,relatedtoabiblestoryaboutanotherwisewonderfulstatuewhose
clayfeetcausedittofalltotheground

so,yeah,couplepossibleissuesofmine,andalsothosefactsfromlookingupwell
poisoningonwikipediaherealoneinmylivingroomfiveyearsafteriwascalledthis
itsamiserabletruthtomelikethis:iclearlydidntknowthepointinthefirstplace
whichisabummerlikethis:theguywhocalledmethistookphotosofbarbiedollsagainst
postcardbackdropsandhewasatrashculturemutantjunkieandiadoredhim
tellingyou,myproblemwaswithme,andivealwaysmissedhim

anoteaboutkids
(byflorianne)

kidsareimportanttome
becauseeachoneisdifferent
iknowbecauseiwasdifferentandmean
toeachoneofthem

butImalmostmiddleaged,asiftosayImdead

Thequestionis,whathappenswhenImboredwithbeingalone
Andafamilyentersmythoughts,beggingtocomeoutofme?
Notthatiteverhas
Maybeonce,whenIwonderedaboutaJapanesebabyupforadoption
Andthereitgoes,worryingabouthowitwillallworkout
Mythoughtsarewhatmakemesick,really
AndIdontneedthem
Idontneedanyofit
Theressomethingtobesaidaboutjustgoingwiththeflow
Apassiveexistencethatcouldbeactedon
Notreactedto
Butthereareimpulses
Itswhatmakesusanimals,really
Itsthestopsign
Thatmakesushuman
Boundtorules
Andthatswherethedeathcomes
Thesemilestonesarenotmine
Theyrejustroadsurfacemarking
Paintedred,white,andblue
Onlyonholidays
Neveralways
No,thatsnotforthemiddleaged
Thatfreedom

MyWill

Towrite,onemustlive
SointhebeginningtherewasI,butalongwithtime
Thatblossomeddaysandnightsweeksandmonthsyears
Whichnowisaneternityofutterconfusion
Takefacadeshome
Replacethetrueidentities
Ofreality.
Justicewasblindednottoseethecorruption
Weightswereneverbalancedpreciously
Thebookcradledwithinhisarmnodoubtinleft
Mymind,twasoneoftrialoferror
Awealth,thoughnotrich
Butwealthinspiritandtruth
Compressedourfamilyintofamiliesoftheirown,
Whichwerestrengthened,Ifirmlybelieve

HomeNow

AdultiswhatIwanttobe,
Whichdoesntinvolvearoommate,inmyPOV
Evenwhensingle
Illstillhavethematchingbedsidetables,though
IncaseIfindamate
IllcoordinatethecarpetwithdrapesnotfromTarget
Colorful art in gold frames oil or acrylic not sloppy movie posters,
Goddamnit
PlantsofmanyvarietiesFiddleFigsorRubberTrees
Lampsinallcornerswiredforenergysavinglightbulbs
Areadingchairforthebedroom,withamatchingfootstool
Adiningtablelongerthantwofeet,tableclothoptional
Decorativeknobsoncabinets,glassorporcelain
Chandeliers,butwedontneedtogointodetails
Officespace,evenifjustacloset
Aspacetocallmine
Agraduation,ofsorts
SomekindofPinterestfabrication
Abalconyfullofcitrustreesandtealights
Abuiltinbookshelfmakingrainbowsoutofbookspines
Abathtubdeepandgroutfree
Rosecandles
EverythingIneedtofeelsafe
UntilIsitwithmyfeelings
Uncomfortable
Cryinginmyreadingcorner
Sittingaloneatthelongerdiningroomtable
Disconnectingonthebalcony
Cozyingintomeditation
Showeringinthesaltofthetub
Findingmyselfinmyspace
Aplacetobewithme

iwasalwayshome

youweretheonesthatstrayedaway
stillalwaysathome
stillyoustayaway
whatpoisondoiretain?
iamwalkingoutofyourlivestolivemyown
mayyousinkintoyourownsoulsin
absolutepeaceandjoy

aboutfriendship

doyouwanttoknowwhatafriendis?itsifyoucanputyourselfinhisshoesandtry
walkingwithyourself.iconfessivebeenafailureatitmanytimes.soicantsaytoomuch
aboutmyselfbecausemyshoeshavehurtmemanytimesanditriedveryhardwithbroken
shoestringsandirememberwhentherewerenone.thatswhymyfriendsareveryspecial
tome.imayhaveyou,butthenagain,imayhavenone.partingwaysaremany.

memotodaughter#4

themanwhoiscompletelysatisfiedwithlifeisalreadydead
learnthebasicsoflife
beforelivingit

wellokiguess

firstofallididntevenrealizetherewerecricketsinmyneighborhood
untilshepointedatoneinmybedroom.thenduringthenightiheard
chirpsoutsidemyopenwindows,clearevidenceofapopulation

butihadntrealizeduntiltold
bythe(artistic)girl(whocouldfeelghostsinrooms)

earlierthatnightonhollywoodhillsoverlookingthevalleywedkissed
havingdrivenpasthercollegeinfrontofwhichimeetheroneafternoon
towalkthestarstowardveggiegrillwhilenoticingthingswelikeaboutthe
cityandeachother.sheexplainshawaiianlanguagetome,callsitpigeon
talk,showsmeayoutubevideo

latersheshowsmeavideoofherhuladancing
thefirsttimewewentouttogetherimetheronmyfirstsamuelfrench
theatre&filmbookshopvisit,whereinareadingroom(afteractorshad
concludedtheirmeeting)isitacrossfromherandtakeherphoto
instagramherphotowiththecaption:
materialforachapterinabookabouthowtheworldisntsobad

ilikehowtheworldfeelswithher
herfirsttimeatthenewbeverlycinemawasseeing
chungkingexpress
withme.afterthemovie,beforesherodeherfixiehome
wecircledthesidewalktogetherinthedarknight,withemotionaland
cosmicandladidahtypeelectricitybetweenus,eachofussmiling

fantastic
ithinkshesgreat,shecracksmeup,withheriminamovieiwanttowatch
itellherthatwhiledrivingherhomeonthenightsheasksmetostopdriving
herhome
sincewhatfeelsgreatcantlastforever,somethinglikethat
herheartbelongstoanotherguyelsewhere
sheturns22andgraduatesfromcollegelaterintheyear
whichiknowsinceweremainfacebookfriends
ihopeshekicksassasanartist

theresanurgencytomovebecausetherentistoohigh,whichmakesmedream
aboutotherplaces,soigo

1
adelaide,australia

stayingwithmychildhoodfriendwho
livesonablockofvintagestoreswith
boutiquecharm
igotadressmadeinJapan,
withaBrazilianprint
thehalfwhiteswerentthatspecial
thebeacheswerelonely
ididntevenwearaswimsuit
peopletreattheaboriginalslike
strangers
itmakesmesick
thankgodigottocuddleakoala
tookselfieswithakangaroo
theybothhadalotofattitude
andyes,iatekangaroobeforei
metone
(sorry)
itwasgood

2
3
kona,hawaii
joshuatree

ayogaretreatofmenopausalwomen
morelikemars
searchingforhappiness
treesshapedlikealiens
escapingthedeathoftheirchildren
rocksstacked,perfectlyround
inajungleoftents
thestarsbrighter,theskydarker
iatealotoffruitandgarliccloves
landstretchingouttonothingness
inthemidstofmyflu
hotfordays
iwrestledwiththelavarocksbetweenmytoes
iturned30here
sleptinatreehouse
determinedthatveganicecreamwasthebest,onlyhere

4
detroit,michigan

ishouldprobablygothere
getanewstart
inacommunitygettingitsown
artistsgentrifyingcondemnedhouses
whichfeelswrong,entitled,selfish
buttheexcuseis
ithaspotential,likeme

6
tamale,ghana

livingwiththeparamountchief
allowsmetohavemyownroom
asmallfoampadmattressonaconcretefloor
thefoodistheluxury
poundedfufu
mango
rice
beans
avocados,thesweetkind
isitatatrialbetweenanadultererandthemanhe
betrayed
(theresolutionisalivechicken)
whentheycelebratemychiefsbirthday
drumsplay
songsaresung
thenwepray

5
liechtenstein
thetoiletseattalks
andhasarotatingmechanical
cleansingunit

7
salem,massachusetts

thetownofwitches,mostlytourists
usedcarsalesmen
safehouses,AAmeetings
youreallywanttoknowwheremyfathercamefrom?
gotothecasinoinConnecticut

bracknell,england

myfirstexposuretocountryside

cowpoo
attics
tinystaircases
snoopythedogwaspregnant
milkcameoutofhernipples
danielpainteddungeonsanddragonsfigurines
ilovedhim
wewenttoanindoorwaterpark
worefloaties
ithoughttherewasnoplacebetteronearth
thenigotanenyaCD
andfoundgod
inmymorningdanceworkout

9
paris,france
allirememberis
myfirstdicksighting
ahomelessman
peeing
onthesidewalk
thesynagogueswere
theonlyappropriate
partofthatcity
andididntevenprayin
anyofthem


10
switzerland

lotsofpinetrees
amountainofsnow
butthebestpartwas
thechocolateicecreamthatcameinadish
shapedlikeawhale

11
lakecomo,italy
ifiweretoever
getmarried
itwould
havetobehere
ifthelake
isstillas
warm
asirememberit

12
telaviv,israel

ihadmybatmitzvah
ontopofthemasada
aholyplace
latervisitedwithmycollegefriends
whereifoundmyselfbeing
inappropriatelyflirtatious
withmultiplebadchoices
thisisnowwheremyfirstobsessionlives
heisgettingmarriednextweek

13
14
elcapitan,santabarbara
bigsur

thetinyhouseshere
eveninthefog,
makemewanttonestleintheforest
thebluejayscomeout
giveupthecityforthesimplelife
adirondackssitinthestream
cookfoodbythecampfireeverynight
nailedtothecabinwall
withminiaturehorsesandostriches,

isacheesywaterfall
wherethepacefeelsgentle
ofbrightcolors
moreserenetomyboneswetalkabouthowwewantit
forourbedroom
wetalkabouthowitsonlynatural

15
imtryingtorememberalltheplacesivebeen,notbecauseiwanttoimpressyou,but
becauseitisagoodmentalexercise

escapinghomeinplaces
makesmemisshomemore
butwhatishome,really?

everraceagainsttime?
(byflorianne)

beforeyoudepart
imtrying
imtrying
imtrying
myverybest