ARCHER

Spec Script Episode: ("Leverage")

Written by
Michael Flamank

michaelflamank@gmail.com
(647)461-0563
4th Draft

TEASER
1

EXT. ARCHERS BUILDING -- ESTABLISHING -- MID DAY

We PUSH IN on Archers penthouse as BABY ABBIEJEAN wakes him
from his sleep.
BABY ABBIEJEAN (O.S.)
Waaaahhhh!

INT. ARCHERS BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Archer on top of his covers in boxer briefs, the room
decorated with still smoking CIGARS and EMPTY BOTTLES.
Abbiejean is, for obvious reasons, in another room.

Baby

ARCHER
Oh for the love of- Woodhouse! If
you dont shut up that baby Im
going to make it a blanket out of
your skin... that is if skin can be
blankets. I dont know if it
requires a polyester blend orBABY ABBIEJEAN (O.S.)
Waaaaaaah!
Woodhouse!
I-

ARCHER
If I cant get my sleep

WOODHOUSE (O.S.)
Very sorry, sir but youve alreadySMASH!
REVEAL: Woodhouse, standing in the door, ducks as a BOTTLE
crashes near his head.
ARCHER
Paraphrased myself once todayArcher spots his ALARM CLOCK which reads 12:14.
ARCHER
Oh. Ha, noon.
WOODHOUSE
I toldSMASH!

2.
Another BOTTLE breaks against the wall.
ARCHER
What did I tell you about "I told
you sos?"
WOODHOUSE
Enough for the irony to soak in.
ARCHER
Good... also I need you to pick up
some polyester today.
3

INT. LAUNDROMAT BENEATH ISIS -- LATER

Archer waits for the elevator to arrive, PHONE pressed to
ear while POPEYE scribbles on a SKETCHPAD behind the
counter.
ARCHER
Lana look I dont know why youre
not picking up, but you gotta tell
mother Im late today cause I was
taking care of A.J.
(to Popeye)
Hey you got anything thats just
polyester?
Popeye glances up from his SKETCHPAD to meet eyes and goes
right back to sketching.
ARCHER
Fine.
Elevator opens up and Archer walks in, comes back out, picks
an item of dry cleaning off its rack and drops it on the
ground before returning to the elevator. Popeye sighs and
goes back to his sketching.
REVEAL: The SKETCHPAD has a masterfully pencil drawn spring
mountain scene on it. Popeye sighs again.

INT. ISIS BULLPEN -- CONTINUOUS

Elevator door opens to the bullpen chalk full of C.I.A.
AGENTS in matching BLUE WINDBREAKERS and SUNGLASSES, all of
whom turn to face Archer.
Archer slowly moves his hand towards the "CLOSE DOOR"
button, but is quickly joined by two C.I.A. Agents while a
third aims a TASER at him.

3.

ARCHER
Alright alright, settle down Kwesi
Millington.
C.I.A. AGENT
Okay last guy is here!
A more official looking man makes his way to the elevator
sporting a BEIGE WINDBREAKER and no sunglasses.
C.I.A. BOSS
Good good, start the search.
The agents disperse in all directions.
C.I.A. BOSS
Sterling Archer, you have something
I need.
ARCHER
Um youre gonna have to be more
specific, theres a lot to be
desired here.
C.I.A. BOSS
Come with me.
5

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

Seated around the office are Ray, Lana, and Malory with a
HIGHBALL as Archer and C.I.A. Boss walk in.
LANA
Finally, what the hell took you so
long?
RAY
God did you even shower?
ARCHER
I- shut up- ImMALORY
In big trouble mister.
ARCHER
Well maybe if I knewRAY
Seriously its like eau-de-ashtray.

4.

ARCHER
Shut up- What the hell is going on
here? And how come no ones
answering their phones!
LANA
We were waiting for you and they
took our phones soARCHER
So ask for them back duh.
LANA
If that was an option dont you
thinkC.I.A. BOSS
Ahem! Let me explain. You four
were all directly involved in
operation "Black Ghost."
The screen behind Malorys desk blinks on showing what looks
to be a mission summary.
LANA
Is this about the casualties?
ARCHER
Because they were completely
unavoidable.
6

FLASHBACK: INT. FOREIGN COMPOUND -- PREVIOUS WEEK

PEW PEW! Two silenced gun shots are heard and two AFRICAN
JANITORS beside MOP BUCKETS fall dead to the ground. Lana
and Ray glare piercingly at Archer then point to the door
theyre supposed to go in. It is nowhere near the janitors.
ARCHER
Okay well, now we dont have to be
so quiet.

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- BACK TO PRESENT -- CONTINUOUS

C.I.A. BOSS
No no were not so worried about
the innocents.
LANA
Ugh.

5.

ARCHER
If you change your mind... Rays
responsible.
RAY
Hey IC.I.A. BOSS
The briefcase you retrieved for us8

FLASHBACK: INT. FOREIGN COMPOUND -- PREVIOUS WEEK

Lana picks up a briefcase in a room littered with dead
bodies that clearly did not need to be taken out.
ARCHER
Woops.

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- BACK TO PRESENT -- CONTINUOUS

C.I.A. BOSS
-had a disc containing the aliass
of our undercover agents. When the
briefcase was returned, the disk
was missing. So you have until this
evening to return it or the C.I.A.
stops giving you contracts.
MALORY
Well thats preposterous, how do
you even know it was in the case in
the first place.
C.I.A. BOSS
The tracker attached to it, made it
back to this building before being
turned off. In the meantime we will
be conducting a search of the
premises. You are to remain in
this office until the disk is given
up or retrieved.
C.I.A. Boss leaves room and Lana and Ray stare down Malory
who clearly is harbouring THE DISK.
ARCHER
Oh my god!
RAY/MALORY/LANA
What?!

6.

ARCHER
I just got the name "Black Ghost,"
I thought it might be racial but
now...
Beat.
RAY
Seriously?
TITLE SEQUENCE (:35)

7.

ACT ONE
10

EXT. ISIS BUILDING -- ESTABLISHING -- CONTINUOUS

ARCHER (O.S.)
Yes Ray, I dont have time to
unravel every high-handed cryptic
buzz term-

11

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

ARCHER
-for these thingsLANA
Will youARCHER
Cause its too well spent kicking
ass.
Shut up.

LANA
Malory?

MALORY
Wh- Dont look at me. I thought
they just threw them together all
willy nilly.
LANA
The C.I.A aliass!
MALORY
Oh perhaps it was that "Black
Ghost" who took it. You know how
they are.
RAY
Ah! Thats offensive and doesnt
make sense.
ARCHER
Duh, if something made sense it
wouldnt be offensive.
LANA
Malory can you please give them
back their disk.

8.

MALORY
What makes you think I have it?
Lana and Ray glare her down.
MALORY
Oh alright, I have it but Im not
giving it back.
LANA
(through gritted teeth)
Why not?
MALORY
Because this is the leverage we
need to make ourselves independent
again.
RAY
That is insanely illegal!
MALORY
Oh potato, pa-treason.
LANA
Pretty clearly blackmailARCHER
Black Ghost Lana. Which could have
been male or female.
Lana pulls out her TEC-9 and aims it at Malory.
LANA
Where is it?
MALORY
Oh shoot if you want, Ive already
had it taken out the secret
passageway.
Ray, Lana and Archer look at each other.
ARCHER
By who?
12

EXT. STREET -- CONTINUOUS

Cyril emerges from a MANHOLE, DISK in hand and out of
breath. A pair of bewildered KIDS watch him from the
sidewalk.

9.

CYRIL
Hellooooo.
13

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

ARCHER/RAY/LANA
Cyril?!
MALORY
They wont suspect aLANA
Ya but think of what they might
find tearing this place apart.
MALORY
Oh Im sure itll be fine.
KREIGER (O.S.)
No no no dont!

14

INT. KREIGERS LAB -- CONTINUOUS

Agents drain a large AQUARIUM with a PIG suspended in
it. The pig deconstructs into a pile of its parts.
KREIGER (O.S.)
Ohhhh, Pigsley Four.
REVEAL: Kreiger watches as his lab is torn apart, two agents
on each side of him making sure he doesnt get in the way.
C.I.A. AGENT (O.S.)
Found something!
KREIGER
Dont open that!
REVEAL: C.I.A. Agent holds a CLEAR TUBE full of fluorescent
liquid.
C.I.A. AGENT
Why whats inside?
KREIGER
Perfume?

10.

15

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

Archer slaps a bottle of COLOGNE from Rays offering hands.
ARCHER
No Ray, Im not putting on perfume.
RAY
Its cologne and you need it!
ARCHER
Its Givenci Ray, it might as well
be squirted out a vagina.
LANA
Ew.
ARCHER
I know its like bottled estrogen.
Malory is shown slowly backing out the, now open, SECRET
DOOR behind her desk. Lana lifts her gun and points it
again.
LANA
And just where are you going?
MALORY
Hmm, nowhere, just thought Id step
out for some fresh air.
RAY
Uh I know what you mean.
ARCHER
Shut up- mother where is Cyril
taking the disk?
Archer begins to fix himself a drink.
MALORY
Oh who knows, he has so many
neurosis hes probably curling in a
ball in god knows what back alley.

16

EXT. STREET -- CONTINUOUS

Cyril, wearing a TRENCHCOAT, nervously walks along a city
street. Everywhere he looks people seem to be staring at him
suspiciously.

11.

THREE QUICK HITS: (1) Suspicious man in suit. (2) Suspicious

bistro server watering patio flowers. (3) Suspicious old
couple locking arms whispering to each other then reaching
into jacket and purse.
CYRIL
Ahhhhhhhhh!
Cyril runs away as the old couple pull out SPECTACLES.
OLD WOMAN
Im telling you he looked like
Stuart. (Fierman)
Beat.
OLD MAN
Should have left you in that home.
OLD WOMAN
Ohhhhhhhh.
17

INT. MALORYS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

LANA
Nooooooppe
Lana raises her second TEC-9 and Malory gives up trying to
slip out and sits back at her desk.
MALORY
Oh fine, suit yourself "Cathy
Conscience."
LANA
Malory what did you offer Cyril to
get him to do this?
MALORY
I may have promised him a... newly
coined "Assistant Director"
position.
Archer chokes on his drink.
ARCHER
What!? No way am I letting Cyril be
my boss! Id rather... uh... swear
I-

12.
RAY
Spritz a little of that Givenci on?
ARCHER
Id rather douse myself in that
stupid girl scent, thank you Ray.
Beat.
RAY
Mmmm youre not welcome.
ARCHER
Whatever, Lana lets go, Im not
gonnaLANA
-like it when I have all the good
missions.
ARCHER
Ya have fun banging those out of
him.
RAY
Oof.
LANA
God damnit.
RAY
Oh honeyLANA
Just once Id love to have the
advantage around here.
ARCHER
Well maybe when promotions are
decided by thumb wrestle...
Lana shoots Archer a stern glance.
ARCHER
Because of your elephant hands.
LANA
IARCHER
Cmon lets go already, Cyril could
be cowering in the corners of so
many rooms.

13.

RAY
What do you want me to do?
ARCHER
Stay and watch mother, make sure
she doesnt do anything... well you
know... things she would do.
Malory grumbles.
RAY
(sniffs air)
Ya I think Im okay with that.
CHERYL (O.S.)
Oh my god okay two million!
18

INT. ISIS BULLPEN -- CONTINUOUS

Cheryl is arguing with a C.I.A. agent positioned in front of
the elevator.
ELEVATOR AGENT
Miss, everyone must stay on the
premises untilCHERYL
Youre not my supervisor!
ELEVATOR AGENT
Well actually my job is to
supervise you right now.
CHERYL
Oh. Well in that case two million(dances fingers on his chest)
-and maybe a littleELEVATOR AGENT
Im gay.
Elevator Agent nods to his partner and smiles while Cheryl
groans.
PAM (O.S.)
No no no dont!

14.

19

INT. ISIS STAFFROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Agents are combing through the staffroom. One of them pours
out a BIG POT into the sink, leaving a pile of PIG PARTS
with draining brown liquid. Pam helplessly watches similiar
to Kreiger.
PAM
Awwww cmon, those were marinating.
C.I.A. AGENT (O.S.)
Got something over here.
C.I.A. AGENT 2
What is it?
C.I.A. AGENT
It looks like a removable panel.
PAM
Dont open that!
C.I.A Agent removes an innocuous panel from the wall and
looks inside.
C.I.A. AGENT
Its nothing but cheetos and ants.
PAM
I was saving those!
(grabs a cheeto from the hole)
Om! (eats cheeto)

20

INT. SECRET PASSAGEWAY -- CONTINUOUS

Lana and Archer make their way through some RETINA and HAND
PRINT SCANNERS into a dungeony brick tunnel, dimly lit by
old lightbulbs.
ARCHER
Hey Lana you think there might be
black ghosts down here.
LANA
There are no such thing as ghosts.
ARCHER
I didnt say ghosts, I said black
ghosts.

15.

LANA
How does that make more sense?
ARCHER
Well you know... the underground
railroad.
LANA
You do know they werent actually
underground.
ARCHER
Mainstream, whatever, do you think
black ghosts are more transparent
or like21

INT. KREIGERS LAB -- CONTINUOUS

VIRTUAL GIRLFRIEND
Kurrigur-san! I wanted you to know
Im pregna...Kreigers Virtual Girlfriend projection is turned off by the
agents who found her. Two more agents hold an emotional
Kreiger back.
C.I.A. AGENT
Youll get her back when were done
here.
KREIGER
(sniffs)
You bastards...
Kreiger picks up the liquid filled TUBE from earlier and
throws it at them. It breaks by their feet. Non-chalantly
the agents sniff the air.
C.I.A. AGENT
Smells like ashtray.
KREIGER
She helped me perfect it.

22

EXT. STREET -- CONTINUOUS

Lana and Archer pop out of the MANHOLE Cyril exited
earlier. Archer brushes a little bit of dust from his suit
and sighs.

16.

ARCHER
If only the rest of them knew the
agony I go through.
END ACT ONE

17.

ACT TWO
23

EXT. ISIS BUILDING -- ESTABLISHING -- AFTERNOON

24

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

Ray and Malory silently stare each other down, Malory taking
loud sips of her drink.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
C.I.A. AGENT (O.S.)
Hey open up!
MALORY
(to Ray)
Oh whatever will you do?
RAY
Umm, just a minute!
Ray furrows his brow, then gets an idea and opens the door.
RAY
Oh hey I- Woah hey!
Rays immediately trampled as agents poor into the
room. C.I.A. Boss follows.
C.I.A. AGENT
Two of them areC.I.A. AGENT 2
Two of them are missing!
C.I.A. Agent glares at C.I.A. Agent 2.
C.I.A. BOSS
We have to assume they have the
disk, send a team.
(to Malory)
Better start on your resume Ms.
Archer.
Malory grumbles, Ray whimpers.
RAY
Ow.

18.

25

INT. ISIS BULLPEN -- CONTINUOUS

Agents run by Pam, Kreiger and Cheryl into the elevator. Pam
uses an arm to cradle LOOSE CHEETOS against herself.
PAM
Where they all going?
KREIGER
Probably to rip out another heart.
CHERYL
Gross.
PAM
Not with the proper gloves.
Beat.
PAM
Well sure its easier to grip
without them but...
(off their looks)
Oh I mean animals.
Kreiger and Cheryl breath a sigh of relief.
PAM
-mostly.
KREIGER
All this because of some silly
disk.
Cheryls eyes light up and she dissappears. Kreiger and Pam
turn to two C.I.A. Agents and begin to engage them in casual
conversation.
PAM
So whats it like working for the
C.I.A.?
C.I.A. AGENT
Eh, I guess medical is pretty good.
PAM
You guys get medical!?
Cheryl runs full speed at the elevator, SCISSORS in hand.
CHERYL
Your! Not! My! Supervi-

19.
Cheryl is tasered to the ground smiling. The agents by the
elevator look at each other with confused, shrugged
shoulders.
C.I.A. AGENT
It comes in handy.
ARCHER (O.S.)
No it doesnt Lana.
26

EXT. CYRILS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS -- ESTABLISHING

ARCHER (O.S.)
Its an avocado slicer, for slicing
avocados.

27

INT. CYRILS APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS

Cyrils apartment is immaculate and organized. Every drawer
is an amalgamation of perfectly tetrisd utensils. Archer
holds in his hand: an AVOCADO SLICER.
LANA
Yes I know what it does.
ARCHER
Ha! You bought it for him didnt
you? What else? A banana peeler!?
LANA
We went through a phase where we
were eating a lot of guacamole.
ARCHER
The "New Years Eve" of dips?
Archer puts the utensil down and walks away chuckling. Lana
grumbles before looking longingly at an old PICTURE of her
and Cyril.
ARCHER (O.S.)
Hey Lana!
LANA
What is it?
ARCHER (O.S.)
Since Cyrils not here I was
thinking...
Lana walks into Cyrils room where Archer is lying naked on
the bed.

20.

LANA
Jesus Archer! Im not having sex
with you on Cyrils bed!
Beat.
ARCHER
Sofa then?
28

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

MALORY
You know the assistant director
position isnt only open to Cyril.
RAY
Im listening.
MALORY
If you can get that disk from Cyril
and keep it safe, IRAY
I want my own office, medical
and... a seasons pass on broadway.
MALORY
Uh, could you ask for anything
fruitier?
RAY
Two seasons passes.
MALORY
Fine, just make sure Sterling
doesnt get to itARCHER (O.S.)
First!

29

INT. CYRILS APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS

Archer rubs his naked ass across on Cyrils sofa with an old
school gaming JOYSTICK in hand. On the screen is an Atari
style VIDEO GAME. Lana is keeping an eye out the window for
Cyril.
ARCHER
Lana you gotta try this game...
Lana? Lana!
(deep breath)

21.
ARCHER
You know where the liquor cabinet
is?
LANA
How about instead we focus on doing
the thing thats gonna let us keep
our jobs.
ARCHER
Orrrr...
LANA
No! There is no "or!"
ARCHER
Jesus Lana, take an improv class.
Oh and actually dont tell me where
the liquor is, I like to guess.
Archer leaves the room.
more annoyed.

CLOSE UP on Lanas face growing

ARCHER (O.S.)
Above the fridge cupboard? Nope!
Beside the sink? Nope. Oh my god
Lana, oh my god he keeps his liquor
below the sink! Lana thats where
garbage goes!
30

INT. ISIS BULLPEN -- CONTINUOUS

Cheryl gets thrown to the ground, bruises and cuts on her
face, and immediately gets back up.
CHERYL
Rawrr!
ELEVATOR AGENT
(to C.I.A. Boss)
Can we just let this one go? I
think shes getting off on this.
CHERYL
Harder you marshmellow!
Cheryl is thrown to the ground again.
C.I.A. BOSS
Uh sure.
Another agent enters the bullpen.

22.

C.I.A. AGENT 3
Sir another one of them is missing!
C.I.A. Boss glares at Malory who stands in the doorway of
her office. Steel eyed she takes a swig from her HIGHBALL.
Cheryl, now inside of the elevator seductively grasps at the
Elevator Agent to come with her. He shoves her back into
the elevator as the door closes.
CHERYL
Ooohoohoohoohoo!
Meanwhile Pam and Kreiger are fully engaged in their
conversation with the same two C.I.A. Agents about how great
the C.I.A. is.
KREIGER
Did you say annual christmas party?
PAM
We only get one of those if Ms.
Archer doesnt need a room
renovated around that time.
31

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

Malory sits behind her desk again, drink in hand, pondering.
MALORY
Hmmmm, maybe the foyer this year.

32

INT. ISIS BULLPEN -- CONTINUOUS

PAM
So not often... but the snack
machine tilts real easy so its not
all bad.
C.I.A. AGENT
Jim you hearing this?
REVEAL: C.I.A. Agent 2 cradling an arm full of LOOSE
CHEETOS, casually munching on them.
C.I.A. AGENT 2
Sounds like a- Om!- nightmare- Om!what?

23.
C.I.A. AGENT
You know cheat day is wednesday.
PAM
Om! (eats one of the cheetos)
33

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

C.I.A. BOSS
Ill have you know Ms. Archer, if
we find that disk on one of youMALORY
Presuming we have it
C.I.A. BOSS
There wont be any strings to pull
thatll save you.
MALORY
(mumbling)
Not strings no.
C.I.A. BOSS
What was that?
MALORY
Hmm! Nothing, just praying you get
your precious disk back.
C.I.A. BOSS
Praying?
MALORY
Like the latinos.
C.I.A. BOSS
Right. Better pray for a new way to
pay for that foyer.
MALORY
Wha-ah?
As C.I.A. Boss leaves her office he taps his finger to his
forehead.
C.I.A. BOSS
C.I.A. Ms. Archer.
Malory, shaking, tries to break her glass with just her
grip. She tries both hands. She still cant break it so she
finishes the drink and throws it at the floor. It bounces
unbroken and lays in the middle of her office.

24.

She begins to poor herself another drink.

LANA (O.S.)
Another drink?
34

INT. CYRILS APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS

Archer now fully dressed.
ARCHER
Lana were in the apartment of a
fugitive. Its practically a crime
not to drink all his liquor.
LANA
This is Cyril were talking about.
ARCHER
Which by the way shouldnt he have
been here by now.
Lana looking out the window.
LANA
He must have come earlier than
expected.
ARCHER
Bet thats not the first time
youve saidLANA
Shut upARCHER
That.
LANA
Which means hes probably hiding
somewhere he knows we wouldnt
expect him.
ARCHER
A tendy wardrobe or a G-spot?
LANA
For your infARCHER
Oh god damnit I know where he is!

25.

35

EXT. ARCHERS APARTMENT - ESTABLISHING -- CONTINUOUS

WOODHOUSE (O.S.)
Can I offer you some tea, sir?

36

INT. ARCHERS APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS

REVEAL: Cyril awkwardly sits on the sofa beside Baby
Abbijean, who is propped up beside him.
CYRIL
Just a spot would be fine.
END ACT TWO

26.
ACT THREE
37

EXT. ARCHERS APARTMENT -- ESTABLISHING -- EVENING

BABY ABBIJEAN (O.S.)
Waaaaahhhh!

38

INT. ARCHERS APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS

Cyril gently rocks Baby Abbijean in his arms on the couch.
CYRIL
There, there Baby Abbiejean?
(aside to self)
A name I would not have gone with.
BABY ABBIEJEAN
Waaah!
CYRIL
There, there, little um... Cyrilla
Figgus?
Baby Abbiejean giggles.
CYRIL
Oh [chuckles], you kind of liked
that didnt you... Cyrilla.
Baby Abbiejean giggles again.
CYRIL
Did you hear that Woodhouse?
WOODHOUSE
(sarcastic)
Mhm yes, a resounding agreement.
CYRIL
Well I think it was.
(to AJ)
Let me ask you this. Which would
you rather? To grow up being shot
at or work with a bunch of fun
numbers?
ARCHER (O.S.)
How about the number five?
REVEAL: Archer and Lana standing in the doorway. Archer has
his WALTHER PPK drawn.

27.
ARCHER
As in the amount of seconds to hand
over A.J. before I turn your
sweatervest into a colander for
your intestines.
CYRIL
Ah!
LANA
Archer put down the gun, hes got
Abbiejean.
CYRIL
And I might do something!
Lana slowly walks over to Cyril.
LANA
Youre gonna hand me Abbiejean
right now Cyril. Because if you do
not, Im gonna do that disgusting
thing Archer just said, with my
hands. And we both know how you
feel about them.
Cyril gulps then swiftly hands over Abbiejean.
LANA
Good... Archer...
Archer punches Cyril in the gut.
ARCHER
That is for breaking into my
apartment!
CYRIL
(breathless)
Woodhouse let me in.
Woodhouse can be seen briskly vacating the room.
ARCHER
Woodhouse I swear to god, you
better have picked me up polyester
today!
Archer punches Cyril hard again.
ARCHER
That is for pretending my child is
yours -- which okay... Im starting
to feel the pangs of irony.

28.
Archer kicks him one last time to the ground.
ARCHER
And that, is for taking the C.I.A.
disk that Im really hoping was not
on your person right now.
CYRIL
(wheezing)
There!
Cyril points to THE DISK lying on the coffee table.
ARCHER
Oh perfect. Well alright. Finally
Ill be able to get rid of Popeye.
LANA
Sorry what?
ARCHER
Well obsiously Im not giving it
back to the C.I.A. With this kind
of leverage I can for sure get rid
of the laundromat andLANA
Hold on a second.
Lana passes A.J. to a breathless Cyril.
LANA
If anyone is getting something out
of this its gonna beLana plucks THE DISK from Archers hand, but he manages to
re-grab the end.
ARCHER
The one who deserves it.
LANA
Oh ha and thats you?
ARCHER
Uh yeahLANA
Yeah!?
ARCHER
Certainly not the one who just
handed her baby back to a fugitive.

29.
LANA
Hyah!
Lana head butts Archer in the face resulting in a bleeding
nose for him.
ARCHER
What the shit Lana!
Lana now has complete possesion of THE DISK.
onto the RUG from Archers face.
Great!

Blood drips

ARCHER
Are you happy?
LANA

Yuuup.
ARCHER
Cause these rugs are not
cheap! Theyre not... polyester
Lana!
RAY (O.S.)
Oh please, theyre certainly not
olefin.
REVEAL: Ray in the doorway holding a GUN at them.
LANA
Ray?
ARCHER
Ray?
CYRIL
(breathless)
Ray?
RAY
Put down the disk.
Lana begins to put down THE DISK.
LANA
Uh Ray, Honey were kind of doing a
no gun thing with A.J. in the room.
RAY
Oh, okay sure, but Im still taking
the disk.
Ray lowers his gun and grabs THE DISK.

30.
CYRIL
(breathless)
Assistant Director?
RAY
Ya she really gets around.
ARCHER
Phrasing! Also thats not gonna
happen Ray.
RAY
Your mother getting around or- ahh!
Archer launches himself at Ray who blocks two hits then
roundhouse kicks Archer with his bionic legs into a
breathless husk beside Cyril.
ARCHER
(breathless)
Uh... forgot about the robot legs.
CYRIL
(breathless)
Ha...
ARCHER
(breathless)
Shut up... oh I definitely have
internal bleeding.
LANA
Ray... I can count on you to...
RAY
Oh I got you honey.
PAM (O.S.)
And me?
REVEAL: Pam standing in the doorway.
RAY/LANA
Pam?
CYRIL
(breathless)
Pam?
ARCHER
Pa- oh hey so now that I have a
closer look, the rug does seem to
be mostly polyester.

31.

RAY
Duhh
(to Pam)
What are you doing here?
PAM
Grabbing this, thank you.
Pam grabs THE DISK from Rays hand.
RAY
You too?
PAM
What you mean you too? Were you
guys offered jobs at the C.I.A. for
betraying everyone also?
LANA
Hold on, your with the
C.I.A.? Ray...
RAY
On it.
Ray goes to kick Pam with his bionic legs but she catches
them in her strength and tosses Ray across the room, who
lands in a husk beside Cyril and Archer.
RAY
(breathless, looks at rug)
Polyester/Acryllic blend.
ARCHER
Duh.
Lana draws her TEC-9 at Pam.
LANA
Okay game over, time to give me the
diskCLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!
REVEAL: Several C.I.A. Agents are lined up at the door with
their M-16s drawn.
LANA
-so I can hand it over to the
proper authorities.

32.
RAY
Dukes! How did they get here?
39

EXT. KREIGERS VAN -- ESTABLISHING -- CONTINUOUS

Kreigers VAN, airbrushed in the style of Rushs album "A
Farewell to Kings" reading "A Farewell to Kreigers" with his
likeness added to the art, is parked on the street below
Archers Building.
KREIGER (O.S.)
Sorry I usually have blankets and
pillows.

40

INT. KREIGERS VAN -- CONTINUOUS

C.I.A. Agents and Kriegers Virtual Girlfriend uncomfortably
squat and hunch in the back of Kreigers Van.
C.I.A. AGENT
For?
Kreigers eyes widen.

41

INT. ARCHERS APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS

C.I.A. Boss proudly enters the apartment.
C.I.A. BOSS
Well it looks like youll all be
enjoying the inside of a cell for
years to come.
ARCHER
Thanks for the update Robert Hooke.
Everyone looks at each other confused.
ARCHER
The- oh nevermind.
PAM
Here ya go.
C.I.A. Boss grabs THE DISK from Pam and heads over to the
wall screen where he inserts it.
ARCHER
Well at least Ray will have some
perks in prison.

33.

CYRIL
Eyuh, gross.
RAY
Hes right, pretty much a life
sentence of sploosh.
LANA
Look this has been a
misunderstanding that Im sure can
beThe screen blinks on showing the VIDEO GAME Archer was
playing at Cyrils Apartment.
ARCHER
Oh my god I love that game!
C.I.A. BOSS
This isPAM
Awwwww.
LANA
Like I said... a misunderstanding.
C.I.A. Boss and agents begin to leave.
C.I.A. BOSS
Dont think there wont still be
reprimands for this.
Beat.
ARCHER
Anyone else smell like- a ton of
copper?
RAY
I wish.
The last of the agents leave the apartment.
LANA
(to Archer)
Well alright, I gotta say, good job
on the switch.
ARCHER
What are you talking about, I
thought you switched them.

34.

PAM
So if none of you tampered with
it...
ARCHER
Cyril what exactly did my mother
tell you to do with the disk?
CYRIL
To wait here at your apartment.
42

INT. ISIS BULLPEN -- CONTINUOUS

The bullpen is now completely empty, the C.I.A. having
mobilized on Archers apartment.

43

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

Only Malory remains, sipping on her HIGHBALL.
from her desk.

She gets up

LANA (O.S.)
She didnt tell you it needed to
get to a specific location?
Malory strolls into the bullpen.
44

INT. ISIS BULLPEN -- CONTINUOUS

RAY (O.S.)
Or if she was going to meet you?
Malory disappears into the supply closet, drink still in
hand.
CYRIL (O.S.)
Well- no IARCHER (O.S.)
Cyril you idiot.

45

INT. SUPPLY CLOSET -- CONTINUOUS

Malory reaches underneath a shelf of paper and rubber cement
and grabs THE DISK.

35.

46

INT. MALORYS OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS

Back in her office she pops it into the screen behind her
desk and devilishly grins.
MALORY
Welcome back ISIS.
The screen pops up and its... the exact same VIDEO GAME
from Cyrils place and Archers apartment.
Wh- uh!

MALORY
It cant be!

CHERYL (O.S.)
Now who has the power!?
CLOSE UP on Cheryls face.
CHERYL
Hoohoohahahaha.
47

REVEAL: INT. CHERYLS MANSION -- CONTINUOUS

Cheryl stands before her fireplace, bathing in its
flickering light, holding THE DISK. She smiles then tosses
it into the FIRE.
CHERYL
(sexual shivers)
SLAM TO CREDITS