FAMILY GUY

"Scott Baio is Coming From the Westside"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

ACT ONE
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
BRIAN and STEWIE are watching TV.
(ON TV) INT. TV SET - DAY
ELLEN DEGENERES is sitting alongside 50 CENT and GUCCI MANE.
ELLEN DEGENERES
Alright. Welcome back. I'm here with
rappers 50 Cent and Gucci Mane -- who
have joined us today because they've
decided to end their long standing
feud.
50 CENT
Wait a second. What feud? I don't
remember having no feud with Gucci
Mane.
GUCCI MANE
Yeah. Me neither.
ELLEN DEGENERES
Oh. Well, um. You guys are too high to
remember your feud.
50 CENT
(ANGRY) That's true! I'll bet I have
all kinds of beef with Gucci Mane that
I don't remember! (TO GUCCI MANE) I'm
gonna beat your ass!
50 Cent attacks Gucci Mane, and they fight.

(CONTINUED)

2.
CONTINUED:

Music starts playing, and Ellen gets up and dances while 50

Cent and Gucci Mane continue to fight.
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
STEWIE
Now I get why people watch this show.
The doorbell rings. Brian opens the door to reveal SCOTT
BAIO.
SCOTT BAIO
How you doing? I just moved into the
neighborhood, and I was wondering if
there are any women here you need me
to sleep with, or any sitcoms you need
me to star in.
BRIAN
Aren't you the guy from Happy Days and
Charles in Charge?
SCOTT BAIO
Yeah. I'm Scott Baio. I'm the guy from
Happy Days, and Charles and Charge,
and the new upcoming reality show
titled I'm Scott Baio -- the Guy From
Happy Days and Charles in Charge.
BRIAN
I see. Well, Scott Baio -- there are
no women here we need you to sleep
with, or sitcoms we need you to star
in.

(CONTINUED)

3.
CONTINUED:

SCOTT BAIO
Well. If there are any later, let me
know. By the way -- I'm a very
versatile actor and sex-man. I can
play a wide variety of characters, and
I can sleep with a wide variety of
women. Would you like to see my acting
reel and/or my sex-man reel?
BRIAN
No.
SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING MORK FROM MORK & MINDY)
Nanu nanu.
EXT. YACHT - DAY
PETER, QUAGMIRE, JOE, and CLEVELAND are chatting on a crowded
yacht.
CLEVELAND
This is the way to spend a weekend. At
a yacht party.
PETER
Little known fact: yacht is spelled YA-C-H-T.
JOE
We know.
PETER
Little known fact: Even though yacht
is spelled Y-A-C-H-T, it's pronounced
"yacht."
(CONTINUED)

4.
CONTINUED:

QUAGMIRE
Peter. Do you know what the expression
"little known fact" means?
PETER
Little known fact: I don't know what
the expression "little know fact"
means.
JOE
It means a fact that very few people
know.
PETER
Oh. I get it. You're saying that yacht
is pronounced yeah-ch-t (pronounces
yacht the way it's spelled).
ALEX (35) walks up to them.
ALEX
Are you guys having fun?
PETER
Absolutely, Quagmire's cousin Alex -the one who invited all of us onto
this yeah-ch-t.
QUAGMIRE
Peter. Just call it a "big boat" from
now on.

(CONTINUED)

5.
CONTINUED: (2)

PETER
(TO ALEX) This an amazing big boat,
Quagmire's cousin Alex. You must be
rich.
ALEX
Oh yeah. I'm very rich. (SCOFFS) And
my mother told me I'd never amount to
anything.
ALEX'S MOTHER (60) is standing by him.
ALEX'S MOTHER
I didn't say that. I said you'd be
President of the United States.
ALEX
The point is, you were wrong. (TO
PETER, JOE, AND QUAGMIRE) I'm rich.
Very rich. ... And my mother told me
I'd be President of the United States.
What an idiot!
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
Scott Baio is watching TV with Brian and Stewie.
SCOTT BAIO
This is pretty fun. But do you know
what would make it funner?
STEWIE
I think I know. Waving our hands in
the air, like we just don't care.
(WAVES HIS HANDS IN THE AIR) Look.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

6.
CONTINUED:
STEWIE (CONT'D)

I'm waving my hands in the air. Like I

just don't care.
SCOTT BAIO
I was gonna say that we should do
cocaine. Do you guys have any?
BRIAN
No.
SCOTT BAIO
Because if you do have cocaine, I can
snort if for you. I can snort a wide
variety of substances, in a wide
variety of ways. For instance, if you
have some Ecuadorian cocaine on the
floor, I can just suck it all up my
nose, like I'm a vacuum cleaner.
STEWIE
(ANGRILY) We don't have any cocaine,
Scott Baio! (CALMS DOWN, AND STARTS
WAVING HIS HANDS) Now put your hands
in the air, and wave them like you
just don't care.
SCOTT BAIO
... Do you guys have any hookers?
Because if you do, I can have sex with
them for you. I won't even charge you.

(CONTINUED)

7.
CONTINUED: (2)

BRIAN
Um. Let me ask you a question, Scott
Baio. Why are exactly are you in our
house?
SCOTT BAIO
What do you mean why? I'm Scott Baio.
I'm new to the neighborhood. We're
hanging out. We're becoming buddies.
BRIAN
You called me a liberal douchebag
idiot five minutes ago.
SCOTT BAIO
But I'm a broadminded guy -- so I'm
willing to hang out with liberal
douchebag idiots like you. (IMITATING
BARBARINO FROM WELCOME BACK, KOTTER)
Up your nose with a rubber hose.
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are seated at a table.
PETER
Man. That big boat party was awesome.
I'm surprised it ended so early. Is
your cousin gonna have another party
tomorrow?

(CONTINUED)

8.
CONTINUED:

QUAGMIRE
Probably not. He's living with me now.
He spent all of his money -- and the
bank took away his yacht and sold it
to Dr. Oz.
EXT. YACHT - DAY
KANYE WEST is snorting cocaine on the yacht deck, while DR.
OZ stands nearby.
KANYE WEST
(RAPS) Kanye West and Dr. Oz /
Snorting that blow and living real
large / I am a negro / He is Caucasian
/ We're doing yayo / I'm on probation
(STOPS RAPPING) Yo Oz. This is the
best yeah-ch-t party I've ever been
to. Is this yayo Bolivian?
DR. OZ
Yes. Little known fact. Bolivian
cocaine contains a compound that can
be used to treat yeast infections.
KANYE WEST
(TO KIM KARDASHIAN) Yo Kim! Do you
have a yeast infection?
KIM KARDASHIAN is standing several yards away from him.
KIM KARDASHIAN
No.

(CONTINUED)

9.
CONTINUED:

KANYE WEST
(RAPS) Kanye West is sailing east /
Kim's vagina ain't got no yeast
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
CLEVELAND
Your cousin spent all his money today?
QUAGMIRE
Yeah.
CLEVELAND
When did he make all that money?
QUAGMIRE
Yesterday.
CLEVELAND
How?
QUAGMIRE
By making an app.
PETER
Is that anything like taking a crap?
QUAGMIRE
No.
PETER
But those words rhyme. Therefore, they
mean the same thing.
QUAGMIRE
That's not how words work, Peter.

(CONTINUED)

10.
CONTINUED:

PETER
Sure it is. Haven't you ever read a
tyrannosaurus?
QUAGMIRE
You mean thesaurus?
PETER
Same thing. Tyrannosaurus and
thesaurus rhyme -- so they're
cinnamons.
JOE
You mean "synonyms?"
PETER
Cinnamons and synonyms are also
cinnamons.
CLEVELAND
(TO QUAGMIRE) So what kind of app did
your cousin make?
QUAGMIRE
A dating app that helps you meet
lesbian ghosts. He went on the show
Shark Tank, and sold his app to Mark
Cuban for $20 million.
PETER
$20 million?! Are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?
Close up on Joe's head.

(CONTINUED)

11.
CONTINUED: (2)

JOE (V.O.)
Cops is filmed on location with the
men and women of law enforcement.
Close up on Cleveland's head.
CLEVELAND (V.O.)
I'm the only person in this bar with a
mustache.
Close up on Quagmire's head.
QUAGMIRE (V.O.)
Get that camera away from me.
Zoom out from Quagmire's head.
Close up on Peter's head.
PETER (V.O.)
I even saw the lights of the Goodyear
blimp. And it read, "Ice Cube's a
pimp." Wait. Now I'm having another
thought. We should make an app.
PETER
We should make an app.
Close up on Joe's head.
JOE (V.O.)
That's a stupid idea.
Close up on Cleveland's head.
CLEVELAND (V.O.)
That's a stupid idea.
Close up on Quagmire's head.

(CONTINUED)

12.
CONTINUED: (3)

QUAGMIRE (V.O.)
I'm gonna haves sex with a honeydew
melon.
Close up on Peter's head
PETER (V.O.)
I even saw the lights of the Goodyear
blimp. And it read, "Ice Cube's a
pimp."
JOE
Peter -- that's a stupid idea.
PETER
Are you saying Ice Cube is not a pimp?
JOE
Making an app is a stupid idea.
PETER
But Quagmire's cousin got rich.
CLEVELAND
99.999% of people who make an app
don't get rich.
PETER
Well. I am gonna get rich, because I'm
gonna be part of the 88.888%.
JOE
That's not how numbers work, Peter.
PETER
Sure it is. They're cinnamons.
END OF ACT ONE

13.

ACT TWO
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
Brian, Stewie, and Scott Baio are still watching TV.
SCOTT BAIO
Let's watch some Fox News.
BRIAN
Well. I'm not really a fan of that
channel.
SCOTT BAIO
Yeah. Because you're a liberal
douchebag idiot. I'm not a doctor -but I play one on TV. By the way -- do
you guys have any PCP? Because if you
do, I can smoke it for you.
BRIAN
Don't you have to, like, go film your
reality show?
SCOTT BAIO
Oh. Right. My reality show.
He takes out his cell phone and begins recording himself.
SCOTT BAIO (CONTD)
Scott Baio's reality show. Take one.
Hi. I'm Scot Baio -- and this is my
reality show. I'm gonna masturbate now
-- but I'm gonna keep the camera on my
face the entire time, since this is a
family program.

(CONTINUED)

14.
CONTINUED:

BRIAN
Um. Me and Stewie -- we gotta get
going. We have to be at a, um ...
STEWIE
Liberal douchebag convention.
SCOTT BAIO
Oh. Well. I'll go with you.
BRIAN
Or you can go to your home.
SCOTT BAIO
Don't be stupid, Brian. That doesn't
make any sense.
BRIAN
Stewie. Can I see you in the kitchen
for a moment?
STEWIE
Yes. But first, put your hands in the
air, and wave them like you just don't
care.
BRIAN
No.
STEWIE
If you don't, I'm gonna ask Scott Baio
to give us a rundown of what
substances he can snort up his nose.

(CONTINUED)

15.
CONTINUED: (2)

BRIAN
Fine. (WAVES HIS HANDS) I'm waving my
hands, Stewie. Are you happy?
STEWIE
Well. The thing is, it seems like you
care. I want you to wave your hands in
the air like you just don't care.
BRIAN
(CONTINUES WAVING HIS HANDS) I don't
care, Stewie. I don't care.
STEWIE
Now repeat after me. Say, "Hey, yo."
BRIAN
Hey, yo.
STEWIE
Hey, yo.
BRIAN
Hey, yo.
STEWIE
Hey, hey.
BRIAN
Hey, hey.
STEWIE
Hey, hey.
BRIAN
Hey, hey.

(CONTINUED)

16.
CONTINUED: (3)

STEWIE
(CHANTING LIKE A RAPPER) All the
bitches in the house, take off your
clothes.
BRIAN
Just get in the damn kitchen, Stewie!
INT. GRIFFIN'S KITCHEN - DAY
STEWIE
So. What do you want to talk about?
BRIAN
How are we gonna get rid of Scott
Baio?
STEWIE
Well. He'll probably leave at some
point over the next several hours. I
guess we'll just wait.
BRIAN
Right. Yeah.
They walk back into the living room.
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY
Scot Baio is setting up a tent.
BRIAN
Um. This might be a dumb question -but is that a tent?
SCOTT BAIO
Yeah.

(CONTINUED)

17.
CONTINUED:

BRIAN
Um. This might also be a dumb question
-- but what do you intend to do with
that tent?
SCOTT BAIO
Mostly sleep in it, and have sex in
it, and maybe wave my hands in the air
in it, like I just don't care.
STEWIE
That's the spirit!
BRIAN
(TO SCOTT BAIO) Remember how earlier,
you said something about being new to
the neighborhood? Does that mean you
also have a home in the neighborhood?
SCOTT BAIO
Don't be stupid, Brian. Why would I
have a home, when I have a tent in the
middle of your living room?
BRIAN
Fair point.
INT. APPLE STORE - DAY
Peter and some other CUSTOMERS are standing near the laptops.
Peter turns to a MAN who's typing on a laptop.
PETER
You think you're better than me, just
because you know how to type fast?

(CONTINUED)

18.
CONTINUED:

MAN
Uh. No.
PETER
Hey. Them's fightin' words where I
come from!
Peter takes off his shirt.
PETER (CONTD)
Massachusetts! I come from
Massachusetts!
An APPLE GENIUS (male, 30) walks up to Peter.
APPLE GENIUS
Sir. Can I help you?
PETER
Yeah. I need you to make an app for
me. A good app. One that'll make me
part of the 88.888%, instead of the
99.999%. Don't make one of those
stupid apps, that, um, smell like
cheese, and are only SPF 10.
APPLE GENIUS
Sir. I'm not really qualified to deal
with a person who's at your level of
stupidity.

(CONTINUED)

19.
CONTINUED: (2)

PETER
Fine. I'll dumb it down for you. I
need you to make an app that's, like,
really awesome, so I can buy a big
boat.
APPLE GENIUS
Sir. Here at the Apple Store, we don't
make apps for people.
PETER
Oh. I see what you're saying. You're
saying I should hire a Taiwanese kid
to make the app for me.
APPLE GENIUS
That's not what I'm saying at all.
PETER
Oh. I see what you're saying. A Korean
kid.
INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Brian, Stewie, and Scott Baio are watching TV.
SCOTT BAIO
Man. Bill O'Reilly is right about
everything. He's on an amazing right
streak. His last 24 opinions have been
100% right. Isn't he right about
everything, Brian -- you dumb, liberal
son of a bitch?

(CONTINUED)

20.
CONTINUED:

The doorbell rings. Brian opens the door to reveal a POLICE

OFFICER (male, 40).
POLICE OFFICER
Hi. You called about someone who won't
leave your house.
BRIAN
Yes.
POLICE OFFICER
(LOOKS INSIDE) Holy crap! It's Scott
Baio!
SCOTT BAIO
I say the exact same thing every
morning when I look in the mirror to
shave.
POLICE OFFICER
Wow! I'm a huge fan of yours.
SCOTT BAIO
I say the exact same thing every
afternoon when I look in the mirror to
masturbate.
POLICE OFFICER
I'll bet! (WALKS IN AND LOOKS AT THE
TV SCREEN) Hey. Bill O'Reilly. This is
my favorite show.
The office sits down.
SCOTT BAIO
Mine, too! (IMITATING ARI GOLD FROM
ENTOURAGE) Let's hug it out, bitch.
(CONTINUED)

21.
CONTINUED: (2)

POLICE OFFICER
Sounds good.
Scott Baio and the Police Officer hug.
BRIAN
(TO THE POLICE OFFICER) Um. Remember
that whole thing I said earlier, about
the guy who won't leave my home?
POLICE OFFICER
Right. Yeah.
BRIAN
Well. I was referring to Scott Baio.
He's the guy who won't leave my home.
POLICE OFFICER
Why would you want Scott Baio to leave
your home?
SCOTT BAIO
Don't mind him. He says a lot of dumb
stuff that makes no sense. Do you want
to sleep over? I got a tent and
everything.
POLICE OFFICER
That would be great!
SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING BEAVIS FROM BEAVIS AND
BUTTHEAD)I am Cornholio!
Peter enters.

(CONTINUED)

22.
CONTINUED: (3)

SCOTT BAIO (CONTD)

Norm!
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
Peter is seated at a table with Joe and Quagmire.
JOE
So. Are you still doing the app thing?
PETER
Yeah. Last night, Scott Baio called up
this Korean computer genius named
Charles Ho -- and this afternoon, me
and Charles Ho had a meeting, and I
hired him. He's gets 20% of the
profits plus all the food he can eat -and he handles all of my company's
technical stuff.
QUAGMIRE
And what do you handle?
PETER
Mostly the non-technical stuff.
QUAGMIRE
Such as?
PETER
Whether we should order Original
Recipe or Extra Crispy.
INT. KFC - DAY (FLASHBACK SCENE)
Peter walks up to a CASHIER (male, 30).

(CONTINUED)

23.
CONTINUED:

PETER
Can we have a 12 piece bucket, with
half Original Recipe, and half Extra
Crispy?
KFC EMPLOYEE
Sure.
Peter punches the Employee and grabs his collar.
PETER
OK! I'm not messing around anymore!
What are the secret herbs and spices?!
KFC EMPLOYEE
I don't know!
PETER
Salt! Is salt one of them?!
KFC EMPLOYEE
Probably.
PETER
What about pepper?
KFC EMPLOYEE
Fine! You win! The 11 secret herbs and
spices are salt, pepper, more salt,
more pepper, more salt, more pepper, a
little more salt, a little more
pepper, MSG, salt, pepper, salt, and
pepper.

(CONTINUED)

24.
CONTINUED: (2)

PETER
Little known fact: Colonel is
pronounced cuh-LOW-nul.
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
CLEVELAND
In other words, someone else is making
the actual app, and in return, you're
buying him chicken.
PETER
Yeah. I mean, that's how 99.999% of
businesses work. It's trickle down
economics.
JOE
Well what kind of an app is he making?
PETER
I'm CEO. I can't concern myself with
minor details about apps, and what
kind of apps the apps are, and how
much wood a woodchuck is chucking. I
need to focus on important CEO stuff.
QUAGMIRE
Like chicken.
PETER
Among other things.
QUAGMIRE
Such as?

(CONTINUED)

25.
CONTINUED:

PETER
Gravy.
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - NIGHT
The Griffin Family is eating dinner.
LOIS
Honey. Who's that guy sitting next to
you?
The camera changes to reveal CHARLES (16, Korean).
PETER
This is Charles Ho -- my Vice
President of CEO Technological
Development Managing Director of
Developmental Operations, Jr. the
Third, Nick Knack, Paddwack, Give a
Dog an Iphone App.
Charles is busy working on a laptop computer, while holding a
piece of meatloaf with one hand and taking a bite out of it.
LOIS
Peter. What the hell are you talking
about?
CHRIS
(speaks Korean to Charles)
CHARLES
(responds in Korean)
Chris and Charles both let out a traditional Asian laugh.
LOIS
Chris -- you speak Korean?

(CONTINUED)

26.
CONTINUED:

CHRIS
I don't think so, mom.
BRIAN
Um. Sorry to interrupt -- but aren't
any of you curious about how Scott
Baio is sitting here in our kitchen,
and how last night he slept in a tent
in our living room?
The camera reveals Scot Baio eating directly out of his plate
like he's a dog.
PETER
Not really.
CHRIS
No.
LOIS
Of course not. I mean, he's Scott
Baio. Of course he's gonna camp out in
our living room.
SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING EDDIE HASKELL FROM LEAVE IT
TO BEAVER) Gee, Mrs. Cleaver. This
meatloaf is out of this world. Do I
detect a hint of oregano?
He picks up the plate and throws it against a wall.
CHARLES
(TO PETER) OK. I finished the app.
PETER
Great.
(CONTINUED)

27.
CONTINUED: (2)

Charles grabs the rest of the meatloaf on the table, and

leaves.
Peter takes out his phone.
PETER (CONTD)
(INTO PHONE) Hi. I'm a millionaire,
and I want to buy a big boat. Do you
have any in fuchsia? (TO LOIS)
They have white and orange.
LOIS
Peter -- hang up the phone!
Peter hangs up.
LOIS (CONTD)
Who was that kid who just left?
SCOTT BAIO
And how come everyone's so obsessed
with Marcia? (IMITATING JAN FROM THE
BRADY BUNCH) Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
PETER
Exactly. The hell with Marcia! (TO
LOIS) Lois -- we're dropping Marcia
from our family, and we're adding
Charles Ho.
LOIS
Who is Charles Ho?
PETER
My Vice President. Me and him make a
great computer team. You know. Just
like Steve Jobs and Steve the Other.
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

28.
CONTINUED: (3)
PETER (CONT'D)

Charles Ho is like Steve the Other,

since he does all the computer stuff.
And I'm like Steve Jobs, because I
order all the chicken.
SCOTT BAIO
I'm Rick James, bitch!
END OF ACT TWO

29.

ACT THREE
EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY
Brian, Stewie, Scott Baio, and the Police Officer are
walking.
SCOTT BAIO
Quahog is a great city. Especially
with me in it.
POLICE OFFICER
Absolutely, bro. It's a great city.
Like, check it out. In Quahog, you can
just pee wherever you want to.
The Police Officer being urinating on the sidewalk.
BRIAN
(TO SCOTT BAIO) Well. You know what
city is even better than Quahog?
Virginia Beach. There are no liberals
there. You'd love it.
SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING DAN AYKROYD ON SNL) Jane,
you ignorant slut! I'm staying right
here in Quahog.
BRIAN
Stewie. Can I talk to you in private
over there for a moment?
Brian and Stewie walk a few feet over.

(CONTINUED)

30.
CONTINUED:

BRIAN (CONTD)
How are we gonna get rid of Scott
Baio?
STEWIE
How about we try making a run for it?
BRIAN
We just tried that twenty minutes ago.
Scott Baio chased me down and tackled
me.
STEWIE
Right. But maybe this time we make a
run for it, you'll realize that a dog
should be able to outrun a 1980s
sitcom actor.
BRIAN
I can't outrun Scott Baio -- OK!? We
need another plan.
SCOTT BAIO
Hey! Are you two gonna chat all day?
Let's go. We got stuff to do.
POLICE OFFICER
Yeah. We gotta go to the other side of
town, and pee there.
STEWIE
(TO BRIAN) I have an idea. (TO SCOTT
BAIO) You see that guy over there?

(CONTINUED)

31.
CONTINUED: (2)

Stewie points to MORTY, who's walking on the sidewalk, 100

yards away from them.
SCOTT BAIO
Yeah.
STEWIE
He stole all of your cocaine and your
hookers.
SCOTT BAIO
Son of a bitch!
Scott Baio takes off running on all fours like a dog, and
rapidly makes his way to Morty. He tackles him and starts
licking his face.
SCOTT BAIO (CONTD)
Give me my coke and hookers!
MORTY
Sir. I can assure you that I don't
have your cocaine or your hookers.
(RECOGNIZES SCOTT BAIO) Holy crap!
You're Scott Baio!
SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING ARCHIE FROM ALL IN THE
FAMILY) Stifle yourself, Edith.
INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY
Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are seated at a table. Peter
enters and sits down with them.
PETER
Alright, guys. The app is finished.
JOE
Well what kind of app is it?

(CONTINUED)

32.
CONTINUED:

PETER
I don't know.
JOE
Well. How many downloads has your app
gotten?
PETER
I don't know. Charles is in charge of
those things.
Scott Baio, the Police Officer, and Morty walk in and up to
their table.
QUAGMIRE
Scott Baio?
SCOTT BAIO
I heard someone say "Charles in
Charge." Are you guys doing a Charles
in Charge reunion show?
MORTY
(TO EVERYONE) Little known fact. Any
time someone says "Charles in Charge,"
Scott Baio makes an appearance because
he thinks it's a Charles in Charge
reunion show.
SCOTT BAIO
(TO EVERYONE) I can play Charles. Let
me show you. Here we go. "Whoa, baby!"
"You're in big trouble, mister." "You
got it, dude."

(CONTINUED)

33.
CONTINUED: (2)

QUAGMIRE
Those are Michelle's catchphrases on
Full House.
SCOTT BAIO
Fool -- you don't go to college to be
talkin' to no bitches. Yo black ass
'posed to be learnin' somethin'.
QUAGMIRE
That's Ice Cube from Boyz n the Hood.
POLICE OFFICER
(TO SCOT BAIO) Can't learn shit
talkin' to no stupid ass bitch
MARK CUBAN walks in to the bar.
MARK CUBAN
Peter! What's up, homey! You know that
app I bought from you? It's freaking
amazing!
SCOTT BAIO
I ain't no criminal! I can read,
bitch!
MARK CUBAN
Wow! It's Scott Baio!
He punches Scott Baio in the face, and walks away.
CLEVELAND
(TO PETER) You sold your app to Mark
Cuban?

(CONTINUED)

34.
CONTINUED: (3)

PETER
For $20 million.
SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING DJ FROM FULL HOUSE) Oh
Mylanta!
Mark Cuban punches Scott Baio in the face, and then walks
away.
PETER
Now if you guys will excuse me, I
gotta go buy, like, everything.
QUAGMIRE
Peter. Slow down. You don't want to
blow your money the way my cousin Alex
did.
Quagmire looks over Peter's seat, and notices that he's gone,
as are Scott Baio, Morty, and the Police Officer.
QUAGMIRE (CONTD)
Peter? (TO JOE) What the hell happened
to Peter? And Scott Baio.
Quagmire's phone rings.
QUAGMIRE (CONTD)
(ON PHONE) Peter. Where are you?
EXT. PAYPHONE - DAY
Peter is talking on a payphone.
PETER
Um. I, um. I spent all the money.
QUAGMIRE
What? How?

(CONTINUED)

35.
CONTINUED:

PETER
I got a little carried away after I
left. You know how it is. One you
start spending money, you go through
it pretty quickly.
QUAGMIRE
How the hell did you spend $20 million
in eight seconds?
PETER
Hey. I only got 16 Million. The rest
went to the Koreans.
QUAGMIRE
How the hell did you spend $16 million
in eight seconds?
PETER
Actually, it was six seconds. And, you
know. It's the usual story. I bought
too many big boats, I ate too many
endangered species -- plus, Scott Baio
is part of my entourage, and that guy
can do a lot of Panamanian yayo.
Scott Baio, the Police Officer, and Morty are standing behind
Peter at the payphone.
POLICE OFFICER
(TO SCOTT BAIO) I thought we snorted
Bolivian yayo.

(CONTINUED)

36.
CONTINUED: (2)

SCOTT BAIO
(IMITATING UNCLE JOEY FROM FULL HOUSE)
Cut it out.
PETER
(INTO PHONE) Yeah. The bank
repossessed everything -- including my
cell phone. But the good news is that
Mark Cuban paid me in cash, so I don't
have to pay income taxes.
An IRS AGENT wearing an "IRS AGENT" t-shirt is standing
behind Peter.
IRS AGENT
What did you say?
PETER
None of your business! This is an A
and B conversation -- so why don't you
make like a tree, and C?
POLICE OFFICER
(TO IRS AGENT) Yeah. You liberal
douchebag idiot.
SCOTT BAIO
We be clubbin! Everybody likes when
the girl shakes something!
PETER
Wow, Scott Baio. You always know the
perfect thing to say.
SCOTT BAIO
Westside!

37.

INT. GRIFFINS' LIVING ROOM - DAY

Stewie and Brian are watching TV. The doorbell rings. Brian
opens the door to reveal DAVID SCHWIMMER
DAVID SHWIMMER
Hi. I just moved into the
neighborhood, and I was wondering
if...
BRIAN
Aren't you the guy who played Ross on
Friends?
DAVID SCHWIMMER
Yeah. I'm David Schw...
Brian slams the door in his face.
INT. GRIFFINS' KITCHEN - DAY
Peter is sitting at the table, eating jelly straight out a
jar with his finger.
Meg walks in.
MEG
Hi, dad.
PETER
Hey. Um. Were you in this episode?
MEG
Not really.
PETER
I remember seeing you somewhere in it.

(CONTINUED)

38.
CONTINUED:

MEG
Oh. Yeah. I was sitting at the table
during dinner -- but I didn't really
say anything.
PETER
Right.
MEG
So what's up?
PETER
Nothing really. We're just filling up
some time so the show will be 30
minutes long.
MEG
Oh.
PETER
Yeah. This scene has no relevance to
anything. I'm eating jelly out of a
jar with my finger.
MEG
I see. Um -- do you want to start a
new plot or something?
PETER
Well -- we're gonna have to wrap it up
in, like, a minute. Oh. I got a good
one.
(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

39.
CONTINUED: (2)
PETER (CONT'D)

How about I meet Keith Hernandez in a

gym locker room, and then I become
friends with him, and he dates you,
and I say, "Hello, Newman," and George
is like, "Say Vandelay Industries!"
MEG
Well. We have like 30 seconds left to
do all of that.
PETER
OK. Step one. Let's find out which gym
Keith Hernandez goes to.
MEG
We don't have enough time to find
Keith Hernandez.
Brian walks through the door.
PETER
OK. Brian can be Keith Hernandez.
BRIAN
What?
Scott Baio walks in.
PETER
And Scott Baio -- you're George.
SCOTT BAIO
Say Vandelay Industries! Say Vandelay!
PETER
Perfect.