The Hysterical History of the Trojan War

ACT I - PARIS AND HELEN RUN TO TROY.

The Cast of Characters can be found at the end of the play with suggestions for doubling characters if needed.
The stage has large wall upstage which is the wall of Troy. It can even be a small wall so the actors' heads can look
over it. The land and shore outside Troy is in the left part of the stage. The ocean is offstage in the audience. Before
the play, an actor (Poseidon) can warm up the audience by having them pretend to be the ocean and PARIS and
HELEN can sail through them. Poseidon has complete control of the ocean audience. They could even do battle with
some Spartan Greeks before the play as PARIS and HELEN flee. The audience should be divided into two sides:
Spartan and Trojan. At different times during the play, the Spartan and Trojan sides of the audience will cheer for their
people (ATHENA directs the Spartan side. ATHENA says "This is..." and the audience cheers "Sparta!". HELEN leads
the other side in the cheer. HELEN says, "Goooo..." and audience yells "Troy!"). You should practice this at the start
of the play. The final Trojan cheer goes to PARIS and HELEN as they successfully make their way to the left side of
the stage from the ocean. PARIS and HELEN act like goofy teenagers.
PARIS: Wow, we like totally ditched those Greeks. Eat our waves, dudes.
HELEN: You were like, so totally brave.
PARIS: I know. And you're, like... sooo pretty.
HELEN: I know. Are you really a prince?
PARIS: Prince of the greatest city ever... Troy!

Music can play as lights come up on the walls of Troy. The walls appear like they are made of gold (use glitter).
HELEN: It's pretty.
PARIS: Not as pretty as you.
HELEN: I know. Aren't your walls like totally... tall?
PARIS: The tallest and the strongest. They say Poseidon himself helped build them.
HELEN: No way...
PARIS: Way!
HELEN: Cool!
PARIS: Want to see inside?
HELEN: Do I ever.
CASSANDRA rushes out and stops them.
CASSANDRA: Beware!
HELEN: Who's that?
PARIS: My sister, Cassandra. What's wrong now? Somebody going to kidnap a puppy again?
CASSANDRA: Don't bring Helen inside, Paris. She will only bring doom on our city. Dooooom!
PARIS: Oh, come on, Cassandra. Get out of the way.
CASSANDRA: Doooooooooom!
PARIS pushes CASSANDRA out of the way and they go inside the wall.
HELEN: Freak.
CASSANDRA stomps her foot and gets all pouty. APOLLO appears down left and watches her.
CASSANDRA: How come nobody ever listens to me?
APOLLO is giggling now.
CASSANDRA (CONT.): Apollo? Is that you? Get over here.
CASSANDRA runs up and grabs the giggling APOLLO. She starts hitting him and he stops laughing.

APOLLO: What's with you?

CASSANDRA: I thought you gave me the power to see the future?
APOLLO: I did. Didn't you predict where that puppy would be found?
CASSANDRA: But nobody listened to me.
APOLLO giggles again.
CASSANDRA (CONT.): And now I see the walls of Troy falling down. And no one will listen to me about that either.
APOLLO: Didn't you read the fine print of your wish?
CASSANDRA: Fine print? What fine print?
APOLLO pulls a piece of paper from his pocket. It's notebook paper with doodles.
CASSANDRA (CONT.): I can't read this. It's a bunch of drawings. It's all Greek to me.
APOLLO: Look here. Underneath the unicorn dancing on the rainbow. It says that you will be able to see the future,
but no one will listen to you.
CASSANDRA: What? How could you do this to me?
APOLLO: Because it's funny.
CASSANDRA: You gods think you're so smart. Well, I know what happens to you.
APOLLO: You do? Oh, you do. What?
CASSANDRA: I'm not telling.
APOLLO: Oh, come on.
CASSANDRA: No.
APOLLO: Please.
CASSANDRA: See you, never, Apollo.
CASSANDRA goes back inside Troy. APOLLO mocks her.
APOLLO: "You gods think you're so smart." I'll show her. She won't think it's funny when we have a war!
APOLLO pulls out a cell phone. ZEUS appears in the audience. He can have a funny ring tone.
ZEUS: Zeus here. Talk to me, baby.
APOLLO: So what you doing?

ZEUS: Nothing. You?

APOLLO: Want to play war?
ZEUS: Sure, why not. Who you want to play with?
APOLLO: Troy.
ZEUS: Really? I don't know. I promised them protection.
APOLLO: Promises? I thought you were the all powerful one. You don't have to make promises. I guess I'm calling
the wrong guy. Maybe I should call Athena instead. She's a real warrior.
ZEUS: Wait one minute...
Thunder and lightning (lights go up and down). APOLLO smiles. ZEUS comes up on stage. Maybe he can be helped
up by slaves or clouds?
APOLLO: Yes?
ZEUS: Well, you know I have a special place in my heart for Troy. I mean they have my boy on their side.
APOLLO: Your boy? How many boys do you have? There's Ajax, Achilles, Hercules...
ZEUS: Not my actual boys... I mean Hector is a true hero.
APOLLO: I know. That's why I picked Troy!
ZEUS and APOLLO lead Trojan side of the audience in a cheer:
ZEUS AND APOLLO: Gooooo!
AUDIENCE: Troy!
ZEUS: So let's call Athena. She'll take your challenge.
ZEUS calls on his cell phone. ATHENA is in the back of the audience picking a fight with an usher.
ATHENA: I don't need a ticket you jerk. I'm in the play!
ATHENA's phone rings. Her ring tone is something like "The Warrior" by Scandal or the Rocky theme. Stage lights
dim a bit and a spotlight shows on ATHENA if possible.
ATHENA (CONT.): What?!
ZEUS: Hello Athena... how are you today?
ATHENA: Horrible. Not one fight or battle and it's almost dinner!
ZEUS: I've got good news. Apollo wants to play war.

ATHENA: Sign me up!

ATHENA walks up to the stage and hops up.
ATHENA (CONT.): Which side did you pick Apollo?
Dramatic music. Lights come up on Troy.
APOLLO: Troy!
ZEUS gets audience to cheer.
ZEUS: Goooo!
AUDIENCE: Troy!
ATHENA: Fine. We'll play war. But I get to pick anyone I want, right?
APOLLO: Sure.
ATHENA: Then I pick Sparta!
ATHENA gets Spartan side of audience to cheer.
ATHENA: This is...
AUDIENCE: Sparta!
APOLLO: I thought you might.
ATHENA: What's that supposed to mean?
APOLLO: She has a thing for Ajax.
ATHENA: I do not!
APOLLO: Hector's gonna clean the floor with him.
ATHENA: In your dreams.
APOLLO: Too bad about Achilles though.
ATHENA: What about Achilles?
APOLLO: His mommy won't let him come out and play.
ATHENA: What?!
ZEUS: He's always been such a momma's boy.

APOLLO: She did do him a great favor by dipping him in the river Styx and making him nearly immortal.
ZEUS: They should call it the river Stinks... is it really worth being immortal to smell like that?
ATHENA: He's one of those guys you admire from a distance.
APOLLO: So you ready for battle?
ATHENA: Wait. You have Zeus. I want some backup.
APOLLO: Fine... but what god is willing to stand up against Zeus?
ZEUS: I'm the king of the gods, baby!
ATHENA: Let me think... who isn't afraid of the king of the gods? Maybe... his wife!
ZEUS: You wouldn't?
ATHENA: Hera Rodham Clinton!
HERA storms onto stage looking and sounding a bit like Xena the Warrior Princess.
ATHENA (CONT.): This is...
AUDIENCE: Sparta!
ZEUS: Uh... I gotta go.
APOLLO: Zeus.
ZEUS: Uh... just got a text message. Really urgent. Somebody needs a thunder storm. Bye.
ZEUS exits. HERA and ATHENA do a warrior bear hug and secret hand shake.
ATHENA: How are you, Hera?
HERA: Where'd my good for nothing husband run off to?
ATHENA: Off to release more thunder.
HERA: He really needs to cut back on the beans.
They laugh. POSEIDON emerges from the audience.
POSEIDON: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
APOLLO: All hail the King of the Sea... Poseidon. Come to join my side, oh builder of the walls of Troy.
POSEIDON: Hardly.

APOLLO: Why not?

POSEIDON: I never got paid for building those walls.
ATHENA: Of course not. You know what he wanted?
POSEIDON: I only wanted all the first born children of Troy cast into the ocean every New Year's Day. Is that too
much to ask?
HERA: Let me think... uh... yes.
POSEIDON: So until I get paid, I'm not fighting for Troy.
ATHENA: So what are you even doing here? Just here to be a wet blanket?
HERA: Oh, that's funny. Ocean god... wet blanket. Cute.
APOLLO: Please don't explain the jokes. It really makes them less funny that way.
POSEIDON: I'm here because I'm worried the audience, my ocean here, is a little confused. We've introduced a lot of
characters here and are about to have a war but before we begin I thought it might be nice to have a little back story.
Let's bring out Homer and the Homerettes to tell us the story of Paris and Helen.
HOMER and the HOMERETTES are a Greek chorus of sorts. They sing this song to the tune of the Brady Bunch theme
or just chant it. Hear the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PXmi2r8k_0U
HOMER AND HOMERETTES: Here's the story of three lovely ladies. Who thought they were the most beautiful of
all. They were Hera, Athena and Aphrodite. And Paris was asked to judge. Here's the story of gal named Helen. Who
was a prize if Paris judged right. Aphrodite promised him this girl forever. If he'd just picked her. So Paris picked
Aphrodite. And he knew that it was much more than a hunch. Because he got himself a real beauty. That's why we
started the Trojan War. The Trojan War. The Trojan War. That's why we started the Trojan War.
APOLLO: That didn't make any sense at all. I'm more confused then I was before the song.
POSEIDON: Let's go Homer. We'll work on it some more. I know you'll get it.
HOMER: It's tough being a blind songwriter.
POSEIDON: I see potential in you, boy. You'll get it.
POSEIDON exits with HOMER and HOMERETTES. ATHENA and HERA look embarrassed and try to sneak out too.
APOLLO stops their exit.
APOLLO: Wait a minute. So this whole problem with Helen and Paris started over a beauty contest?
ATHENA: Well...
HERA: Not really.
ATHENA: Sort of.

HERA: I guess it did.

APOLLO: And you two lost.
APOLLO starts to giggle.
ATHENA: It's not funny.
HERA: Aphrodite only won because she cheated.
ATHENA: I can't believe Paris took her bribe.
APOLLO: So Aphrodite bribed Paris with a pretty girl. What did you two offer him?
ATHENA: Mine was way better...
HERA: Shhh! Uh, nothing.
APOLLO: Never mind. Can we get on with this war or what?
ATHENA: Hera. You go talk to Achille's mommy and I'll get the rest of the Spartans.
HERA: Done.
HERA and ATHENA exit. APOLLO looks and sees CASSANDRA spying on him.
APOLLO: You can come out now, Cassandra.
CASSANDRA: I knew there was going to be a war.
APOLLO: Who said that?
CASSANDRA: Stop that.
APOLLO: Could you do me a favor and tell your brother Hector about the upcoming battle? I want to give him plenty
of warning.
CASSANDRA: Yes, of course. Thank you.
APOLLO giggles and leaves.
CASSANDRA (CONT.): Wait a minute. He won't listen to me. Nobody does. Oh, dooooom.
HECTOR strides out of Troy and up to CASSANDRA who is crying.
HECTOR: Dear, sister. What troubles you?
CASSANDRA: You wouldn't believe me if I told you?
HECTOR: Try me.

CASSANDRA rattles off the following in a blubbering panic.

CASSANDRA: Paris took Helen from the Spartans and now Apollo wants to start a war and Athena went to get the
Spartans and we're doomed!
HECTOR: Sister, are you speaking Greek? Do slow down.
CASSANDRA: See... nobody can understand me.
HECTOR: Let me see if I understood you. You mentioned Paris and Helen... the wife of the King of Sparta?
CASSANDRA: Yes!
HECTOR: And a war!
CASSANDRA: Yes!
HECTOR: Paris wants to fight a war to win Helen?
CASSANDRA: No... well, sort of.
HECTOR: Paris!
PARIS peaks out from behind the wall of Troy. HELEN does too but PARIS pushes her down.
PARIS: Yes?
HECTOR: Come here, brother.
PARIS comes out and motions HELEN to stay inside.
PARIS: What is it?
HECTOR: Our sister was telling me about you and Helen, wife of the Spartan king Menelaus.
PARIS: Helen... Helen... that name sounds familiar.
CASSANDRA: It should.
PARIS sticks his tongue out at CASSANDRA
HECTOR: Have you been seeing Helen?
CASSANDRA: Oh, yeah.
CASSANDRA goes into Troy.
PARIS: I've been seeing "a" Helen. I'm not sure if she's a Spartan.
HECTOR: Is she here?

PARIS: Right here. No.

HECTOR: I mean is she in Troy?
PARIS: Well...
CASSANDRA: She's right here.
HECTOR: Helen!
PARIS: Helen?
CASSANDRA: Helen.
HELEN: That's my name. Don't wear it out.
HECTOR: That's Helen of Sparta. Wife of their King!
PARIS: It is? Helen, why didn't you tell me?
HELEN: What? You totally knew.
PARIS: I did not. I just thought you were some visitor to Sparta just like me. I thought you were Helen of... Troy! Yes,
a fellow Trojan.
PARIS winks at HELEN who gets it now.
HELEN: Oh, yes. I'm Helen of Troy. Not Sparta. I was touring Sparta just like Paris here and we met and totally hit it
off. I'm like totally Trojan. Goooo... Troy!
She tries to get Trojan part of audience to cheer.
HECTOR: I can't believe you'd do this, Paris.
CASSANDRA: I can't believe Hector listened to me.
HELEN: I can't believe how embarrassing this is.
PARIS: Please, Hector. Don't send her back. Menelaus was horrible to Helen.
HELEN: He was.
HECTOR: What did he do?
PARIS looks around nervously and then whispers in HECTOR'S ear.
HECTOR (CONT.): He didn't!
HELEN: That's not all.

HELEN whispers in his ear next.

HECTOR (CONT.): The monster!
PARIS and HELEN both whisper in his ears now.
HECTOR (CONT.): By the gods!
PARIS: See! I had to do something.
HECTOR: You did. Helen, you were greatly wronged and now we will make this right by offering you protection.
CASSANDRA: No! You must not.
HECTOR: No woman should be treated as you were treated. As an honorable man, I will defend you to my death.
CASSANDRA: Nooooo!
HECTOR ignores CASSANDRA and leads PARIS and HELEN into TROY.
HECTOR: Come, brother. We must prepare for battle. We'll show those Spartans what we're made of.
HELEN: Goooooo....
AUDIENCE: Troy!
CASSANDRA: Why won't anyone listen to me? We're dooooooomed!
LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK. END OF ACT I.
ACT II - SPARTANS COME CALLING
Spartans lead by AJAX and ODYSSEUS arrive at the Wall of Troy. Trojan GUARD pokes his head up over the wall.
GUARD: Who is it?
AJAX: This is...
AUDIENCE AND SPARTANS: Sparta!
GUARD: Who?
AJAX: Sparta.
GUARD: Never heard of it.
AJAX: You have so.
GUARD: Have not.

AJAX: So.
GUARD: Not, not, not.
AJAX: So, so, so.
ODYSSEUS steps forward.
ODYSSEUS: We're Sparta of Greece.
GUARD: Oh, Greece. Why didn't you say so?
AJAX: Because we're Spartan!
GUARD: You're all Greek to me.
AJAX looks ready to attack. ODYSSEUS stops him.
ODYSSEUS: Steady, Ajax.
GUARD: Ajax? Is that Ajax?
AJAX suddenly looks proud. Other Trojans look out over wall.
AJAX: You've heard of me, eh?
GUARD: Yes, we call you Ajax the Clean.
AJAX: Why's that?
GUARD: Because last time you fought Hector, he cleaned the floor with you.
Trojans all laugh.
AJAX: That's not true.
GUARD: Our battlefield has been getting a bit dirty. Is it time to clean it with Ajax again?
AJAX: How dare you? I'm stronger than 100 Trojans!
GUARD: That's right. I hear you're stronger than dirt too!
Trojans laugh. AJAX looks confused.
ODYSSEUS: Everyone, please.
AJAX: Stronger than dirt? I don't get it.
ODYSSEUS: Let it go, Ajax.

AJAX: I'll crush you like dirt!

ODYSSEUS: Ajax, please. Here's your squeezy. Go over there and do your squeezes until I'm done talking to the
Trojans.
ODYSSEUS gives AJAX a ball to squeeze and AJAX wanders to the back of the Spartans.
ODYSSEUS: May I speak to Hector?
GUARD: Say please.
ODYSSEUS: Please.
GUARD: No, say it all together.
ODYSSEUS: What?
Trojans are snickering.
GUARD: May I please speak to Hector?
ODYSSEUS: May I please speak to Hector?
GUARD: Say pretty please.
ODYSSEUS: Oh, come on.
GUARD: They're right. You Spartans are so uncivilized.
ODYSSEUS: Fine. Pretty please.
GUARD: Say it all.
ODYSSEUS: Pretty please, may I speak to Hector?
GUARD: Nope.
ODYSSEUS: Why not?!
GUARD: Just kidding. I wanted to see how you'd react if I said no.
AJAX rushes up to ODYSSEUS.
AJAX: Can I kill them now?
ODYSSEUS: Our orders are to wait.
GUARD: Hector will be right out.
Gate of Troy opens and Hector comes out.

AJAX: You dare come out alone, in front of the entire Spartan army?
ODYSSEUS: He is a brave and honorable man.
AJAX: And stupid.
AJAX pulls out his sword. All Trojan appear at the wall with bows and arrows. AJAX backs off.
HECTOR: You wish to speak with me, Odysseus?
ODYSSEUS: I have been sent by King Menelaus and Lord Agamemnon to give the Trojans a chance to surrender.
GUARD: Surrender?
Trojans laugh. AJAX and other Spartans draw their swords. ODYSSEUS waves them back.
HECTOR: We will not surrender, Odysseus. You know that.
ODYSSEUS: At least return Helen to us and let this whole horrible business be done.
AGAMEMNON: Odysseus!
Spartans all scramble and salute. Darth Vader type music plays as LORD AGAMEMNON enters in a black uniform.
GUARD holds up a "BOOO!" sign and HELEN gets Trojan side of audience to say, "BOOO!" AGAMEMNON goes up
to ODYSSEUS.
SPARTANS: All hail Lord Agamemnon!
AGAMEMNON: I told you to give them a chance to surrender, not to negotiate.
ODYSSEUS: Lord Agamemnon, please. If they simply return Helen, then we don't have to fight.
AGAMEMNON: We don't negotiate with terrorists.
ODYSSEUS: Prince Hector is an honorable man. He can be reasoned with.
AGAMEMNON: I find your lack of faith in my plan... disturbing.
AGAMEMNON starts choking ODYSSEUS. HECTOR steps forward.
HECTOR: It doesn't matter. We won't give Helen back.
AGAMEMNON: You fool.
HECTOR: Trojans believe in honor...
GUARD AND TROJANS: Yeah!
HECTOR: Justice.

GUARD AND TROJANS: Yeah!

HECTOR: ...and equality.
GUARD: You said it, Hector.
HECTOR: Helen has asked to be free of her slavery in Sparta and we grant her that freedom.
AGAMEMNON: Then you will die!
AJAX draws his sword and rushes HECTOR as AGAMEMNON drags off ODYSSEUS. HECTOR defend himself as
Trojans pretend to shoot arrows at the rest of the Spartans who raise their shields. AJAX manages to knock HECTOR's
sword away. HECTOR pulls off AJAX's belt and his pants fall down revealing silly underwear. Trojans laugh and
HECTOR runs back inside Gate of Troy. AJAX growls and leads Spartans off stage. HELEN leads the cheer.
HELEN: Goooo!
AUDIENCE: Troy!
HOMER AND THE HOMERETTES return to the stage. They get audience to stomp, stomp, clap (two feet stomps and
then a clap). NOTE: the wording may need some adjusting to fit Queen's "We will rock you." Feel free to adjust it.
Hear it at:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5pzerjiutM
HOMER AND THE HOMERETTES: Hector you're a man make good prince leading in the war gonna be a king some
day... You got war in your place... It's a disgrace You'll kick their can all over this space... (Yelling:) we are... we are...
Trojans! (stomp, stomp, clap... stomp, stomp, clap) We are... we are... Trojans! Hector you're a great man tough man
fighting in for land gonna fight the Greeks today... You got blood on this place, In your face, Fightin those Spartans
until they're disgraced. We are... we are... Trojans! (stomp, stomp, clap... stomp, stomp, clap) We are... we are...
Trojans! (stomp, stomp, clap... stomp, stomp, clap)
CASSANDRA: (mood shifts to sadness)
Won't be an old man, weak man, begging for your land, Gonna fight til your all done... Can you win, this war anymore,
Must save face, no disgrace,
HOMERS: (mood shifts to anger)
Spartans better get out of this place! We are... we are... Trojans! We are we are Trojans! (stomp, stomp, clap... stomp,
stomp, clap)
During HOMER's upcoming speech, the Spartans run up to the wall of Troy, jump up and down and yell and then run
away when the Trojans shoot arrows (either get soft, foam or cardboard arrows or have Trojans make arrow sounds
and pretend they are shooting them).
HOMER: The war had begun... the Spartans made little progress at first. The walls of Troy held strong. But then
mighty Achilles arrived and that changed everything.
ACHILLES enters with his cousin PATROCLUS who is dressed just like him. He's a major Achilles groupie and copies
all ACHILLES' stances, motions and actions.
ACHILLES: Need some help, Ajax?

AJAX: No, I'm fine. I've got them on the run.

ACHILLES: How long youve been fighting?
AJAX: Not long.
AGAMEMNON: Almost ten years now. We need you to end this Achilles.
ACHILLES: And what if I don't want to?
ODYSSEUS: Can't you two just get along?
AGAMEMNON puts Odysseus in a choke hold again.
AGAMEMNON: Join me, Achilles and we will rule the galaxy! I mean... the world.
ACHILLES: I will never join you.
AGAMEMNON: But Achilles... I am your father's, nephew's Greek godfather three times removed.
ACHILLES: What does that make us?
AGAMEMNON: Absolutely nothing. So if you won't do it for me, do it for...
SPARTANS: Sparta!
ODYSSEUS: Uh, sir.
AGAMEMNON lets go of his neck.
AGAMEMNON: What?
ODYSSEUS: I don't think the audience had fair warning on that cheer.
AGAMEMNON: Fine. Do it again.
ODYSSEUS: This is...
AUDIENCE: Sparta!
ODYSSEUS: Much better.
AGAMEMNON returns to choking ODYSSEUS.
ACHILLES: There is nothing that will convince me to join you.
An arrow comes flying from Troy and hits Achilles cousin, Patroclus, who falls.
PATROCLUS: Message for you, sir.

ACHILLES drops to his knees and holds PATROCLUS's hand as he does his final death throws. ACHILLES takes note
off arrow.
ACHILLES: They have killed my cousin and friend! I never should have loaned you my armor. They mistook him for
me! Who did this foul deed?
(reads note)
"Dear Achilles. You stink. Sincerely, Hector."
GUARD and other Trojans laugh.
ACHILLES: Hector! You will die!
AGAMEMNON: So you will join me?
ACHILLES: To the death.
MENALAUS enters. He wears a crown.
ODYSSEUS: All hail King Menelaus.
MENELAUS: I demand a fight with Paris.
ACHILLES: And I with Hector!
AGAMEMNON: Trojans! Will your Princes face our champions?
HECTOR: We will!
PARIS: We will?
HECTOR: We will.
HECTOR comes out with PARIS who doesn't want to come out.
HELEN: Be careful.
MENELAUS: You took my wife. Now I take your life.
PARIS: Hey, that rhymed. You're like a poet.
MENELAUS: Die fly!
MENELAUS charges at PARIS who runs away. MENELAUS runs after him and eventually gets tired.
MENELAUS (CONT.): Hold still.
PARIS: Run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm...
ACHILLES grabs PARIS.

PARIS (CONT.): Ooops.

HECTOR: Unhand my brother.
ACHILLES: Make me.
HECTOR faces off with ACHILLES. They do some fighting and then ACHILLES kills HECTOR. Trojans gasp and cry.
HECTOR does an over-dramatic death.
HECTOR: It is a far, far better place I go to. Good-bye cruel world. Farewell...
ACHILLES: Die already.
ACHILLES stabs him a few more times. APOLLO comes out and is upset.
APOLLO: This is terrible. Do something Paris!
PARIS gets a bow and arrow, closes his eyes and shoots but if falls at his feet. APOLLO gets the arrow and guides it so
it hits ACHILLES in the heel.
ACHILLES: Ow! I've been hit.
ACHILLES dies quickly.
APOLLO: Finally, a quick death.
ODYSSEUS: Mighty Achilles has fallen. Run away!
SPARTANS all yell, "run away!" and exit. HELEN runs out and hugs PARIS.
HELEN: Gooo!
AUDIENCE: Troy!
HELEN: You did it, Paris.
PARIS: I did?
APOLLO: You can open your eyes now.
PARIS: Where'd they go?
HELEN: You killed Achilles and they ran away.
PARIS: Really?
CASSANDRA: But our brother, Hector, is dead.
HECTOR does a few more death throws.

HECTOR: Rosebud!
HECTOR is dead.
PARIS: Bummer.
HELEN: But we won! This is great.
CASSANDRA: No, it's horrible. We're doooomed!
PARIS: Oh, stop it. Let's have a party... well, a funeral party. Hector would want a party. Party!
GUARD: Party!
They carry off HECTOR and party sounds come from inside Troy. CASSANDRA punches APOLLO.
APOLLO: What was that for?
CASSANDRA: We're still going to lose but no one will listen to me.
APOLLO: Lose? No way. Not with my help.
ATHENA appears.
ATHENA: Apollo!
APOLLO: Ooops.
ATHENA: You cheated!
APOLLO: Don't be a sore loser.
POSEIDON enters.
POSEIDON: It's not over yet.
APOLLO: What do you mean?
POSEIDON: I have a little surprise for the Trojans.
APOLLO: You stay out of this. This is between me and Athena.
ATHENA: That was until you cheated and helped Paris kill Achilles. Poseidon is here to even the score and get his
revenge for non-payment.
APOLLO: This is so unfair.
ATHENA: Don't be a sore loser.

APOLLO leaves. CASSANDRA watches POSEIDON and ATHENA get in a huddle with ODYSSEUS who nods and
smiles. They exit.
CASSANDRA: I must try to warn everyone.
CASSANDRA starts to go and then hears something coming. ODYSSEUS pushes in something that looks like a wooden
horse and all the Spartans are hiding behind it. (NOTE: The horse doesn't have to be big which makes it funnier)
CASSANDRA (CONT.): What's that?
ODYSSEUS: It's a present for Troy.
PARIS comes rushing out with HELEN.
PARIS: A present? I love presents.
HELEN: I love horsies. I wish it were a unicorn.
Spartans look at each other. One sticks his sword out the head.
HELEN (CONT.): It is a unicorn! Can we keep it, Paris? Please.
PARIS: Of course.
HELEN: Oh, goodie. Let's bring it inside.
ODYSSEUS sneaks behind horse with others.
CASSANDRA: No! Don't do it. It's a trick!
PARIS: Stop it, Cassandra.
HELEN: Cassandra wants to take away my unicorn!
PARIS: Now you've upset Helen.
CASSANDRA: Beware the gift of the Greeks! Greek toys are bad news. They use lead paint!
HELEN: I want my unicorn.
CASSANDRA: Doom on you. Doom on you. Doom on you!
CASSANDRA leaves.
HELEN: Your sister is like totally creepy.
PARIS: Hey, everyone. The Spartans left us a present. Let's bring it inside!
Trojans come out and bring horse inside Troy. Homer and Homerettes sing to the tune of "The Song that Never Ends."
Hear it at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jo2FZ8KY6n4

HOMER AND HOMERETTES: This is the war that never ends, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started
fighting it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue fighting it forever just because... This is the war that never
ends, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started fighting it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue
fighting it forever just because...

ATHENA: But it did end... the Trojan horse trick worked.

APOLLO: Looks like you won.
ATHENA: Who's the god of war now?
APOLLO: (mumbles)
You are.
ATHENA: What's that?
APOLLO: You are.
ATHENA: Noogie!
ATHENA puts APOLLO in a headlock and rubs his head with her knuckles.
ATHENA (CONT.): Wet willy!
She licks her finger and tries to stick it in his ear. He gets free and runs away. She chases him off stage.
HOMER: Those wacky gods. They were so immature. Well, I hope you all enjoyed my story. Nobody lived happily
ever after but what a war! You can read the entire tale in my book called The Iliad. I'll be doing a book signing after
the show.
END OF PLAY

CAST OF CHARACTERS
(13-18+ speaking roles, unlimited number of extras as soldiers for Troy and Sparta, suggestions for doubling below)
CASSANDRA - She can see the future, but no one will listen to her. Sister of Paris and Hector.
HELEN - Goofy teen-like girl who runs away with Paris and starts a war.
PARIS - Goofy teen-like boy who takes Helen to Troy.
APOLLO - War god. He can double as Trojan soldier.
ODYSSEUS - Greek warrior on Spartan side.

ACHILLES - Greek warrior on Spartan side.

ATHENA - War goddess. She can double as Spartan warrior.
HECTOR - Prince of Troy and brother of Paris and Cassandra. He can double as ZEUS.
ZEUS - Leader of the gods. He can double as Trojan soldier, GUARD or HECTOR.
GUARD - Trojan wall guard. He makes fun of everyone. He can double as ZEUS.
HERA - Wife of Zeus. She can double as Spartan warrior or PATROCLUS.
PATROCLUS - Cousin of Achilles. He can double as HERA or POSEIDON and/or Trojan soldier.
AJAX - Spartan warrior who uses muscles rather than brains. He can double as POSEIDON.
AGAMEMNON - Lord of the Greeks. Appears a bit like Darth Vader from Star Wars but Spartan style. He can double
as POSEIDON.
MENELAUS - Spartan King and husband of Helen. He can double as POSEIDON and/or Spartan soldier.
POSEIDON - Ocean god. He can double as AJAX, AGAMEMNON or Spartan or Trojan soldier.
HOMER and the HOMERETTES - If it's all men, it can be HOMER and the HOMMIES or if it be HOMER solo. Or
the HOMERETTES can be played by soliders or the women in the cast. HOMER can have dark shades like Stevie
Wonder since he's blind.
*Remember: the Greeks had men play women parts and in our modern times, women can play men so be flexible with
the casting.