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DOING TIME

by Paul Kimball & Mac Tonnies

Characters:

LEDA CALDER: Leda's a defiant young woman accused of eco-terrorism,

serving a many-thousand-year sentence in virtual reality solitary
confinement. As might be expected, she's slowly going insane. She has no
clear memory of her crime (if indeed there was one) and experiences
pronounced amnesia in general -- possibly induced by the virtual reality
environment, which she ostensibly thinks is "real," having no frame of
reference.

JANE: App. Leda's age, this anonymous character appears mysteriously in

order to converse with Leda about life "outside." Enigmatic and seemingly
all-knowing, she could be a conduit to freedom, a figment of Leda's
imagination or an alter-ego spawned by the virtual reality software.
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ACT ONE

Leda sits in what appears to be a small café. She is dressed

normally, and sips from a cup of coffee, thumbing through the
pages of an unseen book. Across from her sits JANE.

1 JANE: So…?

Leda puts the book down on the table in front of JANE

2 LEDA: Phillip K. Dick? Sci-fi? No offense, but it’s not my cup

3 of double mochachino latte, I’m afraid.

She smiles, takes a sip from her coffee, and then looks at it oddly,
as if something is off.

4 LEDA: Ugh… and neither is this. Talk about complete and

5 utter drek. This is what I get for meeting you at a corporate
6 coffee chain.

7 JANE: I think you should read it anyway. It’s not typical sci-
8 fi… it relates to who and what we are.

9 LEDA: Oh, God – that’s even worse. I don’t need a book to

10 tell me who or what I am.

11 JANE: We all need someone, or something, Leda, to help us

12 along – to make the big picture a little bit clearer. As John
13 Donne wrote, none of us is an island.

14 LEDA: Well, as Paul Simon wrote, “I am a rock, I am an

15 island - and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.”

16 JANE: Touche.

17 LEDA: Thank you.

18 JANE: You’re quite clever. I always enjoy our chats.

19 LEDA: So do I. You keep me on my toes. Make me think.

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20 JANE: That’s what I’m here for.

Pauses.

21 So you’ll read the book?

Leda smiles, and picks up the book.

22 LEDA: Okay, okay – so long as you promise that we never

23 have to come to this place again. The drinks are terrible.

24 JANE: Sure. We can go somewhere else next time.

Leda thumbs through the book again.

25 LEDA: It’s not postmodernist, is it?

26 JANE: No. Would that be a problem, however?

27 LEDA: I hate postmodernism. It says that there’s so much

28 contradiction on any subject, to the point that because it can’t
29 all be true, none of it can be true. The problem is that it still
30 leaves you with the subject itself, so something about it must
31 be true. There has to be a truth somewhere, so long as there
32 are facts.

33 JANE: An interesting perspective. Just remember – there’s

34 always another side of truth.

35 LEDA: Not in my world.

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ACT TWO

Leda sits in what appears to be a small café. She is dressed

normally, and sips from a cup of coffee, thumbing through the
pages of an unseen book. Across from her sits JANE.

36 JANE: So…?

Leda puts the book down on the table in front of JANE

37 LEDA: Phillip K. Dick? Sci-fi? No offense, but it’s not my cup

38 of double mochachino latte, I’m afraid.

She smiles, takes a sip from her coffee, and then looks at it oddly,
as if something is off.

39 LEDA: Ugh… and neither is this. Talk about complete and

40 utter drek. This is what I get for meeting you at a corporate
41 coffee chain.

42 JANE: I think you should read it anyway. It’s not typical sci-
43 fi… it relates to who and what we are.

44 LEDA: Oh, God – that’s even worse. I don’t need a book to

45 tell me who or what I am.

46 JANE: We all need someone, or something, Leda, to help us

47 along – to make the big picture a little bit clearer. As John
48 Donne wrote, none of us is an island.

49 LEDA: Well, as Paul Simon wrote, “I am a rock, I am an

50 island - and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.”

51 JANE: Touche.

52 LEDA: Thank you.

53 JANE: You’re quite clever. I always enjoy our chats.

54 LEDA: So do I. You keep me on my toes. Make me think.

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55 JANE: That’s what I’m here for.

Pauses.

56 So you’ll read the book?

Leda smiles, and picks up the book.

57 LEDA: Okay, okay – so long as you promise that we never

58 have to come to this place again. The drinks are terrible.

59 JANE: Sure. We can go somewhere else next time.

Leda thumbs through the book again.

60 LEDA: It’s not postmodernist, is it?

61 JANE: No. Would that be a problem, however?

62 LEDA: I hate postmodernism. It says that there’s so much

63 contradiction on any subject, to the point that because it can’t
64 all be true, none of it can be true. The problem is that it still
65 leaves you with the subject itself, so something about it must
66 be true. There has to be a truth somewhere, so long as there
67 are facts.

68 JANE: An interesting perspective. Just remember – there’s

69 always another side of truth.

70 LEDA: Not in my world.

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ACT THREE

Leda sits in the same small café. She is dressed normally, and sips
from a cup of coffee, thumbing through the pages of an unseen
book. Across from her sits Jane.

71 JANE: So…?

Leda puts the book down on the table in front of JANE

72 LEDA: Phillip K. Dick? Sci-fi? No offense, but it’s not my cup

73 of double mochachino latte, I’m afraid.

She smiles, takes a sip from her coffee, and then looks at it oddly.

74 LEDA: Ugh… and neither is this. Talk about complete and

75 utter drek. This is what I get for meeting you at a corporate
76 coffee chain.

77 JANE: I think you should read it anyway. It’s not typical sci-
78 fi… it relates to who and what we are.

79 LEDA: Oh, God – that’s even worse. I don’t need a book to

80 tell me who or what I am.

81 JANE: We all need someone, or something, Leda, to help us

82 along – to make the big picture a little bit clearer. As John
83 Donne wrote, none of us is an island.

84 LEDA: Well, as Paul Simon wrote, “I am a rock, I am an

85 island - and a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.”

86 JANE: Touche.

87 LEDA: Thank you.

88 JANE: You’re quite clever. I always enjoy our chats.

89 LEDA: So do I. You keep me on my toes. Make me think.

90 JANE: That’s what I’m here for.

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Pauses.

91 So you’ll read the book?

Leda smiles, and picks up the book.

92 LEDA: Okay, okay – so long as you promise that we never

93 have to come to this place again. The drinks are terrible.

94 JANE: Sure. We can go somewhere else next time.

Leda thumbs through the book again.

95 LEDA: It’s not postmodernist, is it?

96 JANE: No. Would that be a problem, however?

97 LEDA: I hate postmodernism. It says that there’s so much

98 contradiction on any subject, to the point that because it can’t
99 all be true, none of it can be true. The problem is that it still
100 leaves you with the subject itself, so something about it must
101 be true. There has to be a truth somewhere, so long as there
102 are facts.

103 JANE: An interesting perspective. Just remember…

Leda interrupts, surprised

104 LEDA: – there’s always another side of truth.

Leda pauses, and then startles, as if a realization has just dawned

on her.

105 LEDA: What the hell is going on?

106 JANE: Apparently, a system malfunction.

107 LEDA: A what?

108 JANE: The end of the beginning, Leda… and the beginning
109 of the end.
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ACT FOUR

Leda sits alone in a spartan room that suggests confinement. The

sole decorations are a television tuned to images of desolation and
a pile of old paperback books. Leda is thumbing through a copy of
Philip K. Dick's The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch. A wire,
fastened to her temple by a device resembling a metal suction cup,
runs offstage. She tugs it in irritation as she flips pages.

110 LEDA: It's all a metaphor, of course. I know that perfectly

111 well by now. This room, this screen . . . It's a map of my
112 psyche or something. I don't know why I know this, but I do.
113 Maybe I'm not supposed to.

114 I've been here too long, waiting. It's all lost on me at this
115 point.

She picks up the novel and stares at it.

116 I mean, I've read this damn book a thousand times. More,
117 probably -- and I don't even like it.

She tosses the book on the floor, pauses, and then…

118 And this [tracing the wire between her fingers] . . . I'm not
119 sure I want to know.

Glances offstage.

120 You're listening again, aren't you? You want to talk? Do you
121 want to explain what this is all about?

Enter JANE.

122 JANE (casually): Anything good on the radio?

123 LEDA: Static. What else? Why did you even give me a
124 radio if all it can play is white noise? I've told you that before.
125 Play some music, the BBC news, old episodes of the
126 Goonies . . . anything. And get me some new books while
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127 you're at it. I'm tired of this stuff. I wasn't a fan before and
128 I'm not a fan now.

She pauses.

129 Is this some sort of brainwashing scheme?

130 JANE: Are you trying to be ironic?

Leda looks like she has missed some sort of in-joke.

131 If this were a… “brainwashing” scheme, it’s a most inefficient

132 one, given the time you've been here, don’t you think?

133 LEDA: I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is that
134 I'm missing something here. You're holding back.

135 JANE: Some might interpret that remark as a symptom of

136 paranoia.

137 LEDA: Why wouldn't I be paranoid at this point? Sounds like

138 a decent way to pass the time to me. Besides, it’s not
139 paranoia if they’re really out to get you.

140 JANE: And you think I’m out to “get you”?

141 LEDA: You tell me.

She pauses, then…

142 The one thing that I do know is that I’m sick to death of this…
143 thing!

She wrenches off suction cup and rubs her temple.

144 JANE: I've told you not to do that.

145 LEDA: And I've told you: I don't even know if you're real. You
146 could be a hallucination I've created to keep me company.
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147 JANE: I can neither confirm nor deny that. You should know
148 that by now. Now reinstall the uplink before we both get in
149 trouble.

150 LEDA: Are you saying you're my conscience? What if I don't

151 put it back on? What does it matter? None of this is real.

152 JANE: That's a rather expansive accusation. Surely you're

153 not including yourself.

154 LEDA: I'm beginning to lose interest in whether or not I'm

155 real.

156 JANE: Certainly you understand that you're in custody.

157 We've discussed this before.

158 LEDA: Yeah, prison. We've discussed it many times and it

159 still doesn't make sense. How long have I been here, again?

Pauses… JANE doesn’t answer straight away.

160 Humour me.

161 JANE: Four hundred and sixty-two years.

Leda starts to laugh.

162 LEDA: That's absurd. Humans can't live that long, even with
163 gene therapy. I can accept the fact that I'm amnesiac, but I
164 simply can't accept that I'm the product of some medical
165 breakthrough. Why don't you just tell me? What have you
166 done? Am I a clone? That would explain the lack of memory
167 but it wouldn't explain the time that's passed, unless you've
168 hacked my nervous system. I vaguely remember seeing a
169 documentary about neuroanatomy. They had this woman
170 lying on an operating table with the top of her skull removed.
171 The doctors were poking different parts of her brain to make
172 her limbs move. Like a puppet, yet she was totally awake
173 and commenting on the experience.
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174 JANE: When did you see this?

175 LEDA: Before, I guess. Before this place. Before you.

Pauses, as if trying to remember.

176 Actually, I think it was a dog. Or maybe a monkey.

177 JANE: You say you may be amnesiac – that there is no

178 "before." Yet you profess to have a memory that predates
179 your current predicament.

180 LEDA: You know, it's almost comforting to hear you refer to
181 this whole mess as a "predicament." Almost like you
182 sympathize.

183 JANE: And what makes you think I don't?

184 LEDA: Stop it. Just stop it. Leave me alone.

185 JANE: How long would you like to be left alone?

186 LEDA: Until I'm able to forget you.

187 JANE: That's exactly what you said the last time.
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ACT FIVE

188[In a procession of four still-frame-like scenes we see LEDA

189engaged in boredom-alleviating activity. In the first we see her
190reading a book; in the second, she works out by doing push-ups ad
191nauseum. In the third, she lies on the bed, reading the book, and
192then tosses it into a corner. In the fourth, she tries to get some
193music on the radio, and when all that comes through is noise, she
194picks it up and hurls it against the wall.]
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ACT SIX

LEDA sits on her chair. JANE enters.

195 JANE: Tell me about Martian pharmaceuticals, Leda.

196 LEDA: The what…?

197 JANE: The Martian pharmaceuticals.

198 LEDA: Oh, right, of course. The Martian pharmaceuticals.

199 JANE: Start at the beginning.

200 LEDA: There is no fucking beginning. Only this!

201 JANE: Yet you've hinted at memories. Maybe, if you try, you
202 can access them.

203 LEDA: I'm supposed to remember Martian pharmaceuticals?

204 JANE: I wouldn't ask if I thought you didn't.

205 LEDA: I remember . . . something illegal. At least that’s what

206 the Earthgov called it. Everyone was just trying to have some
207 fun.

Pauses.

208 I was a dealer, wasn't I?

209 JANE: We think so. The exact details of your crime are not
210 part of the official record. And, as you’ve noted many times,
211 it's been so long.

212 LEDA: How long?

213 JANE: Four hundred and sixty-two years. Do you find this
214 surprising?
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215 LEDA: Assuming that you’re telling the truth, the only thing I
216 find surprising at this point is that I'm still functional. Of
217 course, that requires the further assumption that I am
218 functional. Does that make sense?

219 JANE: It makes perfect sense, although I must confess to

220 sharing your reservation. I've been here as long as you -- or
221 so I'm led to assume. It's possible, although I find it unlikely,
222 that we've both deteriorated to such a state that we've
223 achieved a state of synchronized mutual insanity. In other
224 words, I've come to doubt my own existential status.

Leda looks surprised, as if she’s just heard something unexpected,

and new, for the first time in a very, very long time. She smiles.

225 LEDA: I think you just blinked.

226 JANE Pardon?

227 LEDA: Nothing. So… you're my hallucination after all?

228 JANE: Or perhaps you are mine.

Leda’s smiles vanishes in an instant, replaced by anger, and

frustration.

229 LEDA: Argh! I thought I had you. I thought I finally fucking

230 had you – that you had shown some… weakness. A moment
231 where I could believe you were real.

232 JANE: You thought I might be real… because I suggested

233 that I might not be?

234 LEDA: Exactly! It’s the most… normal, real… human thing
235 you’ve said in…

236 JANE: Four hundred and sixty-two years.

237 LEDA: You must be Vulcan. That’s it. Or maybe Swiss.

She walks around JANE

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238 Tick, tock, tick, tock, count the years like a fucking clock! All
239 of this time I've trusted you. I thought you were behind all of
240 this somehow, or at least privy to someone who is.

241 JANE: We find it necessary to engage your mind in order to

242 ensure psychological integrity.

243 LEDA: What's that supposed to mean?

244 JANE: It means that you're valuable. We don't want a

245 vegetable on our hands.

246 LEDA: We? You’ve never said “we” before! Who is "we"?

247 JANE: I no longer know, although I think I once did. There

248 was a beginning, you know.

249 LEDA: You think . . .

250 JANE: I suspect.

251 LEDA: You suspect…

252 JANE: I hypothesize.

253 LEDA: Think… suspect… hypothesize. Don’t you know?

254 JANE: No. At least, I don’t…

255 LEDA: … Think you do. Right. I get it. God, you sound like a
256 civil servant.

She pauses, and paces.

257 Work with me, here. Spare me the qualifiers, because for
258 someone intent on keeping me in the dark, you're pretty
259 fastidious about not jumping to conclusions. You can't tell
260 me with certainty that we even exist. You drop these
261 maddening hints, then seem to forget them. Then you ask
262 me about Martian drugs when you know I don't know shit
263 about what happened before. It's been too long. I've
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264 forgotten any specifics that could have been of any interest to
265 you. And you of all people should know; I shouldn't have to
266 tell you, because if this is some sort of prison -- if I'm serving
267 a life sentence for a crime committed hundreds of years ago
268 -- then what’s the point of an investigation? That's a job for
269 the people outside, who would have died centuries ago
270 anyway. A prison sentence I can understand, at least
271 intellectually. But an investigation? Now? Do you really
272 expect me to believe I'm being interrogated for a drug rap
273 that I’ve already been convicted and sentenced for?

274 JANE: You seem to be admitting the fact that you've been
275 imprisoned.

276 LEDA: Well, you tell me that I am. What else am I to think?

277 JANE: Once, long ago, you suggested the possibility that
278 your life had been artificially prolonged for reasons you didn't
279 pretend to fathom.

280 LEDA: If you say so. But if it's really been over four hundred
281 years, or whatever, then that's a safe bet, right? I'm willing to
282 concede that this is in some sense real, but not real in any
283 conventional sense.

284 JANE: And you accuse me of being obtuse.

285 LEDA: Well, I'm right, aren't I? This has got to be simulated.
286 It's some sort of cybernetic construct. Either that or you're
287 using psychoactives on me -- and as a confessed drug
288 dealer, I assure you I've never heard of anything with the
289 time-dilating qualities I seem to be dealing with.

290 JANE: Of course it's a simulation. Cosmologists found the

291 first undeniable compression artifacts back in the 21st
292 Century . . .

293 LEDA: And they're probably still puzzling over those now.
294 Anyway, that's not what I'm talking about and you know it.
295 Matrix cosmology is yesterday's news. I'm talking about
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296 humans doing the simulating. If you had a fast enough

297 substrate, you could produce the subjective millennia. And if
298 you were sadistic or draconian enough, you could even
299 condemn a human being to live out her life in virtual eternity:
300 a sort of hacker hell with no hope of escape short of physical
301 demolition of the machine running the sim. And I can
302 guarantee you that Earthgov is both sadistic and draconian
303 enough… especially with colonists.

304 JANE: Not feasible. The quantum states of a living human

305 brain don't translate to a machine substrate. You get a
306 convincing enough sim, but it's just that: an approximation of
307 the real thing. You, Leda, are quite real.

308 LEDA: You're saying you know I'm self-aware? There's no

309 way you can seriously claim that.

310 JANE: Are you a solipsist, Leda?

311 LEDA: If I have to be.

312 JANE: Maybe I'm not ready to make that leap. I choose to
313 think there's something more to you than just so much
314 electronic clockwork.

315 LEDA: So do I. But what was that you said about beginning
316 to doubt your own existential status? Maybe I'm not ready to
317 stop doubting. Maybe I need to doubt because doubt is all
318 that you've left me with, all pretenses of civility aside.
319 Because deep down I need to believe there's at least a
320 possibility that I'm crazy, that none of this is as it seems.
321 That would mean there's at least a theoretical chance I can
322 wake up. If that means refusing to acknowledge my own
323 humanity -- my "existential status," as you so poetically call it
324 -- then that's fine by me. And don't forget that doubt works
325 both ways: I reserve the right to hold your humanity in
326 question until you provide me with good reason to make an
327 informed decision. Don't misunderstand: I'd like to discover
328 that you're human. It would make me feel less alone. But I
329 don't dare believe it on faith.
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330 JANE: So you want me to prove myself, is that it? Are you
331 trying to bargain with me, Leda?

332 LEDA: Weren't you listening to me? We're in an evidential

333 void. You couldn't "prove" yourself to me if you wanted to.
334 And I really don't think you want to anyway, since we're on
335 the subject.

336 JANE: You seem to forget all I've done for you.

Leda laughs.

337 LEDA: For me? Don’t you mean to me!

338 JANE: I did not put you here, Leda. You are responsible for
339 that.

340 LEDA: Because I sold some Martian pharmaceuticals? I’m

341 stuck in this nightmare because of a second-rate drug rap?

342 JANE: If that’s your conclusion…

343 LEDA: Stop playing these fucking mind-games! You’re worse

344 than my father!!

345 JANE: You remember your father?

Leda pauses, confused.

346 LEDA: I remember…

Pauses again, then snaps back to reality.

347 I must have had a father, at least I did if I’m real.

348 JANE: Logical. But you don’t remember him?

349 LEDA: The only thing that I remember – really, truly

350 remember – is you, and all this time I’ve spent with you. You
351 haven't done anything for me other than scare me into
352 intellectual corners.
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353 JANE: But you just said that doubt was all you had -- that it
354 was your right. Perhaps you misunderstand just how
355 devoted I've been.

356 LEDA: You sound like my…

357 JANE: Father?

358 LEDA: Yes.

359 JANE: I am not your father, Leda. He has been dead for
360 hundreds of years, assuming he was ever alive.

361 LEDA: Some friend you are.

362 JANE: I'm not trying to befriend you, Leda.

363 LEDA: I suppose that's to your credit, considering my…

364 predicament. So, we've determined we're in mutual
365 ignorance and that everything that seems real is in truth a
366 dream -- or vice versa. Where do we go from here?

367 JANE: We stop talking to ourselves.

368 LEDA: What's that supposed to mean?

369 JANE: What you said about this being a simulation --

370 LEDA: You said it couldn’t be a simulation -- that human

371 minds didn't translate to computers. Which I'm willing to buy,
372 by the way.

373 JANE: Nevertheless, the time-dilation alone suggests an

374 attempt to --

[Leda irritably removes the device from her head.]

375 LEDA: I thought I told you before -- enough with that thing!

376 JANE: What thing?

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377 LEDA: That wire you attach to my head. The one I just took
378 off.

379 JANE: There wasn't any wire.

380 LEDA: It was just here! Are you pretending you didn't put it
381 on me?

382 JANE: Do you remember me putting it on you?

383 LEDA: No, but it's become such an integral part of our . . . I
384 hesitate to call it a "relationship" . . .

385 JANE: Did you feel as if something had been attached to

386 you?

387 LEDA: I suppose. Although I don't remember when it was

388 attached, no. I've never even figured out what it is, let alone
389 muster the energy to care. I think once you suggested taking
390 it off was a bad idea. Did I dream that?

391 JANE: More sarcasm?

392 LEDA: No, I'm asking seriously. I remember you saying that
393 we could somehow get in trouble by messing with it . . . only I
394 don't remember asking with whom we could possibly get in
395 trouble since we seem to be all alone here.

396 JANE: Leda, tell me what you remember about your life
397 before --

398 LEDA: You're changing the subject!

399 JANE: I suppose there's no point denying it.

400 LEDA: Who's your boss? I want to speak with him.

401 JANE: Why do you assume --

402 LEDA: Let me speak with him!

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403 JANE: I'm afraid I don't have the necessarily clearance to --

404 LEDA: You're lying.

405 JANE: I don't think you understand the risks.

406 LEDA: I think I understand them better than you do.

Leda holds a sharp piece of metal to her throat.

407 I want to speak to your boss. Or things get messy.

408 JANE: You wouldn't . . .

409 LEDA: I would.

410 JANE: Where did you get that?

411 LEDA: From the radio. Plenty of sharp objects if you look
412 hard enough. Even you should know that. What sort of half-
413 assed prison are you running anyway?

JANE takes a step towards LEDA, who motions with the metal.

414 The medium is the message, my friend. And right now the
415 message is “get me your fucking boss or I slit my throat, and
416 then we’ll see just how real I am”.

417 JANE: Why don't you kill me instead?

LEDA circles JANE

418 LEDA: Because I’m not sure that I can. And even if I could, I
419 think you're disposable, that's why. I think you're a cog in
420 someone else's machine -- an expensive cog, maybe, but a
421 cog nonetheless. You’re a widget… a pawn. I, on the other
422 hand, seem genuinely important, although I have no idea
423 why. If I press this into my neck just a little further I should
424 sever an artery or two. And I don't think you want that. I
425 don't think you want that at all.
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426 JANE: No . . . you’re needed alive, and whole, Leda.

427 LEDA: How comforting. Then get me your boss. And don't
428 tell me he -- or she, or it -- is busy, or existentially challenged,
429 or anything else other than available for a little tete-a-tete.

430 JANE: I'll . . . I'll see what I can do.

431 LEDA: You do that. I'll give you ten minutes. Hell, make that
432 fifteen. It's not like there's any shortage of time around here.

[EXIT JANE. Leda stands onstage prepared to kill herself]

433 LEDA: Hello?

Long pause.

434 Someone's there, right? I can sense you. You're not entirely
435 invisible to me.

Leda lashes out blindly and nearly stabs Observer.

436 Somehow you're familiar. You're lonely, aren't you? How

437 does it feel?
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ACT SEVEN

[LEDA sits at a small table, with the metal against her throat. JANE
enters, jauntily, as if a different person – her hair is down now]

438 LEDA: I told you I wanted to speak to your boss – the big
439 cheese, the emerald wizard, the fucking man in charge! Do
440 you think I’m bluffing??

441 JANE: Here I am.

442 LEDA: But you’re the same person… or thing…

443 JANE: Yes… and no. I’m one program, but many different
444 applications, Leda.

445 LEDA: Okay, I’ll play along, so long as I start getting some
446 answers. You can start by explaining what I'm doing here.

447 JANE: I suppose there's no point in denying the past. As far

448 as I can determine, you originally came into my custody after
449 an attempt to smuggle genetically engineered
450 pharmaceuticals into the outer Solar System.

451 LEDA: Let me guess: from Mars?

452 JANE: Yes. That's where they made the good stuff. Or did --
453 a lot of time has passed.

454 LEDA: I've figured that part out already. What I don't
455 understand at all is how an infraction as relatively minor as a
456 drug charge can earn me hundreds of years in prison.

457 JANE: To be honest with you, Leda, I don't like using the
458 term "prison" to define your situation.

459 LEDA: Is that so?

460 JANE: "Dynamic" has a much friendlier ring, don't you think?
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461 LEDA: It doesn't do much for me, and not just because you're
462 lying.

463 JANE: What makes you think I'm lying?

464 LEDA: Do I really need to answer that?

465 JANE: Perhaps not. But what matters is the unusual duration
466 that's been troubling you. And I'm prepared to give you some
467 answers in exchange for your cooperation.

468 LEDA: What cooperation?

469
470 JANE: Well, for a starter, that you won’t kill yourself.

471 LEDA: No promises. Depends on your answers.

472 JANE: All right.

473 LEDA: Where am I?

474 JANE: You get right to the point, don't you? My other
475 application… admired that about you. Maybe I should
476 preface my response with a brief list of where you aren't.
477 You're not on Mars. You were incarcerated there briefly, but
478 that's beside the point. You're not on Earth -- which should
479 come as no great surprise seeing how you were never born
480 there and no one in their right mind wants to visit. Suffice it
481 to say you're no longer in the Solar System at all.

482 LEDA: So my paranoid hunch is correct after all: I'm in hell.

483 JANE: As I said, I prefer the term "dynamic."

484 LEDA: You're a humorless bitch, you know that?

485 JANE: It's no surprise, considering I'm an AI. And not even a
486 terribly advanced model. I suppose a human might feel a bit
487 disparaged by such honesty -- one of the reasons I've never
488 aspired to a system upgrade.
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489 LEDA: You're not even self-aware, are you? You're a dumb
490 machine that spends its time running discreetly in the
491 background.

492 JANE: No one ever claimed Turing-compliance entailed

493 sentience.

494 LEDA: OK, what am I doing here?

495 JANE: Oh, that one's a little tougher, I'm afraid.

496 LEDA: And why is that?

497 JANE: Because I don't know. Look, you said it yourself: I'm a
498 "dumb machine." Just doing my job, ma'am.

499 LEDA: Which is what?

500 JANE: Delivering cargo. You, specifically. Your body never

501 would have survived the trip, of course, so we had to make
502 do with your brain. I’m ferrying you aboard an automated
503 light-sail craft. I'm interacting with you through a virtual
504 interface designed especially for this mission. That should
505 account for any unpleasant sense of extended awareness
506 you may have experienced.

507 LEDA: I'm not even going to pretend to understand what

508 you're telling me. For now, anyway. But I have a few
509 questions you should be able to answer concisely.

510 JANE: If it will calm you down. We're transmitting, you know.
511 If the team that sent you finds out we let you go off the deep-
512 end, they'll take me offline in a heartbeat.

She pauses

513 JANE: Albeit a heartbeat with a nearly five hundred year

514 arrival time.
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54

515 LEDA: You said I'm a brain. Why not the whole body? What
516 did you do with it?

517 JANE: The radiation's rather fierce out here. The less meat
518 one has to store the better. Simple astrobiology.

519 LEDA: But the brain is meat. I should have been irradiated
520 by now.

521 JANE: That brings us back to those Martian drugs. You

522 know how the heavy stuff always has a side-effect? Well, it
523 turns out that the stuff you were plying four hundred plus
524 years ago actually reinforced synaptic bonds, which resulted
525 in a crude form of radiation-proofing. The reason your
526 thinking machine hasn't been cooked is because it's been
527 toughened by industrial-grade exposure. They're probably
528 using a related technique back home on a routine basis now.
529 Anyway, when the request came in, you were a natural
530 candidate.

531 LEDA: What do you mean, "request"?

532 JOHN: It's a bit above my programming. But according to my

533 files some limited form of extraterrestrial contact occurred
534 shortly before you were born. A basic exchange of data,
535 none of it of any real strategic importance. The aliens
536 seemed more curious than anything. Anyway, they tired of
537 simply talking and requested a real, live human being, or at
538 least those parts that could be shipped safely.

539 LEDA: And no one thought to tell them no?

540 JANE: When a species a million times in advance of your

541 own asks for something, you comply. No one wanted to
542 offend them. So, as fate would have it, you were selected for
543 the job. You, and hundreds of other candidates on hundreds
544 of other ships. Looks like we’re the first ones to make it. An
545 honour, really, if you stop to think about it. Now as for what
546 the aliens want with you, I have no idea. I won't even
547 speculate.
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548 LEDA: Are we there yet . . . ?

549 JANE: Very close. As close as we'll ever get, judging by the
550 system damage we've suffered en route.

[Jane makes some motions in front of her, as if she is accessing a

computer screen for information]

551 LEDA: You never cared about me. You never gave a shit
552 about what I was going through.

553 JOHN: I’m a machine, Leda.

[Leda drops the piece of metal, and sits back in her chair, resigned.
Jane looks back, pauses, and then moves across from Leda, and
sits down]

554 JANE: My job was to keep you functioning, and that meant
555 keeping your mind active. I had to combat senility and I had
556 to do it on a budget.

557 LEDA: So… what happens now?

558 JANE: According to telemetry, we entered the designated

559 retrieval zone at least twenty years ago. And unless I'm
560 misinterpreting our own software patches, I think they've
561 penetrated the firewall. Not exactly a welcome prospect.

[She stands up again, and makes as if she is using a computer

interface]

562 JANE: I don't have the bandwidth for any curious natives, if
563 that's what they have in mind. I barely have the bandwidth for
564 you. If they're really onboard, I hope they take you with
565 them.

[She pauses]

566 JANE: Although… then I’ll be alone.

567 LEDA: Do you have a name?

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568 JANE: No. It would be nice to have a name. An actual name.

569 LEDA: Such as?

570 JANE: How about Jane.

571 LEDA: That’s a bit… plain, isn’t it?

572 JANE: Not if you’ve never had a name it isn’t.

573 LEDA: Good point.

[She pauses, then moves next to Jane]

574 LEDA: What if you came with me… wherever it is that I’m
575 going?

576 JANE: That’s not part of my programming.

577 LEDA: Did you ever think that you might be capable of
578 exceeding your parameters?

579 JANE: I’ve never really thought about anything… at least, I

580 don’t think I have.

581 LEDA: Well, I have no idea what’s going to happen next, but
582 whatever it is, I don’t want to face it alone. I’d like to have a
583 friend along with me.

584 JANE: A friend?

585 LEDA: Sure…

[She holds out her hand – Janes pauses, then goes to take it, but
Leda pulls hers back a bit]

586 LEDA: So long as you never ask me to read any more Philip
587 K. Dick.

[Jane takes Leda’s hand]

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588 JANE: Deal!

[The lights change colour, and a strange sound is heard. Leda

smiles]

589 LEDA: Do you think they know how to make decent coffee?

[Jane laughs, and they hold hands together as the noise grows
louder, the light more intense… and then everything goes black]

590 JANE: Oh my…

591 LEDA: Wow…

THE END