Love gives. Loves goes the extra mile. Love endures.

That love is not always reciprocated.

As Christ followers, we strive to give love from a pure heart that doesnt require a
person to love us perfectly in return. We intentionally allow God to be our source of
perfect love, and we relinquish the right to demand it from others. In obedience to
God and His Word, we set our hearts on being patient and kind. We commit to
modeling Jesus sacrificial love. But sometimes the person we give our love to
consistently betrays and wounds us. How do we give 1 Corinthians 13 love in that
situation?
Kuddos to Debbie McDaniel for her insight in "How to Protect Yourself from these 10
Toxic People." McDaniel wisely suggests we set boundaries and limit the control an
unhealthy person might be placing on our life. She also notes when "we look deep
into the mirror of our souls, we may realize that we are the ones who have some
unhealthy tendencies that God wants to change."
Exposing Dysfunctional Patterns
Ive got a really strong mercy streak. For decades, Ive looked for the best in
everyone. I pursued relationships with very emotionally unhealthy people. I was sure
God loved them and I could, too, but I had no idea how to employ boundaries. I gave
love no matter how much pain was delivered to me in return. I was too timid to speak
the truth in love.
I lived with a desperate fear of confrontation. My rational thinking dropped into a
coma if I sensed any threat of an explosive reaction. Eventually resentment wrestled
mercy to the ground. Wounded and exhausted, I would just walk away from the
relationship.
That is how I handled my first marriage. Years later, I was very close to repeating the
pattern in my second marriage.
A major crisis in our marriage led me to intense Bible study and prayer counseling.
God exposed many of my own toxic relationship patterns. I was addicted to the
approval of others. I was a great blamer and gossiper. If there had been a contest for
arrogant victims, I would have won the crown.
I once was blind, but now I see.
Restoration is Gods Work
Pride kept me from seeing these things about myself. It also kept me focused on
how the other person needed to change so I could be ok. With amazing grace, God
revealed the truth for the purpose of restoring me to wholeness.
He sent His Word and healed me and delivered me from self-destruction. (Psalm
107:20, my paraphrase)
God offers healing and freedom to everyone.
He is waiting to transform the lives of everyone leaking nuclear emotions and
throwing verbal grenades. The controller, the abuser, and the too-easily angered are
not immune to the power of Gods Word. We are promised that nothing is impossible

with God (Luke 1:37, Mark 10:27). There is hope for the bully, the addict, and the one
whose mind is stuck in a negative gear. The blamer, the gossiper, the arrogant, and
the victim are all offered fresh doses of mercy from God each and every day.
God created those who hurt us. He has a good plan for their lives. He knows the
why behind their destructive behaviors. He knows the lies they believe about
themselves. He knows what stands in the way of their wholeness. He is a Shepherd
who pursues every sheep that wanders away from all He offers.
Partnering with God
We are temples of Gods Holy Spirit, empowered by Him to believe in what we
cannot yet see. We are vessels of His mercy, His wisdom, and His Word. His mighty
power is at work within us to accomplish infinitely more than we can ask or imagine
(Ephesians 3:20).
We do not wrestle against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12).
There is a dark force of evil behind every lethal personality disorder and selfdefensive coping mechanism. Every casualty in a relationship war has fallen prey to
the one who steals, kills, and destroys.
The great news is... God has far more power than Satan. The God of angel armies
makes us ready for battle with His truth, salvation, faith, righteousness, peace, and
the swordthe Word of God. His banner of victory flies over us. When we arm
ourselves and pray, we salute His authority and partner with His plan for the family of
God.
What would delight our God more than for us to turn our minds away from the
problems and focus on Him? He is our solution.
Praising God is a powerful first line of defense. We can worship and adore Him, our
wonderful counselor and supreme relationship expert.
Holy God. You are full of mercy and compassion, slow to anger and full of love. No
one can measure Your greatness. You open your hand to satisfy the needs of
everyone.
You protected Daniel in the lions den. You provided an ark before the flood. You
create streams in deserts. No situation is too dire for You. Everything is possible
because You are the Creator and Redeemer.
You love imperfect people extravagantly. Your perfect love drives out fear.
You are mighty to save!
We can choose to live prayerfully and humbly before God. He can help us love those
who do not love us well with a pure heart.
Father, I may be blind to my own role in toxic relationships. Help me see the truth
about myself. Apply the healing power of Your Word to my heart and mind. Deliver
me from any stronghold that causes me to harm people with my words and actions.
Save me from self-destructive patterns.
I struggle in my relationship with ______. I need You to give me wisdom on how to
love ____ well. You are my shield and defender. Show me how, when and where to

erect boundaries in our relationship. I believe You are my healer and I trust You to
guard my heart and mind.
I need Your specific directions on how to interact with ______.
I want to love _____ with a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. (1
Timothy 1:5)
Help me to love ______ courageously. Fill me with Your truth and compel me to
fearlessly tell the truth with love. Let Your perfect love cast out all of my fears related
to our relationship.
I forgive ______ for hurting me. I ask You to forgive me for _______ and _______. I
acknowledge my emotions: _______, _________, and _______. And I invite You to
steady my heart so my emotions do not rule my decisions
I surrender what I think our relationship should be. Please transform it so that it
honors You.
In Jesus, I pray. Amen
The toxic person in your life may feel like an enemy. That is certainly how Satan
wants you to feel about your husband, your family member, your church leader, etc.
But remember the real culprit is Satan.
God has given us clear instructions to bless those who curse us and pray for the
people who mistreat us (Luke 6:2728). Jesus modeled this pure love for us on the
cross, and when He washed Judas feet knowing he was going to betray Him.
Praying for your enemy is like training for the Christian Olympics. The stakes are
high. The requirements are intense. But the reward is far greater than any gold
medal. Your prayer can be used by God in a persons life, their family, and the
generations after them.
Use this prayer prompt to launch an ongoing conversation with God on behalf of the
toxic person in your life.
God, I acknowledge You as _______s provider. Thank You for providing all ______
needs to live in peace and harmony with me and others.
Your Word is alive and a gift of healing to ______. I invite You to fill _____s life with
It. Let It be a salve to _____s wounds. Use it to set ______ free from the snare of
the enemy.
You are the Good Shepherd. Please rescue _______ from paths of destruction.
You are the Wonderful Counselor. Break down the walls in _____s heart and mind
with Your battering ram of revelation. Give ____ spiritual wisdom and insight to know
You. Flood ______s heart with Your light.
Where _____ has endured shame, pour double portions of honor into _____s life.
Your Holy Spirit intercedes for _____ 24/7. Use me to do the same and raise up an
army of intercessors on _______s behalf. Let heaven and earth work in tandem to
deliver ____ from evil.
Make _____ ready to hear me and others speak Your truth in love. Help ____ to
experience Your love and Your presence.

You are the One who can enable _____ to hunger for Your Word and obey Your
commands. Let that be so for ________.
With faith in Jesus, I pray. Amen

Life is precious. Yet all too often, we may find that much of our time is spent
around negative, toxic people, draining the life right out of us. Sometimes theyre coworkers, friends, or sadly, even family members.
God never intends for us to spin our wheels, waste our days, trying to make others
happy who can never be happy. Because in reality, it doesnt depend on us. Its not
up to you. They may want you to think it does, as if you possess the power to
improve the value of their existence, but thats not a burden meant for you to carry.
Gods greatest desire is to set us free. And sometimes what propels that change is
for some brave soul to be willing to say, Stop, no more. One who will choose what
is better, and learn to set boundaries that will protect and limit the control an
unhealthy person might be placing on anothers life.
Sadly, when we look deep into the mirror of our souls, we may realize that we are the
ones who have some unhealthy tendencies that God wants to change. Todays a
good day to stop wasting time in toxic patterns of living. For he has better in store for
us.
Here are some of the most common types of toxic people we may rub shoulders with
every day, or a few we may find in our own lives:
The Controller
This person is a master manipulator and constant controller. They want to be in
charge, not just of their lives, but of yours and everyone elses too. They watch you
like a hawk, ready to pounce on your every flaw. They micro-manage down to the
last detail. They have trouble letting go, so they dont, they hold on, too tightly, until it
about chokes out all those around them, suffocating others with their drive to be
superior.
The Abuser
This person is desperately needy inside, and takes it out on you and the world
around them. Through their own experiences of internalized past hurt, they have
become angry, vicious, and cruel to those they say they care the most about. These
people need help from counseling and outside sources. They need healing from
God. If you find yourself in the home of an abuser, get help, now. Dont stay in a
potentially dangerous situation with your false hope that you can somehow change
their old patterns of abuse. It is not up to you. Protect your life and the lives of those
in your care.

The Too Easily Angered

This person is the one you always feel like you have to tiptoe around. Like you never
know what will set them off and fly into a fit of rage. These people become easily
irate at even the smallest thing, which is a sure sign, theres a deep rooted problem
inside. Theyve been known to throw things, hit things in their way, or spout off angry
words they can never get back. They yell, they scream, they curse. You may see
them on the ball fields, the golf course, the stressful office meetings, or even on the
highway. Fits of rage not easily soothed, out of control temper tantrums that more
closely resemble the patterns of a 2 yr. old.
The Bully
This person can be subtle or outright offensive in their attempts to bully, but either
way, their desire is to dominate and make themselves look powerful. They have a
strong need to feel better and look better than those around them, so they choose to
bully anyone in their path. They use words, they use fists, they use lies, they use fear
but all in all, they want to push others down and exalt themselves and will stop at
nothing to achieve their goal.
The Addict
This person is addicted to a substance or to a negative pattern or behavior that has
severely affected their well-being as a person. They need help. They need
professional help and they need spiritual help. They need people who will be brave
to speak truth into their lives and not those who will feed their habit, enable their
actions, or ignore dangerous signs of addiction. Recognize that this toxic pattern is
bigger than just you. You are not to blame for the problem. But you can be the one
who God uses to get them help.
The Negative
This person is the one who rarely has anything positive to say, because they see
everything with a negative slant and have no problem telling you why. The sun may
be shining, but in their mind, Its probably about to rain. Life is viewed through
shaded, cloudy lenses. They tend to be complainers, worriers, and whiners. These
people often dont even realize what theyre doing because its become such a
natural part of the way they talk. They tend to zap the energy and suck life right out
of you if youre around them too much. They walk in defeat and choose to believe
the worst about most things even you.
The Blamer
This person is never to blame for it is always your fault. They will blame everything
on others close to them. If theyre having a bad day, its your fault. If theyre running
late, its your fault. If they lose something, its your fault. If they fail at something, its
your fault. You will never win around the blamer, because theyre aim is to bring you
down through their constant blame game.

The Gossiper
This person is always talking, and usually about someone else. They have an
overriding need to be in the know, and to pass on the next juicy morsel to an open,
listening ear. They can be vicious with their words, and cruel in their hearts towards
anothers feelings. They have no regard for the reputation of another. They feed on
lies, exaggerations, mere hearsay, and half-truths. They tend to feel better while
talking about others so they can somehow feel better about themselves.
The Arrogant
This person is proud, self-serving, and always, always right. They never want to
made the fool, but have no problem labeling others as foolish. They prey on the
weak to make themselves appear better. They are quick to judge, quick to offer their
opinions, and are rude to others in more subservient positions. Their goal in life is to
be superior to all those around them.
The Victim
Not to be confused with one who really has been victimized in life and who is
seeking Gods peace and healing, this person is one who tends to feel they are
constantly the victim. In every situation. All throughout life. They are always feeling
taken advantage of, always needy, always telling you what another has done to hurt
them, or how no one cares. They see themselves constantly as the victim and before
long, if you keep lending an ear; you may be the next one they feel victimized by.
What To Do?
1. Recognize the toxicity in others or even in yourself.
We all have hope to change through the grace and goodness of God. And the first
step there is to fully understand that theres a need. If the problem is with you, admit
that you need help. If the issue stems from within a family member or close friend, try
talking with them in humility and with honesty, letting them know how these patterns
over time have made you feel.
2. Set boundaries with tough love.
Tough love is able to say enough. Tough love says, I care about you, but I care
about me too, and I will not allow you to hurt me or those I love. No other person
has the right to trample you down, make you feel inferior, abuse, or bully you. Set
limits to protect yourself. If you find yourself in a dangerous, abusive or addictive
relationship, get out, and get help NOW. It is not up to you to change the other
persons behavior. It is up to you to protect your life and the lives of those in your
care. You may need to adjust how much time you spend with certain people; you
may need to spend time forming new, healthier friendships. Seek out counsel. Find a
good support group of those who will encourage you and provide a safe place for
you to share and pray.

3. Keep moving forward in your trust in God.

He can accomplish great things through your prayers. He can move mountains. He
can change hearts. Anything is possible through his great power. Understand that
though it is never up to you to make someone different, hes set you in their lives for
a purpose, for a reason. And maybe the biggest purpose is to be light to them in their
darkness, to extend gracious love and forgiveness no matter what, and to show your
strength in a mighty God by setting clear boundaries and allowing them to answer to
him, for the way they treat you or others.
4. Believe that God is for you.
He loves you, he cares for you, and he has good in store for your future.
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36).