Dork Covenant (6616301) PDF

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)
To the love of my
life, my wife Judith,
for believing in this,
andinme.
DORK COVENANT
The Collected Dork Tower, Volume I
by John Kovdlic
Published by Dork Storm Press
PO Box 45063,
Madison, WI 5 3744
Fax: (801) 881-7833
E-mail: john@ kovalic.com
MARKETING AND ADVERTISING:

Liz Fulda, sales@DorkStorm.corn
Phone: (608) 255-1348 Fax: (608) 255-1352
PRINTED IN CANADA.
FIRST PRINTING, October 2000
ISBN1-930964-40-4
Story and art 02000 John Kovalic. All rights reserved. No portion of this
publication save for brief review excerpts may be reproduced without the express
consent of the copyright holder. This is a work of fiction: any similarities to any
actual persons or muskrats save for the purpose of satire is purely coincidental.
<--
"Hey, Marcia. Come and see the sata@f
+p4-'
1
1
- t\
I
That one still cracks me up
-/
Ihave no great affection for gaming, but then I'm always suspicious when
a noun becomes a verb without warning. Like "party." It is interesting to me
qL
that, right around the time-that "party" became a verb (I
party, you party,
he/she/it parties, we party, you party, they party), what it was describing had
virtually ceased to exist and the sort of characters that Kevin Smith has made
career out of documenting had taken over. I n myday, when those fellows
Dok over the keg, you knew that you should have left half an hour ago.
You might well ask what has this to do with John Kovalic and his excellent
omic book, Dork Tower.
You might well ask what is wrong with the characters that Kevin Smith
fi
,ocuments?
You would ask in vain, however, for Iconfine my closely reasoned arguments
to the back pages of Cerebus.
I1 I l l Y
Uh. Cerebus? The comic book that Idraw?
Yes. Yes. Twenty-three years now (almost). A little over three years to go.
'ardon? Yes, it's one long story that I started in ... Science fiction? No, no.
Iit isn't reallya ... well, Cerebus diddo a tour of the solar system in one of ..
Fantasy? Uhh. Yeah. Imean, not as much as there was early on when it was
niostly a Conan parody. Conan. Well, before the movies, Conan was a ... No,
Im
' not really interested in Hollywood myself. You mean, like a Cerebusanimated
C'artoon or something? No, Ireally... Well, the loss of control. See, when you
ign a contract with a studio, they. .. Pardon? Well, millions of dollars if everything
S'
- goes right. But, you see, it only goes right once in a great while. Like with
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but then you have to stop writing and
drawing and become the CEO full-time of whatever you ... Well, Idon't know
~LIW
how many millions the Tuflles made, exact/' But millions and millions, yes.
TRM5
o ~ t 41
t
definitely... See, to me, when you self-publish your work, as Ido with Cerebus
mv
LOW
and as John Kovalic is now doing with Dork Tower, the idea is to reduce the
7~
amount of outside interference and to limit the business side to turning the
artwork into printed comic books and getting them t o the ...
\ToNo, comic books. The ones in the newspaper are comicstr@s, ad
/
? Yes, it was very sad that Charles Schulz died.
JOHN KOVALIC GOT A LE-TTER FROM HIM ONCE. ~r7
\S"T .P
Yes, that's right. TheCharles Schulz. Oh, many millions of doll;x s ... maybe
2
\3
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~~
c _
'
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3.
--
,
'
Yes. It 13hard to imagine, Well, Ithink what impressed John was more the ~D,I
qualityof the str@and that was why getting a letter from its creator was such Th'
a big deal to him ... why he has the letter framed and up on his...
No. A lotof cartoonists do that, but Schulz didn't have ghosts. He wrote and
drew and pencilled and inked and lettered every Peanuts strip that ever...
7
Yes, wasn't that great? Yes, Iwatch it every Christmas myself. And when
,
;
I
I
Linus goes out into the spotlight and starts reciting from Luke's Gospel...
hL' Well, it was first aired in 1965, so Iguess it's made a lot of money since
VE
S then. Idon't really know how those things work. Whether the studio gets paid
CC
q'r
every time it's aired and pays Schulz's estate (now), or if someone bought the '/lS
rights to it, you know, some big corporation like Time-Warner or ABC or
something offered a lot of money for it at some point and Schulz (or whoever ?,+,,
owned it) just decided... ---- 1
I1
- A Dork Towermovie?
Well, Idon't know. See, that's one of the funny things with self-publishers.
Some of them are interested in Hollywood and some aren't. It seems to me
1
that you don't really know which one you are until you get an actual offer frc
... Pardon?
A
Well, Idid-years and years ago--get a phone call from Lucasfilm... Yes. S
Wars. Definitely. Star Wars has made millions and millionsof dollars... Wt
no, just the one phone call. As Isaid, I'm not interested, so, you know, thc
wasn't much reason for them to call back. Regret it? No. No, uh, exactly the
opposite. As Isaid, Idon't really have any interest in Hollywood. As Isaid, ;,u,aEo,
1
ABout
L'kV
nub.
the loss of controljust...
c h,OWS'
Danny DeVito as Igor? -BOOK-, ) \ \
n ,
Well, Danny DeVito has got to be... what? Late forties, early fifties by now.
I always got the impression that the characters in Dork Tower are... Well, yes,
you're right. There aregamers who are in their late forties and early fifties.
A Yes, that's true. If you have characters of different ages, they do like that in 2
- --~
Hollywood.
Hit
the
different
demographic
groups.
You
could
cast
same
hot
,
,
p
twenty year-old as Matt and get that older brother-younger brother thing.
At
Make Igor the sloppy one and Matt the neat one. Yeah, like the Odd Couple.
i No, no--exactly. The first Odd Couple movie or maybe even the Odd Couple
television show. Or you could make Matt a girl. Jenna Elfman and Danny
DeVito. Wouldn't that be something? Yeah, they're both really funny.
\t,
Speaking of really funny, have you ever readDork Tower?The Dork Tower
, [ comic book? No?
You really should.
5
Yes,
\
Yes, it is.
It's very, very funny.
I
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Christian
Adafaly (order #6616301)
--.
11
Come on, Daddy needs a new

sword of wounding."
-Langly in X-Files:
"Unamal Saspects"
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TH\Nb Q\FFE?.kK
DRRY ROLEP
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SLAY" MRGAZ\NE
COMES IN APLRSTIC
SO. HOW'S THE
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OUT AT SOME
FQINT OR
OTHER.
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BIG
MAKE
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Perky, a little bouncy, not too bouncy...I 1

-Brittuny in Duriu: Mulled
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L\KE THRi
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41998 Shetland Productions muskra@msn.fullfeed.com DORK CE
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OKAY- YOU ENTER THE TUROUE

ROOM. THE GEM OF TERN hL
WWER L\ES \NNM\DDL OF,,,
48
OK(AY!OK(A
ONE
MORE CURRRCTER.Oa!
BUT TWS IS \T.'SO BE
CAREFUL W\TH \T ru\S
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TIME!
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IME SAYS ,WE GT IT
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1-
The trouble with computers, of course,

is that theyre very sophisticated idiots.
99
-The Doctor (Tom BuRer) in

Doctor Who: The Robot
..
0-
- --___
.__
I
/--
- -
57
58
59
60
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HEARD
m w ME.
I'VE Gay TO
60 CrlBBER
62
OF IT?
IT'S R WLLING
THOUGHT, MRT
FPOMHERE ON
...
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ONLY O N E
66
BY
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( IGOR!
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YO0
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EN!\
70
71
72
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EPISODE IV/
Laugh it up, fuzzball.

-Han Solo t o Cbewbacca in
Star Wars: Tbe Empire
Strikes Back
--
81
---
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82
83
84
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oh my,,.
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)1998 Shetland Pmductions rnuskra@msi
1.mDORK CENTRAL: http:/h.pe(
93
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96
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101
102
11
O n my world, there are books,

thousands of pages, about the power of
one mind to change the Universe, but
none said it as clearly as this."
/-
-DeZenn t o SincZair in
Babylon 5: "The Gathering"
/
/
/
4Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)
105
106
CUTTING HUMOR' A
\ b&DTHR'S
MORE! l&?I
\fi. NORE!
J
pf
107
I08
I09
I12
I16
I17
LETS S W W R SOME
3SW SHUT UP
I19
J
0-c
120
122
123
TO DRRWIN
124
I25
I26
11
Take me out tonight, where theres music

and there are people who are young and alive...11
-The Smiths: There is u Light Thut
Never Goes Oat
129
130
I
131
..
132
I33
THE \NTFRNAT\OIJRL
HOUSE OF PAMUKES
FOR YEU\MGTOO LOUD
I34
I35
136
AND TU\RDLU, WELL,

LET'S FRCE It, HE'S
I37
NEW STUFF. 1%
138
GOT A FEW
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I42
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I
I44
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THE WORLD !
p4
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L
t
J
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149
150
T T
w e l c o m e to GloomCon, a
dreary little convention where
you and your lifeless friends have
made the fatal error of signing up
for a LARP called Escape from
Dork Tower. Its a live-action
role-playing game that takes you
all over the hotel, playing tic-tactoe for combat and collecting
magic beans for use in your
quest to save the princess
from the Evil sorcerer whos
locked her up in his tower. In
other words, its even stupider
than you thought.
The winner of todays game gets

to participate in the all-day
Escape from Dork Tower
adventure/tournament tomorrow,
which is a punishment you now
desperately want to avoid.
However, theres only one creature
left, hes been worn down to one
hit point, and no one whos still
alive has any desire to kill it.
So, run away! If the Monster
catches you, youll be forced to
fight it, and youll win the game
automatically. And if you win,
youll be stuck playing this all
again tomorrow, which basically
means you lose.
pauses for each step remaining in your

move, so the Monster can keep moving
towards you.
Players: 3-6
Playing Time: 15-30 Minutes
You Need: A Pawn for every player,
some Pennies, one 6-sided die, and one
Master Pawn to represent the Monster.
The Board: The board represents the
convention area of the hotel. It is
composed of 25 rooms separated by 42
doorways.
To Begin: Determine a first player by
some random method, and then place
your Pawns on the numbered rooms
surrounding the Ballroom, starting with
the player who will go first. In other
words, Player 1 starts on the 1, Player
2 on 2, and so on.
Start the Monster in the Ballroom (the
center of the board, labeled Escape From
Dork Tower).
Place pennies across some of the
doorways, as shown by the circles on the
board. These pennies represent tables,
which block off the doorways they cover.
The tables will move around throughout
the game, and the number and starting
configuration of the tables will vary
depending on how many people are
playing.
Now youre ready to play!
Moving the Tables: You can move one

table after taking a step. After you move
into a room, you may move a table from
any doorway in that room to any other

doorway in that room.
You cant move a table before you take
a step. In other words, when you start
your turn,you cant move a table in your
current location to open up a new exit;
you must move one step first, through an
open door.
How the Monster Moves: The Monster

takes each step right after you do. He
cant move through tables, but he can
move through other players. However,
he can only catch the player who is
currently active; the inactive players are
out of game, and so he cant see them.
The Monster always tries to take the
shortest path towards you. If the best
route is blocked, he moves along the
shortest unblocked route. If there are two
or more equivalent moves, the Monster
will randomly pick one. You can do this
by rolling the die, or by letting someone
whos not paying much attention pick a
route. If there is no open path to you
(which is unlikely) then the Monster does
not move. If you and the Monster start a
turn on the same space, he cant catch
you just yet, because youre still out of
game. In this case, youve got just one
step to throw a table in his way!
On Every Turn: Roll the die, and take

that many steps from room to room.
After each step you take, the Monster
will take one step towards you by the
shortest open path. So, if you roll a 5,
both you and the Monster will take 5
steps. If the Monster ever catches you,
you lose!
How You Move: You can move into any
empty room, through any open doorway.
You cant move through a table.
You cant move into an occupied room.
You must take a step if you can.
If you are blocked off completely (which
is highly unlikely), you must count off
I52
If there are more than 6 players: You

can start extra players in the outside
corners. Starting; at the umer left. and
proceeding cl&kwise, Iiumber the
corners 7,8,9, and 10. Remove the tables
fiom every occupied corner.
Winning: There isnt a winner in this

game, just one loser. When the Monster
catches up to you, you win, which means
you lose, because everybody else goes
away happy. If you have a competitive
streak, keep score over a series of games.
The losers get 1 mark for each loss, and
the player with the fewest marks wins.
Strategy: Its very hard for the Monster

to catch you unless you run into a dead
end, or get stuck in a corner. Therefore,
to isolate someone, pla ers must try to
build dead ends for ot ers by moving
the tables, and by using themselves as
roadblocks. Remember, layers cant m
through other players, !l ut the Monster
can. So, cluster around the player you
want to catch, and trap him.
Where to put the tables: For 5 or 6

players, place 12 tables on the doors
marked with white dots. For 3 or 4
players, place 4 additional tables on the
doors marked T.
Escapefiom Dork Tower 01999 Cheapass

Games. A game by James Ernest,
illustrated by John Kovalic with helpfiom
Toivo Rovainen, Joshua Howard, Jeff
Vo el, Dave Howell, and a punch bowl
fuf1 of timid and retiring guinea pigs.
[HEAPASS IAMB
visit us on the web at www.cheapass.com.
I53
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
The number of people I have to thank is simply staggering to me.
My family, first and foremost, and my friends. My readers (thank you
thank you thank you). My gaming group (Lory, Randy, Terry, Krista
(MIA) and Din0 (MIA)) in general, and Scott Olman (the real Igor)
and Bill Bodden (the real Pegasaurus Bill) in particular. Everyone at
Pegasus Games, Castle Perilous, the Source, Capitol City Comics,
Westfield Comics, Etc., 20th Century Books, Star Clipper and
Dreamhaven Comics. Everyone at the late, lamented Shadis magazine
for starting this whole thing in the first place -- DJ, Rob, Jim, Marcello,
Cris, Maureen and the 2-Man - it was like family, guys, and I miss
you. Dave Gross and everyone at Dragon Magazine for being so
freaking great, and Larry Smith for dragging me there in the first
place. Which is to say nothing of the folks at Pyramid and Scrye
magazines these days. Steve Jackson Games, Cheapass Games and
The Army of Dorkness (you know who you are). Dave Sim, Terry
Moore, Mrke Baron, Gary Gygax, SteveJackson and Jolly Blackburn,
for being great guys. The folks on the Dork Tower mailing lists and
at the Dork Tower Yahoo club. Bruce McLean and the crew at the
Millfield Newspaper. Adrian, Malcolm and Andrew, my first gaming
group lo those many years ago. Alex Robinson, Scott Roberts and all
the others whose work keeps me going. Everyone else whom I've
forgotten as I sit here typing this, blown away by it all.
Last -- and far from least -- I wouldn't here if it wasn't for the help
of my partners in crime, Aaron Williams and Liz Fulda.
Blame them. And my cats.
About the Author

John Kovalic was born in Manchester, England, in 1962.
Dork Tower began in SHADIS magazine in 1996, and the
multi-Origins award-nominated Dork Tower comic book
was launched in June 1998. The first issue sold out in
eight weeks to fantastic reviews and tremendous industry
buzz. John's award-winning editorial cartoons appear
everywhere from his hometown WISCONSIN STATE
JOURNAL and CAPITAL TIMES (Madison, WI) to the
NEW YORK TIMES and the WASHINGTON POST.
His other creations include SnapDragons and Newbies
(with Liz Rathke), Wild Life, Beached, the Unspeakable
Oaf and many others.
One of the first cartoonists to put their work on the
internet, his self-produced World Wide Web site,
kovalic.com, has received numerous national and
international kudos. If you ask him nicely, he'll tell you
how he helped create GAMES Magazine's 1999 Party
Game of the Year, the international best-selling, awardwinning "Apples to Apples." He may even tell you how
he once ended up in the pages of the National Enquirer.
His degree was in Economics with a minor in Astrophysics.
In his spare time, John searches for spare time.
L i v e in to
Gaming
themide!
I
TOWER T-shirts,back-issues, other comics

I andDORK
award-winning games illustrated by John Kovalic
Aherestare
iust d i e rolls.
are now available! Quantities are limited (to how

many you want to buy).
All prices INCLUDE postage and packin

to the United States. Please add 25%
for international airmailshipments.Please
send your checks, postal orders or
Master Card, Visa or Discover card
information to:
I DORK OFFERINGS
OR MY W..
i.%
KILLED W I - M I
Box 45063
Madison, WI 53744
Please make checks payable to
Dork Tower. E-mail orders:john@kovalic.com.
SmiPARK
Check out the DORK STORE at

fine merchandise!
......$4 each
............................................ $ I 7
............................... $I I
.................................................. $I I
....................................................... $ II
DORK TOWER back issues (7, 8, 9, IO and II available)

MURPHY'S RULES collection (80pp)
WILD LIFE: The Cardinal Collection (128pp)
The WILD LIFE Journals (I28pp)
The WILD LIFE Files (128pp)
COLLECT WLOF
CTHUUU
Shockingly classy DORK TOWER Golf Shirts

Medium, Large, Extra Large
XXL & XXXL
XXXXL
T-SHIRTS
......................................................
.................................................................................
.......................................................................................
$32
$35
$37
(Gorning is Life; Will Gome for Food; Sith Pork; Collect Coll ofCthulhu; PokeGONE; Perky Goth)
I
7
...................................................... $2 I
................................................................................. $23
xxXL.................................................................................$25
XXXXL.......................................................................................
$27
High-Quality DORK TOWER Baseball Caps.................................
$2 I
APPLES t o APPLES Game (Out ofthe Box Games).............
$23
APPLES TO APPLES Expansion Deck One (Out ofthe Box Games)..$lb
APPLES TO APPLES Junior (Out ofthe Box Games).............
$23
BOSWORTH Game (Out of the Box Games)....................................
$23
CHEZ GEEK Game* (Steve lackson Games)...................................
$23
ESCAPE FROM ELBA Game (Cheapass Games)................................
$7
Medium, Large, Extra Large
XXL
+Contains mature themes
High-quality, fullcotton Dork Tower

Golf shirts: The Dork
shirt you can wear to
work! Available now
from the Dork Store.
\1
Just $32 for sizes M. L and XL

$35 for XXL and XXXL
$37 for XXXXL (gamer size).
/
\'
-
-I
..
Send a check, money order or credit card information

(name, address, number and expiration date) to:
Dork Offerings, Box 45063

Madison, WI 53744
M-XL..........$21
M-XL..........$21
XXXL.....
XXXXL..
t-shirts. back-issues and paraphernalia, check out the Dork Store On-line at http://kovalic.com.

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Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

MARKETING AND ADVERTISING:

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

"Hey, Marcia. Come and see the sata@f

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Come on, Daddy needs a new

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

SO. HOW'S THE

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Perky, a little bouncy, not too bouncy...I 1

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

41998 Shetland Productions muskra@msn.fullfeed.com DORK CE

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

OKAY- YOU ENTER THE TUROUE

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

IME SAYS ,WE GT IT

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)

Christian Adafaly (order #6616301)