Solstice Chapter 1-A soul at the edge of the abyss

CHAPTER 1 - A soul at the edge of the abyss

Fine, Ill try and teach him again! Snape snarled at Professor Dumbledore.
Severus, please, for me, dont take all those old wounds that you gained from James out on Harry. Harry
is not James - do not blame him for what
happened." Dumbledore spoke quietly, but his blue eyes held a warning.
Snape sighed in frustration. Dont worry, I wont harm a hair on the golden boys head.
Severus, try to do more than not harm him; Harry is suffering more deeply
than anyone knows. Be patient with him. Dumbledore put a hand on Snapes shoulder. Be kind everyone appreciates some kindness.
Snapes mask dropped for a second and he gave Dumbledore a haunted look as
he remembered a time when Dumbledore had granted him such a kindness.
He gave a curt nod and exited Dumbledores office.
He encountered Harry in the hallway with his ever-growing menagerie of Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville,
and Luna. Potter, come to my office, he snarled at him, not pausing to speak or wait for a response, but
instead continuing to his office at a clipped pace.
Ron cast Harry a sympathetic look while Hermione squeezed his arm in support. Dumbledore had warned
Harry that Snape would have to be the one to continue his Occlumency lessons. It was just too dangerous
for Dumbledore to do it and Snape was the most skilled instructor at Hogwarts.
Harry went reluctantly - very reluctantly. He had argued with Dumbledore against the need for the
lessons, and with Sirius gone he just didnt care if he ever learned them.
He had barely walked into Snapes office before he was snarled at.
All right, Potter, now that you have gotten your way again and fooled Dumbledore into doing exactly
what you want, lets get something straight
Harry glared defiantly at Snape. He hated him almost as much as he hated
Voldemort. He interrupted: I didnt fool anyone, I told the truth. I dont want these lessons! Then, as an
afterthought, he added, If youre still mad at me for looking into your pensieve, I am sorry, I shouldnt
have done it. And Im sorry for what my father did, but Im not my father! He shouted the
last bit at Snape.
Snape smirked sarcastically, And I suppose the Dark Lord wants you over for his next tea party!
Harrys anger rose. Im not lying! he yelled at Snape, frustration and anger evident on his face as his
green eyes blazed. I dont want to take
these lessons! I dont care, its too late, Sirius is gone.
Snape smiled at him maliciously. Yes Sirius is DEAD, but dont you care about Ms. Granger, Mr.
Weasley, and the rest of your entourage? Do you
really not care if they follow Sirius into the veil or perhaps, like Diggory, end up dead at your feet?
Harry blanched. Before he could respond to Snapes words, Snape waved his
wand and shouted Legilimens. Harry was completely unprepared. His last
conscious thought was that Snape obviously wanted to punish him for looking
into the pensieve.
The memories came racing: he was back at the ministry of magic and he once
again felt the incredible, unbearable pain he experienced when Voldemort

possessed him. It lasted only a moment before Snape ended the spell.
Harry found himself collapsed on the floor and gasping for breath, his
heart racing wildly as he trembled.
Snape had considerably paled when he saw Harrys memory. Apparently Dumbledore hadnt given him
all the details. With disgust and anger, he reached down and grabbed Harry by the scruff of the neck and
pulled him to his feet. You have to concentrate and be on your guard at all times. The Dark Lord would
enjoy knowing how much you hurt.
Still shaking from the aftereffects, Harry turned accusing yet pain-filled
eyes on Snape and managed to hoarsely whisper, You are just as cruel
and evil as Voldemort.
A surge of anger coursed through Snape. His hand shook and with his eyes narrowed at Harrys insult, he
waved his wand again. Legilimens.
This time Harry relived Bellatrix Lestranges curse on Sirius and then saw
again, as if in slow motion, Sirius fall though the veil. He also relived Lupin grabbing him to prevent him
from running after his godfather into the
veil. He heard his mind pleading with Dumbledore to kill him while Voldemort
possessed him so that he could see Sirius again. All of sudden, the memories
ended. Harry had collapsed onto the cold stone floor yet again. This time, though, uncontrollable tears
coursed down his face as he shook like a leaf. He brokenly whispered, Sirius I miss you.
Snape stood still, frozen by what he had seen. Dumbledores words washed over him and his own pledge
not to harm Harry began to gnaw at him. He swallowed
heavily, guilt tugging at his soul. Potter lay huddled on the floor, taking
deep breaths and trying desperately to control his emotions. He slowly tried to rise to his feet.
Instinctively, Snape reached out, grabbing him just above his elbows. Dont get up so fast, Potter.
Harrys head came up and he glared at Snape. In a tear-filled, choked voice
he demanded, Get your hands off me! I hate you, I hate you! You hoped that
Voldemort would kill me, and you no doubt celebrated when Sirius, when
Sirius His eyes flooded with tears again and his voice ended in a sob. He started to slide back down
the wall, his shaking legs unable to hold his weight.
Snape went down with him. His heart felt as though a knife had pierced it when Potter had looked at him
with those green, tear-filled eyes - Lilys
eyes. Racking sobs shook Potters body, as his hair fell over his forehead and he succumbed to a flood of
long held back tears, years of anguish all
culminating in this moment.
Snape stayed close to the grieving boy, but was careful not to touch him. I didnt want Sirius dead, and I
dont want you dead. He took a deep breath. I could have said no to Dumbledore, but I didnt. I want
to help you. Snape quietly spoke close to Harrys ear.
Inhaling sharply and getting his emotions under control momentarily, Harry
choked out, Liar, Dumbledore made you. He pushed hard against Snape, trying
to knock him back away from him. He hated so much for Snape, of all people at
Hogwarts, to see him like this. He never cried in front of anyone; he almost
had once in front of Lupin, but he quickly wiped away the tears. The only other time he almost did was
when Mrs. Weasley held him after Cedric died. Yet, here he was in his enemys office and he couldnt
fight off this awful, all-encompassing, suffocating, raw pain. Angry with himself, as well as with
Snape, he again pushed at him.
Snape grabbed his arms and calmly, yet sternly, said, Stop it, none of this
will bring Sirius back! Harrys fists closed over Snapes robe but then
another wave of pain and loss washed over him and his head dropped to hide
his face. Snapes arms wrapped around Harrys shaking shoulders. Harry tried

to fight against him, but Snapes grip tightened and in a firm whisper he responded, Shush, stop fighting
this. You need to let go, let all of that pain, frustration, hurt, and helplessness out.
Before Harry consciously realized what he was doing, he found himself sobbing into Snapes robes and
whispering Sirius over and over again.
Snape rested his chin on Harrys black hair. As he grew quiet, Snape loosened his grip and pulled back.
Harrys hands immediately shot up to wipe all traces of the tears from his face.
You need not be embarrassed, Snape said quietly.
Im not, Harry responded, louder than he had meant too.
Snape stood up. Good, if crying in front of me, or rather on me, doesnt faze you, then we should be able
to move right onto Occlumency again.
Harry closed his eyes tightly, misery washing over him. As his throat closed
up, he managed to croak out, Please no. He felt too awful to even get
up, let alone continue with this lesson. He felt sick and dizzy. He put his
hands over his face and concentrated on his breathing.
He felt Snapes hands grab him by the shoulders again and lift him lightly to his feet. Dont worry, I
wasnt serious, Potter. You are in no shape to do
anything useful tonight.
Harry nodded and attempted to head to the door. He wavered, though, feeling suddenly like he was going
to be sick.
Snape once again grabbed him by the shoulders and guided him over to a comfortable old recliner and
then left him for a moment. Harry collapsed into the chair, feeling too miserable to even look up. He
heard a bottle being uncorked and then Snape held the bottle up to his mouth. Drink this. Harrys
stomach lurched violently and he turned his head away.
It will settle your stomach, Snape explained patiently, still holding the bottle up to him. He had also
added some dreamless sleep potion, but decided against informing Potter. He was quite certain that Potter
had no inclination to spend the night asleep in his office.
Harry glanced up at him and then, with a barely audible whisper, said
thanks before slowly downing it in big gulps.
Snape took the bottle back to be refilled. He grabbed a warm comforter from a cupboard and placed it
over Harry, who had instantly fallen into an exhausted sleep.
He then sat down across from him with a deep, frustrated sigh. He had been deeply disturbed to learn that
Potter had asked for death from Dumbledore when Voldemort possessed him. Dumbledore had kept that
carefully quiet, but no wonder the old man was worried about him. Dumbledore was right, as usual. The
Boy Who Lived suffered unbearably. When Potter had last looked at him with those wary, haunted, longlashed eyes - Lilys eyes - the realization had fully hit him that he didnt really hate Potter. He may have
hated James
Potter once upon a time, but he never hated Lily. If she could see what had
happened to her baby, she would be pleading with him to take care of Harry.
Snape sighed deeply again, looking at the sleeping teen. Regret edged
heavily in his voice as he spoke: Im Im sorry Potter. He closed his eyes; it was torture saying that
out loud, even if no one was awake to hear him. Years of bottled up hate against a dead enemys son were
hard to release, even if it was just into a solitary silence. He opened his eyes again, staring at Potters limp
form and softly added, I really dont hate you I cant hate you because he paused then, before adding
in a tormented voice, barely above a whisper, I loved your mother.
_____________________________________________________________

Harry sighed contentedly and stretched. He felt so warm and safe and for the first time in a long time he
had had a great nights rest. He listened for the sounds of Ron and the others waking up, but heard
nothing. Puzzled, he opened his eyes and saw a room that was definitely not in the Gryffindor house. He
sat up abruptly. Seeing his glasses on a table next to him, he quickly put them on. Then it hit him, the
terrible sick feeling low in his stomach. He was in Snapes office! The previous nights events flooded
back to him, and he shivered with the horror of what had transpired. His eyes darted around the room.
Thankfully, Snape was no where in sight. He tossed back the warm comforter and realized that he wasnt
wearing shoes. He scanned
the floor and found them neatly placed beside the chair that he had slept in. His brow furrowed, did
Snape bother to take off my shoes? The thought was very unsettling, to say the least. He bolted to the
door and up the stairs to his quarters. They were empty when he arrived and for the first time he glanced
at a clock and realized with a sharp intake of air that it was quarter to 11:00am. He had missed Divination
and he was due in Potions in 15 minutes. He took the quickest of showers and changed his clothes. The
thought of going into Potions was too overwhelming to think about. What would Snape do? What would
he say? Harry forced himself to take a few deep breaths to slow his racing heart. A huge knot formed in
his stomach and he closed his eyes for a moment, wondering if he could handle the humiliation.
Dont let the enemy see your weakness, he thought to himself, but then
again it was too late for that as far as Snape was concerned; He had seen him at his most weak and
desperate moments last night. A surge of anger shot
through Harry: How dare Snape make him relive Siriuss death! How dare he
restrain him! How dare he make him spend a night sleeping in his office! But it was the best nights sleep
you had in a long time, the little voice in the
back of his mind said. Still, with this ammunition Snape would make his life a living hell. He would
constantly throw the events of the previous evening back in his face. Potter cried on me, Potter cried on
me In total misery, Harry made his way to potions class.
Harry, Harry! Where have you been? Ron said you didnt sleep in your bed
last night. Where were you? We were so worried. Hermione ran over to him. Are you ok? You look
really pale.
Harry looked at her and opened his mouth to say something, but for a
moment couldnt think of how to explain things. He couldnt tell her and Ron
the truth; he didnt want them to know what had happened because they would be horrified. I, um, I fell
asleep in the library.
Ouch! That couldnt have been very comfortable, teased Ron.
Harry forced himself to smile. No it wasnt; those tables are hard. Hermione looked at him suspiciously.
He walked into potions being very careful to not look to the front of the
room.
When everyone was seated, Snape started in on the lesson.
Today, we will be learning how to make a remedy from the herb that is on your table. Does anyone know
what that herb is?
Hermoines hand shot up, but Snapes focus seemed to be on Harry, who was
staring at the herb very hard.
Potter! Can you tell the class what this is?
Harry cringed; he hadnt expected Snape to target him so quickly and he felt himself break out into a
sweat. Taking a breath, he forced himself to look up
at Snape. The dark eyes were staring at him unblinkingly.
Well Potter, I havent got all day! He snapped, impatiently moving closer.

I dont know.
Didnt you do your homework last night? Snape threw at him, now standing
in front of his table.
No, I wasnt feeling well. Harry responded, his heart racing with the certainty that Snape would now
reveal what happened in front of the entire class.
I see. Are you feeling better now? he asked with a raised brow.
Harry nodded miserably.
Good. Then hopefully youll be able to remember that this is Chamomile.
Snape reached down, picked up a leaf and held it up, continuing with the
lesson. Combined with red clover, it is good for curing a nervous stomach
and helps to overcome shock.
He walked back to the front of the classroom. Take out your cauldrons
and make this remedy. The instructions are on the board. He glared at Neville. Longbottom, I trust that
you remembered to bring your cauldron this time?
Neville nodded, pulling it out from under the desk.
I know it will be virtually impossible, but do try not to melt it this
time. Snape inwardly fumed. He wanted someone to pick on and couldnt quite
make up his mind whether or not to target Potter. After last night, he seemed too vulnerable; it would have
felt like kicking a puppy. He was hoping instead for some cocky, arrogant move on his part this morning,
but instead Potter came in looking annoyingly humble. He barely made eye contact. Then it dawned on
him: he was embarrassed! James Potter had certainly never been embarrassed. Unlike Snape himself, who
had perpetually been embarrassed and humiliated at school. How ironic that Potters son, at this moment,
felt the same way.
His thoughts were interrupted when Malfoys voice vented the air. Hey Potty, you should make some of
this potion for yourself, youll need it. Draco laughed maliciously.
Snapes gaze snapped to Potter. Harry looked up at Snape, his eyes flashing dangerously with anger. He
thrust his chin out and grabbed his books and
cauldron and stormed towards the door.
Potter, get back to your seat! Snape commanded sternly. Malfoy and some of
the Slytherins started laughing. Potter get back here or 50 points off of
Gryffindor!!!
Potter went out the door, slamming it loudly behind him. Snape tore after
him. Class, keep working on your potions! I expect them to be finished when I return! he added in a
menacing tone.
Oooo, Pottys really in trouble. Malfoy cackled with glee as Snape went out the door.
Snape sprinted down the hall, catching Potter by the scruff of the neck. What is the meaning of this? You
do not have permission to just get up and
leave whenever the whim hits you! You are just like your father, thinking that you can do whatever you
want when you want to do it! Snape snarled at him.
Harry turned furiously. Im not my father! Get over it!!! If anyone is like my father, its YOU! You hate
him because he humiliated you, yet you turn
around and continuously do the same thing! I never did anything to you, at
least not on purpose, and you, Harry stopped to take a deep breath, you
take one of the worst nights of my life and you relate it to someone like Malfoy who will use it to
humiliate me over and over again. Well I guess that you are enjoying yourself. Well done!

Snape, who was still gripping Harrys collar, gave him a shake. Listen and
listen to me good, Snape said in a low growl. I did not, nor do I intend
to tell anyone, aside from Dumbledore, the occurrences of last night.
Snapes dark eyes bore into Harrys green ones as Harry struggled to find his voice. But he said
You and I both know that Mr. Malfoy runs off at the mouth. He has teased you about various things over
the years. He was just trying to get a rise out of you, and obviously he has succeeded admirably.
Harry, not breaking eye contact with Snape, shook his head. So if it is just
teasing, why did you hate my father so much? Didnt he just tease you? What they did was no different
than what you do and what you encourage others to do!
Snapes hand at his neck shook slightly. Harry wasnt sure whether it was from extreme anger at his
words or if it was because he had hit a nerve.
He growled again. I dont encourage that behavior in anyone!
Harry challenged him. Of course you do! You never deduct points from anyone
in Slytherin. They can threaten and humiliate and treat everyone else like their feelings dont matter. Ive
seen you smile and laugh when Draco does it. What my father did to you was wrong, but that doesnt give
you the right to enjoy it when others do it!
You dont understand the situation, Snape said menacingly.
I guess not! Harry finally shook off Snapes hand. Just leave me alone and stay away from me! He
started walking down the hall when Snapes voice came
after him. You are to be in my office on Friday at 7:00pm. Do not be late!
Harry stormed off to the Gryffindor Rooms not bothering to answer or look back.
Snape felt like a wall of fire was creeping up his skin. He was furious! How
dare Potter tell him how he should act! Potter didnt have a clue about anything! He walked back into his
classroom, slamming the door loudly behind
him, making all the students jump. Longbottom dropped his ladle full of potion onto the floor, causing
Snape to throw him a piercing dark look that made him scramble to the floor to clean it up.
He proceeded to move from student to student, finding fault with every potion. Ms. Grangers was, as
usual, perfect, but he sneered at it, implying that the color was slightly off. She snorted in anger at him
and he took five points off of Gryffindor for it. It pleased him to annoy her; she was, after all, Potters
friend.
Clean up your areas and when you are done you are dismissed!
The students scrambled to finish and left rather quickly, sensing that he was
in a fouler mood than usual.
The only ones left were Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle.
Whats taking you three so long?
Draco answered, Im brewing up something that will shake up this school.
What? Snape asked in a suspicious tone, making his way over to the cauldron.
Crabbe and Goyle backed away and left the room in a hurry.
Cowards, sniffed Draco.
He looked at Snape with malevolent glee. Ive mixed some Belladonna and

foxglove with an infusion of arsenicum. All that needs to be done is to slip

some of it into Potter and Dumbledores drinks and well be rid of them and
the death eaters and the Dark Lord can take over the school and then we...
Draco never had a chance to finish his sentence because something snapped inside of Snape. His anger
over Potters words combined with a horror over what he was hearing. A blind fury possessed him; he
roughly pulled Draco away from the cauldron and backhanded him hard, knocking him into the wall.
Are you insane!!! You stupid little boy! Where did you get the ingredients?
Did you break into my locked cupboard? He shouted at Draco, who lay crumpled against the wall, blood
from his bleeding lip trickling down his chin. His eyes were wide with shock and anguish.
Snape, with a feeling akin to having a bucket of ice water splashed over him, froze. He suddenly realized
what he had done; he had hit a student and it had been Draco of all students. Draco, who had always been
his favorite. Shocked by his own actions, he dropped down on the floor beside him.
He sighed deeply, regret heavy in his voice. I didnt mean to hit youbut
what you have done He reached for Dracos arm to help him up but Draco
pulled back.
Why? Draco asked hoarsely. Of all the people here at Hogwarts, youre the one who knows. I trusted
you! Draco said haltingly. He bent his head to take a ragged breath. How could you do this. He
scrambled to his feet. Snape grabbed his arm, causing Draco to look up at him, his gray eyes full of
disillusionment and accusation. You are the only person in the world His
voice faded as his head dropped and he focused on the floor.
Snapes heart gave a painful jump, Here let me see. He gently gripped Dracos pointed chin, lifting his
face. He gingerly touched the jaw, noting
the red mark his hand had left on Dracos pale skin. His lip had split at one corner, but it had stopped
bleeding. The straight blond hair, so much like
Lucius, had fallen over Dracos eyes. A single tear worked its way down his cheek, but with a snort of
disgust he quickly wiped it away.
Snape shook his head and said quietly. Ill get a potion that will help hide the bruise. Then, staring at
the boy, he added, Draco, we have to talk about this.
Draco pulled his arm out of Snapes grasp and tore out of the room. Snape let him go. Numbly, he
collapsed into his chair, his eyes closed.
Why hadnt he just stayed in bed for the last two days. First the disturbing
revelations about Potter last night. Now he had taken away the last tiny shred of trust that Draco Malfoy
possessed, and with it likely his only
chance of saving him from becoming a death eater.
Potter was right, although Snape would rather have died than admit it. He
always turned a blind eye and ear to Malfoys antics. He did it out of fondness for Draco and because he
knew of the hellish life the boy suffered and the likely fate of a life in hell that awaited him. He suspected
Draco
would blindly strive for the darkness that Voldemort offered in the endless
hope of impressing his father.
Lucius had been Snapes sole ally in school, the one who had sided with him against the Potter gang.
From that, a friendship had grown. He was there when
Lucius had married. He had known Draco practically from the day he was born. Sadly, he had also
witnessed the increasing coldness and harsh demands Lucius placed on his son. Even though Draco was
given every material possession a pampered prince could hope for, there was never any love. As Draco
grew older, Lucius grew more violent and Draco had latched onto Snape, correctly sensing someone who
cared for him. Snape never knew exactly how bad things had become until late into the summer after
Dracos first year when the boy had ended up in his office at Hogswarts, bruised and bleeding. His words
still burned in Snapes soul. I had no one but you to turn too. Snape had been horrified to see Dracos

back in shreds where Lucius, after an intense argument, had whipped him for losing out to Granger and
Potter and, most importantly, for not stopping Potter from thwarting Voldemort. Snape had hidden him in
his office and with various potions had helped him to recover in time for the start of classes. He had
marveled at how tough Draco had been. He never once cried or whimpered when the potions were
applied, even though Snape knew they burned like fire. He remembered back to year 3, when Draco faked
his arm injury long after it had healed in order to avoid another Quidditch match with Potter it was
obvious he was terrified not only of losing again but also the consequences that came with it. Draco had
such few real pleasures in life that when he teased Potter or the others, Snape let him. Sometimes, the
bitterness in life made him lash out in the same way. He hadnt realized until today how serious the
situation had gotten. In Dracos never-ending attempt to please Lucius, he had concocted the plan to kill
both Dumbledore and Potter.
Having come from a violent home himself, Snape knew of the faade Draco put on and he knew how
tempting the powerful allure of the dark side was. He wanted to be for Draco what Dumbledore had been
for him: A savior in the dark void of emptiness. Someone to give him a purpose and salvation, someone
who cared and worried about him, someone who cared whether he lived or died. He sighed deeply. He
honestly cared about the boy and he did not want to see him become a death eater and a slave to
Voldemort. He would have to find a way to regain his trust.
He decided to give Draco the rest of the day to calm down and then he would seek him out and force him
to listen.
He sat back, thinking about how different Malfoy and Potter were; yet both,
unbeknownst to the other, had suffered so much misery in their young lives.
Potter had somehow risen above it, staying pure of heart while Draco, like
himself, had turned to darkness and bitterness.
_____________________________________________________________________________
It was a cold night as Harry made his way down to Snapes office. His anger hadnt abated and the dread
just kept growing to a point where he could hardly breathe by the time he got to Snapes door.
He knocked on it hesitantly, wishing fervently that Snape was sick or had
forgotten, or was away. But the cold Come in he heard from behind the door dashed his meager hopes.
He stepped inside. It had been a full day since he and Snape had had the
confrontation in the hallway. Harry had been very grateful that there had
been no potions class today. Having to face Snape once today was more than
enough.
Snape glared at him, but Harry expected no less.
Potter, before we start, I want you to sit down and breathe deeply. Try to clear your mind. I dont want
any repeats of last time. You need to learn this quickly before the Dark Lord strikes again.
What do you care, sprinted through Harrys mind. He, however, followed Snapes instructions. After all,
he, even more than Snape, did not want a repeat of last time. Once was humiliating enough.
Snape watched as Potter sat in the chair closing his eyes and obviously concentrating. He was surprised
he had obeyed so quickly. He had fully expected an argument and the usual arrogant I-know-better-lip
from him. It helped his mood, somewhat. He was very worried about Draco and what he was up to, and
he was also still angry at Potters words in the hallway. He had to resist the desire to grab Potter and
shake him.
Harry opened his eyes and glared at Snape.
Ready? Get up then, Snape said in a quiet, controlled voice.
On the count of three: one, two, three. Legilimens!
At first nothing happened, images flashed through his mind, blurry images he

couldnt make out. Harry closed his eyes and concentrated on wiping out the
images, making them blank. He could hear his breathing becoming labored and felt his body being
engulfed in a cold sweat. Then he realized the spell had
ended and he shakily grasped the edge of the chair. He looked up searchingly into Snapes eyes. For a
second, he thought he had actually seen a real smile
flicker across Snapes face, but then the dark scowl crossed over his features again.
That was a bit better, Potter, Snape grudgingly admitted.
Harry snorted in anger. Why cant you just give credit when its warranted?
You are always so quick so insult and criticize but so reluctant to say Job
well done.
Snape gritted his teeth. When I believe you have done an admirable job I will say so. Im not so
dimwitted to jump on the Prince Potters bandwagon until I see ample evidence to do so. What just
happened was a tiny improvement, but unless it progresses, it is virtually insignificant. I gave you time to
prepare yourself in circumstances that were calm. If it were the Dark Lord, he would not be that
considerate. Should we put it to the test?
Harry, feeling rather confident at the moment, nodded.
Are you sure now? Snape asked in his calm, deadly voice. Because you may witness Cedric dying
again, or perhaps your parents coming out of the Dark
Lords wand, or even Sirius falling through the veil.
Something clenched Harrys heart and anger overwhelmed him. STOP IT! Stop
trying to dredge up all the horrible things that have happened to me! You are a miserable He never got
to finish because Snape spit out Legilimens.
Instantly, Harry relived seeing himself as the snake practically killing Mr.
Weasley, blood spurting out, an unbearable pain in his head. He doubled over
and threw up.
Snape instantly ended the spell and waved his wand, making the mess disappear.
Harry found himself covered in an icy sweat on the floor. Miserably, he sat
up and curled his knees to his chest. His head sank as he shivered and his stomach cramped up. Snape had
been right. He was no further ahead. He felt something smooth and cool by his cheek. Harry?. He
opened his eyes to see Snape holding a bottle by his face. He took it and downed it, knowing that it would
settle his stomach. Handing it back to Snape, he bitterly asked while furiously blinking back tears, Are
you happy now? Cant wait to tell Malfoy you were right?
An odd look crossed Snapes features as he sat down beside him. Do you think that seeing you fail at
this over and over again, makes me happy? Im teaching you this for you and your safety. Im certainly
not doing this to amuse myself. He then added with a dangerous note in his voice, As for Draco, are
you deaf Potter, or do you just have a short memory? I already told you that what happens here will only
go as far as Dumbledores ears.
Harrys head dropped to his knees again as he took a couple of deep breaths,
waiting for the potion to kick in. It puzzled Snape how Potter could be so arrogant as to make his blood
boil one moment and then the next look so vulnerable that he actually felt a stab of pity for him. He shook
his head; it was time to focus on moving this process forward.
Thats enough now, Potter. Can you stand up?
Harry nodded, albeit still feeling a bit queasy.
Come over here to my desk and take a seat, Snape ordered.
With a sigh, Harry sat down across from Snape.

Snapes hand rubbed his chin as he contemplated Potter. Who do you trust the most?
Harry, reluctant to answer, swallowed hard, his heart beating frantically.
Is it that too hard of a question? Snape probed.
Why do you want to know? Harry asked suspiciously.
Dont be so paranoid, Potter. I only want to know because I want you to talk
to someone who you feel you can trust, Snape responded, his dark eyes narrowing.
Ron and Hermione, I guess, Harry answered tentatively.
Snape immediately shook his head. No, I mean an adult.
A well of emotion overtook Harry as he thought of Sirius, but he fought it
down. Lupin, I suppose.
Lupin. Hell do. We cant continue like this. Its too draining on you, and we arent accomplishing much.
I want you to talk to Lupin about everything your parents, your time with your aunt and uncle, Diggorys death, the Dark
Lords possession of you and, he hesitated briefly, and Sirius death. You
are so full of pain and guilt and that makes you easy prey. You havent dealt
with any of this properly; youve just hidden it barely under the surface. We
cannot continue until you have come to terms with these events.
Harry looked up with fury in his eyes. Come to terms with it!!! Sirius died
because YOU kicked me out of Occlumency, because you didnt go to Sirius and
keep him at Grimmauld place because he stopped, breathing heavily, unable to continue.
Anger flitted through Snapes gaze briefly then he closed his eyes for a
moment to calm himself. I see. So the reason that you are now unable to
function properly is my fault? He peered into Potters face. Tell me, then,
Potter, am I the one who broke a confidence and looked into your pensieve? Am I the one who didnt
apologize for my actions? Perhaps all it would have taken would have been two words, Im sorry, for
Occlumency lessons to have
continued. Am I the one who snuck into Umbridges office and got caught? Am
I the one who didnt go to a professor and tell them what vision I had had so it could have been verified?
Was it because of me that Sirius ended up at the Ministry of Magic?
Potters face crumbled, with a small sob he leapt up and headed for the door. Snape got there ahead of him,
effectively blocking his exit.
Calm down. I didnt say all that to hurt you further, but you need to face the fact that you, too, have
made mistakes. Everyone in their lifetime makes mistakes. Actions have consequences, and in your case
they were deadly. That does not mean that you are solely responsible. Sirius made mistakes, Dumbledore
made mistakes, and yes, I let old wounds and pride overtake me. So if we, as adults, still make mistakes,
you, basically still a child, need not shoulder the blame yourself. He hesitated for a moment, then
remembered Dumbledores words. Swallowing heavily, he tentatively reached out and gave Potters
shoulder a quick, what he hoped was reassuring, squeeze. Im going to give you some dreamless sleep
potion for tonight. Get some rest and come back tomorrow at 2:00pm.
He moved over to his potions, but hearing the door open he realized that Potter had left. Shaking his head,
exasperated, he grabbed the bottle and went after him.
Harry tore down the hallway. Snape had touched a raw nerve - he knew it
wasnt really Snapes fault just like he knew that he alone was to blame for
Sirius death. He just didnt know what to do. He didnt want to talk to Lupin about this. It was bad
enough that Snape regularly saw him at his worst; he didnt want Lupin, who had been his father and

godfathers best friend, to see him like that as well. He didnt want to talk to anyone about how he felt. It
wouldnt matter; no one could take away that hollow void and the gnawing pain that threatened to
overwhelm him. Harry wanted nothing more than to be in the safety of his dorm when he rounded the
corner and collided with Malfoy.
Potty! Whats up with you? Is there a Dementor on your tail? Malfoy snarled
viciously. He pulled out his wand. Because of you, my father is in Azkaban. Its time that you paid for
that! He lifted his wand and pointed it just as Harry tried to grab for his own wand.
Cruc Draco never completed the word as Snape knocked him sideways. The
fury emanating from Snape was palatable. Harry swallowed heavily, as he was
sure it was directed at him for leaving his office without permission. Luckily, Snape, in his hurry to get to
him, had accidentally bumped into
Malfoy.
Snape actually trembled with his anger. He held a shaky hand out to Potter and snarled, You forgot
something. Harry took the potion without a word, and ran as fast as he could back to the Gryffindor
tower. As he walked up the stairs, it suddenly occurred to him that at one point during the night, Snape
had accidentally called him Harry. It was a puzzling memory.
Meanwhile Snape, in a cloak of fury, turned to Draco.