PARENTING

with

Love & Limits

By Remy Diederich
Cedarbrook Church

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Parenting with Love & Limits
By Remy Diederich
Copyright 2007, All rights reserved

Parenting is deceptive. Before I was a parent I was so naïve. I thought that all I have to do was
love my kids and not do all the stupid things that my parents did and I’d be “good”. But was I
ever wrong! In fact, children have no idea how intimidated most parents are of their task of
parenting. I don’t think there is any more daunting responsibility that a person can have than to
raise a child to become a mature responsible adult. I mean, after all, we’re not always so sure that
we are mature responsible adults! So how can we raise someone to be something we aren’t!

And the problem isn’t just what to teach your child but how to keep your child from being
influenced by the wrong things. It’s not like when everyone lived on a farm with no TV or
internet or cell phones. Parents have to contend with the pervasive influence of both media and
peer pressure.

Brian Swimme is a sociologist and he said that today’s greatest teacher is not the parent or the
church or even the school but … advertisements. He said the television is where a child’s world
view is shaped. This is where they come to understand what life is all about - where their
“reality” is developed – which is a pretty scary thought. And the reason he thinks this is because
before a child enters first-grade they will have soaked in 30,000 advertisements. He says,
"The time our teenagers spend absorbing ads is more than their total stay in high school."

And then he makes this comparison…

"When one compares the pitiful efforts we employ for moral development with the colossal
energies we pour into advertising, it's like comparing a high school football game with
World War II. Nothing that happens in one hour on Sunday makes the slightest dent in the
strategic bombing that takes place day and night 52 weeks a year." National Catholic
Reporter, 12-17-04

Well, that makes you feel pretty hopeless as a parent, doesn’t it? I mean how can you compete
with that kind of overwhelming, sophisticated, outside influence? And if not the media, then what
about the influence of your child’s friends? One survey found that only 25% of parents felt that
they have greater influence on their children than their children’s friends do.

But here’s the good news…that same survey showed that these parents were wrong. The
researchers said…
Most teens reported that they think highly of their parents, want to be like them, and enjoy
spending time with them. Child Trends 12-8-04.
Kids just have a little trouble showing how much they enjoy being with their parents!

So the church may not have much influence with only an hour on Sunday – or maybe another
hour on Wednesday for youth group, but parents – in most cases – are with their child every day
of the week.

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My point here is that if you are a parent you have the potential of being the greatest influence on
your child. Not the media. Not their friends. But you. So don’t give up! And don’t forget that
God designed parents to be the greatest influence in their child’s life. You know, God could
have held onto the reigns of creating people but he didn’t. God chose to share that privilege and
responsibility with us.

Think about that. Why would God give us the responsibility of creating and raising children if we
weren’t capable of doing it and doing it well? In fact, the parent/child relationship is so important
to God that God put parenting in the top five of the ten commandments…
"Honor your father and your mother so that you will live a long time in the land that the
Lord your God is going to give you. Exodus 20:12.

I can’t think of a better endorsement for your parenting, can you? God himself speaks to every
child and says “Listen to your parents. Let them influence you”. You see, God’s got your back in
this! So parents, I’m here to tell you to not give up.

Now I want to help you today by giving you a goal to shoot at and some ideas about how to
accomplish that goal.

The Goal: Character

So first, what’s the goal of parenting? What is the target parents are shooting at? You could
probably state it many ways but here’s my attempt: The goal of a parent is to raise children to
become mature, responsible adults who honor God and contribute to society in positive ways.
That’s our target. And to create that kind of person requires developing their character. So the job
of the parent is to develop character in their child.

In the book Boundaries with Kids, Henry Cloud and John Townshend define character as having
the ability to do six things:
1. Recover from distressing emotional states
2. Delay gratification and take responsibility for problems and assigned tasks
3. Lose well, grieve fully and let go of hurts and losses.
4. Identify, admit and confess wrong.
5. Change behavior
6. Forgive others. Page 32.

This is a picture of a mature person with character. But if that’s the goal, then how does a parent
go about achieving that goal? How do you take a child…fresh out of the womb and work with
them for 18 years to produce a mature, responsible adult who honors God and contributes to
society in positive ways?

The Method: Love with Limits

Well, as my sermon title suggests, it comes from a good balance of love and limits. You might
visualize it like this…parenting is a balancing act between love and limits.

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 LIMITS
LOVE

Although, once I named this sermon I decided I didn’t like it because it implies that limits are the
opposite of love. But that’s not true. To the contrary, we limit our children because we love
them. So, maybe it should look like this…love is a balancing act between affirmation and limits.
They are both an expression of love.

LIMITS
AFFIRMATION

LOVE

But finding a balance is hard. In my parents’ generation they were big on limits and light on
affirmation. In fact, spanking was so accepted that they even did it in school. Then in the 60’s
and 70’s kids grew up and rebelled against those limits. They were known as the “love”
generation. And as they became parents they were big on affirmation and light on limits which
created its own set of problems. One pastor noted…
These days parents make birthday celebrations into Broadway productions and honor pre-
school graduations with floats and marching bands. Many parents think that if they pour
on the love, that will somehow make up for their failure to set limits. — Bill Hybels

Well, because I see that our culture is light on limits right now I’m going to focus on how to bring
limits back into the picture. You see, we’ve got to lose the idea that limiting our children is a bad
thing. Just because kids complain about limits…and parents feel guilty imposing limits…that
doesn’t mean limits are bad. Limits are a good thing if they are done in love and balanced with
affirmation. One psychologist said,
"Children need limits on their behavior because they feel better and more secure when they
live within a certain structure." Laurence Steinberg, Newsweek. The Power of “No”,
Newsweek, 9/27/04

They feel better and more secure. Parents, you have to believe that if you want to parent well.
Children may fight you about going to bed at a certain time each night. They may fight you about
coming to supper at a certain time or coming home at a certain hour…but whether they realize it
or not they like having that structure. Why? Because they like knowing that someone is watching
over them and caring for them. And they actually like the excuse to say at times, “I can’t. My
parents won’t let me.” And so we do them a great disservice by backing down and yielding to
their complaints.

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I like what one person said in a letter to the editor of Newsweek as they responded to an article on
parenting…
"One of the greatest gifts parents can give their child is that of setting limits and creating
opportunities to feel disappointment that then can be dealt with in a healthy way." The
Power of “No”, Newsweek, 9/27/04

Did you get that? Setting limits for your child is providing them an “opportunity to feel
disappointment”. That’s excellent. The next time you tell your child “no” and they complain,
just tell them that you are simply training them how to handle disappointment in a healthy way!
That sounds funny but it’s really true.

Has anyone been disappointed with life this week? Of course, we’ve all been disappointed this
week because life is full of disappointments. One of the ways we prepare our children for those
disappointments is by not giving them everything that they want. We strategically disappoint
them by imposing limits. And by doing that, not only are they prepared for life’s disappoints but
they are prepared for when other people, including God, disappoint them by saying “no, you can’t
do that”.

And so as parents we have to be relentless in our commitment to developing mature, responsible

adults who honor God and contribute to society in positive ways and not give up.

The Parenting Tool: Boundaries

Okay, now I want to narrow my focus here and get more specific in regard to limits. Let me
introduce what might be a new term for some of us and that is the word “boundaries”.
Boundaries are a specific tool that we use to create limits in the life of children. Boundaries are
the result of rules with consequences.
Rules + Consequences = Boundaries

In the book, Boundaries with Kids, it says that children are not born with boundaries…it’s the job
of the parent to impose external boundaries until the child is able to embrace the boundary
internally – that is – they own it for themselves.

Maybe the easiest way to describe boundaries and their benefit is to compare it to a soccer game.
Imagine that there is a bunch of kids and you throw them a soccer ball and tell them to “Go play
soccer”. Now, if they’ve never heard of soccer, that’s going to cause them some problems. And
that might cause you a few problems as well.

You might come back in an hour and find that they are using the ball to break windows. You get
all mad at them but it would have helped if you told them what soccer is. Showed them a soccer
field and its boundaries. Showed them the goals and tell them the rules. By giving soccer some
structure the game suddenly makes sense, they start having fun and the problems go away.

The same is true in a child’s life. A lack of boundaries often frustrates and confuses children and
that can breed resentment and eventually rebellion. But if you bring structure to their lives along
with affirmation, good things can happen.

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You see, boundaries help a child to understand who they are supposed to be and who they are not
supposed to be. It’s like this circle.

Who you want them to be.

Who you don’t Who you don’t
want them to be. want them to be.
Rules, expectations, goals.
Consequences Consequences

Everything inside the circle is who you want your child to be. This includes rules, expectations
and goals for them. And everything outside of it is who you don’t want them to be.
Consequences sit out there waiting to happen should they decide to venture outside the circle.
Consequences help to reinforce who they are and who they are not. So, if you are a parent you
need to decide what you want inside the circle.

For example, let’s say a parent wants their child to be a healthy person. And so rules are
established with appropriate consequences to help them reach that goal: you want them to get
eight hours of sleep, have three healthy meals, brush their teeth and so on.

Eight hours of sleep Pray together

Three healthy meals Consequences Experience church
Brush teeth twice a day together
Exercise Learn to tithe (10%)

Or, another example, you want your child to live a life that honors God so you instill rituals to
that end: prayer, church participation, financial giving, acts of kindness, etc. These are simple
rules or expectations that are put in place to help your child become the person you want them to
be. They are non-negotiable and there are appropriate consequences if the child chooses to go
outside the boundaries.

Now I want to make sure you understand what I mean by consequences. Consequences are not
punishment given out in the heat of anger. Consequences are rational, well thought through
outcomes to crossing a boundary that are best communicated in advance of an offense. If not in
advance then they should be communicated after the offense (after sufficient thought has gone
into it) but not during a confrontation. That’s because it is too easy for the child to attach their
negative feelings to the consequence if it is given in haste or harshness.

If there are no consequences in your parenting then you really haven’t established boundaries,
only suggestions.
Rules + no consequences = Suggestions

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But children don’t need suggestions. Especially in the early years, they need concrete rules and
consequences to help them understand what’s expected of them because they don’t know who
they are until you tell them and reinforce it with boundaries. Isn’t that what God did when he gave
us the Ten Commandments or the Sermon on the Mount? The Bible is full of rules with
consequences that help to shape us to become the people God wants us to be. (And for that matter
all of life has rules with consequences so it’s important that we prepare our children for that.)

And so just like God teaches his people with rules and consequences, parents teach their children
with rules and consequences. Everyone needs to learn that we reap what we sow. Consequences
teach that there is a cost to bad decision making (and there are rewards for good decision making.)
Just like the Bible says…
God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness [Note, holiness is a
character issue]. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however,
it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace [more character issues] for those who
have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:10,11

How to teach boundaries

So, if we want to be the influence on our child that God has called us to be how do we teach
boundaries? Well think of any teaching situation. Who do you learn from best? We learn best
from people who live what they teach. When teachers live what they teach they give their
teaching credibility. But when they don’t live what they teach they undermine their credibility,
don’t they?

I read an advice column a few weeks ago and a single father wrote in asking when it was
appropriate to bring his dates back to the house to spend the night. He wasn’t quite sure what to
tell his children. And the columnist – I can’t remember who it was – wisely said,
“Well, if you want to teach your child that sexual relationships are casual and that they
can engage with different people on a regular basis then you can start bringing your dates
home now. But if you want to teach your child that sex is a special gift reserved for
marriage then you should wait until you are married.

Kids may be young but they aren’t stupid. They can smell out an inconsistency a mile away.
So don’t think you are fooling them. That’s why when Jesus walked the earth he established his
credibility for thirty years before he started teaching. The Bible says…
The Word became a human and lived among us. We saw his glory -- the glory that belongs
to the only Son of the Father -- and he was full of grace and truth. John 1:14

So if you want to be a parent of influence you want to first walk in “grace and truth” as much as
you possibly can. I’m not saying you have to be perfect. That’s not realistic. But I think your
children should at least see that you are trying – that you are doing your best. Let me give you just
a few examples.

One of the biggest credibility busters that kids sniff out is a bad marriage. They look at you and
think, “Who are you to tell me what to do when you two can’t even talk to each other without

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fighting.” I’m convinced that a lot of rebellion comes from children that are angry about their
parent’s poor marriage.

So parents, one of the best things you can do to influence your child is to work on your marriage.
If that means reading a book together or seeing a marriage counselor or attending a marriage
retreat, do what you need to do to address your marital issues. Even if your marriage isn’t perfect,
just the fact that you are working on it gives them hope and models character development for
them.

But there are other ways we undermine our credibility as parents. Let me ask you a few
questions…
• If you want your child to be responsible, are you responsible?
• Can they count on you to follow through on your commitments?
• Or do you leave them wondering what happened to you?
• Are you available to talk or play with them or help them with homework or do you waste
countless hours on the internet or playing video games?

One time Lisa and I had gone to the Cities to visit some relatives and we told our kids that we’d
be back by 10pm. We ended up not leaving until 10pm meaning that we wouldn’t make it back
home until 11:30pm. It dawned on me that if one of our kids showed up an hour and a half late
I’d be pretty mad. I don’t know why it never struck me until then but I bet the thought crossed
their minds. So I gave them a call to let them know we’d be late. And I’ve tried to do it ever
since.

Here are some more questions for you.

• If you want your child to respect you, do you respect them?
• If you don’t want to be interrupted while you are speaking, do you interrupt them?
• If you don’t want them to be harsh or rude to you, are you harsh or rude to them?
• If you don’t like them nagging you about things, do you nag them?

For some reason parents often think that they can play by a different set of rules. That - because
they are parents – because they have the power – that they are somehow above the rules and the
rules don’t apply to them. But kids pick up on that and it undermines a parent’s credibility and
influence.

Years ago I had an employee who did something wrong at work. I can remember how careful I
was to correct them, making sure that I didn’t shame or humiliate them. But then God seemed to
tap me on the shoulder and say, “How come you don’t treat your children with the same respect
that you treat your employees when they make mistakes?” That really got my attention.

Finally,
• If you want your children to grow spiritually, do they see you growing spiritually?
• Or do they see you just going through the motions – just doing the bare minimum so you
can claim to be spiritual and fulfill your parental obligation?
• Do they hear you talk about spiritual things?
• Do they see you give generously or serve sacrificially?

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 • Do they see you regularly attending church or do they see you making lame excuses for
why you should stay home?

Kids aren’t dumb. They see through that. So, if they don’t see that God has made a genuine
change in your life then it’s going to be really hard to get them to take God or church seriously.

Parents, I’m not trying to beat you up. But someone’s got to ask the hard questions and I
volunteered! God created you to be the greatest influence in your child’s life but that means you
need to build credibility with your children. You see, parenting starts with the parent. But you
can do it! You can not only develop your own character but you can develop your child’s
character to become that mature person that I’ve been talking about.

Now, I came across a music video by Rodney Adtkins that I want to show you (Watching You).
But before I do that I want to make a few suggestions. First, if you feel like your parenting needs
help, maybe you want to come forward for prayer. Second, I want to invite you to become a part
of a new parenting club. I’m not sure how often it will meet but I’ve put three options on our
feedback form and I’d like you to let me know what interests you.

The idea is that parents would meet either monthly or weekly to discuss a book that we will read
together and then we’d break into small groups based on the age of your child to answer questions
to specific questions that parents have. The idea is to provide some level of coaching to parents
so they don’t feel so alone and when things go wrong, they have a place to turn. So please mark
your interest and put it in the offering.

Next week I’ll talk specifically about how to teach boundaries. Maybe you can invite some
parents that you know could use the help.

Watching You
By Rodney Atkins

Drivin’ through town just my boy and me

With a “Happy Meal” in his booster seat
Knowin’ that he couldn’t have the toy ‘til his nuggets were gone.
A green traffic light turned straight to red
I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath.
His fries went a flyin’, and his orange drink covered his lap
Well, then my 4 year old said a 4 letter word
It started with “S” and I was concerned
So I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to talk like that?”

Chorus:
He said, I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that kool?
I’m your buckaroo, I want to be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
We got cowboy boots and camo pants
Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad
I want to do everything you do.
So I’ve been watching you.

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We got back home and I went to the barn
I bowed my head and I prayed real hard
Said, “Lord, please help me help my stupid self.”
Just this side of bedtime later that night
Turnin’ on my son’s Scooby-doo nightlight.
He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees.
He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands
Spoke to God like he was talkin’ to a friend.
And I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to pray like that?”

Chorus:
He said, I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that kool?
I’m your buckaroo; I want to be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
We like fixin’ things and holding moma’s hand
Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad.
I want to do everything you do; so I’ve been watching you.

With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug.

Said, “My little bear is growin’ up.”
And he said, “But when I’m big I’ll still know what to do.”

Chorus:
‘cause I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that kool?
I’m your buckaroo; I want to be like you.
And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are.
By then I’ll be strong as superman
We’ll be just alike, hey, won’t we dad
When I can do everything you do.
‘cause I’ve been watchin’ you.
hey yeah
uh huh

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The Art of Affirmation
By Remy Diederich
Copyright 2007, all rights reserved.

If I asked you to tell me where I can read about parenting in the Bible, what would you say? Do
you know where the chapters are that talk about parenting? Well, if you find them, let me know!
Because, as far as I can tell, there are no chapters on parenting in the Bible. There are a few
verses here and there, but no chapters1. In fact, I did a search in the Bible for the word “parenting”
and do you know how many responses I got? Zero! That doesn’t mean that you can’t learn
anything from the Bible about parenting. You can. It just means that it’s not obvious. You have
to do some work to pull it together.

So as I’ve studied for my two sermons on parenting the question that I’ve been asking is “Are
there any principles in the Bible or the life of Jesus that are transferable to parenting?” Well, I
think there are. And I’ll get to them in a minute but first, let me give you a brief recap from last
week. (And by the way, if you aren’t a parent, don’t worry because you’ll find that a lot of what I
have to say today relates to relationships in general.)

Now, last week I laid out a model for parenting that looks like this.

Limits
Affirmation

LOVE

Parenting is the ability to love your child with the right balance of affirmation and limits. Last
week I focused on limits. I talked a lot about the importance establishing rules and consequences
which I said were called boundaries. This week I want to focus on affirmation.

Listen to what one of the verses on parenting in the Bible tells us…
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and
instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4

To “exasperate” literally means to stir up or provoke someone but you might just say that to
exasperate means to get in someone’s face and tick them off”. Ever had a parent do that to you? I
have. And I’m afraid I’ve done it to my children as well. I’ve got a video skit that I want you to
see. Let’s watch.

Video Skit: Modesty

The skit involves a 17 year old girl and her conservative father sitting in a counselor’s office.
Through the counselors questioning it becomes clear that the father is upset that his daughter

1
Although a case could be made that the book of Proverbs is a chapter on parenting. But more accurately it’s a book
on wisdom, that is, learning to choose well. It’s not a manual for parents per se.

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wants to wear clothing that he considers provocative. She, on the other hand, just wants to fit in
with her friends. The dad insists that she wear an under –shirt (my wife tells me this is called a
“camy”) to cover her skin and she hates it. In fact, some of her friends wouldn’t even sit with her
at lunch because they thought she looked so nerdy. She compared his need to buy expensive suits
to fit in with his lawyer friends to be on the same level with what she is doing.

After both of them express a lot of pain and frustration the skit ends with no resolution, probably
like a lot of arguments in our homes.

Parents, I want you to see this…if all you do as a parent is set boundaries and dish out
consequences then you are going to exasperate your child. That’s what happened here. And there
was really nowhere to go with this problem, was there? This father and daughter painted
themselves into two corners and it was a lose-lose situation. You want to avoid those at all costs.

You see, what was missing was affirmation. It’s like this equation…

Limits + No Affirmation = EXASPERATION

This is so important to remember. The dad had his boundaries down – he had the rules and
consequences in place – and they were good ones - but he was failing to address his daughter’s
need to be affirmed. And she was between a rock and a hard place because no matter what she
did she was going to lose the acceptance of either her dad or her friends. Not a good place to be.

In the book Boundaries with Kids, the authors make an insightful observation. They say…
A child’s need to belong is more central than his need to be good. If obeying house
boundaries helps him belong, so be it. If rebelling against them brings him attention and
belonging, so be it again. p. 44

What that tells me is that when you find yourself in a lose-lose situation with your child they are
going to naturally choose what makes them feel the most affirmed and valued. If you aren’t
offering any affirmation and value then they will naturally turn to their friends to find it…every
time.

This dad needed to affirm his daughter - not just in the midst of their argument but in the years
leading up to their argument. You see, it’s a lot easier to wear modest clothing when your parents
have consistently affirmed and reaffirmed their love for you. But if you doubt their love… it’s
not worth the risk of losing your friends just to please parents that are more concerned about their
rules than you.

So, the question this week is, How do you affirm your children while maintaining the boundaries
that you have established? Does the Bible help us at all in sorting this out? Well, I think it does.
And specifically I think the life of Jesus helps us. Jesus was never a parent but he treated people
the way parents should treat their children. And so let me tell you six ways to affirm your children
that I find in the ministry of Jesus2. I’m calling this the Art of Affirmation.

2
If you are not a parent, simply apply these insights of affirmation to any important relationship that you have.

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1. Communicate Unconditional Love
The first way to affirm your child is to communicate unconditional love at all times. There is a
great verse in the book of Ephesians where it tells us that…
[God] chose us in [Christ] before the creation of the world… Ephesians 1:4

God chose to love us not only before we were born but before the world was even created. Do
you know what that means? That means that God loved us before we had a chance to do anything
to earn his love. That’s called unconditional love because there are no conditions on why you are
being chosen and loved by God. God loves us in spite of who you are or what you’ve done. And
it‘s that same kind of love that parents need to communicate to their children.

Most parents start out with that kind of love for their child. That first year they change diapers
and get up in the middle of the night to feed them. They just love that baby even though the baby
isn’t doing one thing to earn their parent’s love. But once the baby grows to the age where they
can start to take on some responsibility there is often a shift in the quality of a parent’s love.

Many parents start to use their love to affirm their child when they are obedient – which is fine -
but the sad thing is that they withhold their love to punish their child when they are disobedient.
And that produces very emotionally unhealthy children. Either they knock themselves out trying
to earn their parents love or they reject their parents out of anger for loving them conditionally.

Parents, listen to me on this. The one thing your children HAVE to know is that you love them
unconditionally and that means even when they misbehave. Don’t withhold your love.

So, how do you communicate unconditional love? Well, Jesus communicated his love in three
ways. Through words, through touch and by making eye contact. Let me give you some
examples.

Through Words
Jesus continually affirmed his love for people through his words. When a religious man by the
name of Nicodemus came to Jesus with questions about faith Jesus assured him of God’s
acceptance. He told the man…
For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world
through him. John 3:17.

Jesus used words to let Nicodemus know that God was for him and not against him. In the same
way, children need to hear over and over again how much their parents love them. Don’t leave
them guessing, parents. Give them lots of reasons to be convinced that you love them even when
they are disobedient.

Through Touch
Jesus also used touch to show his love. When two blind men asked Jesus to heal them the Bible
tells us that…
Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their
sight and followed him. Matthew 20:34.

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Jesus could have healed people from a distance but I think he chose to touch people because it
communicated his love so powerfully.

But what do parents typically do when they get mad at their child? They distance themselves and
often send them to their room. Instead of drawing close to them and touching them they do just
the opposite, which sends the message that their child is unlovable in failure.

You know, a simple touch can be so powerful. I was in a doctor’s office a few weeks ago and
when the doctor checked my lungs he put his hand on my shoulder. I wasn’t aware of being
stressed before that but as soon as he touched my shoulder I could feel my body relax and I was
reminded of the power and importance of touch. My life consists of helping other people and so
to have someone touch me – even a stranger - and ask how I was doing – even though I was
paying him to do it - kind of stopped me in my tracks. It felt good! Imagine how good it would
feel coming from a parent. So parents, don’t only simply tell your child how much you love them
but prove it by touching them.

Through eye contact

And then in the Gospel of Mark it tells us how Jesus showed his love for a young rich man by
making eye contact. It says…
Jesus looked at him and loved him. Mark 10:21.

Can you imagine Jesus loving you simply through his look? What do you think that looked like?
Well, that’s the kind of look that parents need to give their children. One parenting expert said
this…
“The more parents make eye contact with their child as a means of expressing their love,
the more a child is nourished with love and the fuller is his emotional tank.” Dr. Ross
Campbell, How to Really Love Your Child, p. 37.

So first, if you want to affirm your child, communicate unconditional love. Pull them close, look
them in the eye and tell them how much they mean to you.

2. Offer Choices
The second way to affirm your child is to offer them choices. I’ve always been impressed with
how Jesus never demanded people to obey him. He simply laid out the options and let them
choose. It’s like with this young man that I just mentioned. He was looking for how to have
eternal life and Jesus said…
"If you want to be complete, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will
have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." When the young man heard this, he went
away sad, because he had great wealth. Matthew 19:21,22.

Jesus didn’t run after him and coerce him or beg him or scold him for walking away. He just let
him go because Jesus knew that the man had to choose for himself. You see, our ability to choose
is what makes us an individual. It’s what makes us distinct from other people. To choose makes
us feel human.

Christian author, Dallas Willard once said…

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“In creating human beings God made them to rule, to reign, to have dominion in a limited sphere.
Only so can they be persons. Any being that has say over nothing at all is no person…They
would be reduced to completely passive observers who count for nothing, who make no
difference.” p. 22 The Divine Conspiracy.

So, if you want to exasperate someone – if you want to really tick them off – then give them no
say in matters, just tell them what to do.

Have you ever had that happen at work? Some edict came down from management and they
never invited your input. They never thought to ask what you or your co-workers thought. How
did that feel? Not good. Right? Then everyone in the office spent the day complaining about
management and how they “just don’t get it”. Well, if you can appreciate how that feels then you
know how children feel when you never give them any choice. You just tell them what to do. It
doesn’t feel any better for them. You see, whenever you give someone a choice you give them a
sense of power – a sense of control – a sense that they make a difference in this world – and that’s
a good thing.

So as a parent, you want to affirm your child by giving them choices. It may not seem like much
to you, but it will mean a lot to them. When they are young you give them simple harmless
choices – choices that are “either/or”, that are between two things that you approve. For example,
don’t ask them “Do you want vegetables tonight?” That choice is too broad. There’s no
boundary there. Ask them, “Would you like carrots or peas tonight?” Or, don’t ask them, “What
time you want to go to bed tonight?” That’s not the kind of choice I’m talking about. You want
to give them choices that empower them but still fit within your boundary. So ask, “Do you want
a story and then brush your teeth or do you want to brush your teeth and then get a story?

Then, as they get older, give them more responsibility in their choice. Instead of buying clothes
for your teenager you might give them the money and a budget and tell them to buy their own
clothes. Just make sure they bring back the change! You see, giving your child choice tells them
that you trust them to make a good decision – that you think they are capable of choosing well –
and that’s affirming. But simply telling them how to live their life is dehumanizing and will
cause them to become resentful.

3. Respond to Mistakes with Empathy, not Disgust

Next, you affirm your child when you respond to their mistakes with empathy and not disgust.
Jesus gave a good example of responding to a situation with empathy. There were three siblings
by the name of Mary, Martha and Lazarus. Lazarus died when Jesus was on a ministry tour and
when Jesus got back home Mary confronted Jesus. She said…
Lord, if you had been h ere, my brother would not have died."
And then it says that…
When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping,
he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. And then it tells us that… Jesus wept. John
11:32-35

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Mary was upset. But Jesus didn’t reprimand her. He didn’t say, “You can’t talk to me like that.
I’m God!” He didn’t tell her to watch her mouth. He identified with her pain so much that he
cried with her.

Now, I’m not saying that you need to cry every time your child has a problem but you don’t have
to jump in and confront them for being wrong either. You first want to let them know that you
understand their pain even if they were at fault. There’s always time later to bring correction.

For example, let’s say your teenager is supposed to have the car home by midnight or the
consequence is that they lose their driving privileges for a week. They get home 30 minutes late
one night and as soon as they come in the door they complain about how they tried to get home
on time but their friends made them stop to go to the bathroom on the way home and then they
ran into some friends and they got talking and lost track of time.

Now, when that happens, you’ve got a choice. You can tell them that you don’t want to hear any
of their lame excuses, demand the car keys back on the spot and tell them how irresponsible they
are. That’s one option. Or you can simply say,
“That’s too bad. I’m sorry your friends weren’t more sensitive to your need to get home.”
And then say “I’m glad you made it home. Good night.”

Now you are sitting there thinking, What, no consequences? Of course there are consequences!
That’s a given. You are just wise enough to not mention them at that time because it will only
provoke a fight. Wait until they go to use the car later in the week. Then simply remind them of
the consequence of coming home late. They’ll probably object but you can calmly remind them
that those are the rules and next time they’ll have to allow for delays. End of discussion. If the
consequences are clearly laid out in advance, you can do that. If they continue to object you can
offer another empathy statement like, “I appreciate your frustration. It’s hard to not have a car.
But those are the rules.”

You see, when you respond to your child’s mistakes with empathy and not disgust you do two
things:
1. You keep the focus on their bad decision-making and not on your inappropriate anger.
This is so important! Parents are always losing their moral authority because they lose
control of their anger and then the child can point the finger at them. Parents often relent
on consequences at this point out of guilt. Don’t play into that trap. Stay cool!
2. You send the message that you still respect and love them even though they made a bad
decision. Getting all mad makes them doubt that.

That’s good parenting because you maintain both the boundary and the relationship.

4. Require Children to Solve Their Problems.

Fourth, you affirm your child when you require them to resolve their problems. There’s a story in
the Bible that tells about a time when thousands of people had come to the country to hear Jesus
speak. And it reads like this…
As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, "This is a remote place, and
it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy

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 themselves some food." Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. You give them
something to eat." Matthew 14:15,16

Jesus is telling them,

“Don’t just come to me with your problems. I want you to take responsibility for this.”

Now, if you know the story, Jesus ultimately provided the food, but he engaged them in the
problem solving process. He helped them to feel the weight of responsibility and let them know
that he was counting on them. By doing that He communicated to them that they were capable of
helping. And we need to do that with our kids as well.

When you jump in and solve your kid’s problems you are telling them that they are in-capable of
doing it themselves. You are telling them that they are powerless and need someone to rescue
them. Instead of helping them you actually hurt them by fostering what people call a “victim”
mentality.

That means that they grow up to see themselves as the helpless victim of every problem. They
become whiny, needy people who are always asking people to save them and… let me tell
you…that won’t make them popular. No one will want to work with them. No one will want to be
married to them. And no one will want to be their friend.

So don’t be afraid to turn your child’s problems back to them and say something like…
“Wow, I’m sorry that happened. What are you going to do to solve that?”

Now, one of the things they might do is to ask for your help…and that’s fine…but don’t own the
problem. Let them own the problem and use you as a resource to help solve their problem.

5. Forgive
Next, you affirm your child when you forgive them. The Gospel of Luke tells a story of a sinful
woman who sat at the feet of Jesus and, as with many people Jesus encountered, he said to her,
"Your sins are forgiven." Luke 7:48. Jesus had a way of helping even the most sinful person to
feel accepted in his presence. Why was that? I think it’s because he never held people’s sins over
their head. He never said he forgave them but then continued to hold a grudge against them or
say things like, “There you go again. You ALWAYS do that.”

When children hear words like that they sense that you’ve given up on them - that they have
fallen out of favor with you and they’ll never gain it back. I think that’s when a lot of kids start to
drift away. When they sense that your forgiveness isn’t real they start to shut down and look for
love in other places. But when you truly forgive your child you are telling them that you won’t let
their past mistakes define who they are. You still love them and still believe in them.

6. Offer Hope
And finally, you affirm your child when you offer them hope. There was another woman who
Jesus forgave. She was about to be stoned by an angry mob of men until Jesus said,
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
After the men all walked away Jesus said to the woman,

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 "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" And she said "No one, sir," Then
Jesus said, "Then neither do I condemn you," "Go now and leave your life of sin." John
8:10,11.

When Jesus told her to leave her life of sin he was telling her that he had hope for her future – that
she wasn’t trapped in her lifestyle of sin but she was capable of so much more. He saw something
in her that she didn’t even see in herself. And that’s what we need to do for our children. It’s like
God told Israel through the prophet Jeremiah…
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to
harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

You see, parents need to be a child’s biggest advocate. They need to be their biggest cheer leader
because if they aren’t there is a good chance that they won’t find any other cheerleaders out there
- at least ones that they can count on over time. And that’s a very lonely place to be.

In the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness Will Smith plays the role of Chris Gardner who struggles
to survive financially and take care of his son at the same time. One day the two of them are out
shooting hoops when Chris gets an understanding of what it means to offer hope to his son.

Movie Clip: The Pursuit of Happyness - chapter 14 at 54:01 to 56:02.

The boy mentions that he wants to “go pro” when he grows up. But Chris tells his son not to get
his hopes up about being any kind of a great basketball player because he never was and his son
just doesn’t have the genes to be any good. The boy looks rejected and stops playing ball. Chris
realizes what he’s done and then tells his son not to let anyone steal his dreams, not even his dad.
If he has dreams he needs to go out and get them.

Parents, you are the biggest cheerleader your child has. You want to be painting pictures of their
future where they can see themselves being successful and serving God. Don’t burst their
bubbles…anyone can do that. Give them a reason to jump out of bed each day because you
believe in them so much.

Well, parenting in love is a balance of affirmation and limits. Finding that balance is hard but you
can do it with God’s help and maybe with the help of a parenting club!

Prayer: Father, thanks for coming in the flesh to model for us how to love each other, especially
our children. For those of us who have failed at parenting help us to find forgiveness and hope.
Thanks that you are OUR biggest cheerleader. And for those that realize that they were not
parented well, help them to forgive their parents and find their affirmation from you. Amen.

*Note: Remy and Lisa will be hosting a parenting club on the first Sunday of the month starting
Sunday, October 7th from 6:00 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. at the Cedarbrook Center. Childcare will be
provided upon request for a fee. Please register in advance.

Resource with free articles: http://www.loveandlogic.com/

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