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Copyright 2011 Catherine Butterfield, Cusi Cram, Michael Elyanow, Mary Gallagher, Laura Jacqmin, Julia Jordan, Matthew Lopez, Scott Organ, Marco Ramirez, and Kyle John Schmidt
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Table of Contents
Airborne
by Laura Jacqmin . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7
Alien Monster Bowling League
by Matthew Lopez . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 17
Backflip
by Catherine Butterfield . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
Baggage Claim
by Julia Jordan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31
Chester, Who Painted the World Purple
by Marco Ramirez . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
A Few More Dumb Propositions
by Michael Elyanow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
The Last Hat
by Kyle John Schmidt . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 61
A Moment Defined
by Cusi Cram . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73
The Mulligan
by Scott Organ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 83
The Perfect Guy
by Mary Gallagher . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 95
Author Biographies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 103
Airborne
by Laura Jacqmin
Cast of Characters
PRIVATE MARGARET JENSEN, a woman. 19 years old. Tiny.
COMMANDING OFFICER, a woman. Older than Jensen, but not by
as much as youd think. Was she Jensens commanding officer?
Is she trapped in a dream of reliving this moment?
MEN, at least three. Maybe more. Silent. Must be physically strong,
and larger than Jensen.
Setting
Maybe a black cube, and nothing else. Or maybe nothing at all.
Notes
In regards to staging, the stage directions in the text are open to
interpretation. Previous productions have used a cube and fans; a
long length of cloth coupled with precise choreography that ended
with the men hoisting Jensen just as she hit the ground; or, just
the actors themselves. The exploration of how Jensens fall can be
physicalized is encouraged. However, the actress playing Jensen
shouldnt actually flythat is, no harness or wire flying should
be utilized. The point is that the fall is created in the minds of the
audience: dont make it easy on them by literally recreating it.
The characters are all members of the military, but full-on military
costuming is not required.
Acknowledgments
Airborne received its New York City premiere production at The Ensemble Studio Theatre in its Marathon of One-Act Plays 2010. The
play was directed by Dan Bonnell and the cast was as follows:
PRIVATE MARGARET JENSEN. . . . . . . . . . Megan Tusing
COMMANDING OFFICER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Amy Staats
MEN. . . . . . . Brynne Morris, Ed Boroevich, and W. Tre Davis
Airborne received its premiere production in the CuDCs 2009 Source
Festival, Washington, D.C. The play was directed by Rahaleh Nassri
and the cast was as follows:
PRIVATE MARGARET JENSEN. . . . . . . . . . Brynn Tucker
COMMANDING OFFICER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Clay Teunis
All production groups performing this play are required to include
the following credits on the title page of every program:
Airborne received its New York City premiere production
at The Ensemble Studio Theatre in its Marathon of OneAct Plays 2010.
Airborne
by Laura Jacqmin
C.O. Private Margaret Jensen, prepare for your jump.
(JENSEN mounts a block, her arms at her shoulders like she is
gripping a backpack, then out at her sides, as though holding onto
the exit door of a plane. She looks down at the ground below her.)
(A cluster of MEN appears on all sides of her, holding tiny batterypowered handheld fans. They turn on the fans full-force, pointing
at her face. The wind whistles through her hair.)
Private Jensen, on the count of three, you will jump out of the plane.
You will wait one second, then pull your chute.
Your chute will take you sideways, then back.
And youll descend to earth, light as a feather.
Private Jensen, are you prepared?
JENSEN. Sir yes sir!
C.O. One.
Two.
Three!
(JENSEN jumps. Her arms out for a second, like she is flying.)
Then, disaster.
The chutes are designed for much heavier recruits. Private Margaret
Jensen, youre only a little over one hundred pounds.
You are whipped one direction, towards the fuselage. This is the
way its supposed to happen.
Then you are whipped the other direction, back towards your original drop. This, too, is the way its supposed to happen.
But your chute gets tangled in itself. Thats not supposed to happen.
And suddenly, in the space of a second, Private Margaret Jensen,
you are descending to the earth, light as a feather
Head first.
(JENSEN is whipped to the left. Then, to the right. Her chute is
tangled.)
(She repositions herself on the block, now falling headfirst. The
MEN redirect their fans so that they are blowing above her, down
into her face.)
Private Jensen, what are you thinking in this moment?
JENSEN. Im thinkingI should have eaten the cake.
11
12 Laura Jacqmin
JENSEN. The cake the Army gives us at every meal, I should have
eaten it to gain weight.
The wind in my face.
Im going down so slowly.
Why am I going down so slowly?
C.O. Your chute is still functioning perfectly.
It only feels slow. Therell be no sudden drop. Youll coast on the wind.
(Beat.)
Try to pull yourself up.
Right now! Pull yourself up! If you land on your back, therell be
something to work with. If you land on your back, therell be options.
Just dont land on your head, Private Jensen.
Pull yourself up!
(JENSEN struggles to pull herself up. She is unsuccessful.)
JENSEN. I cant.
The chute.
Its tangled.
My feet
I cant.
C.O. Call for help.
JENSEN. HELP ME.
(Silence.)
I can seeI can see the other guys from Airborne. Theyre going
down all around me.
Theyre looking at me.
C.O. Whats on their faces? What are they thinking?
JENSEN. I think they would help me, if they could. I think they
would.
I see the guy from Mundelein County He was in my Basic unit.
He called me a cunt. He made fun of me when I had to carry my
tampons on the Victory Forge march.
He called me
I can see his face. Even from far away, I can see his face and he can
see mine and
(JENSEN is breathing more quickly.)
C.O. What are you thinking, Private Jensen?
JENSEN. Im thinking about Gustavus Adolphus College in St. Peter,
Minnesota.
I was supposed to go. I was all set to go.
Airborne
13
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17
Cast of Characters
HUBBARD, a monster
SALLY, a monster
NELSON, an alien
Acknowledgments
Alien Monster Bowling League was commissioned by and premiered
at Ars Nova (Jason Eagan, Artistic Director; Jeremy Blocker, Managing Director) as part of THE WII PLAYS, a collection of short plays
by the Ars Nova Play Group, opening February 1st, 2011, with the
following cast and crew:
SALLY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Donnetta Lavinia Grays
HUBBARD. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Andrew Garman
NELSON. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Zach Shaffer
Director. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Laura Savia
ighting Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Grant Yeager
L
Production Design . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dan Scully
Sound Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jorge Muelle
Costume Design . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tilly Grimes
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Matthew Lopez
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Matthew Lopez
23
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Backflip
by Catherine Butterfield
25
Cast of Characters
PHILLIP
PSYCHIATRIST
Acknowledgments
The Backflip had its World Premiere at the Egyptian Arena Theatre
in Los Angeles in 1993, and featured the following cast:
PHILLIP . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Robert Barry Fleming
PSYCHIATRIST. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Monica Horan
Authors Note
You need an actor who can do a backflip.
26
The Backflip
by Catherine Butterfield
(PHILLIP sits in a wing chair facing a PSYCHIATRIST. He tilts
his head, listening to something. [Note: Phillip can be Phyllis, if
desired.])
PHILLIP. For instance, now its getting quieter.
PSYCHIATRIST. Quieter?
PHILLIP. A moment ago you could hear a great deal of conversation, a kind of buzz.
PSYCHIATRIST. And now?
PHILLIP. And now nothing. Or almost nothing. A kind of settling
down. A cough. (Actor may comment on whatever else is happening in
the audience.)
PSYCHIATRIST. Anything else?
PHILLIP. A sense of slight confusion. And expectation.
PSYCHIATRIST. Expectation.
PHILLIP. Yes. I feel as though as though Im being watched carefully.
PSYCHIATRIST. Ah, thats interesting. And who is watching you?
PHILLIP. I dont know.
PSYCHIATRIST. Does this happen frequently? The sense of being
watched?
PHILLIP. Its an operative part of my day to day existence.
PSYCHIATRIST. Meaning?
PHILLIP. Meaning its constant. Constantly watched. Constantly
observed.
PSYCHIATRIST. Exposed?
PHILLIP. I suppose.
PSYCHIATRIST. Can you see them? These observers.
PHILLIP. No. But they can see me.
PSYCHIATRIST. And if you turn off the light? (PHILLIP frowns
slightly.) Why dont you turn out the light?
(PHILLIP reaches out and turns off the light on the table next to
him. The room goes to black.)
PSYCHIATRIST. What now? Do you still feel youre being watched?
27
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Catherine Butterfield
PHILLIP. No. But I can feel them listening. (A laugh in the audience.)
And laughing.
PSYCHIATRIST. At you?
PHILLIP. Yes, I think so.
PSYCHIATRIST. What did you do to deserve a laugh?
PHILLIP. I dont know. Sometimes its very clear to me, I feel that
they are on my side. Other times, I feel Im being judged, or that
theyre laughing at my expense. Right now I feel (Actor, depending
on the night, will either say theyre on my side, or Im being judged.
Or even, its somewhere in between.)
PSYCHIATRIST. Why dont you turn on the light now? (PHILLIP
does.) You know, dont you, that there is really no one there? That
youre really not being watched.
PHILLIP. (Doubtfully:) Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST. You dont sound sure.
PHILLIP. Are you?
PSYCHIATRIST. What?
PHILLIP. Are you sure, I mean absolutely sure youre not being
watched?
PSYCHIATRIST. Yes. I can say with a fair degree of certainty that
there is no one watching me.
PHILLIP. Im watching you.
PSYCHIATRIST. Besides you. The idea of being perpetually
watched by a group of people is simply not a reality-based notion.
PHILLIP. What about God? Isnt God watching you?
PSYCHIATRIST. I am an atheist, so no.
PHILLIP. You are an atheist, so no. Im not sure that makes sense.
You could be an atheist, and He could still be watching you.
PSYCHIATRIST. (Carefully:) Since I do not believe in his existence, I
do not have the sense of being watched by him.
PHILLIP. I see. Sure.
PSYCHIATRIST. What are your feelings about the existence of God?
PHILLIP. I dont rule out that He might be a member of the audience.
PSYCHIATRIST. Only a member.
Backflip
29
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Baggage Claim
by Julia Jordan
31
Cast of Characters
MARIA
FISHER
SAM
Acknowledgments
Baggage Claim was originally produced by The 24 Hour Plays at the
American Airlines Theater, NYC, 2004. It was directed by Trip Cullman with the following cast:
MARIA. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Maria Bello
FISHER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Fisher Stevens
SAM. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Sam Rockwell
32
Baggage Claim
by Julia Jordan
(An empty airport in the middle of the night. Baggage level. FISHER
sits on lower bench. MARIA appears at the top of the staircase in
a white gown. She clears her throat to get his attention. He turns
around. He is not who she is expecting.)
MARIA. Excuse me?
FISHER. Yes?
MARIA. This bench is taken.
FISHER. It was quite empty.
MARIA. Theres another just down there.
FISHER. This one suits me.
MARIA. For what?
FISHER. Sitting. Im waiting for someone.
MARIA. There are no arrivals for an hour.
FISHER. Im early. I dont like that rush hour traffic. Its too busy. All
the honking. Cars zipping around, moving in and out of lanes, in
front of me. Why must they zip? What is the point of zipping? I cant
count the dashes properly.
MARIA. What?
FISHER. The dashes between the lanes. I count them. As I go. It
calms me.
MARIA. Thats why theyre honking. Youre driving too slowly. Because of the counting.
FISHER. Whos to say?
MARIA. The speed limit.
FISHER. That limits how fast you can go, not how slowly.
MARIA. No, I think on a major highway there is a limit on how
slowly
FISHER. No one informed me. If things arent clearly stated to a
person, written in the handbook, included in the rules and regulations, put on a road sign How? How is a person to know what is
expected of them? Tell me.
MARIA. Im telling you something. Telling you clearly. I need this
bench. Please.
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Julia Jordan
Baggage Claim
35
MARIA. Hes coming. We met here. Three years ago, at three in the
afternoon.
FISHER. Its just past three in the morning.
MARIA. I think if you heard the story
FISHER. Stories are lies. Lies are stories.
MARIA. We bumped into each other. And we met and
FISHER. Literally?
MARIA. What?
FISHER. Literally bumped?
MARIA. Yes.
FISHER. Thats nice. People so rarely use language accurately.
Truthfully. It is a better policy.
MARIA. There was all this confusion over where the luggage was.
Which flights at which carousel. The voice over the speaker said,
Northwest flight 237, carousel 1. United flight 148, carousel 6. And
all the people trudged to their assigned carousel but as soon as they
arrived at their carousel the voice said Ooopsy.
FISHER. Said what?
MARIA. Ooopsy. Northwest carousel 6, United Carousel 1. So we
all trudged back. And then it happened again. The voice. Ooopsy.
And I was tired and exhausted and looking down at my feet, watching one place itself in front of the other and I walked smack into
this man. Just a man. Like any other. But we did this little dance
trying to get around each other and this man, this particular man,
and I We laughed. We looked at each other and laughed. First
thing he ever said to me was a laugh. And every time Ive seen him
since Weve laughed. And smiled. Except sometimes But mostly,
the vast mostly, we are happy. Laughing. Like the moment we met.
And tonight, one year later, hes asked me to meet him here. At three
in the morning. So we could be alone, I think. Cause I think he is going to go down on one knee and
FISHER. I did not say, Ooopsy.
MARIA. What?
FISHER. I have never in my life uttered the word oopsie. I may
have said oops. But not oopsie. And even if I did It was not
in the rule book. There was no commandment that thou shalt not
use a colloquialism to acknowledge a mistake or two. And I know
it was because of the Ooops. She said they were phasing out my
36
Julia Jordan
Baggage Claim
37
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39
41
Cast of Characters
CHESTER, a ten year old boy.
ABUELO, his grandfather.
YENIFFER, our narrator.
STORE CLERK / LAWN GUY / ANNOUNCER, maybe one actor,
maybe three.
Acknowledgments
Originally performed by The Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts
as part of Mermaids, Monsters, and the World Painted Purple, directed by
Gregg Henry.
42
46
Marco Ramirez
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Marco Ramirez
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50
Marco Ramirez
purple, and he has to see the game today, the baseball, I have to do
this, he HAS to watch his game
LAWN GUY. -Youre not making any sense
CHESTER. Sir
LAWN GUY. Get off the field
CHESTER. BLIND.
(A beat. It hurts to say it out loud.)
CHESTER. Hes going blind. Hes getting old andAnd I need to
do this for him.
LAWN GUY. (Compassionate:) Look Kid I could lose my job
CHESTER. Im sorry but you have to let me
LAWN GUY. I dont HAVE to ANYTHING
CHESTER. I took a bus, then a subway. I ran six blocks, almost got
hit by an ice cream truck.
LAWN GUY. I cant just let you paint this field, this ENTIRE field,
purple.
CHESTER. Yes you can.
LAWN GUY. No I
(The LAWN GUY stops.)
YENNIFER. And the Lawn Guy didnt know why, but he had this
sudden feeling like, yes, thats exactly what he needed to do. Like,
yes, if his own mother was alive, thats exactly what shed want him
to do. And he didnt know it, but his mother, who was in another
place, smiled for the first time in years, and was very proud of him
when she heard him say this one word:
LAWN GUY. Fine.
(The lawn guy, smiling, starts to exit. CHESTER paints.)
YENNIFER. So Chester painted up and down.
LAWN GUY. (Just before leaving:) I hate this job anyway.
YENNIFER. Chester painted home plate, third base, second base,
first base. He painted the pitchers mound. He painted the outfield.
He even painted the scoreboard. And, just as he was running out of
paint, just as the players were walking onto the field, he got in an elevator, jogged downstairs, ran six blocks, took a bus, then a subway
and eventually
(CHESTER walks into his apartment.)
51
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53
Cast of Characters
GAY 1
GAY 2
LEZ 1
LEZ 2
54
56
Michael Elyanow
GAY 2.
Hey, lez.
GAY 2.
Eh, whaddyagunnado?
57
and enter into a civil union contract by getting civilly-unioned before an assembly of their closest family and friends.
LEZ 2. Actually, it is like its not.
GAY 2. A lot like its not.
LEZ 1. Yeah, I guess.
GAY 1. Hey! What if
LEZ 2. If what?
GAY 1. Nevermind.
GAY 2. No, what?
GAY 1. Its dumb.
LEZ 1. Whats dumb?
GAY 1. Nothing. An idea. A proposition.
All three. SAY IT!
GAY 1. Okay. Well. What if you marry him? And I marry her? You
think The People will let us marry then?
LEZ 2. You bet!
GAY 1. Hooray!
LEZ 2. Great idea, gay!
GAY 1. Thanks, lez!
Gay 2.
Hang on!
LEZ 1.
Hang on!
Gay 1.
What?
LEZ 2.
What?
58
Michael Elyanow
Gay 2.
Of course!
LEZ 1.
Of course!
LEZ 2. Boy, you really didnt think that one through, did (you)
GAY 1. Hey, I know! What if
LEZ 2. If what?
GAY 1. Nothing. Nevermind. Another dumb propo
ALL THREE. SAY IT!
GAY 1. Wellwhat if I changed?
GAY 2. Changed? How so?
GAY 1. Got an operation.
GAY 2. What kind?
GAY 1. Think about it.
LEZ 2. Yes!
GAY 2. (Realizing:) NO!
GAY 1. Why not?
GAY 2. You are not a woman trapped inside a mans body.
GAY 1. True. But then Id legally be the opposite sex.
GAY 2. Even more to the point.
LEZ 2. Hold on, gay. I think gays got the right idea.
GAY 1. Thanks, lez.
LEZ 1. I agree. And Ill join him!
LEZ 2. What? No!
GAY 2. YES!
LEZ 1. Im becoming a man!
GAY 1. Hooray!
LEZ 2. Stop.
GAY 2. You just said.
LEZ 2. Changed my mind.
GAY 2. Thought you might.
GAY 1. Okay, hold on. This is what The People want, right?
LEZ 1. Marriage between a man and a woman or a woman and a man.
59
GAY 1. We can give them that. Of course, they wont need to know
that the marriage between the man and woman theyre getting is one
between a man and a woman who was a man
LEZ 1. Or a woman and a man who was a woman.
GAY 1. Theyd just see the marriage they want to see and thatd
make them happy.
LEZ 1. Happy People.
GAY 1. Happy enough to let us get married.
GAY 2. You would do that?
LEZ 2. Change?
LEZ 1. I would.
GAY 2. For The People?
GAY 1. For you.
LEZ 1. For us.
GAY 1. For Love.
Gay 2.
But
LEZ 2.
But
Gay 1.
But what?
LEZ 1.
But what?
LEZ 1.
You will?
Gay 2.
LEZ 2.
You bet! You bet!
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61
63
Cast of Characters
MOLLY PARSONS
TIFFANY
MR. WILSHIRE
PETER
Setting
This play takes place in a pre-modern pseudo-Dickensian world.
Think top hats and monocles, petticoats and gloves, knickers and
button-ups.
Acknowledgments
The Last Hat was originally produced as The Totally Rad Hat Blues
during the 2008 Frontera Short Fringe at the Hyde Park Theatre in
Austin, Texas, with the following cast and crew:
MOLLY PARSONS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Karen Anderson
TIFFANY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Steph Bates
MR. WILSHIRE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . David Boss
PETER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Maxim Overton
irector. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Elizabeth C. Lay
D
Costume Designer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Anna Selina
The Last Hat received its world premiere during The Tens, a showcase of ten-minute plays by the acting apprentices of Actors Theatre
of Louisville, with the following cast and crew:
MOLLY PARSONS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Monica Bergstrand
TIFFANY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Emily Kunkel
MR. WILSHIRE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Will Steele
PETER. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Daniel Desmarais
irector. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Legg
D
Dramaturg. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mik Mroczynski
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71
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A Moment Defined
by Cusi Cram
73
Cast of Characters
ELLA, late twenties, hip
BEAU, late twenties, hipper
Acknowledgments
A Moment Defined had its World Premiere as part of The Subway
Plays at HB Theater in New York City in June, 2003. It was directed
by Christian Parker and featured the following cast:
ELLA. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jen Albano
BEAU. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Matt Dawson
74
A Moment Defined
by Cusi Cram
(The downtown 2 train. The train is stalled. ELLA looks out. She
is visibly peeved. BEAU laughs to himself.)
ELLA. (Not looking at BEAU:) Are you gonna share?
BEAU. Share?
ELLA. Your mirth, your merriment, your subtextual joie de vivre.
BEAU. Are you still pissed about the cab?
ELLA. I just want in on your inner joke.
BEAU. Its just a cab from 121st and Amsterdam to Williamsburg
costs
ELLA. I KNOW how much cabs cost, that I know.
BEAU. Well, then
ELLA. Well then? Well then? What exactly do you mean by well then?
BEAU. Nothing, I mean nothing.
(Pause. Beau looks away and chuckles to himself.)
ELLA. (Turning to BEAU:) Were stuck in a tunnel for like five whole
minutes here and you know how I feel about places where oxygen is
not abundant, where air does not move freely and easily of its own
accord and youre smirking.
BEAU. I thought you said you didnt mind the train at certain times.
And I am not smirking.
ELLA. I would never say something like that. And you are smirking.
BEAU. Am not. But you did, you did say something about being OK
with riding the train at off peak hours.
ELLA. I would hardly call this off peak.
BEAU. Its a Tuesday at 1 am.
ELLA. Exactly.
BEAU. It seems to me thatthat if something were going to happen
it seems to me there are busier times.
ELLA. Define your terms.
BEAU. What terms?
ELLA. Busier times, what precisely do you mean by busier
times?
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Cusi Cram
BEAU. (Rapid fire:) Rush hour, Saturday and Sunday between noon
and six, bank holidays, the week before Christmas, pre and post
Theater time, the 4 train after a Yankees game. Those terms/times.
ELLA. Why were you laughing?
BEAU. I thought I was smirking.
ELLA. You know what I find funny, is that no one has told us anything. GOD I FUCKING HATE THE SUBWAY!
BEAU. Jesus! Well take a cab next time.
(The train begins to move again. ELLA begins to sob.)
BEAU. Oh honey, Ididnt mean to laugh to myselfor be
ELLA. (Sniffling:) Snotty.
BEAU. You have this thingthis whateverI know its not rational
I need to
(ELLA snuggles up against BEAU. She nestles for a minute.)
BEAU. Youve been in a weird mood all day.
ELLA. Yeah.
(A little pause.)
BEAU. Is itisityourcycle?
ELLA. Dont. Justno it is not. I hate the word cycle. Bad word. Just
let me have thisthis fear
BEAU. I was trying
ELLA. Dont.
(A little longer pause. BEAU smiles to himself.)
BEAU. Marco cracks me up.
ELLA. I know.
BEAU. That thing he does with his straw. How does he do it? And
then that story
ELLA. I heard the story.
BEAU. How could he swallow his Dads hearing aid and not know?
How?
ELLA. No idea.
BEAU. Junes shoes were cool.
ELLA. She got them at a sample sale.
BEAU. You should go with her sometime. She has good shoes.
A Moment Defined
77
ELLA. She does. Good earrings too. Beau, did you notice anything
weird tonight?
BEAU. The food. The food was weird. But thats Marco and June,
theyre all like, theres the best Ethiopian restaurant in the entire
world in Inwood. Or lets go for Bolivian food in Flushing, its their
thing. It used to bug me, doesnt anymore.
ELLA. Why not?
BEAU. I like their stories, like their shoes.
ELLA. Thats it?
BEAU. Marco and me, me and Marco, Marco and I, we have a bunch
of stuff in common. Its just hard for other people to understand.
ELLA. I understand.
BEAU. Its complicated.
ELLA. No it isnt. Your father invented the Bing Boing, a famous toy
and Marcos father invented crazy glue, a famous glue. End of story.
Is this train even inching? We could crawl to Brooklyn faster.
BEAU. Its more complicated than that.
ELLA. What is?
BEAU. Marco andwhat we have in common.
ELLA. How is it complicated?
BEAU. I thought you got it.
ELLA. I get it. You both work for your fathers, feel weird about it,
but not that weird.
BEAU. I mean its hard, hard, I mean maybe no matter what you
do, or try to do, itll never
ELLA. Be as important as the Bing Boing?
BEAU. Youre like Medea today, Medea on crack.
ELLA. Im sorry you feel stunted by a bouncy, orange toy.
BEAU. Youre like all disdainful of the Bing Boing. But that toy, that
toy brings joy to a lot of kids and thats something. I mean, yeah.
ELLA. Yeah, then, yeah it bounces joy into a lot of lives.
BEAU. I meanyou should read some of the letters I get from kids
and Moms toothis one Mom said the Bing Boing changed her life.
Before she got it for her kid all he would do is sit on her lap and he
would scream if she had to like even peeso
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Cusi Cram
ELLA. Sowhat?
BEAU. Lets be honest whos paying your rent? Bing and Boing.
ELLA. I told you as soon as I finish the memoir the rest of my advance
is yours.
BEAU. I dont care about the money.
ELLA. I do. And dont even say it.
BEAU. What?
ELLA. How Im not that different from you. My memoir is all about
my Mom who banged the last thirty years of rock and roll. I know, I
know, I know, were all just parasites obsessed with shoes and fame.
Were Americans.
BEAU. Youre not making sense, Ella.
ELLA. At dinner we talked about Korean steak joints, and the best
place to get a French pedicure and money and then some more
about money and how we didnt really have enough money to buy
the shoes and the apartments that we really want, but that one day
when the right people die and the big breaks come we will, we will
have enough money to have more and better things. We forgot to
talk about the world, Beau. We didnt mention the heartbreaking,
mindbending things that are going on in the world.
(The incomprehensible drone of a PA system. It goes on for a long
time and then stops suddenly with a crackle. ELLA jumps to her
feet. She yells in the direction of the PA system.)
ELLA. OK. OK. That just was not good enough for me. NOT GOOD
ENOUGH! We have computer guided cruise missiles but you cant
figure out how to transmit information in some sort of comprehensible way on the fucking 2 train? Can you hear me? When I speak is
it in gibberish?
(BEAU gets up and sits ELLA down.)
ELLA. I mean what if I spoke in gibberish, how long before they
would lock me up? Maybe Ill try it as an experiment and then write
a FUCKING letter to the MTA.
BEAU. Head between your knees.
ELLA. And I miss tokens.
BEAU. Head between your knees, Ella.
ELLA. Why change something that works? Why not change something that absolutely doesnt.
A Moment Defined
79
(BEAU forces ELLAs head between her knees. ELLA pops her
head up.)
ELLA. Tokens worked.
(BEAU pushes her head down again.)
BEAU. And take those deep yoga belly breaths.
ELLA. Fuck you.
(ELLA takes a few deep breaths. ELLA rises on deep exhale.)
ELLA. Beatrice said I needed more sex in my memoir.
BEAU. So this is all about your book?
ELLA. Beatrice said that I was writing a small book. She said she
knew that they had paid me for a small book, but that everybody
was hoping that I would write a bigger book for a small book price.
BEAU. What does bigger mean?
ELLA. More cocks, more blow jobs, maybe a threesome?
BEAU. Your editor said that?
ELLA. Yes.
BEAU. No she didnt.
ELLA. Not exactly in those words.
BEAU. What were her words, exactly Ella?
ELLA. Intimate details about sex with famous people sells books,
Ella. Why not write a book that sells, Ella. Your mother is dead, after
all, Ella.
BEAU. What did you say?
ELLA. I nodded my head. I was like one of those car ornaments that
cant stop nodding. I think I was still nodding when I left the building. I nodded down Third Avenue and thought something is not
right. I mean, I saw my Mom kiss Mick Jaeger and a Beachboy, that
one who didnt die, but its not like we had a family bed or anything
and I think its detrimental to even imagine your motherI mean,
what is this FUCKING world all about?
BEAU. You dont have to write that kind of book, Baby. I completely
understand why youre angry. Ill get my lawyer to call her.
ELLA. You dont have a lawyer, your father has a lawyer. And I am
the opposite of angry, Beau. I am focused.
BEAU. You seem angry.
80
Cusi Cram
A Moment Defined
81
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In order to protect our associated authors
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The Mulligan
by Scott Organ
83
Cast of Characters
BILL
EDDIE
Acknowledgments
The Mulligan had its World Premiere in the Atlantic Theater Companys 453 New Works Series, directed by James Pinkowski with the
following cast:
EDDIE. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Michael Dowling
BILL. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Scott Organ
84
The Mulligan
by Scott Organ
(A bar. A table. BILL sits at the table with a beer. Nearby, EDDIE
stands with a beer. Theyre not together. They drink. BILL sees
EDDIE standing.)
BILL. Have a seat.
EDDIE. No thanks.
BILL. No, no I mean it.
EDDIE. You mean it?
BILL. Yeah. You know. Im not just saying it.
EDDIE. Thanks. Yeah. Okay.
(EDDIE sits.)
EDDIE. Dogs are barking.
BILL. What?
EDDIE. My dogs.
BILL. Oh. Okay. Right.
EDDIE. My feet.
BILL. No. I know.
EDDIE. You know?
BILL. Yeah.
EDDIE. Because you looked like you didnt.
BILL. Okay. You caught me. I didnt. I was being polite.
EDDIE. Busted.
BILL. Yep.
EDDIE. Hey. No harm, no foul.
BILL. Okay.
EDDIE. Life is hard enough as is, you know
BILL. You got that right.
EDDIE. Without having to interpret some guys vernacular
BILL. YeahI have no idea what youre talking about.
EDDIE. Heynow thats more like it.
(Pause. They drink.)
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86
Scott Organ
The Mulligan
87
And our wives, theyre kind of like the car dealership we open after
retiring. We love it, put our time into it, it is, in fact, our lives. But
get a couple beers in us, what we fantasize about is not the day we
started selling Subarus. No. We fantasize about being back in the
game. So maybe we get a girl on the side, you know?
BILL. I love my wife.
EDDIE. Good. Thats good. I love mine too.
BILL. My wife is not the problem.
EDDIE. Wish I could say the same.
BILL. Yeah, well
EDDIE. But thats the thing
BILL. What?
EDDIE. You know. Look. I love my wife too. But love has no bearing
on problems, you know?
BILL. Yeah, I guess so.
EDDIE. Sure, you know, love, love, love, everybodys got that going
on, but what about the bills, you know?
BILL. Yeah. I know. I know.
EDDIE. Sure. I absolutely love my wife. But that doesnt necessarily
make things easier.
BILL. No, youre right.
EDDIE. Its hard no matter what.
BILL. You got that right.
EDDIE. Love dont pay the bills.
BILL. Yes, Ive noticed that.
EDDIE. My wife, God bless her, she, uhh, you knowyou do what
you gotta do at work. I work a lot.
BILL. Yeah?
EDDIE. And she does, too. But I guess I work all the time. And I lost
a lot of money in the stock market, you know?
BILL. Yeah, I never had that problem.
EDDIE. They say if you cant afford to lose it, dont put it in. But, you
know, I thought I was gonna get rich. But, then again, Im not the
sharpest knife in the drawer. Whats your name?
BILL. Bill.
88
Scott Organ
EDDIE. Mines Eddie. I lost a lot of money, Bill. So I work a lot. You
know, and my wife is cheating on me
BILL. Im sorry.
EDDIE. Yeah.
BILL. You know this for a fact?
EDDIE. Yeah. She doesnt know I know. But I do. An interesting
thing, Bill.
BILL. Yeah?
EDDIE. All the evidence is there.
BILL. What do you mean?
EDDIE. The little crimes people commit. An affair. Whatever. People wear that shit like a neon sign on their foreheads. Its just that
most of us prefer the safety of delusion, so we just dont see it. But its
right smack there in front of us. Its just too painful to acknowledge.
So most of us choose not to see it. But its there.
BILL. Well. Im sorry.
EDDIE. Ah, you know I work hard at my job, I like it, I like to do
well at it, and also so my wife and I can be secure, you know? And
I guess she gets lonely and starts banging the physics teacher at the
school where she works. Lifes funny that way.
BILL. Yeah, it is.
EDDIE. A guy just tries to do the right thing.
BILL. Yeah, no. Thats true.
EDDIE. But, uh, sometimes, what is the right thing, you know?
BILL. No. I know.
EDDIE. Life is frickin funny like that. Cracks me up sometimes.
BILL. I been out of work for 6 months.
EDDIE. No shit?
BILL. Yeah. My wife still has her job, shes a secretary. But I was the
one who made most of the money.
EDDIE. Six months. Jesus. So meanwhile your self esteem is taking
a pounding.
BILL. Yeah, it is.
EDDIE. And, you know, whos the guy she fell in love with?
BILL. Yeah, thats right. Shes asking
The Mulligan
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Scott Organ
EDDIE. You fuck up the project at work. Or you didnt try hard
enough to get that girls number 6 years ago. You know?
BILL. I wouldnt mind that.
EDDIE. But youre not drinking your days away, are you?
BILL. Oh, no. No. Im, uh, Ive got this meeting with the insurance
company. No. I just had to get out of the motel. And Im early for the
meeting. So I came here.
EDDIE. Thats good. The booze is not gonna do the trick.
BILL. No. I go out. I look for work. And, uh, its not as easy as it used
to be.
EDDIE. No. I guess not.
BILL. My wife and I. We dont talk.
EDDIE. No?
BILL. No. I think we both want to, but we dont. Isnt that bizarre?
EDDIE. I dont know.
BILL. In the same room there. At nights. For hours.
EDDIE. Doesnt sound like things are too good right now.
BILL. No. No, theyre not.
EDDIE. Im sorry.
BILL. Yeah, theyre not so good.
EDDIE. A mulligan would be nice right about now, wouldnt it?
BILL. Yeah, it would.
EDDIE. What would it be?
BILL. What would I do over?
EDDIE. Yeah.
BILL. I dont know.
EDDIE. Because remember what I was saying before, and youve
got this big blinking neon sign on your forehead.
BILL. I do?
EDDIE. Yeah, you do.
BILL. You can see that?
EDDIE. Yeah, I can. I can see it.
BILL. I guess I do.
The Mulligan
91
EDDIE. Hey, man. Youre a good guy. I can see that about you. I can
see that about people.
BILL. You see that about me?
EDDIE. Yeah, I do.
BILL. Because Im not. Not really, Eddie. Not really.
EDDIE. You can be a good guy, partner, and still do the occasional
bad thing. It doesnt take it all away.
BILL. It doesnt?
EDDIE. No way, man. No way. Theres bigger things which persevere.
BILL. No. I dont know. I dont know.
EDDIE. Im telling you whats true.
BILL. Laura just, uh, wont look at me.
EDDIE. Uh-huh.
BILL. I never thought my life would go this way.
EDDIE. No. We never do.
BILL. I love her.
EDDIE. I know you do.
BILL. And I talked her into it.
EDDIE. You talked her into it?
BILL. I did, yeah. I did. I thought we could start over.
EDDIE. Uh-huh. What did you do?
BILL. What did I do?
EDDIE. Yeah. What was it?
BILL. Are you a cop?
EDDIE. No.
BILL. I cant say.
EDDIE. But I know you want to. I know you do. I see it plain as day.
BILL. You do?
EDDIE. Plain as day, my friend. We all want to confess. We do. Why?
To feel better. To start again. To be straight with the world. And here
I am. Here I am. A couple of strangers in a fern bar. And you stand in
your kitchen there, and theres a little quiet part of you that just wants
to talk to your wife. But you dont. Why? And you sit here with me.
And you want to tell me something. But you dont. Why? Because the
92
Scott Organ
whole world will change once again. The whole world will change.
And thats terrifying. But let me ask you something, Bill
BILL. What?
EDDIE. Do you want the world to stay the same? Do you?
(Pause.)
BILL. I burned my house down.
EDDIE. You burned your house down?
BILL. Thats right.
EDDIE. Why did you do that?
BILL. I took my grandfathers gun collection outa few other things
of value. I took them out of the house. Its all insured.
EDDIE. For the money.
BILL. The money? No. For my wife. For us. So I dont have to feel like
the sack of shit that I do
EDDIE. Okay. Okay.
BILL. Okay?
EDDIE. Youre not a sack of shit.
BILL. No?
EDDIE. No. Do you feel better?
BILL. I dont know. I guess.
EDDIE. You will.
BILL. I will?
EDDIE. I guarantee it. You take my word on that. Maybe not today.
Maybe not in 2 months, but you will.
BILL. How is it you knew I had something eating me up like that?
EDDIE. Like I said, I can just see these things.
BILL. But youre not a cop.
EDDIE. No.
BILL. What are you?
EDDIE. Im an insurance investigator.
BILL. Youre an insurance investigator.
EDDIE. Yeah.
(Pause.)
The Mulligan
93
BILL. Where?
EDDIE. Eastern. Across the street. I work for Eastern.
(Long pause.)
Im just doing my job, Bill.
BILL. Fuck you.
EDDIE. You asked me to sit down. You asked me. Im here on lunch.
Im having a beer and you invite me over.
BILL. Fuck. You.
EDDIE. I wasnt trying to trick you.
BILL. No?
EDDIE. No. I was trying to help you.
BILL. Youre trying to help me?
EDDIE. Thats right. I can see what it is people need, you know?
Like I said. I saw you, Bill. And you wanted to talk. You needed to.
BILL. Youre enjoying this.
EDDIE. No. No, Im not. I dont enjoy busting you. Some people,
yeah. Not you.
BILL. Not me?
EDDIE. You know, theres very few reasons why people decide to
break the rules like this. And all of them fall under the auspices of
money of course. People do it for drugs, people do it for the girl
they got on the side. And theres the rare person who does it for his
family, you know. Its all the same crime, of course, but
BILL. What are you going to do?
EDDIE. Im going to do my job. Im going to do my job. The wife
is banging Mr. Physics, the least I could do, is do my job, dont you
think?
(Pause.)
Yeah. I dont think youre a sack of shit.
BILL. Yeah. Gee, thanks.
EDDIE. This is what you wanted, Bill. You made this. And itll be
better in the long run
(Pause.)
BILL. You asked me about my one do-over?
THIS PLAY IS
NOT OVER!
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against copyright infringement, we cannot
currently present full electronic scripts.
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95
Cast of Characters
TINA
KITTY
DAN
All the characters are in their late 30s.
Time
Early fall, 2008. Shortly after dinner.
Place
A hallway or pantry at Tina and Binkys place, with something to
put stuff on and something to perch or lean on.
96
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Mary Gallagher
TINA. Right! Right! Thats the best thing about Binky being Binky.
When people start that crap with him, it just doesnt cut it. To the
best of my knowledge, Binky
(They start giggling. They lean on each other, giggling. DAN enters.)
DAN. Hey.
TINA. Hey.
KITTY. Hey.
DAN. You guys are having a good time in here. Binks and I are
missing it. We feel ripped off. We feel we should express that.
KITTY. And were glad you did.
(He keeps looking at her for a beat. There is clearly a strong mutual
attraction. Then:)
DAN. Also, Binky sent me to inquire, I quote, What is the coffee
situation?
TINA. Its working, tell him. Whats he think this is, the Dog n Suds?
DAN. Uh
TINA. Hes the one that bought the espresso-maker, so hes gotta
learn to wait. Tell him to pretend hes in, you know, whatsit
KITTY/DAN. Tuscany.
TINA. Tuscany.
DAN. How bout if I tell him its almost ready?
KITTY. To the best of my knowledge, Binky.
DAN. (Grins:) Just an estimate, based on available datawell
crunch more numbers, Binks.
(DAN exits. They listen for a beat till hes gone.)
(Then TINA pokes KITTY.)
TINA. (About the vibes:) WOO!
KITTY. Yeah. Its great. So far.
TINA. What is this so far? There is no hidden horror. Trust me. I
told you, I looked into him. Not only is he not attached, he has the
perfect history. He was married once, so hes not afraid of commitment. But they were really young and it just didnt work out. But
theyre still friends, he even plays squash with her new husband,
so clearly hes not bitter. But, theyve been divorced for years, and
hes dated a lot and lived with two other women, so hes not hung
up on her. No kids, so there is no issue of maybe his kids will hate
99
you. But he has a niece that he adores, so hes not opposed to kids.
Plus he doesnt smoke, he drinks like just enough, he gets loose but
not sloppy, and hell smoke some dope if someone passes it around,
but he doesnt buy dope, and even when he smokes it, he never turns
into an asshole. I mean, if you dont take him, take Binky and Ill
take him!
KITTY. I really am attracted to him
TINA. Tell me about it! Its likea force!
KITTY. Yeah?
TINA. Yeah! Also you keep grinning.
KITTY. I do? Oh God
TINA. You both do. Me and Binky feel left out.
KITTY. God, how embarrassing
TINA. So whats the hold-up?
KITTY. (Beat, then:) Youre gonna get pissed off.
TINA. I might, Ill tell ya. I oughta get anointed Queen for coming
up with him. Or Pope. Cause do you know whats out there?
KITTY. I know, I know, believe me Okay. Look at the evidence.
Hes a corporate lawyer. He makes a lot of money.
TINA. Its not that great, he makes like what Binky makes
KITTY. Compared to say the average income of the average working
TINA. Okay, okay, right
KITTY. He drives a BMW. He went to Fiji on vacation. He makes
jokes that he lost half his investments in the meltdown, but he says
hes not worried yet! And he owns a condo and a small apartment
building!
TINA. So? What are you afraid of?
KITTY. Who do you think he votes for?
TINA. (Stopped; then stalls for time:) Huh?
KITTY. I knew it!
TINA. No no, wait, hold on
KITTY. God, its all so depressing
TINA. No, wait a minute, we dont know
KITTY. You know, you know in your heart
100
Mary Gallagher
TINA. I dont! You never know. Binkys just the same as Dan, hes
practically a clone of Dan, and Binky never votes for them
KITTY. Only because you tell him if he votes for them, he wont get
laid for four more years.
TINA. He wouldnt do it anyway. Sometimes, yeah, he talks the talk,
just to get me all wound up, but once inside the booth, you know
KITTY. This is denial, Tina.
TINA. No! Even when Reagan died, the Great Communicator and
the state funeral and all, and everyone kept saying, Ronald Reagan made us feel good about ourselves again, and then theyd play
these sound bites from his speeches? And Binky said, Tina, listen
to his voice, he sounds like a child molester.
(Doing creepy Reagan:)
Come with me, little girl, its morning in America
KITTY. Yeah, yeahwe can all sneer and laugh at them, but do
you think they care? They sell yo-yos in the gift shop of the Ronald
Reagan Presidential Library, yo-yos with Ronald Reagans name on
them, thats how much they care.
TINA. All Im saying is, Binky doesnt vote for them.
KITTY. Its how Dan votes that worries me!
TINA. Well, I dont think its fair. For you to justassume
KITTY. I bet Binky knows.
TINA. (Lying:) I dont think they talk politics.
KITTY. Get Binky and Ill ask him.
TINA. Oh, great, thats great! Why dont you just ask Dan? Go ahead,
just (Throws up hands.)
KITTY. (Bleakly:) Because if he votes for them, Ill cry, or puke, or
something
TINA. (Beat; then, gently:) Look. Why dont you wait. You know? Enjoy it for a while. You guys could have so much fun. And he could be
the greatest lover in America. Dont ruin it before you even
KITTY. No, I cant face falling for him, getting suckered in, but all
the time suspecting, probing, and then finding out! No. Id rather
end it now. One clean
(Chopping motion.)
Ill go back in, Ill ask him.
101
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