issue number nine

I suffer from Arachibutyrophobia (Fear of

peanut butter sticking to the roof of the
mouth)
23 skidoo
There is a
DANGER
to our nation, and our very way of
life, that lurks just beneath the radar of ordinary
society...An organization of chaos-worshippers
which has as its goal nothing less than the utter
destruction of the American way of life.

These degenerates call themselves “Discordians”, and they openly admit

that they worship a pagan Goddess by the name of Eris. Eris was, as those
with a classical education will know, an evil crone who was associated with
Ares, the Greek god of war. In mythology, Eris was prone to destroying
civilizations for her own amusement (The Trojan War was - in legend -
started by her, simply because she wasn’t invited to a party).
Wikipedia states: Wikipedia also states that the Write your congressman, your
Discordianism recognizes exact number and organization senator, and/or the editor of
chaos, discord, and dissent of these deviants are unknow. your local paper and demand
as valid and desirable that something be done about
qualities, in contrast with Are these the kind of people we this menace. It’s bad enough
most religions, which want running around loose? that we have to deal with
idealize harmony and order. Their idea of “worship” is, foreign terrorists out to end our
according to their own website way of life, but now we have a
(http://principiadiscordia.com), menace lurking like a snake in
playing stupid pranks and the grass, composed of our own
vandalizing things, and their “citizens”...as if anyone intent
stated goal is the destruction of on the demolition of a nation
our nation and all “normals” can be called a citizen of that
and “merehumes” (“mere nation. They must be rooted out
humans”) they can catch. If you and exposed, before they destroy
are unconvinced, check out the us all.
forums at the site. These are
not just another group of neo- - The Good Reverend
hippies or “pagans”, they are a
genuine threat to America as a
Christian nation...or a nation at
ROGER
all.
To
The
Prettiest
One
Καλλίστη
Eris militaris
 this issued
intermittens dot org brought to
you by a
An irrational fear of mortal
discordian quasi-periodicals?
I have a lot of irrational fears:
1) answering the door
2) meeting people I know while out in public, like
shopping
3) being raped and murdered while my kids are raped
and murdered, in our home
4) dying on the highway in a car crash

http://www.kelbournewoolens.com/giveahoot.html

pattern designed by
Jocelyn Tunney

Pēleus
Knight of the banana-shaped table
Last Great Pope of Seattle

OWLY MITTENS TO:

@mollyfaraday(cover), Αυτό, Jenne, Bone Jangles(comic), TGRRoger,
TRRNigel, ladycryingsoul, Enki(jabberwocky & wumpus), BrokenAI, Hoopla,
1CG(Carol & Max), 000, publicdomainpictures dot net, pdclipart dot org,
eeemo dot net, ourecohouse dot info, wikisource dot org, Code2000
 Log Off. Go Outside.
Live Life Deeply, Passionately,
and without Reservation.
Somewhere out there is the fun,
funny, irrational and enlightening
experience you speak of.
 Nyarlathotep... the crawling chaos... I am the last... I will tell the audient void....

OH
I do not recall distinctly when it began, but it was months ago. The general tension was

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Andhorrible.
it was then
To a that Nyarlathotep
of politicalcame
and out of upheaval
Egypt. Who washeadded
was, anone couldand
tell,brooding
but

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season social strange

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he apprehension
was of the oldofnative blood and looked
danger;like a Pharaoh. The fellahin knelt when they
He Waits Behind The Wall, in a palace of tortured glass, served by legions forged from the tears of the sleepless dead and clad in armor carved from the suffering of mothers. In his right hand he holds a dead star, and in his right hand he holds the Candle

hideous physical a danger widespread and all-embracing, such a

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sawdanger
him, yet could not say why. He said he had risen up out of the blackness of twenty-

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Whose Light Is Shadow. His left hands are stained with the blood of Am Dhaegar.

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as may be imagined only in the most terrible phantasms of the night. I recall that

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seven
the centuries, andabout
that he
withhad heard
and messages from and
places not on this planet.and
Into

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people went pale worried faces, whispered warnings

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ILL
theprophecies
lands of civilisation camedared
Nyarlathotep, swarthy,
repeat slender, and sinister, alwaysthat
buying

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His six mouths speak in different tongues, and the seventh shall sing the song that ends the earth.

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which no one

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consciously or acknowledge to himself he had

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strange instruments of glass and metal and combining them into instruments yet

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heard. A sense of monstrous guilt was upon the land, and out of the abysses between the
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stranger. He spoke
chill much of that
the sciences – ofshiver
electricity andand psychology — and gavewas a

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These excerpts run the gamut from alchemical documents from the 1600s, occult texts relating to vampires, cult dogma (transcripts from the video of that cult that killed themselves when the Hale Bop comet passed by earth), segments of horror stories (Brahm

stars swept currents made men in dark lonely places. There

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exhibitions of power which sent his spectators away speechless, yet which swelled his
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Stoker's Lair of the White Worm), and even the trial of a man supposed to have been a werewolf.
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daemoniac alteration in the sequence of the seasons — the autumn heat lingered

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fame to exceeding
and magnitude. Menthatadvised one and
another to seetheNyarlathotep,
universe hadand HA

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fearsomely, everyone felt the world perhaps passed from the

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shuddered.
control of known gods or forces to that of gods or forces which were unknown.rent
And where Nyarlathotep went, rest vanished; for the small hours were

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A frequent feature, save for the bizarre symbols and formatting, is the obscuration of anything with religious connotations; the words 'heaven', 'religion', 'god', etc. are often in strikethrough, and sometimes certain words are even removed from the original T
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with the screams of nightmare. Never before had the screams of nightmare been such a

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texts, notably "human" and "garden".

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public problem; now the wise men almost wished they could forbid sleep in the small
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hours, thatIt the
wasshrieks
in the ofhotcities might less horribly disturb
thethe pale,with
pitying moon ascrowds
it

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autumn that I went through night the restless to see

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I remember when Nyarlathotep came to my city — the great, the old, the
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glimmered on green waters gliding under bridges, and old steeples crumbling against a
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Nyarlathotep; through the stifling night and up the endless stairs into the choking
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terrible city of unnumbered crimes. My friend had told me of him, and of

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sickly sky. room. And shadowed on a screen, I saw hooded forms amidst ruins, and yellow evil

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the impelling fascination and allurement of his revelations, and I burned Y

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faces peering from behind fallen monuments. And I saw the world battling against
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with eagerness to explore his uttermost mysteries. My friend said they were
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blackness; against the waves of destruction from ultimate space; whirling, churning,
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horrible and impressive beyond my most fevered imaginings; and what was
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struggling around the dimming, cooling sun. Then the sparks played amazingly around
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thrown on a screen in the darkened room prophesied things none but

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the heads of the spectators, and hair stood up on end whilst shadows more grotesque
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Nyarlathotep dared prophesy, and in the sputter of his sparks there was
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than I can tell came out and squatted on the heads. And when I, who was colder and NE
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taken from men that which had never been taken before yet which shewed SS
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more scientific than the rest, mumbled a trembling protest about "imposture" and
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only in the eyes. And I heard it hinted abroad that those who knew
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"static electricity," Nyarlathotep drove us all out, down the dizzy stairs into the damp,
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Nyarlathotep looked on sights which others saw not.

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hot, deserted midnight streets. I screamed aloud that I was not afraid; that I never
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could be afraid; and others screamed with me for

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HE COMes!!! HE COMES!!!
HA
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̗͙͎ͯ̿͌̋̊͝͡Z ̢̻̲̩͍̟͒́a̶̡̤̟̅ͥe̸̷̢̲̬̝͉̩̘̥͂ͭ̄ͬlͯ͒ͣ͊ͬ̂҉͖̻̘̃̍͘͞ͅg̠̟͇̞͜ ̸̜̯̱͇̳̀̈́w ͉͖̥̩̗̋̇̃́ͬͩo͇͉̮̲̖͓̦̳͆ͭ́͟͠.̵̴̮͖̪̥͚̣̫̄ͤ͒̑͋ͧͬ͡ḧ̫͈̬̭͕̩̻̄̂ͤ͂͘ ̝̜͈̖̻̺̃͐̿̔̇̍̑ͮo̮̓͛̑̎̋͝͡ ̵̞̖̿̾́͠W̭͖̣͚̺ͪ̽͘ͅa͖͕̫̣̮̅͒̎i͚͍̮̣̹̬̞͌̇͊ͬͤ̽̅́ͅṭ̴̳͕͚̰̥̍̋̀ͧ̾̃͋ͬ͜ͅs̡͎̣̄͑ͫ̚̕͡ o
̩ ̖ ̣ ̻ ͝ ̕ ̂ ͧ ͯ ͭ ̽ ͂ a
͓ ͇ ͅ ̞ ̬ ͕ ͜ ̴ ͢ ̎ ͦ ͬ ̐ ͨ ҉
̀ ͛ ͗ ̏ s
̱ ̜ ͓ ̲ ͜ ̨ ͆ ̾ ̓ ͛ ͭ ͂ ̂ .
̱ ͍ ͖ ̞ ͅ ̣ ̡ ͜ ͞ ̒ ͒ ̈́
HE COMES!!! H
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̼ ̯ ̮ ͍ ̭ ͙ ͇ ͕ ̧ ͞ ̷ ͫ ̏ ̅ ͪ ͬ ͩ ̃ ͯ ҉
́ ͗ ̽ ͆ ̊ h
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͍ ̗ ̞ ̮ ͕ ̵ ̽ ̌ ̱ ̭ ̬ ̲ ͎ ̈́ ̉ ̄ ̽ ͯ ͥ T
̺ ͦ ͨ ̃ ̽ ̇ ͮ ͑ ͬ h
̬ ̠ ̤ ̥ ͠ ̨ ̓ ̾ ̊ ͛ ̚ ͦ ̐ ̋ e
̪ ͜ ͢ ̏ ͣ ́ ͐ ̩ ̪ ̖ ̰ ̭ ́ ̚ ̊ ̅ ̈ ͬ ̾ ͫ ̃ W
͖ ̖ ͍ ̱ ͕ ̞ ̜ ͔ ͜ ͠ ͐ ̔ ͛ ̐ ͫ ̀ a
͖ ̤ ͍ ̩ ̸ ̧ ͭ ͦ ̈ ͨ ̉ l
̰ ̹ ͚ ̃ ̄ ͨ l
̪ ̹ ̛ ̨ ̽ ̐ ̓ ͮ ̾ ̇ ̑ .
̬ ̞ ͔ ̴ ̸ ̋ ͌ ͊ ̪ ͇ ̖ ̩ ͅ ̱ ͘ ̛ ̿ ̂ ̒ ͒ ̆ ͨ ͧ ̈́
HE COMES!!!
HE
HE ̙̺̖͉̳̣̪̽́̾̒̇ZCOMES!!! ̸̧̘̎͢A COMES!!! ̸̳̙̹͈̞̱̽̇̑͑͊̾͂͋ͫL̢͔̖̤̹̟͚͐ͮ̀͒͌͢͠G͇ͩ͑̔͂̎ͮ̿O̤̹͓̣̱̾̇͗͌̚͘͜!̶̺͈͉̤͖̲ͭ͊̈́̊ͥ͐̑
HE
HE COMES!!!
COMES!!!
HE
HE COMES!!!
COMES!!!
HE
HE COMES!!!
HE COMES!!!
COMES!!!
HE COMES!!!
:> YOU ARE IN ROOM 3 - TUNNELS LEAD
TO 2 4 12
The sweat drips down my brow, the draft from
the nearby pits not calming me. I'm down to
my last crooked arrow.

Shoot, or
move?
The stench of the wumpus is
overpowering. I had been attacked by
bats three times already on this hunt.
I had wasted my arrows on ghosts.
Coming to this cave initially in the
hope of feeding my family, my goal
is now to stay alive.

Shoot
move? or
I shoot, and I have one shot. If it
misses, I'm as good as dead.
I could go back from whence I came.
I think that was tunnel two. But, they
all look alike, and I certainly can't
get home now that the bats have
made me lose my sense of direction.
If I'm right, either tunnel four or
tunnel twelve contains the bottomless
pit -- and the other contains the
wumpus. If I'm wrong, or if the bats
are migrating again, turning back
could be just as immediately fatal.

Shoot or move?

Regardless of my choice, my chances are slim. "Wait until you see those
bats," they sneered in the village. A fool, I ignored them. In the dark dry
warmth of the wumpus caves, I could not survive long indecisively -- the
only creature who lives here is the wumpus, outside of the bats which are
hardly edible and impossible to catch. I might succumb to dehydration first,
the geothermal heat dessicating my body and serving as a warning for the
likes of me, foolish boys who know not the wily ways of the wumpus caves.
Shoot or move?
I draw my last arrow, choosing tunnel four.
I hear a clunk -- I shot into the pit.
Fleeing to the second tunnel, I feel a sudden sense
of dread -- but
TOO LATE. I come face to face with a ...
The news anchor is
a comedian
who delivers grim stand-up with a
straight face.
Some reel back in terror.
Some are numb.
Some laugh through the horror.
This makes them poor victims.

To tell a bad joke

with a straight face,
one must master seriousness.

To live in a bad joke

with a straight face
one must master humor.

The Discordian
wears many masks.
Chao Te Ching; 28
 I
HAVE BEEN
TO THE MOUNTAIN TOP.

I've been above

I've been above the
the tree
treeline,
line,where
wherenothing
nothinggrows
growsbutbut lichen,
lichen, andand nobody's
nobody's really
really sure
sure if that
if that counts
counts as
as life
life or anyway.
or not not anyway. Theis air
The air thinisup
thin up there,
there, but youbutcan
you can
see see along
a long, long, long
way. way.
You canYousee can
yoursee youryou
house, house,
can
you can see
see your car,your
you car, you the
can see can roads
see the
weroads
draw we draw
in the in the
sand, andsand,
how and how
pitiful pitiful
they are, they are, stretching
stretching on
on for miles
for miles but barely scratching the surface of an inhospitable landscape. You can see the hills
but barely scratching the surface of an inhospitable landscape. You can see the hills and the mountains, and the
mountains, crawlingtoward
crawling silently silently the
toward the the
cities; cities;rivers,
the rivers,
slowlyslowly carving
carving out out
thethegraves
graves of
of civilization.
civilization.

To
To be
be sure,
sure, aa lot
lot of
of things
things are
are happening,
happening, most
most ofof itit just
just slightly
slightly beyond
beyond the
the edges
edges of of our
our perception.
perception. And
And
while it
while it all
all happens
happens wewe are
are down
down here,
here, scampering
scampering back back and
and forth
forth confused
confused little
little ants,
ants, never
never really
really sure
sure
what
what we're doing (or why), but carrying on like there's no other way. Yes, you can see a lot from the toptop
we're doing (or why), but carrying on like there's no other way. Yes, you can see a lot from the of
of
a a mountain.I
mountain. I guessguess that'sthat's all all I'm I'm trying
trying to
to say.
say.

II also
also have
have something
something toto say
say about
about PD.
PD. Much
Much like like a
a hometown,
hometown, PD PD is
is the
the place
place where
where many
many of
of us
us first
first
realized something
realized something very
very important,
important,whatever
whateverit itmight
mightbe.be. It is
It is a place
a place that
that somehow
somehow (and
(and honestly
honestly I have
I have no
no
ideaidea how,
how, exactly)
exactly) is able
is able to leave
to leave an impression.
an impression. It'sSMF
It's just just with
SMFsomewith some fancy emoticons
fancy emoticons and higher
and higher quality
quality but
spags, spags, but for
for some somemany
reason reason many
of us findof us be
it to finda itplace
to be a place
that, in our that, in our increasingly
increasingly cardboard
cardboard world, really
world, really
feels like feels like There
somewhere. somewhere.
is a firstThere is aeverything,
time for first time for
andeverything, andaPD
PD has seen lot has seen ahave
of things lot of things
their first
have Ittheir
time. sawfirst
the time. It saw
first time the shouted
I ever first timemyI ever
guts shouted
up aboutmy guts up about
something something
and, instead of a and,
virtualinstead of a
room filled
virtual room applause
with vacant filled withorvacant applause
uneasy or uneasy
agreement for a agreement for a
few moments, few was
there moments, there
a room was
filled a room
with filled
discussion
with
about discussion
topics about
I topics
thought I thought
nobody nobody
would would
ever ever
be be
able able toto discuss.
discuss.

PD is also
PD is also like
likea ahometown
hometown in in
thatthat eventually
eventually you you
wantwant to leave.
to leave. It could
It could be for be
anyfor any reason;
reason; maybe
maybe Roger's
Roger's
pants arepants
on too aretight
on one
too day
tightand
one heday and
looks at he
youlooks
funny.atMaybe
you funny. Maybehas
some noob some noobApple
infiltrated has infiltrated
Talk and
Apple Talk and
is spamming the is spamming
place the place
up. Maybe up.a Maybe
there is giganticthere is a gigantic
Sociological Sociological
Experiment going onExperiment
and you'regoing on
secretly
and you're secretly the butt of some ass-tard's half-cocked scheme to get a few cheap yuks
the butt of some ass-tard's half-cocked scheme to get a few cheap yuks at your expense. Or maybe, like at your
expense. Orstart
me, you just maybe, like
feeling likeme,
the you
magicjust start feeling
is gone and youlike
haulthe
off magic
blamingiseverybody
gone andaround
you haul
you off blaming
for that, like
everybody
it's theiraround jobyou for
to that, like
make it's their
you job to
feel make you
like feel
a like a fucking
fucking princess.
princess.

Anyway, the point

Anyway, the point is
is that
that eventually,
eventually, youyou might
might want
want to
to leave
leave PD, in
PD, in spite
spite of
of the
the fact
fact that
that isis magical,
magical,
wondrous, and basically the best thing on the
wondrous, and basically the best thing on the Internet Internet (aside
(aside from
from Russian porno). In fact, the more
Russian porno). In fact, the more
impressed you
impressed you are with PD
are with PD atat first, the higher
first, the higher the
the chance
chance is
is that
that later,
later, you
you will
will want
want out
out for
for some
some reason.
reason.

But
But II will
will also
alsotell
tellyou
you that
that there
there is no
is no escape.
escape. Out Out
therethere
in theinworld,
the world,
wherewhere you
you are butare but
gear gearground
being being
ground
to a pulp to in
a the
pulpMachine,
in the Machine, where
where there is there is no
no light light whatever
except except whatever comes dripping
comes dripping out of late-
out of late-night TV,
night
while TV,
you while youwith
sit there sit a
there
deathwith
gripa on
death grip
every on every
space space
between between inconsequential
inconsequential decisions,
decisions, wondering to
wondering
yourself whytoyour
yourself whynoyour
life has life has
direction nowhy
and direction and
nothing why nothing
makes makes
any sense and any
why sense and
there is why there
nobody is
to talk
nobody
to abouttoit; talk
out to about
there it; out
where there where
Discord is bad,Discord is bad,likes
and nobody andyou
nobody
makinglikes
funyou
of making fun Aunt's
their dead of theirfuneral
dead
Aunt's funeral
dress... dress...
Out there, Out
you'll there,
find youryou'll find your
way back hereway back
faster than here
youfaster
think. than you think.
Because Because
PD isn't PD isn't just
just a website, it's
a
the website,
gaping it's the
maw gapingat maw the at the
end end of of every
every

Discordian's quest for meaning.

 (advertisement)
infocalypse.ignorelist.com

sad but true, christians after they

destroyed the ancient world, they
turned
upon
each
other, I
guess you
are
already
aware of
this. Still
here in
Greece,
they are
against all the other religions and
special against 12 gods

I have a fear of making telephone calls. No

problem receiving them, no problem making
them on behalf of someone else, I just hate
calling people on my own. To the point that if
I have to make a bunch of calls in a row I'll
get some heart palpitations and irregular
breathing. That is annoying, since I generally
have excellent concious control over my heart
and breathing rates.

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 the plastic tank as Travis hit the
Jury of Peers DUMP HIM button. Paul looked
anxiously as the diving board he
(c) 2008 Cramulus was standing on slowly retracted
into wall. When he had only a few
inches left, Paul took a big breath
Travis Monicker sighed to himself. and stepped into the pit of vermin.
It was subtle; the audience didn’t
even notice. His eyes were Travis Monicker, the voice of the
twinkling with drama, his teeth people. Travis hosted a weekly
bared in a rictus of excitement. game show called Jury of Peers. It
“Paul, your case has been made, was a popular show, and had just
and you’ve been judged by a jury of been renewed for its fifth season.
your peers.” Travis spoke slowly, Similar to courtroom reality TV
drawing out the anticipation of the shows, each of the contestants was
verdict. All the studio lights were “on trial” for one reason or another.
on Paul, a balding middle-aged Some had been cheating on their
man from Pasadena. His eyes lovers. Some had borrowed money
anxiously darted left and right. and squandered it. Others were
simply disgusting people. The
“The public has spoken--” Travis contestants weren’t being tried for
held up his reader to the camera, crimes, per se – that was for the law
showing the results of the internet to handle. They had broken social
poll. “--and they think you should rules, customs, or taboos. The
take a dip.” sentences were often mildly
painful, humiliating, or disgusting.
“No! Please!” begged Paul, eyes wide The verdict of the trial was
with fear. The tears from his determined by an internet poll.
emotional moment had barely Literally millions of people showed
dried. Paul’s fists banged against up on the Jury of Peers website
and cast their vote for what show. Sometimes there’d be
should happen to this week’s physical challenges designed to
lineup of hapless defendants. win the adoration of the public.
Even emotionally abusive parents
Paul, a germaphobe, thrashed had been found not-guilty if they
around, choking with disgust. The were able to eat a live centipede, or
tank was filled three feet deep with stand barefoot on the hot plate for
worms, cockroaches, centipedes, the length of the show’s theme
spiders, all sorts of crawly song.
nightmarish things. Paul coughed
until he vomited, his eyes red with If the defendant succeeded, the
tears. Bugs had gotten into his plaintiff would be subjected to this
hair. The spotlight on the tank week’s torture. Travis thought this
flashed as the intense music underscored a basic law of human
ramped up. In order to escape, civilization: when all’s said and
Paul had to find a key at the done, somebody’s gonna get it.
bottom of the tank. Some
contestants spent upwards of ten One time,
minutes suffering in their own a pretty
personal hell before mustering up 18-year-
the nerve to escape. old college
freshman
Travis, numb to the horrific had
display, watched listlessly. He accused
would be off camera for the next her
few minutes, enjoying the break at English
the climax of the trial. He took a professor
long, slow drag off his cigarette. of
Paul yelped a shrill shriek as a big teaching
mamma cockroach crawled up his the Bible.
leg and into the darkness under It was a
his shorts. topical issue-- there had just been
some church vs state supreme
Jury of Peers was relatively court ruling which was a hot topic
formulaic. Travis would introduce in the media. The girl was right,
the plaintiff and the defendant. but she came across like a spoiled
Both sides would make opening Jewish Princess. The professor
remarks. Then, Travis would carried himself well and remained
unveil this week’s horrible torture calm. The public found the
device, some sick contraption professor not-guilty, and the
designed by the show’s writers – a Jewish Princess was blasted with
pack of depraved and sadistic a fire-hose and made to sit in a
individuals. The defendant and cold meat locker with fans blowing
the plaintiff would argue with on her while she frantically tried
each other. The producers tried to key after key on the lock. When
complicate matters by making she finally emerged, pale and
each contestant as strung-out and shivering, tears running down her
emotional as possible. They’d be face, her nipples could have cut
deprived of sleep and food during glass. The public hooted and
the “rehearsal”, then given lots of hollered. They loved to see a pretty
alcohol and caffeine before the girl get it.
The crowd doesn’t really want since they introduced the
justice, thought Travis, the crowd “commercial plot arc”, audiences
wants punishment. were much more willing to put up
with nested layers of extended
“Next up,” Travis said to the advertisements. Travis had a few
camera, “we’ll talk to someone minutes to smoke and slug down
accused of hating his mother.” The some bourbon. He opened the fire
“boo” light went on and the exit and stepped into the darkness.
audience hissed obediently. They
cut to commercial and Travis “Christ,” muttered Travis under
walked off-stage. his breath. They were waiting for
him.
Hal, the producer of Jury of Peers,
walked alongside Travis. A handful of protestors had
wandered away from the throng in
“We’re doing good tonight,” said front of the building. Young,
Hal, hunched over his clipboard. granola looking kids, probably
“I’m worried about the next college students. Not one of them
segment though.” was older than 25. When they saw
Travis step outside the group
“What do you mean?” asked power-walked, determined,
Travis, “The anti-mother thing towards the loading dock.
always goes well. Everybody loves
their mother.” “Panderer!” one yelled.
“You remember what happened “Prick!” yelled another.
last time we dunked a mother in
the dip?” Travis stood on the loading dock,
smoking his cigarette and looking
They shared a chuckle. Travis down with contempt at the
hadn’t seen an audience so protestors below. “Judgmental
outraged since the first season. punks,” he sneered.
Dunking that senescent old
woman in pigs blood wasn’t nice, The crowd began to move towards
but it was good television. Due to the loading dock like a slow
all the press attention it got, it moving fist. There were about a
might have the best thing to dozen of them. The fist hit the
happen to loading dock with a dull, vaguely
the show. insulting roar. Travis licked his
Front page lips.
news,
ratings A cute, brown-haired girl climbed
went up onto the dock to confront him.
through This was usually where Travis
the roof. would hit the button in his pocket
and a burly security guard would
Travis arrive just in time to rough up
went some college kid with messy
outside to the parking lot behind dreadlocks. Somehow, Travis
the sound stage. Commercial didn’t think this girl would
breaks ran long these days. Ever threaten him physically. She
 You think my show is bad and evil
and wrong. We turn man against
man, society against the family,
the family against the individual,
man against God…” the girl
nodded emphatically. “What’s
your name?” Travis asked
suddenly, relying on a sudden
personal question to put her off
guard.
She hesitated, then said “Diana.”
“Diana,” he repeated, taking her
small hand in his, “we serve a very
real need, you know. Are you
familiar with the idea of
catharsis?” She stared at him like
stared fiercely at him, fury in her a deer in head lights.
doe-brown eyes.
“Yeah,” she whispered, the fire
“Why?” she asked, her voice temporarily gone from her face.
determined, but with a subtle tone “You go see horror movies and
of pleading. tragedies because it ultimately
makes you feel better to
“Why not?” he countered, bored, experience those emotions. It frees
not really understanding the you from the shit in your life.”
fragment of a question.
“Right,” he said, “And why did the
“Millions of people watch your Romans show up in droves to
show,” she said. “Why do you show watch men get torn apart by tigers
the worst parts of humanity? Why in the arena? Why did medieval
do you make them think it’s man turn out in scores to watch
normal to judge and torment and tortuous public executions? Why
condemn each other?” do we pay so close
attention to what
Travis smiled, blowing smoke. we hate the most?”
“Like you’re doing now? You think
that’s not normal?” “Sex sells,” she
sneered, pulling
She was flustered. It was clear her hand out of his.
that she’d spent a lot of time
mentally rehearsing these “Necessity,” said
questions. Startled by the Travis, “People need it. If there was
opportunity to meet the devil face no violence to watch on TV, people
to face, the words had gotten all would seek it out. They’d be
backed up in her throat. murdering each other in the
streets. Reality TV is just the
“No,” she stammered. modern equivalent of the Roman
gladiator pit.”
Travis cut her off, “I know, I know.
“That’s bullshit,” spat Diana.
“Boo hoo, I’m a victim of the Travis shook his head, “They go
tyranny of the majority,” he said through boring days, clock in,
sarcastically, taking a swig from clock out. The winning survival
his flask. “Hey, if people didn’t like
strategy is to feel no emotion at all.
seeing this stuff, they wouldn’t Then they get home and want to
watch. And our ratings indicate let it all out. They want to feel
otherwise.” something. I exist because they
exist.” Travis spiked his cigarette
“That’s bullshit!” she repeated. on the ground.
Dead in the water.
“Would you like to be on the
“I’m going to take a stab in the show?” he asked suddenly.
dark,” said Travis. “You watch my
show every week.” “What?” stammered Diana. “Why?”
“Yeah, but not because I like it,” The protestors standing by the
she said vindictively as Travis loading dock erupted into chaos.
smirked. “It’s base, primitive, and “Corporate stooge! Sadist!”
barbaric,” she went on, “It appeals
to the lowest common Travis spoke over the din, “We’ve
denominator. It’s prime time got a segment coming up where a
trash.” man has never ever called on
Mother’s day. His mother is taking
“Are there any other shows that him to trial for it. I’ve met the
make you feel like that?” woman, she’s pretty overbearing,
and I think she’s going to get
“No,” she said with disgust. “Yours dumped into a tank of bugs.”
is the worst.”
Travis batted away a diet soda can
“So you don’t feel those emotions lobbed at him by a bearded college
any other time than when you’re kid. Without pausing, he
watching Jury of Peers. continued, “Anyway, my producer
Interesting. And you don’t think doesn’t like it. I’d rather tag in a
that’s why you watch it?” pretty young thing with a cause.”
Diana scowled. Travis leaned in,
Diana blinked. his whisper like sandpaper, “If
you’re brave enough, you can
“You’ve gotta know your audience, come crucify me on live TV. It’ll be
love,” said Travis. “Have you seen you versus me. You win, I’ll take a
the middle of America? I don’t dip.”
mean the Midwest – I mean the
statistically average person. The “No way,” Diana said defiantly.
people that watch TV for four to
six hours a day? They’re base, “Suit yourself,” said Travis. “You
primitive, barbaric. They tune in and your friends,” he gestured
because they like to feel hate, and dismissively to the rabble behind
they like to feel justified.” her, “Can continue your little
campaign from the parking lot.”
“I have always believed in the
nobility of the human being,” said Diana looked at her shoes, biting
Diana. her lip. Travis tightened the cap on
his flask. her to protest your show.”
“I’ll do it.” From where she was sitting, Diana
couldn’t see the boo light go on,
but she could hear the audience
roar at her.
Hal was furious, as usual, but he
calmed down when he saw the Travis quieted them down, “Now
cute college chick Travis had now,” he chided, “Let’s give her a
recruited. There was no time to get fair chance and listen to what she
Diana prepped. She wasn’t has to say.”
wearing any makeup, just a small
black beret. Squinting in the “I’m here to make a point,” said
bright stage lights, Diana felt very Diana. “While it may be
small. They didn’t have time to entertaining to watch people
give her the personality survey, suffer, it’s not right.”
only to ask her a few brief
biographical questions and have “And I,” said Travis, eyes twinkling,
her sign the ponderous waiver. “will be the defendant.” The
She sat behind a podium, brow audience gasped. “That’s right my
furrowed as Travis introduced her friends and neighbors, I will
and set up the trial. defend this show and its viewers.
Diana will make a case against us,
“Diana,” said Travis, “is and I will try to refute it. Is Jury of
representing a faction which Peers good or bad for the public?
doesn’t like our show. She’s a 19 You,” he said, pointing at the
year old political science major camera, “will go to our website and
who is a part of the ‘purity vote on who you think is right.
movement’. What’s that about, Whoever loses will take a dip in
Diana?” the tank.” The camera panned
over to the vermin chamber before
“The purity movement is the latest fading to commercial break.
revolution,” she said, “Most of
today’s youth are children of Across the nation, people crowded
indulgent parents. We don’t onto couches. Rowdy bars quieted
believe we need to destroy down. Families chewed their TV
ourselves to be unique. So no dinners, their eyes reflecting the
tattoos, no piercings, no drugs.” flickering TV light. Some people
cheered for Diana, others cursed
“Do you drink?” inquired Travis. at their screens. The website
burned through bandwidth. Jury
Diana paused. “Only a little, at of Peers was putting itself on trial.
parties,” she confessed, blushing,
immediately wishing she had lied. Diana was sharp.
Travis winked at the camera.
Diana was a lamb in the wolf’s den. “Television shows like Jury of
Peers are turning the average
“Diana, when you came down to person into a member of a lynch
the station tonight, you didn’t mob. People tune in every week to
expect to be on our show, did you?” help judge someone for breaking
social rules? This is America,
Diana shook her head. “No, I came supposedly a nation founded by
rebels and free thinkers. Well after seeing your show last
Individuality is supposed to be week about the guy who left his
praised, not punished!” Diana’s wife for a personality-construct,
eyes were fierce. She hadn’t some fratboys at my campus
prepared this speech; she was decided to go smash his terminal
speaking from the heart. The and apparatus. They killed his
audience listened in rapt attention. lover and broke the law for your
‘social rules.’”
“Every week, you condemn
someone for not conforming to the Travis responded with disgust.
will of the majority. You reinforce “Are you seriously defending
the idea that the individual is robosexuality?” He was smirking
supposed to fall in line and act like a jackal.
like everyone else. It’s madness.”
“Who cares who he’s in love with if
“Madness?” asked Travis, “Do you it’s not hurting anybody?”
know what insanity is? It’s the
lone gunman, the crazed “Everybody,” Travis scoffed, “If
protestor, the lunatic fringe. It’s everybody fell in love with robots,
the terrorist who throws rocks at our population would decay and
institutions. Our viewers are the our economy would plummet. A
bread and butter of America. The nation needs new babies. You
law isn’t empowered to persecute can’t just go around pretending
social deviants, but we can. We that robots are people. I’m sorry,
come together to try and make but the person we had on our
America better. More pure.” show last week was deluded, and
delusions like that need a reality
Diana was flustered. “Make check.” The audience responded
America better? By punishing a with light applause.
few people for things which aren’t
even against the law?” Diana was getting worked up. She
bared her teeth to Travis, “So now
“We live by many more rules than we’ve gotta put our society first
legal ones. There are rules to every and our hearts second?”
organized system,” replied Travis
coolly. “For example, there are tons
of ways you can get fired from a
job without breaking the company
policies. These social rules are just
as real as the laws we all live by.
But social rules aren’t enforced by
police, they’re upheld by every
person that participates in them.
Jury of Peers is a natural
extension of an everyday
occurrence.”
Diana reeled as if she’d been
punched. “At my university,
there’s a guy who is in love with a
personality-construct. It’s a robot
with human feelings, basically.
The Dreaming is a roleplaying game which is played in 3D Live Action. The characters are members of a
society which exists in the Dreaming, the place where we go when we sleep. Events in the game world
are coordinated via a social networking site similar to facebook.

Players pick areas of the real world which would be good spots to play. They use Dreamscaping rituals
to give these places a special meaning, and then gather other players there for feasts, tournaments, or
adventures. Characters can put curses on each others territories, or steal them from each other.

When a number of characters gather, they can go on adventures called Dream Walks. The game's
website website hosts a number of Dream Walk scripts you can print out and play. People in your party
will become the monsters and characters you encounter during the adventure.

The Dreaming involves a form of collaborative storytelling. Players document game events by posting
blogs, pictures, or videos to the social-networking site. Adventures and folklore can be written by other
players too.

Sometimes you'll fight monsters or other players. You can get into real-time sword fights using safe foam
"boffer" weapons. Some characters can cast spells by throwing little props called "spell packets".

There are four unique races to choose from, each with their own flavor and motivations. The game's
story is up to the players - you can choose your role within the Dream society. The Dreaming is a great
excuse to get out, meet some new people, and experiment with new ways of having fun. Come play - we
are excited for you to be a character in our story!

(ADVERSTIVEMENT)
Travis dismissed her with a the only correct view point,
wave, “Diana dear, people are that Jury of Peers is evil and
“And Jury of Peers makes
dominated by their base wrong. You think it’s
you angry enough to come
animal instincts. What makes destroying America, but I’ve
down here and protest it?”
us human is that we can got news for you – it is
resist them. That’s one of America.”
“I think a good person has to
society’s benefits: it helps us
fight against what he or she
overcome our animal “No,” snapped Diana, finally
thinks is wrong,” replied
programming. Were it not for losing her temper, “America
Diana.
society’s conditioning, people is like this because it’s been
would be defecating in the spoon fed crap for so many
“Well then you’re our target
streets. There would be crime years they don’t know what
audience,” said Travis with a
and murder. We wouldn’t be real food tastes like. You’re
smile. The audience laughed.
human.” feeding them scraps of
“You’re a person who’s
hamburger meat when they’re
frustrated with the decay of
“That’s not what I’m saying,” hungry for steak. It’s because
civilization, and you want to
she hissed. Travis was of shows like this that nearly
do something about it. I don’t
twisting her words to piss her all public discourse has
see anything wrong with that.
off and it was working. Diana devolved into finger pointing
You’re wrong, but I think it’s
collected herself – she had and name calling. A radical
wonderful that my show has
learned how to resist peer showcase, or a showcase for
motivated you to do what you
pressure and temptation. She radicals? It’s all tits and
think is right.”
just had to focus on resisting beer, flashing lights, violence
the urge to respond and fear. What happened to
Diana blinked. “I’m not
emotionally. She’d sublimate the enlightenment, the
wrong. It’s wrong to condemn
that fire and temper her renaissance? What happened
others just because they don’t
tongue. to the information age?”
follow some imaginary
Diana squinted at the
societal rules. It’s irrational
“Let me ask you something audience, her lips pursed with
mob justice designed to
Diana,” said Travis. “You anger, “You could be a
punish nonconformity and
and your friends watch Jury nation of poets and
unpopularity.”
of Peers every week, don’t philosophers!” she shouted at
you?” them, “Stop being serfs!”
“I am offended,” said Travis
There was an uncomfortable
gravely, “that you would
“Yes, but that’s because we silence.
characterize our audience as
hate it. We’re collecting data
an unthinking mob. They are
to make a case against it.
capable of deciding what’s
Right now I’m writing a term
wrong for themselves. We
paper on how shows like
give them a choice, after all.
yours are shaping the
And if they don’t like either
American narrative into an
option, they can choose to
Us versus Them mentality.”
change the channel and
watch something else.” Off
“I’m guessing Jury of Peers
stage, Hal the producer
gives you more of an
palmed his face.
emotional reaction than
anything else on TV.”
“You,” continued Travis,
“want people to change the
“I don’t watch a lot of TV,”
world, but only if they agree
said Diana with pride, “so,
with you. You think you have
you could say that.”
Travis licked his lips. “If people didn’t want this culture, they’d reject it. But look around – they
embrace it.” Diana was surprised that he didn’t disagree with her. Travis continued, coolly, “And
what would you say to those that don’t want to live in your ivory tower? Too bad? Your opinion
doesn’t matter? You must live in a world where nobody gets hurt? Where nobody gets piercings or
tattoos? We made this materialist bed, and it’s comfy as fuck.” The audience roared, some of them
standing up and cheering from their tattered couches across the country. Others booed. Nobody
changed the channel. They’d have to bleep the “fuck”, this was network TV after all.

From off stage, Hal gestured to Travis, indicating it was time to wrap it up. Diana sighed and
mumbled something,

“What’s that?” Travis asked,

leaning in.

“The tyranny of the majority,” she

said, looking into the bright stage
lights. “Non serviam.”

Travis addressed the camera.

“Remember to log into our website
and cast your vote for who gets to
take a dip.”

During the commercial break

before the verdict was announced,
Diana sipped water. “I’m fucked.”

Travis, perspiring under the stage lights and bourbon, raised an eyebrow. “Nervous about the results?”

“If people agree with me, they won’t participate,” she said. “If I convinced people that it’s wrong to
participate in this mob justice, they won’t vote. So I’ll lose.”

Travis took a long, slow drag off his cigarette.

“People are predictable animals,” he said. “In the end, somebody’s gonna get it.”

They website was bustling with activity. The forums raced as

millions of votes were cast. The tech guys struggled to keep the
website up as record numbers of people jabbered in capslock. Did
Diana blow anyone’s mind? Would Travis, the executioner, be
executed? The audience had never seen that before. Even Travis
didn’t know how it would turn out.
The lights came up. The numbers came in. Hal’s eyes bugged out
– this had to be some kind of record. Travis stood before a rapt
audience.
“Tonight,” he said, “we’ve put ourselves on trial. Not just Jury of
Peers and its charming host,” he said with a wink, “but the
audience itself.” The camera across the sea of faces staring intently
at Travis, then slowly zoomed in on his face as he spoke.
 “Tonight we’ve asked you to characterize yourselves. Do you tune in
every week to see suffering? Or justice?” Travis paused. “Are you a
jury? Or a lynch mob?”
The TV cut back and forth between Travis and Diana, who was standing on the platform atop the
tank of bugs, her nose crinkled with disgust. If she won, she’d be hoisted out of the tank and
replaced by Travis in his expensive suit. If she lost, she’d be taking the plunge into the horrible
tank.

“And tonight,” he said, “a record number of people have cast their vote. The public
has spoken.” He paused as the voting chart was displayed on the screen.
“And Diana is taking a bug bath.”

Across America, the audience rose to their feet,

roaring. Diana screamed like she was in a horror
movie as she plummeted into the filth. Catharsis.

The cameras stayed on her, documenting

every twitch, every thrash, every twist, every
tear. The bugs crawled all over her body as
Travis smoked in silence.

Hal, a silhouette, appeared

beside Travis.

“Big turnout this week,” he said.

Diana felt like she was in a medieval pillory, her

suffering put on display for all to participate in. In olden times,
they’d come by to throw rocks and piss on her. Today they’d turn up the
volume.

“I think,” said Hal, “that a lot of the viewers that don’t usually vote probably
bit down and did it.”

“Yeah?” asked Travis, drunk, watching quietly, “Then why did she lose?”

HAL SHRUGGED
TRAVIS ASKED, “DID YOU FUDGE THE NUMBERS?”

HAL WAS A WORLD AWAY, POKING AT THE DIGITS OF HIS PHONE.

TRAVIS SIGHED, FEELING DIZZY. “WAS IT CLOSE?”

... “NEVER MIND. I GUESS I’D RATHER NOT KNOW.”