gracemusing.

com

CONTENTS
Help!....................................................................................................................... 4
Discovering Depression .................................................................................. 4
Take this Quiz ................................................................................................... 6
My Story ................................................................................................................. 7
longform memoir.............................................................................................. 7
I Think I Have Depression .............................................................................. 9
Think Right, Work out Right and Eat Right ............................................... 10
The myth of mental strength ........................................................................ 13
In search of the root ....................................................................................... 15
Undone by my doing ...................................................................................... 18
Faith ...................................................................................................................... 21
how to deal with anxiety ................................................................................ 21
Lord, Open My Eyes ....................................................................................... 23
How to remain steadfast in times of trouble ............................................. 25
Stories................................................................................................................... 27
Christians with depression speak out ......................................................... 27
Daves Story .................................................................................................... 28
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Elihus Story ............................................................................................................................ 30

Marisas Story .......................................................................................................................... 33
Mikes Story ............................................................................................................................. 35
Davids Story ........................................................................................................................... 36
Confessions ................................................................................................................................. 37
Roots of depression ................................................................................................................ 37
The Prayer ................................................................................................................................39
Confession 1: I am afraid, most of the times The Prayer ................................................ 40
Confession 2: Sometimes, sin lures me ............................................................................... 41
Confession 3: Not everyone loves me, and it hurts .......................................................... 42
Confession 4: Sometimes, I cause the problem .................................................................43
Confession 5: I Am wrong if I think God caused it ........................................................... 44
Resources .................................................................................................................................... 45
Afterthoughts........................................................................................................................... 45
Depression Tests Online........................................................................................................ 47
Christian Books on dealing with Depression .................................................................... 48
Sermons on dealing with Depression ................................................................................. 50

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CHAPTER 1

HELP!
DISCOVERING DEPRESSION

I have been feeling very low for a long time. It is now more than a
year. Every day, I feel worn out, hopeless and sometimes, I do not
want to get out of bed.
The whole of last week I began suspecting I might have depression,
but I was too ashamed to admit it. Fortunately, The Gospel Coalition
posted on Facebook an interview where Randy Alcorn confessed
about his struggle with depression to David Mathis. This gave me
strength to confront the elephant in the room.
Knowing that even sound theologian like Randy Alcorn also
experienced depression comforted me. I was not alone in this
battle. But, I had to verify my fears first.
I took an online depression test offered by the University of
California for its students and staff. The results suggested I had
minor depression and I had to make an appointment with a
physician at the campus counselling center.

I hate clinics, hospitals or any kind of medical building, but I had to

face my fears. I do not believe tablets can take away my worries, but
I need help. I believe God has been walking with me through the
struggles and He will continue doing so.
Watch this video.

Depression is real, even among born again Christians. Every year,

more and more Christians are ending their life due to chronic
depression. Unfortunately, depression remain taboo in Christian
conversation.

TAKE THIS QUIZ

You and I once went through a rough patch. What do you think
actually made you depressed? Your answer to that question
determines if you are a safe person to confide in or dangerous to
those currently depressed. Above all, your view of depression might
make it difficult for Gods grace to give you strength whenever you
have an anxiety attack.

CHAPTER 2

MY STORY
LONGFORM MEMOIR

Light peeped through the rusty window curtains, as I lay awake on

the bed. It was six oclock in the morning, yet I was very exhausted
and drowsy. I did not want to wake up, or do anything, for that
matter.
For more than a year, I had a heavy dark cloud on my shoulders.
Every day, it wore me out and frustrated my mind like a puzzling
algebraic problem. I tried using my deep introspection skills to
isolate the root cause, but failed.
Am I afraid of failure? Is this anything to do with my childhood? Is
it the pressure of living in a new country, learning new cultures and
the burden of raising two kids while studying? I kept asking myself,
but failed to find the answer.
It all started last summer after working tirelessly on my graduate
studies. One day, I woke up with no desire to do go to work or even
study. I thought it was a once of thing, but now it is a year.

My mind and emotions spiral out of control and I did not know what
to do. Each day, I procrastinate, have fits of rage, complain and feel
hopeless more and more. This obstinate wretchedness ruthlessly
taxed my weak and fatigued body.
My eyes ache. My nose is stuffed. My neck is painful. With each
passing second, if I am not rubbing my eyes, I am squeezing my nose
or writhing my head from side to side like a drugged reveler at a
rock concert.
For the past two weeks, I had constipation. I tried taking laxatives,
drinking lots of water and eating fruits. Nothing seemed to work.

I THINK I HAVE DEPRESSION

I have indigestion, I told my wife as she was preparing to go to

work. Surprise works an evening shift at a local department store.
You need to see a doctor, Surprise said as she came from the
kitchen, clad in blue top and black pants, ready to leave for work.
I am glad that Surprise has been by my side since the onset of the
mysterious illness. Several times, like a good and loving wife she is,
she encouraged me, comforted me and when necessary, rebuked
me.
I think I have depression, silence engulfed the room for a few
seconds. Surprise did not see that coming. I joked around and made
her laugh, but she noticed the anger that lay hidden beneath the
smiles. It was an open secret that I had rage for the past few months.
For almost a year, I led a duplicitous life afraid people will know my
true emotions. Alone, I cried and pounded the walls, but
hypocritically exuded grace and charm around other people.
Opening up to my wife about my mental health lifted a weight from
my shoulders.
I was tired of the pretense. The only way I could get over, or get
through, the depression was through honesty. I had to be honest
with family, my friends and myself. How else, would they support
me if they did not know what I was going through?

THINK RIGHT, WORK OUT RIGHT AND EAT RIGHT

I was determined to get better, so I resorted to reading. Most of the

blogs, websites, and health professionals claimed it was all in the
mind. Depression is a battle of the mind where the stronger, but
negative thoughts win.
As a man thinks, so is he, agreed the book of wisdom. A decade ago,
I visited a lawyer, back in Zimbabwe. I wanted him to notarize my
academic certificates. As I walked into the office, I saw a beautifully
framed poster next to abstract oil paint.
THINK. And enjoy the experience.
The message written on the wall captured the power of the mind.
The person who penned these thoughts believed thinking could
bring satisfaction. Unfortunately, my thoughts brought personal
ruin and there was nothing worth enjoying about them
The concept of reasoning your way out of depression is a fancy
fallacy that can only birth more desolation. I tried thinking
positively and rationally, but failed dismally because I could not
control my thoughts. They ruined me like a horrific mental
blitzkrieg.
When my depression got worse, my wife sent a private message to
Mukoma Simba. Surprise knew Mukoma Simba was the only person
I would listen. Like always, she was right.

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Mukoma Simba is my former high school chemistry teacher and one

of the few people in my life I respect. I was lying on the bed half
asleep when Mukoma Simba called. He had heard about my health
problems.
Edmond, you should exercise more often, he advised. When
Mukoma Simba speaks, I listen. I did chemistry in college because
he did chemistry. I am in graduate school because he went to
graduate school. In addition, I play chess because he plays chess.
The only thing I have failed to do that he does well is taekwondo.
After the long phone call, I tried exercising. For two weeks, I ran
one or two miles. If you are a competitive person like me, you are
always tempted to test your limits. One day, I did a 5K and ended up
in the doctors office with a sprained ankle.
With your heart condition, I think cycling to school is enough.
Avoid running long distances and try to wear comfortable shoe,
said the physician after examining my foot X-ray and my medical
records. I do not drink alcohol. I do not smoke. I do not eat eggs or
anything with molten cheese. I love fruits, especially oranges. I
drink at least 40 ounces of water every day. I rarely eat junk food. I
eat healthy foods most of the time.

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As I fumbled out of bed, I wondered why I continued feeling out of

sorts even though I ate right, slept right, exercised right and even
had strong emotional support from my wife. This was the reason I
finally gave in and made an appointment with a therapist.

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THE MYTH OF MENTAL STRENGTH

Most people consider me secure, focused and resilient. Nothing can

break my mental strength, at least I thought. Nevertheless, a visit to
the counseling center proved me wrong.
At only twenty-one, I went through some of the worst mental and
emotional challenges. I lost my mother, became officially poor and
almost dropped out of college due to lack of tuition. Life was
unbearable then.
Around that time, I tutored a girl who was less than sixteen. Instead
of being rewarded for my kindness, I was falsely accused of dating
their child. In Zimbabwe, a twenty-one-year-old cannot date a
child less than sixteen; it is statutory rape.
The false accusation should have broken me, but it did not. I had
unparalleled emotional and mental stability, so I thought. I told
anyone who bothered to listen to me that the truth always sneaks
out at unexpected times like roaches under a rag.
With all my perceived mental strength, Awkwardly, I walked into
the waiting room. A receptionist with a welcoming smile sat behind
a tall mahogany counter. About two dozen blue branded pens lay on
the counter.
I have an appointed with Dr. X, I whispered, trying to mask all
shades of guilt and shame from my voice. The receptionists
contagious smile melted away all my doubts and fears.
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There is a lot of stigma associated with people suffering from

depression. Like most people, I always thought counseling centers
were for crazy people, like Adrian Monk. I was not crazy and I had
no obsessive or compulsive behavior, but I needed help.
I am glad you made it in time, she continued, Go and sit at one of
the computers in the hallway. Complete the survey and Dr. X will
call you.
Three days before, I took three online depression tests. The first
test had more than one hundred questions. I completed the test
after twenty minutes and got a 13/100. I had no depression, but they
recommended visiting a therapist.
It is always good to seek a second opinion, especially when you do
not agree with the results. I took another test from WebMD and the
results suggested I visit a physician as soon as possible.
Since the two online tests were not from trusted sources, I decided
to use a survey approved and recommended for students and staff
in the University of California system. The test suggested I had
minor depression and recommended me to visit the counseling
center.
The next morning, I went to the counseling center and set up an
appointment. This was the reason I sat in the waiting room that day.
I knew I had depression and wanted professional help.

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IN SEARCH OF THE ROOT

I was in the lobby for around twenty minutes when Dr. X walked in.
He was coming from attending another patient. Dr. X was only five
feet six and had no eyeglasses like Adrian Monks therapist.
You are Edmond, right? It was a lame attempt for small talk. I just
nodded my head as he walked me to his office.
The office was far from what I expected. There was no framed copy
of a van Gogh or Picasso, just posters about mental health and
wellness. A small table with three shelves full of books stood behind
his gray chair.
I believe if you can learn a lot about a person by looking at their
library. I once visited a neighbor for Thanksgiving. His library
contained Bible history and Bible times geography books. All the
books were very old, but he was in his mid-thirties.
I told my wife our host was an arrogant, self-important person who
values his opinion more than listening to others. A few months
later, my assessment was proven true.
Dr. X had a handful mental health books and several research
methods and techniques textbooks. He was definitely a graduate
student. I felt relieved because I knew I was talking to someone who
understood the pressure of graduate study.

15

After settling in, I told him about the online tests that I took and the
scores I got. He was not interested in that. Dr. X wanted to know
why I took them and why I suspected I had depression. That was a
tough one.
I have been feeling tired, lazy, bored, angry and helpless since last
summer.
What do you think caused it?
Many things happened last summer, but all of them were good
things. Just before summer, my wife gave birth to our second son. I
wrote a couple of scientific papers for publication. Nothing went
wrong.
Do you think your academic work might be the main cause?
Dr. X opened Pandoras Box. Things were not going well in my
research. My relationship with my advisor was, understandably no
longer amicable. He had his expectation for a Fulbright fellow and I
was failing to meet them.
The Fulbright Fellowship is the most prestigious award for graduate
studies. In 2011, I was one of the only four people to receive the
award in Zimbabwe. Having graduated summa cum laude, it did not
come as a surprise. Nevertheless, it seemed I had failed to live up to
expectations.
Are you a perfectionist?

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Nervously, I chuckled fully aware this was my breakthrough

moment. I am a perfectionist. The kind that gold plate a silver
spoon.
I know can never be the best at anything, but I always strive to do
my best in anything. My work is my pride and I always make sure it
speaks for itself. For many years, I considered perfectionism my
strength, and it was.
Where you always a perfectionist?
No, I was not. It all started when my mother faced death. I was
fifteen.

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UNDONE BY MY DOING

I do not have a daddy problem, but maybe a mommy problem.

Although my dad passed away when I was only nine, I have enough
memories with him that can last a lifetime. I only remember
spending time with him twice, but he convinced me I was his
favorite child.
We lived in an army camp since Dad was a soldier. One day, he took
me to the big city, Bulawayo; he had some important business to
take care of. Dad wanted to visit a lawyer who had an office in a very
tall building, so I rode a lift for the first time. It was the best day of
my life. I will remember it forever. When Dad passed away, Mom
was all I had. I could never imagine spending a day without her. She
was a hardworking, creative and enterprising woman. That is how
she always found food for our table.
A few weeks before Dad passed away, he asked Mom, what she was
going to do to make sure I complete my education. For seven years,
Mom did everything she could to send me to school. It was never
easy and I noticed.
At only twelve, I came up with a brilliant plan. If I excel in the
national seventh grade exams, I will get a bursary and go to high
school free, I told myself. Back then, the Ministry of Education gave
bursaries to top students in Grade 7, Form 2, Form 4 and Form 6
national exams.

18

Although I had several setbacks, for example, my Grade 7 teacher

passed away before the national exams, I studied very hard. The
results came and confirmed the obvious. I had four units, the
highest anyone can ever get.
However, I did not get the bursary. The trend repeated since then
every two years. I would break the records, but fail to get the
scholarship. All I wanted was to help my mother, but I failed.
So, you had to be perfect all those years right? You would not have
received the prestigious Fulbright scholarship if you were but
perfect, right?
I had to be perfect because I was afraid. I did not want to disappoint
my mother. She worked hard to send me to school. Mom deserved
to see her son succeed. Unfortunately, she passed away before I
wrote my Form 4 national exams. I do not have enough memories
with my mother. If only she had lingered longer, she could have
watched as her son sets a new academic record at Chikangwe High
School.
With the passing of Mom, the urgency for perfection increased.
Academic excellence became my only passport to success. If I
wanted to go to college, I had to nail my Form 6 exams in order to
contend for a full scholarship.
But, do you still need to be perfect?

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I am a Fulbright scholar, I graduated summa cum laude, I have won

more than ten academic awards, by the end of the year I would have
published nearly ten scientific players and I have written two books.
Do I still need to be a perfectionist? Does one person who have a
negative opinion of me matter considering they are more than
seven billion people on earth?
I look forward to my next appointment, on Wednesday afternoon.

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CHAPTER 3

FAITH
HOW TO DEAL WITH ANXIETY

Ever since my mother passed away, I have always battled anxiety

and signs of depression. I have learned that having faith in my heart
is an important arsenal against depression.
I once had an opportunity to study in the United Kingdom.
Loughborough University offered a free ride scholarship to African
students. With my several academic accomplishments, I was a
favorite for the scholarship.
But, there was one problem. For my application to be completed,
the scholarship committee wanted at least three references. Two of
my college lecturers wrote the reference letters, but the chemistry
department chairman refused.
He simply looked up at me and said, Sorry Edmond, I am not going
to write that letter.
I was angry, very angry. I ended up having several anxiety attacks.

21

Two years later, I saw an ad on our faculty notice board. The United
States Embassy Public Affairs looked for candidates for the
Fulbright Fellowship. The rest is now history.
Edmond, I knew a better opportunity would come. Loughborough
was only offering a taught Masters degree, now you got Fellowship
for a PhD degree, the chairman later said.
He was watching over me all along and I was too busy being selfish
to notice.
Do you still see what the Lord is doing in your life?

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LORD, OPEN MY EYES

A war once broke out between Assyria, and Israel. Assyria had a
bigger, better and fiercer army than Israel. Strangely, Assyria
continued to fail to annihilate the weak and feeble Israel army.
Whenever the king of Assyria planned an ambush, the plan would
fail. It happened more than twice, and the king suspected there was
a mole on his army. The king was angry and demanded answers.
We are loyal to you, o king, Elisha the prophet is the one warning
Israel, of your plans, one of the soldiers told the king.
One morning, Elishas servant saw the Assyrian army surrounding
their compound. Gripped by fear and anxiety, he told Elisha. Elisha
was not moved, instead he continued with his daily mundane.
I am always filled with anxiety and fear when opposition comes. I
cringe, weep, curse and blame God for the suffering. The problem
is never with the suffering, but where I affix my eyes. Like Elishas
servant, I focus on the Assyrian army and not the fiery army of the
Lord.
Elisha, as a servant of God and a man of wisdom, he did not pray for
the army to go or die. He asked God to open his servants eyes (2
Kings 6:16-17). Elisha knew his servant required faith in his heart to
face the fears around him.

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I think I have been praying amiss all along. The hostile army around
me does not have to go for me to be at peace. I can even have peace
in the storm, if I keep my eyes on the fiery army of the Lord (Isaiah
26:3).

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HOW TO REMAIN STEADFAST IN TIMES OF TROUBLE

Sooner or later, you and I are going to be afflicted, perplexed,

persecuted or struck down (2 Corinthians 4:8-9). But when this
happens, are you going to be crushed, driven to despair, feel
forsaken, destroyed or remain steadfast in faith?
I wish I could say I will remain steadfast, but I will be lying. The
article It Actually Sucks To Be, This Is Why should be a reminder to
you. Like I said in the previous post, suffering reveals the exact
condition of our heart.
I am more like Elishas servant. When trouble lurks around, I freak
out. And like the disciples, I blame my suffering on Jesus, Why are
you sleeping, when the boat is drowning?
Like Elishas servant my eyes are often blindfold (2 Corinthians 4:4).
Many times, I have failed to see the glory of God. Instead of honoring
and praising God, I would grumble and murmur.
When you cannot see the Gods glory, you have no hope or a reason
for faith.
When suffering comes you are crushed because there is no rock in
you, in despair because there is no meaning in you, forsaken
because there is no one with you and destroyed because everyone
is against you.

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I continued in my anxiety because I forgot of the treasure in me.

God gave me a treasure when I received the life of Christ. I carry in
this earthen vessel the dying of Christ Jesus.
In this mortal body, there is a life giving testimony. The story of a
man acquainted with grief, a man of sorrow. He was rejected by his
own, despised by all and no one admired him.
Who has believed what he has heard from us? And to whom has the arm of
the Lord been revealed?

Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our

sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But
he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds
we are healed.
Isaiah 53:1, 4-5 ESV
If you have been struggling with doubt, despair and worthlessness
like me, lets pray to Jesus to open our eyes so that we may have
faith in our heart. How do you deal with doubt, anxiety, depression
and fear in your life? Do you walk in the wisdom of Elisha or cry foul
like Elishas servant?

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CHAPTER 4

STORIES
CHRISTIANS WITH DEPRESSION SPEAK OUT

Depression is complex, but being a Christian with depression is

more complicated. I believe a human being is a spiritual entity with
body, soul and spirit. So, depression can have roots in either of
three, but still can extend its pangs to the other two.
For the Darwinian world, they only have to contend with two
aspects of humans, that is the body and the soul. They argue
physiological methods like dieting, exercising and drugs alleviate
depression. Others depression can be fought through thinking
through, taking a walk, positive thinking and even avoiding negative
people.
As a Christian, I know depression has physiological, psychological
and spiritual roots. Thus, the best way to conquer depression as a
believer should address the body, the soul and the spirit.
If you have depression or know someone who have read the
following stories by Christians with depression.

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DAVES STORY

Have you ever walked into a church on an Easter or Palm Sunday and
your heart was captured by the beautiful decorations? That is the work
of graphic artists, people who worship God through their gifts of visual
expression. Dave Teich is a visual artist and he blogs at In His Image.
His blogs focuses on the Bible in a Year. Despite the remarkable gift and
dedication in writing to equip believers, Dave has depression. This is
his story.
I believe I have been depressed my entire life, but certainly since I
was a teenager (I am 63). For a long time I self-medicated with drugs
and alcohol, which of course made things worse. I went into
recovery in a 12 step program when I was 45 and I am clean over 17
years.
However, depression and anxiety still dominated my life
throughout recovery. God made me a Christian in 2008, and that
was the start of a new life, but the illness was still present. If
anything, it got worse when my wife was diagnosed with cancer in
2009.
Having depression makes it very difficult to enjoy the benefits of
recovery, or the gifts of Gods grace. When my cousin, probably the
person most like me in my family, and maybe the only one who got
me, committed suicide in 2012, I was in a state of near panic all the
time.

28

I decided that I wanted to be better a better man, and medically

better.
Because of my experience as a drug addict, I was not open to
medication while I was in recovery. However, after this event, I
contacted a psychiatrist and went into therapy.
The medication I take does not get me high. It does defeat some of
the very dark thinking, and the anxiety. It also has some unpleasant
side effects, but considering the benefits they are worth it. It has
helped me deal with some very difficult situations in my life,
including an insane workplace and a difficult marriage.
When my wife died last September, my grief was intense. It still is;
I would expect it to be and medication does not take away the pain
of reality. People who have lost their partners tell me theres no
timetable for grief but its a year, two years, before they felt better.
Most tell me that there is always something missing.
I am not afraid of what I feel. There is a difference between sadness
and depression. This is my experience.

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ELIHUS STORY

Elihus Corner is a great blog by Elihu (not the guy from Jobs story :)).
He writes on prayer and many other issues pertinent to Christian living.
He recently wrote an article about depression and Christianity.
I have fought with depression since age 16. Most of the time, I
thought it was just a state of mind. I felt like something was broken
and I didnt know how to fix it.
About a year ago, I had reached a point where getting up in the
morning took great effort. I spent time crying at least once a day. I
couldnt focus, had trouble sleeping and took little pleasure in
things that I had previously enjoyed.
I finally realized that I needed to get help. I found a counselor. She
wasnt from my church. I didnt want anyone I knew personally to
be privy to my private struggles. She listened.
It was something I had desperately needed. She diagnosed me with
severe depression and secondary PTSD. She wanted to put me on
medication, but, as I am averse to SSRIs, I asked for alternative
ideas.

30

Over the course of several weeks, she encouraged me to exercise,

write, and seek to spend time with friends. I resurrected my daily
walking routine, started writing my thoughts, dug deeply in the
Bible, started playing in the local orchestra and sought alternative
treatments for depression.
The best part was the writing, reading and praying. Nothing
happened instantly. It took time for all these things to take effect,
but the changes occurred. My relationship with the Lord deepened
and joy sprung out of my sorrow. The circumstances hadnt
changed, by my perspective did.
The most important thing I learned is that any characteristic God
desires us to have does not come naturally or circumstantially.
Truly joyful people do not exude it by a lack of suffering, but by
learning that the true source of joy is found in Christ alone. My
depression is not gone; I still have days when everything is
oppressive and crushing, but I recognize it for what it is and I know
how (and more importantly, with whom) to fight it.
If you are a preacher, writer, or speaker, please do NOT tell people
in your ignorance that depression is simply a state of mind that you
need to get over. It is far more complex than that. We are fearfully
and wonderfully made. Depression is caused by more than
happenstance. There are physiochemical causes too often ignored.

31

If you are suffering from depression, dont allow it to conquer you.

Allow God to be your shield and strength. Get help from a counselor
who can encourage positive daily habits and who will listen to the
pain.
Its like a detox for the soul. Get the bad stuff out and then fill your
heart with Gods Word. Pour out your grief in prayer. He will be
there. His love is unfailing.

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MARISAS STORY

Marisa Ulrich was one of the first people to follow Naked Christian. Her
brutal honesty as she pours her heart when writing is both refreshing
and enlightening. But, behind the inspiring words is a person who
struggled/struggles with depression. Sadly, she stopped blogging.
I can honestly tell you I do not remember a time when I was not
depressed. Growing in the shadows of abuse left joy as a rare
foreign substance. My first battles with suicide came in middle
school.
I had found Christ, by then, and that was certainly a comfort.
However, the struggle to feel I fit raged on. I never felt I measured
up to others in church. I had one good couple reach out to me there
but still the shadow of depression remained-a physical weight to
torment despite trying to grasp Christ had made me free.
I married in this shadow and hoped that love of another human
being would solve my problem. Naturally, it didnt. The birth of my
children and the self-consciousness at my lack of career weighed
heavy. And, when I found myself abandoned to single motherhood,
suicide was again a very tempting lure.

33

Only my childrens dependence and a headlong plunge into the

Word saved me from death. I went to a therapist or two but it felt
like no one really got me. They were putting Band-Aids on open
wounds. Over time, I felt strength returning and I stepped out into
the world to take care of my blessed babies.
I worked, I got them to doctors, saw diagnoses of autism and
physical delays come to pass. Yet, inside the wounds still ached. I
had another bout of depression and rebelled against God. I sought
comfort in dating and spiraled further down than ever.
This led me to another therapist, who this time officially classified
me as PTSD. She listened without judgment, did not scold me to
buck up like I had heard fellow church members say. This time I
felt understood and it made all the difference. Shortly thereafter, I
met my husband and the fact he understood and lifted me in prayer
and encouraged me in down times further lifted the burden.
Even today, I have my hard days, but I have found when I let him
know, or reach out to someone whether it be through my blog or a
trusted friend, that is key. Silently suffering is the enemy. Of course,
prayer in the most heartfelt and unabashed of fashions has been the
most important step. Even in the hardest of moments when we feel
furthest from Him, prayer has a way of centering us.
I love to think on David and his Psalms and how he laid it all out
there. We must continually lay it all out there. I have nothing against
pills either-they real didnt do a lot for me, but they didnt harm me.
But, holding tight to Him in every battle-that is what sustains me.
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MIKES STORY

Mike Mattice, a Christian blogger you should be following, captured it

well in an email he sent me yesterday:
I was under a good Pastor for many years who, unfortunately, did
not believe that depression could have a physiological cause, but
merely a spiritual state of self-focus. He encouraged me to focus
outward. While thats a good thing, it didnt defeat my clinical
depression, which years later has also been diagnosed as mild
bipolar.
It doesnt shake my faith. But it weakens my ability to consistently
walk according to what I believe and know. I thank God for His
grace, and that His mercies are new every morning. Without that, I
am lost.
As I prepare to go and meet a shrink in few minutes, I savor Mikes
words. Depression shouldnt shake my faith. I never thought I would use
the counselling services at my college, considering I am a born again
Christian.
But, I have to.
I need help.

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DAVIDS STORY

David Dockery is a blogger at Meditations of a 21st Century Christian.

He was generous enough to share his story.
Depression and mental illness is a cross I have had to bear since I
was a third grader. I do not often struggle with it now, but I have
battled with it in the past and I still have my moments.
Life with depression is one devoid of hope. It reduces you to a shell,
one who has existence yet is hollow on the inside. All the intellectual
knowledge of hope in the world isnt enough to dispel the menace
of depression when it sinks its teeth into your heart.
Worse, the guilt I felt while anxious or depressed bothered me
immensely. I knew it was a sin to be anxious, but I was unable to
conjure the feelings of joy that I needed to repent.
Fortunately, God sent godly Christian counselors into my life. They
have always helped me see grace. They have helped me search for
the peace of God in my life. God also sent wise psychiatrists into my
life to help me physically. The combination of the word, wise
council, and medicine has been a consistent help to me throughout
the years.
The thing about depression is that you cant see Jesus in it. He is
invisible, hidden beyond the wall of despair. It is only after the cloud
lifts that you see that God used depression for good.

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CHAPTER 5

CONFESSIONS
ROOTS OF DEPRESSION

The effects of depression on Christian living, spiritual growth and

prayer are considered taboo, it does not mean you should ignore it.
Depression is actually one of the highest causes of suicide among
Christians.
Believers need to take an active role extending the love of Christ to
other Christians who suffer from depression.
Prayer can be a fantastic way to deal with fear and anxiety attacks.
After all Paul advised, inspired by the Holy Spirit (Philippians 4:6),
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and
supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to
God.
So, why is it that 40 million American adults have anxiety disorders,
the numbers dont favor of Christians either?

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Most often, the problem is that believers think being a Christian

make one immune from illogical fears. We remember all the
scriptures Jesus said, Do not be afraid.
On top of that, few Christians own up to depression or any anxiety
disorder because they are afraid of being marginalized or looked
down upon. As a result, prayer becomes a tool of concealing a
problem rather than for allowing God to reveal himself in spite of
our problems.
Renowned 19th century Reformed preacher and theologian, Charles
H. Spurgeon once wrote:
Fits of depression come over the most of us. Cheerful as we may be, we must
at intervals be cast down. The strong are not always vigorous, the wise not
always ready, the brave not always courageous, and the joyous not always
happy.
There may be here and there men of iron to whom wear and tear work no
perceptible detriment, but surely the rust frets even these; and as for
ordinary men, the Lord knows and makes them to know that they are but
dust.

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THE PRAYER

When battling depression, prayer is an important tool that believers

need to embrace. However, the problem is many times we do not
know how to pray. I have found praying the Psalms is helpful in
building up our prayer life.
Psalm 31 is a powerful lament by David highlighting his trust on God
despite his failings and attacks from enemies. I wrote this lament a
month ago after experiencing a hard time in my spiritual life.
I have found praying Psalms helped me in trusting and encouraging
myself in the Lord. Prayer demands honesty, and opening up our
sins at the feet of grace is thus essential.

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CONFESSION 1: I AM AFRAID, MOST OF THE TIMES THE PRAYER

Wars rage around me. And fear grips me. Depression pounces on
my soul like an angry heavyweight boxer.
Will I survive this torrent, an avalanche of personal attacks and
worry?
I cannot walk far lest I step on a landmine. False friends and false
dreams planted explosives around my hopes. I wish to dream, I wish
to believe, but doubt swallows me like a hungry anaconda.
I remember the day when I used to believe that all things are
possible if you only dream. My desires grew strong and mighty like
an acacia tree. The scotching hit and the heavy rains could not touch
me because of the canopy of faith.
But, I stand today a pale shadow of my former self. Stricken by
doubt and stripped by fear as I long for hope.
Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
Psalms 31:9 ESV

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CONFESSION 2: SOMETIMES, SIN LURES ME

I saw a small worm on the ground, innocent and frail, I thought I

could help. With the green leaves and the great shade. The
caterpillar was happy, but called its clan.
I thought the worm if grown and multiply, one day it will be good
for a meal. Dried and fried in the Savannah sun, what a delicacy it
could be. If only I had known the little worm was a monster.
The things I desire and the dreams I had, all gone because of this
little thing. Save me oh God, from these little foxes. Yet, forgive me
for inviting them.
My debts mount and boil like a volcano on the verge of an eruption.
I am afflicted, perplexed, persecuted and struck down. Will I be
crushed, driven to despair, forsaken or destroyed?
For my life is spent with sorrow, and my years with sighing; my strength fails
because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.
Psalms 31:10 ESV

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CONFESSION 3: NOT EVERYONE LOVES ME, AND IT HURTS

I sought for a place to hide when spears and rocks were thrown at
me. They wanted to destroy me, by their words and actions. Tears
were my shield and fear my covering by night.
They laughed when they saw the wounds they inflicted on my body.
They rejoiced when I cried out for help. They thought no one would
stand up for me. Their father, joined in the merriment.
But, you, O Lord, heard my cry. My tears did not run for nothing.
When they boosted they have each other, you whispered, I am with
you always. When no one stood up for me, you did.
They laid snares in my path and rejoice when I fall, but you O Lord,
turned my feet to hinds feet. You set my feet on the high places.
You are my refuge and strength, my rock and fortress.
Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach, especially to my
neighbors, and an object of dread to my acquaintances; those who see me in
the street flee from me. I have been forgotten like one who is dead; I have
become like a broken vessel.
Psalms 31:11-12 ESV

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CONFESSION 4: SOMETIMES, I CAUSE THE PROBLEM

I cried in distress, For how long shall I continue like this? How long
shall my tears be my drink and my sorrow my food? How long shall
I be a laughing stock and the ban of their jokes?
I am nothing. I have nothing. My life is nothing. I am a scar in their
modern conscience. Every day, they remind me of my nothingness
as they plot to take away what matters to me.
You laugh, O God, when you see their schemes against me. You are
angered, Father when you see the weapons they formed against me.
But, in your anger, Lord, remember mercy.
For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your names sake you lead me
and guide me; you take me out of the net they have hidden for me, for you
are my refuge.
Psalms 31:3-4 ESV

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CONFESSION 5: I AM WRONG IF I THINK GOD CAUSED IT

Do not repay them according to what they did against me. Remind
them of how great is the one in me. Show them, no weapon crafted
for my downfall shall prosper. Because, you are the Lord of Lords.
When my family suffered, my school work poor and my finances in
doldrums, I cried out, My God, my God, why have you forsaken
me? I thought you had repaid me for my sins.
But, you are the Lord who forgave me. You surrounded me with
your love and blessed me with your goodness. My heart is filled with
joy and my heart with gladness. For you, O Lord, are good.
This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his
troubles.
Psalm 34:6

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CHAPTER 6

RESOURCES
AFTERTHOUGHTS

The clinical symptoms of depression are an unceremonious

obstruction to the pleasures of God. For example, a common sign of
depression is lack of concentration, hence Christians with
depression often fail to stay their mind on Christ when depressed
(Isaiah 26:3).
It is a painful experience, trust me.
Although I have mild clinical depression symptoms, my faith had
never been any stronger. Despite my depression, I wrote a book on
how to pray. Between bouts of anxiety and melancholy, I regularly
write on a blog that has 4,700 followers, more than 60,000 unique
visitors averaging 200 page views per day.
Depression does not make me a less Christian. It does not even
mean my faith is weak. Like David, Moses, Hannah or Elijah,
through my depression I have an opportunity to witness the
goodness and comfort of God.

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I have learned to see Christ in the dark clouds and behold the glory
even when faced by the fiery darts of mental torture. I have learned
a valuable lesson, there is something more than a physical
treatment of depression it is finding hope in suffering, peace in
tumult and faith in doubt (2 Corinthians 4: 7-10).
In Christians Get Depressed Too, David Murray wrote:
But Christians dont get depressed! How many times have you thought that,
said that, or heard that? How many times have Christian pastors and
counselors made this claim, or at least implied it? If it is true that Christians
dont get depressed, it must mean either that the Christian suffering from
depression is not truly depressed, or he is not a true Christian. But if this
notion is false, what extra and unnecessary pain and guilt are heaped upon
an already darkened mind and broken heart!
Unfortunately, most people box the causes of depression and blame
only sin as the cause of depression. This is very wrong. Instead of
giving comfort, this view mounts guilt and shame on the suffering.
Below is a monstrous collection of resources that may help you or a
loved one battling depression, anxiety or fear.

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DEPRESSION TESTS ONLINE

If you suspect you might have depression, I recommend taking an

online test. Its wiser to take one or more tests from different
sources. Whatever result you find its good to talk to a mature,
trustworthy Christian about your problem.
The resources listed below are from trusted websites from
academic, health and government institutes.
1. National Health Services, United Kingdom
2. Mental Health Centers of Central Illinois
3. The Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression Scale
4. United States Department of Veterans Affair
5. Anxiety and Depression Association of America
6. Psychology Today, Depression Test
7. WebMD, Depression Assessment

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CHRISTIAN BOOKS ON DEALING WITH DEPRESSION

Theyre thousands of books available on dealing with depression

and anxiety, some good, many very bad. There is a lot of controversy
surrounding biblical counselling, so you have to be careful which
book you read.
Theyre authors who blame demonic oppression as source of
depression. Of course, depression can be caused by demonic
activity sometimes. A Christian cannot be demon possessed, only
oppressed. So, a book that recommends casting out of demons is a
big no-no.
Some authors believe depression is entirely of physical origin. Such
books will recommend breathing techniques, eating habits,
hormonal therapy and anti-depressants. Of course, God gave the
wisdom to dieticians and doctors, but humans are not only physical.
You and I have a body, a soul and a spirit.
Then theres the positive thinking camp. Think right and you will be
right. These books are very dangerous as the may lead to
frustrations if the depression has physical or spiritual origin. You
cannot think yourself out of guilt or shame or hormonal imbalance.
Depression needs an integrated approach and the authors of the
books I recommend understand that.

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1. Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Its Cure D. Martin

Lloyd-Jones
2. Walking with God through Pain and Suffering Timothy Keller
3. The Grand Weaver: How God Shapes Us Through the Events of
Our Lives Ravi Zacharis

4. Christians Get Depressed Too David Murray

5. Depression: Looking Up from the Stubborn Darkness Edward
T. Welch
6. When the Darkness Will Not Lift: Doing What We Can While We
Wait for Godand Joy John Piper

7. Glorious Ruin: How Suffering Sets You Free Tullian

Tchividjian
8. Unmasking Male Depression: Recognizing the Root Cause to
Many Problem Behaviors Such as Anger, Resentment,
Abusiveness, Silence, Addictions, and Sexual Compulsiveness

Archibald Hart
9. Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety: Becoming a Woman of
Faith and Confidence Elyse Fitzpatrick

10. Lost Virtue of Happiness: Discovering the Disciplines of the

Good Life J.P. Moreland and Klaus Issler

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SERMONS ON DEALING WITH DEPRESSION

If you are struggling with depression the following sermons might

help you get out of the slumber. I have listened to all of them and
highly recommend them.
1. Dealing with Depression: Trusting in Gods unfailing love
during times of despair Alistair Begg

2. Spiritual Depression in the Psalms: Thinking and Feeling with

God John Piper

3. The Wounded Spirit Timothy Keller

4. Praying our Fears Timothy Keller
5. Overcoming

Depression-Anxiety:

Suffering

Paradigm

(Seminar Videos) Brad Hambrick

6. When Godly People Get Depressed JD Greear

7. Blame It on the Brain Ed Welch
8. If I am a Christian, Why am I Depressed? Robert B.
Somerville
9. Medication and Despair Ed Welch and
10. Can

Christians

Get

Depressed? An

Interview

Depression with Dr. David Murray

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ABOUT
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Edmond Sanganyado is a writer, scientist, and family man.

He lives in Riverside, California with his wife, Surprise, and two
sons, Chesed and Channiel and listens to Phil Wickham, reads
anything he finds, eats anything his wife cooks and loves tacos.
Read more at gracemusing.com/about
Connect with him:
Email | Blog | Resources | Twitter | Facebook

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