Brother Bobcats Un-BEAT-able Menu

By Patricia Backora
Based on my current project:

Brother Bobcats Barf Burgers

Notice to Our Customers:

Much as this Truth in Advertising Law goes against our
deeply held conservative principles and tramples on our civil
liberties, God commands us to obey, though were doing so
under protest. So heres a list of the choice ingredients that
go into your SPANK-tacular dining experience:
Churchy Cheese: Emulsified cheese shot with a pressure gun.
Bobcat Batter: carbonated H2O, flour, lard, powdered egg, gunp, I
mean, baking powder!, cayenne pepper, salt

Green Pasture Sauce: pulverized green tomatoes, green chilis,

cilantro and secret herbs and spices found by the wayside.
Woodshed Sauce: HICKORY smoke, malt vinegar, cayenne pepper,
crab apple puree and black STRAP molasses.
Blessing Burger Patties: 6 oz. patties ground up from Contented
Cows (euthanized horses), lard, soya grits, egg (powder), H2O, brown gravy mix,
prime butcher cuts (butcher scraps),
salt, pepper, then coated with
cornmeal and deep-fried in (recycled cottonseed) oil to a crispy brown.
Hellfire Sauce: Jalapeo puree, Birds eye chili peppers, cayenne
pepper, salt, cornstarch and malt vinegar.
Dixie Devil Dip: White cornmeal, flour, baking powder, cayenne
pepper, salt, egg (powder), shortening (lard), buttermilk.
Onion Haloes: Pre-shaped onion-flavored starch rings coated in
Bobcat batter and deep-fried (in recycled cottonseed oil). $1.67
Chicken Brick: Choice chicken chunk filet (reconstituted chicken scraps) pressed
into a brick and coated with Bobcat Batter for frying.
Chicken Slab: Choice chicken filet
rectangle for grilling.

(reconstituted chicken scraps)

pressed into a

Carp Croquette: Freshly caught (freshly frozen) filet of carp, sourced from
Paddle Creek, ground up (bones and all), mixed with cracker crumbs, salt,
pepper, egg (powder), and jalapeo puree.
Sassy Slaw: Shredded cabbage, mayo, malt vinegar, cayenne pepper,
sugar, horseradish mustard and secret herbs and spices.
You Cant BEAT Our Unique Treats!
Faith Fries-Frozen potato planks nuked to defrost, then fried (in
cottonseed oil), (heavily) salted and kept hot under our Hellfire Heat Lamp.
Small-$1.22 Medium-$1.65 Large-$1.96 Jumbo-$2.13 Pigout-$2.16
Church House Chili: Ground steak (horse butt) tomatoes, pinto beans,
onions, hot peppers, and plenty of traditional Texas seasonings.
By the cup-$1.14 By the bowl-$2.34 OR By the tub-$3.33

The Woodshed Weiner: Delicious foot-long dog made of prime pork

cuts (pulverized scraps & guts) and skewered on a HICKORY SWITCH. . Coated
in our special Dixie Devil Dip and deep-fried (in cottonseed oil) to a crunchy
brown. Served with an array of saucy dips. $2.97
The Hot Rod: Devilishly delicious dog marinated overnight in our very
own Hellfire Sauce, nuked, and served on a foot-long bun blistered on
the grill. Topped with fiery jalapeos, Churchy Cheese Sauce, and
extra Hellfire Sauce. Not for sissies!
Chicken Bits: 13 Breaded, bite-sized nuggets
chicken scraps). Deep fried (in cottonseed oil). $2.72

(formed from discarded factory

Woodshed Ranch Beans: Pintos PRESSURE-cooked in our own

special Woodshed Sauce. Prepared with lots of love (lard). $1.58 per cup
$1.73 per bowl. Health warning: Eat 2 bowls and youll blow up!
Macho Nachos: Fried corn chips buried under (leftover) chili and heaped
with Churchy Cheese Sauce, then topped with a generous dollop of
Hellfire Sauce and jalapeos. $2.73
Heavenly Hash Hero Breakfast Sandwich: Refried treats (leftover
scraps) topped with gooey egg, whole hog sausage and bacon, served
between two BUTT-ered waffles. Waste not, want not! $3.88
The Bend Over Burrito: Big slab of steakburger (horse flank filet) folded
over jack cheese, Woodshed Ranch Beans, and Hellfire Sauce.
Wrapped in our special Tortilla Tent and nuked till piping hot. $2.77

Brother Bobcats Burgers

Sandwich Menu:
The Itty-bitty Burger: ONE Blessing Burger patty served on a plain
bun. Served with mayo, mustard, onion, ketchup, pickle. Thats it.
$1.56 Cheese is 53 extra.
Steeple Stack: Bobcat Patty, Churchy Cheese, pickles, onion haloes,
baloney, Woodshed Sauce, fried whole hog sausage, Green Pastures
Sauce, fried green tomato. Served on a High-Rise Fun Bun. $3.33

Deacon Delite: Blessing Burger Patty, Jack Cheese, Green Pasture

Sauce, fried chicken brick, mayo, lettuce, all on a seeded bun. $3.46
The Gluttonous Maximus: Two Blessing Burger Patties served on
twin Fun BUNS, layered with Churchy cheese, stacked with two deepfried chicken chunks, baloney, Churchy Cheese, onion haloes, pickle
and mayo. Double the fun. $3.97
Bobcat Burger: 2 8-oz top sirloin (horse BUTT) patties dotted with
creamy Fatback Pellets and Bacon Bullets, rolled in cornmeal and
deep-fried to a golden brown. Stacked with Onion Haloes, then
smothered in Churchy Cheese and topped with zesty horseradish.
Served on a grilled Battleship Bun. $3.99
Bubba Burger: Deep-fried whole hog sausage topped with Churchy
Cheese, baloney, mayo and pickles, served on loaf bread. $2.02
Bible Belt Buster: A WALLOPING meal on a bun! Three fried 8-oz.
Blessing Burger patties layered with Churchy Cheese, Woodshed
Sauce, bacon, onion haloes and fried green tomatoes. Served on a
grilled Battleship Bun. $4.04
Trucker Treat: Blessing Burger Patty, Churchy Cheese, ham slab,
gooey egg, hash browns, whole hog sausage, bacon, jalapeo and
Woodshed Sauce, all on a grilled Battleship Bun. $4.44
Texas Trillionaire: Two grilled 8 oz. Top Sirloin (Horse Flank) Burgers,
nestled on a Battleship Bun, layered with Jack Cheese, avocadoes,
onion haloes, bacon, green chili, and Green Pastures Sauce. $4.76
Sister BLISTER Burger: Blessing Burger Patty, Woodshed Sauce,
Onion Haloes, Green chili, Hellfire Sauce. All on a seeded bun. $2.73
Welfare Bum Burger (our ONLY vegetarian option and our ONLY
ECONOMY burger). Mashed Woodshed Ranch Beans mixed with (stale)
cracker crumbs, coated with Dixie Devil Dip and boiled in (cottonseed) oil
till brown and crisp. Topped with Hellfire Sauce and packed in (used)
newspaper to save costs. $1.11
Green Pastures Burger: Two Blessing Burger Patties piled high with
Jack Cheese, jalapeo relish, avocadoes, pickles, Green Pasture Sauce
and Onion Haloes, all on a High-Rise Fun Bun $2.94

Colossal Carp Burger: 8-ounce Carp Croquette deep-fried and served

on a Battleship Bun slathered with mayo and heaped with Sassy Slaw
and Green Pasture Sauce.
Crabby Cajun Crawdabs: Alaskan crab (scraps) mixed with authentic
crawdad fresh from Okeefenokee Swamp. Prepared with seasoned
bread crumbs, herbs and buttermilk, then rolled into nifty little
nuggets, breaded and fried to a golden brown. Served with Hellfire
Sauce. $3.42
Little Spanky Meal: Itty-bitty burger served with small Faith Fries
and SIN-sational Cookie. Choice of milk or Sissy Size Soda. Little
Spanky Toy included. $3.23 Cheese 53 extra.

Choice of Little Spanky Meal Toys:

Holey Paddle Key Chain
Moosehead Mack Magic Ring
Bank of Heaven Quarter
Shotgun Peanut Shells
Woodshed Warrior Action Figure
Dipstick Dan Race Car
Wally the Wasp Wall Sticker
Flying Spankster T-Shirt Patch
Praying Paddle Bible Bookmark

Dieters Delites:
(So you wont come back)

STUFF-YOUR-GUT SISSY SALAD BAR: Recycled sprouts, corroded

carrots, tired trail mix, birdseed, fraying fruit cocktail, musty onions,
upchuck cheese, pooped peppers, limp lettuce, wrinkled peas, mushy
melon, petrified chili, yellowed sour cream, curdled salad dressings in
crusty crocks. Eat ALL you want, cause thats the only heaven youll
ever git! If ya dont like it, dont come back! $3.99

Lardy Ladies Lite Luncheon:

The Skinny Minnie: Cottage cheese, grilled chicken slab, bacon,
lettuce and tomato, imitation mayo. Served on a cellulose bun. $2.57
The Saddlebag Sue: Grilled Porterhouse (Porterhorse) steak nestled on a
lettuce leaf, topped with (canned) mushrooms and carrot curlicues. $5.03

DIET DESSERTS
Mango Mist: Gelatin and egg white, whipped with a pinch of Mango
Puree and Saccharine. Chilled and topped with a mint leaf.
Foggy Fudge Fantasy: Heaven in a spray can! Let your imagination
run wild, cause thats the only way youll get down to a size 0!
Sorry gals, thats it! Take it or leave it!
Our very own Un-BEAT-able Beverages
Dr. Paddler
Bobcat Cola
Bobcat Boot Beer
Heaven Up
Cold Tea (Thats the AMERICAN way to drink it)
Sissy Size 16-oz $1.38
Quick Swig: 32-oz $1.61
Big Bucket: 64-oz. $2.24
Horse Trough: 90-oz. $2.56
pint milk $1.02
Chocolate milk 11 extra
Hot Beverages:
Cowboy Coffee
$1.22/cup $2.42/man-size mug
Creamer and sugar 52 extra or BYO
Hellishly Hot Chocolate
$1.32/cup $2.22/man-size mug
WHIPPED Cream 64 extra

Diet Drinks:
17-oz. bottle Sulfur Springs Water $2.04
Tap water FREE (IF you bring your own cup)
Cup of Ice: 91

DIABOLICAL DESSERTS
Malachi Milkshake: Finish it in fifteen minutes and its FREE (no
sharing)! 48-oz creamy cranberry I-Scream WHIPPED and TITHE-dyed
with green Pray Paint and Caramel Curses. $3.10
FUN-damental Fudge: Two big chunks of Chocolate heaven to
celebrate your own Personal Pigout Day. A sin worth repenting of!
Crabapple Cupcake: A sassy treat you can BEAT with your teeth.
Baked with crabapples fresh from Brother Bobcats alleyway. $1.32
Fried Persimmon Pie: Made from persimmons fresh from Brother
Bobcats bird sanctuary. Swaddled in a slab of lard pastry, then deep
fried to a golden brown and slathered with BUTT-er icing. $1.48
SIN-sational Cookie: A SPANKTACULAR speckled delite! A massive
peanut butter cookie shot through with cinnamon BBs, chocolate
chunks and BUTT-ery pralines. $1.44
Woodshed Paddle: A whole foot of holey fun! 1-inch thick peanut
brittle board full of holes, with a taffy handle. Git yore licks on one end
before you swaller it at the other end. Be sure and sign it before you
eat it! Your dentist will thank you for ordering it! $2.17
Punitive Prune Whip: Our unique triple treat! Prune puree swirled
with Beet Ambrosia and Grecian Yogurt. Topped with pickled (petrified)
walnuts, Persimmon Sauce, Caramel Curses and Whipped Topping. A
TOP SECRET family recipe handed down for ten generations. Treat your
mother-in-law! Shell GO for it!
Fried Fudge Sundae: Decadent Fudge boulders bury a mountain of
BUTT-er BRICK-le I-scream. Next its wrapped in a big sugary crepe.
Then its all dipped in our own special Bobcat Batter and quick-fried (in
cottonseed oil), then yanked out before we flood it in Chocolate Chastening
Syrup. Then its buried under an avalanche of WHIPPED topping and a
landslide of pecan pralines rolled in powdered sugar. $3.21

Paddleboat Banana Split: Same as above, except its heaped with

caramelized (cremated) banana spears blistered on a red hot grill.
Thats all, folks! Yall come back now!

(Most of you, anyway!)