CHAPTER TWO

Friendships between introverts and extroverts

It was written in a post on Sophia Demblings blog The Introverts Corner
about friendship between introverts and extroverts in which she said, among
other things:
I do like having extroverts among my friends because when I want a
little razzle-dazzle, its fun to know someone who makes things happen. When
youre in the mood, an extrovert is a happy noise. Extroverts are game, theyre
up for it, whatever it is, and that lifts my energy.
An extrovert who commented on the post gave Dembling (2012) a
spanking for that paragraph, saying: If thats truly the way you perceive your
relationships with extroverts, then I hope you can understand why people can
get the impression of arrogance. I dont have to be in the mood to spend time
with my friends, regardless of their intro- or extroversion. Friendship shouldnt
be conditional on your mood.
Sophia Dembling understands why this reader took umbrage, but she
thinks this is a pretty good representation of one way introvert/extrovert
friendships hit problems. Extroverts dont know what it means to not be in the
mood for people, so they might take it personally when an introvert says, I
think Id rather stay home tonight.
Dembling said, Let me be clear-if a friend needs me, I am there,
whatever my mood. Thats my definition of friendship: Friends are there for each

other. But its different when were talking about plain old lets-get-together fun.
In that case my mood most definitely matters and that is a reflection on nobody
but me. This says nothing about how much or little I like the person extending
the invitation. It says nothing about how much I value my friendships. It passes
no judgment on what other people do.
All it means is that as an introvert, introverts have limited need, desire,
and capacity for socializing, and especially for extrovert-style socializing, which
tends to involve some fuss and bother.
Introverts face a lot of pressure from other people to behave in ways that
are against their nature. Introverts have been sold a bill of goods about the
superiority of extroversion. Introverts have been taught that the desire
for solitude is peculiar and possibly even suspect. Introverts have been shamed
for their ambivalence toward (in some cases, sheer loathing of) parties.
Introverts have been pitied because they prefer maintaining just a few close
friendships rather than a gang of running buddies. And now were told that not
being in the mood for people all the time makes us bad friends.
Woe is us, we are so misunderstood. Bridging the introvert-extrovert
friendship gap requires a little understanding on both sides. So here are three
important things extroverts should keep in mind about their introverted friends:
1. Introverts need for solitude has nothing to do with you. Its just the way we
are.

2. Introverts are a lot more fun to be with when we have adequate alone-time.
When they push past their capacity for interaction, we can get grumpy.
3. Introverts idea of fun is different from yours. Thats why we might decline
a more-the-merrier invitation and invite you to a quiet dinner instead.
And what should introverts keep in mind about their extroverted friends?
1. Extroverts only want us to enjoy life as much as they do. They might be
annoying, but they are doing it with love.
2. Extroverts are not mind readers. If we dont express and explain our needs,
they will try to guess and will probably get it wrong.
3. Extroverts also enjoy quiet pastimes, so we have to take the initiative and
extend invitations for introvert fun sometimes.
Like

any

other

relationship,

introvert-extrovert

friendships require

communication and compromise. This means introverts need to speak up, and
extroverts need to listen.
http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/guest-post-friendships-between-introvertsand-extroverts/
This journal is used as a basis on how introverts and extroverts adjust to
each other as friends and how each of them would understand each other.

How Introverts and Extroverts Can Peacefully Coexist

Ever since Carl Jung first started giving people their personality types,
there's been a divide between the introvert and extrovert camps. It's possible to
bridge that gap, though. Here's how to coexist with different personality types.
The introverts of the world often feel the weighty pressure of socializing
with large numbers of people often, while the extroverts get restless when
they're home alone for too long. Of course, this is a dramatic oversimplification
of these two ideas. Perhaps first some definitions are in order.
What Do These Terms Really Mean?
Part of the trouble with talking about introverts and extroverts is defining
just what these words mean. "Introvert" isn't just code for "I don't like people."
Nor does "extrovert" mean that you can fly from one conversation to the next
with the greatest of ease. Perhaps the way to best define the difference
between introversion and extroversion (unless you're conducting scientific
psychological studies) is by answering the question "How do you relax best?"
As one author puts it:
The key difference is how the person recharges. Which environment best
juices your batteries? Some people charge their batteries by surrounding
themselves with other people; those are the extroverts. Being alone in focused
solitude is draining for extroverts. Others charge their batteries by finding alone

time; those are introverts. Being in a social setting is draining for introverts.
(Melonakos, 2013)
Put another way: well-rested introverts can (theoretically) handle large,
intense social situations just fine if they've had time to recharge. Similarly, if an
extrovert has had plenty of time to be around people and find that stimulation
they crave, staying home alone isn't going to feel as crippling as if you ask them
to do so on Friday night after they've been cooped up in an office all week.
It's also helpful to think of introversion and extroversion as being
somewhat similar to being right or left handed. Most of us will be one or the
other, but writing with your right hand doesn't render your left hand inert.
Similarly, an extroverted person can still do things that aren't typically
associated with extroversion. Meanwhile, introverts can learn to adapt to more
extroverted scenarios, even if it might not come as naturally.
The most important thing, when you're trying to find that common ground
with people who think differently from yourself, is to personalize your
experiences. The absolute worst thing you can do with either type is use a
single word to define your approach. If someone says "I'm an introvert," don't
interpret that as "Leave me alone all the time." Talk with them about what they
need personally. By the same token, "I'm an extrovert" doesn't necessarily
mean "Woo! Let's party all the time!"
http://lifehacker.com/how-introverts-and-extroverts-can-peacefully-coexist638422576

This journal is used as a reference for breaking the stereotypes of

introverts and extroverts, and to add information on whom they really are.

Identifying Leadership: Correlations between Introversion-Extroversion

and Leadership Qualities
From the results above, it can be concluded that there is no significant
relationship between the personality traits of introversion/extroversion and the

five qualities of leadership as defined by Kouzes and Posner. Therefore, the

hypothesis stating that there would be significant, positive correlations between
extroversion and leadership scores among the five subscales of leadership
qualities is incorrect. While there were no significant correlations among any of
the five subscales of leadership at the .05 level, it is interesting again to note
that the level of significance for challenging the process was measured to be .
067. Perhaps with further experimentation and both a larger and more diverse
sample population, a significant correlation would be found. As to the strength of
this correlation, the very nature of an extrovert and their tendency to enjoy
voicing their opinion are offered as a partial explanation. Conversely, the
tendency of an introvert to prefer time to oneself, might offer less opportunities
to make his opinion heard.
Another interesting observation is the higher mean scores for extroverts
as opposed to introverts among the five subscales of leadership, minus
modeling the way. This mirrors previous research and literature review
suggesting that extrovert leaders are seen more in the public eye, and thus are
recognized more as possessing these qualities. As for the difference with
introverts having a higher average in modeling the way, refer back to the
literature review where Kouzes and Posner tell the story of Robert Gordon, the
owner of a group of convenience stores who works with other upper level staff
in the stores on holidays so that his other employees can have the day off
(Kouzes & Posner, 1995). Gordon and his upper level staff do not make a large
public announcement about this, but rather they lead by example and set a

quiet precedent for his employee which models the way. While it is not known if
Robert Gordon is an introvert, his actions would tend to lead one to believe he
might possibly be. However, it is also important to remember that modeling the
way showed the least amount of significance in being tied to personality.
While no significant relationships were found in regards to personality,
from a leadership standpoint, students at a private, conservative college
campus on a whole ranked comparatively to a group of 1,200 students
surveyed by Kouzes and Posner. In regards to challenging the process and
inspiring a shared vision, students ranked in the 44th percentile. Students
ranked in the 25th percentile in enabling others to act. In regards to modeling
the way, the students ranked in the sih percentile. Lastly, students ranked in the
43rd percentile in encouraging the heart. It is therefore interesting to observe
that students at this particular university ranked slightly lower than the average
population on a whole. Kouzes and Posner would classify these ratings as
moderate (Kouzes & Posner, 1998). The lowest ranking when compared to the
Kouzes and Posner study, enabling others to act, could be explained by the
recent trends of individualization and stagnation present within our society over
the past few years. Children are being taught to rely almost solely upon
themselves. Along with this, children have become more and more
lackadaisical, unwilling to act and initiate. Secondly, this could be explained as
the campus on which this study was done having few people willing to empower
others, leading them towards a common goal. In any case, the means of scores

on this campus, though slightly lower in most subscales, falls in line with
previous research.
In further experimentation, a larger sample size could yield additional
insight into any other correlations or relationships present. The larger sample
size could also allow for the study of differences in results due to gender,
education level, and current position or lack of leadership. In order to minimize
regional and societal differences, subjects could be tested at various locations
around the country or world. While this study was aimed at exploring the
differences present among college age students as a predictor of leadership in
future employment positions, Kouzes and Posner have another inventory
available for working-age individuals. The Leadership Practices Inventory is
their original inventory developed after studying leadership in the workplace.
Furthermore, while only the personality traits of introversion/extroversion were
examined in this study, relationships could be studied using the remaining three
personality descriptive as identified by a Myers-Briggs inspired personality test:
sensing or intuitive; thinking or feeling; and perceiving or judging.
In conclusion, while there is no significant relationship between
introversion/extroversion and the five qualities of leadership, the personality of
an individual still has tremendous influence on their actions as a leader.
Personality by its very definition lends itself to interaction and functioning with
other people. Personality is the "distinctive qualities of a person, especially
those distinguishing personal characteristics that make one socially appealing"
(Dictionary. com). Should a leader not be appealing, it is unlikely those following

him will feel passionate about the goal, let alone follow at all. Perhaps the
personality and make-up of an effective leader is something that cannot be
studied; perhaps it is an innate gift developed over time. One thing is for certain:
for the rest of time that man is on earth, there will be leaders and those who
follow. Through further study, one can only hope to make the discovery of what
will help to identify tomorrow's leaders.
http://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?
article=1154&context=honors
This thesis is used as a reference as it discusses on how introverts and
extroverts correlate in society.

Introversion: Shyness versus Sociability

There are several important implications of these findings, the first of

which is that our theory about why introverted individuals would be especially at
risk of experiencing an elevation in depressive symptoms following the
occurrence of a stressful 47 interpersonal life event needs revision. It was
proposed that interpersonal losses might be especially likely to be severe, and
therefore particularly depressogenic events for introverts. This reasoning was
based upon the idea that such events have a greater probability of representing
losses of core relationships, given that introverts are low in sociability and
consequently have small social circles. However, the results of these studies
suggest that the original proposition may be more consistent with the definition
of shyness than with introversion per se.
Shyness, according to Cheek and Buss (1981), is defined as discomfort
and inhibition when in the presence of others, whereas sociability refers to the
desire or tendency to affiliate with others and to prefer the company of others to
being alone. The two terms have often been used interchangeably or
synonymously; however, Cheek and Buss have found shyness and sociability to
be two distinct personality dimensions, as indicated by the formation of two
separate factors in their factor analysis, as well as a moderate negative
correlation between them (R = -.30). Our proposition that introverted individuals
might have smaller social circles fits well with the concept of shyness, where
discomfort and inhibition in the presence of others might impede the formation
of a large number of significant social relationships.

However, the integrative model of introversion (Watson & Clark, 1997)

highlights (low) sociability, not shyness, as one of its primary components.
Using this conceptualization, more introverted individuals are expected to be
less interested in social relationships and therefore may not be as personally
invested in romantic relationships. Such an attitude toward interpersonal
relationships would likely serve as a protective factor by reducing the severity of
interpersonal

loss

events,

thereby

buffering

individuals

48

from

the

psychological pain and increase in depressive symptoms generally associated

with severe life events. Thus, it is probable that the more introverted individuals
in these studies did not have additional elevations in depressive symptoms
(Study 1) and had smaller decreases in PA (Study 2) following the experience of
a romantic loss because they are less invested in such relationships and,
therefore, did not experience the losses as severe or as losses of core
relationships. In other words, the experience of the romantic break-up likely did
not result in depressive symptom increases above and beyond their already
elevated level for introverts because introverts were not as affected by the loss.
https://curate.nd.edu/downloads/und:9019s180629
This thesis was used as a reference for the integrative model of
introversion by Watson & Clark in 1997.

References:
Unpublished Materials
Burrus Jill D. & Kaenzig, Lisa. (September 1999).
Forgotten Factor Impacting the Gifted.

Introversion: The Often

Article, Virginia Association for the

Gifted Newsletter
Cummins, Lori F.

(December 2011).

INTROVERSION, INTERPERSONAL

LOSS, AND SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION. Unpublished Thesis, Graduate

School of the University of Notre Dame
Dow, Sharron E. (2013). The Invisible Students in the Classroom: How to
Include the Introverts without Excluding the Extroverts. Unplublished Thesis,
Education and Human Development Masters Thesis
Hinkley, Tom.

(May 2005).

Identifying Leadership: Correlations between

Introversion-Extroversion and Leadership Qualities.

Unpublished Thesis,

Honors Program Liberty University

Electronic Materials
Dembling, Sophia. (July 2012). Guest Post: Friendships between introverts
and extroverts. Retrieved from: http://www.thefriendshipblog.com/guest-postfriendships-between-introverts-and-extroverts/
Helgoe, Laurie Ph.D. (September 2010). Revenge of the Introvert. Retrieved
from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/20108/revenge-the-introvert

Ravenscraft, Eric. (July 2013). How Introverts and Extroverts Can Peacefully
Coexist. Retrieved from: http://lifehacker.com/how-introverts-and-extrovertscan-peacefully-coexist-638422576
Sword, Lesley. (2002). The Gifted Introvert. Retrieved from:
http://highability.org/the-gifted -introvert/