Documente Academic
Documente Profesional
Documente Cultură
Brenda Schaeffer
Abstract
The power of sexual love is unequaled in
human experience. Sex is not addiction; addiction is not sex. But these two experiences
can come together and result in sexual addiction or compulsivity. This article defines
sex addiction, summarizes the history and
research that supports the idea of sex addiction, identifies 20 characteristics of sex addiction, discusses patterns and treatment issues, and summarizes how transactional analysis has been used in therapy with individuals
with sexual addiction. The article includes
case examples to clarify how sex addiction
affects individuals and their partners.
______
W hat Is Sexual Addiction?
Sexual addiction is an excessive sexual behavior that, if left unattended, eventually causes
severe distress and despair for the individual
and/or his or her partner. It occurs when a person uses one or more sexual behaviors as a
fix and in ways that result in negative consequences that may be relational, emotional,
physical, financial, legal, occupational, social,
and spiritual in nature. A physical and emotional dependency on the biochemical or moodaltering chemical experience of arousal, satiation, and fantasy then occurs (Sunderwirth &
Milkman, 1991). There is marked tolerance and
continued involvement in spite of negative consequences. As with other addictions, it becomes
a habit that has gone unconscious, a compulsive ritual that is no longer a choice, and a psychological and biological attachment to the object that provides the pleasure.
W ith sex addiction, withdrawal symptoms
occur when the sexual object is removed and
preoccupation with it begins to interfere with
everyday life. There are mood changes related
to sexual activity or recovering from sexual activity. Since we have three distinct and separate
primal drives that contribute to mating lust,
attraction, and attachment the sexual object
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BRENDA SCHAEFFER
SEXUAL ADDICTION
Sex Addicts Anonymous (CoSA). The therapeutic challenge of recovery is that three healing processes need to occur concurrently sex
addict recovery, sex addict partner recovery,
and couple recovery and each has unique
treatment issues.
The majority of sex addicts seek help after
they have been intervened on or have had serious consequences. The challenge is to remove
the shame associated with this problem so a
person concerned about his or her sexual behaviors will be free to seek help. Although sex
addiction may be a symptom of a deeper problem, recognizing behavioral signs is helpful in
preventing a sex addiction or in obtaining help
to stop if there is one.
Twenty Signs of Sexual Addiction
1. Use of sex to fix, escape, or cope
2. Negative consequences due to sexual behavior
3. Mood changes around sexual activity
4. Inability to stop even with negative consequences
5. Planning, obtaining, recovering from sexual activity is time consuming
6. Risk of losing a relationship or job
7. Guilt and shame because of behavior
8. Pursuit of high-risk or destructive behaviors
9. A predictable cycle
10. Tolerance or need for more to get the
same high
11. Being at odds with family or spiritual
values
12. Denying, rationalizing, or justifying behavior
13. Sexual cravings
14. Preoccupation
15. Living a double or secret life
16. Using sex to feel or not feel past trauma
17. Sexualizing others
18. Violating the trust of others
19. Inappropriate sexual behaviors
20. Using or abusing others for sexual gratification
(Goodman, 1989; Carnes, 1991, pp. 31-32)
Use of Sex to Fix, Escape, or Cope
The use of sex can be a way to escape probVol. 39, No. 2, April 2009
lems, reduce stress, and/or fix inner brokenness. A major problem underlying sex addiction is emotional loneliness caused by a fear of
intimacy. Karens story illustrates how she began to medicate her loneliness with sex starting
in childhood.
I was miserably lonely as a child. By the
age of 8 I thought Id found love from an
older man in return for sexual favors. At
age 13 my world fell apart when I realized
I had been sexually abused. But I now had
a potent tool for gaining attention sex. I
realized that whatever had happened to me
in the past, whatever it was that I was lacking, whatever it was I was searching for,
the high of sex seemed to fix it. Sex began
to shape my life, define who I was, and it
kept me in a looking-for-love limbo until,
at the age of 39, my brokenness led me into treatment.
Negative Consequences Due to Sexual
Behavior
A person using sex addictively often fails to
recognize or minimizes the negative consequences that sexual acting out can bring (Schaeffer,
1987/2009, p. 135). These include:
Depression, low self-esteem
Scandal, date rape, violence
Feeling objectified
Lust substituting for love
Sex as a power play
Confusion about healthy sexual intimacy
Emotional stress and illness
Sex as a consumer product, prostitution
Relationship problems, divorce
Loss of productivity
Exploitation
Spiritual emptiness
Inability to focus
Use of other addictive substances
Feelings of betrayal
Increase in HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, unplanned pregnancies
Isolation
Emotional, physical, and sexual abuse
Loss of innocence and self-respect
Sexual harassment
Avoidance of real needs
Loss of the sacredness of sexuality
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BRENDA SCHAEFFER
SEXUAL ADDICTION
BRENDA SCHAEFFER
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Genetics
Physical and emotional stress
Hormones
Changes in the brain because of drug
use
Nutritional imbalances
Psychological and physical trauma
Preoccupation
For many, the preoccupation with sex, often
under the influence of alcohol or other drugs,
can lead to self-disgust and suicidal thinking.
Such was the case for 15-year-old Tess, the
youngest client I have referred to inpatient
treatment for sexual addiction. She said it
clearly: Sex is like a drug. I think about it all
the time. I think about it I get really excited
I have sex and then I hate myself.
Living a Double or Secret Life
Sexual addiction can be considered a dissociative disorder. W hen there is public shaming
of a well-know political person, the response is
often, How could he/she be so ignorant? In
working with recovering couples, the partners
question is, How can he say he loves me if he
has this other life? The answer to both questions is that the acting-out person has two
selves: the addict self and the healthy self, and
the person has the ability to keep them separate.
The addicts secret life is supported by lying
to self and others. Although telling a lie is uncomfortable, the addict believes it is the lesser
of two evils, fearing that telling the truth will
make matters worse. Truth telling will mean
having to stop the behavior, face withdrawal,
take off the image mask, hurt a partner, and
feel shame and guilt. The person not only obsesses about obtaining the drug but about how
to keep the secret (Corley with Schneider,
2002, pp. 43-47).
Using Sex to Feel or Not Feel Past Trauma
W hen we experience fear that accompanies
trauma, our bodies instinctively react with a
fight, flight, or freeze response. It may not be
safe to fight or leave and so we freeze and store
fearful memories in our bodies. Sex is often an
attempt to release such energy or to replay an
earlier trauma. Bonded with the traumatic event
Transactional Analysis Journal
SEXUAL ADDICTION
or person who abused them, sex addicts will unconsciously reenact the earlier trauma through
the following:
Feeling sexual when frightened
Looking for danger
Bonding with abusers
Seeking high-risk sex
Using sex to escape
Doing to others what was done to them
Obsessing over the abuser
Anticipating being hurt
For recovery to occur, a person must get to
the fear trapped in his or her body and release
it. Many sex addicts use sex as a means to feel
because they have trouble feeling or to block
feelings that might trigger a past trauma and
flood them. A traumatized person needs to
learn that it is safe to have emotions and sensations. W hen a recovering addict learns how to
live an emotional life in the present with ease,
it is easier to tolerate any triggers from the past
and to reframe them (van der Kolk, 2006, p. 5).
Sexualizing Others
In many societies, people are groomed to explore and brag about sexual encounters, to line
up which men and women are the sexiest, and
to learn the skills of seduction. W hen individuals use sex compulsively, they become victims
of their own preoccupation with these skills.
Everyone they are introduced to, every anonymous person they encounter or observe, becomes a sexual object. More than noticing or
appreciating an attractive person, the other person is scrutinized for possibilities. The trancelike state of the search, the hunt, the suspense,
the potential conquest all are addictive in
themselves. Going to a large gathering or logging on to chat rooms is ripe with possibilities.
Sexual arousal intensifies and the mood is altered simply in the anticipation or fantasy. Androgens pulse through the body as the heart
quickens, the pupils dilate, and the body becomes aroused.
Violating the Trust of Others
Sex addiction often creates a breech of trust
that is so deep that a partner wonders if he or
she can ever trust the person again. Some even
consider suicide. W hen the compulsive or adVol. 39, No. 2, April 2009
BRENDA SCHAEFFER
regret later. I use women for my own gratification. I cheat and lie. I keep sex separate from my heart.
As I guided him to the roots of the problem, Gregory remembers being 5 years old
and sitting in his mothers lap. He leans in
close to her. I love the way she smells.
She smells like flowers. I love the way she
rubs my hair and scratches the back of my
neck. I like her voice. She tells me I am a
big boy. I know Im not. I am sad but I
cannot be sad because she is sad. I have to
take care of her; Dad is gone away again.
He remembers more. At 17, Gregory
meets the most breathtaking person he has
ever met; she is 25. She introduces him to
sex, but no one can know. W hen he is with
his friend, Gregory feels 5 years old again:
I love the way she smells. I love the way
she rubs my hair and scratches the back of
my neck. I like her voice. She tells me I
am special. This must be what love isthe
touch, the closeness, the anticipation, the
sexual high.
Suddenly his electrifying friend is gone.
She says she fell in love with someone her
own age. He feels abandoned once again
by a woman he thought loved him. In his
pain Gregory affirms a forgotten promise
he made to himself at age 5: I will use
women like they use me. His script is set;
his childhood drama continues. From that
day forward, use he did. Living on the
brink of love became a way of life. Sex became a way of life. No fear, no hurt, and
no heart. On occasion the loneliness and
self-disgust would surface, but he would
quickly soothe it with sex, drugs, and alcohol. Then one day he collapsed into a depression, his payoff. He was so far away
from himself that it scared Greg into
reaching out for help.
Transactional Analysis and the Treatment
of Sex Addiction
Transactional analysis can play a significant
role in the treatment of sexual addiction. W hile
stopping the sexual acting-out behavior, understanding sexual addiction and its insidious nature, and developing a life of personal and
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SEXUAL ADDICTION
BRENDA SCHAEFFER
Parent ego state, an unconditionally loving versus an overly permissive Nurturing Parent ego
state, and an updated and well-informed Adult
ego state.
Conclusion
The advantages of using transactional analysis in recovery for sexual addiction are many:
It provides a psychodynamic script explanation
for addictive behaviors, it has methods that
facilitate identifying and reframing beliefs, it
promotes group therapy that is effective in reducing shame, and it offers corrective parenting
tools that can be used indefinitely by the client
to help maintain sexual sobriety. Incorporating
transactional analysis into the recovery treatment program has been key to reclaiming the
personal power given to the acting-out behavior. Each client presented in the previous cases
undertook a detailed life script analysis to identify and then heal the underlying problems. Doing the psychodynamic work contributed to a
high level of sexual sobriety: living a full and
meaningful sexual life with healthy boundaries.
Keeping healthy boundaries contributed to the
rebuilding of trust that had been broken, and,
therefore, many relationships that might have
ended did not.
Brenda Schaeffer has a doctorate in spiritual
psychology and is a licensed psychologist, a certified addiction specialist in sexual addiction, and
author of Is It Love or Is It Addiction?; Loving
Me, Loving You; Balancing Love and Power in
a Codependent World; Loves Way; Love or Addiction?: The Power and Peril of Teen Sex and
Romance; The Healthy Relationship Series, the
Corrective Parenting Chart, Inner Reflections
meditation CD, and several professional articles.
She is a Certified Transactional Analyst (psychotherapy), past executive board member of the
Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health,
associate member of the Association of Enneagram Teachers, and a consultant to Life Works
Treatment Center in the UK. She has a private
practice in Minneapolis that includes training,
speaking, and therapy. She can be reached at
15798 Venture Lane, Suite 101, Eden Prairie,
MN 55344, U.S.A.; brenda@brendaschaeffer.
com ; Web site: www.loveaddiction.com .
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Transactional Analysis Journal