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Editing for Voice, Part I

Looking Again at the Verb “To Be” and Verbs Ending in -ing:
No rule says you can’t use “to be” verbs like “are” and “were” or start a sentence with
“It is” or “There are.” Likewise, no rule says you can’t use gerunds, verbs ending with –
ing like “running." But we sometimes fall into these constructions without looking for
other options. See how many “to be” and "-ing" verbs you can eliminate—with what gain
in voice.

First version: There was a time when I believed that if it was in a book, it must be true.
Edited: I once believed all books tell the truth.

First version: We were dancing and talking all night.

Edited: We danced and talked all night. (Context and rhythm matter, so use your ear.)

Eliminating an Unnecessary “That” and Clothing a “Naked This”:

Some sentences depend on “that” to make sense, but often you can drop “that” from a
sentence with no loss in meaning—and maybe a big gain in voice. On the other hand,
when “this” appears in a sentence without an accompanying noun, your readers may
puzzle over what "This" is supposed to mean. So see how many “that”s you can drop and
if you have a "naked this" you can clothe ….

First version: He said that he’s leaving and that he’s not coming back.
Edited: He said he’s leaving and he’s not coming back.

First version: When I left, I promised to write my friends but never did. This puzzles me
now.
Edited: When I left, I promised to write my friends but never did. How quickly I cut those
ties puzzles me now.

Editing to Make the Nouns and Verbs Do the Work

Look for sentences that rely on adjectives (like beautiful or terrible) or adverbs
(intensifiers like really and very plus words ending in –ly like badly or slowly) to convey
meaning. Consider how you could make meaning felt all the more by 1) eliminating
some, many, or even all of the adjectives and adverbs; and 2) dramatize action with
active verbs and pain pictures with specific nouns instead of relying on a pile-up of
adjectives and adverbs.

First version: Moving very slowly, she walked across the room.
Edited: She inched across the room.

First version: Abbey Pond is awesomely beautiful!

Edited: Abbey Pond spreads like glass . . . .
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Editing for Voice, Part II

Getting to the Heart of the Matter

Look for sentences that suggest you’re “circling around” what you really want to say or
using words that obscure more than they reveal. Experiment with being specific, direct,
even blunt!

First Version: My parents’ marital status influences my views of marriage.

Edited: My parents’ divorce makes me wary of marriage.

First Version (a sentence that appeared on the front page of the Boston Globe!): Cocaine
has a capable lethal potentiality.
Edited: Cocaine can kill you.

Asking "Who Does What?"

When starting a sentence with a long introductory clause, you can easily omit the
"who"--the doer of the action referred to in the intro clause. Because the action ends up
"dangling," with no actor named in the sentence, we call this a "dangling modifier." Look
through your current draft for a sentence with a long introductory phrase and see if you
can identify a verb or action within the introductory phrase. Then look at main sentence.
Ask, "Who does what?" Is the "who," the doer of the action you identified in the
introductory phrase, present and visible?

First version: When starting a sentence with a long introductory clause, it's easy leave
out the sentence's real subject.
Edited: When starting a sentence with a long introductory clause, you can easily leave
out the sentence's real subject.

First version: Sitting down, the bell rang.

Edited: I sat down as the bell rang or As they sat down, the bell rang etc.

What I Really Mean to Say Is ("WIRMS") …..

Look through your draft for sentences that are key to meaning but also aren't quite
conveying or capturing what you want and need them to. Maybe the sentences is
"circumlocutious," circling around what you really mean to say. Maybe the sentence
understates or overstates, is too general or implies something you don't mean at all.
Here's an easy way to get into editing such a sentence:
· Mark that sentence with a squiggly underline.
· Flip the page over or turn to the laptop and write "What I really mean to say is …"
Without pausing complete the sentence.
· Drop down and write again "What I really mean to say is …" and write a second
version of the sentence.
· Repeat this up to ten times, pushing each time for something different. Try starting
the sentence in a different place. Try breaking one sentence into two. Try extending
the sentence. See what happens if you reach for an "elevated" tone. See what
happens if you aim to be blunt, direct, maybe even rude.
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Editing for Alternate Style

"My eyes snapped open as I woke up from a comforting dream, a dream of home, where
my friends and I were enjoying a warm summer night in Vermont. We were lying under
the moonless sky as we chatted about the sweet nothings of summer, watching the
brilliance of a million lit stars, feeling smaller and smaller in this massive universe. My
heart swelled to be in such a beautiful place, to be with people I loved so much. Then,
one of my friends turned to me and started yelling, " ¿Clara? ¿ Clara? ¡Despiértate!" and
the stars seemed to coalesce into one huge ball, turning into the sun high in the sky,
glaring down on me, burning through my retinas. I was dizzy and perplexed as I came to
the conclusion that this sun was nothing other than the bright overhead light of this
unfamiliar house I had been staying in for a week."

From the standpoints of punctuation, and style, the above sentences, the opening to
Elinor Claire Goodwin's "Las Barreras of Language" are well written. But consider that
sometimes a writer may decide to depart--for a particular rhetorical purpose, voice,
effect--from traditional style. Check out--and then try out--the below examples of playing
with voice through run-on or labyrinthine sentences, fragments, repetition, and one-
sentence paragraphs.

Playing with Labyrinthine Sentences

My eyes snapped open as I woke up from a comforting dream, a dream of home, where
my friends and I were enjoying a warm summer night in Vermont, lying under the
moonless sky as we chatted about the sweet nothings of summer, watching the brilliance
of a million lit stars, feeling smaller and smaller in this massive universe, and my heart
swelled to be in such a beautiful place, to be with people I loved so much--until one of
my friends turned to me and started yelling, " ¿Clara? ¿ Clara? ¡Despiértate!" and the
stars seemed to coalesce into one huge ball, turning into the sun high in the sky, glaring
down on me, burning through my retinas, and I was dizzy and perplexed as I came to the
conclusion that this sun was nothing other than the bright overhead light of this
unfamiliar house I had been staying in for a week.

Playing with Fragments

My eyes snapped open as I woke up from a comforting dream, a dream of home, where
my friends and I were enjoying a warm summer night in Vermont. Lying under the
moonless sky. Chatting about the sweet nothings of summer. Watching the brilliance of a
million lit stars. Feeling smaller and smaller in this massive universe.

Playing with Repetition

My eyes snapped open as I woke up from a comforting dream, a dream of home, a
dream in which my friends and I were enjoying a warm summer night in Vermont, a
warm summer night under the moonless sky as we chatted, chatted about sweet
nothings, the sweet nothings of summer ….

Playing with One-Sentence Paragraphs

My eyes snapped open as I woke up from a comforting dream, a dream of home, where
my friends and I were enjoying a warm summer night in Vermont. We were lying under
the moonless sky as we chatted about the sweet nothings of summer, watching the
brilliance of a million lit stars, feeling smaller and smaller in this massive universe. My
heart swelled to be in such a beautiful place, to be with people I loved so much. Then,
one of my friends turned to me and started yelling, " ¿Clara? ¿ Clara? ¡Despiértate!" and
the stars seemed to coalesce into one huge ball, turning into the sun high in the sky,
glaring down on me, burning through my retinas.

I was dizzy and perplexed as I came to the conclusion that this sun was nothing other
than the bright overhead light of this unfamiliar house I had been staying in for a week.