Contcntcdly Childless
BUILDING A MOVEMENT THAT EMBRACES ALL CHOICES
By Wyndi Marie Anderson and Crystat Plati
O YOU \MANT TO IIAVE CHILDRENI'
Most women are familiar
with this question. And the 8o
percent or more who answer
in the affirmative rarely face
any debate. But most women who have
ever answered "no" tell a different story.
Responses vary. Knowing nods that
say, "You'll change your mind when you
get older and find the right partner."
Acceptance. Outright disbelief. A chal-
lenge. Or even a simple, "That's too bad.
You're missing out."
Rarely, though, are the responses posi-
tive. In 2oro, women still face consider-
able pressure to have children. But it can
be hard to see and understand this pres-
sure unless you've ever been a woman who
answered, ttNo.tt
The number of women who do not
want or are not havins children is
wyNDr MARf E Ar{DERsoN isafeministand
sociol justice advocate who has been working for
the protection of human rights for over 75 years.
Ms. Anderson serves on the boards of Choice ust
and the Abortion Access Project and ftequently
works for national nonproftt organizations in their
womenS health and harm-reduction initiatives.
cRysrAL ptlrt t is a national leader who has
helped give voice to thousonds ofyoung people,
progressives and women as an executive ond
leadership consultant. She is the former *ecutive
Director of Choice usn.
growing. A zoo3 L-S Census srudy found
that a record 19 percent of rvomen age
40 to 44 did not har-e children, compared
to ro percent in :9;6. \\-hile there
has been widespread speculation about
the defining feafures of x'omen in this
significant minorin-. one link consis-
tently crops up: the higher a woman's
level of education. the less likely she is
to have children.
People don't knou' *-hat to say to
women who don't s art children. It goes
against everything s-e har-e been taught.
Even in some of the more liberal places
where you thinkvou might get a different
reaction or a ne\\-r oice. it's oddly quiet.
There are authors and activists who
have embraced motherhood as a new
place for activism. Some go so far as to
criticize previous generations of feminiss
for not holding motherhood in high
enough esteem. \\-e rarely hear women
validating the choice not to have children;
and when we do, rarely are these women
actually without children.
Where are the voices of women who
are not having children? Why are we not
speaking out about our experiences? Why
are we so silent?
Some of us face judgment from our
family and friends:
"A women isn't really a woman until she
haschildren."
"You never know true love or happiness
until you have children."
"The hardest thing I've ever done is
have children: nothing I've ever done in
my life compares to that."
"You're tired? Why are you tired? You
don't have kids keeping you up all night."
Despite all of the progress made in the
past century, when it comes to expanding
the definition of women's "place" and
voL. xxxl-No, , r.oro I n
CONTENTEDLY CHILDLESS
women's roles, women are still valued,
above all, for their maternal firnction. This
sentiment crosses all communities-
liberal, conservative, Republican, Demo-
cratic, prochoice and antichoice. On the
surface, these communities' treatment of
women and motherhood may differ; but
at a fundamental level the pressure in all
of these communities for women to have
children r-uns high.
You might imagine that the women's
movement would have no place for this
otherwise fundamental undercrrrent. Not
true. Self-declared feminists can still make
it very difficult for women who do not have
children to find power in that choice.
Perhaps we fear that we could be seen as
"anti-children" if we were to embrace that
choice and the power it can bring women.
Our prochoice rhetoric often invokes
the power of mother and family. Some
have suggested that we could fight anti-
38 coNscrENcE
choice language by claiming that most
women who have abortions are, or will
become, mothers. While this is true, this
language hints that it is acceptable to
choose an abortion only because someday
we will have children. Thus we are
rejecting the decision to have children at
that moment but not rejecting the role of
mother. It is a recognition of the right to
delay pregnancy. But is there is a right
to intend never to be pregnant or have
a child?
In this paradigm even our sexual
freedom is based on the understanding
that we can redeem ourselves in the role
of rearing the next generation. Even
though 19 percent of US women will
never have children and manywomen are
not "good" mothers, this kind of set up
supports the traditional notions ofgood
u-omen versus bad women, Madonna
r-ersus whore. This right/wrong thinking
is the epitome of what we are trying to
work against in the women's movement.
At the very least, there are two ker-
reasons why it is important to have
women who do notwant to have children
as an active and vocal part of the women's
movement:
r. These women prove false the myth that
motherhood is the ultimate signifier of
femaleness, femininity and personhood
for a woman,
z. These women validate and represent part
of the vision for which many women
have fought in our history.
We do not take the choice not to have
children lightly. We know that we have
this choice because of the courageous
women who fought for women's right to
determine whether or when to reproduce'
We stand on the shoulders of the many,
many women who had children whether
they wanted to or not. It's a privilege
for us to be able to choose.
We want to know where the voices
have gone that talk about living child-
free as a viable option for women. We
want to have a movement that sees child-
free women as part of the vision and value
that we bring to the community.
We share a vision of a movement that
understands and values women's full,
autonomous personhood outside of
the role of mother-a movement that
fights assumptions and stereoty?es about
women so that we can make choices
free from judgment. We are aware of
the collective power we possess. As a
movement, we must find ways to convert
this power to cultural, political and
legislative change.
If you are a woman who is struggling
with this choice, know that you are not
alone. There are many women who
choose not to have children and others
who don't have children for various
reasons and live full, amazing, valid lives.
You do not have to have children to know
love, to know life or to be a woman. And
while it may be a road less traveled, it
has been well traveled by many women
before us. .