1

FADE IN:

INT. STAGE - SCREEN- DAY

The image of a walrus appears amid EERIE MUSIC.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK, in a dinner jacket, steps into
projected image, which then vanishes.

To his show's THEME MUSIC, Hitchcock steps to the

microphone.

HITCHCOCK
Good evening. This is
Alfred Hitchcock.
Tonight's program,
sponsored by the San
Diego Filmmakers
Network, invites you to
look through the window
into a different realm,
a realm that is the back
door to this one. That's
right. Death. The big
sleep, as you say in
America. The final exit
stage left, or right, or
if you're lucky, a swan
dive into the audience.
It's the ultimate
solution to every
problem and the subject
of tonight's episode,
the End of the
Beginning.

INT. STAGE - SCREEN - DAY

The last two minutes of "I Am the Walrus" FADE IN

as historical images flash in succession, leading
to the Great Depression--

FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT (O.S.)

We have nothing to fear
but fear itself...

Images of World War II follow, culminating in the

atom bomb--

REPORTER (O.S.)
The Japanese have
 surrendered only days
after U.S. atom bombs
destroyed two of their
cities...

A picture of MAHATMA GANDHI fills the screen. A

GUNSHOT.

EAST INDIAN MAN (O.S.)

By the gods! The most
holy Mahatma Gandhi,
savior of our beloved
India, is dead!

Darkness. Silence. The lights come up on Gandhi,

prostrate on the floor. He sits up, looks around,
smiles.

GANDHI
Ah... It's about time.
At long last I have
achieved Nirvana.

The BUDDHA strides on stage.

GANDHI
The Buddha? What are you
doing here? I mean,
nothing personal but I
am a Hindu.

BUDDHA
Your gods asked me to
fill in. After World War
Two they are a little
behind schedule on their
reincarnations. I come
with excellent news,
Mahatma!

GANDHI
Oh no. Do not send me
back there. I beg of
you--

BUDDHA
(laughs)
Do not worry, my son.
You are not going to be
reborn. But the world
does need you a little
 3
longer. The foolish
children have discovered
a way to blow themselves
to smithereens. You must
teach them the ways of
nonviolence.

GANDHI
But how can I go back?

BUDDHA
Oh, as an angel.

GANDHI
An angel? That's
Christian!

BUDDHA
What can I say? We do a
lot of mixing and
matching up here.

GANDHI
And all the lost souls
from the war? What of
them?

BUDDHA
Well, let's just say the
earth has a lot more
cockroaches and slugs
bent on world
domination.

GANDHI
And Hitler?

BUDDHA
Even better. He's been
reborn as a virus. A
microscopic virus! He
can certainly do no harm
as a tiny little virus!

Stage darkens. Slideshow of MARILYN MONROE images

follows.

MARILYN (O.S.)
(sings)
Happy birthday, Mr.
President, happy
 birthday to you.

Darkness. Marilyn looks about in fear.

MARILYN
Goodness, those sleeping
pills sure pack a punch!
But, where am I? It's as
if I were standing on a
cloud. And oh, look at
all the chubby little
angels with cute bare
butts flying around. If
I didn't know better I'd
think I was in...in...

She falls silent as APHRODITE approaches.

APHRODITE
So this is Marilyn
Monroe. I must say, I
did a good job on you.
What a shame.

MARILYN
Good job? On me?
Whatever do you mean?

APHRODITE
I am the goddess
Aphrodite. I created
you, Marilyn, in my own
image. The perfect
woman.

MARILYN
(strikes a sexy
pose)
Me? Oh, but I'm not even
a little perfect. I'm
shy, and I'm vain, and
everybody thinks I'm a
little slow but I'm
actually pretty
intelligent if you take
the time to listen.

APHRODITE
Exactly. But all that
Kennedy boy wanted was
to use you and dump you
 5
like yesterday's cream
puffs. He broke your
heart. Well, guess what?
I'm going to arrange a
little reunion. You just
wait here for a few
years, okay?

MARILYN
(as Aphrodite
exits)
A reunion? Really?
(sudden
realization)
But that means...
Aphrodite, wait! I don't
want to see Jack that
bad!

Fade out. Lights back up to the sight of JOHN

KENNEDY waving.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
The President's
motorcade is coming
around the turn, and
will soon be passing the
grassy knoll with the
lone gunman. Mr. Kennedy
smiling, waving at the
adoring crowd...

A GUNSHOT. Darkness. Lights up. Kennedy furrows

his brow.

KENNEDY
And what is all this? By
the saints, what's
happened to me? I'm not
in constant, agonizing
physical pain. The
doctors, they told me
the only thing that
would ever stop it would
be...
(eyes widen)
Wait a second. The
gunshot.
(glances down)
The billowing clouds at
 my feet. I'm dead,
aren't I? But where's
Saint Peter? Where are
the pearly gates?
(sees Aphrodite
approach)
Hmm. Maybe I'm not so
dead after all.

APHRODITE
Oh, you're dead, all
right. I am the goddess
Aphrodite. I have been
supplying you with babes
for years. But it's
never enough, is it?
That's why I brought you
here. To even the score
with a certain someone.

KENNEDY
Of course you mean
Marilyn. I do feel rather
badly about Marilyn. I did
love her the best, you
know, but what with the
pressures of office, and
that minx Jackie--

APHRODITE
Spare me the excuses,
you slime bucket. You
may be an eloquent,
visionary leader and
okay, a hunk, but when
it comes to women you're
just a spoiled little
Harvard boy.

She grabs his arm, tries to drag him. He resists.

KENNEDY
But wait! I left so much
undone. What about the
race to the moon? The
civil rights
legislation?

APHRODITE
Don't worry, I'll take
 7
care of it.

KENNEDY
And that nasty little
conflict in Vietnam. If
you could just nip it in
the bud.

APHRODITE
Huh? Oh sure. Consider
it done. Now come on.

She drags him to the other side of stage. Marilyn

sees him.

MARILYN
Jack! I'm so sorry it
had to happen this way.
I've missed you so much!

KENNEDY
I've missed you too, my
dear, more than you
know. Perhaps now I'll
have time to actually
listen to you, my little
sugar dumpling.

MARILYN
(as they
embrace)
Oh, Jack. I feel so
close to you. It's as if
we were the same person.

KENNEDY
Oh, we are, Marilyn. We
truly are.

Stage darkens. The "I Have a Dream" SPEECH plays

while images of the sixties and Martin Luther
King, Jr. display. MARTIN LUTHER KING rises,
looks at images, which vanish. Turns--

GANDHI
Welcome, my boy! You've
done well.

MARTIN LUTHER KING

Gandhi? Mahatma Gandhi?
Are you an angel?
 Because God help me if
I'm not dead.

GANDHI
Let's just say I was
granted temporary wings,
my child, to pass on my
vision of nonviolence.
To you. And you passed
it on to an entire
generation of young
people. A few more
generations and it will
bear sweet fruit. I am
most pleased with you.

MARTIN LUTHER KING

Thank you, great
teacher, but I'm very
confused. Have I been
wrong all these years?
Do I go to heaven, or
get reborn into a new
body?

GANDHI
That's entirely up to
you, my son, though it
is rather late in the
game to be switching
sides.

Martin considers, eyes flashing with intensity.

Darkness.

On screen, images of the Wild West flash by to

the tune of "GET AROUND LITTLE DOGGIE. JOHN WAYNE
staggers to his feet, looks around. Mayan
goddess IXCHEL approaches, sizes him up.

IXCHEL
Legendary John Wayne.
The Duke. Not so bigger
than life now, are you?

JOHN WAYNE
Beg your pardon, little
missie?

IXCHEL
Don't little missie me,
 9
you dumb brute. I am the
Mayan goddess Ixchel.
You destroy my people.
You steal their prized
coastal land and turn it
into glitzy pleasure
dome.

JOHN WAYNE
I'm just an actor,
ma'am. I got nothing to
do with all that stuff.

IXCHEL
Oh, but you do. You are
symbol of shoot 'em up
mentality that drives
western imperialism and
skews whole political
system.

JOHN WAYNE
That's a lot of big
words for a simple old
cowboy, little lady. And
I sure didn't mean
nobody no harm. Not even
the Injuns I slaughtered
down to the last man,
woman and child.

IXCHEL
Oh sure. They were just
in the way. I know you.
Mr. Rugged
individualist. You don't
need help from nobody. I
mean besides your
gardener and your
governess, your
housekeeper and
hairdresser, your
garbage collector and
your sex worker.

JOHN WAYNE
What can I say,
senorita? You make good
workers. Okay, I'm
sorry, can you let up?
 What do I got to do to
make it up to you?

IXCHEL
Simple. Marry one of us.

JOHN WAYNE
But you're a...
(turns nose up,
considers,
grins)
Well, don't stand there
like a plumb fool. Hop
on the back. I reckon
there's a sunset to ride
off into.

Ixchel flinches, climbs on horse behind him. They

amble off.

To "I AM A WALRUS," images of the Beatles and

John Lennon progress, leading up to his
assassination.

GUNSHOT. JOHN LENNON jumps spryly to his feet.

JOHN LENNON
Hello. What's all this
about?

The goddess SHAKTI steps before him. John Lennon

stares.

JOHN LENNON
Well, if it isn't
Shakti, the goddess of
creation. Let's see now.
Either the boys slipped
me some bad acid or I
really am the bleedin'
walrus.

SHAKTI
Your murder is a true
pity. You had forty more
years left to rock and
roll.

JOHN LENNON
I had? You mean it's
over? Some crackpot
 11
shoots you and that's
it, game over, end of
the line? It doesn't
seem fair somehow.

SHAKTI
Fair is not my
department. I am only
here to restore your
soul.

JOHN LENNON
You mean there's
something wrong with it,
like it's defective?
Boy, you could have
saved me a lot of
misery--

SHAKTI
I tried. I sent the Yoko
woman. But you were a
harder case than I
imagined. I am the
goddess of creation and
destruction. Neither can
exist without the other.
I am why you are
obsessed with love and
death. Now gaze into my
eyes.

She dances seductively around him as--

SHAKTI
You are beloved by a
goddess, John. You
always were and you
always will be.

JOHN LENNON
(eyes shine,
laughs)
Have to admit, I am a
bit of the star. I mean,
the music's not half
bad. Really, what is
there to be bloody
nervous about? I am he
as you are he as you are
 me and we are all
together. Which is
precisely why...
(singing to
Shakti)
I want to hold your
hand...

Shakti smiles coyly, takes his hand. Darkness.

Lights rise on Aphrodite brushing her hair. ZEUS

spies lustfully. HERA catches him, grabs him by
the neck.

HERA
Shame on you, Zeus.
She's your own daughter.
And if she's isn't, she
could be.

ZEUS
Leave an old god his
last few pleasures.
Well? What is it, woman?

HERA
Only our next luminary.

ZEUS
Oh my goodness. A real
V.I.P. Ronald Reagan.

Aphrodite exits. RONALD REAGAN steps on, looks

around, smiles.

RONALD REAGAN
Oh! Well, heh heh. Now I
remember.

ZEUS
What do you remember,
Mr. President?

RONALD REAGAN
Nothing important. The
bathroom wall where I
wrote the nuclear
detonator code. Suddenly
I remember everything!
The Santa Fe
Trail...Bedtime for
 13
Bonzo...the sleazy
commercials for General
Electric...governor of
California...President..
.

Thinks. Eyes widen in terror at what he's done.

Looks cagey.

ZEUS
Don't you worry about
all that. You did the
right thing. I mean,
dying. You know, you and
I are a lot alike. I had
it all. I was mighty
Zeus, king of the gods.
Not anymore.

HERA
They call him Number
Two, but that's just out
of pity.

ZEUS
At least they left me my
lightning bolts.

Eyes full of fire, he raises his hands in a

lightning-making gesture. Nothing happens. He
tries harder. Hera to Reagan:

HERA
Just ignore him. He'll
stop eventually.

RONALD REAGAN
(to Zeus)
Sorry to hear that, my
friend. Of course,
unlike you, I went out
on top. Like Mama,
Nancy, always said, it's
better not to reach the
top till you stop
climbing.

HERA
The top! Ha! Like Number
Two here, you brought
down an empire.
 RONALD REAGAN
Yes, I did, didn't I?
Berlin, tear down that
wall!

HERA
I was referring to your
own country, buster. You
and your rich cronies
sucked on the teat of
the Motherland till the
milk ran dry.

ZEUS
Well, you know how fat
cats love their milk.
(to Reagan)
Hera here, she just
doesn't understand the
natural order, not like
you and me, Ronnie. You
mind if I call you
Ronnie? You and I, we
are leaders. We
understand that common
mortals were put on
Earth to be used,
devoured and their bones
spat out for our divine
benefit.

HERA
You're no god, Ronald
Reagan.
(to Zeus)
You, I'm not sure of.
Now move him along.

RONALD REAGAN
Oh boy! Where am I
going? Heaven? Club Med?

ZEUS
Even better. To spend
eternity with an old
friend. Big hat? Rides a
horse?

Reagan furrows brow, then realizes in horror.

RONALD REAGAN
 15
Why, that overrated
hack! He wouldn't even
let me play an extra in
his movies. You know, I
think that's why I first
ran for governor. Hmm.
Eternity with the Duke.
Well, at least he has to
address me as...
(in John
Wayne's voice)
Mr. President...

Stage darkens. Images flash of the Cold War, the

RICHARD NIXON/Kennedy debate, Vietnam, civil
unrest, Watergate and Nixon leaving office. Nixon
opens his eyes groggily, looks around.

NIXON
So this is hell. Hmm.
Surprising. Not as hot
as I thought it would
be. Or as crowded.

MARY MAGDALENE approaches him.

NIXON
You're Mary Magdalene!
Wait a darn second.
There must be some
mistake.

MARY MAGDALENE
No mistake. You're
definitely dead.

NIXON
All due respect,
darling, I believe I was
scheduled to go down,
not up.

MARY MAGDALENE
Ah. You mean because of
all the lying, and the
Watergate scandal, and
for dropping more bombs
on Cambodia, Laos and
North Vietnam than in
all previous wars
combined.
 NIXON
Oh, all that politics
stuff? No. That's just
part of the job. No,
it's because the Big Guy
up there just doesn't
like me. Nobody likes
me, really. That's why
they're all out to get
me. Jack Kennedy, he was
cute. He had that sexy
accent. It was Jack who
got all the young,
nubile White House
interns. Me, I was lucky
to get Pat once in a
blue moon, when she had
a few too many Harvey
Wallbangers.

MARY MAGDALENE
Oh, but you are wrong,
Mr. President.

NIXON
You mean people really
do like me?

MARY MAGDALENE
Well, no. But the Big
Guy... Let me tell you a
story. I was a
prostitute, you know.

NIXON
Who wasn't? You're
looking at a real
hooker, sister. A
Beltway whore. A
Republican lady of the
night.

MARY MAGDALENE
Please don't interrupt
me. Then I met this guy.
He was amazing. He
judged me for who I was,
not what I...or who...I
did. After that, I don't
think it mattered what
 17
other people thought,
because I was able to
love myself. No matter
who your god is, or even
if you don't believe in
all that mumbo jumbo,
that's what really
matters.

NIXON
Love yourself. You know,
that's kind of catchy.
And why shouldn't I love
myself? I'm quite a
catch, you know. A good
dancer. And I can whip
up a mean Waldorf
salad...
(as Mary loses
interest)
...And as a child I
played the oboe. Not
well, mind you...
(as Mary
tiptoes off)
Used to drive my mother
bonkers. She would lock
me in the cellar for
days at a time. That way
I could only torture the
mice...

Darkness. Lights come up on Zeus and Hera. JACK

NICHOLSON comes on stage.

ZEUS
It's Jack Nicholson!

HERA
What are you doing here?
You're not dead.

JACK NICHOLSON
No, I guess I'm not, am
I? Not yet. But hey,
what can I tell you?

Ichtel, Aphrodite, Shakti and Mary Magdalene

crowd around him adoringly.

JACK NICHOLSON
I always had a thing for
beautiful goddesses.

THE END