Hoover Maneuver' The Dirty Secret of Emotional Abuse

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Hoover Maneuver: The Dirty Secret of Emotional Abuse
February 19, 2015 By Andrea Schneider, LCSW
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/profile/andrea-schneider-20100917>,
Narcissism
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/narcissism> Topic
Expert Contributor
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Vacuum Cleaner with Red Carpet top viewPeople encounter those with
narcissism
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/narcissism> in
love, work, and family relationships. When I provide psychotherapy for
survivors of narcissistic abuse, one of the first steps in the healing
process is psychoeducation about narcissism and emotional abuse.
Survivors are often beset with myriad complex posttraumatic stress
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/ptsd> symptoms,
including panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, depression, and the
shellshock of cognitive dissonance.
By understanding the tactics employed upon the target of abuse,
survivors empower themselves to reduce the impact of the emotional abuse
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/emotional-abuse>
aftermath. Given the delicate and subtle nuances involved in the
psychology of healing, working with a trained clinician skilled in
trauma recovery specific to narcissistic abuse is essential.
The literature on the subject of narcissistic abuse recovery is replete
with pseudonyms for various circumstances involving a person with
narcissism. One such concept is hoovering by the emotionally abusive
person. When the cycle of idealize, devalue, discard is complete, a
person with narcissistic qualities will often return to prior sources of
narcissistic supply to see if he or she can tap such individuals for

more ego <http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/ego>-fueling
attention, emotional reaction, sex, money, business advantages, a place
to live, or other affirmations of his or her existence. Hoover
maneuver was coined after the name of a popular vacuum cleaner,
alluding to the fact abusers often attempt to suction up narcissistic
supply from prior sources (people).
Find a Therapist
Advanced Search <http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html>
Individuals who have narcissistic tendencies typically lack solid,
healthy self-concepts and must extract narcissistic supply from lovers,
friends, colleagues, and/or family members to feel affirmed, adored,
admired, attended to, nurtured, feared, or despised. Positive or
negative, the reaction doesnt matter, as long as the abusive person can
excise a response from a targets reservoir of emotional sustenance,
thus rendering the abusive person alive by virtue of having his or her
false self acknowledged.
When a survivor has gone no-contact
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/no-contact-rule-recovering-from-narcissistic-ab
use-0618136>in
other words, the survivor has chosen to disengage completely from the
abusive personoften the person with narcissism will attempt to see if
the door is still open for more narcissistic supply. He or she may
hoover prior survivors by emailing, texting, phoning, or showing up at
a survivors workplace or residence under the pretext of apologizing for
transgressions, delivering flowers, hitting the reset button, or
feigning illness or a need for assistance (money, return of belongings,
etc.).
This cycle is akin to the Power and Control Wheel often referred to in
the domestic violence
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/domestic-violence> recove
ry
community. The hoover maneuver is an attempt to see if a prior target of
abuse can be conned into another cycle of abuse, resulting in the
abusive person reclaiming a sense of power and control by causing pain
(emotional and sometimes physical) to a target.
Survivors of narcissistic abuse should not be fooled by the hoover
maneuver. Such an action is not a sign that the abusive person loves the
survivor or that he/she can change and suddenly develop reciprocity,
authentically own responsibility for mistakes, and consistently show
emotional maturity. The analogy of a vampire sinking fangs into the
jugular vein works here. The abusive person may home in on the targets
vulnerabilities (wanting to be accepted, loved, attractive, etc.) and
try to hook that person back into another abuse cycle, solely for the
benefit of soothing the abusive persons egono more, no less.
Its advisable for a survivor to continue with no contact and block the
abusive person from email, text, phone, and any other form of
communication. In most circumstances, assuming the survivor does not
reengage, eventually the hoovering will stop. However, if the abusive
person harasses or stalks
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/stalking> the target, the
survivor may want to consider seeking legal action and/or getting the
police involved, including but not limited to filing a

restraining/protective order.
Awareness of the emotional abuse tactics deployed by a person with
narcissism, and going no-contact, is the beginning of empowerment and
healing for survivors of narcissistic abuse.
Copyright 2015 by Andrea Schneider, LCSW, therapist in San Dimas,
California <http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapists/ca/san-dimas>. All
Rights Reserved.
Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The preceding article
was solely written by the author named above. The view and opinions
expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or
concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or
posted as a comment below.
Read More
* Gaslighting: A Slow-Burning Emotional Abuse Tactic
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/gaslighting-a-slow-burning-emotional-abusetactic-0121154>
* The Dynamics of Abuse Within Families and Relationships
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/the-dynamics-of-abuse-within-families-and-r
elationships-0130154>
* Unreality Check: Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Abuse
<http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/unreality-check-cognitive-dissonance-in-nar
cissistic-abuse-1007144>
* 85 comments
* Leave a Comment
*
Keith
February 19th, 2015 at 10:31 AM
Someone like this is always looking for yet another way to latch
onto an easy target.
You sort of have to resolve within yourself to not be that easy
target any longer
*
lorraine
February 19th, 2015 at 12:52 PM
Im unsure as to whether my boyfriend is a narcisist.there is always
drama in his life and he takes no personal responsibility for his
poor choices. At the beginning of our rship he pursued me mostly and
showered me with gifts and compliments, almost putting me on a
pedestal. However as time went on, he has displayed quite
controlling and.negative behaviour, such as putting me down,
shouting and making fun out of me. He has a temper but has said he
would never hit me!!! But emotional blackmail is used and i can see
through his lies and manipulation. We have broken up several times,
mostly from me putting my foot down and demanding he treats me
better but he always manages to win me back with sob stories and
promises of changing. Im just so confused as hes so sweet and loving
in some ways but very hurtful and selfish in others. Im no angel
either but I try to deal with things maturely. Does he sound like a
narcisit and can he change? Would love some advice on this.
*
Gustina
YES he is a narcissist and he will never change. Its a hard truth
to accept,the harsh reality that they will never change. Narcissists
are very good actors who trick you into believing that they can
connect with you emotionally. The truth us that they are incapable
of making an emotional connection with anyone. I am a recovering
daughter of a narcissistic mother. I was fooled for a long time
thinking I could change her, and thinking that she actually cared
about me. The moment you make this realization, you will feel like a
fool at first because it took so long to figure it out, but it is
easy to fall into the narcissistic trap and no one should feel
foolish for falling for it. The best thing you can do for yourself
is to CUT IT OFF.I wish the very best for you!!!
*
Aileen
Yes, he sounds like a narc. Be vigilant and go no contact
immediately. It will be easier if you end it before he can. It will
drive him insane but empower you and eliminate the drama surrounding
the new supply
*
Rosie
This describes my mom to a T. I havent been able to understand why
she treats me this way. Its very confusing and hurtful. Im in no
contact with her right now and life is more peaceful without her.
She is attempting to hoover again. I am a very deeply caring person
and now I know she likes to feed off that. She has admitted she is
incapable of connecting emotionally. Whenever I am around her she is
critical, disrepects me, crosses all of my boundaries, refuses to
acknowledge her mistakes or the past abuse that she gave me. Her
latest tactics are to use her religious views against me sadly.
31 years of her emotionally abuse and manipulation has manifested in
all of the symptoms this article lists. Thankfully after years of
counseling and group therapy I am on the mend. Not cured but I am

seeing progress! I am encouraged to realize no contact is the best
with the narcissist.
*
Hank
This is not someone that any of us need in our lives and yet is
feels at times like they are pervasive, that they are like leeches
and they get embedded and it is hard to get rid of them even after
you can see them for who they really are.
*
denise
I went through this for nearly seven years, however, I think my ex
to be more of a narcissistic sociopath.
*
Kell
I think that this could be hard for someone who has not experienced
it first hand to understand because there are no wounds that are
visible. Everything that you experience hurts on the inside so it is
hard for others to even recognize when something bad is happening in
the relationship. I also think that it is hard to understand on a
personal level because again, there are no visible wounds so you
think that no one will believe that you are actually being abused.
*
Gustina
I agree totally. People who have not experienced this firsthand have
no idea what its like. People judge you for being cruel if you
decide to go no contact or very limited contact, which leaves you
feeling guilty and then you go back to trying to make it work. Which
just prolongs your pain.
*
creed
Why is it always the people who are getting hurt who are the ones
who wind up knowing that they need to be in therapy but the ones who
are doing all of the hurting? They never see themselves being at
fault in any way.
*
Christie
The victim is usually genuine, whereas the abuser is hiding from
their authentic self.
*
Alice, Sophomore at 68
I wish we would stop calling it domestic violence.I dont think
we need to quantify where it takes place. Violence is violence. I
got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive
Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life; I think it should be
required reading for everyone on the planet.
Abusers are emotional vampires; their secret.to get you to
constantly explain yourself
I wrote (and presented) my paper, Societys Hidden Pandemic, Verbal
Abuse, Precursor to Physical Violence and a FOrm of Biochemical
Assault at the Michigan Counseling Association (no degree, but a
lifetime of experience and research)Did you know that with verbal
abuse alone, that the brain can physically change?!
I wrote about my life of overcoming (and thriving) and won a
scholarship at age 60 and am a Sophomore at 68 (counseling).
My goal is to speak on National Television about this shredding of
souls. When you blame me, you shame me, and keep me silent.
Kind Regards, Alice
Overcomer, wounded healer, dancer, singer, author, poet, Vietnam era
Veteran
*
bj
February 21st, 2015 at 10:11 AM
Thank you. At 59 I needed your inspiring words.
*
Ruby
To Lorraine, yes, I would say you are describing narcissistic
behavior. I too dated and lived with a man who was emotionally
abusive. He made me feel very special at the beginning, but after
sometime he isolated me from family and friends and blamed me for
the things going wrong in his life. After two years, I moved out.
Shortly after, he attempted to apologize and made excuses for his
behavior. I did not take him back and I felt a great relief after
several months. The analogy of the abuser being like a vacuum is
accurate. Looking back at the relationship I was constantly drained
of energy and life.
*
Lynn
Gustina, I dont think you should feel like a fool. Doesnt everyone
expect their mom to love them? I have this same situation with my
sister and I just figured out this year at age 51 that its a dead
end. I have detached. Creed: I think the reason that the Narcissist
doesnt get help is its part of the sickness. How do they get help
for perfection? Their ego is a mess.
*
rhonda
My workplace supports the narcissists resulting in multiple and
continual victims. the Hoover maneuver concept fits
perfectly.Knowing and naming it does not stop them. Death by a
thousand cuts.
*
Lisa
@Alice
Bravo! Im getting out of 24 years to a Covert Narc. The discovery
in this divorce is PARALYZING at best. I just woke up from a 10 year
fog, each time I rose above the fog, I battled oppression that was
so thick, it smothered me.
I have 4 children, I did the sacrifice of staying to give them
continuity, I was so WRONG, because they all got screwed into his
manipulation. Thus, them blame me and its severed some bridges.
Ive been seeking out books, and therapy, alt med treatments, etc.
I FOUND EMDR THERAPY to be excellent at finding triggers in one
session!!! It is truly amazing how fast you come to where it all
started. My first one took me back to the age of 5 in 10 mins! Ive
been through acupuncture, Chiropractors, hypnosis, and biofeedback.

Ive been 9 months without a sleep cycle (3hours) in 2011, but this
time around I accumulated CPTSD with Fibromyalgia OH SO PAINFUL,
everyday now for 16 months :( no good days without pain, because
everyday a piece to the puzzle being his supply pops into view. 24
years to put together. I cant see my mom after heart surgery,
because I feel so wrong to moanin pain and all I want to do is take
her pain from her and bare it with my daily agony. I just look
forward to moving away up to my family, far away from him.
BTW my mom went back to university for her second bachelors
(geriatrics) at 65 :) You go girl!
Lisa
*
Sweetnlucky
For those that are recovering from living with a parent who is a
narcissist what would you have told your 14 or 15 year old self
about how to deal with it knowing what you do now? Im looking to
help my daughter dealing with her fathers narcissism. They dont
live together (fortunately) but he is a part of her life (which
causes more harm than not).
*
Gustina
To Sweetnlucky: this is a very hard situation for a teenager to deal
with emotionally. I feel for her!!! As a child, you cant even
imagine the thought that a parent can actually behave so selfishly.
But,my advice to your daughter would be to do some mental imagery
with her. (I HAVE 3 TEENAGERS AND, I WOULD ADVISE YOU TO HAVE
SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOURSELF DO THIS WITH HER UNLESS SHE STILL
RESPECTS YOU AND ASKS FOR YOUR ADVICE) Ok, when she is preparing to
spend time with her father (even if its just a 15 min visit) have
her sit in a chair with her eyes closed. Have her pretend that she
has a zipper directly over her heart. Now, have her unzip that
zipper and reach in and grab her tender heart, which holds all of
her feelings and her self esteem. Then have her place this heart in
a safe and lock it up. Only she knows the combination to get her
heart out of the safe. Then explain to her that although her body is
going to be with her father, all of her feelings and self esteem are
locked tightly in that safe. She cant get her feelings hurt if they
are safe and securely locked away. She can retrieve her self esteem
and feelungs when she is home and in a safe place. THIS IS POWERFUL.
I hope it will help you ;)
*
Gustina

I meant feelings not feelungs. Sorry
*
T.Rose.S
After reading some of these comments I wish I could talk to some of
the commenters, I have recognized the pattern used for almost ten
years and through 4 or 5 seperations. Every time I fell for it. This
time i have found a healthy relationship in which he is willing to
stand up for me and reaffirm that i am not in the wrong. recently
this good influence had to work out of state for three weeks and my
ex has been contacting me, I suppose he saw an opportunity to try
and work his con. I will not buckle!
*
Sue
I think it is extremely difficult for children of a narcissist
parent. The healthy partner will eventually cut off all contact, but
the children will have some sort of a relationship with their mother
or father for the duration. There are many reasons for the children
to disengage from the parent, but circumstances surface that will
require decisions from time to time. It puts tremendous emotional
strain on them and with much support, they are able to wrestle with
this serious mental illness their parent experiences. I lived this
life and it was a constant challenge that was met with many
emotionally charged situations.
*
Elizabeth
May 5th, 2015 at 3:01 AM
My daughter (16y) has been trying to have no contact with her N
father but the courts/police have been negligent in protecting her.
Through the divorce process we have both been abused further by
ignorance/hostility and outdated protocol in the legal system.
*
C_RN
First I want to thank you all for sharing this topic. I never
realized there was a term for experiencing this kind of abuse. I am
a survivor as well. I did experience boughts of panic and anxiety,

depression, and the episodes anxiety are now few and far between. My
anxous reactions occur now only when he attempts to contact me. He
actually called me out of the blue (from another number) to tell me
that his phone was being serviced and not to attempt to contact him!
(I had been in no contact for months!) reading this article helped
to validate my feelings and reactions to having experienced this
relationship. Now that I know what it was, I can recognize the
pattern, commit to and be consistent with no contact, and continue
to heal. I will also now Be able to help identify these patients
suffering from this and help refer them to therapists specializing
in this treatment.
*
Carson
As soon as you recognize this then you need to get this person out
of your life. Nothing good is ever going to come from them being a
part of you they are the only ones who will ever get anything out of it
*
Rose
February 22nd, 2015 at 3:18 PM
Ive been involved with a narc I think for 2 yrs now. I love him so
much and I think he cares for me as much as he can, but i always
feel manipulated and used. I let him move in w me bc I felt sorry
for him, but I keep payin his bills. If I complain, he says hes
going to leave or kill himself, so I always let him back into my
heart. He does bring me some joy, but at a great price- feeling
miserable, lonely, guilty and hurt 1/2 the time. I dont know how to
break away.
*
Laura M
March 25th, 2015 at 8:52 AM
Rose, although its counter-intuitive, take heart from the fact
that, because its never been about you, you are not going to be
able to save him. You, and your True Self, are not really present
for him, so you are not responsible either. What you need to do is
to take care of your own happiness, peace of mind and health. Taking
responsibility for your own life is the best and only way for you to
to live, and for him to learn to respect you. Falling into a
Caretaker role will only change you in ways that will do you no
good. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the
Drama and Get On with Life, by Margalis Fjelstad, is a fantastic
book that will empower you and all others dealing with Narcissists.
*
rhonda
February 22nd, 2015 at 3:23 PM
Such informed and heartfelt comments representing so much pain. Roll
on Royal Commission and hope the commissioners are as fantastic as
the RC into institutional abuse currently extended to deal with the
depth and bredth of such a societal scourge. Acknowledgment and
recognition of all types of abuse by those in power and weild power
over others wil assist healing and the possibility of retrieving
personal power once again. Next Royal Commission needs to be focused
on naming and shaming Narcs and their organisations who harbour and
hire the Narcs to do a job on employees. All power to you who
recognise and exit the personal power drain of pathological Narcs.
*
Rhonda R.
February 23rd, 2015 at 2:47 AM
Whats the best thing I can or say for someone I know who is caught
in this and finds it difficult to break out. this person feels that
they are locked in because of a financial situation.
*
Neal
what is a person missing in their own life that they would need to
suck another dry like this?
*
Kris
Not much of a comment, more of a question. What is a person to do
when the narcissistic abuser is my mother. I have limited my contact
with her over the years, but I have two disabled brothers that live
with her. If I cut off total contact,I am cutting myself off from
them as well.
I was so relieved to find out about this topic because I finally
have a beginning answer to all the craziness I was raised in.
*
Alice
Narcissists (look up Sam Vaknin.he has written extensively on

Narcissim.he is.a narcissist).
Narcissists are miserable people; they dont see/hear others; they
are too busy focusing on themselves.only; they dont have the
ability for empathy and usually stop maturing at about age 13.that
is why they are usually so childish in their behavior.
*
rhonda
February 23rd, 2015 at 8:27 PM
Rhonda R,
Support her to seek financial and legal information as well as
emotional and physical safety from womens health. It is important
to establish personal safety and options before you poke the angry
bear this might be overt or covert but he will try everything to
regain control. Informed decisions and exploration of feelings is
paramount as your friend needs to make her own decisions. no one
else.He will manipulate her and she may shoot the messenger and
you will have lost your friendship. Look after you as well
*
Creed
They are miserable people and it is almost as if their one goal is
to make someone else miserable too.
*
tierney
I hope that I never come to a point in my life where the only thing
I have to look forward to is making someone else feel bad about
themselves. How low I must have sank to get to that point!
*
Kathy
March 24th, 2015 at 9:52 AM
What do I do when I want to stay in my granddaughters lives but
their mother is emotionally abusing me. They are 13 and 14. Should I
send them cards and gifts or just let them go completely. It seems
when I send cards or gifts their mother trys to engage with me
again. She is very manipulative and has poisoned the girls against
me. It hurts like hell but the only answer seems to be to disengage
with her, my son and te girls

*
Andrietta
March 24th, 2015 at 2:12 PM
I married one and his daughters is a narc as well. At the end of the
day Im exhausted. Im a Christian and dont want to abandon them
but they are cruel and users. Its weird its like he knows when Im
thinking of leaving he changes for a brief time. Says he doesnt
mean it etc. I dont know what to do!
* The GoodTherapy.org Team
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Thank you for your comment, Andrietta. We wanted to provide links to
some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more
information about domestic violence at
http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html
and additional information about what to do in a crisis at
http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
Warm regards,
*
Anne
May 9th, 2015 at 11:20 AM
Andrietta,
I am in the same position you are in. My husband is an abuser,
definitely hoovered everything from me in the 2 years of marriage we
had. I filed for divorce. No contact is the ONLY way to be free of
these people. I am a Christian too, and had been praying about
leaving for months. Then his web of lies started coming unraveled,
and found he never even meant his vows, they were all a lie from the
beginning. As soon as I told him to get out of my house, he ran
straight home to his mommy to suck her dry even more than he already
has. He quit his job (the 8th one hes had in 12 months), and
abandoned our daughter, who is 13 months old.
It is a challenging decision to leave, especially being a Christian
who doesnt believe that divorce is right. I offered him a healing
separation, like Dobson talks about in his book on Tough Love. My
spouse didnt want that. He wanted me all or nothing. Because all we
are is objects to these people. They arent capable of love or any
other emotion. They dont even love themselves, how could they ever
love us like Christ loved the church??? They cant. And wont. Ever.
I swear my husband is possessed by demons, with all the evil he has
done and continues to do.

Hold your head high, you arent in control of his behavior. You are
allowed to leave and be happier. He is taking you farther away from
God, and Jesus knows that and forgives us for divorcing these
creatures! Personally, I would rather be forgiven for a divorce,
where in my singledom I can get back to God, than trapped with
someone who will make sure I never grow spiritually. Good luck hun
and God bless. He sees you and knows your agony. <3
*
Marie
Very well writtenthis article has summed up my relationship
perfectly. We have been together 15 years, married for 8, and just
now do I have the insight & courage to break free. So worried about
the impact he will have on our children in the future as they grow
older, but by leaving the relationship, I know they will have one
healthy, stable primary parent.
One thing I dont think was mentioned, is that narcissists are
extremely charming and manipulative. I think only those in close
relationships see them without their masks.
*
jeannie
March 26th, 2015 at 11:46 AM
Marie, I could have written your reply myself. Left after 20
years.and everyone thinks hes a wonderful man. Of course he has
helped that opinion along by telling everyone how I have hurt him
and our children.
*
rhonda
Kathy,
Can you seek some support to talk this through with a good
therapist. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) or Rational Emotive
Therapy (self help books available)will assist you to verbalise your
dilemas and grief over the inability to be part of your
Grandchildrens lives without the emotional abuse from Narc. You can
change your thinking and feelings aroound this, make your own
decisions based on what skills you can develope to deflect hurtful
projections and manage to have some relationship with your
Grandies.All power to you. remember what they say and do reflects
what is about them and not you. you might like to imagine a mirror
between her and you so whatever hurtful manipulation etc is given
out bounces back at the narc, and is not integrated into your loving
self. Yoga can also help that self strengthening, focusing on the
inner nurturer, only responsible for one self and accepting that
change comes from within and what is around us just is and not our
responsibility. Hope this helps.
*
marleny
April 20th, 2015 at 1:31 PM
from reading this n what everyone is saying im guessing my
ex/boyfriend whatever he is in my life is at narcissist. he has been
in my life for 3yrs kno. and for the 1st yr everything was ok we had
our ups n downs but we worked them thru. he lost his father n then
his friend n then things changed. cheating, lien, i feel used. i try
to leave n get out but i feel lost with out him i dont kno what to
do. i have changed my number 2 times n he txt or calls or email n i
fall into it. i changed my # n its like a drug to have to talk to
him. i dont kno why i even think he can change, it kills me inside.
he dont see the pain he is causing me. i need help to get out of it
n not fall back but i dont know how :(
*
Maeven
October 18th, 2015 at 4:34 PM
There are so many resources on line! Dig in and find the ones that
ring true for you! The only solution is NO CONTACT.
*
rhonda
April 21st, 2015 at 4:45 PM
Marleny, yes you do need support, as in a coach/therapist to break
the cycle of dependance. HE may be grieving and depressed but you
cannot change him, only yourself. Get some support or your self
esteem will drown in this relationship. It only gets worse with time
and if you bring children into this.Get help.
*
Carrie
May 4th, 2015 at 10:22 PM
Tonight at work I showed one of my friends at the vindictive little
tricks the other girls are doing to me. She could not believe how
petty and childish they are. My friend could not believe how they
come to work to be such babies. She reminded me, God is watching
and they will get what is coming to them!!
*
Shani
May 4th, 2015 at 11:37 PM
im wondering if I had the hoover manuover done on me!
Im sure my ex is a narcissist!
I dumped him after another tantrum in which involved me called be
police and later on him blaming me!
For months he sent love songs, texts even flowers, never had flowers
even after our kids were born, no note though with them! Offered me
coffee, takeaways etc etc, then suddenly hes got a girl friend and
shes moved in with him!! Wow not even introduced her to the kids!
Then the random stuff begins, once maybe twice a month a email of
nothing but a jar of sweets or something else! Then social media,
the endless pics of them posing looking so happy!! Then the texts
telling me he met a famous guy at the weekend! ???? Yes and ????
Youve got a girl friend so why text me??? Its been 5 mths since
then as I ignored everything he sent me and hes gone completely silent!
I was wondering if he was trying to manipulate me or possibly
triangulate??
*
Maeven
Bothe triangulation and hoovering!They use multiple tactics at once.
*
Kay
May 21st, 2015 at 3:31 PM
My Father was a narcissist didnt have a label at the time. I only
knew he was a black cloud in our family never knew when hed blow
and was the most sarcastic, nasty person Id ever known. Not until
I was in my 50s did I label it. The damage was done. Carried over
into my relationships. I almost married another narcissist.
Cerebral. He left me after a year with no explanation. Just got up
and left. He came back 4 yrs later. Why? Out of supply. Hed killed
my love for him and I told him to go. Fast forward 4 yrs.
Met another man. Energetic. Fun. Confident.Within a month, I
discovered him cheating but I stayed. I was hooked. He was a liar
an alcoholic cheap selfish stingy unreliable and I stayed
anyway. I was addicted to the bad boy.
I married him. was tired of the roller coaster and wanted it to
stop. I thought if I brought stability to his life organization,
etc. hed thrive. 3-l/2 yrs ago. Then the real abuse started. Rather
than appreciate my contributions he took advantage of me and
escalated his demands. He threatened to smash in my face, took up
with another woman when out of town and I was having surgery, was
neglectful, never gave me a dime had to beg for grocery money
and the kicker.. The last straw Mothers Day and he deliberately
refused to acknowledge me. I told him if he disrespected me ONE MORE

TIME I was OUT the door. I left. For Good. He was sucking the life
out of me. Hed taken everything from me..EVERYTHING. But the ONE
thing he will NEVER take is my Soul. He was killing my spirit.. I
WAs exhausted, confused, sad, lonely, isolated, and ignored. Broke
up Mothers Day. Moved back to the house I still owned that my
daughter was living in.. NO CONTACT..I am going to be 66 yrs old. I
dont know why I could ever believe that someone elses
happiness/welfare was more important than my own.. I apologize to ME
for abusing ME. I am valuable.I am lovable. I am a human being. THEY
are hollow. Save yourselves and leave.
*
rhonda
May 22nd, 2015 at 12:02 AM
Kay, you strong Blessed self: Celebrate that you have a soul and
spirituality, when those who need to prey on others do not: They set
up organised religions and all things controlling. Well done free
spirit.
*
Christy
June 7th, 2015 at 9:30 AM
Hello- Kay, you are right, they ARE hollow; hollow empty souls. I
told my oldest sister one day about 8 months ago that she was a sad
empty soul. She looked angry and confused and slammed door. I
believe she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I unfortunately
had to move in w/her & my elderly mother for financial reasons. Its
been almost 6 yrs. Ive developed health problems, had surgeries,
that have prevented me from working and moving back on my own. I
will be moving soon ( working on plan) She has bullied me and
emotionally abused me and denies it. Weve had horrible arguments. I
stand up for myself and tell her how I feel so she doesnt like that
which gets her angry. Ive been scared. Then theres this period
where we wont talk & avoid each other. I dont see her much anyhow.
Then she will start being nice to me, make small talk, and pretend
everything ok. Cycle repeats. Now Ive gotten point where I dont
want to talk to her and get Hoovered in as the that term says.
Its hard when person is in house. She lies, does things
intentionally to irritate me, make me annoyed, even sick ( I get
migraines from fragrances and smells, etc) I am sick, so stressed I
get migraines almost daily. Shes controlling, cold, has no empathy,
self entitled, and lacks remorse. Shes very cruel. Whats best way
to detach when you still have to live with someone?? Last couple
days Ive been trying to not say one word and she keeps trying to
talk to me. Shes guilty cause she left for a nice fancy vacation
and left my mom and I here. ( we dont feel well enough to go
anyhow, I dont want go w/her) But she goes lots places and does
what she pleases. We are stuck in house, no transportation. She
doesnt give a crap. Its all about HER. And she complains how hard
she has it. My mom and I are both disabled in lots of pain, cant
work. Im struggling to just type this on phone. Anyhow. Wanted to
share my story cause these leeches can also be family members and
not just romantic partners.
*
Kay
June 8th, 2015 at 10:18 AM
Rhonda
Thank you for sharing your story I know its hard but do your best
to distance yourself from any narcissistic person. Some we cant
avoid but we can limit our interactions by not volunteering to be
their victims. Keep a stoneface. Dont respond. Monotone. It works.
She THINKS its all about her.. Its not. Set boundaries and STICK
TO THEM.
My Father was a narcissist nasty, abusive, and a horrible role
model. Ruined every relationship I ever had men and women. I was
so bitter and angry that anyone could treat me so badly for NO good
reason! So I do have experience with that, too.
Stay strong!! No amount of pleading, reasoning, negotiating, crying,
anger.. will help. Just try to avoid her. I wish you well and know..
that YOU are the healthy one. She will never be.
God Bless.
*
Christy
June 11th, 2015 at 2:24 PM
Kay- I think you meant to address your last post to me, Christy, not
Rhonda?
Anyhow. Thanks for your advice, insight and sharing what youve been
through with your narcissistic father. That mustve been a nightmare.
These last 5 days with my sister gone on vacation have been so
great! Ive been more relaxed, peaceful, not much tension in house.
Its like our house was possessed and the ghosts/spirits left, lol.
I dread her coming back. I know shell want attention but Im going
to ignore her as much as I can. I actually can do the stoneface
pretty easily cause I just DONT like her.
Thanks for sharing your stories everyone. It has helped me to gain
more insight.
*
rhonda
June 10th, 2015 at 5:06 PM
I have recently completed a 4 day workshop on Resolving
Vilification. It answered so many questions about the Physical,

psycholigical emotional, financial, eduational and professional and
social IMPACT of the Narcs who target and vilify addictively.
I learned of the physical impact this abuse has on the human brain
and hence the body, autoimmune system and so much more.
I have finally found a way to begin to actually heal in lieu of
dragging a dark debilitating cloud around in my life.
*
Patricia
December 14th, 2015 at 2:05 PM
Rhonda plz help me I have lost so much weight went to the Drs & all
couldnt find anything wrong now reading up on the Narcissist my
body is going through the depression too..so so sad
*
cam
July 23rd, 2015 at 10:28 AM
i have had no contact with my narc going on 2 months a few weeks ago
i started to get calls on my cell and they would come up as private
number wich is very odd it started on a gloomy sunday i got 5 in the
span of an hour and 3 the next day and they stop for a week and then
i will get 2 in a row and than stop for a week and than ill get them
again is this her way of hoovering or trying to mess the few people
that i did talk to the first thing they said its her,,,am i being
paranoid or is this a way of her hoovering or trying to stop the no
cantact
*
Jodie
August 24th, 2015 at 4:13 AM
Happening as Im writing this. Reading this to keep strong.
*
Suzanne
September 17th, 2015 at 11:56 AM
Hi Jodie,
Found this website after breaking up with abusive narcissist, and
getting hoovered the next day.:(
If u would like a support buddy, perhaps we could be supportive of
each other.
I know already a lot abt this stuff, but got conned anyway. I would
be happy to dialogue, if u choose.

Thank u.. and hoping ur hanging in there with NC. It is isnt easy.
Sincerely
Suzanne
*
Rose
September 17th, 2015 at 2:29 PM
I finally had enough and kicked out my narcissist with my familys
help. I was doing great, then felt so lonely last weekend. My tire
blew out on the highway, and I called him big mistake. He wanted
money for helping me, even though I had already given him $15,000 in
a 2 year period, plus always paid his way for eating out, movies,
gas. It was a total con game for him. I dont know how I could be so
stupid, but now he actually has rejected me, because I wouldnt give
him any more money, so, its hurting, but I know I will heal in
time. He is a classic narcissist. Thinks only of himself and what he
wants. I was to blame for all his money problems and general life
problems, so therefore he required that I support him both
emotionally and financially. Awful, awful relationship. Why did I
stay in it so long? I dont understand myself.
*
Rose
Thanks to all for your comments. Its amazing how some of your
comments describe my situation with my narcissist exactly to the
T. Im finally done with this man, survived, lost $15,000, but I
am still financially OK. It has made me really mad mad enough to
have the energy to start my own business and become very, very, wealthy.
*
Ange
September 20th, 2015 at 7:32 AM
Hi all, I am day 8 of NC with my ex, well sort of I work in a pub so
was waiting for the inevitable show of face as this has always
worked in getting me back in the past, this always being after a
disappearing act plus 3 or 4 days of the silent treatment to which I
never try to contact him.
After our last break up I was reluctant to get back with him after
everything he had done to me the packing his stuff and the coming
and goings, it was like every 6 weeks or so hed be off on his bike
again!
But after yet another silent treatment and him knowing I was out
with friends I received a text from him saying basically he wanted
to end it all and he would see me in another life! Of course I
responded He has a cocaine habit which he blamed all the lying,
cheating, paranoia, disappearing acts on, everything he ever done

was down to his drug problem and to a point i wanted to believe it
was the drugs too.. He begged me to help get him off it and his
words no mine have a normal life and all our troubles would be over
Not! So guess what 6 week in to a 12 step program to get off the
coke he announces he not happy, doesnt feel the same about me packs
his stuff and goes!
I told him the last tine we got back together, the next time you
leave will be the last time you come back! And this time I mean it!
So Im behind the bar and in he comes dead on 3pm when I
startserved him had a bit of a smile a but of chit chat I have to
keep it professional unfortunately as I cant be seen to be an
emotional mess behind the bar in front of the customers
Then my watsapp alert went off..
Message reads:
Sorry to come in while your working,I hope that isnt just your pub
persona your giving off lol.. Im sorry Im on such an emotional
rollercoaster at the mo and didnt want to make you unhappyi just
want you to know your the first thing I think of when I wake up
everyday.love RP xx
My translation of this is:
Hi I purposely turned up on your shift today just to make sure your
not over me and heartbroken..i do hope your in bits lol..
Im actually on my very own rollercoaster of manipulation and its the
perfect cover for treating you like shit on a daily basis for trying
to stand by me and support me for the idiot you are.
Anyways Im thinking of making a reappearance in your life to cause
more havoc and destruction and if Im really lucky completely brake
ya this time but this being once Im done screwing about or my new
squeeze dont quite pan out..
So what do you think aye, fancy another go on the merry go round
Love RP xx
I did not respond and deleted it.. He then sent a message saying
thanks for the fing reply..
This is my new trick, read what he actually means not what he has
written This and all your comments on here are what are keeping me
going..
Be strong, be happy, be free.
Xx
*
Rose
Ange,
I can totally relate to his response thanks for your fing reply.
My narcissist used those tactics on me ALL the time and I fell for
it over and over. That kind of response is meant to make you feel
guilty and make you feel sorry for him. I believe they are naturally
good at this. Like you said. Be free. Be happy. You dont need this
abusive man in your life. Missing him will fade in time. Just give
it time.
*
Ange
September 21st, 2015 at 3:02 AM
Thank you for the reply, Im thinking like you I became a cash cow I
have money put away and he managed to get his hands on a 1000 of
it my friends are telling me to ask him for it back but I know it
will be a long drawn out process plus contact with him outside of
the pub so Im just going to let it goI think my sanity is worth more
He messaged again last night saying he was at his meeting and hes
still clean and that he thinks of me all the time!! The last
conversation we had was that his feelings had changed and he wasnt
happyhes acting like none of the above happened and hes on some
sort of business trip and hell be home for dinner!
Im learning, the patterns are the same.. but I struggle with that
tiny bit of hope that he is able to change when that comes I just
read up on this whole crazy disorder again and again to reinforce
that this is his life and what he likes to do!
Very hard to understand somebody who intentionally likes to hurt and
use people when Im the complete opposite..its so hard to compute!
Thanks again for your support,, I have friends but they just think I
need to get over it..its nice to speak to someone thats been there..
Take care
Xx
*
Maeven
Yes! Writing down what the narc means, translating from what it
appears to mean, based on what youve learned fom experience, is
empowering. Ive been doing that too,and have been able to maintain
NO CONTACT despite gifts arriving via FedEx,UPS, US Mail, in
addition to phonecalls, texts and emails.
*
Rose
September 21st, 2015 at 12:21 PM
Ange,
Let the money go and let him go. He will never change. I always
had that tiny bit of hope too, but his patterns remain the same,
even though he has, I think become a little more patient and a
little less angry hes still the same. I thought things would
change when he got a better job nope he got a better job and he
still expected me to pay his way! In fact, he wanted to show me the
beautiful blinds he installed at a trendy bar, so we went there in
my car, my gas, and I bought him a very expensive beer and myself
one drink. The entire event cost me about $40.00. He is NEVER going
to change. Read about how to get over a breakup. Its not easy. I
just spent the weekend in a deep depression, but better this
temporary phase than the rest of my life with someone who uses me
emotionally, financially, and physically, someone who Im at first
excited to be with, but by power, manipulation, and control, ends up
draining all my energy and doesnt realize hes doing it! Walk
away. Let it go. And I will do the same. Its a process. It takes
time. Take the time and let him go.
Best,
Rose
*
Ange
September 22nd, 2015 at 2:19 PM
Again Rose thank you for your kind words and support your story is
my story even down to everytime we stepped out the front door I came
home with a much lighter purse!
I feel for you with regards to the depression, its a terrible thing
to go through..I hope you get through this soon.. so sad that this
is caused by the actions of sombody else big hugs to you x
Im doing all the things you have suggested, some days it gives me
grate strength and other days like today Im struggling, not helped
by a good night text last night but like you I want a happy life..
I too hated the feeling of being drained all the time and knew that
it was him making me feel this way..I wasnt like this before!
I question myself daily, why do I miss what I know isnt good for
me! He came into my life with nothing and left the same way! My mind
boggles.
I wish you well Rose on your road to being happy..
Xx
*
Rose
Ange,
Its normal to miss him. I miss my guy immensely, but Ive just had
it. As I write this, I still want to text him, but Im not going to.
I find myself daydreaming of how good it could be if he was more
normal,but hes never going to change. I wen thru this exercise

where u write down every negative thing about him and I just kept
writing and writing. He has really done some cruel mean shit to me.
When I start to miss him, I take out what I wrote, and remember how
hurt he made me feel, then I dont miss him for a while. He once
broke a wine bottle and 2 glasses on the street, drove my car 90 mph
and threatened to wrap the car around a pole, unless I gave him all
the money in my wallet ALL BC I joked about how he never keeps a job
in front of one of his friends. He did this after I had paid for
appetizers and drinks for all of us- 54.00 AND Im absolutely
certain he had something going on with the restaurant hostess. It
was so blatantly obvious! Im sure he either knew her, had sex with
her, or got her number. I think of this and wonder how could I want
to see him after this, but I did. So, my advice is it will be hard,
but try to do the no contact thing. Youre only prolonging the
healing process. I feel better every day and so relaxed. What I just
described was only one episode of many. I could write a book and I
just might! Best wishes. Remember no contact is best!
*
Patricia
Thank you so much Rose,Im going through it now been no contact for
3wks wasted 5yrs of my life now the divorce..I just want this all to
be over..cant eat loosing weight just wanna scream
continously..thanks again
*
Rose
September 21st, 2015 at 1:03 PM
And also, your friends and even family will not fully understand!
But there is plenty of support here and on-line. Just google how to
move on after a breakup. There is a ton of help out there and of
course there is personal therapy which I used while I was IN the
relationship with him. I know now, the moving on and healing is all
up to me. Its tough at first, but the more time passes, the easier
it gets, until one day, you dont think of him anymore. Ive just
started this process myself. It is almost physically debilitating. I
want so badly to re-connect, because part of our relationship was
happy and excited, but mostly it wasnt happy and it was draining.
We tend to only remember the good parts. Ive started writing down
all the bad parts and there were many more bad parts. Trust me, I
going thru the exact same thing you are. Best wishes,
Rose
*
Haley
I wish I had read this 16 years agothis is EXACTLY what happened to

me, I now suffer the wrath of the NARC in the most horrendous way.
2
*
Rose
September 23rd, 2015 at 8:19 AM
Haley,
Tell me what happened. I want to text him so bad. I wake up crying
almost daily. I feel like a zombie must feel half alive and half
dead. I guess its depression. Im seeing my therapist tomorrow.
There must be something wrong with us, some insecurity to want to be
with a person like this. He still blames me and says I treated him
ugly. It was just my way Ive trying to escape him. So, yeah I said
some ugly things to him., but what about his behavior that caused me
to say the ugly things? He feels he didnt do anything wrong. Pray
for me. Pray for us.
*
Rose
September 23rd, 2015 at 2:03 PM
Just got a shot of reality. Today, I texted him a minion holding a
teddy bear that said Miss You. He texted back What do you want?
I texted, World Peace. He texted You need to write me a check.
Suddenly, I dont miss him so much.
*
Allison
November 9th, 2015 at 4:54 AM
It was discard #3 when I finally came upon narcissistic abuse. Prior
to that time I was a shell of myself, losin weight from not eating,
sobbing on the floor, feeling like a total failure and that no one
would ever love me but I didnt know why. Prior to him I was a
pretty confident woman, minus some insecurities due to things that
happened in my childhood thats the one thing I wish I hadnt
shared with him. No matter the issue, no matter the requests I had
for him to go back to being the man I fell in love with, he would
immediately use those insecurities as the SOLE reason things werent
working out between us. The times he would come back, which I now
know is Hoovering, my confidence would be on 1000% and he would
systematically keep bringing up who I used to be until he slowly
brought me back into the land of anxiety and doubting myself all
over again.
This past June I ended the relationship. 4 years of this was enough.
I have been no contact ever since (5 months). I have blocked him
from my phone, texts, all social media and up until recently all
emails go straight to the deleted folder (I was told to put them in
another folder in case I needed them for legal purposes). Last week
I saw that he has sent me 6 messages in 12 daysone email was
blaming my insecurities on why things didnt work out again,
telling me I was crazy for not seeing how much he loves me and
piling on more of the spiritual abuse he did throughout our
relationship, followed by a link to what men wish women knew about
them, 3 sermons on insecurity and then one telling me about a new
highway opening up. I have still remained silent.
1. When will this end?
2. Why did I have to fight myself to not respond to the first email
blaming me for the relationship not working?
*
Marie
November 19th, 2015 at 6:26 PM
I have been no contact for 7 weeks. I had a few encounters with him
showing up at my door telling me he missed me and how much he loved
me but them immediately went to if I didnt act the way I did, he
wouldnt say the things he says. Yes always my fault. I told him to
leave which was a struggle for me. Then came by my house again a few
weeks later to flaunt two very young girls in the car with him.
Every day is a struggle for me. I know he wont change , its been
over 3 years , but every day is a struggle. Effects my entire life.
Dont know how to move past this. I just want to forget it ever
happened.
*
Patricia
Lady,Im trying myself been married for 5yrs & a waste of my time
been 3wks no contact..once your on to them they get nervous..oh &
wit the new supply not new though..wait til she gets it..good luck
*
Naomi
I cant decide totally if my ex is a Narc but he has many tendicies
of my ex husband who is through and through a Narc. He is selfish
plays the blame game is a complete ass to me and then begs
forgiveness. Now he wants another go and says we should try
counciling together. Im thinking this is another ploy to get me to
take him back
*
shanna

Ive been married to a narcissist sociopath for 13 yrs. So much
damage has been done but Im rebuilding. I started the no contact
but we have a child together and are not divorced or legally
separated yet. The threats of taking my son and the very few things
I have left have me living in fear. He fools everyone around him
into thinking Im an awful person when all I ever tried to do was
help him. He is a sick and twisted man I dont want my son to be
ducked in by his disception. What do I do? I work hard but barely
make ends meet. Are there any ways to make this easier, for I cant
handle anymore of his abuse?
*
shanna
I keep reading the comments on here and I didnt mention the
adultery his bizarre sex request and his drug abuse that he blames
everything on. Hes fooled everyone for years saying hes clean and
getting sympathy from, I call them his chearleaders By making it
look like Im not understanding of his addiction and Im making it
hard on him. Ive stood by him through yrs of rehab when he would
hook up with all these young girls there. I think to him it felt
like he was in college. He would beg and cry to come come home, of
course I took him but yet I dont understand anything and I am the
horrible one when now Im living with my parents and my two boys and
when he met me I owned my own home and my vehicle out righthad
wonderful credit now Im starting from zero and he still is haunting
my life.
*
Giusi.
November 20th, 2015 at 8:09 AM
It has been 6 months and my nex wont stop hoovering me Im
starting to think they are delusional. Ive been advised to go to
the police several times by my friends and family. But I am really
trying to do this the most peaceful and mindful way possible. Some
advice?
*
Milly
January 22nd, 2016 at 9:07 AM
My sister is a narcissist who has caused me, and my husband, a lot
of grief. For some time, without us realizing, she told lies about
us to the others in the family who believed her even though I was
eventually able to prove she was wrong. She also maligned us both
behind our backs were not sure how far this has travelled but
have seen some evidence from family members not acknowledging gifts
and not inviting us to events when we might have expected to be.
Luckily we live a long way off so dont have to see her, except that
my mother is elderly and still needs our support. Sis is jealous
because she lives near to mom so has to do more to look after her
whilst I do what I can, visiting and having mom to stay when
possible, as well as phoning every day and helping with her
finances. But she has publicly, to my other siblings, unjustifiably
accused me of not doing enough to help and is winding them up to
agree with her nastiness. In the meantime, when she is is the mood,
she is sweetness and light, pretending that nothing has happened and
that all is well, hoovering away to keep in with me. Its hard to
comprehend that someone can be so nasty without any provocation or
retaliation and then just switch on the charm the next day. One
problem is getting my grown-up kids to understand that she is so
nasty as they have always only seen the smarmy, charming side of her
and some of them are in social media contact with her children so
its hard for them to cut off when they have had no personal abuse
themselves. We can only assume that the deep-seated reason behind
all of this is jealousy going back to childhood I wasnt aware
that she felt like this but there are obviously some serious
fracture lines there. Non-contact is definitely the only way to go
but total cut-off cant happen as long as mom is around.
*
Raven
This article is very helpful. I have narcissistic, emotionally
abusive parents.
At the age of 31, I am still feeling like a scolded child just for
having stood up for myself, not allowing them to cross my boundaries
and undermine my parenting. These are just a small scale model of an
example. To go in detail, I feel wpuld be a trigger for some.
I finally said no more on Friday, and my weekend consisted of my
mother and my father telling me I am a bully, that I am aggressive,
abusive and have anger problems or that I am having mood swings as
they always do when I stand my ground, try to set boundaries or even
just have my own point of view. When I did not accept that they
started accusing my husband of being abusive, and making me move
interstate just to keep me isolated amongst other horrid
accusations, When I was the one that made the call to move away! I
had enough, either I am a horrible evil daughter for standing up for
myself or I am under the control of an abusive husband who simply
cannot be strong enough to be saying enough without it controlled
by my husband.
Then I realized, they are projecting. They were the ones who made
move away from everyone I knew, the town I grew up in to a place
where I was isolated. I had noone. And when I did they accused them
of the same.
While they were essentially saying this is all in your head was a
trigger for another trauma in my life was caused by them I learned
something. Its not me and never has been. I also realize why they
have gotten under my skin for this long. Id finally realized how
wrong their behavior is. I recalled all the problems they had with
my siblings, that they poisoned me to think was not my parents
fault. They did the same to my siblings in different levels, and
they no longer have any contact with them yet they still refuse to
claim responsibility for.
They will never change and my life will never improve while they
have their claws in.
In short, this article has been a helpful tool and my experiences
have inspired me to want to study psychology so I can help others as
well as myself.
Thanks
*
Andrea Schneider, LCSW
<http://andreaschneiderlcsw.com/>
@Raven I am glad the article was helpful for you (I have written
more on the subject, listed under my profile). You may also find
support and validation from Karyl McBrides book Will I Ever Be Good
Enough?, addressing survivors of narcissistic abuse by parents
sending you healing wishes. Andrea Schneider, LCSW
*
Milly
March 1st, 2016 at 5:29 AM
Good luck, Raven it is so much worse when it is your parents doing
this sort of thing, people who should love and protect you. Now you
know what theyre like, and that there is to be no change, you must
operate self-preservation by permanently detaching yourself from
them as they have harmed you enough. You dont owe them anything.
You will find love from your husband and others who know you as the
good person you are.
*
Lisa
Ive been with to my husband for 14 years, 8 married. We had
beautiful times together but bad too. He was diagnosed with bipolar
disorder and pharma medicated as well as self medicated with
marijuana. I lost myself in his ways. I am now seeing the truth. He
is narcissistic and I didnt realize it. Im now in my third time
leaving him and before I believed his wanting to be a better person.
I fell for the hovering. Oive letters love songs words of sorry and
more God and prayer. Only to see again that he walks the path of
attention seeking. He took a job in another state and it all
happened again. Im so tired. I have now taken the no contact
approach. It is very difficult. I miss the good times. Then I
remember the bad. Its a horrible moment of confusion mentally. How
does everyone cope?
At a loss and so sad.
* The GoodTherapy.org Team

<http://www.goodtherapy.org/>
Dear Lisa,
Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of the difficulty
you are experiencing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not a substitute
for professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. Speaking
to a therapist or counselor can be helpful when moving forward after
any breakup but may be especially recommended when a relationship
was abusive.
You can find a list of therapists practicing in your area through
our website. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html
Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you
the best of luck in your search.
Kind regards,
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narcissistic supply to see if he or she can tap such individuals for

police involved, including but not limited to filing a

counseling and group therapy I am on the mend. Not cured but I am

been through acupuncture, Chiropractors, hypnosis, and biofeedback.

February 20th, 2015 at 9:08 PM

a survivor as well. I did experience boughts of panic and anxiety,

Narcissists (look up Sam Vaknin.he has written extensively on

with her, my son and te girls

done and continues to do.

refused to acknowledge me. I told him if he disrespected me ONE MORE

Vilification. It answered so many questions about the Physical,

be happy to dialogue, if u choose.

cheating, paranoia, disappearing acts on, everything he ever done

normal,but hes never going to change. I wen thru this exercise

I wish I had read this 16 years agothis is EXACTLY what happened to

November 19th, 2015 at 10:47 PM

* The GoodTherapy.org Team

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