3 Major Signs You'Re in A Trauma Bond - Avalanche of The Soul

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3 major signs youre in a trauma bond
August 27, 2015
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/3-major-signs-youre-in-a-tr
auma-bond/>
by AvalancheOfTheSoul
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/author/soulavalanche/>
in
Abusive tactics
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/category/abusive-tactics/>,
Getting free
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/category/getting-free/>,
Trauma bonding
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/category/trauma-bonding-2/>.
Are you struggling to understand why it is so hard to let go of a
violent or abusive relationship? Here are three signs that trauma
bonding may be holding you back.
1. Youre in a violent or otherwise abusive relationship, and
you dont know youd survive without him.
Trauma-bonding manifests in an intense attachment to the individual who
is causing you pain. At this point, you feel your mental and physical
wellbeing depends on your partner and thats not surprising. You put
his (or her) needs above your own, /every/ time. He dictates when you
are scared, and when you feel safe. He sets the rules, youre punished
if he thinks youve broken them. Often, youre caught out because he
doesnt tell you his rules, or he changes them without notice. This is
not accidental hes doing it deliberately to de-stabilise you and to
demonstrate his power as the ultimate Rule Maker.
2. You live for the good times.
He is also a source of relief and comfort, because when he decides to
reward you he may not hit or shout at you. He may even apologise for his
behaviour and be extra-loving for a while. This too is intentional.
Trauma bonding is formed from intermittent punishment/reward
behaviour patterns.
Tweet: Trauma bonding in #DomesticViolence is formed from intermittent
punishment/reward behaviour patterns via @Avalanche101
http://bit.ly/1JBTKWO <http://ctt.ec/Q6SuJ>
Unfortunately, your relief is only temporary as the tension quickly
begins to build again and you wait for the inevitable outbreak of abuse.
There is a grossly uneven balance of power in your relationship, rather
like a twisted parent/child relationship in which you are a puppet and
he pulls all the strings. Small wonder then, that it is hard to imagine
a world in which he isnt there to govern your behaviour and emotions.
chains banner
<https://avalancheofthesoul.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/chains-banner.jpg>
3. When you /do /leave him, you fall to bits.
Thoughts of him dominate your every waking moment. You struggle to
sleep, and when you do drift off in an exhausted fog, you dream of him.
You ache to go back to him. You know you dare not. You remonstrate with
yourself, believing yourself a pitiful masochist for missing someone who
treats you so abominably (wrongly, by the way: blame and shame belong on
his shoulders, not yours). You shed weight. Despite that cannonball of
clotted dread in your gut, you scour social media for news of him,
hoping hell burst back into your life.

Youre literally craving your next fix. Some describe the trauma bond
as akin to addiction, in which you are emotionally and possibly even
physiologically attached to your abusive partner. The experience of
going cold turkey can therefore be mentally and physically traumatic,
requiring gruelling and dogged effort to get away from him and to stay
away. However hard that trauma bond tugs on you to return, remember this:
Your resolve to live abuse-free could save your life, and it will
in time enable you to be happier, healthier, and safer.
Tweet: Resolve to live free from #DomesticViolence could save your life
and it will in time enable you to be happier, healthier, & safer
http://bit.ly/1JBTKWO <http://ctt.ec/kccRY>
*Learn more about traumatic bonding and how to overcome it in What
abusers hope we never learn about trauma bonding.
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/what-abusers-hope-we-neverlearn-about-trauma-bonding/>*
*/Share your experiences in the COMMENTS. How did you discover you were
in a trauma bond? How did you break free?/
*
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/Related/
4 facts about trauma-bonding in abusive relationships
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2015/01/25/4-facts-about-trauma-bondin
g-in-abusive-relationships/>
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2015/01/25/4-facts-about-traum
a-bonding-in-abusive-relationships/>
Trauma-bonding offers a compelling insight into why people struggle to
escape abusive relationships. Here are four facts about what it is and
why it works - and how to break the destructive bond. 1) Trauma-bonding
is a real thing Emerging research is shedding new light onto
traumatic-bonding, and its role
In "Abusive tactics"
Why we stay: trauma bonding
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2013/10/31/why-we-stay-trauma-bonding/
>
Why we stay: trauma bonding
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2013/10/31/why-we-stay-traumabonding/>
During my abusive relationship, I refused to leave more times than I can
count. When I did leave, I soon returned. The justification that I gave
to myself, and others, for this? Well, I loved him, of course! I really
didn t feel capable of living without him. I was miserable,
In "Getting free"
What abusers hope we never learn about trauma bonding
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/what-abusers-hope-we-neverlearn-about-trauma-bonding/>
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/what-abusers-hope-w
e-never-learn-about-trauma-bonding/>
Do you think you can t leave your abusive partner? Do you feel hopeless
when you return to a relationship filled with pain? Or, do you dwell on
your toxic ex and struggle to stay away? Then you may be caught in a
carefully crafted trauma bond - but you don t
In "Abusive tactics"
Tags: domestic abuse

<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/tag/domestic-abuse/>, Domestic
violence
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/tag/domestic-violence/>,
escaping <https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/tag/escaping/>,
leaving <https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/tag/leaving/>, trauma
bond <https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/tag/trauma-bond/>, trauma
bonding <https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/tag/trauma-bonding/>,
traumatic bond
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/tag/traumatic-bond/>
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22 responses to 3 major signs youre in a trauma bond
1.
katiebelle.d <http://madwhitewomanblog.wordpress.com/>
August 28,
2015 at 4:39 pm
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/3-major-signs-youre-ina-trauma-bond/#comment-3266>
Reply
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/3-major-signs-youre-ina-trauma-bond/?replytocom=3266#respond>
yes yes yes yes yes

Like
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2.
Nur Aisyah Narshia
<https://www.facebook.com/app_scoped_user_id/10154665526069572/>
October 25, 2015 at 8:20 pm
Reply
I wish I could get out of my marriage..

I was only punched one til I bled on my face and was told that I
deserve the punch..
And since then, it has always been up and down and my happiness
lasts for awhile til suddenly when I ask him questions nicely, he
will just blow up.
I really dont know what to do..
Til now, everything is my fault.
According to him.
Help me.
Like
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*
AvalancheOfTheSoul <https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/>
October 25, 2015 at 10:13 pm
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/3-major-signs-youre
-in-a-trauma-bond/#comment-3368>
Reply
-in-a-trauma-bond/?replytocom=3368#respond>
Nur, you dont deserve to be badly treated by your husband. It

is not your fault. My heart is breaking for you. Please check my
Lets Talk page for my contact details. If you email me, Ill
help you however I can.
Like
-in-a-trauma-bond/?like_comment=3368&_wpnonce=158a26193f>Liked
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*
Taylor October 28, 2015 at 6:09 pm
Reply
I can say w/o reservation I know how you are feeling. Its a
vicious cycle.
It creates self doubt & self loathing. These only assist in
keeping you in the relationship and give him additional control.
In reality its not youand he will NOT change no matter how
many promises.
You are worthy! You are amazing just the way you are!
I have and am currently going though the same cycle. Struggling
to stay strong and eradicate him from my life!
Im here if you need to talk.

Like
-in-a-trauma-bond/?like_comment=3377&_wpnonce=f1bb5913b2>Liked
by 1 person <#>
3.
Taylor
Reply
Close to 20 years in an abusive marriage. Left numerous times

throughout those years but would always fall for his facade of
sencerity.
Reading about a trauma bond makes sense. I feel/felt all of those
things.
The last separation I filed for divorce, he moved in w/ his
relatives in another state but continues to court me w/ kindness &
dreams of a love filled future. I folded and actually paid to fly
him back! (Yes I did!)
Now close to 2 months later he is in jail and I have a protective order.
The positive is I did not stop the divorce proceedings and in
previous court hearings I was given full custody of our 4 kids.
Honestly I find my mind drifting to him.
Is he ok, out of jail, eating. Then I will hate myself for even
caring and think what the heck is wrong w/ me?
It is a cycle Ive been in for 20 yrs.
Whats worse is family & friends who as living as they try to be can
not understand the effects or the cycle. Just get out, why would
you stay?
While said w/ truly good intentions, these words only sting and
reinforce negative thoughts I already maintain about my inability to
rid my life of him.
The trauma bond is strong. It overrules knowledge & common since.
Im hopeful the knowledge of this will help me stay strong. My
children & I am are so much happier w/o this relationship.
Like
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by 1 person <#>
*
Reply
What you wrote resonates strongly with me. When we are
conditioned so much to consider an abusive partners needs and

welfare above our own, its not something we can switch off. Im
not sure I can, even years since getting free but Im firm on
one thing: Id never ever take him back, and I know leaving was
the best thing I could have done for my child and I. If I can do
it, so can you. I think youre underestimating your own
strength, youve come so far and the doubts you feel about your
ability to keep him out of your life are normal and
understandable, so dont ever imagine you are weak because
youre absolutely not!
Like
-in-a-trauma-bond/?like_comment=3378&_wpnonce=1cad36ef4d>Like
4.
Alohamora November 5, 2015 at 7:38 am
Reply
Thanks for the article although im not sure if my scenario applies,

thoughts?:
Only 6 month relationship but hiiiighly romantic, but if I ever got
upset with something hed get upset at me for being upset oh so only
youre allowed to be upset?
Whenever wed argue and id ask for space, hed freak out and say I
do anything lets work on it so when id call to make up and explain
why I was hurt hed lash out at ME for the exact reason.
He has issues, I have issues but ..I just feel im going insane am I
demonising him or somethings not right? I fought for him, he said he
fought for his exes but havent heard a single peep since we broke it
off. ..connnfuuused if this is trauma bonding that I still think of him?
Thanks for your time :)
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*
November 5, 2015 at 8:21 pm
Reply
Its sounds like you may have some unresolved issues with your
last relationship. A qualified therapist would be best placed to
help you. Trauma bonding arises from physical / emotional
violence (was your ex abusive?), power imbalance (did your ex
exert any control over you?) and a pattern of rewards and
punishment (did you feel your ex used this?). Trauma bonding or
not, Id urge you to seek professional help.

Like
-in-a-trauma-bond/?like_comment=3397&_wpnonce=c6539dcf96>Like
o
Alohamora November 6, 2015 at 12:22 am
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2015/08/27/3-major-signs-y
oure-in-a-trauma-bond/#comment-3398>

Hi Avalanche,
thanks for your reply,
I believe in my heart its not right to be blamed for
everything. especially as mentioned that if hed do
something bad,and id be upset, hed then be upset that i was
upset. isnt this gas-lighting? (making you doubt your own
judgement)
Like
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o
AvalancheOfTheSoul
<https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/> November 6, 2015
at 9:58 pm

Hi again. What you describe does sound manipulative a way
that of not allowing you to have feelings about his
behaviour by turning things around like hes the victim. The
fact that youre researching domestic abuse, trauma bonding
and gaslighting sets off alarm bells for me. Youve clearly
suffered as a result of your relationship if youre
considering whether these things happened to you. Feel free
to share more and Ill try to give my opinion in the hope of
helping you. Youre not alone.
Like
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by 1 person <#>
5.
Gemma
November 5, 2015 at 2:59 pm
Reply
I am 23 and have 3 kids I was with 2 abusive partner one I left

recently a out 6. The maths but cant stop going bk to other hes 35
and been with him on and of since 17 hes so nasty hes done
terrible things to me in front of our kids he drink all time but
other times hes so loving so nice then sudden changes we dnt live
together a was in womens aid and now have my own place but I
constantly call the n go see him cant understand why or how to get
out of it I am on antie depression tabs see concealer nothing works
Like
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6.
Sara
November 27, 2015 at 7:18 am
Reply
Heartbreaking after reading the comments , i got away i kicked and

screamed to do it , dont answer any calls from unknown nums unknown
numbers ring out every few weeks usually when im feeling fearfull i
block them , it weirdly drove past me today in a back street(
couldnt believe it )? as i was out on a walk it waved, I just put
my head down I didnt need it I wish rather pray it will move
away from my area but why would he ?!
Like
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by 1 person <#>
7.
Ashlynn
December 1, 2015 at 3:04 pm
Reply
My marriage is slowing destroying me and yet I cant leave. The

thought of leaving him scares me because I know the great deal of
emotional burden I would bring into my life. It would be like
feeling the way I do on the days his abusive as its peak everyday
even without being submerged in this presence. I would miss him and
my life would probably revolve around obsessing over his every life
move. I would not be able to stand seeing my husband with anyone
else because I know when he isnt being abusive he is the man I fell
in love withat least somewhat. As much as I want our marriage I
also wanna move forward and better my life. I am on the verge of
losing my job because I keep finding myself in low spells that keep
me in bed instead to of motivating me to get up and do what I have
to do. Im currently in bed missing a day of work because I am so
weighed down by hurt and emotional burden and not to mention
physical pain. I took several blows to spine yesterday because I mad

my husband mad. I should not have started crying by its hard not to
when the emotional abuse is the pre factor before any physical
abuse. My husband always gets angry whenever my my mood swings from
high to low. But would does he expect? I see a therapist twice a
month and am struggling with depression and Im almost pretty
positive the abuse is what has my marbles all out of whack. I want
so badly to have my independence back and my happiness. I want my
husband to love me and treat the right way but I know that would
only mean beating the odds. How can I be so aware of the type of
situation Im in and still not want to make the necessary efforts to
leave? Why do I still try knowing its a viscous never ending cycle
that will only continue unless I leave? I swear before we married he
seemed perfect and almost made up for the horrible failed
relationships of the past.but all that changedIts almost like he
help built me back up and now he wants to destroy methats if he
hasnt already.
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December 1, 2015 at 6:04 pm
Reply
Hi Ashlynn. I totally get you. I felt that way too. Deciding to

leave was the hardest decision, and it hurt a great deal. But
two years later, Im very glad I did because my life is now back
on track, Im healing, and I am hugely happier without him in my
life. You can check out how it was for me in my post,
https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2015/11/29/how-life-feels-after
-domestic-violence/
I think you are stronger than you imagine, so please dont fall
into the trap of blaming yourself for the abuse, as you seem to
be doing. Its not your fault, its your husbands fault because
he chooses to abuse. It is never too late for you to use the
deep power that you have to secure a safe and healthy life for
yourself, and you dont have to do it alone. Please reach out
for help. This can get better.
Like
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8.
hipmommyof4 <http://hipmommyof4dotcom.wordpress.com/>
December 24,
2015 at 5:43 pm
Reply
I posted back at the end of October! Wow its been over 2 months and
I have stuck to no contact w/ my now Ex-H.
Avalanche of the soul is the perfect discription of your soul
while in an abusive relationship as well as the process of leaving
and figuring out who you are and who you want to be.
Your words and the posts of others who have experienced a similar
journey have been so helpful. It is NOT easy but so worth it. Life
is getting better. My 4 kids and I are no longer living in fear of
explosions. We are no longer begging for attention from a narcissist.
I thank God everyday that I have not folded and allowed him back!
The restraining order for myself and kids has been a blessing.
Everyday I remind myself how worthy, strong and resilient I am. Its
hard to not beat myself up for not leaving sooner but I recognize
the cycle now and the patterns of the abuser. Its tough to break
the conditioning the takes place in 20 years of manipulation,
mental, emotional and physical abuse but it IS possible!
I am proof of that! -God BlessLike
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*
hipmommyof4 <http://hipmommyof4dotcom.wordpress.com/> December
28, 2015 at 3:24 am
Reply
I posted back at the end of October! Posted under Taylor

Wow its been over 2 months and I have stuck to no contact w/ my
now Ex-H.
Avalanche of the soul is the perfect discription of your soul
while in an abusive relationship as well as the process of
leaving and figuring out who you are and who you want to be.
Your words and the posts of others who have experienced a
similar journey have been so helpful. It is NOT easy but so
worth it. Life is getting better. My 4 kids and I are no longer
living in fear of explosions. We are no longer begging for
attention from a narcissist.
I thank God everyday that I have not folded and allowed him
back! The restraining order for myself and kids has been a
blessing. Everyday I remind myself how worthy, strong and
resilient I am. Its hard to not beat myself up for not leaving
sooner but I recognize the cycle now and the patterns of the
abuser. Its tough to break the conditioning the takes place in
20 years of manipulation, mental, emotional and physical abuse
but it IS possible!
I am proof of that! -God BlessLike
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9.
Whitelightninja <http://whitelightninja.wordpress.com/>
January 6,
2016 at 3:46 pm
Reply
It took two years to leave and u was only with him for a year and a
half he put me through hell! I met him shortly after separating from
my husband. The extreme intense deal he did to me was so bizarre!
Full on psychopath and it was like hell getting away. I moved out a
year ago permanently but I do still think of him. Every three months
he will find a way to contact me and every time is even more
emotionally desperate than the last time. I love you your my twin
flame I went to a psychic she says we are meant to be I want kids
with you, Ive found God, I am a changed person . Let me send you
$1500 , lets be friends, I want to marry you. There is no limit he
is so goddam creepy and such a mind f$&!
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*
January 6, 2016 at 6:53 pm
Reply
So sorry you went through all that, and still going through his
hoovering attempts.
I wasnt with him for a year and a half. That length of time is
how long it took me to leave him finally after many attempts
to do so.
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by 1 person <#>
o
Whitelightninja <http://whitelightninja.wordpress.com/>
January 6, 2016 at 7:20 pm

OMG I know it does take many attempts he cant act like

everything I ever wantedIt actually helped me in some other
soulful ways it forced me to really make some big life
changes I had been to afraid to make. Im sure mine will
come back when Im doing really well Im sure it will be
some big huge thing. He stalks me online and tries to piss
me off and intimidate me
Like
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10.
Anonymous January 23, 2016 at 5:49 am
Reply
Why is it always he when talking about that type? There is way

more men being victims than women in those relationships. it
should be he/she .
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January 23, 2016 at 11:43 pm
Reply
Oh dear. http://wp.me/p43Al6-v5
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11.
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3 Major Signs You'Re in A Trauma Bond - Avalanche of The Soul

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hoping hell burst back into your life.

Tags: domestic abuse

yes yes yes yes yes

I wish I could get out of my marriage..

Nur, you dont deserve to be badly treated by your husband. It

Im here if you need to talk.

Close to 20 years in an abusive marriage. Left numerous times

What you wrote resonates strongly with me. When we are

conditioned so much to consider an abusive partners needs and

Thanks for the article although im not sure if my scenario applies,

not, Id urge you to seek professional help.

I am 23 and have 3 kids I was with 2 abusive partner one I left

Heartbreaking after reading the comments , i got away i kicked and

My marriage is slowing destroying me and yet I cant leave. The

physical pain. I took several blows to spine yesterday because I mad

Hi Ashlynn. I totally get you. I felt that way too. Deciding to

I posted back at the end of October! Posted under Taylor

OMG I know it does take many attempts he cant act like

Why is it always he when talking about that type? There is way

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