ersinceIwasachild,Ihavebeenacutelysensitivetotheideain

thewaythatotherpeopleseemtofeelonlyafterbereavementorsome
shockingunexpectedeventthatthehumanintellectisunable,
finally,tomakesenseoftheworld:everythingiscontradictionand
paradox,andnoonereallyknowsmuchforsure,howeverloudlythey
professtothecontrary.
Itisanuncomfortablemindset,andasaresultIhavealwaysfeltthe
needtobuildaconceptualboxinmymindbigenoughtofittheworld
into.Mostpeopleseemtohaveatalentfordenyingorignoringlifes
contradictions,asthedemandsofworkandlifetakethemover.Or
theyfallforanideology,perhapsreligiousorpolitical,thatappearsto
rendertheworldacomprehensibleplace.
Ihaveneverbeenabletosupporteitherstrategy.Asenseof
encroachingmentalchaoswasalwaysskulkingattheedgesofmylife.
WhichisperhapswhyIfellintoanacutedepressionattheageof27,
anddidntrecoverforseveralyears.
Theconsequenceofthiswasmyfirstbook,amemoircalledTheScent
ofDriedRoses(1996).WhileIwasresearchingit,Ireadtheworkof
thepsychologistDorothyRowe,aquiet,almostsecret,followerof
Buddhistphilosophy.Secret,becauseRoweknewwhattheterm
Buddhistimpliedtothepopularimagination(asitdidtome)
magicalthinking,Tibetanbellringing,andstickinggoldflakeson
statuesoftheBuddha.
Truthisnottobefoundbypickingeverythingtopieceslikeaspoilt
child

ItwasthroughRoweswritingthatIfirstcameacrossAlanWatts,and
hesoundedlikeanunlikelyphilosopher.Hisnameevokedtheimage
ofapapergoodssalesreponasmallregionalindustrialestate.But
throughWattsandhiswriting,Iwasexposeddirectlytotheideasof
ZenBuddhism.Iwassuspiciousatfirst,perceivingZenBuddhismto
beareligionratherthanaphilosophy.IwasntinterestedintheFour
NobleTruths,ortheEightfoldPath,andIcertainlydidntbelievein
karmaorreincarnation.
Allthesame,IreadacoupleofWattssbooks.Theymadea
significantimpactonme.TheMeaningofHappiness(1940)andThe
WisdomofInsecurity(1951)arestrikingprimerstohiswork,andthey
underlinedwhatRowewasalreadyteachingme:thatlifehadno
intrinsicmeaning,anymorethanapieceofmusichadanintrinsic
point.Lifewas,inZenparlance,yugenakindofelevated
purposelessness.
Watts,likeRowe,showedmehowweconstructourownmeanings
aboutlife.Thatnothingisagivenand,sinceeverythingisuncertain,
wemustputtogetheraworldviewthatmightfitroughlywiththe
facts,butisneveranythingotherthanaguessaworkingfiction.
This,too,isatypicalZenunderstandingthatlifecannotbe
described,onlyexperienced.Tryingtoseealloflifeisliketryingto
exploreavastcavewithaboxofmatches.
ImpressedthoughIwas,ImoreorlessforgotaboutWattsafterI
finishedhisbooks,andpursuedmycareerasafictionwriter.Iwas
wearyofintrospection.Then,yearslater,abadspellinmylife
propelledmebackintoachasm.In2004,threeclosefriendsdiedin

suddensuccession.Onediedinfrontofmyeyes.Anotherwas
murdered.Athirdsuccumbedtocancer.Mydepressionandthat
originalsenseofmeaninglessnessresurfaced.IturnedtoWatts
again.Thistime,itwasasifIwasreadingfordearlife.

No time for received wisdom: a young Alan Watts (L) and friends
reading haiku poems written for a contest. Photo by Nat
Farbman/Time Life Pictures/Getty

lanWattshadbeenprolificinhis58years.Hediedin1973,

afterproducingnotonly27booksbutalsoscoresoflectures,allof
whichwereavailableonline.TheyhadintriguingtitlessuchasOn
BeingVague,Death,NothingnessandOmnipotence.Istopped
writingnovelsandworkedmywaythrougheveryoneoftheminstead.
IfoundaDVDofananimationofWattsbyTreyParkerandMatt
Stone(ofSouthParkfame).IdiscoveredthatVanMorrisonhad
writtenasongabouthim,andthatJohnnyDeppwasafollower.But
heremainedlargelyunknowninBritain,eventhoughhewasEnglish,
albeitanexpatriate.
Wattswasbornin1915inChislehurst,Kent.Hisfatherhadbeena
salesrepfortheMichelintyrecompanyandhismotherwasa
housewifewhosefatherhadbeenamissionary.Inlaterlife,Watts
wroteofmysticalvisionshedhadaftersufferingfeverasachild.
DuringschoolholidayswhilehewasascholaratKingsSchoolin
CambridgehewentontripswiththeBuddhismenthusiastFrancis
Croshaw,whofirstdevelopedhisinterestinEasternreligion.
WithpenetratingeyeslikeAleisterCrowleys,hedescribedhimselfas
aspiritualentertainer
Bytheageof16,WattswasthesecretaryoftheLondonBuddhist
Lodge,whichwasrunbythebarristerChristmasHumphreys.But
WattsspoiledhischancesofascholarshiptoOxfordbecauseone
examinationessaywasjudgedpresumptuousandcapricious.And,
despitehisobviouslybrilliantmind,WattsneverachievedaBritish

universitydegree.This,perhaps,isanotherofhisqualitiesthatchimes
withmyownspiritItooleftschoolwithonlytwoAlevels,and
am,likeWatts,anautodidact.
Asayoungman,Wattsworkedinaprintinghouseandthenabank.
Duringthistime,hehookedupwiththeSerbianrascalguru
DimitrijeMitrinoviafolloweroftheArmenianspiritualteacher
GIGurdjieffandtheRussianesotericistPDOuspenskywho
becameamajorinfluenceonhisthinking.
Attheageof21,in1936,heattendedtheWorldCongressofFaithsat
theUniversityofLondon.There,heheardtherenownedZenscholar
DTSuzukispeak,andwasintroducedtohim.Laterthatyear,Watts
publishedhisfirstbookTheSpiritofZen.
Thatsameyear,hemettheAmericanheiressEleanorEverett,whose
motherwasinvolvedwithatraditionalZenBuddhistcircleinNew
York.HemarriedEleanorin1938andtheymovedtoAmerica,where
hetrainedasanEpiscopalpriest,beforeleavingtheministryin1950,
thusseparatingonceandforallfromhisChristianroots.Fromthenon
heconcentratedonthestudyandcommunicationofEastern
philosophicalideastoWesternaudiences.

feltpowerfullyattractedtoAlanWatts.Notonlytohisideas,butto

him,personally.Wattswasnodry,academicphilosopher.Witheyes
hoodedandpenetratinglikeAleisterCrowleys,hewasajesteras
wellasathinker,describinghimselfasaspiritualentertainer.
AldousHuxleydescribedhimasacuriousman.Halfmonkandhalf

racecourseoperator.WattswholeheartedlyagreedwithHuxleys
characterisation.Hecarriedasilvercaneforpureswank,hehung
outwithKenKeseyandJackKerouac(heisevenparodiedinOnthe
RoadasArthurWhale).HisEnglishpublicschooleducatedvoicewas
richanddeep,likeaprophets,andhislaughjuicyandcontagious.
Butitwashisthinkingthatmostexcitedme.Hewas,ifnotthe
earliest,thencertainlytheforemosttranslatorofEasternphilosophical
ideastotheWest.Insomeways,hisinterpretationswereradical
forinstance,hedismissedthecoreZenideaofzazen(whichmeant
spendinghoursseatedincontemplativemeditation)asunnecessary.
Acatsitsuntilitistiredofsitting,thengetsup,stretches,andwalks
away,washisforgivinginterpretationofzazen.Slightlyless
forgivingwashiscommentonWesternZenenthusiasts,whomhe
mockedasTheuptightschoolwhoseemtobelievethatZenis
essentiallysittingonyourassforinterminablehours.Itwasagreat
relieftoreadthisforsomeonelikeme,whofoundtheideaof
excessivemeditationasunhealthyastheideaofexcessive
masturbation.
Wattsalsorejectedtheconventionalideasofreincarnationandthe
popularunderstandingofkarmaasasystemofrewardsand
punishmentscarriedout,lifetimeafterlifetime.Itwasthisradical
approachthatmadehisideassofreshhehadnotimeforreceived
wisdom,evenfromthosewhoclaimedtoknowZeninsideout.
Theideaofwalkingaroundwithametaphoricalsticktowhack
yourselfwithisforeigntoaZenmaster

ManyZenideashavebecomedebasedintonewagephilosophy,
baselytransmutedintowishfulthinking,quasireligiousmumbo
jumboandthenarcissisticfantasiesofthemegeneration.Butbefore
thebeatniksandthehippiesgotholdofit,Zenphilosophy,as
describedbyWatts,washardedged,practical,logicaland,insome
ways,oddlyEnglishintone,asithaddeepstrandsofscepticismand
humour.(YoullneverseeChristiansaintslaughing.Butmostofthe
greatsagesofZenhavesmilesontheirfaces,asdoesBuddha.)
ZenandTaoismaremoreakintopsychotherapythantoreligion,as
WattsexplainedinhisbookPsychotherapyEastandWest(1961).
Theyareaboutfindingawaytomaintainahealthypersonalityina
culturethattendstotangleyouupinalotofunconsciouslogical
binds.Ontheonehand,youaretoldtobefreeand,ontheother,that
youshouldfollowthedemandsofthecommunity.Anotherexampleis
theinstructionthatyoumustbespontaneous.
Thesekindsofsnags,ordoublebinds,accordingtoZenwritings,
produceinnertension,frustration,andneurosiswhatBuddhism
callsdukkha.Wattssawhisjob,viaZenphilosophy,toteachyouto
thinkclearly,sothatyoucouldseethroughconventionalthinkingtoa
placewhereyourmindcouldbeatpeaceinsideaculturethatcould
havebeendesignedtogenerateanxiety.
But,althoughhewasanentertainingwriterwhopresentedhisideas
withabrilliantclarity,Wattshadadifficultjobonhishands
mainlybecauseZenandTaoismaresofundamentallycounter
intuitivetotheWesternmind.Westernphilosophersandlaymenfind
EasternthinkersfrustratingbecauseBuddhistsagesdonthavethe

sameemphasisonthepoweroflanguage,reasonandlogicto
transformtheselfortoknow,inthewayWesternersthinkofthe
word.
Theriddles,orkoans,thatZenthinkersspeakinareintendedtotrip
youupandmakeyourealisehowinadequatewordseitherspoken
orinnerdialogueareinmakingsense.Zenemphasisesintuition
andmushin,thatis,anemptymind,overplanningandthought.The
idealisthatyourmindcanbeunblockedfrommaya(whichmeans
bothillusionandplay)andthusacquireakindofresonanceorinstant
reflection,ormunen,whichtranslatesawkwardlyasnow/mind/heart.
ThismakesitalientoWesternphilosophicaltraditions,whichtendto
distrustspontaneity,sinceitsupposedlyclearsthewayforthe
dominanceofbruteanimalinstinctsanddangerouspassions.Butthe
ideaofwalkingaroundwithametaphoricalbigstickwithwhichto
whackyourselfifyoumakeamistake,orgetcarriedawaybyyour
emotions,isforeigntoaZenmaster.
Zen,afterall,wasusedbytheSamuraiwarriors,whohadtostrike
immediatelywithoutreflectionordie.Intuition,inahealthysoul,is
moreimportantthanconsciousreflection.Millionsofyearsof
evolutionhavemadethehumanunconsciouswise,notreckless.You
canfindsimilarideasinmodernbookssuchasBlinkbyMalcolm
Gladwell,whichemphasisesthevalueofgutreactions.

enstartedasareactionagainstthehighlyconventionalisedand

ritualisedJapanesesocietyfromwhichitemerged.Thismusthave

struckachordwithWatts,whogrewupatatimewhenBritishsociety
hidebound,introvertedandconventionalwasnotsodifferent
fromtheselfcontrolled,uptightworldoftheJapanese.Insucha
society,spontaneousbehaviourbecomesimpossible.
ThewordZenisaJapanesewayofpronouncingchan,whichisthe
ChinesewayofpronouncingtheIndianSanskritdhyanaorsunya,
meaningemptinessorvoid.ThisisthebasisofZenitselfthatall
lifeandexistenceisbasedonakindofdynamicemptiness(aview
nowsupportedbymodernscience,whichseesphenomenaata
subatomiclevelpoppinginandoutofexistenceinaquantumfroth).
Inthisview,thereisnostuff,nodifferencebetweenmatterand
energy.Lookatanythingcloselyenoughevenarockoratable
andyouwillseethatitisanevent,notathing.Everythingis,in
truth,happening.Thistoo,accordswithmodernscientificknowledge.
Furthermore,thereisnotamultiplicityofevents.Thereisjustone
event,withmultipleaspects,unfolding.Wearenotjustseparateegos
lockedinbagsofskin.Wecomeoutoftheworld,notintoit.Weare
eachexpressionsoftheworld,notstrangersinastrangeland,flukes
ofconsciousnessinablind,stupiduniverse,asevolutionaryscience
teachesus.
TheemphasisonthepresentmomentisperhapsZensmostdistinctive
characteristic.InourWesternrelationshipwithtime,inwhichwe
compulsivelypickoverthepastinordertolearnlessonsfromitand
thenprojectintoahypotheticalfutureinwhichthoselessonscanbe
applied,thepresentmomenthasbeencompressedtoatinysliveron
theclockfacebetweenavastpastandaninfinitefuture.Zen,more

thananythingelse,isaboutreclaimingandexpandingthepresent
moment.
Ittriestohaveyouunderstand,withoutarguingthepoint,thatthereis
nopurposeingettinganywhereif,whenyougetthere,allyoudois
thinkaboutgettingtosomeotherfuturemoment.Lifeexistsinthe
presentornowhereatall,andifyoucannotgraspthat,youaresimply
livingafantasy.
ForallZenwriterslifeis,asitwasforShakespeare,akintoadream
transitoryandinsubstantial.Thereisnorockofagescleftfor
thee.Thereisnosecurity.Lookingforsecurity,Wattssaid,islike
jumpingoffacliffwhileholdingontoarockforsafetyanabsurd
illusion.Everythingpassesandyoumustdie.Dontwasteyourtime
thinkingotherwise.NeitherBuddhanorhisZenfollowershadtimefor
anynotionofanafterlife.Thedoctrineofreincarnationcanbemore
accuratelythoughtaboutasaconstantrebirth,ofdeaththroughout
life,andthecontinualcomingandgoingofuniversalenergy,ofwhich
weareallpart,beforeandafterdeath.

notherchallengeforWesternthinkerswhenstrugglingwithZen

isthat,unlikeWesternreligionandphilosophy,ithasnoparticular
moralcode.TheNobleTruthsarenotmoralteachings.Zen(unlike
MahayanaBuddhismwithitsEightfoldPath)makesnojudgment
aboutgoodorbad,excepttosaythattheyarebothnecessarytomake
theuniversedynamic.

LiketheGreekphilosopherHeraclitussaid,thereisnoideaofgood
outtodestroyevil,orviceversa.Evilcannotbedestroyed,anymore
thangoodcan,becausetheyarepolaroppositesofthesamething,like
polesofamagnet.Destructionisasnecessaryascreation.Chaosmust
existifwearetoknowwhatorderis.Bothaspectsofreality,in
tensionwithoneanother,arenecessarytokeepthewholegamegoing:
theunityofopposites.
Thiscanleadtosomefairlyshockingmoralreasoning.Whenthe
AmericancomposerandZenfollowerJohnCagewasasked,Dont
youthinktherestoomuchsufferingintheworld?,heanswered,I
thinktheresjusttherightamount.Thisencapsulates,andyet
somewhatsatirisestheZenworldviewthatthedarkandthelight,
thenegativeandthepositive,theyinandtheyang,areallnecessary
partsoftheoverallwhole.
Behindthisthinkingistheideathat,fortheaccomplishedfollowerof
Zen,moralistsaredangerousbecausetheywilldestroyeverythingin
pursuitoftheirvisionofthegood.Straightforwardgreedmight
resultinthedestructionofthelocalvillagetogettheirwealthand
theirwomenbutthatwontbetoobadbecauseitwillpreservethe
wealthandthewomen.
Acuttingupattitudetolifegivesusdeadknowledge,notlive
knowledge
However,ifyouareonamoralcrusade,youwilldestroyeverything
inyourwake.Andwhocandenythatthehistoryofthe20thcentury
bearsoutthisview,withNaziandCommunistideologiescausingsuch

havoc?Afterall,Hitlerwasanidealist,too.SoConfuciuswhowas
not,admittedly,partoftheZentradition,thoughheinfluencedit
putsthegreatestvaluenotonabsolutegood,butonhuman
heartedness,orjen.Ifyouarehumanhearted,youareunlikelyto
wanttodoanygreatill,evenwithoutagreatmoralvisiontoguide
you.And,evenifyoudo,thedamageyoucausewillbelimitedby
yourownselfinterest.
ThislackofaclearmoralcodeisperhapswhyZenisnotaphilosophy
whollyappropriatefortheyoungorimmaturemind.Inthe1950s,
WattscritiquedtheBeatnikappropriationofZeninhisbookBeat
Zen,SquareZenandZen(1959).TheapparentfatalismofZenseemed
toopenthedoorforanindividualtodowhatevertheylike.Watts
thoughttheBeatswerechildish,althoughhedidsuggestthattheir
behaviouralsorevealedacleverparadox:thatabsolutefatalism
impliesabsolutefreedom.Again,youcanlookatitbothways.
Infact,Zenisntfatalistic.Rather,itacceptssomethingthatWestern
philosophyfindshardtograspthattwocontradictorytruthsare
possibleatthesametime.Itjustdependsonwhichwayyoulookatit.
Theworldisnotalogicallyconsistentone,butaprofoundly
paradoxicalone.Again,thisisillustratedinscience,whichshowsthat
twothingscanbeoneatthesametimelight,forinstance,actsas
bothaparticleandawave.TheZenmasterssaythesamethingabout
humanlife.Perhapsyouaredoingit.Perhapsitisdoingyou.There
isnowayofknowingwhichiswhich.Itislikeaformaldancesodeft
thatyoucannottellwhoisleading,andwhoisfollowing.

WhileitisrefreshingthatZenphilosophyissupportedinmanyways
bypresentscientificknowledge,itisalsoacritiqueofscientific
thought.Thescientifictraditionrequiresthingsuptobecutupboth
mentallyandphysicallyintosmallerandsmallpiecestoinvestigate
them.Itsuggeststhattheonlykindofknowledgeisempiricalandthat
therigidlawsofscientificmethodaretheonlykindthatarevalid.
Zenimpliesthatthisislikethrowingthebabyoutwiththebathwater
scientificthinkingmightbeimmenselyuseful,butitalsodoes
violencetoameaningfulconceptionoflife.Ittendstoscreenoutthe
essentialconnectednessofthings.Weliveinanimpreciseworld.
Natureisextraordinarilyvague.Sciencepromotestheideaofhard,
clearbrutefactsbutsomefactsaresoft.Acuttingupattitudeto
lifegivesusdeadknowledge,notliveknowledge.
Thefundamentalnatureoftheworldisnotsomethingyoucangettoo
preciseabout.Thebasisofoneslifeandthoughtmustalwaysremain
undefined.SomeideassuchastheTao,thewayofthings
cometous,wecantjustgooutandgetthem.Theyaremysterious
andunknown.
Thiskindofthinkingisanathematothemodernscientistwhothinks
thateverythingcanbeknownandfinallywillbeknown.But,Watts
argued,itisimpossibletoappreciatetheuniverseunlessyouknow
whentostopinvestigating.Truthisnottobefoundbypicking
everythingtopieceslikeaspoiltchild.

tisimpossible,ofcourse,tosummariseZeninafewthousand

words.Infactitdoesntasktobesummarised.Thefirstprincipleof
Zen,voicedbythephilosopherLaoTzu,isThosewhoknowdont
say,andthosewhosaydontknow.Zenisnotproselytising,quitethe
reverse.Itasksyoutocometoit,insupplication,andtoteaseitout.
AnotherZensayingis,Hewhoseekstopersuadedoesnotconvince.
Butitconvincedme.AfterspendingnearlytwoyearsstudyingZen,
TaoismandtheworksofAlanWatts,IthinkIgenuinelyachieveda
sortofsatoriafreedomfromtheinnerweightsandcontradictions
ofordinarylife.WhenastudentaskedWattswhatenlightenmentfelt
like,hesaidiffeltveryordinarybutlikewalkingslightlyintheair,
aninchabovetheground.AndthatisexactlyhowIfelteveryday.
Idontknowhowlongtheexperiencelasted.Perhapsaslongasa
year,perhapsevenlonger.Allthattime,WattsandtheZenideawere
thereinmyhead,informingmythoughtsandactions.Thebackground
noise,thestaticofworryandgabblethatinformedmyoldlifehad
disappeared.Myheadwasclear.Thephilosophyentirelypermeated
me.Mylifewastrulymorejoyfulthanithadeverbeen.Nothing
botheredme.Ifeltfullofenergyandoptimism.
Thenoneday,Ilostthevision.Idontknowhowithappened.A
periodofstressandclinicaldepressiontookmeunderand,whenI
surfacedagain,WattsandtheTaohadleftmythoughts.Iwasalone
again,puzzledandconflicted.Iknewthewords,butIcouldnthear
themusicanymore.TheoldthoughtsandhabitsIhadbeen
conditionedintosincebirthreassertedthemselves.Oncemore,I

worriedaboutthingspointlessly,andgotlostinthepastandthefuture
insteadofexistinginthedynamicpresent.
Butthen,Ishouldnthavebeensurprised.WhatAlanWattstaught,
aboveallelse,isthateverythingistransitory.Everythingcomesand
goes.Wattshimselfdidnotexistinaperpetualstateofspiritualbliss.
Hediedanalcoholic.Hehadbeenalifelongheavydrinker.Hislater
lifewasnoteasyinthelastyears,hecutaDickensianfigure,
workingdesperatelytosupporthissevenchildrenand,presumably,
histwoexwives(bythetimehediedhewasonathird).Buthewas
bynoaccountsanunhappydrunk.Heneverexpressedguiltorregret
abouthisdrinkingandsmoking,andnevermissedalectureora
writingdeadline.
IfWattssownexampleistobetakenintoaccount,being
enlighteneddoesntalwaysmakeyouhappy.Yetitisstillsomething
worthattaining.Itbringsclarityandpeace,evenifitdoesntprotect
youfromalloflifesvicissitudes.
MypersonalenlightenmentcameandwentbutIhopeitmight
return.Perhapsthisarticlewillbethefirststepinthatdirection.It
feelslikeitis.Itmightbeinmyhandsoritmightnot.ButifIcanfind
thepathagain,thenIwillstayonituntilIloseit.And,astheZen
sayinginstructs,ifIseetheBuddha,Iwillkillhim.Becausethe
momentyoustartthinkingofyourselfasenlightened,youarenot.