HERO and BEATRICE onstage. Messenger enters, hands cellphone to HERO.

HERO
(holding a letter) According to this letter,
Don Pedro of Aragon is coming to Messina tonight.
A victory in battle is twice as victorious when all
the soldiers return home safely. This letter also
says that Don Pedro gives his praise to a young
man from Florence called Claudio.
(Starts to cry from happiness)
Im so happy, Im crying! Theres no face more
sincere than one washed with tears. Its much
better to cry from happiness than laugh when
youre sad!
BEATRICE
Please tell me, has Signor Hot-head returned from battle?
Messenger
I dont know anyone with that name, maam. There was
no Signor Hot-Head in our army. Who are you talking about?
HERO
My cousin means Signor Benedick of Padua.
Messenger
Oh, hes returned and is his usual cheerful self.
BEATRICE
How many men did he kill and eat in this battle?
I promised him I would eat anyone he killed.
HERO
Goodness, Beatrice, you criticize Benedick too much.
But Im sure hell get even with you. He has served
well in this war, and is a good soldier, too, lady.
BEATRICE
Hes a good soldier to a lady? Well then, what good
is he to a lord?

Messenger
Hes a lord to a lord and a man to a man. He is full of
honorable virtues.
BEATRICE
Absolutelyhes stuffed just like a dummy. As for what
hes stuffed withwell, nobodys perfect.
HERO
Please dont take my cousin the wrong way, sir.
Benedick and Beatrice are always sassy with each other.
Whenever they meet, theres a little battle of wits.
BEATRICE
And I always win. The last time we fought, he was so dazed by the
end that he wasnt any smarter than his horse.
HERO
You really dont like him well at all.
BEATRICE
If he were a book in my study, I would burn the place down.
Benedick is like a sickness that is easily caught but hard to
get rid of. Anyone who catches it goes mad.
HERO
You will never fall for his charm.
BEATRICE
Not until Hell freezes over.
BENEDICK
Look, its my rude lady! Arent you dead yet?
BEATRICE
How could rudeness die when youre here?
When youre around, even a polite lady
becomes rude.
BENEDICK

Then that makes a polite lady a traitor. But all

ladies love me, except for you. Its too bad Im
so hard-hearted, because I dont love anyone.
BEATRICE
Women are lucky then. You would make a nasty
boyfriend. Thankfully, Im just like you. I dont
need romance. I would rather listen to my dog
bark at a crow than hear a man tell me he loves me.
BENEDICK
Well, I hope you keep thinking that way or some
poor man will end up with his face all scratched-up.
BEATRICE
If he has a face like yours, a good scratching couldnt
make his face any worse.
BENEDICK
Youre more annoying than a parrot, trying to tell
me what to do.
BEATRICE
Id rather be an annoying bird than an animal like you.
BENEDICK
I wish my horse moved as fast as your mouth and
was as tireless. Thats it, Im done.
CLAUDIO
Benedick, did you notice Hero?
BENEDICK
I saw her, I guess, but I didnt really notice her.
CLAUDIO
Isnt she sweet?
BENEDICK

Do you want an honest answer, or do you

want me to criticize her as someone who
openly hates women?
CLAUDIO
You think Im kidding. Please tell me seriously.
BENEDICK
Why do you ask, do you want to buy her?
CLAUDIO
Can you even buy something so rare and precious?
BENEDICK
Im still young enough to see without glasses
and I dont see what youre talking about.
If her cousin Beatrice wasnt so nasty,
shed be so much more beautiful that
itd be like comparing May to December. But,
hey, youre not thinking about marrying her,
are you?
DON PEDRO
What secrets between you stopped you
from following me to Leonatos house?
BENEDICK
Youll have to force me to tell you, its that secret.
DON PEDRO
You have to tell me, because Im your superior
and youre loyal to me.
BENEDICK
Look Claudio, I want you to know that I owe him
my loyalty, so I have to tell him. Claudio is in love.
With who? Thats what youre supposed to ask me
next, sir. Look how short the answer is: with Hero,
Leonatos short daughter.
DON PEDRO

Its good that you love her, shes awesome.

CLAUDIO
Youre teasing me, sir.
DON PEDRO
Im telling the truth.
CLAUDIO
I seriously love her.
DON PEDRO
Seriously, I think shes great.
BENEDICK
On the other hand, I dont get why you
should love her or how shes so great.
Even fire cant melt that opinion out of me,
I could burn at the stake and still think that.
CLAUDIO exits.
DON PEDRO
Youre too hot-headed to have any appreciation
for beauty.
BENEDICK
A woman gave birth to me, and I thank her for that.
She also raised me, and I thank her for that too.
But all other women have to forgive me for
not being willing to be made a fool of by being
bossed around by a woman, or force myself to
only have sex with one woman for the rest of my
life. I dont want to insult any particular woman
by mistrusting her, so Ill just hate them all.
And the conclusion of this is that Ill live a
bachelor, and it wont cost me a thing.
DON PEDRO
I swear, before I die Im going to see you sick with love

BENEDICK
With anger, with fever, or with hunger, sure. But not with love.
DON PEDRO
Theres always Beatrice, but Ive heard shes angry with you.
One of my friends said you insulted her.
BENEDICK
Please dont mention her. As long as she lives on earth
our lives are so filled with turmoil that its quieter in hell.
People sin on purpose so that they can get sent there to
get away from her. So chaos, horror, and sorrow follow
her wherever she goes.
DON PEDRO
Look, here she comes.
BENEDICK
Could you please send me to go do a favor for you,
somewhere far away? Ill do any dumb thing you
could think of, anything rather than say three words
to this awful woman. Isnt there anything you want
from me?
DON PEDRO
Nothing but your good company.
BENEDICK exits. BEATRICE enters.
DON PEDRO
Lady, you have lost Signor Benedicks heart.
BEATRICE
Thats true. He gave it to me once,
and I paid him back with interest by
giving him twice the love he gave me.
But he won it all from me in a dishonest
game of dice. So I guess you can say
I truly have lost it.
DON PEDRO

Youre too hard on him, you put him down.

BEATRICE
And I hope that he wont put me down or
Ill give birth to fools. So everyone goes off
into the world except me, who stays in because
Im sunburned. I should sit in that corner and
sing Heigh-ho for a husband!
DON PEDRO
Ill get you a husband.
BEATRICE
Id rather get a husband from your father.
Dont you have any brothers like you?
Your fathers sons would make excellent
husbands, if only a girl could catch one for herself.
DON PEDRO
Would you have me?
BEATRICE
No, my lord, unless I could have another husband
for the work week. Youre too expensive to wear
every day. But, please forgive me your highness.
I was born to speak cleverly, not seriously.
DON PEDRO
Id only be offended if you were silent, because
being lively and cheerful suits you best. Surely,
you were born at a happy time.
BEATRICE
Actually, my lord, my mother cried when she
was giving birth to me. Anyway, I brought
Claudio to you.
DON PEDRO
I swear, she is a charming lady.
CLAUDIO

Theres very little thats gloomy about her.

Shes only sad when she sleepsand not
even then. Hero told me that Beatrice
has often had dreams about being unhappy,
and managed to wake herself from them
by laughing.
DON PEDRO
She cannot endure to hear about getting a husband.
CLAUDIO
No, not at all. She mocks anyone who shows any
interest in her and drives them away.
DON PEDRO
She would make a great wife for Benedick.
CLAUDIO
Oh my god no, if they were married for even
a week they would drive each other crazy.
DON PEDRO
Lets not waste time, Claudio, when we
could be having fun. I will, in the time we
have, take on an impossible task, which will
be to make Signor Benedick and Beatrice fall
in love with each other. Benedick is not the
most hopeless husband Ive ever met.
With your help, we will trick Benedick so that,
despite his quick wit and his queasiness about
marriage, he will fall in love with her. If we can
do this, were stealing Cupids glory. We will
be the supreme gods of love!
All exit. BENEDICK enters.
BENEDICK
Im amazed that a man, after watching romance
turn another man into a fool and laughing at that
man, can, can turn right around and become the
thing he made fun of by falling in love himself.
Thats the kind of man Claudio is. I knew him when

he listened to nothing but military music, but now

hed rather hear girly poetic songs. Will I ever end
up like that? Im not sure, but I dont think so.
A beautiful woman comes along, and I dont care.
A wise woman comes along, and I dont care.
A virtuous woman comes along and I dont care.
I refuse to fall in love until all good qualities are
in one woman. She much be rich, of course,
and smart or Ill have nothing to do with her.
She must be virtuous or Ill never want to
sleep with her. She has to be beautiful or
Ill never want to look at her. She must be wellspoken, an excellent musician, and her hair should
bewell, the color doesnt really matter. Ha!
Look, its Hero and that lovesick Claudio.
Ill hide and eavesdrop on them.
CLAUDIO and HERO enter, BENEDICK hides.
CLAUDIO
If we set this trap up well, hes sure to fall for it.
Come here, Hero. What were you telling
me about earlier, that your cousin Beatrice
was in love with Benedick? I didnt think
she would ever love anyone.
HERO
I didnt think she ever would either, but its
wonderful that she loves Benedick, who
she always seemed to hate.
BENEDICK
(Aside) Could this really be true?
HERO
Truthfully, I cant tell what to make of it,
but she loves him with such a passion that
its past all understanding.
CLAUDIO
Maybe shes just pretending as a joke.
HERO

Oh God, pretending? No one has ever

faked this well before, then.
CLAUDIO
Why, how does she show that shes
in love?
HERO
She falls on her knees and weeps, sobs,
beats her chest, tears out her hair, prays,
curses, Oh Sweet Benedick, God give
me patience!
BENEDICK
I would take this as a joke if Hero wasnt
saying it herself. Mischief cant be hiding
in such a well-behaved woman.
CLAUDIO
Has she told Benedick she loves him?
HERO
No, and she swears she never will. Thats
why shes suffering.
CLAUDIO
If she wont tell Benedick, it would be good if someone else did.
HERO
What would that accomplish? Hed just laugh at her and make
her feel worse.
CLAUDIO
Shes probably right. If she offers him her love, its very likely
hell mock her. We all know hes a bit of a bully.
But I do love Benedick, and I just wish he would
take a good look at himself and realize how
unworthy he is of a woman like Beatrice.
HERO

If he doesnt love her now, Ill never trust my intuition again.

CLAUDIO
Well play the same trick on Beatrice. The real fun will
be when they both believe the other is in love, without
any of it really being true. I cant wait to see that, itll
be hilarious. Lets have her tell him to join us for dinner.
BENEDICK
This cant be a trick: they spoke so seriously,
and Hero herself said it. She loves me? Well,
I have to love her back! I never thought Id marry
anyone. I cant be smug about it. People who
discover their faults and then change them are
very lucky. They say she is beautiful and its
true, Ive seen it myself. And virtuous,
thats true too, I cant argue it. And smart,
except for the fact that she loves me. That may
not be proof of her intelligence, but it wont
be evidence of stupidity either, because Im
going to be awfully in love with her! People
might tease me here and there, since I talked
about hating marriage for so long. But dont tastes
change? A man can love a food when he is young
that he hates when he gets older. When I said that
I would die a bachelor, I just meant I didnt think Id
live long enough to find the right person. Here comes
Beatrice. Wow, shes a beautiful lady. I can see signs
of love in her face.
BEATRICE enters.
BEATRICE
They forced me to ask you to come to dinner with us.
BENEDICK
Beautiful Beatrice, thank you for taking the painful
effort to tell me that.
BEATRICE

I didnt take any more pain in bringing the message

than you took pain in thanking me. If the job
had been painful I just wouldnt have done it.
BENEDICK
So you took pleasure in bringing the message?
BEATRICE
Yeah, about as much pleasure as choking on
a bird at knifepoint. Youre obviously not hungry
and just teasing me. Goodbye.
BENEDICK
Aha! They forced me to ask you to come to
dinner with us. Theres a double meaning
in that. I didnt take any more pain in bringing
this message than you did in thanking me.
Thats like saying, Any thing I do for you is
worth it. If I dont pity her, Im a horrible
person. If I dont love her, Im completely
cold-hearted. I will look at her picture.
Beatrice, I love you more than anything
else in the world. Isnt that funny?
BENEDICK exits. BEATRICE enters.
BEATRICE
Im burning up with shame! Can this
be true? Do people criticize me this
much for being proud and scornful?
Then Ill say goodbye to my contempt
and my pride in being unmarried! No
good is spoken of such a person as me
behind her back. Benedick, keep on loving
me and I will return your love, like a wild
hawk being tamed by her handler. Ill be
kind to you from now on, and if you really
do love me, that kindness will encourage you
to seal our love with a wedding band.
People say that you deserve my love,
and I believe itnot just because theyve said so.