The Human Characteristics E-Course

The Human Characteristics e-Course
Understanding what causes things to go wrong
By Asaf Shani

By Asaf Shani
Editor: Jack Price
Visual concept: Tony Grillo - Flinch Studio
Drawing: Willie Castro
2012 2014 by Asaf Shani
All rights reserved. No part of this e-Book, whether text or image, may be
reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical,
including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval
system, without permission in writing from the author.
To my wife, Louani
Lesson 1
- Preface
- Introduction
- Reactiveness
Lesson 2
- Relativism
- Relating to Assets
- Paradigms
- Human Memory
- Expectations
- Habits and Fear Conditioning
Lesson 3
- The Need to Be Right
- Cognitive Dissonance
- Role Plays
- On Justice and Stuck-ness
- Anthropocentricity
- The Copernican Revolution
Lesson 4
- Consequentiality and Paternalism
- The Limits of Control
- Perceptual Errors
- Context
- Human Beings as Conditioned Creatures
Table of Contents
Preface
The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men
prefer not to hear.
Herbert Agar
by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved
page 5
We'd like to think we are unbiased creatures.

Unbiased in the sense that our ability to reason is not affected by any
situation or point of view that we examine every option in the same
manner.
We'd like to think that what we remember is what actually happened
that the inner voice that guides us is the voice of our highest self, guiding us
toward a better future.
We'd like to think that we see the world impartially and that we exercise our
freedom of choice in every decision.
We'd like to think this is how things are. But the reality is very different.
page 6
The tragedy of humanity lies in the endless options.

Albert Camus
page 7
The purpose of this module is to examine the human characteristics. In my

opinion, this examination renders Camus statement invalid. In reality, the
tragedy is that we don't realize even a small percentage of our options.
Our human characteristics lead to irrational behavior, such as:
The double standard of relating differently to identical situations because
of a change in our point of view.
Manipulating facts stored in our memory to make us feel better.
Making decisions that, from the moment we make them, blind us to other
options.
Conflict is an environment that draws out these human characteristics.
Without our (usually hidden) human characteristics, conflicts would not
occur and negotiations would have yield a satisfying closure more often.
Human beings are prone to conflict, and conflict reflects our humanness, or
to be more exact, our less rational sides.
page 8
To understand why we behave the way we do in conflict situations, we must

first understand the human characteristics that are expressed and
intensified in such situations.
This e-course is not meant to evoke despair or remorse. The goal is practical
and simple: in your next conflict or negotiation and you feel you are right
and the other party is wrong you will begin to doubt. You will question
this very solid feeling of being right and wonder whether just maybe
you should consider another point of view.
Unless we have doubts about an issue, we will not consider reexamining it.
Creating doubt is the first step in improving our ability to deal with conflicts
or negotiations in a way that brings us closer to our goals.
Uncertainty about whether the way we view things is the only way to view
them allows us to examine the source of our behavior and consider
changing it.
Researchers have called the human characteristics by different names
don't get hung up on definitions. As long as this part of the book plants a
seed of doubt in your mind, it has accomplished its purpose.
page 9
We are all trying to enter the same room. We just use different doors.
Moshe Feldenkrais
page 10
Introduction to the e-course

In this section, youll learn to analyze certain human characteristics in
yourself and in others characteristics that make us conflict prone. This
skill is critical to your ability to manage conflicts and handle complex
negotiations.
After completing this module, you'll know how to:
- Respond positively to what youre feeling inside before, during and after
a conflict or a tough negotiation instead of being controlled by your
feelings.
- Analyze to what extent you're being controlled by your human
characteristics, no matter what your gender, culture or religion might be.
- Recognize and avoid certain pitfalls of conflicts and negotiations.
- Deal with human characteristics in a way that accomplishes your
objectives.
page 11
- Control the things that are within your control, instead of placing your fate
in the hands of the other person.
- Develop skill in managing a wider variety of negotiations and situations
involving conflict.
Be sure to look for the Apply icon in each chapter. It marks tips and
techniques for applying what you have learned. Youll get more out of this
course if you apply your knowledge as you go.
page 12
End of Introduction
Next Chapter
Table of Contents
Reactiveness
Newton's third law, which he formulated in "Philosophiae Naturalis Principia

Mathematica" in 1687, states:
"Law III: All forces occur in pairs, and these two forces are equal in
magnitude and opposite in direction."
In other words, when we push an object, it responds with a push of identical
strength in the opposite direction.
page 15
A push can be a physical act. It can also be in the meaning we attribute to

words that are spoken to us.
Pushing messages are statements, where the speaker expresses his opinion;
or commands, the speaker orders the person in front of him to behave in a
certain way.
For example:
- "You should eat more vegetables."
- "You never answer your phone."
- "You call when I'm busy."
The opinion or demand act as a force which pushes the listener, thereby
activating Newton's Third Law.
page 16
Its easy to become trapped by our

human characteristics in everyday situations.
page 17
Bill is just coming home. His wife Helen is waiting for him . . .
page 18
Most of the time, we dont even realize its happening.
page 19
Whats wrong?"
page 20
Even in ordinary conversation,

simple words can be perceived as a push.
page 21
Newtons Third Law . . .
page 22
. . . applies not only to objects . . .
page 23
. . . but to people too.
page 24
So, we push back,

not because were bad or broken . . .
page 25
. . . but because it is a characteristic built into our nature:

a human characteristic.
page 26
Think back to a time when someone addressed you directly, making a

comment with which you disagreed.
Their opposing opinion pushed you, and you felt compelled to respond Newton's Third Law in action in an interpersonal communication.
Heres the problem. A push leads to a counter-push, which leads to a
another counter-push to the counter-push, and so on. This push-counterpush dynamic locks both sides in a useless game of ping pong.
The human propensity for getting back at someone leads people far from
where they want to go, and turns them into someone they don't want to be.
page 27
Suppose you ask someone for a favor, and they refuse, saying, "I don't feel
like it."
A while later that person asks you for a favor. How will you respond?
Instinctively, you will feel justified in refusing, because, "He didn't give me,
so I won't give him, or, He's stingy, so I'll be stingy like him.
Does it make sense? It may have a certain twisted logic to it.
Is it beneficial? Almost never.
page 28
I used the word instinct for a reason when describing the process we go
through when pushed.
Human beings are reactive creatures. Our reflexes are programmed to react
to a push with a counter-push.
Lets examine reflexes for a moment.
A reflex is a physical reaction of the nervous system to a stimulus. The brain
is not involved in the act; it is only informed of its consequences. We cannot
control our reaction to the stimulus.
page 29
Since the earliest days of man . . .
page 30
. . . our brains have been wired . . .
page 31
. . . to react quickly . . .
page 32
. . . to certain stimuli . . .
page 33
. . . without stopping to think.
page 34
Our brain works the same way.
page 35
When we perceive a push . . .
page 36
. . . our analytical ability narrows . . .
page 37
. . . and instinct tells us to react.
page 38
We have the capacity to be aware of our human characteristics . . .
page 39
. . . and recognize reactiveness as a process, not a response.
page 40
A similar process takes place with our perceptions. This process is rooted in
something called meaning attribution.
Our instinctive reaction to a push results from the meaning we attribute to
those words.
Take a look at Bill and Don in the following example:
page 41
Its important to be aware . . .
page 42
. . . of the patterns . . .
page 43
. . . that drive our behavior.
page 44
. . . especially in situations with the potential for conflict .
page 45
We know that words . . .
page 46
can have a pushing effect. . .
page 47
Whether we realize it or not, we choose

the meaning that we attribute to the words of others.
page 48
Meaning is applied in our own heads . .
page 49
. . . nowhere else.
page 50
And when words push us . . .
page 51
were naturally inclined to push back.
page 52
And whatever comes out of our mouths . . .
page 53
. . . can create unintended consequences.
page 54
Remember your Christmas bonus?
page 55
Well . . .
page 56
Merry Christmas!!!
page 57
. . . theres no way to take back the words.
page 58
Let's break down Bill and Don's conversation:

1. Don says to Bill, "You're doing it the wrong way."
2. Bill attributes the meaning as, "Bill, you're a bonehead,"
3. Bill responds with, "Then why don't you do it yourself?
4. Don attributes defiance to Bill's words.
5. Don responds to Bill's perceived defiance.
6. End result: Bill can kiss his Christmas bonus goodbye.
page 59
The critical point in this process is when we attribute meaning to the words
we hear.
We place great importance on intentions, filtering the words and actions of
those around (usually unconsciously) through the prism of, "What did he
mean by that? What was his intention?
Subconsciously, we interpret words differently, depending on who says
them. A statement by a three-year-old doesn't carry the same significance
as the same statement made by an adult, so we attribute a different
meaning to the words of a child.
How should meaning be attributed? Meaning should be attributed through
pragmatics - the study of the relationship between meaning and context.
We should take context into consideration when interpreting the meaning
of a message.
page 60
For example, when someone steps on your foot, how you feel about it will
depend on whether you see it as malicious or unintentional.
The physical pain in both cases will be the same. Yet, attributing malicious
intent to the other party's action adds an emotional significance that
intensifies the pain beyond its physical dimension.
The meaning is the same - "Someone stepped on my foot" - but attributing
intention creates a completely different subjective reality.
Our reflexes, if left on automatic pilot, rob us of our ability to choose the
meaning we attribute to the messages we receive.
The key to taking our reflexes off automatic pilot is to recognize that there is
at least one other possible interpretation of every message we receive. We
have the ability to make attributions consciously, to choose the meaning
and intention we attribute to the messages we receive.
By choosing our attributions, we take the first step in managing our reflexive
responses. This step can happen only if we attribute meaning consciously.
page 61
A number of years ago I participated in a communications workshop.

Of all the exercises, the one that left the greatest impression on me was one
where we were paired up and asked to sit facing each other.
One of us was given permission to say anything he wanted. He could joke,
curse, abuse, or try to intimidate. The other person was not allowed to
respond in any way.
I was amazed by how difficult it was for me to remain indifferent to what
was being said to me, even though I knew that I was participating in an
exercise where my partner had simply been instructed to try to shake my
mental equilibrium.
page 62
Something amazing thing happened after several hours (!) of this exercise.
Suddenly, it was as if time had slowed down. I could see the words
approaching me and identify that split second in which I had a choice of
whether to attribute meaning to the words or not.
From that moment on, I was able to sit comfortably, no matter what was
said to me. I recognized that I had the ability to separate the speaker from
the words, and the words from my attributed meaning.
I was overcome with a sense of inner strength. I had the ability to recognize
the moment of free choice. I had the ability to actualize this choice.
This ability is absolutely essential if we are to manage conflicts or complex
negotiations differently and more effectively.
page 63
The meaning of what is said to you

is created in one place: your head.
You have the ability to choose whether and how to respond. You are
responsible for the meaning you attribute to words.
Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
Before entering into a conversation, decide that you are going to examine
the meaning you attribute to what is being said.
Repeat to yourself, both before and during the conversation, "What
meaning am I attributing to this message?"
Check during and after the conversation to see to what extent Newton's
Third Law was triggered in you; to what extent you were "pushed" by the
meaning you attribute to what was being said; to what extent you reacted
by pushing back.
page 64
Why is it so difficult to refrain from responding? It's simple: we are addicted

to meaning.
We have gotten so used to searching for the speaker's intentions - analyzing
the hidden significance of words, attributing our own meaning, and reading
intentions - that we begin to do these things automatically.
When we attribute meaning automatically, without first considering
whether there are other ways of interpreting what was said, we fall into a
pragmatic trap: we begin to respond to our own internal concept of what is
said, rather than to what is actually said.
page 65
I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless

enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as
though it had an underlying truth.
~ Umberto Eco
page 66
The getting-back-at mechanism is so human and so strong.

When we are stuck in the getting-back-at mechanism, we tend to react to
events rather than to initiate them.
When we are reactive rather than proactive, we tend to become an effect of
the situation rather than a cause.
Instead of choosing to lead in a situation, we allow ourselves to be dragged
along by it.
And we give up more than our freedom of choice; we give up our ability to
feel satisfaction, which is directly related to the amount of choice we have.
This is why we feel frustrated and angry after a conflict. We know deepdown that we did not choose to end up where we did. We allowed this
getting-back-at mechanism, this action- reaction, this push-counter-push, to
deprive of our own freedom of choice, leaving us unhappy and unsatisfied.
page 67
If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also.
~Jesus Christ 1
page 68
I have no intention of preaching. You may interpret Jesus' words for

yourself.
Did he mean this literally? If so, it certainly is a high standard of behavior. It
demands that your response be completely independent of the other
person's behavior.
Easier said than done, as Bill and Don are about to find out:
page 69
Sooner or later, we all face situations where we have to restrain ourselves,

even if we feel weve been treated unfairly.
page 70
This is not to say we should take other peoples abuse.
page 71
Thank you sir, may I have another?
page 72
page 73
page 74
page 75
page 76
page 77
page 78
Thats definitely not the right idea.

But we CAN choose the meaning we give to words.
page 79
Being aware of the pattern allows you to

choose the meaning you give to other peoples words...
page 80
. . . and being proactive in your response

gives you the power to choose where things go from here.
page 81
Lets give Bill a little peace and quiet while he

builds a response that allows let him to keep his bonus.
page 82
Not getting back at someone being a loser!

There are very few people (and I am not one of them) who are capable of
behaving this way. The point I'm trying to make here is that our reflexes turn
us into someone we don't want to be, and actually into the very thing we
object to.
I know what youre thinking. "Yes, but he hurt me. He offended me. I have
to get back at him." Heres what another great thinker had to say about
that.
I cant tell you what to do; I can only point to the consequences of your
actions. If you dont mind the consequences, then go ahead - get back at
him.
The choice is yours.
page 83
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."

~Confucius
page 84
Footnotes
1Luke
6:27-31. NIV
page 85
End of Chapter
Next Chapter
Table of Contents

The Human Characteristics E-Course - Lesson 1

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Understanding what causes things to go wrong

The Human Characteristics e-Course

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

We'd like to think we are unbiased creatures.

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

The tragedy of humanity lies in the endless options.

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

The purpose of this module is to examine the human characteristics. In my

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

To understand why we behave the way we do in conflict situations, we must

The Human Characteristics e-Course

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

Introduction to the e-course

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

Newton's third law, which he formulated in "Philosophiae Naturalis Principia

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

A push can be a physical act. It can also be in the meaning we attribute to

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

Its easy to become trapped by our

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

Most of the time, we dont even realize its happening.

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

Even in ordinary conversation,

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

Newtons Third Law . . .

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

. . . applies not only to objects . . .

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

. . . but to people too.

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

So, we push back,

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

. . . but because it is a characteristic built into our nature:

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

Think back to a time when someone addressed you directly, making a

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved

The Human Characteristics e-Course

by Asaf Shani - All rights reserved