How to Overcome Self-Doubt, Get Rid of Anxiety, and Stay

Focused

Self-doubt is paralyzing. Do I have what it takes? What if my best isnt good

enough? What if I fail?
Its not just if youre a beginner either. Even people who are successful struggle with
self-doubt regularly.
But they have learned how to consistently resolve the feelings of selfdoubt or impostor syndrome.
We talk about how to overcome feelings of paralysis, what to do to keep self-doubt
minimized and less likely to resurface, as well as why the phrase could be is
keeping you from ever accomplishing anything.
Show Notes

Followup

00:55 I recap my experience on panel at Circles Conference.

04:12 I give a short recap of my first Sabbatical week (detailed video and
blog post).

11:22 Ben talks about new job developments.

Overcoming Self-Doubt

15:05 A lot of people struggle with the feeling of self-doubt.

What if my best work doesnt cut it?

Can I really do this?

What if I mess up?

What if I fail?

What if this doesnt pan out like I hope?

16:33 Sean: The first place I would start if youre feeling this way is defining
enough. Theres an underlying sense of comparison going on. Theres some
form of expectation on you.

What are the expectations on you?

Who put those expectations there?

Are they valid?

16:56 Are you trying to live up to someone elses expectations of you?

17:05 Ben: I definitely agree that defining the expectations and getting
down to the root of things is really important, but what were talking about
here is really the difference between what you do know and what you dont
know. I think the inherent problem with asking What if? is youre trying to
live in that realm of what you dont know. Youre trying to make decisions
based on things that you dont really know the outcome and all of that is
based on speculation.

17:43 You can make guesses and you can drill those possibilities down to
each of their conclusions but, you dont really know what the conclusion is
going to be. That What if? question paralyzes us and makes us stuck. It
holds us back from actually moving forward and making any progress.

18:28 Sean: What do you think peoples struggle is when they are
experiencing self-doubt? Whats a common question? Would you say its a
fear of the unknown or fear of failure or both?

18:47 Ben: I dont know if those two things are really that different,
because you really dont know whether or not youre going to fail. What you
can define is truth. Instead of saying What if? you can say If THIS happens,
I will do THIS.

Instead of worrying about what you dont know, make assertions about what
youwill do.

20:32 Ben: Its empowering too. I may not be able to control the outcome of
this, but Im going to take some time to try to learn something new or reach
out to someone who might know how to solve that problem and can help me.
Thats when I think we start to feel powerful and we start to build momentum
toward getting over our self-doubt.

21:27 Sean: I like what Isabel says in the chat room:

o

Anxiety is experiencing failure in advance.

21:34 Youre making an assumption that you will fail and youre choosing to
experience that in your mind right now before having even done something.

21:47 I agree with what you said earlier about following things through to
their conclusion even if its negative. I think there are probably two camps:

People who mentally play through the scene until a failure and say its
not even worth trying.

People who dont really think through it at all. Its unknown, its scary,
and they dont even want to go there mentally.

2. Worst-Case Scenario
3. 22:18 But what if you do decide to think about it and in that thought exercise

you discover that the worst-case scenario isnt that bad?

4. 22:40 For instance, lets look at a worst-case scenario. Envision two alternate

universes. One is where you are right now: self-doubting. The other one is
where you decide to go through with this thing even if youre afraid.
5. 23:03 You have all of these doubts: What if Im not good enough? What if this

thing fails? What if I fall flat on my face?

6. 23:08 Ok, what if?
7. 23:11 Lets say you do it and you do fail. Well, that would be frustrating. You

might have to start again. Youll certainly have some more experience, but
you will have to start again. But what just happened here? You did something.
You learned something. You found a way that didnt workthats
progress. Youve beat inertia. Starting again is going to be even easier.
8. 23:36 Meanwhile in Universe #1, youre still self-doubting. What is

thatcosting you? Youre stuck in a self-doubting positive feedback

loopand youre going nowhere fast.
Self-doubters think about self-doubt a lot.
What is that time worth to you? What is theopportunity cost?
9. 24:07 Ben: Ive felt that feeling of powerlessness. Feeling like I cant take a

step in that direction because I dont know whats going to happen. Its not
just the inaction itself, but its also all of the creative and mental bandwidth
that takes up. My thoughts can easily become consumed by something that I
dont know or understandthings Im afraid of. Im an emotionally-driven
guy. There was a situation that came up that dropped my mood. I let this
whole afternoon go by in this funk. I felt so unmotivated.
10. 25:07 I should have sat down and done this exercise and said, Okay, whats

going to happen from this point? and really let it play out and come to some
conclusionnegative or positiveand make a decision. Decide that if THIS
happens, THIS is what Im going to do.

11. 25:35 I couldve gotten on with my day. I couldve gotten a lot more done.

Its so trueits not just the inaction itself of being in a funk, but its how it
effects you emotionally and steals your creativity.
12. 25:50 Sean: Do you have any insight on recognizing the need to switch to

logical mode when youre in an emotional mood? I experience emotions but

Im also a different personality type. It takes a really long time for me to
swing towards one end of the emotional spectrum or the other. If Im ever in
a really bad spot, it takes me a long time to get there and a long time to
recover. Thats a personality thing, but Im curious from your perspective if
you recognize that youre in an emotional state and you need to think about
this objectively, how do you make that switch? Or is it something that just
has to play out?
13. 26:48 Ben: I think inherent in each personality type there is a default way

we handle emotion. But I think with practice, there is a certain level of control
you can have over your emotions. I dont know if trying to get over
something emotionally is necessarily the goal.
14. 27:30 I wonder if when we deny ourselves the ability to feel something and

play out those emotions if we build up some kind of emotional

debt where its damaging. Theres a balance between trying to find a
resolution for those emotions through the practice of doing an exercise like
were talking about, and not forcing it.
15. 28:02 I think that you can find a logical path to resolving your emotions

without letting go of those emotions or suppressing them. Im sorry, I feel like

Im rambling, Im just chasing these thoughts
16. 28:16 Sean: No, no, its good. I think a lot of people are relating right now.

Im definitely relating.
17. 28:21 Ben: So with our kids, one of the things we learned was that when

theyre upset about something that seems kind of small and insignificant to
us, one of the most damaging things we can do is to say, Oh its okay. Thats
not even a big deal. Why are you upset about that? Because in their mind
and their experience and their world, whatever it is theyre upset about
means so much to them. Their feelings, as subjective as they may be,
are their reality. Its true to them. So if we do that, were basically calling
what theyre feeling as something theyre at fault with right now
18. 29:05 Sean: Its invalidating.
19. 29:07 Ben: Yeah, its invalidatingthats the word I was looking for. We can

also do that to ourselves. We can invalidate our own feelings. I think its
important to say, Its invalid that in this set of circumstances I feel this way

right now. Just be honest with yourself about your feelings and validate
them. Not to say I want to feel this way forever, but saying, Its valid that I
feel this way right now. Being able to attach it to a specific reason is
sometimes one of the most difficult things. Maybe you feel a certain way and
you think its whatevers in front of you but that emotion is actually attached
to something else entirely. Thats why they pay therapists thousands of
dollars to help us get to the root of some of those things.
20. 30:43 So when we validate our emotions and identify what theyre really

attached to, it helps us in the practice of getting past those emotions and
moving toward productivity again.
21. Reasons You Might Want to Consider Abandoning Self-Doubt
22. 30:57 Sean: Ill share some things for someone who is in that kind of

emotional state and looking for the logical path out. Theyre looking for
reasons why they might want to abandon self-doubt. The first one isnt
always the most apparent:
o

You are an example to someone.

31:26 Whether you have a bunch of followers, or a bunch of fans, or

just your own family, people are looking to you. Your friends are looking
to you. You are serving as an example to someone and even if you are
faking it til you make it right now, it can help someone.

31:58 You are a product of your environment:

You will believe what you consistently think.

You will believe what you consistently say.

You will believe what those around you believe, think, and say.

32:11 Who are you surrounding yourself with? Im not saying because
youre experiencing self-doubt and anxiety right now that youre
around the wrong type of people, but maybe youre simply not around
the right people.

Go places and put yourself in situations where the right type of people are going
tospeak positively to you.
o

32:36 Sean: When youre around people who are speaking

positively toyou and positively about you, you will start to speak
positively about yourself.

32:52 Ben: Yeah, it was really interesting when you and I started
hanging out together more. Before I really started to see myself as a

professional, my client relationships were based on me being a

commodity rather than an investment. Its not that they were saying
that I wasnt a professional, they were just doing what anyone would
naturally do in a relationship with someone who didnt see themselves
as a professional.
o

34:10 When you and I started meeting together and when I started
exposing myself to people who are talking about professionalism, I
really started changing my mindset. Now, Im so sensitive to those
things that I can recognize them before I enter into that relationship. I
know what Im willing to put up with and what Im not willing to put up
with. Thats been a tremendous benefit.

34:46 Sean: Thats why I think its so important to speak positively

onto people. Speak to them and treat them like they are the person
that they want to be and like they are the person that they should be.

35:05 Thats something you get when youre around positive people.
Thats something you get when you speak it about yourself. If youre
saying:

This is where I am.

This is who I am.

Im right here.

I cant move.

I cant continue.

I cant try things.

Im too scared.

35:22 youre holding yourself there with your own

words! Youve got to break out of that.

35:28 Sean: Im gonna bet that whoevers listening to this right now
doesnt treat others that way. Im gonna bet that you give grace to
other people. I know that if someone else falls short, youre not calling
them the failure that youre calling yourself. If youre looking for the
logic of it: youre being inconsistent. Youre not treating yourself as
good as youre treating someone else who isnt you.

35:57 I would say call those voices what they are: excuses. Youre not
holding other people to that standard. Youre not saying those negative

things to other people, youre just saying it to yourself because you

dont want to go forward.
o

36:16 Ben: I think when we do that exercise of looking at all the

possibilities and really trying to drill them down to their conclusions,
dealing with the salient thingswhat we will dothats when those
excuses become irrelevant.

36:53 Sean: At its core, its looking externally for validation. I think
thats natural to a degree, because it can be hard to find that within
yourself. Its a self-perpetual positive feedback loop. Once youre on
the good side, it continues to be good. Once youre on the negative
side, it continues to be negative. Youre stuck. How do you get out of
that?

Where does the leader get that sense of direction?

To be followed, you have to just lead. If you want to get out of a negative
loop,you have to step outside.
You have to make that first move.
o

Establish Your Values

38:04 Sean: Are you acting in line with your values? If you dont know
your values, youre not going to know whether your actions are in line
with them. But if your actions are in line with your values then you
dont need to worry about self-doubt. You can just say, Im acting in
line with my values, and you you can be sure in that.

38:30 Ben: This is probably the biggest hurdle but also the most
powerful thing that you can do: just move in a direction.

42:48 Sean: Self-doubt is paralyzing. It keeps you from moving, it

keeps you from doing, it keeps you from shipping. Weve talked about
fear of failure before (Related: e058 Fear of Failure), but I want to talk
about a new concept I havent yet discussed.

Could be vs. I want

43:08 If youre doubting yourself, if youre not sure you really want to
do this, if youre not sure you have what it takes, if youre not sure
youre good enough in the back of your mind, you might think that
you want this, but really its just a could be. Yeah, this could be.
Icould do this.

Could be never happens. I want is what will drive you.

Saying to yourself, I want this is what will drive you.

What is that thing for you?
o

43:52 Ben: You know, thats really interesting because Im sitting

here thinking about those things that I wantI do want thembut I
think about them and talk about them as things that COULD be.

44:08 I say, This COULD be IF and then I fill in the blank. Im not a
great judge of what it will take, but if I set a goal and I say I WANT
this and I take action, thats whats important.

44:35 Sean: Its the I want paired with action.

44:38 Ben: Action is such an important thing. Past accomplishments

sometimes arent powerful enough to help you in the moment. In this
present moment you always have to make the decision to act. To move
forward. To do something. Self-belief doesnt precede action. You have
to take that step forward before your mind will come into alignment
with what youre doing.

45:41 Sean: Yeah! Youre saying you want this thing, but do you want
it enough to act while youre in this place of self-doubt?

Questions to Ask Yourself

48:48 Sean: If youre saying could be you can know that it will never
happen. If you actually do want this and youre deciding to tie an
action to it, these are some questions to ask yourself:

Did I give it my best?

Am I following through with my commitments?

Were my intentions good?

Am I willing to iterate and move forward?

Am I choosing to learn from experienceswin or lose?

Self-Doubt Is an Ongoing Battle

49:40 Successful people still struggle with self-doubt. Why? Because

successful people push themselves and successful people keep
learning. That means theyre constantly pushing forward and putting
themselves in situations where they are challenged. They may
feel like theyre not good at it, or theyre faking itwe all deal with
impostor syndrome. But what successful people have learned to do is

acknowledge the feeling and then ask themselves the above questions
as a quick check.
o

50:21 When the answer is yes, they know theyre doing the right
thing. When the answer is yes, they move on. They allow it to serve
as a motivator rather than an inhibitor. They dont dwell on it.
Remember: self-doubters spend a lot of time thinking about self-doubt.

Get Rid of Anxiety

50:53 Sean: Youre anxious, youre worried, its eating you up, but now
you know why. Youre aware of where you are and you recognize that
youre stuck in a loop of self-doubt. This is where Ben would say to take
10 breaths.

51:10 Ben: Thats right, 10 deep breaths.

51:12 Sean: Thats a long time. It took me like a minute to take four or
five breaths.

51:17 Ben: Yeah, it takes some time. I encourage this as a daily

practice. It brings this mindfulness. Being aware of the reality of your
situation. This practice goes hand-in-hand with that practice of trying
to determine the reality of the situation youre in and what you will do.
10 deep breaths.

52:01 Sean: If you want to get rid of anxiety, the first thing is
recognizing where you are. Part of being anxious is feeling like you
dont know a lot of things. You dont know what the outcome is, you
dont know what the problem is, you dont know where you are, you
dont know where youre supposed to be going.

52:19 Recognizing that youre stuck in a loop of self-doubt is helpful

because you know where youre at. You know that continuing to doubt
yourself is going to keep you doubting yourself. Remember:

You will believe what you consistently think.

You will believe what you consistently say.

You will believe what those around you believe, think, and say.

52:53 Ben: Get really good at being able to recognize the difference
between things that you are just speculating and things that you
actually know.

53:22 Sean: Youre not always going to know before moving forward,
but thats why I say to establish your values and make sure youre
acting in them. Then move.

Youre not going to know the outcome of everything beforehand.

If youre waiting for the guarantee, youre going to wait forever because there are
no guarantees. You just need to be acting in your values.
o

Stay Focused

54:02 Sean: Know your time-wasters. If youre feeling like youre

stuck, you probably have these go-to time-wasters that serve as an
escape because its not a really fun place to be. But like we said, it has
to start with action and youre only going to act if its a thing that you
do. It has to be something thats on the schedule.

54:28 Youve got to be focused with this:

Know your time wasters.

Recognize them.

Get them out and go to the action instead.

2. 54:38 What is the action thats going to bring you out of this loop of

self-doubt? Now schedule that thing.

3. 54:44 Recognize the environments in which you most commonly doubt

yourself. It could be a place, it could be other people, it could be a

thing that you do. Put yourself around people that are going to speak
positively to you.
4. 55:00 Like you said, Ben, you have to create movement. Youve got to

start. Sometimes you might need education. Its very possible that
youre not sure about moving forward because you simply arent sure
or dont know something you need to know. Youre not educated. Im
not necessarily talking about traditional education, it could just be
researching or educating yourself about a particular scenario before
you can make a good decision.
5. 55:30 Ben: Yeah, and even there, you can dwell on the fact that you

dont know whether or not you can do thiswhich is completely nonactionableor you can say, Im going to do research, or Im going to
get education about this specific thing so that I will be able to do it
when I get there.
6. 57:09 Sean: One last tip from John in the chat:

Sleep. Its absolutely critical to conquering self-doubt.