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COMPASSIONATE
COMMUNICATION
and helped keep the layout open and light. Six years later, when
I set about this revision, once again she generously gave
support. I shower her with heartfelt thanks.
If you appreciate this booklet, kindly go express it by visiting
her website: www.RecipeForPeace.com.
As always, I close with gratitude.
AND
To contact John:
PO Box 2011
Nevada City, CA 95959
phones: (home) 530.274.2356 (cell) 541.210.1553
email: john@empathy-conexus.com
web: www.empathy-conexus.com
EMPATHYS
AWAKENING
By
John Cunningham
Revised in Spring 2008
ANTHROPOSOPHICAL RESOURCES
Dieter Brll, The Mysteries of Social Encounters
Henri Bortoft, The Wholeness of Nature
Baruch Urieli & Hans Mller-Wiedemann, Learning to Experience the Etheric World
Nigel Hoffman, Goethes Science of Living Form
Harry Salman, The Social World as Mystery Center
Henning Khler, Difficult Children: There is No Such Thing
Baruch Urieli, Male and Female: Developing Human Empathy
Margreet Van Den Brink, More Precious Than Light
Michael Luxford, Loving the Stranger
Georg Khlewind, Star Children
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GOING FORWARD
New Meaning
What do you see in the graphic below? A chaotic pattern of black and
white blotches? That's usually the first impression. At some moment,
The same idea holds true in our speaking and listening. Compassionate
Communication gives us a body of organizing ideas that enable us to see
and read new meaning in our encounters with others and in the dialogues
we have with ourselves. It gives us greater ability to foster understanding,
connection and compassion. That is its intention, goal and possibility.
A CHOICE BEFORE US
ONLOOKER
PARTICIPATORY
INTENT TO CORRECTGoal is to
analyze situations, find whats wrong
and correct it.
INTENT TO CONNECTGoal is
to create mutual understanding,
enabling all needs to be met.
LIFE-ALIENATINGTends to
alienate us from what is alive in
the moment in ourselves, in others
and in the world.
LIFE-SERVINGTends to
reconnect us to what is alive in
the moment in ourselves, in others
and in the world.
DEFY OR COMPLYReacting
to external pressure. Conditioned
to authority.
CHOICESelf-initiated activity
in line with ones own feelings,
needs and values.
ALREADY BECOMEWhats
already become is intellectualized into
discreet Its and bits.
BECOMINGLife is a process of
becoming. We participate in the
coming-into-being of the life.
EXTRINSIC MOTIVES
Conditioned to act for reward and
approval, or to avoid punishment.
INTRINSIC MOTIVES
Creating our own meaning and
purpose while honoring the
choices of others.
MORALISTIC JUDGMENTS
Whats good/bad, right/wrong.
VALUE JUDGMENTSBased
upon values and needs.
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Often, however, were neither present nor clear about these four
aspects. Its as if were embedded in a matrix of language that mixes and
muddles these basic phenomena and we end up languaging whats
happening in ways that separate us. Were born into a matrix of
languageour cultural default settingwhere evaluations mix with
observations, thoughts with feelings, strategies with needs, and demands
replace requests. We end up with expressions that focus on right/wrong,
good/bad, spiritually tactful appropriate/inappropriate and the love affair
with being right, defectivism and pathologizing. We excel at diagnosing
whats amiss, analyzing, labeling, blaming and criticizing. In the onlooker
matrix were often left with crippled understandings, sabotaged
connections and the fractious friction of all against all.
A Participatory Vocabulary
In being human, each of us is gifted with universal human needs. An
awareness of these needs grounds us in our common human experience
and offers us a vocabulary to unlock a hitherto hidden dimension of human
experience. It is a vocabulary that reveals and celebrates that each of us is
simply in the process of becoming, and doing the best we can.
From our first breath to our last, these human needs are rising: the
need for meaning, understanding, connection; for safety, autonomy,
integrity; the need to matter, to be seen, to be heard, as well as the
profound need we have to serve life, to enrich life and to contribute to
others; and, of course, the need to play. These needs come to presence in,
and form a vocabulary for our becoming. They are alive within us at all
times and stir us to action. As we gain literacy in reading these needs, we
see with new eyes.
Our feelings are rooted in our needs and let us know how our
becoming is going. They ground us in the present and, with practice, can
become cognitive, a way of self-knowing. Together with needs, they form
an archetype of human experience. As we practice Compassionate
Communication, we discover that when seen in terms of our feelings and
needs, we feel understood and connected. In that, empathy awakens.
3
Empathys Awakening
The Pioneer
OBSERVATIONS
FEELINGS
Here were sensing what they might be feeling and checking to see
if we understand. We participate in their present moment.
NEEDS
Here were seeking to identify the needs that lie at the root of their
feelings. What needs matter in the moment?
REQUESTS
Im wondering if ?
Marshall Rosenbergs life work, laid out for us in his basic book,
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, has pioneered the means
to language this threshold. He uncovered the secret that enables us to
accelerate the development of empathy. He did this by realizing that, at the
heart of every packet of communication, there lies a universal human
EMPATHY
, SELF
-Ehow,
MPATHY
&fluency
COMPASSION
need. He
then modeled
for us
by gaining
in the vocabulary of
needs, we can change our way of seeing and co-create a participatory
reality in becoming. We can see human becoming in its arising.
In empathy lies the seed for a new imagination of how we can meet in
our shared humanity. Rumi spoke of the land beyond right and wrong.
Compassionate Communication offers us the languaging to meet and live
in that land as we forge empathy, the art of leaping beyond oneself.
...man is beginning in our time to cross the threshold of the
spiritual world in the natural course of his development. This means
that our present-day consciousness, which is limited in its perception
to the physical world alone, is gradually supplemented by a capacity
to perceive the etheric world, the world of living process.
Baruch Urieli, Learning to Experience the Etheric World
TEACHER REPHRASES:
When I see how Jason struggles to stay focused on his school work and he
tells me he spends a lot of time at home watching TV or on the computer,
and I reflect on what Ive read about sensory-integration and child
development. (observations)
I feel concerned and helpless, (feelings)
Because I need support for my efforts to protect this process of human
development that happens in childhood. (need for support)
Would you be willing to tell me what youre hearing me say? (a request)
TEACHER EMPATHIZES:
When I share my concerns about Jason and his difficulty staying focused
in class and how it might be related to his screen time, (observations)
Are you feeling overwhelmed and discouraged? (feelings)
Because youre needing some acknowledgment for your efforts, and
some understanding for how difficult it might be to make some of
these changes at home? (needs for acknowledgment & understanding)
Im wondering if youd like to schedule some time for us to talk about
how we might work together to support Jason? (request)
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FEELINGS
Im feeling
NEEDS
REQUESTS
PARENT REPHRASES:
When I see how unhappy my daughter is when she comes home and
tells me about some things that happen to her at school ,
(observations)
Im feeling heartbroken and alarmed, (feelings)
Because I need clarity about whats going on for my daughter. I need to
know that she is safe and supported at school .(needs for clarity and
doing whats best for ones children)
Would you be willing to share with me what you see happening and the
steps youre taking to foster harmony among the children? (request)
PARENT EMPATHIZES:
When I bring my concerns about Emilys unhappiness in school and
some of the behavior she has described (observations)
Are you feeling overwhelmed and frustrated? (feelings)
And needing some understanding around the challenges you face as
well as support for your efforts? (needs for understanding & support)
Im wondering if Ive understood you the way youd like and whether
theres something more youd like to share? (request)
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We can choose how we listen to, and make sense of, what comes to us.
If we reflect a bit, we see that our choices have quite different results. For
most of us, we respond out of habit, and as onlookers to the other. Through
Compassionate Communication, we have a choice to participate with them.
For example, suppose someone says to us, Do you have any idea
how thoughtless youve been? What are our choices?
When I hear this comment, I can choose to respond by...
Taking it personally. I internalize the judgment, blame myself
for being thoughtless, tell myself I should be more
thoughtful and begin a free fall toward shame, guilt and
depression. I choose, Im at fault and to blame.
Concluding Im under attack. I interpret whats been said as
a critical judgment and react defensively. Thats not true.
What about what you did! I choose that the other person
must be wrong and therefore to blame.
As an onlooker...
OBSERVATIONS
ONLOOKER CONSCIOUSNESS:
BEING RIGHT, AT ODDS & ALONE
This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally
classifying people into varying shades of good and bad,
right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness,
resistance, and counterattack. It is a language of demands.
Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
JUDGING
Moralistic Judgments
Good/Bad & Right/Wrong
Either/Or Binary Thinking
BLAMING
LABELING
OBEYING
DESERVE
BEING RIGHT
ASSUMING
Denying Choice
Denying Responsibility
Conditioned to Authority
COMPARING
Fault-Finding
Deviance Detecting
The first request I call the air traffic controllers request. Its
about message sent, message received. We might frame it thus (and
there are a variety of ways to phrase it): Would you be willing to tell
me what youre hearing me say? We have taken some care in how
weve spoken and we want to check to see that weve been heard as
intended.
The second is an invitational request. Weve shared whats going
on for us in the moment and with this request, we invite the other to
share whats alive for them. It sounds something like this: Would you
be willing to tell whats coming up for you in hearing what Im
saying? Or more colloquially: Whats coming up for you now? With
this request, we are saying that, yes, we have something coming up for
us and, at the same time, were interested in whats coming up for the
other. In making this request, we prepare inwardly to give empathy.
Gratitude
Marshall Rosenberg has said that all we say is please and thank
you. When we speak we either have a request arising out of one of
our needs, or we are expressing our gratitude for something someone
has done.
Compassionate Communication enables us to deepen and bring
precision to the practice of gratitude. We do this by being specific
about what was done or said (the observation), we share the feelings
that were stirred in us, and identify those needs that were met.
For example: When you arrive at the kindergarten whenever it
snows and shovel a path for the children and families
(observation), I feel relieved and grateful (feelings), because it
meets my need for support and consideration (needs). Thank
you!
Rather than the positive evaluationYoure so thoughtfulwe
say what they did or said. We give them useful information. Through
this practice, we come to recognize the many and various ways that we
contribute to each others lives. We also come to realize the power of
the smallest deeds. When we receive such a gratitude we know exactly
what we said or did that worked for the other person, and we tend to
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PRACTICAL SUPPORT
PARTICIPATORY CONSCIOUSNESS:
FOSTERING UNDERSTANDING & PARTNERSHIP
Self-Empathy
Compassionate Communication begins with self-empathy, when
we self-connect. Whenever a feeling arises, we can ask ourselves
these two questions: What am I feeling? What am I needing?
OBSERVATIONS
FEELINGS
Geography of Presence
Where is our presence in the moment? Is it in our thoughts, or in
our perceptions? In Compassionate Communication, there is a
geography of presence. When we give ourselves self-empathy, our
presence is here with ourselves. When we meet another person and
give them empathy, our presence is over there. This is the geography
of presence.
Our work in groups can foster deeper connections when we
consciously choose where we are giving our presence. When we are
able, as a community, to give our undivided presence to the speaker
until they have been understood, healing, simplicity, connection and
efficiency will follow. When the speaker is complete, we can move our
presence either to ourselves or another.
Requests
For requests to be effective, they need to be concrete, presently
doable, and framed in positive language. When we think about making
a request, we usually think of requesting an action that would meet
our needs. However, there are two helping requests that are very
useful in serving the intention to connect.
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NEEDS
REQUESTS
The social aspect of the spiritual life demands that I open myself
to the other, invite him to express himself in me. In this way I am
able to experience his questions of inner development as my own.
Dieter Brll, The Mysteries of Social Encounters
Adventurous
Curious
Affectionate Delighted
Alive
Determined
Amazed
Eager
Amused
Ecstatic
Astonished Encouraged
Calm
Excited
Confident
Fascinated
Content
Friendly
Giddy
Glad
Grateful
Happy
Hopeful
Inspired
Intrigued
Invigorated
Joyful
Loving
Moved
Overjoyed
Peaceful
Pleased
Proud
Refreshed
Relaxed
Relieved
Satisfied
Stimulated
Surprised
Thankful
Thrilled
Touched
Tranquil
Trusting
Upbeat
FEAR &
ANXIETY
ANGER &
FRUSTRATION
SADNESS &
GRIEF
Afraid
Alarmed
Anxious
Apprehensive
Bewildered
Cautious
Concerned
Confused
Disconcerted
Disturbed
Dubious
Embarrassed
Impatient
Jittery
Nervous
Overwhelmed
Panicky
Perplexed
Puzzled
Reluctant
Restless
Scared
Shocked
Stressed
Terrified
Worried
Aggravated
Agitated
Angry
Annoyed
Appalled
Cranky
Disgusted
Exasperated
Frustrated
Furious
Impatient
Indignant
Infuriated
Irritated
Resentful
Upset
Bored
Depressed
Disappointed
Discouraged
Disheartened
Dismayed
Despairing
Exhausted
Helpless
Hopeless
Hurt
Lonely
Melancholic
Sad
Tired
Troubled
FAUX FEELINGS
Abandoned
Abused
Attacked
Betrayed
Bullied
Cheated
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Interpretations
masquerading as feelings
Ignored
Neglected
Intimidated
Put Upon
Invisible
Rejected
Let Down
Rushed
Manipulated Unappreciated
Misunderstood
Used
SUBSISTENCE
Clean Air & Water
Food
Rest
Shelter
PROTECTION/SECURITY
Fairness
Honesty
Justice
Honoring Agreements
Nurturing
Openness
Order
Safety
Stability
Trust
PARTICIPATION
Accomplishment
Action
Belonging
Capacity
Community
Competence
Connection
Dependability
Encouragement
Harmony
Mutuality
Opportunities to Help Others
Power Within Ones World
Recognition
Respect
Support
To Enrich Life
To Serve Life
CREATION
Creativity
Expression
Inspiration
AFFECTION
Companionship
Intimacy
Kindness
To Matter to Someone
IDENTITY/MEANING
Acknowledgement
Appreciation
Challenges
Clarity
Integrity
Learning New Skills
Privacy
Self-Development
Shared Reality
To Be Seen For Ones Striving
To Be Seen For Ones Intentions
To Be Someone
To Make Sense of Ones World
LEISURE
Celebration
Comfort & Ease
Play & Fun
Recreation
FREEDOM
Autonomy
Choices
To Speak Ones Mind
UNDERSTANDING
Consideration
Empathy
Peace of Mind
To Be Heard
TRANSCENDENCE
Beauty
Love
Peace
Rhythm
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