PSYC 150 Notes

01/16/2014

I. The Sacred RomanceLover of our Soul PS. 103

II. Love and Marriage Genesis 2:18-25; SOS; Matt 19; 1 Cor 13; Eph
5:21; I Peter 3:1-10
III. The Family Deut. 6:6-9, Psalm 127; 1 Tim. 5:8
Relationships are Everything
Attachment Theory: Theory of Relationships and a Theory of
Emotion
The Big 5 Attachment Theory Factors
o Seeks closeness in times of trouble
o Safe Haven
o Exploration
o Separation causes Anxiety/Anger
o Loss causes Grief
Core Relationship Questions
Fundamental Questions that are always asked in any relationship:
o Are you there for me?
Relationship Styles: Avoidant Attatchment

Self Diminish
o Im worthy of love (false pride)

o Im capable of getting the love I want and need (false sense

of mastery)
Other Dimension
o Others are incompetent
o Others are untrustworthy
Secure Base: Mother for child
When Babys feel secure, that activates exploration.
At about 4-5 years of age, a baby develops the ability to internalize
their understanding of their secure base.

Self-Confidence/Exploration

Feel Secure

Secure Base

Perceived Threat

Caregivers signal detection

Proximity Seeking

Signaling

Core Beliefs

Self

Am I worthy?
Am I capable?
Am I willing?

Others

Are you trustworthy?

Are you accessible?
Are you capable?
Are you willing?

Secure Attachment

Balance
Flexible

Ambivalent Attachment
Chaotic/ Flooded
If I find that one person,
they can save me.

Avoidant Attachment

Rigid

Fearful Attachment
Unpredictable:
Rigid/Chaotic

Dependency Development: The Pathways to Ambivalent Attachment

I. The emotionally immature parent/cold-shoulder/unpredictable/ out
of control
o If you arent dating, there is no attachment pressure. Once
you are dating, there is a growth of attachment. Before, its
no big deal if you are late. Afterwards, it is an exceptionally
big deal.
II. Chaotic Family
o People always fighting
III. Addicted families and codependency
IV. Role-reversal
V. Overprotection- helicopter parent
VI.Overindulging Parent

I. The Anxious Dependent

o Approval Addiction
o Love Addiction
o Fear of Rejection
The Melodramatic

Made to love and be loved

Being rejected can stir up emotion like crazy.
Secure: Im ok, youre ok
Avoidant Im ok, youre not ok
Ambivalent: Im not ok, you are ok
Disorganized: Im not ok, youre not ok
Avoidant Attachment
Self Dimension
Im worthy of love (false pride)
Im capable of getting love I want and need (false sense of mastery)

Other Dimension
Others are incompetent
Others are untrustworthy
All started as a baby

Ambivalent Attachment
Self Dimension
I am not worthy of love (I feel flawed)
Im not able to get the love I need without being angry or clingy
Other Dimension
Capable but unwilling (because of my flaws)
May abandon me (because of my flaws)

Disorganized Attachment
Self Dimension
Im not worthy if love
Im unable to get the love I need
Other Dimension
Others are willing
Others are unable
Others are abusive; I deserve it
Secure Attachment
Self Dimension
Im worthy of love
Im capable of getting the love I need
Other Dimension
Others are willing and able to love me
I can count on you to be there for me

The hallmark of an intimate relationship is when someone will choose

you over everyone and everything else. You choose each other above every
other earthly thing. Nothing competes for your affection! If anything does,
get rid of it. Nothing should feel like it is competing.

96 year old man wrote a song for his wife. Wife had passed away. O
Sweet Laurain
Get the relationship piece right and you will be blessed. Get it wrong
and you will be hurt.
You can be loving someone with everything you got, and they dont
know it.

How couples lose and win at love

The most important decision

Love on the Rocks

Introduction
o Dilemma
An Issue of Two Rights
o Danger: Action oriented techniques

o Duty: Emphasize hurt without accusation

Movement is toward relational
Awareness: Seeing Differently
o Everyday Pressures that Tear at Love (Money is #1 problem)
Stress
Satanic Assault
Scripts from our Past
Supposed to Bes
Sin
Speed
o Awareness Seeing Differently
The Path of Disaffection
Distancing
Gottmans 4 Horses
o Criticism
o Contempt
o Defensiveness
o Stonewalling
Creation of a Vacuum
Self Medication
o Awareness Seeing Differently

The Cycle of Disaffection

Empty, Exhausted and expecting
o Safety
Judicious editingReducing the negative
Encourage soft love
Facilitate positive communication and problem solving
Challenge personal growth and development
o Forgiveness and grace
An Act and Process
You cant heal what you cant feel
Honestly talk about hurts
Giving and receiving
Honor, trust, and respectExercises that afford
mutually enjoyable experiences(1 Pet 3:7)
It takes 5-20 positives to counteract one negative comment

Boundaries define us. Boundaries define what is me and what is not

me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading
me to a sense of ownership
Knowing what I am responsible for gives me freedom
Taking ownership of my life opens up many different options

Responsibilities

We are responsible to others and for ourselves (burdens/ daily

loads) Gal 6:2 & 5
The Greek word for burden means excess burdens, like a huge
boulder.
In contrast, the Greek word for load means cargo, like a knapsack
(daily loads).
Problems arise when people act like their knapsack is a boulder and
vice versa.
Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Matthew 7:6
Guard our treasures..
Boundaries are not walls

Responsibilities
We are responsible to others and for ourselves (burdens/ daily
loads) Gal 6:2 & 5
The Greek word for burden means excess burdens, like a huge
boulder.
In contrast, the Greek word for load means cargo, like a knapsack
(daily loads).
Problems arise when people act like their knapsack is a boulder and
vice versa.
Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Matthew 7:6
Guard our treasures..
Boundaries are not walls

Examples of Boundaries
Skin
o Lets the good in and keeps the bad out
o Physical/Sexual abuse is a violation of this boundary
Words

o Be clear about your no

A confrontational word
The word sets a limit
o Be clear about your yes.
o Example: Ask to a social event
Truth
o There is safety in truth. Who told you that you can sing?
o Honesty about who you are gives you the biblical value of
integrity (pg. 37)
o Embrace the reality of who you are dont distort it. This is a
challenge in todays societyWhy?
Geographical distance
o Physical separation can be helpful
o Examples: Leaving home; leaving an abusive situation
Time
o Assists in regaining control in ones life
o Time allows you to develop your own boundaries. Why do
you believe what you believe?
Emotional distance
o Gives your heart a chance to be safe
o This is not a permanent solution It is temporary
Other People (caution What is their attachment style and how is
influencing the support they provide?)
o Support from others can help an individual set appropriate
boundaries.
o Others can assist by:

Helping individuals meet a basic need for relationships

Provide input and teaching
o The support of others can also remind a person of the
importance of forgiveness
Consequences
o Boundaries should provide consequences. If another person
violates your boundaries, he/she should experience
consequences for their actions.
o Can you think of a time when someone you know did not
experience a consequence for violating another persons
boundaries.
o Inbounds
Feelings
o Do you trust your feelings
o
Attitudes and beliefs
o This identifies your orientation to something
o Each person needs to own their attitudes & convictions
Behaviors (Gal. 6:7-8)
o Reaping and sowing
o Enabling behaviors violate boundaries
Choices (Gal 5:23)
o Take responsibility for our choices. It is easier to blame other
for our poor choices.
o We have power/control over our choices, but not the
consequences of our choices. We are powerless over
consequences
Value
o What do you value? Is it what OTHERS value?

Limits
o You cannot change other peoples behavior by setting limits.
However, you can limit your exposure to those people by
practicing good boundaries.
o We can set internal limits and feel/respond without acting out.
Talents
o Investing or worrying?
o Spiritual Girt(s)? Atlanta story.
Thoughts
o We must own our own thoughts
o We must grow in our knowledge and expand our minds
o We must clarify distorted thinking
In intense situations emotions will not respond to a
half-prepared conscience (thoughts).
Take a log out of your eye
Communicate your thoughts no one can read your
mind! This can present itself when two people think
they know each other.
Desires
o What are your wants, dreams, wishes , goals, ect.
o Who is the real me?
o We must be proactive in seeking our desires. It takes hard
work
Love
o Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift
o Hurt and fear can get in the way of love
o Our heart needs an inflow as well as an outflow of lifeblood.

o The heart is a trust muscle it needs exercise.

1. Sowing and Reaping
Also called the law of cause and effect. Not punishment from God
(Effect=Sin?). Natural relationships between actions and
consequences.
o Ex: smoker developing smokers hack or lung cancer.
o Can be interrupted by codependent/ enabling.
Ex: Your mother pays your credit card bills.
Codependent parents cosign the note of life for the
irresponsible person.
2. Responsibility
Involves taking responsibility for ones own life.
Unbiblical views of responsibility:
o Responsibility is self centered
o Actually becomes self-centered or selfishMisunderstanding
of this law.
o Feeling guilty when doing someone a favorThey need to
learn and maybe I shouldnt help.
The Law of Responsibility includes loving others.
We are to love one another, not be one another. I cant
do/be/feel/think for you (older siblings).
One must set limits on anothers destructive and irresponsible
behaviorIt is their behavior. Dont rescue someone from their
consequencesit will start a cycle.
3. Power
We are all in a state of powerlessness (1 Jn. 1:8).
Although we are in that state, we do have the power to do things
that will help us overcome problems:
o We have the power to agree with the truth about problems.
o We have the power to submit our inability to God.
o We have the power to search and ask God and others to
reveal more and more about what is within our boundaries.

4.

5.

o We have the power to turn from the evil we find within

ourselves.
o We have the power to humble ourselves and ask God and
other to help us with our developmental injuries and leftover
childhood needs.
o We have the power to seek out those we have injured and
make amends.
Respect
We fear they will not respect our boundaries.
We focus on others and lose clarity about ourselves
We can judge others boundaries as we think we know what is in
their best intrest. We will be judged by how we judge. Matt 7:1-2
o Ex: What do you mean no? I just need the money for a little
while.
We need to respect the boundaries of others in order to command
respect of our own boundaries.
When we accept others freedom, we feel good about our own
freedom.
Motivation
False motives keep us from setting boundaries.
Examples of false motives:
o Fear of loss of love or abandonment.
o Fear of others anger
o Fear of lonleness
o Fear of losing the good me inside.
o Giving an attempt to feel less guilty about past issues.
o Payback for past guilt laced giving from others.
o Approvalstill seeking parental approval. (well-pleased)
Princess Bride. My name is inigo Montoya, you
o Over-identification with the others loss. When they say no
they feel the pain/disappointment in the other person so they
comply.

6. Evaluation
You need to evaluate the effects of setting boundaries, but that
does not mean you should avoid setting boundaries (p. 96) Hurt
vs. Harm
To have boundaries to live a purposeful life
Narrow gate vs. the broad gate (boundaries v. lack of boundaries)
We need to evaluate the pain cause by setting boundaries and
empathize with itHurt, not harm

7. Proactivity
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Reaction phrases are necessity but not sufficient for the
establishment of boundaries.
AbuseExcuses.Enabling. Victim or survivor
The reactive stance brings diminishing returns. LIMITS.
Proactive people show what they love, want, and stand for; reactive
people show what the hate, dont like, and what they cant stand
against.
Proactive people do not demand rights, the live with them.
Be assertive and proactive.
8. Envy
Envy is probably the most basic emotion we have. We want what
we do not have.
Envy defines good as what I do not possess and hates the good
it has.
Envy focuses outside our boundaries onto others.
Envy is a self-perpetuating cycle.
o Ex: Single womans withdraws from social life, envying the
marriages and families of others.
o A person who has chosen the righteous life but envies those
who are having all the fun.
Envy should be a sign that you are lacking something.
9. Activity
Human beings are responders and initiators
In the parable of the talents, the successful servants initiated and
pushed
Passivity can become and ally of evil by not pushing against it.
Example. Bird hatching from an egg.