How to read this book
1) Have a deep desire to learn.
Repeat: “My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend
to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.”
2) Reread each chapter.
3) Stop frequently and ask yourself how you can
apply each suggestion.
4) Read with a pencil in hand.
5) Review each month.
6) Apply these suggestions as often as possible.
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1) Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
No one, even hardened criminals, blames himself. If you must,
write criticism but don’t mail it. “Do you know someone you
would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is
fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a
purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to
improve others—yes, and a lot less dangerous. ‘Don’t complain
about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,’ said Confucius, ‘when
your own doorstep is unclean.’” Give second chances.
2) Give sincere and honest appreciation.
Everyone wants to feel important. When we are not engaged in
thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95
percent of our time thinking about ourselves. If we stop thinking
about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s
How to… …Make People Like You
1) Become genuinely interested in other people.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested
in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other
people interested in you. Alfred Adler: “It is the individual who is
not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in
life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among
such individuals that all human failures spring.”
2) Smile!
Like a dog, show that you are happy to see people. An insincere
grin is mechanical and we resent it. Smile even when talking on
the phone. William James: “The sovereign voluntary path to
cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and
to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there.” [67] Elbert
Hubbard: “Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry
the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink
in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into
every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not
waste a minute thinking about your enemies.”
3) Remember that a person’s name is to that person
the sweetest sound in any language.
Napoleon’s advice on remembering names: If he didn’t get the
name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.”
Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it
spelled?” During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the
7) With a friend, make a lively game out of
mastering these rules.
8) Check up each week on your progress.
“For years I have kept an engagement book showing all the
appointments I had during the day. My family never made any
plans for me on Saturday night, for the family knew that I devoted
a part of each Saturday evening to the illumination process of self-
examination and review. After dinner I went off by myself, opened
my engagement book, and thought over all the interviews,
discussions and meetings that had taken place during the week...”
9) Keep notes about how you have applied these tips.
good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery. “I shall pass this
way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness
that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not
defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” Emerson:
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way.”
3) Arouse in the other person an eager want.
It is necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish, not the fisherman.
Why talk about what you want? That is childish. Absurd. Of
course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally
interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you:
we are interested in what we want. Henry Ford: “If there is any one
secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point
of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from
your own.”
name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the
person’s features, expression and general appearance.
4) Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about
themselves.
Charles W. Elliot: Nothing is so flattering as exclusive attention to
the person who is speaking to you. Ask questions that the other
person will enjoy answering. A friend often doesn’t want advice,
but just a friendly, sympathetic listener.
5) Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night
before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was
particularly interested. Man visits and talks to a boy about boats,
but his mother says that he wasn’t really interested in boats: “He is
a gentleman. He saw you were interested in boats, and he talked
about the things he knew would interest and please you. He made
himself agreeable.”
6) Make the other person feel important—and do it
sincerely.
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. All the time.
Everywhere. Emerson: “Every man I meet is my superior in some
way. In that, I learn of him.” Employer wanted to keep a key
employee: told her how important she was to the company in front
of the entire staff and later in front of the boss’s family.
 …Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1) You can’t win an argument.
Welcome disagreement. Don’t get angry or defensive. Look for
areas of agreement. Listen carefully and admit error.
2) Show respect for the other person’s opinions.
Never say, “You’re wrong.”
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we
are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and
even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not
if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our
esophagus. Say, e.g., “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s
examine the facts.” Try to understand what the other person
means by what they are saying instead of immediately judging
it. Be like Ben Franklin and don’t say “certainly”,
“undoubtedly”, etc. Instead say “I conceive” or “I imagine”.
3) When wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other
person is thinking or wants to say—and say them before that
person has a chance to. The chances are a hundred to one that a
generous, forgiving attitude will be taken. It can be satisfying to
have the courage to admit one’s errors.
4) Begin in a friendly way.
5) Get the other person saying “yes, yes”.
Come up with two questions that you can ask that the other
person will answer yes to. This is sort of a Socratic method of
convincing someone.
6) Let the other person do lots of the talking.
7) Let the other person feel ownership of the idea.
…Be a Leader
1) Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
If you must find fault, start with something nice. A barber lathers
a man before he shaves him.
2) Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Instead of “<praise>, but <criticism>”, use and if it makes the
praise seem more sincere. If someone isn’t doing something that
you wish they were, do it yourself once. A man carefully
polished a sermon and showed it to his wife. Instead of talking
about its many faults, she said she thought it would be a great
article for some journal.
3) Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing.
A father who smokes talks to his son, who has recently started,
about how bad smoking has been for the father instead of
criticizing the son.
4) Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Owen D. Young always gave people the opportunity to do things
themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them
do them, let them learn from their mistakes. That lets a person
save face and encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
Asking questions stimulates the creativity of the persons whom
you ask.
Ask buyers for their input/feedback. Colonel House influenced
Woodrow Wilson by planting an idea in his head and then
allowing Wilson to think about it and later, explain it to others as
Wilson’s own idea. House even gave Wilson public credit.
8) Try honestly to see things from the other
person’s point of view.
Ask yourself why someone else would want to do something.
9) Be sympathetic towards the other person’s ideas
and desires.
The magic words: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you
do. If I were you I’d undoubtedly feel the same.” And mean it!
10) Appeal to the nobler motives.
J.P. Morgan says that a person usually has two motives for doing
a thing: one that sounds good and the real one. Appeal to the
idealistic one. A certain Mr. Thomas says: if you have no other
evidence, assume that a customer is honest, truthful, and willing
to pay the charges if they are convinced that they are correct.
Even those who aren’t naturally honest will often react well if
you show that you consider them to be honest and fair.
11) Dramatize your ideas.
Be a showman. TV ads always dramatize ideas, and you can too.
Don’t just talk, show. Use interesting visual aids. Be creative.
12) Throw down a challenge.
People love the work they are doing, and being great at it.
Charles Schwab: “The way to get things done is to stimulate
competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but
in the desire to excel.”
5) Let the other person save face.
A few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, or a genuine
understanding of the other person’s attitude can go a long way to
alleviating the sting of criticism. Antoine de Saint-Exupery: “I
have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his
own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he
things of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
6) Praise every improvement, no matter how slight.
7) Give the person a fine reputation to live up to.
Shakespeare: “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” Assume and
state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to
develop. Tell someone they pay attention to detail, or have an
open mind, and maybe they will.
8) Make a fault seem easy to correct.
Tell someone that he is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no
gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed
almost every incentive to try to improve.
9) Make the other person happy about doing what
you suggest.
Be sincere and empathetic. Consider the benefits to the other
person. Won’t always help, but it will increase the odds.