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CONTROLLING ANGER
Index
What is it like to be angry? ...................... 3
Understanding anger and its causes ..... 5
Controlling anger ................................. 10
1. Angry thoughts ............................ 10
2. Controlling the physical symptoms of
anger .......................................... 17
3. Controlling angry behaviours ....... 18
4. Stressful lifestyle .......................... 22
5. Communication ............................ 22
6. Long term beliefs ......................... 23
Where can I get help? ........................... 24
What is anger?
What causes anger?
Controlling Anger
1
2
3
4
5
6
Angry thoughts
Physical symptoms of anger
Angry behaviour
Stressful lifestyle general tips
Communication
Long term beliefs
What you do
Snappy and irritable behaviour
Shout and argue
Hit out
Leave the situation
Throw/hit an object, slam door, etc
Attack someone
Say something unkind
Cry
Push someone
Do nothing, bottle it up
Get drunk/smoke/take drugs
Hurt yourself
If you are regularly experiencing some or all of these signs then you
may have a difficulty with anger control. The following sections may
help you to tackle this problem.
1. What is anger?
Often when we are angry, the main thing that we are aware of is our
angry mood. Our mood can vary in strength from a mild irritation to a
white-hot rage. When it reaches its strongest, it is unlikely that we
will be aware of much else. However, when we look for causes of
our anger, we most often direct our attention outwards, to events or
people in our immediate world or surroundings. For instance, the
lazy motorist holding up traffic in the first example at the beginning of
this leaflet, the careless children in the second, or the rude behaviour
of the people in the shop.
The psychological explanation of anger recognises that our mood is a
key part of the anger, but it is not the only part. In order to
understand the causes of anger better, we need to look at the other
parts in a systematic way, and to see how they fit together and
influence each other. It is helpful to separate the personal aspects of
anger into our mood, thoughts, bodily reactions and impulsive
behaviour. The other part we need to consider is the outside world
or our surroundings. We need to look at how changes in this affect
us, and how we in turn may make changes in our behaviour that
affect our environment. The following may help to make sense of
this.
Outside world background stresses
Mood
Irritable/angry/
enraged
Inside
In summary
Anger affects the way we feel, think and behave. It causes a
number of symptoms in our body. It can be caused by our reactions
to things happening around us or by our own thoughts and
worries. We may be more likely to be angry by nature or may never
have learned to control our anger and express our feelings more
helpfully.
Controlling anger
1. Angry Thoughts
We have seen that thoughts can make us feel angry, but often people
who have a problem with anger do not notice these angry thoughts.
It is important in trying to gain control over anger that we begin to
recognise and challenge those thoughts.
'Hot' thoughts
'Hot' thoughts are angry thoughts that flash into your mind and make
you feel worse. People tend to have similar thoughts happening
again and again, for example:
"He is so stupid"
"Youre making a fool of me"
"Youre selfish"
"I want to hurt you"
"I hate this place"
Do you have similar angry thoughts?
Jot them down
10
11
12
13
Balanced thoughts
He is looking over here but I
don't know what he is really
thinking
Write down some of your thoughts now and write as many answers
or balanced thoughts as you can. The aim is to get faster at catching
these 'hot' thoughts when they come into your head and answering
back straight away. It takes a lot of practice but really does work.
Angry thoughts
Balanced thoughts
14
15
In summary
We need to look carefully at the angry 'hot' thoughts we have and
try to see if we are making errors in the way we view situations. It
can help to try and have more balanced thoughts. We also need to
examine long held beliefs about our anger and challenge those,
which are unhelpful. Remember, logic can defeat anger!
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17
18
Before my
anger
Monday 12th
May
Partner asked
me to let her
know what time
I would be in
Tuesday 13th
May
At work
someone said
our section had
less to do than
theirs.
Initial
thoughts and
feelings
Angry feelings.
Thought, "she
doesn't trust
me".
Behaviour
Felt angry.
Thought "who
does he think
he is, what
does he
know?"
Shouted "shut
your face" and
walked off.
Stormed out
and slammed
door.
What
happened
afterwards
She wouldn't
speak to me for
the rest of the
day.
Everyone
staring at me
people looking
later in the
canteen as I
pass by.
It is clear from his notes collected over the week that Alex deals with
conflict and angry thoughts and feelings by angry behaviours and
leaving the situation.
Stage 2
Make a list of all the other things you can do instead of behaving
angrily. When you have done this choose the best new approach(es)
to try in difficult situations. Here is Alexs list as an example.
1
Excuse myself and leave the situation for a minute, Ill be back
in a minute, return when calmer.
2
Take a deep breath and relax self for a second.
3
Ask the other person to let me know why they have said
something, try and understand them. Ask, Why do you want
me to let you know when Ill be in? Why do you say our section
is doing less?
4
Ask the other person to sit down and talk about it. Say, "Lets
get a cup of tea and talk about it ..."
Alex decided to try and use numbers 2 and 3 to tackle the difficult
situations.
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YOUR LIST
Before my
anger
Initial
thoughts and
feelings
Behaviour
What
happened
afterwards
Stage 3
Try to adopt the new behaviour in situations where you feel angry.
Keep a diary of how it went. This is Alexs diary of this stage:
Before my
anger
Initial
thoughts and
feelings
Monday 23rd Angry feelings.
June
Thought "she
Partner asked knows I
me to help out always meet
with the
the lads on
shopping on
Thursday
Thursday.
nights. She is
trying to
control me."
20
As you can see, for Alex this new behaviour helped to avoid an
argument, which is what would usually have happened.
Helpful ideas for changing angry behaviours can be:
Use a quick relaxation and/or breathing exercise.
Timing if you tend to get angry at certain times when you talk to
someone, for example at night, try and talk to them calmly at
different times of the day.
If particular things make you angry it may be you can avoid them,
for example dont travel to the shops when you know youll get
stuck in traffic for ages. If you hate to sit in when your partner
watches sport, plan something else at that time. If you hate his
friend dont be around when the friend is there.
Count to ten before responding.
Go for a quick walk.
Ask yourself at the time "Why is this making me angry?"
Ask yourself at this time, "Is this worth getting angry about?"
Use calming self-statements in your head, for example "calm
down", "getting mad wont help", "just forget it".
In summary
In order to control angry behaviours you need to:
Know what your angry behaviours are.
Think about how else you could behave.
Try out these new behaviours.
21
5. Communication
We have learned in the section of this book on thinking errors that
angry people tend to take things personally and will often jump to
conclusions. It is therefore important to try and improve
communication skills so that misunderstandings that lead to anger
are less likely to happen. Here are a few tips on improving
communication skills.
Slow down and listen to the other person dont rush in and say
the first thing that comes to mind.
Dont jump to conclusions about what the other person is saying
or thinking; ask them to tell you more about what they are trying to
say. Dont try to mind-read.
If someone is sounding defensive or critical, dont immediately fight
back. Try and understand the feelings behind what is being said.
It may be that the person feels afraid, hurt or unloved. If you can,
keep calm and try to find out more about how the other is feeling.
Then a row or fight can be avoided.
Try and express or talk about what your feelings really are,
rather than going into angry words. Most often what is behind
anger is fear, hurt or frustration. Of course, first you need to try
and be clear in your own mind why you feel angry.
22
In summary
How can I help myself overcome anger and aggression?
Recognise your angry thoughts and begin to challenge them
Challenge any unhelpful thoughts or beliefs that dont allow you to
let go of anger
Use relaxation and other ways to control the physical symptoms
of anger
Understand and control angry behaviour, try new calmer actions
Improve communication and problem solving skills
Do not allow yourself to continue with long term critical beliefs
about yourself
23
24
Books
Davies, William (2000) Overcoming Irritability and Anger Constable
& Robinson ISBN: 1854875957 (Positive approach towards the
goal of lasting good temper.)
Garber, Kathy S (2002) Stop Anger, Be Happy Trafford
ISBN: 155395095 (Don't be put off by the title. This book gives
thorough guidance for managing your anger.)
Lindenfield, Gael (2000) Managing Anger Thorsons Publishers
ISBN: 0007100345 (Suggests ways of dealing with our own anger
and that of others.)
Helplines
Borderline local mental health helpline offering emotional support
(Mon-Fri 7-10pm; Sat & Sun 6-10pm)
Tel: 0800 83 85 87
25
Notes
26
breathe out
STEP 2:
STEP 3:
STEP 4:
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Acknowledgement to Newcastle, North Tyneside and Northumberland Mental Health NHS Trust
Developed with assistance from: The National Programme
for Improving Mental Health and Well Being
www.wellontheweb.net
SH1.3
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