Why Dont We Ask?

- How We Stop Our Own Progression

Why Dont We Ask?

- How We Stop Our Own Progression

WHY DONT WE ASK?

Dr Ranjit Manghnani M.Ed, M.St (Cantab), D.Prof September 2016

Those who dont ask - dont want.

Those who do ask - progress.

Why Don't We Ask?

Ranjit Manghnani (2016) Guru Leadership & Coaching. Not to be sold or published without authors
permission.

Why Dont We Ask? - How We Stop Our Own Progression

I always remember my mother telling

me,

he remembered what I had said during

the course - ask and you will get it. He
still hesitated but from the

"If you don't ask you don't get".

So why don't we ask?
Many people feel that asking shows
sign of weakness and could place them
in a position of the beholden. Other
reasons could be fear of rejection,
ridicule, embarrassment or to avoid
conflict/confrontation or self-limiting
beliefs, culture or customs, etc. The
reasons for not asking are numerous.
We believe that we have reasons not to
ask and we are prepared to justify it to
ourselves and others. As we grow older
we become more cynical and feel that
asking is not the way because it
demonstrates a lack of confidence and
inferiority.
I reiterated the importance of asking
on a recent training programme. A few
months later one of the delegates, a
police officer, was undertaking a project
on behalf of the Police Service to collect
data on all of the Black and Minority
Ethnic (BME) officers in England and
Wales. He wanted to send out a
questionnaire on their career ambitions
and the support they were getting from
the police service. Unfortunately, he
discovered that despite his numerous
attempts, a Police Forces HR
department was reluctant to provide
the information. The Police Force gave
data protection as the reason for not
providing the information on the BME
police officers. The exclusion of this
data would have meant that the whole
project would have to be abandoned.
The frustration was enormous, however
on a particular morning whilst having
breakfast in a police canteen, the police
officer undertaking the project found
the Chief Officer of that Police Force
having his breakfast with another Chief
Officer. The police officer thought he
could just go ahead and ask the Chief
Officer, however he was reluctant as he
felt it would seem inappropriate. Then

corner of his eye he could see the Chief

Officer just about to leave the table.
The police officer decided it was now or
never, so he got up and went to the
Chief officer and introduced himself. He
said he admired his leadership on
equality and fairness, however he was
finding it difficult to get any information
back from the Police Force for the BME
project. The Chief Officer was
surprised, and he offered the police
officer his business card with his mobile
number. The Chief Officer suggested
that he contact the HR department
again and ask for the information and
that he should indicate that he had
spoken with him. The Chief Officer also
suggested that if he did not receive a
response within three days, he could
ring him on his mobile. The police
officer did what was suggested by the
Chief Officer and to his amazement,
within 3 hours the Police Force provided
him with the relevant information for its
officers. This allowed for the
completion of the important project.
How often in our life do we hesitate to
ask and miss key opportunities for
progress on our journey?
Conversely, many defining moments in
our life come at a juncture when we
happened to ask.
The fascinating thing is, the person who
is the giver is often waiting to give,
however it appears to them that very
few ask them.
Over the years I have noticed that my
grandchildren seem to ask their parents
what they want or would like for their
Birthday or Christmas. In spite of the
fact that like many parents today, their
parents have a limited budget, I am

Ranjit Manghnani (2016) Guru Leadership & Coaching. Not to be sold or published without authors
permission.

Why Dont We Ask? - How We Stop Our Own Progression

amazed how my grandchildren seem to

get most of the things they have asked
for?
Whatever may be the reason,
successful people seem to be the ones
who are prepared to ask.
How many times have opportunities
slipped by because one has not asked?
"Can I do it?
One of my friends asked the Prison
Governor whether she could cover for
his secretary whist she was on longterm sickness. During the few months,
the Governor was so impressed with her
performance that she was promoted
from typist to secretary. Now, 16 years
later she is the Head of Corporate
Services and a member of the
Management Team. Had she not asked
to cover the post, then it is quite
possible that the boss would not have
recognised her skills and commitment.
There are 5 key points necessary
for the process of Asking
1. Why do you want to Ask?
2. What to Ask?
3. How to Ask?
4. When to Ask?
5. Whom to Ask?
1. Why do you want to Ask?
This is the first step in Asking and it is
critical to know why you want to ask.
You need to know your motives, is it
more money, power, status, own ego,
altruism or something else? This is
critical as it will be your driving factor. I
call it the intangible driver, where
others may not be able to see and only
you know it. Taking time out to find
your authentic intangible driver will
help you to move into the next stage.

So why is it that one is not clear in

Why they want to ask? In my view
there are numerous reasons. Can it be
that the individual is not aware of what
they really want? Or because others
have it then it must be good for me to
have it too. So one is actually asking to
follow another person. This does not
work, one must remember, what may
be deemed right for another may not
be necessarily right for you. So spend
more time and understand what you
are asking, by teasing out the answer to
the question, that is
Why are you asking in the first place?
Unless you are able to answer this
question with authenticity and integrity
to your own self, your chance of getting
it will be very little.
Some of the Why questions for your
career progression that could help you
to elicit your intangible driver:
Career development
I want to
move up the
ladder.
Job satisfaction
I can improve this
job.
Job success
I can make this job
more efficient.
Role development I can make the job
more satisfying.
2. What to Ask?
This is the second step and is linked to
your Why. Unless you know what to
ask, when the opportunity arises you
risk giving out mixed messages. For
example, if you want to turn right then
you must signal right. How often have I
met individuals who want to turn right
but signal left and wonder why theres
an accident or things didnt work out?
You need to be sighted of your motives
i.e. for more money, power, status, ego,
altruism, or something else and find
where is it hiding? You need to define
this for yourself?

Ranjit Manghnani (2016) Guru Leadership & Coaching. Not to be sold or published without authors
permission.

Why Dont We Ask? - How We Stop Our Own Progression

Your Why should help you in defining

What you want to ask, so for example
in the above illustration you could add
to the depth of the Why question and
explain What is your intention?
3. How to Ask?
One should use language, which is
appropriate, polite and professional.
Most of all it needs to be succinct and is
clear in How you are asking. You
should be paraphrasing your Why and
What in your How; of asking. This will
then help the responder to give clarity
in their response i.e. whether it is
possible or not, or propose an
alternative solution, which the
individual may not have thought about.
It is always polite to follow up by
sending an acknowledgement of
thanks.
It's true we don't always get what we
ask for and sometimes we ask for
things, which are not always in the
control of others to give us. So we need
to make our asking realistic. One must
be gracious if we are rejected.
Unfortunately, we often put up barriers
beforehand to protect ourselves from
rejection and can become defensive.
Sometimes the simplest thing can be
granted if we just ask. For example,
recently when staying at a hotel on
business, my colleague wanted to dine
in a different restaurant near the hotel.
I said we could not as our meal
allowance was for the hotel we were
booked into.
My colleagues decided to take some of
the advice I had been talking about
during my early lecture on, Why we
don't ask?
He said, I'm going to ask if we can use
our meal allowance in the other
restaurant. My colleague requested
with politeness and guess what, I was

left with egg on my face because they

said,
"Of course Sir".
So even I can feel awkward about
asking!
How to ask is not easy unless you make
it link to your Why and What and
thus make it your purpose for asking.

The following 12 points may help you in

the process of How to Ask:
1. Know your purpose for asking.
2. Ask as if you expect to get it.
3. Ask from your position of
strength.
4. Ask from only those who can give
it to you.
5. Be clear and specific in your
request.
6. Ask with creativity and humour.
7. Ask with sincerity.
8. Be professional when asking.
9. Be prepared to give something in
order to get it.
10.Ask repeatedly.
11.Know when to ask.
12.Be gracious in accepting NO.
Adapted from How to Ask (The Aladdin
Factor by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor
Hansen)
4. When to Ask?
Asking needs to be done at an
appropriate juncture to have maximum
impact and to have a positive outcome.
The key is to keep an eye open and look
for the opportunity when it arises.
Opportunities do not come with a big
placard saying, here is your
opportunity as illustrated in the
following narrative:

Ranjit Manghnani (2016) Guru Leadership & Coaching. Not to be sold or published without authors
permission.

Why Dont We Ask? - How We Stop Our Own Progression

On a busy working morning, people of

this particular Kingdom found a large
rock obstructing the only road to their
work. Most of the people were
understandably, annoyed and some
were very angry, considering that they
had all paid road taxes. They were
unhappy with the Kings cabinet for not
taking appropriate action. People
moaned and groaned about the state of
the Kingdom and complained for
arriving late at work. On the same road
a farmer with a horse and cart also
found the rock obstructing the road.
However, he took a different approach.
Instead of complaining, he tied a rope
to the rock and used his horse to pull
the rock to the side of the road, thus
clearing the route. As he was leaving,
he discovered a note from the King
placed underneath the rock. It read,
whosoever shifts this rock is ordered by
the King to come to His court. The
poor farmer took his horse and cart to
the Kings court as ordered and the King
awarded him with a pot of gold for
genuinely helping his community.
Apparently, the King had placed the
rock as an experiment to see how many
of his people in the Kingdom genuinely
cared for their community without
seeking benefits in return.
So what is the message in the story?
Sometimes an opportunity comes and it
appears to be an obstacle. How many
people go past an opportunity thinking
it is an obstacle, when actually it is a
golden opportunity. You just need to
ask but it does not mean one should
ask because one just feels like asking?
5. Whom to Ask?
Often we ask the wrong person, yet
expect them to take action. It is like
watering one plant but expecting
another plant to flower? Spending time
to find out whom to ask is significant for
the success in getting what you want.

You must ask the person who has the

power, authority or remit to give.
A farmer had a land dispute with a
neighbouring farmer. He was aware
that the City Mayor always held court
on Thursdays. The farmer knew the
Mayor was a fair and reasonable noble
man and would be able to resolve this
dispute with his decision. So on this
particular day, he walked to the Mayors
office. However, he found the big office
gates shut, so he asked the sentry,
I thought the Mayors office opened at
10.00 am.
The Sentry indicated that the Mayors
office was running late because the
Mayor was busy.
The farmer enquired what was keeping
the Mayor busy?
The Sentry said, The Mayor was talking
to the King.
The farmer asked, What is the Mayor
talking to the King about?
The Sentry said that the Mayor was
briefing the King on his Citys good
harvest and support of the people for
the King. The Mayor was also asking
the King for a tax rebate from the Kings
coffers.
The farmer started to walk away from
the gate.
The Sentry called the farmer back and
said, I know you have walked 6 hours
to get here, why dont you wait for few
more minutes. The Mayors office will
open soon and you will be able to put
your case to the Mayor who will speak
to the King. You will then know the
Kings decision and you can return to
your home happy.
The farmer thought about it and said,
What is the point of asking the Mayor,

Ranjit Manghnani (2016) Guru Leadership & Coaching. Not to be sold or published without authors
permission.

Why Dont We Ask? - How We Stop Our Own Progression

it would be better to go directly and ask

the King?
Make your asking a purpose
For example, I advise my clients when
they are to attend a big event or a
conference, which they feel could be
boring and involve just sitting around,
that they should have in their mind a
question to ask in the open forum. It is
incredible how this task can make the
individual pay attention to the key
messages of the presenter. Often other
delegates come out and say that it was
that very question they too wanted to
ask.
A senior female police officer was
expected to attend the morning senior
leadership meetings, which the Chief
Constable insisted should be held at
08.30 am every morning. The senior
female police officer had two school
aged children and was a single mum.
The problem was getting to the meeting
for 08.30 am. The children started
school at 08.45 am. In order not to be
late for her meeting, the senior police
officer had to drop her children to the
bus stop much earlier and this meant
that the children had to wait for 15
minutes before their school bus would
arrive.

He said, "Its not important to have the

meeting precisely at 08.30 am".
He added, "Why didn't you ask me to
change the times of the meeting?
Had my wife not taken the opportunity
in February 1980, a Leap Year to ask
me,
Will you marry me?
Im not sure where I would be today
So only you know your true intangible
driver for asking? Self-awareness and
self-exploration is key to your discovery
of your driver.
One suggestion is to seek help from a
mentor1 or a coach who can help you to
explore your intangible driver and
tease out your Why for asking?
So go ahead and ask!
Remember: Ask and you will get it.

In those days there were no mobile

phones, so the senior police officer
would drop her two children at a local
BT telephone box and would ask them
to stay in the box until the school bus
arrived, pretending to phone someone.
Can you imagine the anxiety and stress
that this mother must have gone
through, not knowing whether her
children went safely to school just so
she was not late for the 08.30 am
meeting?
After nearly three months, the Chief
Constable had a one to one meeting
with the senior female officer and was
horrified to learn about the school
travel arrangements.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr Ranjit Manghnani is the Managing
Director of his company Guru Coaching
and Leadership and an Executive
Coach.
He has coached senior
executives particularly senior police
officers,
both
nationally
and
internationally.
He is a facilitator for Executives and
Senior Leaders team building and
helps in Organisational Development
focusing on cultural change and

A Practitioners Guide to Mentoring May 2016 by Dr

Ranjit Manghnani

Ranjit Manghnani (2016) Guru Leadership & Coaching. Not to be sold or published without authors
permission.

Why Dont We Ask? - How We Stop Our Own Progression

Ranjit Manghnani (2016) Guru Leadership & Coaching. Not to be sold or published without authors
permission.