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    Reinventing your life

    Drepturi de autor:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Descărcați ca PDF sau citiți online pe Scribd
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    6K vizualizări192 pagini

    Reinventing Life

    Încărcat de

    cz sf ana
    Reinventing your life

    Drepturi de autor:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Descărcați ca PDF sau citiți online pe Scribd
    Indicator pentru conținut neadecvat
    din 192
    ® a s Reinventing Your (zz: Life (ooo Derelp Failing Relations: ii Beye raty MURIEL foeize and Tionsior ou Everyday Lite fi] MOA, SUIQUEAWIOY Se Yourself from Anxiety, Fear, and Panic ‘Break the Cycle of Self-Defeatng Behav Cee eel eed SQyercome Felings of Insecurity and Rejoeton Dee aa) feo ‘Are You Caughtin a “Lifetrap"? Are you drawn into relationships with people ‘who are selish or old?” ‘Are you afraid of showing other people who you really are, ecause you think they might reest you? Do you fel inadequate compared to people around you? Do you scsifie relaxation and fan because you're ‘ways trying todo your best? Let oof Americas leading paychologits show you hove to free youre fam these destructive “aera” with exling, breakthrough techniques Rare eres JarrREy E. YOUNG, PHD, is founder and director of the ‘Cognitive Therapy Centers af New York and Fairfield County ‘(Connecticut aswell sa faculty member inthe Department of Pyehiatry at Columbia University. Dr. Youngs an interna onally recognized lecture on cognitive therapy. He lives in Witon, Connecticut. JANET 8. KLosKo, PHLD., commutes between Kingston, New York, where she has a private practice, and Great Neck, New ‘York, whore she is colirector of the Cognitive Therapy Ceater of Lang Island Jerrrey E. Youne, Pu.D., anp Janer S. KiosKo, Pu.D, REINVENTING Your LIFE THE BREAKTHROUGH PROGRAM ‘TO END NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR . . in Aaa) 2 Cary Raa Cantera Vit 24 Pein ks iy Hane On 9S Lande WC2R OR gd reer ee “5 Seger Yemen Rk, @ssarenoresnouns-satcansrmase ace tbh rin eae har and ishyeasenarane [aetna ihr 2 Seemungmen Pty) LR Jat eee eens Seeman anger aaa eee Be aa ores ae Sree ericcreeree Sone reaper eras ‘Pr Many, Eth, ond Homes, oho have ed ‘and upored me eon, erry Yous: For my mater, fate, Mica and Mod who ‘algae me the Sac fo ri hs ook ite Koso eincening Your Life bas special neasig. This bok epresents the ‘ciminaton of years of persoal and profesional roth reach of Ferthisrnon we have many pope hk pat nd present wha hae ‘in same Empertan ay cotta too develpment ‘Wear indebted 9 Dan and Tar Gleman ito whose guides ‘ut, adie, gente preing and of couse ends we would neve hve undrtalas such norrwbsing pot Arte Weatrger oe issues and eomouragament ding any years of develop the Schemavocused mode o Wil Zangvil who in his ahae rt as Seis advcate and erie has pled ut sharpen ad ree ou ea te Davi Bicker, who, hough is invelvenert in ae space paychodarapy, cota ors fesh peepecives to cose, to (Gathy Flag fo br bps runing the Cer, ineligent ca. ‘met and her wart Bil Sanderson, who las played a ingot ‘ola Directo Tang atthe Copnitie Therapy Center of New Yk snd as codec atthe Cguisve Therapy Cerf Lan ane Marty Sane, Ricard Sacket, Jee Ry, and all our other Ende odo eau in New York wh have cnet he developmen this sopra and to cr its Deb Brody ata Alea Dosa 90 Indped give he bak its for ad or, and fo or age Pam Berta, to beled make te took posible SW and Jk vil AcknowLeoamenrs "would eto extend ny pers ha to svelte poole wo have ‘lajed inporant oles fn my devlpmt. To ae Kio, or making {his coltberain 5 stmutig sd itl col ot ave event anyone be fo wrk itt Wil Swift who ke my ths, assays td supenecnfence in me even when Twas nts areal os for being me get ny eas expe and for providing crcl fend ete pt eight Years 0 Aare Tin) Bee wh, ough is ena ‘Wisdom, peneating eeligens and empl proach to eel sad ‘ofessional problems as served a my menor. To Peer Kure snd ‘Atha Dol, my watts! adver or tir edt fer having ‘oafenze fe and fr bing cpen enh fo pre me teed 19 ‘Bivae cogtivetarapy bef was widely neste o Cane, or Dating up with me and for ber devotion in shouleing much of the ‘spensty Lcamot handle to Riad and Diane Wattenmaker, Bab ‘Spl, Jne! Willams, Gene D’Aqul and many ates who kare on ‘din ways thy probly do ot rele, Thave een forte trughou ny eo have fay that Tea sways yon fr praise reasurance ard acepsmce regards what have gore hugh percoaly. For acting ll ny ark | ws Be to thank my parent, grandparents, ether Spenser Dera and the cher manbes of my extended family. have laredtheagh woking ‘vi pte kes fateh I oak wich suppor for grated " 1 would ike to thank ll the ote people who eed me become the ppyehoogt that Tam. T woul Bet att by thanking ef Young, oe ‘ung sch an eneplry mde and fer giving me the best forma hry The ever now T woud Ske to hank my mene, Dev Barew,oe ‘waching me the meni ofthe word pete” ad for enecuaging ‘me tof my talents I would ao hank my apervar in New York Gy, Wil Swit; An De Lancy, Mike Bara, an ay low tere snd ee vss rom Bowa Univers snd form SUNY at Any Jey Camy, Bick Heiberg, ohn Wapne, len Ctra, Rein Tessar, Jin Manca, Raber Bac i Semone Alin Coben ny waa supper Ine chsoates alters Final, wold keto thank the oer menos ‘of my family and chee finds fr everyting they have given me aK FoREWoRD 1am delighted tat Jey Young and Janet Koko have tackled the {ngs universal problem te lse but he salutes Uy eer ae 2 ‘vagus tat we dat know how ogo about angng once we have the inspira Th Rewening Your Lif Janet Kno ad she with anew ‘haapy fr ng maar fe patens Lita trap address eae of theo desc probes We encanis every day ou ration, ‘Top you change he Mera, we combi etaigue fom seve lent therapies As ares we hk ts book wl provide you wid 3 far more through ae compres appcich 3 vay of ong ‘robs han mst Boks you bave rads ‘Se this ook is aboot personal growth and chang, Tike to lee the uh alowed eg he evel of Mee ap. In many respects my devlomint as therapist minors the journey of ‘elficovery we alin for you i this bak Tega in 1575 when Iwasa graduate Sadent atthe Universi of Pennsylvania. een my fist experience doing herpy aa tera st conmunty musta coer 9 Phinda Tw Ising Rogarn therapy, 2 pondecveappreach. Tweeter eig et ‘math f the tine Pans would comet me wth serous fe podems, xzesing power enon sod Iwas taught olen to prepa to clarity patients oud ave a thou auton. The problem. of ens, was that ten hey dr. Or if thry i come fo he ‘skin ok wong tat T bese tenhly fase by fete Theany was over Ragen theapy di ne fe my tpn ey rate incnctons. Perhaps 1a to pate, tke oe cage ‘nd progres reatvely quickly | beome easly ute in cram: Stances where here seria protien and I ave fost by ply Vrtchig, nab ae ‘Wha a sb tine I began reading stout beavis therpy, an spyoath hat sess rep conte beaver change [an enormont ‘el T could be acve an ler viet pater letend of eg 90 ‘sive Bebe therapy fed a well id out evr tht explained ‘thy patients Had spec problems aden whch cigs use [Was alos ie a xokbookor etna mama In copart with he ‘vague approach Thad orally lear, the tava del a8 ey ppl. waa geared vad fat shorter ange. ‘Ate a couple of ears, beans dalluscel wih beaver herp a wel Infeuing eo msrowly on what peopl dy began ol at behavie therapy Had gone too fi in oc or thoughts and fags. ras mang the riches of pate itera word At he poe Tad De Auon Bes book, Coto Therapy andthe Bwana Driers, andar excite aun Bek was ambi the pci a de. ness of behav therapy with theca of patient tags and bees. “Aer rants in 197 began stag cogave Dray with Dr, ec Ioved demonstrating opts bow thet ougts were di tural and showing then ronal erates sled piping robien behaviors and rehearsing nev ways of huningevyasy st ‘ons, Patients began to ange in Gramae ways ti depression id, tmey symptans went sway Lal fond at fe aha egntre therapy were extremely value sn my prolife I ese ead ing the word about cognitive thay toate pete roa ee tures and workshops ibe United Stand Bape Aer a fe year, tare my own private practice in Pitti ann to have deumatie ess with ay patient specaly hese ith pace emtons lie depression anne). Unruly a ie ‘ent ca. Tull up bac a patients who were ot epening allo ‘ho we ony slight imrovenent [dele ot dwn a Sure ot ‘hat thee ptiets hed in commen asked colengus of mae no ere copie theapsts o deste ter estat patents I Wanted © wher tha therapy lure were sar f0 my Ot ‘What fond in ying tdiingich fiat pats fem the oes who spied quickly was a revelation tome The mest it patente ‘ended to have is severe sae in eral they meee depressed fed ancious Many of thie pobiems cncrned tine the patents tad patens of ustifacory reltonshipe Furthermore, most fe ‘estat patents had exper the pole fo moo he Hes. ‘They mere ot coming eapy beau of gh le cis ke iro that of pret. Tex patens al had sl deste le pater. "Net [decided oak st ofthe met common hemes pte latte diet patie This became my sti of schemas or Marae, [ony hada fw ofthe even patent Renentn Your Li, such as dep feelings of defacivnes, 2 sense of profndiaton and Ioelins a ender 0 eter neds for thse of a el, and sn ubaay dependence or relanc ca thr. The Merap proved invaluable fo mee working with tients who revo Nd bee ne ‘pons to teatment fund tht by developing at of Kerap, ld ‘rea down ptiensjrobles ino manage pars Tend ao deny |e ets for slang ech protiem or prem. nrc my serch rho thes pater was al ery consistent wih ty own penalty ve avays longed to se arous specs of my le as prt ean organian’ we, wi sue sense fOdet epee. Ive alway fe ht Tod gain conta ove yo “fey exacting th geerl themes or pater ember ae acolo student rg fo as my roammstes no vars eter of end Sip deeing ov how much Tf hey could bevel wpe, "Another tread in my own development a a therapist hs been my increasing desir grat and Ben ar than elite oe Many therapist fel they mat choose one approach hry and flow ic with devon. Tati why ne Reve sect Geta therapy soit, rein teres. and beaver derapisaThave ce © ‘ee that inating the best components of several therapies i ar ‘oe elective thn any ove alone: There s much of vale in pajeboans pares were Thope tat Rinening Your Life ls the nad fr a book tat als compreervely witha bred range of eye lng problems we al face. [als ope tat it provides you witha useful famewok founder ‘Sang bow hese patterns developed along with power tokens or ec evap draw fom many dlteretpepcolgal epee Ua (Sa rly werk fr you Stentor 1992 Liretraps “+ Areyou repeatedly dawn ins elationtips with ele who ae cold {o you? Do you fe tat even the people est you do not cae cr ‘understand enough about yu? + Dovyox el that you ae a our car samebow delete that noone ‘who trly knows you oud prey love and act ou? + Doyou putt ans ef ors above your owns our ees never et smetand so you do ot even know what your eal nets ar ‘+ Doyou fea that sting bd wll app oyu, 5 that even amid sore that ete offs dread of mec ie dense? + Doyou ne tht earls of om mach pli ccm or scl zp ‘rval you recive you sl fel wap, fuller undeerving? ‘We cal puters ie thee ets. nts bok, we wil esrb he ‘leven most emsnon Meraps ad wil show you bow © recogni Cem, ow to understand the rin nd ow fo hae then AA ewap fs pater tht sans in childiocd and revefberates troughout et began with sting Wat was done tus by ou fans erby cher chen We wereabandone,cicaedoveprotected abused, exci, or deprved—we wee damage in sone way. Bren tual the Mevap bem pr af us Long after we eae he home we _rew up in we contin fo ceate stations in which Weare misete, 2 Remvenrine Your Lire Terre, put down or coved and in which we flo rach or mart, sted gala itera deteine hw we ik fel et and ele to thr. They ‘eggr strong etings uch aang, sides apd anit. Even wen we oppor ts have everyting uci stata sn eal mang, the rept of ‘mopl ce tow carer socess—we ar fen ule to sare o een a When we were fist deesping the itrape approach, we bean eating ‘nrg patent named Je Jo perfly thatthe sell destin ane of Merape Teds rm one moran to snoir niting tat neo women ete satiny hi, Each one event disspoinishin The Sone Jed cones to inate elaiomhige mitton wth wen a Set ally exe him. The probe that tas retriever lat. Jods ac connec wits Waren conquers em. The pin t vehi he oe interest set the ont st ich he has "wo" Th ‘ronan he stated to ln ve wih hen {ED tray tr me of whoa woman cig. Whe she e's hain oer ma tay fe Te oti Jed sugges wth nels He fs empty and bare. Theres an ey Ine nadeand eee searches forthe won who wl lin edleres ew ever fad this wes He eesti heb almay bet ‘lone and alvars wl be aloe, AS child elf this same aching Tones. He never new bis ‘ates, and his other was od and wer Neth o of them et his emotional ges. He pew up enctonaly dep, ad contin recat hs sae of deacon sna Fox yeas Jed invent repeated thie pate with therapit, tog fos oce to seer sch terapis nalygve i hope et ‘intely disappointed im Heneer eal courte wih ie heats be abays found some fatal aw that in his mind justified terminating herapy: Each they experience confirmed that his fe bad wt changed ‘ad be ie ven me alee. Many of a's therapist were warm an empath was ot the oben The froblem was tat fl shrys foun sme ease to ved ‘he itcy wth which be was s0 wane and confor. Eo- tinal super ro 2 terapt we ential, bu ot enough His ther fits id oot confront his elfdsractve gtr often o cell ‘nou For Jo eaape his Emsinal Depation tp be had © ‘Sop finding fal ith the weren he met and bei take spon iy Sing his own dcr abeu geting clo to pope ed ‘sorping thar mura "When Jel Sly came tous for treatment, me calnged hm over snc aver agi, ying fo ehip away at his Merap ech Sine eased ‘tel twas input to sbow hint we were gnnely spate ithhow meomforable it rhino oe anyone in ht of ‘xcemely cy pares Nevetiless, whenever iste tht Wendy as nt beaifl enough Label watt bln nigh x Melissa wast "tight for hi, we psbed hen oe that he ws align ep ‘esa ning lt with others to avid ding wards Afters yar ofthis enpeth confrontation, tlancing emai spat ad canna, ‘realy beeping earn gage, JED: My pros therapists were realy wnderstaning, endl got et of singh info my grin Chiod. at name of thm ray pated me ‘haat wa ast lea) ofl back nto my ata pter. ‘The approach a rent. aly tok some responsi formating rlionship work. 1 di’ want my aon at Neb another ate, ond {lt he ths wa for ma Abugh col se that Nl ae’ ‘afc Lina die tha th Tol haze onc wth sme. ‘one o sen mel Bema alone fore. ‘The literapaproch inves coninualy confronting castes We wil each you hom to track yur iferape as they play thsi at Your 1 and howto came them epee util the pats Tee he Ina cen, Heather has no ie he sto aid to do anything. Life is aught wih ange She prefers to stay tome where ale™ HEATHER: 1 Anne there's sof erat su to doin he ci, He Be ‘eat, He ce resturant TB eigen Bl 1 uo much fr me dow have fx. Pm to worried the fie that ‘oat Iara Heather wanes about car cashes. collapsing bis, getting ged, Catching: dnene sch ae AIDS nd spenng too mich money. ‘aly is ot suring hat pt the cy is ofan fi her. "Hethr'sashand Wat sey gry wth er He rant to go ot ‘pd dothinge Wat nyo and ay 0" ti ot ror ito Be (evived Mee and mare he goes shad and dws tgs wat ‘Heathers urns were copay ovepetrsve of er Her a avs were Joris Hoa srvivre who spent mack ef the cidioods ‘emanation camp Thy wee ber ice a cin al she pt ‘They coninaaly warned ber about possible (bt unk) teats to et wel se might catch pain, be rapped in tsb, ron oe ‘ecaughtin fir Is po wonder that she spends mast of hr tient nfl state of ancy, tying make ue tat ber wot is sae. Mean ‘while, almost veyang thts plastrable i ening et ofa He, ‘Before cing to us Heather tid several antaneuty meses ‘ore three year pred, Odin i th most commun eae ot fst) Most rely, she went oa peychitst who precbed Advan ‘Shetek the lls evry dy, andthe maditon dd provide sone rl ‘Sh bet es anise bene oe pleaser. owing she ‘ho maciatin made fal mare ae cope wa ange ven 35 she continued o avd ing the house. Her husband complained ht ‘mein jst made app fo around at bare. “Antherseroopreblem west ether depen nthe Ata HEATHER: 1a tke 1 going to have say i forthe ref my ‘Me Theda of ig p tres me do wan 0 Bk ong Scared of evrything a the Se ven when Heather coped wll wih stesso, she atid all reuse mdi. She wast bulking a snc of meter — ‘he see that se could handle things ox ber cw Ths why, parc lary with ancy eters atin end fo reaps when thermediion ‘thd eather made retiey rapid ores in ira theray. Within a yar ere was sigufcaty rer She realy stated entering mere “tube provaking stations She eral travel see fend, bot morien, {nd she eval deel fo leon a prime ob egued com ‘THE IRONY OF REPETITION "The chica tm fr lifer be schom, Te concep ofa schema © Remvenrine Your Lire comes ram come poychnlogy.Scheas are dry etre bls ‘out oaralves and the wor kareed early i He These schras are entra our ese of se To give up ot ein shea woul bet frrnder the scanty of rowing Who we ar abd what te word et ‘hero we ing tt even when tar Then ey bell prvi ‘swith a eee of predict and ean they are certs ‘nanan ed em hey rake fel tome, Ties why copa: reyehnlits belie schemas, leraps ae mo cl change, Letts ow lnk at ow ierape aft the chery we feelin mantel. Patrik is actly unhappy His wife eps having ts with ther men. ‘Whenever she bs an aa, be bcos desperate PATRIC Is le 0 do aig gtr Bock Ico stand. hone ‘Tle he fl opar. earn why pa pith {5 The her ore eh’ na re ore. tar ing, “ent I old be eter, she wor ned tod Ifo I ti, he wold sty wei ma" Tc lan fh ery Francie kegs romising oe ft and each ene Pack bees ‘Areca ine his bps are dashed, PATRICK: amt es she's ding ths f me again. ont bee she'd {ru me ough ic Afr is Sine Tas ese wd top. meen, ‘hess wht she id 0m, atmos ual | bee she soul doin, ‘Patr’s mariage is a ole nase. Heid, ot of contol rom wid Iope to despa ng and casing asin ad ga ‘PATRICK: The hart prt forme is he wating. Knowing what sh it ing and wang for hero cm home. Tere hae borne hen "hate aid at ot here and wate for hrf ome hme. ‘PATRICK: would goon edu oh couch and tabu water came nto my ind was sory ol forme. Mana sad ery le ‘he hl ars Bro Ts cig or eg ati ecu ean’ say eything el hehe wore there He ate ao abut his ildond, and bout wha i fl Me oe there ‘nlp hin se exact what is patarn was en bow heal break i. We {agi im ow o baome moe ete mh elnino ween ‘he ware maf the der te elorei fbongr eseuctve prvars who grate a tof sexual emis. He wasn ‘rote wth the pint ety that be ike many af ws, ad allen a ore ‘wih partur who rod hs Mersp. ‘Aa yer apd a half Heoap tap, Paik died end io snrriage Francie nth ine he fad ren er every chance He od ‘rnd cret is bebo that mee Goce the rations and ‘tat wre inventing be away He fd oped trying conta © Remvertina You Lire ter. He had given her mo teem. He ha ase himself when sbe ‘wet Bly. Bat hough fall Francine bad not changed, In fa, things ad grown wore, "When we freaked if he had considered eving Fanci, Patrick insist that be was tov fade woudl apart Bat when he finally left eran ended hs mariage he didnot al ape nse he ese caer sau mere clfcnidn. He saw that be could ve a ie apart fem rane We think be was right to ave the sel dtracive relatos. Pati sly started seeing cer women. Ata he dtd women ‘who were jut Be is wil-ansabl ard ral o suport am I was ‘though fe wererinning brag th le cle aga a at on. ‘We gradual bpd hin to make belthier hives eventhough tbe cherry be fat was nt quite as high Heh ben ving fr Sx months ‘wa yi avery stable and relale wean wo ems devoted im. While spe low gimorcus has Praning fr Uh ete a hie Pati i ering to be conten in # consistent, mung enviar. “The ferap approach shows you ec what pe of reatnips sactealny yout prs td wat tp toad, en Jou parte Tur Heraps Oe ta i eay. Lik Pc, you may have to make ‘Goes tat are pn ia the shot ru and even go aginst your put igre patty ave ber cen ght Carton sa peple pea, He puts everyone's eds before own. Hes ‘heen who alway says care you desde” when othr people ak ‘hm what be mont Caron i pleas i wie by saying "re" to everthing she aye aed wants, Here to plete i chien by ever caying “He es {oes his faherby ping ito te far snes even hough means lng jb be oe ot ke Trnially, despite the fac that eri so hard to phase, ter people ten fel itt wth Caron. Hes 0 seleacrificg is wile angry {hat he bas no badkonne, Although the crn ake sGrantage of fis arisivenes at wore evel hey re angry that he flo set ats His father i constantly annoyed with Carrs weskess and ak of agres- sivees at wor, partic nealing with employees ‘bough Caton des tk bs angry, tx Dep inside he ‘cangry abut having ded le oom needs fro ng Tia pte Ie learned early in fe. i father i consieed rant: be ies by ‘Gomiosuang and eotaling other. Everything ha to bes way. Aa 8 ‘lf Caron agreed of argued hs father spanked and belted him, His teat comply passive ole. She was depressed rach of ‘theme and Cro often ou anal nh ee of ae, ying makes fel beter. Thee was pla be culd go fo hs nels et. ‘lr coming to iy Carton wae nan experi eaten alld (Gest hry fortwo yas Hs apt erased in ay ithe ‘preset and pt in oh wih i ings or aml, the herp had [im ry aagiry earch he weld plo inter and pace ‘ang bck ohm Tie appre was pl He eared to fel Bow angry be was, "The proiem was thatthe therapy lacked ection Idd not ave a css foros, Caron died from ses to session explorng wi str eengs were moat pret at he maze Natl i snger st ‘is lored ons hep srtacing, but hed notat nhs eings ad be it ‘ot understand way. The therapist i ot ral the components of is wo gt fr hiv an then ech him spec hang agus rece is japan “iferap hey pide Catton with single srighorward con pia fomewor hat aoe hin eta auton wa 3 pestay ‘home nmnngrogh hse, pl he aad ayo ts cange ie Herma ‘pid popes. We afta find that he Scbagation Metra aks the east Sano ine otek Caron developed stonge ese of se He became more aware of ‘hsown dass an elgs whch he bad armed o spores He srt developing opine and referees He so bene mar sete Wh ‘ifthe enpojes and hs ead chien, Pars, be wrk on xprig anger earned to sate his eds in calm td eontlled ‘mumar Aough his wile and chien pat up some minor reise at ‘he Depining, once they seg they were sing Powe, hey som ‘sete down nth hey Bed hi ete, They wae ba beng. ‘bas mare dicate with sate Aioaghhis aber ed to aqua Crs rebelica and ease is dominant postin, Caton Sscovered that he had moe leverage with is father han be reed. ‘When hs heatened to ave he busiest wold 2 et 10 Reinvenrins Your Lire ss a mere equal lifter ack dwn. Cao ie now beg ‘ngs ae cer many is thers reer ie ter prepares fer reizenent. He as alo dover Ut his fale has 4 newloard repeat im “This cae taes the importance of ging beyond geting in touch wah cur flings Many oealed expen herp, sche nerd werk, provie a able roe in bpng ws the inks beeen what We ‘iprene or dy bes tly and what me feta cldrn Ba ese spproaches rary go far enough Paraiso fe mich beter afer ‘haapy sessions or workshops tut they usaly drift ack to the old tee gly. Te Menp ph prove sre tar emewor assignment nd centmal cnet to elp ou main res. “THE COGNITIVE THERAPY REVOLLTION Literap bray an grow fa apc cal commie teapy, develope by De. Aaron Bak inthe 190 We have icp yp ‘spac of thls eam no the Hsp approach “The tas premise cogntve therapy that he way we ink aout ‘rei incur ves (nlc) detaoes hw eft abt te em exe Pepe with entonal blero to dnt ty Por exam “Heater was au by her moter ovew everyday ake eng sub as dangerous Litraps ln us o Ve ca ns of ‘ios ina nsccarte manor. They push or engi batons ‘Cognitive therapists ble that f we can tach patie oben sma accrte out the way they intr shone ca bel them feel bt I we an show Heather that she canal en ber With ‘ut muh dager, ten she wl bls righted and canbe ving aan, ‘Dr, Beck suget tht we examine or Bough oily When we se uct are we caging pena, atasvopiing, ec? Doar ‘hh rely make sece? Arete ter ways ook at te sto? Farther, Beck says we shoud st cu negative ought by performing litdeexperment For sap, we ale Heater fo walk rod the lock alone drng the win toce at cing hema woul spent be, even hough she was convinced she would wt sik r be mugged “Cogaive thrapy hus gained wide espe Alrge growing boy of reszrchsupprts is eectverese with och rds stay ta ees, en ace appre thal each pats to canal her ‘mm code by controling the thugs Cognive thrapiss usualy bin copitive methods wit bear lara tenis, whch are designed each patents roi thy ‘ia never ave armed sch a rentaton sete nei) ae ‘ee, problem sling tie maragenet and socal sls However, mehave fund ov the years hat cognitive and beta metic whe ivable, re not sufcientfochange ong pst. ‘That we develpl the Licsp appeal wich cmb cee a behave tecnigus with peycnmalye and exerental ectiques. Maden, the fal pate we wal dc this hap, donates oh te value nd ton of wag ely cogaive behavirel metiods. (Mocca: Arori sne Vaan oc ACTS no SGN Masln as neve along term resin witha man Ista, se as gone fem ose extreme tte othr ee ae hae Sided es together or he ha ben promiscuous, ‘Un she went toclege, Madeline avoid boys, Se never dtd cr tad a tyro ADELINE meer kt guy naar ma. emenber the fst mea by ‘ised me ran away. When [sensed tht oy Hed me, ace aly (old wth ne aoe. In er fst two vers of cole, Malin stare drinking and doing eogs. Dring tis perio she fd ex with more han hity men. "Nove hem mea anything ome se ay, [MADELINE: Jon clege around. Thre ws on faery sohre ery ge tere ha ep ath me sme ead ‘nd ty [fl seat con's no, Il goon wh 0 tnd end of cing th ie een thngh I had frome wea ‘oul ped asthe on) songs woul go oa wth me. realy do! iw wy [iT he eset De eng ou of cond ‘The experience of eal abuse by her stepfather damaged ber sma and capac onary withmen Fer ber sexand abuse aeinextcaly ised ‘Now, Madine ebck to vein men She has ot dated in many yearsandis wore hat se wil pve be abe mary and bv children “The fine ueament Madeline eed was cretion cnet apy, Her theapist frwed on he present en Madeline: caren 0 snceafmen Is rre for example fr Nadete fo Gnste her cldod intherapy: lasted she and er thei eid homewek for he to do ‘eween sass sch a striking up conversations wih meno going aries. The therapist tous och as Me re oly out for sex” by asking Ber fo examples af men she knew 5 ‘ang and wanted ita. ‘Therapy wet on fx several mache Male began de again, but he was a to abusive en. Au sb recognized hat any ten wee consider experiore with bois ino bear ths cu ale ele she needed someting mae to change her del i ‘wake! pave. [MADELINE: ft Se my therapist as asing m fo change without _ndestndng yest yes, mea, Fon Thaw fo chavge ‘thay tha shea ave start ting men endo avon sees. Ba there re esos hy Tavedman ned waderstend ‘shat te oe. “Madtnebce angry a nya who semi approach er rm cay. She could see tat the anger was the esl of dtr hugh bat Sheba el. Madeline nade ister anger tomas roe Tr seater. Ste ned exes ange tl ave abate ‘Durty theft year and half of lerap trap, we ape Made line to uncover er marie of abase thigh imagery We pbed Ret ati ber ange ther stata nd eon wits er ec. Um. We encaage! her fo in a spp group fr seve ce Weals shaved iar hw ae manana ett of bane by seating abusive byfiends. Madeline sly resumed dating Altiough the mas til ata 10 shusve me she sted away fon thant our ute, ong i ‘Sad on nen who tated er respect even though the cemsy was Jes intense She workaon demanding reject atherthan kaving tothe stato give tof Sh bared oy 00" Aout a ynr ltr she in ove wih Ben agente, seative man. ven with hi, owever, she experead srius sera initio, Ben ves wling to work wih er oeeme he sem ifcaies Sbes 08 crelng a In Caper 16, we wil provide many sugresons fer changing he Mss ad Abuse Mebap However, we want to emphasis ht ay aps Misrost and Abe in arcu, ke ag tine to change an ‘hold be approach the lp erp sop ra ‘Madeline ceament lusts bow era therapy rein the pac tial fos of rite and behavioral tapi it bls and makes ‘Guages But we are erste mur an short tem behave mode ‘en. We aso want fades lieing scum especialy duis in ‘eins eet, and care robles, We want adres bel Jnr but we sin want to dren he ays tt pope el nd elt, “The next chapter begins with 2 qutiona fo bp you icover which evans aly to you, 2 Whnicn Liretrars Do You Have? Inti hater, we wil lp you identify which traps seen mest pr ‘en ow ie ated ol the next twenty tostatenersn inter teeah ‘of you on this sii sake 1 Compleely uncve of me 2 Maly nae of 23 Slightly more ue than untrue of me 4 Modertaly toe of me 5 Mosty tue ofme 6 Describes me pert Fis, mse how buethstaenent was of you tcl your newer “THE LIFETRAP QUESTIONNAIRE "ind maf cag people Ta coe eas] ‘mv afald ty eave me wary ola the espe ove wll il soe cis they prefer and leave me. Tam usualy ov he oko fr pops ar mo tie: I dot trast pope esl Tie eanot et ny guard dowa aoa Oe PO pc they il ha me wary mere ian te average person about danas wil gta utareharm wlemetone, TTworry tat | my family) willow money and te dette dependent on oer Toate cance wll by ysl, oie Tm ‘her ele to blp me get. ‘My parents ad I tend to be oneal a eachy hes vs and problems. Thave ot lad soon tates, Safe | rel with me. or ae ply at al apn People Fave not boa tie oat my ental es forundertandng, empath lance o, sed supper. Tie ike {do nt belong Tam alee do wi rally fitin, Tm dl and arg T dat know wiat fo sy 6 cial No one dese who new te vel mew al eects expe cal lave me Tam ashamed ofmyel Lam unwary oft ore tendon and ropes of there ol be diferent fr vaio tenes in your Cabot, choose he ‘hat best Ste way yu faa genera wp tl the ge of err. Then, fa how tue ac ite is of you now, a5 an ad Your anower wou ‘edfrent for various proda yur ida ie choose he tnt est lcs to you inthe pst sx mons. Tam ota ieliger or capable as mt pk whe cme to ek (Soa. Totes fl radu beaase doa maize up ‘oaths in tems of tet, intligace ard ses. TH. Tied it have no choke bat are nw opi wishes cherie they wl eae ore [People seme as ing to mash ar Geese ah cough fe mya [Tay todo ny test Tear ae x god mag T Ine tobe nimber coe a wt da fat have so moch accomplish that he alot tine fo ela ad ely eajy mye [Tiel that oud’ have to flow th oral la and eonvations ote people 6. Kart een to dsipine mye to completa, ring ks ero cnel my emctona [your TOTAL SOCIAL EXCLUSION SCORE ada your soe together or qt 110) USING THE SCORE SHEET Now you are ready to wafer your sows fn: he questionaire tthe sear Hh. The sale gusto and sample se she below Sh” Souhow t do thie ‘SAMPLE QUESTIONNAIRE ITEMS, cn Liners Do You Have? 17 (Questions 1 and 2 are bath pr of he Abandeaant eran. Lat’ eat ‘with Question 1 Take yor sore for thie tem 5a hla ane ‘hbo ut othe gh othe wad ABANDONMENT on he cre set ‘et tothe numb under he Child colums). Now ake our sre fr this ‘tam now san Sl ad anf the net 1 ir the Ne ee ‘Net ok at your Soa frquestn 28 cil. Taner to box 2 ane the Child column. Then ake your scr fr guston 2 nw od trae ito the next box 2 ude he Now column. ‘Lenka al far of your scores fr the Abandenmentiferap, Which ce is highest? Transer your highest sre (2% 45 cc 6) et he at bison the Abandeamen row. your highest sein or 6 pt check ‘kn the et calm This mean that Abandonment pal oe your sna Your highest se 203 ave te bo bank This Incas Abendounent is probably nt ene f Yeu aches "Now g aad sd fl thereto these Sct he sae way, 7 find mal dnging to people Tadeo 2 | ncause maid hey ave. 2.1 wary aot atthe people ove wl | find someone ese tay prefer and eave me. ‘SAMPLE OF MATCHING SCORE SHEET endoneat | 23 [2/25 [24] 5 Enter 18 Remventine Your Lire INTERPRETING YOUR SORES, ‘We wil now describe cch of he elven Metape Ei ja enough to scxusint you mith each om Refer to Your sere shee eh ira mith “eat itis ely to spp to you Nataly, he her your se for ‘achlfesap the ore power probably frou and the mae inpact ‘probably has ad on Your fe. Yoo wil want o rend moe abt exch cftherelvant erage ter, fe you have fase te nodstery Chaps TE you are unsure abut wheter lena apis you ce someane Sloe you dons worry about ying be sue ow. When you ge 12 ‘he caper devoted torch leap we wl ge yah mare dele test you can fae fo be oe that fits ‘THE ELEVEN LIPETRAPS, BRIEFLY ‘Teolitraps rete to ack o sity in your childhood fy ‘Ths ae dhondommen! sod Mira + Aawocwext «+ ‘The Abondomnnt irate eting thatthe pope you ve willave you and you wl eod up emotional ated fren: Whether you el ole lor to you wil i ese bre foes, abandon You bcaSse {hey prefer someone es, somehow you fel ht you willbe ef lene ‘Becase ofthis bee, you may cng fo people cee fo you fe mach oily, you ed up pang them aay. You may et very eet ot ney aout even normal separations. + Mismst a0 Anse + ‘The Misrust and Abuse erp isthe expectation tht pope wil ror shane yout someway tat they Wl dat, be ty anal nt, flgncaly Harm rater ake advantage of you. yo bare this Iifrap, you bide behind awa mists ope youre You peer ‘ee people gt to coe. Youare suspic of ober peoples sions nd tal wo ssume the wert. You exper hatte peopl os ove wl ay 2. Ether you aad reitionshipe coger, nem spel ream ‘hip in which you do not ely open up to others, oyu fora ean. ‘Ships wih people who teat you Bly abd hen fe gry and vengel toward the “Two trap ate to your ailty to fnton independent inthe we ‘These leraps are Dpendows and Vara + Derownes + you are caught in the Depondince trp, you feel ube to handle cveryay lle in x competent manner wiht considerate bel fem oh {Yo depend others oa a rth and constant par. A child you were made wf incompetent whe You til to soc Your lndependence. As an al, you sek ot ron furs upon whats t ree depnde and allow them rule our Me At werk, jou Se fom acing on your own. Needs fo a, ths os you back. ‘Wit Vara, you live in fear that ater is abot 1 sike— wheter natal rina medica ofan You do ot el sate Weald Ifyou vets are a¢ «cl you were mad nel tht the ‘wel ca dangerous place You ware pcbbly verted by your [ues who worried to mc bout you sft. Your ars are xese { woeatie yet You hem cnol your ed por Jo ney {nto making sure that you aresfe Yur ears may revave red ese Ivig an anda ack, gating AIDS, or gong ary. They may be ‘fred around fsncalvelerablity: ging broke and eovdng upon the oes. You vuailiy may rele aun other pabie tons, ‘ch ata fe of fring, beng ogee or earthquakes ‘Twolleapsreateto the sent your emotional comectons to thers notona Dept an Sonal Exon + Borman Demvanon + ‘Emotional Deriaon tebe hat your ned or ove wil never beet ‘adequately By er people. You ol that no ne leave or You ot {ndestandshow you et Youfnd yourself atrace ocd and ng ‘plo youar cold nd urging yore ding yout form elton Ship tht inevably prove usatstving Yu el cheated and you ae ‘ate beteen beng angry aboot it and eng ur and akoe. ical, Sour anger lst res people urter aay, ensuring your cto dee 20 Reinvenrine Your Lire ‘When patients with esi deprivation come user therapy sessing thre i nets abut then at iy wih us cven ater hey fave tthe oi isa quality of emptiness of notional someon ‘These are people who do tot now wat love + Sean Excuse « ‘Sei! cui involves your connection to ens and greaps It has to bo wt ling ole un the resto he wor, with eng diferent. you ave ths era, aa cl you fet exe by prs You dl ot ‘nde toa run offends Paap you bad some musa characterise ‘hat made you eel flrs in ome way A an afl ou mn your Iikrap many tough svodance Vou aed slag in groOps and king fed. "You may have felt excloded because thee was smn aot you ‘hat ee cen ested. Hence ou fe scaly undesira,Asan ad ‘hey may Sod po in clasen tt mings a at ware They have a rel aly, qa of oking or plc to beng “The two fraps that rete to your selesaem ae Deas nd Fare + Derecinmess + With Dejecticons, you fo inary aed and defective. You bleve ‘dat you would be frdamenalyunlovele to anyone who got chose ‘eomugh fo really Kzow you, Your defectives would be exons. AS Teh, yo i not fel respected oe who ou were in your fami. In ‘fed, you were cried for your “Rows” You Blamed yourel—-you fa sowerty ef love Asan ada, you ae aad of lve. You fad i ct believe that people ce 0 you ale you, $9 you expect + Pause + For ithe be hat you ar inadequate in ra af sckevement sich 2 shel, work, an spars You bee you have aed relative o yur bers Asa cl you wee made f fe! infer inter of achieves ‘You nay have bad a larg dsbly of You ay never tae ler zoughdscpine to maser irportant sy such reading Other d- ‘ren wee alvays beter tan You. You were cle “stipend” Sear.” As an adult, you maintain your Hesap by exagerting the agree of you flr ad by ating i ways haters yor conan ‘sire “wo iecaps dea with Sef Expresion jour aby express what ou vez and get yur tured met: Saagation and Unalog Stand + Sian «| ‘With Sfigotin, ou scree our own ns and dese forte sake lf pleasing etas er meting he ads. You lowers oon yo. ‘You do thse ot of putt you hut ether pope by puting youl ior fear that ye Wel be piso sbandoned et Ssbey. As acl someone ose o you probaly spare, subjugated you, Asan al You repeatedly ete reltnaip with dancnane, oa ‘oling pale and sb youre to hem Soa eter restorips ‘wih ney people Wha ae tor damaged to ve back fo you a return + Usmmasree Susman + you arin the Uilonting Standards iar, you strive letealy to met xtreme high expectations of yoursl. You place xssve empha sis on stm mane, achievement, beat, ee oF regain atthe fers af happies plas, halt a Cese of sxomplhet od Satshingrebonsipe, You probably apply your rgd wanda ether Pople wel and ery ada When ou ere hl, you were ‘expec behest and ou ere tug tha ning ele wan ire You eared that nothing youd was quite god enough. + Bomar © ‘The final itp, Bement, is associated withthe ait © xcept ‘eas Umisin ile People who have ths ez aspect Tey st 22 Reivenrina Your Lire that they beable tod say, or have whatever they want mdi. They

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