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65
Insurrections
He was the god of chess each time he spread the crumpled mat and
set up the pieces with his haggard, dark brown hands. I used to look at the
grime beneath his fingernails and the scars on his knuckles, wondering
why his hands looked older than him.
And my father’s voice crackled when we played chess. Daddy often
sounded like a kung-fu master in one of those movies me and my brother
watched on Saturday mornings. He didn’t speak like that all the time, but
he always spoke like that when we played chess.
Once, I was so deep in concentration that I didn’t look up when my
father broke our silence. Instead I chose to imagine one of my horses
speaking.
I used to play this game with your grandfather when I was your age,
he said sitting hunched over the board, moving around the pieces he had
captured, waiting for me to make a move. Pop was good, he said. I never
beat him.
How come?
’Cause he was good. Naw, really, I could have beat him had I had
the chance. He got real sick. Couldn’t even finish the game we had
going ’cause we took him to the hospital. He told me to bring the
game with me when I went to see him. Your grandmother wouldn’t
let me take it to the hospital, though. Don’t bother your father with that
foolishness now. Daddy’s impression of my grandmother was a high-
pitched shriek that sounded like her only in spirit, and even then it
was Granny as a cartoon character. You know how your grandmother
is, he continued. Every time we went, he used to ask me about the set
and—
My father paused as I moved my queen to a middle square. He
swooped in swiftly and tapped it from the board with the base of a knight.
It bounced once it hit the carpet.
Thought you had something, huh? Let that be a lesson, little girl.
With my queen gone, I made my moves lazily, waiting for the twenti-
eth checkmate, and then my father said this: You playing like the game’s
done. The game ain’t over until that king is pinned down and can’t go
nowhere.
If a pawn makes it to the other side, he told me, it becomes a queen.
I imagined a little pawn magically blossoming into royalty on that last
square.
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Insurrections
stood before us talking fast and loud. She got this way sometimes. My
father placed his hand softly on my head.
Come on, baby girl, stop pouting and get your stuff together. I’ll walk
you to the bus stop.
My father never walked me to the bus stop in the mornings. Most
days he’d leave for work early before I even got out of bed. He’d return
late in the evening long after I had come home from school, his clothes
and skin covered in black grease. After a half hour he’d walk out of his
room looking immaculate, his face clean and smooth, each hair lined up
waiting on my inspection. His hands, though, were always stained with
traces of thick oil and dirt that rested beneath his fingernails. He’d sit on
the couch with his scarred hands wrapped around a green beer bottle that
rested on his thigh.
As I stood from the game, Daddy took my hand in his, and there sat
the grease, nesting beneath his nails, as much a part of his hands as the
creases and veins.
Even though in my little girl mind he had cheated me, the thought
of walking with him filled me with pride, making me the happiest girl in
all of Cross River.
Dammit, Robert! my mother said. You made her miss the bus.
I peered out the window to see its yellow tail pulling off.
Well, baby girl, we’re going to have to take the L9 downtown to Ol’
Cigar Station, my father said. But we got to leave right now, because I’m
sure the buses are behind schedule.
We stepped out the door and I forgot to wonder why he wasn’t at
work.
That was my fifty-seventh checkmate at my father’s hands. I refused
to play with him after that and instead taught my little brother the game.
He was six at the time and had a short attention span. I got tired of beat-
ing him, though. He never figured out how I could mate him in three
moves.
Soon my father and I returned to the board. Around this time it became
clear that my mother didn’t much like chess. She used to say things like,
Chess ain’t gonna get your homework done. One night when she thought
I was asleep I heard her tell my father, Chess ain’t gonna get you work.
That was in the middle of a bunch of hollering from both of them. Then
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the front door slammed. My father was back in the morning to finish up
the previous night’s game.
Sometime around the hundred-and-first checkmate, I cut through the
park on my way home from a friend’s house late in the afternoon. There
hung a sharp chill in the air. Around a picnic table stood a silent crowd
looking severe and intense. Everybody pulled their jackets closer when the
cold breeze blew in, but even as the heat left their bodies the people’s eyes
stayed fixed on the game. Two guys—an older man with a white Afro and
yellowish-brown tobacco stains soiling his white mustache and a younger
man with smooth dark skin and thin, trimmed black hairs neatly resting
on his upper lip—sat at the picnic table with its black graffiti on flaking
maroon paint. The men were face to face, staring at a crumpled board
more tattered than my father’s. A pale brown time clock sat near them,
and after each move one of the men slapped a button atop the timepiece.
The elder man had a grizzled face that looked as if it had been punched
too many times, while his opponent’s was young, strong, and handsome,
dimples passing over his cheeks when he flashed a transient smile.
Brilliant, a tall guy whispered loudly after the older man moved a
pawn one square forward. Then a few minutes later: Man, fuck a Bobby
Fischer. We got two Bobby Fischers right here. And these Bobby Fisch-
ers ain’t crazy.
From the chatter I learned that the younger man was Manny, his oppo-
nent was Chester, and nobody had ever seen anyone defeat either of them.
Eventually Chester pinned Manny’s king. He didn’t get up and dance.
Manny didn’t rip the black hairs from his upper lip and storm off in anger.
The two slapped hands, complimented each other, and left in opposite
directions.
When I reached home, I told my father all about the match. Speaking
breathlessly, I mixed up parts of the story and corrected myself into an
incoherence I knew only my father could understand. And he did make
sense of it, even if he had to ask me to slow down a few times.
I heard about them dudes, my father said.
We should go out to the park, Daddy. You can beat Chester.
Baby girl, chess ain’t about who can beat who; it’s about life. He
unrolled the board and set up the pieces. Now come let me beat up on
you.
It wasn’t until checkmate one hundred twenty-one, or perhaps one
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All right, brotherman, I’m just saying that if I was her, I’d move that
queenside knight so I could castle and set up some opportunities to put
you in check, otherwise the game is over in three.
Whatever, man, worry about yourself, my father said. I hear Chester
did you like that computer did that Russian.
Aw man, fuck Chester—
Could you have some respect for my little girl?
Sorry, man. I ain’t mean to disrespect the little lady. Let me play win-
ner, Manny said, and then he winked at me. I smiled.
Staring at the board, I could see Manny was right. My father knew
it. His annoyance showed in his stiff brow and the nests of wrinkles at
the corner of his eyes. There was only one way out. But winning wasn’t
as important as doing so gracefully and on my own. The knight stayed in
his position and I moved a pawn instead, hoping to get it to the other side
of the board before the game ended.
Aw, little lady, you just signed your death warrant, Manny said. Let
me play winner.
Man, my father said, let the girl play. With a quick maneuver of his
fingers he trapped my king. It stood there lonely and helpless, cut off from
all its allies.
Checkmate! my father called with the drunken excitement of a mid-
night partygoer. You’re getting better, but you’re still not good enough to
beat your old man.
My father gathered the pieces, snorting and grunting in a way that let
me know he was pleased.
Come on, man, let’s go a round, Manny said with a dimpled smile.
Naw, man, I got to take my little girl home.
What you scared of? he asked.
My father barely even bothered looking up at Manny as he rolled his
board and cradled it in the crook of his arm.
My dad’s not scared of you.
Looks like he is, Manny replied.
Come on, Daddy, you can play one game.
Naw, girl, we got to go.
Yeah, little lady. Y’all gotta go, Manny said. The way your pop plays,
I’ll have him mated in two. He doesn’t want to embarrass himself in front
of you.
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My mind now drifted during our games, thinking about my father push-
ing over his king while Manny folded his arms across his broad chest
and nodded in satisfaction. It was that slight nod, more than anything,
that drew me back to the park day after day to watch the neighborhood
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chess heroes inch pieces forward and stare at their boards as if the world
depended on each of their moves.
Manny sat before a board every time I wandered through Ol’ Cigar
Park. He was as much a part of the place as the maroon wooden benches,
the crumbly blacktop of the basketball court, and the dark green weather-
beaten statue of the serious-faced man atop a galloping horse—sword in
one hand, reins in the other, and a cigar between his lips—that sat in
the center of things and watched over the whole area. Sometimes Manny
would look up from a game while waiting on an opponent’s move. He’d
smile or wink and then return his gaze to the board before I could respond
with a smile or a wave of my own.
Manny checkmated a man once just as I showed up to watch the
afternoon’s matches.
Little lady, he called, and waved a raised hand as his opponent slinked
away. He returned the chessmen to their starting positions and offered
me the white pieces. His board was vinyl like my father’s but smooth and
new. When I made my first move, he told me it was all wrong. Manny had
a comment after each of my turns. I clutched the head of a knight. He
guided my hand instead to a pawn I hadn’t considered. When he removed
his hand from mine, I slowly eased my arm back, knocking over my king
and queen, and felt myself blushing. Manny laughed and placed them
back on their squares. Chess had never made more sense; the game had
never been more beautiful. I watched his smooth hands dance as they con-
ducted the lesson. He took his eyes off the board to look up at me when I
spoke and complimented me each time I did something unexpected.
As I moved my queen, a woman, tall and brown-skinned, holding a
silver purse over her shoulder, walked up behind him and placed her hand
on his back. He greeted her without turning from our game. Just after her
arrival, he took my queen. The woman smiled at me. I kept a serious face
and stared at the fallen piece. He mated me with his next move.
Manny placed an unlit cigarette at the corner of his mouth, lit a
match, and cupped his hand around the flame to protect it from the wind.
Good game, little lady. He stood from the table, scooping up a hand-
ful of pieces and dropping them into the woman’s purse. He rolled the
floppy vinyl board, and the woman stuffed that too into her purse. You’re
going to be real good one day. Go home and show your daddy what I
taught you.
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Manny winked at me over his shoulder as he walked off with the tall
woman. A board sat empty on an adjacent table. In my mind I filled it
with pieces, reliving the game I had just played, trying to make all I had
learned a part of me.
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wrapped in two different types of paper that puffed out and wrinkled
at the edges. My father had wound several strips of black electrical tape
around the box. Daddy’s wrapping job was so pathetically cute I almost
didn’t want to open the gift.
I know your birthday isn’t until Sunday, but you played such a good
game this morning.
When I ripped the paper from the box, I could do nothing but stare at
my gift. It was a green marble chessboard. I ran my fingers along the clear
glass that covered the thick emerald base. The white pieces were a shiny
crystal, the dark pieces a frosted gray. It was heavy. My father grunted as
he moved it to the center of the table for us to play.
When my mother came home we were on our way to the two-
hundred-and-second checkmate.
Look what Daddy got me, I said as she closed the door.
That’s nice, baby, she replied evenly and blandly, and her lack of
enthusiasm irritated me.
My father and I played a long game, neither of us dominating. I had
just taken his second rook when my mother made me go to bed. It was
early. I frowned and sighed loudly in frustration, but I dared not talk
back. There was no checkmating my mother.
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We haven’t even paid the rent this month, my mother yelled. I got to
go grocery shopping this week. Robert, you don’t think.
Why is everything such a big deal for you? I didn’t do anything
wrong. I got the girl a nice gift.
You didn’t get that for her. You got it for yourself. When are you ever
thinking about anybody but yourself?
We always pull through. You’re always predicting the worst and we
always pull through. It’s never as bad as you say it is.
You don’t even know how we pull through.
Silence.
You want me to take it back? Fine, I’ll take it back.
It’s too late; you can’t take it back now. You already gave it to her like
a fool. You’ll just be disappointing her. God, Robert, you apply for two
jobs and then give up; got the nerve to spend the money I make on expen-
sive gifts. I don’t understand you. It’s just like the garage. You never think
anything through. All you had to do was apolo—
Could we not talk about that? I’m done talking about that.
Silence.
I don’t know how we’re going to get out of this one. We can’t live
on that chessboard, Robert. Did you even try to think this through? I’ll
tell you this, Robert, you’re not going to have Bobby out of school on his
birthday so he can grow up to be like you.
Whatever—
You’re not a man, Robert. You don’t. . . .
Think.
At least, I believe she said think, but I can’t be sure because the door
slammed on that word.
A moment later my door cracked and a sliver of light expanded into
the room.
Baby, I heard my father’s voice say. The gentle tinkling of wooden
chess pieces bouncing against one another accompanied his voice. Baby,
are you awake? Want to play chess with Daddy?
I pretended to be asleep. My bed shifted and creaked. My father sat
on the edge by my feet. He said nothing for a while, sitting still. He
sighed. He whispered something angrily. Before long he was taking short,
tortured breaths and whimpering like an infant or a wounded horse. I
cracked open my eyes and peered at him through slits. A glint of hall-
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way light landed on half his face; the other half sat draped in darkness.
A dampness slicked his cheeks. I burrowed my head between pillow and
sheet and tightly shut my eyes.
Neither of us said anything about that night as the days passed. The mar-
ble chess set sat in the living room, our last game frozen on its face. Both
my father and I barely acknowledged its presence most of the time. Every
week, though, he removed the pieces, cleaned the dust from the board,
and set them back just as we had left them that night.
One day it sparkled under the ugly yellow apartment lights while I
sat across from it doubled over by an aching in my belly. My mother had
cooked spicy wings for dinner; maybe that was the cause. I tried to ignore
the pain by sitting on the scratchy brown couch and writing in my jour-
nal. As I wrote, I felt a new wetness between my legs. And there it was, a
streak of brownish-red blood staining my underwear.
My mother knelt over the bathtub washing my underpants in warm
soapy water, talking to me about babies and blood and all the ways my
world would change. Most of it passed over me, disappearing into the
universe.
A few days later I went to the park by myself, though my mother
now forbid it and my father sided with her, saying, What are you looking
at me for? You heard your mother. I slid into a seat across from Manny.
He slowly took my pieces, finally checkmating me after the tall brown-
skinned woman showed up. Manny walked off with her, leaving me with a
dimpled smile and a wink as he had done before. I shrugged, sitting there
by myself wondering if all that talk of my world changing was just another
one of those empty things adults say to children.
My father barely spoke during this time. He usually disappeared after din-
ner, and I would hear him return late at night, taking heavy steps, loudly
banging into furniture and cursing in pain. In the darkness I stared up at
the ceiling, thinking about games I watched in the park or something else
entirely. He would be gone again in the morning when I awoke for school.
In the afternoon there was my father, sitting on the couch, red-eyed with
a green bottle of beer in his hand.
The day we returned to the board was an unusual one. It must have
been a school holiday, because my brother and I were both home, but
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watched his spare pieces as he studied the board. He angled them into
position, maneuvering his bishop and a pawn to kill my king. Doubling
back, I blocked him. He made another move, and I focused again on my
pawn.
It danced to the last square, transforming into royalty, that most
powerful lady of the board.
And as I smiled at the pawn’s triumph, my father used a knight and a
rook to seal my king’s fate. He slapped his hands together and rocketed
to his feet, announcing his checkmate with a shriek while he paraded
around the table laughing and applauding. I gave the victor the slightest
nod and tipped over my dead king.
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