Documente Academic
Documente Profesional
Documente Cultură
To enjoy the goods things that life offers. To deal with the suffering that life
presents with dignity and courage.
IN CHILDHOOD - to do what they have to do to thrive in
good times, survive in bad timesand make the best of that until they are on
their own and can make their own changes.
IN ADULTHOOD - to change surviving to thriving by
examination of their childhood - keep the best - dump the
rest draw upon inner strength of spirit and integrity.
ALWAYS - To be curious and serious, and to be taken that
way. To be happy and helpful. To be cherished and safe.
ERIC BERNE'S 3 GREAT PERMISSIONS FOR THE CHILD
TO LOVE . . .TO CHANGE . . .TO DO THINGS WELL
As children learn to adapt and bend their will to the social demands of the world they
must be trained in another
handful of social concepts:
TRUTH - LIES - GOOD SECRETS - BAD SECRETS - DISCRETION.
TRUTH - LIES - GOOD SECRETS - BAD SECRETS - DISCRETION
must be taught on a regular basis by parents. Part of a parents'
responsibility is to RAISE ISSUES and teach the
differences between these five concepts.
Children learn in three ways, by
MODELING, REINFORCEMENT, and INSTRUCTION.
Parents need to tell children about the world, their place in it,
and how to grow up happy, cooperative, and productive.
FANITA ENGLISH
TAJ 2:2 APR 72
Now I want to turn Structural Analysis into Functional Analysis by drawing a line to
divide C1 into two parts.
The top half becomes the Functional Adapted Child
composed of the storehouse of the rules of relationship in childhood with part of the
Little Professor.
The bottom half becomes the Functional Natural Child
composed of the Natural Child and part of the Little Professor.
Now we have the beginning of the functional diagram of the
Functional Natural Child and the Functional Adapted Child
Function is about what the ego-states do
Structure is about what the ego-states are
I work with a small set of not rocket science ideas about the minimum sets of
functional and dysfunctional behaviors.
Therefore I have distilled a lot of theory into a simplified and reduced set of ideas and
concepts applied to getting out of trouble and staying out of trouble.
The final transition changes structure into function leaving the 2 parts of the child, NC
and AC.
The Natural Child still has part of the Little Professor.
The Adapted Child still has part of the Little Professor.
The Rebellious Adapted Child has all the childhood rules to survive and the thinking
to do the work-arounds with those big people who dont always play fair by knowing
how to rebel and make it work - making life safe most of the time.
The Compliant Adapted Child has all the childhood rules to survive and the thinking
to do the work-arounds with those big people who dont always play fair by knowing
how to comply and make it work- making life safe most of the time
NURTURING PARENT
Nurture ( nr"chr) n. 1. Something that nourishes; sustenance. 2. The act
of bringing up. nurturing 1. To nourish; feed. 2. To educate; train. 3. To help
grow or develop
Synonyms: nurture cultivate foster nurse The central meaning shared by
these verbs is " to promote and sustain the growth and development of ":
Nourish 1. To provide with food or other substances necessary for life and
growth; feed. 2. To foster the development of; promote 3. To keep alive;
maintain
Encourage 1. To inspire with hope, courage, or confidence; hearten. 2. To
give support to 3. To stimulate; spur
Synonyms: encourage animate cheer embolden hearten inspirit The central
meaning shared by these verbs is " to impart courage, inspiration, and
resolution
Develop 1. To bring from latency to or toward fulfillment: 2. a. To expand or
enlarge b. To aid in the growth of; strengthen c. To improve the quality of;
refine: 3. a. To cause to become more complex or intricate; add detail and
fullness to; elaborate:
Promote 1. a. To raise to a more important or responsible job or rank. 2. To
contribute to the progress or growth of; further. 5. To help establish,organize
CONTROLLING PARENT
Controlling 1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct.
2. To hold in restraint; check: struggled to control my temper 3. a. To verify or
regulate by comparing with another standard. 1. Authority or ability to
manage or direct One that controls
Direction 1. The act or function of directing. 2. Management, supervision, or
guidance of an action or operation.
Supervise 1. To have the charge and direction of; superintend.
Synonyms: supervise boss overlook oversee superintend The central
meaning shared by these verbs is " to have the direction and oversight of the
performance of others ": supervised a team of investigators; bossed a
construction crew; overlooking farm hands; overseeing plumbers and
electricians; superintend a household
management 1. The act, manner, or practice of managing; handling,
supervision, or control 2. The person or persons who control or direct a
business or other enterprise. 3. Skill in managing; executive ability.
Charge 1. To impose a duty, responsibility, or obligation on
Oversight 1 Watchful care or management; supervision.
ADULT
Rational 1. Having or exercising the ability to reason. 2. Of sound mind;
sane. 3. Consistent with or based on reason; logical: rational behavior
Logical 1. Of, relating to, in accordance with, or of the nature of logic.
Reasonable 3. Reasoning or capable of reasoning in a clear and consistent
manner.
Synonyms: logical analytic ratiocinative rational The central meaning shared
by these adjectives is " capable of or reflecting the capability for correct and
valid reasoning
Clarity 2. Clearness of thought or style; lucidity
Prudent 1. Wise in handling practical matters; exercising good judgment or
common sense. 2. Careful in regard to one's own interests; provident.
Practical 1. Of, relating to, governed by, or acquired through practice or
action, rather than theory, speculation, or ideal 6. Concerned with the
production or operation of something useful
Question 1. a. An expression of inquiry that invites or calls for a reply. b. An
interrogative sentence, phrase, or gesture. 2. A subject or point open to
controversy; an issue. 4. To analyze; examine.
Inquire. 1. To seek information by asking a question 2. To make an inquiry or
investigation
NATURAL CHILD
Natural Characterized by spontaneity and freedom from artificiality,
affectation, or inhibitions. Not altered, treated, or disguised
Fun 1. A source of enjoyment, amusement, or pleasure. 2. Enjoyment;
amusement: 3. Playful, often noisy, activity 1. To behave playfully; joke
Creative 1. Having the ability or power to create 3. Characterized by
originality and expressiveness; imaginative
Spontaneous 1. Happening or arising without apparent external cause;
self-generated. 2. Arising from a natural inclination or impulse and not from
external incitement or constraint. 3. Unconstrained and unstudied in manner
Robust 1. Full of health and strength; vigorous. 5. Marked by richness and
fullness
Vigor 1. Physical or mental strength, energy, or force. 2. The capacity for
natural growth and surviva 3. Strong feeling; enthusiasm or intensity.
Flirt 1. To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures. 2. To deal playfully
Sexual 1. Of, relating to, involving, or characteristic of sex, sexuality, the
sexes, or the sex organs and their functions. 2. Implying or symbolizing erotic
desires or activity.
Intensity 1. Exceptionally great concentration, power, or force
ADAPTED CHILD
Adapt 1. To make suitable to or fit for a specific use or situation.
Synonyms: Adapt, Accommodate, Adjust, Conform, Fit, Reconcile
The central meaning shared by these verbs is "to make suitable to or
consistent with a particular situation or use ":
I find that the Adapted Child is the most problematic ego-state. Most authority
figures (in real life) prefer Compliance over Rebellion, for a variety of
practical as well as psychological reasons. This is part of the tyranny of
trivialization.
My belief and experience in psychotherapy is that the process of the
Compliant and Rebellious Child is the same -- it is the working out of a
persons (the little person) agreements with themselves and others about
what is fair, what they have to do to survive -- in the ordinary and in
extremis situations.
In psychotherapy, I find that Over-Compliant and Over-Rebellion are about the
same process -- having to adapt to imposed circumstances that are onerous,
demeaning, denigrating, divisive, dis-respectful, and unhealthy -- whether
that is 1st degree, 2nd degree, or 3rd degree, usually 2nd degree.
Care must be taken in differentiating between the Social Level and the
Psychological Level of Compliance and Rebellion. It is often to easy to dismiss
the psychological value of ADAPTATIONS to maintain our own comfort level.
ONE OF THE CHALLENGES OF BEING A THERAPIST, MOM, DAD, BOSS . . .
COMPLIANT CHILD
Compliant 1. Disposed or willing to comply; submissive.
Obedient 1. Dutifully complying with the commands, orders, or instructions
of one in authority. Synonyms: obedient biddable compliant acquiescent
submissive docile amenable tractable These adjectives mean carrying or
willing to carry out the orders, requests, or wishes of another. Obedient
implies acceptance of and submission to authority:
Amenable 1. Responsive to advice, authority, or suggestion; tractable.. 2.
Responsible to higher authority; accountable. 3. Open to testing, criticism, or
judgment
Submit 1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another: 2.
To subject to a condition or process. 1. To give in to the authority, power, or
desires of another. 2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something.
The dictionary definitions here make no inherent value judgment about the
behavior involved or implied. The definitions describe the Social Level of life
and living. The Psychological Process Level of peoples internal behavior, I
believe, significantly drives and determines the outcome at their Social Level.
_____________________________________________________________
Care must be taken in differentiating between the Social Level and the
Psychological Level of Compliance and Rebellion. It is often to easy to dismiss
the psychological value of COMPLIANCE to maintain our own comfort level.
REBELLIOUS CHILD
Rebel 1. To refuse allegiance to and oppose by force an established ruling
authority. 2. To resist or defy an authority or a generally accepted
convention. 3. To feel or express strong unwillingness or repugnance:
1.One who rebels or is in rebellion
Rebellion 1. Open, and organized resistance 2. An act or a show of
defiance toward an authority or established convention.
Resistance 1. The act or an instance of resisting or the capacity to resist.
2. A force that tends to oppose or retard motion.
Defiance 1. The act or an example of defying; bold resistance to an
opposing force or authority. 2. Intentionally contemptuous behavior or
attitude; readiness to contend or resist.
Opposition 1. a. The act of opposing or resisting. b. The condition of being
in conflict; antagonism
The dictionary definitions here make no inherent value judgment about the
behavior involved or implied. The definitions describe the Social Level of life
and living. The Psychological Process Level of peoples internal behavior, I
believe, significantly drives and determines the outcome at their Social Level.
_____________________________________________________________
Care must be taken in differentiating between the Social Level and the
Psychological Level of Compliance and Rebellion. It is often to easy to dismiss
the psychological value of REBELLION to maintain our own comfort level.
TRANSACTIONS
Transactions occur between people, from one ego-state to
another ego-state. A transaction consists of a stimulus and a
response. The stimulus and response may be obvious and
verbal. Some times they are non-verbal and not so obvious.
Because ego-states are neither good nor bad, they have
functional and dysfunctional displays. One clear and simple way
to see the functional and dysfunctional displays is to look at the
PARENT
CHILD
TRANSACTIONS - CROSSED
When any ego-state talks to another and the target ego-state
DOES NOT respond, the transaction is CROSSED. It does not
matter whether the stimulus and response are functional or
dysfunctional.
A common crossed-transaction occurs when a person is asked
a question for information and they take the question as
criticism - they will often cross the transaction with
defensiveness or hostility, and the reverse is true as well.
STIMULUS
(A to A)
(A to A)
(P to C)
(P to C)
(C to P)
RESPONSE
(P to C)
You know I am too busy !
(P to C)
(A to A)
Will you give me 3 examples?
(A to A)
(A to A)
TRANSACTIONS - ULTERIOR
Ulterior transactions show the underlying or hidden agenda that
people have when communicating with each other. People say
the words that you hear and have a hidden intention that you do
not hear.
They also will show certain non-verbal behavior that may have a
common social value but may mean something else because of
the other persons hidden agenda.
Learning about peoples hidden intentions will help avoid
game-playing (in the Transactional Analysis sense of the word
game)
An understanding of ulterior transactions will lead to a good
understanding of games, rackets, the Drama Triangle, the OK
CORRAL, and other ways that we get into trouble with ourselves
and others.
generates the Drama and the painful feelings that occur when
people have hidden agendas, secrets, and then manipulate for
dysfunctional personal advantage.
The problem about being in the Drama Triangle is that people
have NO stable [Parent-Adult] limits on behavior. NO guidance people are out of rational control and do NOT use enough words
to identify the problem or do problem-solving
PERSECUTORS
RESCUERS
VICTIMS
Do less than 50%, wont respond, wont reach out, wont take a stand. Simulates
compliance, (blackmailers - use guilt) Super-Sensitive Wants Kid-Glove treatment,
Pretend impotence and incompetence - but they are not! Their physical appearance often
states their victim position in hair, clothes, posture, speech, scheduling, lack of attention
to detail,- irresponsibility in details that are important to others.
They quit on you! This is one way that they have to use power.
NO LIMITS
Without limits and boundaries, people do not know when to start or stop, when they are done, when
they have gone far enough, or when enough has been said or done. They run on emotional cues, and
feelings and thoughts of entitlement.
Without limits people get involved in endless emotional competition for who is OK and who is NOT
OK. The Drama Triangle struggle for Okness generates power plays of naming, blaming, and
shaming, and emotional competition with no clear functional outcome -- for now or in the future !
The bad feelings that follow will be obvious or subtle and often felt much later than the Drama that
generates them. The Drama is regenerated and repeated. Nobody knows who started it, why it
started, when it started , when it will end, how it will end, and it does not do problem-solving
generation.
2. No confines or restrictions
SECRETS
x
1. Whichever role in the Drama Triangle that you do NOT know
how to do -- on purpose as a procedure -- is the one that you will
get blackmailed and threatened with the most. The other persons
switch between P-R-V is often frightening and confusing for you -because you dont like experiencing that in yourself--and that is
how others use their POWER on you.
2. Two people can NOT say in the same Drama Role for very
long. People unconsciously change Roles in the Drama Triangle
to maintain their illusion of power. If you change Drama Roles on
purpose - as a procedure - you can control yourself and minimize
the damage to both of you when they get stuck in their Drama
and manipulation to maintain power.
3. People have a favorite scripted Role and a favorite scripted
switch to another Role. These are learned and fine-tuned in
childhood and as grown-ups. If you know them, you can avoid
that Dramatic Switch which generates the unpleasant payoff that
follows.
MASTER PRV BY PRACTICING AS A PROCEDURAL SKILL
1-2-3
THE STORIES
x
BELOW IS A STORY ABOUT A FAMILY WITH 2 LEVELS
x
X
THE SOCIAL LEVEL
THAT IS VISIBLE TO OTHER PEOPLE
X
x
AND
x
X
THE PROCESS LEVEL
THAT IS HIDDEN FROM OTHER PEOPLE
X
x
The misery comes from the reality that :
x
x
SECRETS = SUFFERING IN SILENCE
FAMILY - PART 1
Father
Child -
Terry -
Mother
Child -
Billy -
DAD - John has worked at an automotive parts house for 12 years and has been promoted to
manager. He is having some trouble with the responsibility of supervising the other employees and
managing the parts house. He has been drinking a six-pak or two for years most nights after work.
He is supercritical of people's performance at work and drives himself to higher and higher
production goals. As a result he is more irritable at home and has begun hitting his wife, again, when
he is drunk.
MOM - Mary works part-time as a waitress. The money she earns goes toward getting extra things
for the children--such as new clothes for school and presents for holidays and special occasions. She
suffers from migraines and sometimes has to call in sick. She married John because he was strong
and protective but John has little patience with her migraines because he has never missed a day of
work in his life and Mary tends to "complain about small stuff a lot anyway". When John took Mary
to the hospital--for the birth of their first born Terry--John had been drinking and had an accident.
The accident resulted in the near death of Mary and the child.
CHILD - Terry--now in high school--is getting low grades and is a discipline problem. Terry has
begun using drugs more and more and has moved into using harder drugs and has begun to mix
alcohol with the drug usage. Terry has been promised a job by a friend's father at twice minimum
wage, working at typesetting in a print shop. Even though Terry likes math and history, Terry
desperately wants to quit school, get married, and go to work. Although he knows Terry has been
involved 3 times with the police for juvenile scrapes, the owner of the print shop has faith in Terry.
John -
Age 36
Age 17
Mary -
Age 33
Age 15
CHILD - Billy may be described as a "model child". Never a problem at home or at school. Billy
gets good grades and takes part in extra activities at school. Billy likes arts, crafts and drama and
spends a lot of time at home quietly doing projects in the bedroom. Billy even has a small chemistry
lab and likes to do special projects for extra credit at school.
THE PROBLEM - Push has finally come to shove--Terry has been picked up for selling cocaine at
school. Terry's probation officer has come by the house with Terry in tow and is talking to mother
when father comes home. Dad has had to fire an employee today for pilfering auto parts. Dad had to
answer to the regional office manager who chewed him out for not keeping track of inventory better.
Dad has stopped off for a couple of "quick ones" to dull the pain.
FAMILY - PART 2
Father
Child -
Terry -
Mother
Child -
Billy -
DAD - John was beaten by his alcoholic father on a regular basis. John had a big fight with his
father at 14, left home and finished high school living at a friend's home. When John got his first job
he proudly told his dad. His fathers only comment was "You have more on the ball than that". Two
days before the birth of their first child John had visited his father in an attempt to build a new tie
with the coming birth of a grandchild. John's father was drunk and struck John and told him he was
not interested in any grandchildren that he would have and besides he had married a "damaged"
woman who was beneath him.
MOM - Mary , the oldest, had to care for her brothers and sisters when her father died and her
mother went to work as a waitress. After mother remarried, Mary continued to be responsible for the
other children, with mother's encouragement, allowing mother to have more time with her new
husband. Mary was molested by her stepfather and an uncle between 7 and 12 years of age. She
married to get away from home but is still fearful of men--even though she married John because he
is big, strong, and protective. John has now turned out to be mean, critical and possessive. She wants
to go to junior college to study secretarial courses to better herself, but she keeps spending the
money on the children to "give them what I never had". Being a waitress is OK because she is "in
charge" and likes serving people, but going to school and being a student is fearful for her. Although
her husband has beaten her on several occasions she feels that he is basically a good man and that
sometimes she goads him into it.
John -
Age 36
Age 17 FEMALE
Mary -
Age 33
Age 15 MALE
CHILD - Terry, angry depressed, laid awake nights listening to dad's drunken ravings, angry fights
with mom which included some violence. When Terry came to the aid of mom, dad would turn on
Terry--then things got worse. Terry feels hopeless to change things. Terry was born with a mild form
of dyslexia and part of the school problem is traceable to this problem of seeing letters inverted
and/or backwards. Only recently diagnosed, it has been an unknown source of frustration for Terry.
Terry was frequently told by father that "You're dumb, stupid and no damn good, and never will be".
CHILD - Billy is suicidal, and, unlike Terry, Billy decided to "keep the nose to the grindstone" and
ignore the family hassles. As the years rolled by Billy became better and better at hiding feelings.
Billy now has two lives--a social facade of success, accomplishment, and sociability--and a private
life internally which is preoccupied with thoughts of suicide. At 15 Billy is having great trouble
dealing with the demands of growing sexuality, and the social demands of getting along with peers
but not having a decent model of how to deal with feelings. With nobody to confide in at home, Billy
is feeling "wound up like a spring". Billy has been recently experimenting with different chemicals
of lethal capability, secretly experimenting on the neighborhood cats and dogs.
END EXAMPLES
SOME DYSFUNCTIONAL
D R AM AT I C R U LE S
FOR TALKING AND MAKING PROBLEMS WORSE
1. ARGUE LOUDLY
2. INTERRUPT FREQUENTLY
3. VALUE ONLY YOUR OPINIONS & FEELINGS
4. TELL THEM - NEVER ASK FOR INFORMATION
5. TAKE IT ALL EMOTIONALLY AND PERSONALLY
6. REMEMBER - YOU CAN DO THIS FOREVER
TALK FOR HOURS AND HOURS - LOUD AND HOT
x
TALK-FIGHT-EXHAUSTION-TALK-FIGHT-EXHAUSTION
"you
"I
deserve
.
"I
should
have
.
"I
do
not
have
"I
should
not
"I
am
"I am entitled to . . . "x
owe
.
.
to
.
.
do
have
above
(you
(you
should
.
.
.
to
.
doing
X
PROCESS
INVISIBLE
inside
CONTENT - VISIBLE - seen/heard in our behavior
our
head,
do
not
(you
.
heart,
me"
not)
have)
do)
.
that"
gut
X
If you cannot determine whether other people have a clear sense
of entitlement about some issue, then look at their behavior
-- over time -- to observe their habitual use of the OK CORRAL
positions, where they are in the DRAMA TRIANGLE, and what
EGO-STATES: that they use, -- over time --.
Habitual use will establish a pattern. When you know patterns and have studied more
TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS THEORY, you can get into trouble ---or--- stay out of
trouble with equal skill.
X
AN INTERESTING AND VALUABLE SKILL ALL BY ITSELF !
The OK CORRAL
X
Example:
Al: Hi! Bob! Good to see you!
Bob: Yeah, good to see you too!
Hey, I want to talk to you a minute now, if you have it.
Al: Sorry, Bob. Theres a meeting down the hall I have
to get to. Maybe later in the day, though, we can do it.
Okay? (Leaving).
In this encounter, Al is operationally-concluding
the event by getting-away-from Bob.
(Note also that from Bobs view he is, in effect, getting-rid-of Al.)
SOURCE: TAJ 1:4, October 1971
Example:
Al: Well, Bob, the papers here look like they are all
in order and clear. Ill sign here and you sign right
over here!, OK?
Bob: OK! Thanks! We can get this new distribution working
by three days from now!
X
Example:
Bob: Hey, Al, will you sign this paper for me right away?
I got to hurry up and get it down to the boss.
(A reasoned (temporary style) GNW resolution is in the)
X
Al: Oh, hey, Bob. Let me think on it a little while first.
I wont be able to do it right now.
X
Al was not ready yet to get somewhere with Bob. I-am-not-OK-with-myself-to-handleit-now-and-you-are-not-OK
-with-me-yet-as-far-as-settling-this-item-one-way-or-another.
XX
SOURCE: TAJ 1:4, October 1971
X
X
Example:
X
X
Al Well, lets see. I think that covers all the points we had to go over here at staff
conference, today. I see the time is up for this meeting. Good to have met with you. We
will be getting together again here next week. See you then. Good-bye for now.
GET-AWAY-FROM GET-ON-WITH
GET-NOWHERE-WITH
You can choose how you want a situation to come out before the end of it. Not all events
can end in a get-on-with. To have a get-on-with for some events you can choose for
others to come out in one of the other three ways.
GET-RID-OF
One persons
GOW
is
anothers GOW
One persons
GAF is
One persons
GRO
is
One persons
GNW
is
"you
"I
deserve
.
"I
should
have
.
"I
do
not
have
"I
should
not
"I
am
"I am entitled to . . . "x
owe
.
.
to
.
.
do
have
above
(you
(you
should
.
.
.
to
.
doing
do
not
(you
.
me"
not)
have)
do)
.
that"
PROCESS
INVISIBLE
inside
CONTENT - VISIBLE - seen/heard in our behavior
our
head,
heart,
gut
Habitual use will establish a pattern. When you know patterns and have studied more
TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS THEORY, you can get into trouble ---or--- stay out of
trouble with equal skill.
AN INTERESTING AND VALUABLE SKILL ALL BY ITSELF !
SOCIAL OPERATION:
SOCIAL OPERATION:
GET-AWAY-FROM
GET-ON-WITH
SOCIAL PROCESS:
DEVOLUTION
SOCIAL PROCESS:
EVOLUTION
SOCIAL DISPLAY:
SOBBER - HELPLESS
SOCIAL DISPLAY:
SOLVER - HAPPY
SOCIAL ACTIVITY
TRUANT - RUNAWAY
SOCIAL ACTIVITY
WINNER - BE THE BEST
GAF
GOW
GNW
GRO
SOCIAL OPERATION:
SOCIAL OPERATION:
GET-NOWHERE-WITH
GET-RID-OF
SOCIAL PROCESS:
OBVOLUTION
SOCIAL PROCESS:
REVOLUTION
SOCIAL DISPLAY:
SULKER - HOPELESS
SOCIAL DISPLAY:
SOCKER - HATEFUL
SOCIAL ACTIVITY
SOCIAL ACTIVITY
CRUSADER
PAYOFF: EMBARRASSED
TIME: PASS
GAF
GOW
GNW
GRO
PAYOFF: HUMILIATED
TIME: KILL
2 OK OPTIONS
2 OK CHOICES
2 OK VALUES
When I was training to become a therapist I was told, Lewis, you think too
much, you should feel more! So I was offered the forced choice of FEEL
more and THINK less -- to become a mentally healthy person!
(That has never made good sense to me - mental health instruction not
withstanding - that a person has to give up something to get something. I
have always experienced change and growth as an additive process. The
dysfunctional process most often shrinks for lack of attention as adding in
the new functional process and procedure adds comfort.)
Now I have the forced choice of FEEL or THINK. So I place an X on the
line between the two choices (required of me) where I experience myself
most of the time.
(this is an intuitive guesstimate - this is not a test)
THINKING was encouraged as a child, FEELING was not.
THINKING served me a child, expressing FEELING did not.
THINKING was more comfortable, as a child, than FEELING
THINKING was safe, FEELINGS, as a child were dangerous
This is not about right or wrong, but an awareness exercise for me about
my balance with THINK / FEEL as a child, and now as a grown-up.
So I place an X where I find a personal balance point about how much I
estimate that THINKING actually does run my life and how much FEELING
actually does run my life, on average, for the past year or two.
THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE So, being a good student, I then hurry toward
FEELING, running away from
THINKING. This, of course, produces some not inconsiderable discomfort
(read scared-as-hell"), because I like THINKING, I am good at it, and that
FEELINGS were not supported or encouraged or nourished in my family,
as a child.
(dangerous-dont go there-Oh, damn, I have to, I want to be a therapist)
So I make a choice closer to FEEL, to experiment with how feelings can
add value to my life, now that I am grown-up and I am told that I need a new
balance about feelings / thinking.
- BUT Finding FEELINGS in a relationship is scary
Having fun with someone who FEELS is scary
Identifying problems about FEELINGS is hard to do
Solving problems about FEELINGS is even harder
Having FEELINGS, not thinking about them, is scary
Learning about FEELINGS is feeling not thinking
They say I SHOULD find value in paying attention to my feelings.
So now I place an X where I might find a personal balance point about how
much THINKING should run my life and how much FEELING should, or at
least, could run my life. (They [professional mental health people] said . . . )
I am still not very comfortable or very familiar with doing that much FEELING
so I run back to my original choice of my COMFORT ZONE X which
produces more thinking and less feeling - fine!.
Based on my childhood experience this makes sense and certainly the
safest and most secure for me. (Although it may not be the most productive
and problematic for a therapist -They said!)
The problem, however, is that my childhood decisions do not always work
well now that I am a grown-up. I am not defending myself against my family
anymore -- except perhaps in my head or when I make other people into
family by experiencing them like :
You are judgmental just like my Mom
You are explosive, just like my Dad
You are mean-spirited just like my Sister
You are cruel just like my Brother
(everywhere I go I find me, and my mom, and my dad, and my . . .)
So I have an X where I find a personal balance point about how much
THINKING does run my life and how much FEELING does run my life, on the
average, for the last year or two. (Same old X)
THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE BUT now I add a 3rd choice to modify the forced choice.
This gives me a
new option to consider. But I do not have to (real or imaginary) ABANDON
FOREVER MY SAFETY of my thinking in favor of feeling because somebody
told me to do it. (real or imaginary-struggle for emotional comfort is still a
control struggle)
Now I draw another leg of a triangle with DO. This is for behavior -- what I
DO about my thinking and what I DO about my feelings. How my behavior
influences those two parts of my personality.
(homework about behavior now becomes the issue for making small
changes without major emotional threat -- small starts are good -- too much
means people quit and lose even small gains)
Then I place another X between THINK and DO where I
think-feel-believe-experience that I balance DOING with THINKING, not just
with the forced choice of FEELING. (this is easier and fun)
I like doing stuff and I enjoy thinking and planning equally, and I do it well.
So I have an X where I have found a personal balance point about how
much THINKING does run my life and how much DOING does run my life, on
average, for the last year or two
THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE Now I have the last X between DO and
FEEL to make an
estimate of how I think - feel - believe - experience that DO and
FEEL balance out , on average over a couple of years.
I like doing stuff and I have some trouble with direct experience
of emotions so the placement of the X favors the DO end of
the line, just like I do THINK - FEEL placement.
With this third issue to soften the competition I now have a new
picture that is not about competition, but is about how :
I relate to 3 things, without having to give up any one of them
I can share with another with my new found options
I can share in a relationship with new comfort
Emotional security, and comfort are foundations for change.
These provide enormous security for me in being able to explore,
question, challenge, and test, to enjoy my change and growth
with a lot of emotional comfort and freedom.
And without the emotionally forced choice of only 2 options
Now I draw a line between the Xs and fill in the area to make it
stand out clearly. Now I have three areas generated by my
choices. What do the different sized ?mark triangles mean ?
Is the largest area an opportunity for growth or a problem? Are
they in balance ? Is that OK, normal, healthy? Does it matter NO ! Use it to generate new perspective and comfort.
What is the meaning for me ? New ideas and questions now.
For me, I now have these 6 OPTIONS - NOT 2 for exploring :
Thinking about my feelings
Thinking about my behavior
Behavior based on feelings
Behavior based on thinking
Feelings about my thinking
Feelings about my behavior
New meaning does not always come easily, nor does it often
come quickly. I have done this exercise for many years on
paper and with people a - way to generate new choices. I now
use it in my head to find THE WAY OUT when in conflict.
Character especially emphasizes moral and ethical qualities: Education has for its
object the formation of character.
BEGINNING IDEAS
red
coffeetea
INTERMEDIATE IDEAS
avoidance
self
couple
family
us
me
ADVANCED IDEAS
compliance confront
lover soul-mate
business
burden
beneft
prestige
power
pay
equipment organization
yellow
coercion
friend
picking a partner
hospital decisions
job desires
morale
CHILDREN LEARN BY
EXAMPLE AND PRACTICE
WE DISPLAY SWEATSHIRTS
WITH A SLOGAN ON THEM