Michael Tedesco

SPED 708

Collaborative Skills Assignment

Book

Review
Part I: Summary
I Dont Want To Be Crazy documents the college career of author
Samantha. Having just finished high school, Samantha is a young woman who is
excited to experience freedom and independence for the first time. It is here where
Samantha discovers that she suffers from anxiety disorder, which makes her prone
to seemingly random panic attacks. The book is written as a poetry memoir; it is
through these stanzas that Samantha describes her relationships, friendships,
college experiences, home life, and the internal struggle that exists only inside her
own mind. Samantha goes through a tumultuous journey through which she often
tries to discover what is wrong with her. Ultimately, however, she begins to
understand that her disability is a part of her, although it does not necessarily
define her.
The poetry memoir form that the book takes lends to the unique way in which
Samantha Schutz frames her story. The book is written chronologically, in five
parts, and gives us the sense that we are moving through her four years of college
with her. Yet, the stanzas vary in size and in content, which in effect creates
somewhat of a disjointedness to the book as a whole. I believe the author tried to
create this dichotomy of order and randomness, as a general metaphor for how
anxiety functions as a disability. Anxiety attacks and the general worrying that
accompanies the disorder can occur randomly, at almost any time; it does not
concern itself with the chronology or progression of life. The author intends to show
that anxiety is messy and disorderly, despite the individuals attempt to reign their
anxiety with medicine, therapy, or other solutions.
Part II: How the Individual with Disability is Portrayed
Samantha Schutz portrays herself as someone who is internally conflicted.
As she experiences a panic episode, oftentimes the people around her do not realize
she is experiencing it. Yet, in her own mind, she believes that she experiences,
abnormal breathing, strange time syncs, and noise amplification. Her disability
often leads to her feeling confused an overwhelmed by her environment, for

example in especially noisy, crowded places like dining halls or especially quiet
places like classrooms. This internal conflict creates a constant struggle that often
leaves Samantha exhausted and, as she claims, too tired to deal with life.
Particularly highlighted by her classroom and public behavior, Samantha
portrays herself as a person who does not want to be the center of attention.
The fear that accompanies her anxiety causes her to feel self-conscious that people
make recognize her crazy. This fear, which one of her therapists calls fight or
flight, creates a situation for Samantha in which she seeks refuge from herself,
often contributing to her introversion and her difficulty socializing with people
normally. Samantha describes herself as having somewhat of an awareness that
her fears and anxieties are irrational, but often cannot tell if what she is
experiencing is real or imagined.
Thirdly, Samantha notes that her anxiety disorder makes her feel that she
has no control. She states that this feeling follows me, everywhere I go. It clings
to me, makes my skin crawl, makes my skin burn when I walk across campus, when
I check books out of the library, when I talk to my friends. It sits with me in class,
whispers in my ear, tells me that I shouldnt be here (38, 39). This experience of
losing control of her body, that somehow her body is in control instead of her, is an
important portrayal of anxiety disorder that the author relates to the reader. In
other sections of the book, she expresses that she needs to feel grounded, and that
often her anxiety attacks leave her feeling off balance and not in control. On the
roof of a building in New York City, for example, she describes the feeling of wanting
to jump, and although she does not want to jump, she feels her body will betray her.
Samantha believes that she cannot trust her body and what it tells her, and
ultimately returns to the safety of her bed (129, 130).
Lastly, Samantha illustrates herself as an individual who is able to
empathize with others who are dealing with similar disabilities. The most
profound example in the book is when she befriends Ann, the girlfriend of one of her
exes, and at a party sees Ann experience a panic attack. Samantha and Ann bond
over the episode, and they end up providing one another with a strong support
system for future episodes. I think that Samantha includes this story in order to
show that those who deal with disability often know their struggle very well, and

therefore are able to understand and assist those who share their difficulties. It
highlights individuals with disabilities as potentially some of the best allies for
others who share in the struggle of similar disabilities.
Part III: How Normal is Depicted in the Text
Samantha often expresses a sadness and slight envy for not being able to
live normally. On several occasions, she describes normal as the ability to live
everyday life without care. This thought comes to her as she witnesses a child
spinning around; when she sees her friends dancing at a party, as if they do not
care who watches them; seeing her friend Rebecca out to dinner and conversing
with friends in Provence. In these moments, she appreciates the happiness and
carelessness they seem to exude, and feels guilt that she cannot experience life in
the same way. This description of normal makes sense for a woman like Samantha,
whose anxiety disorder forces her to constantly examine herself and worry about
how she is perceived by others.
Another major theme of normalcy in the way that Samantha describes love.
In her mind, normalcy is depicted as being person who can find love and be loved.
Much of the book discusses Samanthas various college flings. Her search for
someone with whom she can share intimacy highlights how love plays an important
role in making someone feel normal and accepted. Her longing to have Nate, Jason,
and others communicate with her, as well as seeing her friends in romantic
relationships, increases her anxiety, as she feels that she is inadequate because of
her disability and cannot be loved.
Normalcy is also described as doing what is expected. Most of the
discussion of normalcy revolves around the expectations put upon her by her
parents. For example, when Samantha reveals her disability to her parents, they
react negatively and ask the rhetorical question, How could you have problems?
(62-63). The parents see disability as something that only happens to abnormal
people who do not grow up in a stable home life. These parents have an unreal
expectation is that Samantha should have no problems, given all that the parents
have provided her. This causes Samantha to doubt her actions when she does
something unexpected, such as getting strange braided hairstyles or French

haircuts. It creates fear that Samantha will be judged as abnormal and not
approved by others.
Medicine-free life is also seen as normal. One of the ongoing themes of the
book is the description of medications that Samantha takes to attempt a return to
normal. She expresses that, although she is unsure as to whether medicine actually
has made her better, she is nervous about life without medication (122). The
dependence on medication is directly linked to her feeling sick; it is only when she is
off the medication that she feels my life has gone back to normal (137). Medicine
is associated as being the cure for the disability and a return to normalcy, but for
anyone who has experienced mental illness directly or indirectly, this is often not
the case.
One final anecdote that discusses normalcy involves one of her school trip
coordinators telling a story about how he used to suffer panic attacks, but he grew
out of them (167). The implication here is that disability is viewed as a passing
phase that can be considered insignificant. Panic is just a normal part of growing
up, and it will eventually fade. The statement implies that it is abnormal if one
suffers anxiety for their entire lives. Hence, it labels the sufferer as abnormal and
inferior. Rightfully, this anecdote angers Samantha, who certainly does not want to
be labeled as abnormal. The anecdote simplifies her disability, and therefore
devalues it. Samantha and others who have anxiety disorder look at the disorder as
something that is an important, albeit difficult, part of who they are.
Part IV: The Message About Disability/Ability
The primary message about anxiety disorder, the disability discussed in this
text, is that disability is not something that simply goes away. Those who have
disabilities understand that it is a part of them, but that the disability itself does not
have to define you as a person. Even though there are medical definitions of what
they have- schizophrenia, agoraphobia, panic disorder (49-51), those with disability
are often looking for ways to live comfortably with their disorder, instead of
eliminate it entirely. Another message that this text conveys is that you are not
alone in your suffering. You are not the only one who cries, hurts, or even has
disability or mental illness. These struggles are more common than they appear;
because talking about them is still taboo in our culture, there are many silent

sufferers. The author wrote her book with the hope that her story would inspire
others to be more open about their struggles, and even offers advice to those
struggling in her books epilogue. Along this notion, the final message the author
gives is encouragement to find your support systems. As the owner of your
disability, you are the best judge- not your family, friends, doctors, teachers- of who
and what can help you.
Part V: Concerns and Thoughts For Teachers Using the Text
The material talked about in this book are of a sensitive nature. There is talk
of suicide, eating disorders, sexual harassment, sexual relationships, and other
subjects that might not normally be discussed in classrooms (especially younger
ones). I would personally recommend this book for high school level (at least 10 th
grade). Perhaps I am being a bit conservative here, but I would simply use
discretion and know the group of students with whom you are sharing this book.
Secondly (and this may be a bit of a reach), but having experienced anxiety
myself, I know that reading about others having anxiety can end up causing
yourself to have anxious thoughts. This kind of self-projection can be an issue when
some students, who are still very malleable, read a text like this. It is important to
help your students through any anxieties that might surface while and after reading
a text like this. Students who have anxiety disorders will possibly want to come
out of the anxiety closet after reading this book. Having school resources available
to handle student emotions will be vital.