Sentient

A publication addressing the need for an elevated

consciousness

Questions to explore
in this edition:
Does faith sustain
the grieving?
Whats involved in
the grieving
process?
How can you best
support someone

August 2015
Edition

Grief

Table of Contents
Editors Note by

Sandy Florence

Editors Note
.. Page 2
3
Grief A Personal Memoir....
Page 4 6
Faith Sustains During Grieving
Profile of Larry R Florence
Page 7 10
Supporting Those Grieving
Are you helping or Hurting...
.Page 10 13
Understand How to Support the Grieving.
..Page 14 17
This edition is written and produced by our Editor, Sandy Florence.

Special thanks to the Hutchison foundation for a generous

donation that allows us to produce this edition free of
advertisement.

My friends and family questioned my

sanity when I decided to take 3 classes this
semester. The response I heard most often
was WHY??? I have a successful career that
affords me many luxuries and I did it with a
high school education. However, its always
bothered me that I didnt get a college

degree. So here I am, summer semester in

English 2010.
We were assigned to do a magazine layout
showcasing the body of our work this
semester. The contents of this magazine
represent hours of writing and revisions.
Our professor asked us to focus on one
topic/issue (rhetorical opportunity) for all
our writing assignments. Specifically, we
were instructed that it could not be
something huge, explosive, and/or
controversial. Unfortunately, most things
that Im interested in fell in that category. I
was frankly stumped about what my topic
would be. The moment of truth came with
the assignment to write a Flash Memoir. I
had to pick a topic and it needed to be
connected to a personal memory. I
ultimately chose to write about an
experience with my Mom shortly after the
death of my son.
Initially, I was so focused on completing
the flash memoir, I didnt give enough
thought as to how the issue I chose would
play with various future assignments. This

became apparent with my second

assignment which was to write a profile of
someone connected to the chosen issue. My
flash memoir had focused on the interactions
I had with people in the grieving process
that made the experience more difficult. I
felt like I was now faced with finding
someone that had a similar experience and I
had 3 days to get it done.
I knew a lady that had lost a child many
years ago and I thought she would be a good
choice to interview. But, it had been so long
since her daughter passed that she couldnt
really remember interactions with people
afterward. I found myself stumped again.
Who was I going to interview?
I ultimately settled on the idea of
contrasting my former husbands grieving
experience with mine. In 30 years of
marriage we never discussed the difference
in my experiences, after our son passed
away, and his. He graciously agreed to speak
with me about the topic. My first rendition,
was very rough. I knew it wasnt where I
wanted it to be, but I had to submit it to meet
the deadline. Immediately after submission,
I continued to revise and revise and revise.
At first, I was so focused on painting a
picture of Larry, it read more like a life story
than someone connected to my rhetorical
opportunity. I wasnt completely satisfied
with the paper when I submitted it, but
again, I was out of time. Its probably a
good thing that we had fixed deadlines;
otherwise, I would probably still be revising
my first assignment.
A few weeks passed and we were asked to
revise two of our assignments. I chose the
profile and memoir. It seemed to help that

time had passed since I completed the

profile. Looking at it with fresh eyes, I
could see that my introduction needed to do
a better job of connecting my chosen topic
and I definitely needed to write a stronger
conclusion. I also removed some of the
detail in the body that didnt really have an
impact on the logos. I added more
references and ultimately feel good about
the finished product.
The second most challenging assignment
this semester was when I had to choose to
write an evaluation, proposal or position
argument. This is the point that I really felt
like my chosen topic haunted me. My topic
was not well suited to an evaluation. I could
not figure out how to make an evaluative
claim about a specific performance related
to my issue. So evaluation was out. I was
then left with a position argument or
proposal. It seemed the only obvious
argument or proposal to make surrounding
my issue was that people should become
more educated about how to deal with a
loved one in the grieving process. I prepared
a power-point. The end result was more
educational than a fitting response to the
assignment. When I submitted the draft, my
peer reviewer couldnt tell what type of
piece it was. That was clearly a problem. I
scrapped the whole thing and wrote a text
based argument that felt like it more closely
matched the criteria for a position argument.

The most challenging assignment this

semester is the requirement to completely
change one of my papers using some type of
multimedia and prepare a magazine layout.
I took time off work and tried to figure out
several types of applications. In tears, after
hours of fruitless effort, I am down to the
wire again. Ive had to revert to a program I
know. Ive prepared the magazine
assignment in Word and will be going back
to PowerPoint for my translation. I live 850
miles away, so heading to the college for
assistance is not an option.
In terms of pure composition, the most
challenging aspect of writing about my issue
was in logos. If I had chosen a different
topic, I think it would have been easier to
create a logical appeal with well-supported
arguments. The pathos came easy. My
topic lent itself to an emotional appeal that
stirred the readers feelings. Most peer
reviews included positive comments on the
ethos; however, it was a constant balance to
keep the emotional appeal in check to
maintain credibility.
My educational journey this semester
started because I felt a sudden desire to
finish my degree. I turn 55 this year and I
realize the clock is ticking. This has been
tougher than I could have imagined, both
exhausting and rewarding. My friends and
family are still questioning my sanity. Truth
be told, in this moment, Im questioning it as
well.

Grief
A Personal
Memoir
By

Sandy Florence

When your child dies, the pain and devastation of the loss can feel overpowering. It is
profoundly more difficult to deal with when you must endure expectations of others as you
grieve.
I vividly recall sitting on the coach in my
living room, feeling nothing. The house could have
burned down around me and I wouldnt have cared. If
you knew me, you would understand this state of
mind was completely opposite of my normal
behavior. My husband gently reminded me that I had
two other children that needed me. I love them with
all my heart, but in that moment, I couldnt make
myself feel. It felt impossible to get up and feed
them.
I would spend the next several months figuring out how to feel again. Along the way,
well-meaning friends and family would imply and many times tell me directly what I should be
thinking, doing or in their estimation, how I should feel. None of whom had ever lost a child. I
put on a brave face and tried to live up to their collective expectations.
In contemplative moments, I close my eyes and hear their voices; You need to move on, you
can have more children., Hes in a better place now., If you live righteously, you will see him
again., I would never have been able to remove his life support, it must be hard to live with
that decision., You need to snap out of it, your kids need a home cooked meal., We didnt
invite you because youre not ready., When was the last time you did laundry?, You should
be grateful he is not in pain anymore., Your insurance will not cover the charges on the day

Joshua died., He is in a better place., You need to get out of the house get some fresh air
youll feel better., Honey, please get out of bed.
A couple of months after my sons death, my Mom insisted that I attend my cousins baby
shower in Idaho. She was certain it would be good for me. The last thing I wanted to do was
celebrate the birth of someone elses child, the pain of my loss was still so raw. I felt very guilty
for feeling that way. Even when I wasnt in a fragile state, I had a difficult time choosing a
course that went against my Moms wishes. I didnt have the capacity to tell her no, so I went. I
did my very best to put on a happy face. I sat in a room full of joyful people; yet felt so alone. I
couldnt bear it. With tears swelling in my eyes, I asked my Mom if we could leave early. No
dear, it will be good for you to be around people that love you. It wasnt good for me. It hurt
and I wasnt ready. I went outside for a bit, but it didnt help. I mustered all the strength and
courage I could and told my Mom that I would ride back to UT with someone else, because I was
leaving. I lived my life trying to please my Mom; yet at 23 years old, she could still elicit a
childlike obedience to whatever she asked me to do. My Mom had been one of the most critical
of how I handled the stages of my mourning. She had strong opinions about what I should be
doing, thinking and feeling. I hated disappointing my Mom and I rarely went against her wishes.
Yet in that moment, at that baby shower, I knew that I
needed to be somewhere else. I knew what was best
for me and I gave myself permission to decide. It was
the beginning of healing.
From that moment on, I grieved my way. I didnt try
to act happy when I wasnt. I cried when I needed to.
I stayed in bed when I wanted to. If I didnt feel like
dealing with prying questions from well-meaning
church members, I didnt go to church. I mustered
the courage to stand up to the bullies in the billing
department at the Childrens hospital and hired an
attorney. I accepted that the friends that abandoned
me when I wasnt at my best, were not really friends
at all. I got a prescription to help me sleep. I learned
to let go of the guilt of allowing the medical
professionals to remove my son from life support. I forgave the doctors that determined he had
brain damage - when he didnt. I stopped going into his room expecting him to be in the empty
crib. Ultimately, I let go of what would never be.
The Compassionate Friends organization, produced a brochure, Understanding Grief
When a Child Dies. It states: Every individual will process grief in their own unique way
There is no right or wrong way to grieve Dont let others expectations be a guideline for
your progress. (Understanding Grief When a Child Dies) This is an important message for anyone for
anyone grieving and especially for those that love someone grieving.

Debra M Bath, from the School of Psychology at Griffith University states; Research has
consistently reported that social support from family, friends, and colleagues is an important
factor in the bereaved persons ability to cope after the loss of a loved one. (Bath 869) Prior to my
sons death, I never considered what the role of an emotional caregiver should be when dealing
with someone grieving. Probably not many people do. Sheryl Sandberg shares a thought about
social support: When in the position of wanting to help a friend or loved one in grief, often
times our first desire is to try to fix the situation, when in all actuality our good intentions can
lead to nothing but more grief. (Sandberg and Kubler-Ross) Most of my friends and family wanted
to fix things for me, but no one could save me from the process of grieving. They felt helpless so
they tried to fill the space with words. Many felt compelled to say something anything.
Sometimes, saying nothing and giving a hug is the best comfort and support you can offer to
someone dealing with the pain of loss.
I know in my heart that those that made my bereavement journey more difficult had the
best of intentions. Years later, I am able to feel again. Healing was slow, but I rebuilt myself,
accepted what I couldnt change and learned to forgive. The loss was crushing, but Im whole
again. Not the same, better. Joshuas
birthstone is on my finger, his memory is
safely tucked away in my heart and I renew my
commitment every day to live in such a way
that I can be with him again.

Work Cited
Bath, Debra M. "Predicting Social Support for
Grieving Persons: A Theory of Planned
Behavior Perspectvie." Death Sudies
Volume 33, Issuer 10 (2009): 869-889.
Beckerde, Frank. Baby Feet. Pixabay. Baby
feet-402844_640. Unknown, 2014.
Photo.
Sandberg, Sheryl and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
"Best & Worst Things to Say." n.d.
Grief.com. 31 July 2015.
"Understanding Grief When a Child Dies."
2014. Compassionate Friends.
Brochure. 26 July 2015.
Unknown. Alone on a Couch. freeimages.com. 374719183_8ab6f9_q. Boston, 2011. Photo.
Unknown. Grief. freeimages.com. 6471148825_e5bf80d15c_q. Seattle, 2009. Photo.
Van, Alex. Woman in Bed. Pixabay. Woman-506120_640. Unknow, 2014. Photo.

Faith Sustains during Grieving

Profile of Larry R Florence
By Sandy Florence
On February 16, 1983, Larry found himself thrust into the miracle of birth. An event that
ought to be filled with excitement and giddy anticipation, instead, it was riddled with anxiety.
His tiny and only son Joshua, born three months too early, was rushed to the neonatal intensive
care unit at McKay Dee Hospital. He stood stoically in the freezing cold operating room, so
many thoughts rushing through his mind. He was certainly concerned about his fragile newborn,
but also completely attentive to me, his wife. He uttered a little prayer for us all. Larrys faith
would be key in his ability to handle the aftermath of a son born too soon.
Larry was a wonderful husband and father. We were married for 30 years and in a
wicked twist of fate find ourselves divorced. Thats a story for a different day, but today, Larry
has agreed to discuss a topic that we seldom spoke of. The death of our son.
Larry grew up in a small town in Utah. According to his mom, he was the son every mom
dreams of. Obedient, kind and always willing to help her and others. He was the gentle
peacemaker, middle child, with two brothers and one sister. Both he and his family were very
devoted to their religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. His deep seated faith
in the principles of the gospel, appeared to be present as a very early age.

Larry was part of a large, extended family that for generations were very strict in the
observance of their faith. He loved the Sabbath Day, it refueled him for the other six days of the
week. He diligently studied the Bible and Book of Mormon. The religious beliefs found in these
books, he considered sacred, were the keystone for his life. His relationship with his Heavenly
Father and Jesus Christ were of primary importance to him. He knew he wanted to serve a
mission for the church from a very young age and would ultimately serve for 2 years in the
Canada Calgary mission. He loved it and would go back in a heartbeat. Once he returned, he
was laser focused on finding a wife. More than anything, he wanted to start a family.
Finding his sweetheart would take him longer than he expected. After a failed
engagement to the once high school cheerleader and dating steadily for 5 years, he asked me on a
date. We spent every day together. Twenty two days later he proposed and I said yes. I was a
quiet, eighteen year old that enjoyed being swept off my feet. He was a very mature, confident,
26 year old anxious to be a husband and father. We were married on March Praying Hands 2,
1979, three months after our first date.
A short 3 months later, I found myself pregnant and on the same day learned that I had a
malignant tumor which spread from my pancreas to my liver. Larry sat stalwart as the doctor
explained that the tumor must be removed and reluctantly gave me a dismal 10 percent chance of
making it through the surgery. I wept, but Larry said a personal prayer and emerged with quiet
confidence. He was certain I would be fine. He gave me a priesthood blessing and with
conviction declared that I not only would I live a long and prosperous life, our daughter would be
born healthy and live a vibrant life as well. He was inspired on both accounts.
Our third child, Joshua, was born too soon. He
spent the
first
week
of
his
life
in
the

neonatal
intensive
care unit at McKay Dee Hospital. The doctors would ultimately decide that he
needed to be at Primary Childrens Hospital. At a week old, 2 pounds 11 ounces,
Joshua squeezed Larrys finger before they put him in the life flight helicopter.
Larry recalls; I felt so helpless watching them take him away.

Our baby boy was a valiant little fighter. He needed help to breath, but didnt seem to
want to accept it. He fought the respirator, trying to breath on his own. The ventilator was his
life force, but it was also damaging his lungs and dragging his life away. The doctors suggested
a new type of machine, but since it was in the test phase, we
agreed to stipulations, one of which was that if he didnt
make it, they could do an
Life flight helicopter with Joshua
autopsy.
A few weeks later, Larry received a call from the
hospital. Joshua wasnt getting enough oxygen, and his brain
was damaged. Larry hung up the phone, devastated he
dropped to his knees crying. It was one of very few times in
30 years I would see Larry cry. Larry remembers; I felt
helpless, I knew I needed my Heavenly Fathers help. He
prayed for comfort.

Joshua at Primary Children's Hospital

At the hospital, we were invited to wait in a stark,

white, sterile room where we were told to wait for the doctor. Larry recollects; The wait was
agonizing. The doctor arrived 35 minutes later and explained that Joshua should be
disconnected from the ventilator. His brain, starved from oxygen, was damaged irreversibly. I
was deeply opposed, I simply could not make a choice to take his life. Initially, Larry supported
my adamancy that it was not our choice to make. I returned to Joshuas bedside and gazed at our
fragile little boy attached to various tubes and paraphernalia. Larry excused himself to ask his
Heavenly Father if we were making the right decision. He returned resolute in support of the
doctors decision and gave the doctor permission to remove life support. I stood by, helplessly
watching as the nurse removed Joshuas feeding tube, heart probe, oxygen monitor and every
other piece of equipment sustaining his life. Please make them stop, I whispered please.
Joshua passed away in my arms. Larry was a rock.
He took great solace in his faith, knowing that his little boy
would inherit the highest degree of glory in Heaven. He
reminisces; what more could you want for your child.
Selfishly, I wanted him here on earth with us.

The autopsy report came back weeks

later, with no evidence of brain damage. I
was devastated. This was the basis used for
the recommendation to remove him from life
support. Larry refused to dwell on the news.
He believed with all his heart, trusting his
faith that Joshua had inherited the kingdom

Larry and Sandy with Joshua

My faith carried me.

of heaven and only needed to dwell on this earth long enough to gain a body.
The grieving process was vastly different for the two of us. Larry walked away from
Primary Childrens hospital, leaving Joshua with the coroner, a pillar of strength. He spoke at his
funeral, filled with a fathers love - at peace. I was tormented. I asked Larry about the source of
his strength; My faith carried me. He reflected on Joseph Smiths teachings, The Lord takes
many away even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of
this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly
considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and
we shall soon have them again. (Smith 196,197)
Faith, Larry possessed at a very young age and held firm to as an adult, carried him
through the loss of his only son. We were raised with the same religious beliefs, yet we coped
with the grieving process vastly different. According to Jennifer H Wortman, from the
University of Connecticut; Surprisingly little research has examined the widely held assumption
that religion and spirituality are generally helpful in adjusting to bereavement Overall, results
suggest that relations between religion and adjustment to bereavement are generally positive but
inconsistent and vary depending in part on how religion/spirituality is measured. (Wortmann
and Park) The various components of religion can be a source of strength for the bereaved,
ascribe meaning to the loss, and be a means to resolve the ambivalence over death as a welcome
visitor or a relentless intruder. (Frantz, Trolley and Johll 152)
There may be little in the way of research to prove that spirituality plays a comforting
role in the grieving process, but Larry is certainly one example where it cant be denied. We
buried our son on March 3, 1983. We walked away from the grave site and followed distinctly

different paths of mourning. His reliance on faith provided him a decidedly more comforting
journey.
Joshuas Grave Site

Work Cited
Florence, Kim. Larry and Sandy with Joshua. Sandy Florence personal photo library, Salt Lake City.
Photo.
Florence, Larry. Life flight helicopter with Joshua leaving McKay Dee Hospital. Sandy Florence personal
photo library, Salt Lake CIty. Photo.
Florence, Sandy. Joshua at Primary Children's Hospital. Sandy Florence personal photo library, Salt Lake
City. Photo.

FLorence, Sandy. Joshua's Grave. Sandy Florence personal photo library, Ogden. Photo.
Frantz, Thomas T, Barbara C Trolley and Michael P Johll. "Religious Aspects of Bereavement." Pastoral
Psychology, Vol 44, Issue 3 (1996): 151- 163. Online.
Moede, Pastor Dewey. Praying Hands. FGGAM. Don't Take Anything for Granted. Albuquergue, 2015.
Photo.
Smith, Joseph Fielding. Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith: Compiled by Joseph Fielding Smith. Salt
Lake CIty: The Deseret News Press, 1938. Print.
Wortmann, Jennifer H and Crystal L Park. "Religion and spirituality in adjustment following
bereavement: An integrative Review." Death Studies, 32 (2008): 703-736. Online.

Supporting Those
Grieving

Are You Helping or

Hurting?
By Sandy Florence
Losing a loved one is painful. There is much written about dealing with grief. The physical and
emotional consequences are documented and debated. As challenging as dealing with loss is, the actions
of those surrounding the person experiencing loss have the power to help with healing or add salt to the
raw wound of loss. In order to understand how actions in word or deed affect grieving, we should
understand what is known about grief.
There are many emotions when dealing with death. After the loss of a loved one, grief comes in
many different ways: denial, isolation, anger, disbelief, depression, guilt, regret, anxiety and acceptance.
Many experience all of these emotions and some just a few. Yet others experience an absence of
emotions. Imagine finding yourself feeling no emotion, no tears, and no anger just nothing. You may
find yourself wondering - Whats wrong with me? Others face grieving and find they are stronger.
Jan Wolf Rosales, lost her baby boy when he was 4 days old. She writes her story in, Given in
Love but Not Mine to Keep and cites; He was. He existed. He was a very small person that touched our
lives in a powerful way. [...] Losing Joe did not ultimately rip my life apart, but rather made me stronger,
emotionally and spiritually." Her son passed away in her arms in the backseat of a car on the way to the
hospital. Initially, Jan was angry at God, but ultimately found her faith to be a main source of her healing.
Jan recalls; "Okay, God, I'm going to trust that you know what you're doing, and that you understand what
this has done to me."
Joanna Moorhead shares the story of Denise Turner, a social worker whose son died suddenly in
her article, Can a parent get over the death of a child? After the death of Denise Turners baby son, the
paramedic arrived and told her You need to sit down and you need to start grieving. Denise didnt want
to sit down, she wanted to take her daughter to school. She was angry with the paramedic and said to
him, What are you going to do? Stop me from leaving the house?" From Denises perspective, the
paramedic was indicating he knew best. He had pre-decided how she should be reacting.
After the loss of her son, Denise would go on to study bereavement for her PhD research at
Suxxex University. Denise observed: "So a bereaved mother is expected to behave like the French
Lieutenant's Woman, standing on the Cobb staring out to sea. Or she sits in a corner weeping. But that's
not how I've been and when I started to interview other parents who had lost children, I realized it's not
how they were behaving either." "People would say, 'You need counselling.' I thought, what's that going
to do? It's not going to bring Joe back, is it? So counselling didn't feel right for me, but the voices around
me were so insistent that I remember thinking, should I actually go for counselling? ... If you don't
behave in a certain way if you're too angry, or you don't seem to be engulfed in your grief, for example
the people around you withdraw their support. They get angry with you, and you lose their sympathy.

In general, says Denise, reaction when she was out and about was very mixed. "There
were people who never even mentioned the fact that one of my children had disappeared," she
says. And there were those who seemed almost attracted to her in the aftermath of the tragedy the
ghoul-seekers, who had definite ideas about how anguished her life must be. Others, she says, just stood
in front of her and sobbed. Moorhead summarizes: It's a tribute to her resilience that, despite all this,
Denise has made it through. But not every parent who loses a child is as lucky: some are lost in that noman's land of having to respond to others' expectations rather than being able to work through their
feelings on their own terms.
There is no correct pattern of grieving. Your life experiences, gender, maturity and relationships
all factor into how you cope. Grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, not one right way to
do it.(Axelrod).
Given the complexity of emotion and lack of predictable pattern in grieving, its remarkable that
friends and family do and say things that make the experience more difficult. Rick Witter, the author of an
article 10 Things Not to Say to a Grieving Friend, and his wife spent the day with friends. They both
had experienced the loss of a child. Rick reflects on their conversation: The conversation gravitated to
the pain we had experienced, the goodness of God and recovery. But part of the most poignant comments
centered on the painful things that people have said to us following the crisis. Among the comments
Rick cites:

God must have been sparing

your child from something
worse to come later in life.

God took your child in order

to make you a more
compassionate person.

I know what youre feeling; I

lost my grandma, or my cousin,
or my dog.

If you had possessed more faith, God

would have healed your child.

Dont worry, God will give you another

child to replace the one you lost. You
could always adopt.
Get over it. Its time to move
on and get your life back to
normal.

Some people are well-intentioned, some dont know any better and some are simply cruel. Regardless of
their motives, few people actually know what to say to a grieving person, especially one who has lost a
child. (Whitter) Many of the statements have no basis in fact and others are just plain hurtful. Rick
surmises: Any attempt to minimize the pain, explain the reason for the loss or make the person feel
better is out of place and unappreciated. My experience is, most people who want to fix my pain are
trying to play God. They want to understand it all and explain it away. This is ludicrous. These efforts
usually resulted in more pain.
Often times, the things people say to those that are grieving are rooted in their own feelings and
discomfort with the situation. Based on my experience with grieving, Ricks ultimate advice is solid, If
you must speak, just say, I love you or I am sorry for your loss or I am praying for you. Many times, it is
better to say nothing. Just a hug or a smile will suffice.

Works Cited
Axelrod, Julie. "The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief." Psych Central. Psychcentral.com, 8 Nov. 2014.
5 July 2015.
Moorhead, Joanna. "Can a Parent Get over the Death of a Child?" The guardian. Guardian News
Media Limited, 5 July 2014. Web. 6 July 2015

Web.
and

Rosales, Jan. Given In Love but Not Mine to Keep: Finding Strength in the Loss of a Newborn Child. Vol.
1. San Antonio: Publish America Inc., 2000. 99,100,143. Print
Whitter, Rick. "Thoughts on Life and Leading. A Few Ideas from Rick Whitter." Thoughts on Life and
Leading. Rick Whitter, 12 Nov. 2013. Web. 6 July 2015.
Works Consulted
Goldstein, Ph.D., Elisha. "Feeling Grief Means Being Alive: 7 Tips to Help." Mindfulness and
Psychotherapy. Psychcentral.com, 20 Feb. 2009. Web. 4 July 2015.
Shuttleworth, Kate. "Parents Mark Painful Year since Son Was Murdered." USA Today 2 July 2015,
Holiday ed., News sec.: 8A. Print.

Its Important to Understand

How to Support the Grieving
By Sandy Florence

Many years ago, my son died. The grieving

process was slow and painful. While I appreciated the
attempts at support from family and friends, much of the
time their actions or words made the grieving process
more difficult. Most didnt intend to add to the pain and
I have to believe they had the best of intentions. Death
is inevitable. We will all deal with it in our lifetime. At
some point in our lives we will lose someone we care
about or someone we care about will lose someone they
care about. It can happen suddenly or we can see it
coming, either way understanding how to support
someone in the grieving process is important for the emotional well-being of those mourning as
well as those supporting the mourner.
When my son passed away, friends and family reacted in many
different ways. Some avoided me and others said things like;
You are young luckily you can have another child.
Be thankful you have two other children.
God must have needed him more than you.
At least hes not suffering any more.
None of these comments made me feel better and depending on my
emotional state in the moment, most made me feel worse. I was told it was
time to move on and many questioned the time it took for me to get over the
loss. Since some interactions with others intensified my pain, I often

withdrew and then I was left to deal with loneliness and often despair. Some
friends did not know how to deal with the range of emotions I felt. They
withdrew and our friendship never recovered. I know with all my heart that
my friends and loved ones did not intend to say or do hurtful things. So why
did they?
Camille Wortman, PhD is an expert on grief and bereavement. She
received the Distinguished Scientific Award for an Early Career Contribution
in Psychology from the American Psychological Association for this work. Her
research on grief has been funded both by federal agencies (the National
Science Foundation, the National Institute of Mental Health, and the National
Institute on Aging), and private foundations (the MacArthur Foundation, and
the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety). Dr. Wortman asserts there are 3
reasons that drive how we react when someone is grieving:
1.) The prospect of interacting with someone who is grieving may elicit
feelings of social discomfort. We are not sure what to say and we
do not want to make them feel even worse.
2.) Conversing with a grieving person can evoke feelings of
helplessness because objectively, there is little we can say or do to
help.
3.) Such interactions may also enhance feelings of vulnerability,
because they make us realize that bad things can happen any time.
(Wortman, PhD)
Dr. Wortmans research indicates that in many cases, our natural instincts will be
completely wrong. (Wortman, C. B., & Boerner, K.) We will do and say things that have the
opposite impact of our intent when dealing with someone in mourning. And often the mourner is
likely to view our support attempts as inappropriate and possibly even harmful. Many feel
uncomfortable when faced with dealing with someone grieving and those feelings interfere with
the ability to provide effective support. This is because some try to get through the interaction
without increasing their own stress level or that of the bereaved. In the state of feeling
uncomfortable, there is a tendency to fall back on remarks that are part of our cultural
understanding of how to help others, our own religious beliefs and our own experience with
grief. Wortman explains this will manifest through several types of support attempts, all of which
are ineffective and most often hurtful:

Offering Platitudes

Time heals all wounds.

You have so much to be thankful for.
Its time for you to move on.

Minimizing the Problem

It was only a baby you didnt know.
You can always have another one.
You had many good years together.
At least hes not a vegetable.

Giving Unsolicited Advice

Now that your husband is gone, you should consider getting a dog. Theyre
wonderful companions.
You should not be going out to the cemetery every day.

Providing a Religious or Philosophical Perspective

God needed him more than you did.
Shes a flower in Gods Garden.
Hes in a better place now.

Claiming to Know How the Bereaved Person Feels

I know how you feel about the death of your husband. My husband and I got a
divorce last year and it has been very hard.
On the same day that my wife died, her cousin told me that she knew how I felt
because her dog had died after a long illness.

Conversational Avoidance
I needed to talk about what happened to my husband, but when I brought it up to
my closest friend for the second time, she became visibly annoyed. You already
told me that, she said.
It is so offensive when a person talks about everything except my dead son.

Asking Inappropriate Questions

It is common for people to blurt out questions that cause distress for survivors.
They may ask for details about the death (How badly was the car damaged?

How fast was your son driving at the time?); about money (How are you going
to spend all of that insurance money); or about the loved ones possessions
(What are you going to do with his tools?)

Derogating or Blaming the Bereaved or the Deceased

A woman whose child was killed in a motor vehicle crash indicated that she was
called an unfit mother because she let her young children ride with a seventeenyear-old aunt.
A womans husband was killed while riding a motorcycle. She noted that, My
husband was killed shortly after we moved to Chicago. Several people suggested
that I should not have moved the family to that area. (Wortman, PhD)

Since many of our instinctual reactions are often damaging, its

important to consider how to deal with someone in the grieving process
before we are faced with the situation. In excess of two and one half million
Americans die each year (CDC) and most often death comes at unexpected
times. Knowing how to respond to a grieving friend or loved one can make
a difference between helping and adding additional pain. Understanding the
impact of our words and actions on the grieving will help soften the
discomfort of the situation, lessen the vulnerability felt and provide the
personal power to feel less helpless. There is no time like the present to
prepare to deal with a friend or loved one who will ultimately be faced with
grieving.
Works Cited
CDC. CDC/National Center for Health Statistics. 6 February 2015. 25 July 2015.
https://pixabay.com/static/uploads/photo/2015/04/11/09/15/sadness-717439__180.jpg. Sadness, Despair,
Tears, Sad. Pixabay, South Jordan.
Wortman, PhD, Camille. "Offering Support to the Bereaved: What Not to Say." n.d. The Emotional Life.
24 July 2015.

Wortman, C. B., & Boerner, K. (2011). The myths of coping with loss: What the scientific
evidence tells us. In H. Friedman (Ed.), Oxford handbook of health psychology (pp. 441479). New York: Oxford University Press.
Works Consulted

Finkbeiner, A. K. (1996). After the death of a child: Living with loss through the years.
Baltimore, MD: The Johns Hopkins University Press.
Keogh, M. J. (2005). As much time as it takes: A guide for the bereaved, their family and
friends. Charlottesville, VA: Hampton Roads Publishing Company.
Lehman, D. R., Ellard, J. H., & Wortman, C. B. (1986). Social support for the bereaved:
Recipients and providers perspectives on what is helpful. Journal of Consulting and
Clinical Psychology, 54, 438-446.
New York: Oxford University Press. Aleshire, L. (2009). 101 ways you can help: How to offer
comfort and support to those who are grieving. Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks, Inc.
Peterson, C. (2005). Call me if you need anythingand other things NOT to say: A guide to
helping others through tragedy and grief. St. Louis, MO: Chalice Press.
Whitson, S. G. (2005). How to help a grieving friend: A candid guide to those
who care. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress. Wortman, C. B. (in press).
Wortman, C. B. & Boerner, K. (2007). Beyond the myths of coping with loss: Prevailing
assumptions versus scientific evidence. In H. S. Friedman & R. C. Silver (Eds.),
Foundations of health psychology (pp. 285-324).

Death is inevitable for all of us

At some point in our lives we will lose someone care about or someone we care about will lose

It can happen suddenly or we can see it coming, either way understanding the grieving process w