When I was Afraid

Trait

Score
(see
rubrics)

Explanation

Comments to Student

Ideas

We chose a five because the writing had a clear

central idea that carried through the story. The
writer provided some interesting details such as
the name of the roller coaster, how she lied when
she got scared, and both her and her aunts
reactions to the ride.

I like how you had one main idea in the story. This
follow your story. You also added in interesting
details like how you reacted when you started to
get scared.

Organization

The authors writing is easy to follow and ideas

ideas are connected using transitional words. We
decided against a six, because the writing never
surprised the reader. Additionally, the pacing
remained constant throughout the piece, it didnt
speed up or slow down to add effect.

Your writing was easy to follow along with. I like

how you used transition words like first and next.

Word Choice

Many of the words used were effective, but did

not necessarily seem selected. Some of the words
used were vague as well such as really fast.
Some moments could be expanded using better
words.

You write very clearly throughout the story.

Sometimes it helps readers when we choose more
detailed, powerful words. When you revise, try
finding stronger ways to say things.

Voice

The writer is clearly aware of the reader in this

piece. You can tell because the writer tries to
include authentic information about how he or she
felt. We did not give it a five because it is not
ready to be read aloud and lacks vibrance or
liveliness at times.

I like how you talk to your readers in the piece.

This makes you as a writer more real to them. I
also like when you explained in detail how you
were feeling. Try and capture the same excitement
you had in the paragraph about waiting in line
throughout your writing.

Sentence
Fluency

3+

We struggled with deciding between a three and a

four. The piece was readable and had some variety
in sentence structure. We were not able to give it a
four though because some sentences were unclear
and the sentences do not flow together. For
example, the writer says, My aunt hated the
roller coaster so much she was screaming. and I
was laughing. This fragment was confusing and
detracted from readability.

Your writing was fairly easy to read. Some of your

sentences, however, did not seem to go together.
For example, you wrote, My aunt hated the roller
coaster so much she was screaming. and I was
laughing. Combining these sentences would
make your writing more readable.

Conventions
and
Presentation

The writer had very few grammatical or spelling

errors. They also broke the writing up into
paragraphs, adding to the overall presentation. Be
did not give it a six because it requires some light
touch-ups before publishing.

I loved how you broke your writing up into

paragraphs! You also tried out a lot of different
conventions like apostrophes and quotations. With
a bit of editing, this could be ready to publish!

Courage (Rottweiler)
Trait

Ideas

Score
(see
rubrics)

Explanation

Comments to Student

We decided on a four because while the writing

had a clear main idea, some details provided were
off topic and seemingly random. There was some
interesting information provided like the
description of the ribs as hot and juicey,
which worked to engage the reader.

I liked your description of the ribs you ate at the

barbecue. While you are revising, try to link your
ideas together so that support your main idea.

Organization

The writing here seemed to be written as the

information came to the writers mind. There was
no lead or conclusion, leaving the reader to infer
what was going on. It was also hard to tell what
mattered most in the story. I am unsure if he was
courageous about the dog because it was going to
bite him or because it had a tick.

You have so many great ideas, but your writing is

a bit all over the place. Try putting these in an
order that makes more sense. Also, ordering your
events would help the reader know what was
important. Were you courageous because you pet
the scary dog? Or because you removed the tick?

Word Choice

The language used sounded natural to the writer.

There were also moments that clearly stood out to
the reader such as calling ticks those nasty
things. The words used were strong and left an
impression.

I loved the language you used in this writing! You

had many words that made me want to share your
writing. I especially liked when you compared the
dog to an alligator getting food. This made me
laugh out loud!

Voice

The writing was original and even comical. This is

definitely one we would read aloud. The writer is
enthusiastic and has numerous strong moments
where his personality shows through. For
example, the writer compared the dog to an
alligator looking for food.

When I read your writing, I have a good sense of

who you are as a writer. Some of the details you
give almost make you sound sassy, like when you
called ticks those nasty things.

Sentence
Fluency

The sentences in this piece do not flow together.

In the first paragraph, the writer has six sentences
in a row that combined seem choppy and difficult
to follow. Some variety in how these sentences are
written would add to the overall readability.

One thing you could work on when revising is the

flow of your sentences. In this first paragraph,
your sentences are very similar which makes the
writing sound choppy. Trying reading your writing
out loud to hear how sentences go together.

Conventions
and
Presentation

There are very few errors in this writing. We gave

the writer a five because he tries out numerous
conventions such as apostrophes and quotation
marks.

I liked how you included quotations in your story.

When you rewrite, try and break the first
paragraph up into two smaller paragraphs. This
would make it easier to read!

Courage (Diving Boards)

Trait

Score
(see
rubrics)

Explanation

Comments to Student

Ideas

We gave the writer a three because there are

numerous ideas listed but not necessarily
connected. For example, the writer talks about the
location and features of the pool, the cool kids
jumping off, and the different diving boards. None
of these ideas are adequately developed into a
story.

I liked how you set up your story by describing

the pool. You give a lot of information in the first
paragraph but it is hard to understand what your
main idea is. Try to be more specific about the
experience, give us details!

Organization

We consider a three because the story had a

general order, but the writer lacked numerous key
details. The introduction is minimal and the
conclusion is nonexistent. Additionally, there are
no transitions connecting events.

I think you are trying to tell the story in the order

it occurs. Sometimes its hard to remember when
writing that the reader doesnt know everything
you do. Try adding more transitions to guide your
reader through the story.

Word Choice

It seems as though the writer did not chose words

but instead wrote what first came to mind. There
are no powerful words and quite a bit of repetition
(jumped, scared). This writing does not paint a
picture in the readers mind.

When you are revising this piece, I want you to

think about finding words that show the reader
rather than tell. Instead of saying Then I went to
go jump off the low dive, you could say, I
climbed the ladder, rung by rung, walked to the
end of the board, and took a leap of faith.

Voice

2+

We were between a two and three for this piece.

The writing is not as sterile as you would see in a
two, it is more restrained like a three. The writer
says, I just closed my eyes and jumped and got it
over with. This shows the reader some of the
writers personality.

While writing, it doesnt seem like you are

thinking of your audience. Remember that your
voice is what gets the reader excited about your
writing and lets them feel like they know you.
How could you appear more in your writing?

Sentence
Fluency

The reader does not seem to be aware of sentence

structure or have the ability to separate thoughts
using sentences. The run-on sentences make this
piece difficult to read and understand. From this
piece, it did not seem like the writer understood
the concept of sentences and would require
assistance in rewriting this piece.

I liked how you tried to include some longer

sentences in your writing. However, sometimes
this makes it hard for your reader. Try ending a
sentence at the end of each thought.

Conventions
and
Presentation

3+

We put this writer at a three plus. The writer

showed mastery over most conventions and
spelling. Additionally, they separated thoughts
into paragraphs, aiding the presentation. However,
the presence of run-on sentences was distracting
to the reader and often got in the way of meaning.

I like how you used conventions in your writing. I

noticed when you were listing the different
heights of the diving boards, you separated it with
commas. I can tell that you really payed attention
to your spelling when writing this, I only saw one
spelling error!

No Title (Stage Fright)

Trait

Ideas

Score
(see
rubrics)

Explanation

When reading this piece, I do not feel as though

the writer even knows what the main idea is. He
includes details about graduating from
kindergarten and being on stage. However, these
ideas are very general and are not supported with
details.

Comments to Student

You tell us that you were nervous being on stage,

but you dont give the reader any more
information. You could add on about why you
were nervous, what the stage was like, or how
everyone watching you made you feel. How did
you face your fears?

Organization

The reader tells this story as though they are

talking about something for the first time. He
gives information in the order he thinks of it.
There is an attempt at a lead and conclusion, but
they are not very effective. They would benefit by
being set apart with sentences.

I like how at the beginning of your writing you

told the reader what you were going to be talking
about. This sets us up for reading! You should
look at the end of your writing when revising.
How can you tell the reader that your story is
over? You tell us you faced your fears. Expand on
this!

Word Choice

The writer does not make choices about the words I noticed you used the words scared and
used, but rather writes the first word to come to
nervous a lot in your writing. What other words
mind. This is shown by the repetition of the words could you use to describe how you were feeling?
scared and nervous. The reader has to work
hard to visualize the story.

Voice

The writer seemed disengaged from the writing.

There was no clear recognition of an audience or
emotion in the writing. We do not get a clear idea
of who the writer is.

When I read this piece, I do not get the feeling

that you are excited about it or wanting to share it
with others? Maybe if you showed your writer
how you were feeling, your voice would appear
stronger in the writing.

Sentence
Fluency

There are numerous sentences merged together in

two run-on sentences. This often makes it difficult
for the reader to understand what is being written.
It blocks all flow when reading the passage out
loud.

It seems like there are still a lot of thoughts within

these paragraphs. I want to read this aloud to you
so you can tell me where you think one idea ends.
That usually is a good place to put a period.

Conventions
and
Presentation

The numerous spelling and punctuation errors got

in the way or readability to the point where we
struggled to understand the writing. For example,
But after I got on stage at first I was nervous but
after awild I was no scard any more so every
sence In this sentence, the reader has to decode
what is being said. The editing required at this
point is drastic and the writer clearly needs help
getting there.

I like how you broke your writing into paragraphs.

You picked a good point in your writing to
separate your thoughts. When you go back to edit
your writing, I want you to circle all the words
you arent sure about and look them up in a
dictionary!