THE KATERING SHOW

"Superdouche"

written by
Michael Dixon

michaelpauldixon@gmail.com DRAFT NO. 1

Fremantle, Western Australia 30 October 2016
FADE IN:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
MCCARTNEY and MCLENNAN stand oblivious to the camera rolling.
SUPERIMPOSE:
McCartney: Slytherin.
McLennan: Huff and Puff.
MCLENNAN
Are we live?
MCCARTNEY
Hi, I’m Kate McCartney.
MCLENNAN
I’m Kate McLennan!
McCartney and McLennan stare uncomfortably.
MCCARTNEY
Seriously is that it?
MCLENNAN
We’ve run out of ideas for the opening
sequence?
MCCARTNEY
Lets get our energy levels up.
McCartney and McLennan start spinning around on the spot.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
Twirling, twirling for no reason.
(beat)
McLennan knocks her head on McCartney’s flaying arm.
MCLENNAN
Oh for fucks sake..
CUT TO:
"Superdouche" 2.

TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW

BACK TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
McCartney wears a name tag reading ‘Busy Mum’.
McLennan wears a name tag reading ‘Very Busy’.
MCLENNAN
One of the benefits of being a busy
mum is a social licence to initiate
every sentence with the preface “As a
busy Mum”.
MCCARTNEY
As busy Mums, only McLennan and I..
(pause)
and other busy Mums will understand
the challenges that being a busy Mum
entails.
MCLENNAN
Whether it's whining about dirty
nappies and potty training..
MCCARTNEY
Or wondering if your 10 am cravings
for cask wine underlies a deeper,
psychological problem.
MCLENNAN
(bubbly)
And tackling the age old question,
“How the fuck do I hide these bottles
from my partner?”
"Superdouche" 3.

McCartney turns from the fridge with box of cask wine and
glass in hand.
MCCARTNEY
We all have our coping mechanisms that
only fellow busy Mums would
understand.
MCLENNAN
(gritted smile)
Two glasses..
CUT TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
MCCARTNEY
(sipping)
Whining is not just a habitual but
delicious pick me up.
MCLENNAN
That’s right McCartney. It can
underscore a valid reason for
connection. We want people to
acknowledge our efforts, feel our pain
and share our ups and downs.
MCCARTNEY
When you’re feeling sad, comforting
words from a caring friend can be a
soft, safe place to land, much like
that podgy sack of shit who promised
he was wearing protection.
MCLENNAN
Always leave the lights on.
"Superdouche" 4.

MCCARTNEY
Dude, it was in the car.
(pause)
At the soccer oval.
(half beat)
CUT TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
MCLENNAN
When we just look for admiration,
whining becomes a poor coping
mechanism.
MCCARTNEY
This can be an easy line to cross
because as busy Mums, we often enjoy
passive aggression as a form of
validation.
SUPERIMPOSE:
#fuckyoudinks
MCLENNAN
Like.. “It must be nice to sleep in".
MCCARTNEY
"It must be nice to have a cleaning
lady”.
MCLENNAN
Or my favourite.. “It must be nice to
have disposable income”.
"Superdouche" 5.

MCCARTNEY
I haven't had a 4X wax for like 5
months now. I cried in front of store
security when they asked what the
bulge in my pants was.
McLennan nods understandingly placing a hand on McCartney’s
arm.
MCLENNAN
As busy Mums, telling people how hard
life is may evoke pity and sympathy at
best but there is a The Katering Show
solution to create admiration whilst
avoiding your friends eventual boredom
and disdain.

MCCARTNEY MCLENNAN (CONT'D)

Lifestyle websites! Mumpreneurs!
MCCARTNEY
We already have a brand and products.
MCLENNAN
On a WEB SITE.
MCCARTNEY
(thoughtfully)
We just need to take things to the
next level which caters to our once
overprivileged and childless friends.
"Superdouche" 6.

MCLENNAN
Whilst being an inspiration to the
time and cash strapped needs of busy
Mum’s through well meaning
eccentricity!
MCCARTNEY
Thereby circumventing the
psychological babble about validation!
McCartney and McLennan high five each other.
MCLENNAN
Drink?
MCCARTNEY
Fuck yes.
CUT TO:
An iPad diplaying the website ‘goop’.
BACK TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
McCartney wears a new name tag reading ‘Inspire’.
McLennan wears a new name tag reading ‘Jealousy’.
MCCARTNEY
As busy Mum’s, our social license
extends to that of celebrity, we can
literally say anything we want.
(MORE)
"Superdouche" 7.
MCCARTNEY (CONT'D)

But before pushing our shitty offering

onto a gullible public, we need to
acknowledge the unethically sourced
ramblings of the Dark Lord, Gwyneth
Paltrow.
MCLENNAN
No! She who cannot be named!
MCCARTNEY
Relax, it's perfectly safe.
An eerie wind blows across the kitchen. McLennan looks
afraid.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
Man up! Don’t be a pussy.
MCLENNAN
You know who..
McLennan pauses to look around and seeing no apparent danger
continues.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
..or, Celebitchy Gwyneth, is the
skinny and white Oprah Winfrey, but on
LSD, espousing lifestyle advice on her
website ‘goop’ that makes existence so
casually ethereal.
McCartney lifts up a Karcher steam cleaner.
MCCARTNEY
Like steam cleaning your vagina and
uterus, et al.
(MORE)
"Superdouche" 8.
MCCARTNEY (CONT'D)
(pause)
That’s right, she say’s et al.
MCLENNAN
(growing confident)
Sadly, GP as she is
(air quotes)
‘affectionately known’, is
consciously uncoupling from goop to
allow the brand to die without her.
MCCARTNEY
Unlike Blake Lively’s ‘Preserve’, goop
can be financially propped up year on
year because GP has more money and is
way popular with pure bloods.
MCLENNAN
But like Blake Lively, GP’s dream is
that one day, no one will ever
remember she had anything to do with
goop, underlying the problem of living
in a nonsensical Zooey Deschanel-esque
universe where accountability equates
to selling $60 jars of Moon Dust to
promote “primordial energy and vital
essence”.
MCCARTNEY
Oh no! Tell us McLennan, who will
fill the gap in the social aspirant
and pseudoscience market?
"Superdouche" 9.

MCLENNAN
The Katering Show lifestyle website
douché!
MCCARTNEY
Dooshay?
MCLENNAN
Yes! It's French!
MCCARTNEY
(scoffs)
Yeah, for dickhead.
CUT TO:
EXT. GARDEN - DAY - FANTASY
McCartney and McLennan romp around the garden like an vitamin
advertisement featuring Nicole Kidman.
MCCARTNEY (V.O.)
Look McLennan, we’re dancing!
Suddenly, forboding grey clouds fill the sky.
MCLENNAN (V.O.)
What the fuck. I don’t like this,
lets go back.
Chased by an unknown assailant, McCartney and McLennan run
for the magical Portkey before disappearing upon its touch.
BACK TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
McCartney wears a new name tag reading ‘Manic’.
McLennan wears a new name tag reading ‘Depressive’.
"Superdouche" 10.

MCLENNAN
Gwyneth Paltrow astutely postulates “I
am who I am and I can’t pretend to be
somebody who makes $25,000 a year”.
MCCARTNEY
25 grand? I didn't even crack 18.
MCLENNAN
Well we are who we are and emulating
others is the best way to achieve
success. Henceforth we bring our very
own The Katering Show version of Moon
Dust!
MCCARTNEY
Punctuated by inspirational auditory
hallucinations from GP herself!
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
McCartney now wears a Gwyneth Paltrow wig.
MCCARTNEY
As a busy Mum, GP believes that being
there for your kids means taking care
of yourself, like in an emergency on a
plane you put your oxygen mask on
first.
SUPERIMPOSE:
GP quote May 2011.
"Superdouche" 11.

MCLENNAN
To make your Moon Dust, start by
purchasing one our dream catchers from
the douché shop.
McCartney holds up the dream catcher with a television
shopping network product wave.
SUPERIMPOSE:
$350 each - Made in China: 800% markup.
VOLDEMORT (V.O.)
(whispers scarily)
I see your dreams, Kate McCartney..
McCartney looks around to see nothing.
MCCARTNEY
Did you hear that?
MCLENNAN
Hear what?
McCartney regains her composure.
MCCARTNEY
GP is fascinated by the growing
science behind the energy of
consciousness and it's effects on
matter.
SUPERIMPOSE:
GP quote June 2014.
"Superdouche" 12.

MCLENNAN
You’ll need the dream catcher to help
protect the sleeping fruits and
vegetables that live inside your
fridge from negative energies.
McCartney hangs the dream catcher in the fridge.
MCCARTNEY
Some people believe that this is an
offensive, misappropriated use of
Native American cultures. That's why
you close the fridge door so no one
can see, just like on water matters
relating to those pesky asylum
seekers.
McCartney wide eyed, slams the door with a satisfactory thud.
MCLENNAN
At dawn, collect your rested produce,
safe in the knowledge that the fridge
light, representing the suns morning
cosmic rays, has cleansed your guilt
of undesirable cultural appropriation
and that gap in the pool fence you’ve
been meaning to fix.
MCCARTNEY
Besides, if children drown, criticise
them instead.
McLennan in shock, stares at the still wide eyed McCartney.
"Superdouche" 13.

MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
(explaining)
GP believes in metaphors, if criticism
isn't from someone she likes, it's
just a projection, she becomes a
screen, she doesn’t absorb it.
SUPERIMPOSE:
GP quote September 2014.
MCLENNAN
I think that wig is a Horcrux, maybe
you should take it off.
McCartney is looking wired.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Either that or you’re getting all
Heath Ledger and losing touch.
McLennan attempts to remove McCartney’s Gwyneth Paltrow wig.
McCartney instinctively protects the wig and in lieu of a
wizard’s wand, picks up a wooden spoon, casting one of the
three unforgivable curses as she flees the room.
MCCARTNEY
(screaming)
Imperio!
MCLENNAN
(unaffected)
Why don’t you do something useful you
fucking nutjob!
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE BOOZE REVOOZE
BACK TO:
"Superdouche" 14.

EXT. THE KATERING SHOW - GARDEN - TABLE - LATER

On the table is the Hogwart’s SORTING HAT and a cask of wine.
McCartney, ambivalent care factor regained, still wears the
Gwyneth Paltrow wig and a new name tag reading Slytherin.
MCCARTNEY
GP doesn't really have any drunk
friends because she believes it's
incredibly embarrassing, ridiculous
and degrading.
SUPERIMPOSE:
GP quote June 2006.
MCCARTNEY
As any busy Mum will know, that's
absolute bullshit. Alcohol is like a
magic potion that gives me the
patience to maintain relationships
with people, including McLennan.
SORTING HAT
Hufflepuff!
MCCARTNEY
The Dark Lord does make a valid point,
it's important to hold your liquor.
(MORE)
"Superdouche" 15.
MCCARTNEY (CONT'D)

This helps to maintain the appearance

of functioning adulthood when dropping
the kids off at say, any interstate
highway, pretending to supervise them
with powerful electrical tools or just
giving more than two fucks at parent
teacher conferences.
WOMAN #1 and WOMAN #2 enter.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
These ladies represent my only female
relationships outside of my binding
contractual arrangements with
McLennan. They’re muggles..
(whispers)
non-celebrity folk..
which mean they are unsuspecting and
easily lead.
Woman #1 and Woman #2 nod in enthusiastic agreement.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
Cask or box wine has a number of
magical properties. 1. It never goes
flat. 2. It stays delicious and 3. An
empty goon bag can make a great
pillow, perfect after a hard day of
picking avocados or just kicking back
getting your daily 15 minutes of sun.
"Superdouche" 16.

SUPERIMPOSE:
GP quote April & July 2013.
MCCARTNEY
Handy tip for my muggle viewers.
Purchase an extra large space bag with
reversible valve from the douché shop
and voila..
Woman #1 and Woman #2 hold the space bag with a television
shopping network product wave.
SUPERIMPOSE:
$120 each - Made in China: 1200% markup.
MCCARTNEY
Monster goon bag.
VOLDEMORT (V.O.)
(whispers scarily)
I’m going to kill you, Kate McCartney.
Frightened, McCartney looks around to see nothing.
MCCARTNEY
Did you hear that?
WOMAN #1
My Lord?
VOLDEMORT (V.O.)
(whispers scarily)
I’m going to destroy you.
Frightened, McCartney picks up a large RED ROCK from the
garden to defend herself.
RED ROCK
“You have the answers. You are your
teacher.”
"Superdouche" 17.

SUPERIMPOSE:
GP quote April 2013.
Trembling, McCartney throws the rock.
MCCARTNEY
It’s the rock, the rock speaks!
Woman #1 and Woman #2 chase after the discarded rock leaving
McCartney alone with the voice.
VOLDEMORT (V.O.)
After tonight, no one will ever again
question my power. After tonight if
they speak of you, they’ll only speak
of how you begged for death. And how
I, being a merciful Lord.. obliged.
McCartney bolts in fear.
WOMAN #1
Don’t hold onto to fear My Lord!
WOMAN #2
(explaining)
Wisdom to live by, courtesy of Jay
Shawn Carter Z.
SUPERIMPOSE:
GP quote April 2013.
CUT TO:
TITLES - THE KATERING SHOW
BACK TO:
INT. THE KATERING SHOW - KITCHEN - DAY
McLennan wears a new name tag reading ‘Hufflepuff’.
"Superdouche" 18.

MCLENNAN
Welcome back, this is all getting
fucken weird. Lets get back to our
Moon Dust!
McLennan does some light arranging of the produce.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
On your workspace, arrange your
produce in a large circle. This
ensures your prep area retains the
positive ions radiating from your
food.
McLennan does a mystical hand wave over the produce.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
GP once defiantly stated that she
would “rather smoke crack than eat
cheese from a can”.
SUPERIMPOSE:
GP quote July 2011.
MCLENNAN
Whilst this is understandable, as a
busy Mum, you don't always have access
to premium grade moon dust..
(scratches arm)
Or crack for that matter.
McLennan holds up a green cylindrical container.
"Superdouche" 19.

MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
(bubbly)
Enter dried parmesan, a ready made
substitute because.. the moon.. it's
made of cheese..
VOLDEMORT (V.O.)
You can buy authentic The Katering
Show dried parmesan from the douché
shop, whilst stocks last.
SUPERIMPOSE:
$89 each - Made in China: Tredecillion% markup.
McLennan looks around for the source of the voice.
MCLENNAN
(warily)
Spread the parmesan onto the bench. I
think it's best to share the ‘Calming
Moon Dust’ recipe, because I am
shitting my pants right now. There’s
only one extra ingredient that's
required to give it the feeling that
accompanies zealous over promotion of
things with little to no proven
benefits.
McLennan scratches her arm.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Oxy Contin. As a busy Mum, you may
have been prescribed some after having
a baby.
(MORE)
"Superdouche" 20.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)

What ever you do, don’t throw it away.

Grind 1 pill and add it to
approximately 400 grams of parmesan,
mixing vigorously and you’re almost
finished creating your own Calming
Moon Dust.
SUPERIMPOSE:
Oxy Contin’s street name for refills is Hill Billy Heroin.
MCLENNAN
The last step is one of GP’s finest
pearls of wisdom, straight from the
mouth of Beyoncé. “Put some Panjabi MC
tunes on and do your crazy Indian
dance! Do that. Be you!”
McLennan does the crazy Panjabi MC Indian dance and with a
final flourish, a snort of the Calming Moon Dust.
McCartney, still wearing the Gwyneth Paltrow wig and
Slytherin name tag, bursts into the kitchen screaming.
MCCARTNEY
She is after me. The Dark Lord
Gwyneth Paltrow is in my head!
MCLENNAN
More like on your head, you’re
becoming her! Stand still, it's the
Horcrux!
McLennan grabs a hand full of Calming Moon Dust and with the
other, in lieu of a wizard’s wand, an egg whisker.
"Superdouche" 21.

MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Begone she who must no longer be
named!
McLennan throws the Calming Moon Dust over McCartney, casting
another of the three unforgivable curses.
MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
Avada Kedavra!
An eerie wind blows across the kitchen, the wig falls from
McCartney’s head.
McCartney and McLennan stand victorious over the Dark Lord
Gwyneth Paltrow wig.
CUT TO:
TITLES - CREDITS
EXT. THE KATERING SHOW - BACKYARD - POOL - DAY
McCartney and McLennan sit outside, exhausted.
MCLENNAN
Fuck that was weird.
MCCARTNEY
It's almost like, how in war, you go
through this bloody, dehumanizing
thing and then at the end, something
is defined from it all.
MCLENNAN
Is that another fucken Gwyneth quote?
MCCARTNEY
Circa May 2014.
MCLENNAN
Haven’t you learnt anything?
(half beat)
"Superdouche" 22.

MCLENNAN (CONT’D)
I suppose the lesson is to stay away
from lifestyle websites, at the very
least those run by the House of
Slytherin.
MCCARTNEY
That’s sad, because part of goop’s
charm is that GPs eccentricities are
offset by her bland husband Chris
Martin.
(beat)
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
Oh you know what? We didn’t use the
second unforgivable curse, the
Crucuatus.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
I think we’ve inflicted enough
excruciating pain on the viewers for
one day, don't you?
McCartney gets out of her chair.
MCLENNAN
Where are you going?
MCCARTNEY
To fix the gap in the pool fence.
McCartney hangs the dream catcher over the gap in the pool
fence with a maniacal look.
MCCARTNEY (CONT’D)
(whispers scarily)
My precious!
"Superdouche" 23.

MCLENNAN (O.S.)
Wrong movie dickhead!
FADE OUT.

THE END