Gstepl

gstepl
gstepl
In the room the women come and go

Talking of Michelangelo.
-T. S. Eliot, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
Perhaps my best years are gone. When there

was a chance of happiness. But I wouldn't want
them back. Not with the fire in me now. No, I
wouldn't want them back.
-Samuel Beckett, Krapp’s Last Tape
We’re no strangers to love:

You know the rules, and so do I.
-Rick Astley, Never Gonna Give You Up
2008 by Rory Marinich.
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-

Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. To view a
copy of this license, visit http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-
nd/3.0/us/ or send a letter to Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite
300, San Francisco, California, 94105, USA.
Cover design by Rory Marinich.

Book design by Rory Marinich.
You are free to share – copy, distribute, display, or perform – this work. You
must attribute the work in the manner specified by the author or licensor (but
not in any way that suggests that they endorse you or your use of the work).
You may not use this work for commercial purposes. You may not alter,
transform, or build upon this work. Any of the above conditions can be
waived with written permission from the author.
Printed in the United States of America.
First Printing: May 2008
ISBN 1-438-23381-7
This is for those two.
SO ABOUT SORROW
a brief explanation
Things aren't so good right now, so I'm going to keep this

quick.
Title gstepl
Genre fiction (literary)
Theme (primary) young romance, concentrations in

futility and absurdity
Theme (secondary) nature of fiction
Motifs bells ringing

substitutes
guns
retail salespeople
Guide
This is an odd sort of book, I know. Here’s how it works.

There’re a few stories going on, and they relate to each
gstepl 3
other but not in any sort of meaningful way. You can read
each one on its own and it’ll stand alone. If you don’t feel
like reading something, skip it and you should be fine. I use
a fairly large, readable font, so readability shouldn’t be an
issue. If you really hate reading, I’ve marked unimportant
pieces of the story in grey like this so you can just skip
ahead.
Disclaimers
This isn’t the sort of book you’ll stay up all night reading.
It’s too short. You’ll stay up until eleven at the latest,
assuming you start reading at a bit after three in the
afternoon and read at a pace of about forty pages per
hour. I think these are both safe assumptions to make.
You won’t fall in love with the guy whose head gets ripped
open in the end. I don't rip anybody's head open, for one
thing, and you're not going to fall in love besides. Not
falling in love, that’s a bit sad, but I doubt you’ll be
bawling.
I think it's good. I think it's pretty good. That doesn't mean
you'll like it but I'd say it's damn good.
Death shows up here every so often. I’ll try to skirt around

it for the most part. I don't like death much, nobody does,
but a lot of us write about it anyway. The idea, I guess, is
we're all going to die, so let's remind everybody about it. I
4 SO ABOUT SORROW
don't disagree with them. It's hard to disagree with
somebody when they're saying you'll be dead. I'd just
rather not put you through all that. It’s as painful to read,
I’m sure, as it is to write.
The content of this book may be considered impolite by

younger readers. If the idea of one person giving another
person a blowjob at a party offends you, or if you don’t
know what a blowjob is, I would recommend that you
don’t read this book. If you’re the sort of person who
enjoys reading about blowjobs, if you’re expecting graphic
detail about all that, go away. Just leave.
Appendices
There are four appendices that are completely unrelated

to the main story. They’re here to help you along if you
don’t get how literary devices work. I think literary devices
are nice, so I’m giving you a bit of a guide on how to look
at things.
Literary devices mean things like wordplay, which basically

means saying a word that means two things and letting it
mean both things at once. Imagine your friend Dick with
mayo on his head. Some people think it's too much, but
I’m fond of it, so it’s in. You’ve also got allusion, which is
this thing where you basically take something somebody
else made and change it up a bit. People look at it, and, if
they get it, it lets them know all about your “general
gstepl 5
expertise and mastery of the archetype,” as well as your
“subtle familiarity with literary theory and history,” both
of which are fancy ways of saying that you read a lot.
That’s not quite what either of those two things is, but
you’ve got a general idea.
It’s fine if you don’t know and don’t care, but if you do
care they’re there for you. If you don’t care, Appendices
Two and Four contain short stories that I think are pretty
neat in their own right. Skip past One and Three and you’ll
be fine.
Author’s Note
If you think that any one of these characters is in fact

modeled after you in some way, either understand that
this is entirely a work of fiction or do something about it.
Enjoy.
6 SO ABOUT SORROW
CONTENTS
for easy navigation
so about sorrow
contents
this class, my love
pong
grey texts
fourth wall down
appendix one
appendix two
appendix three
appendix four
gstepl was designed almost entirely in the font Calibri, a
sans-serif font designed by Lucas de Groot in 2005.
gstepl
(guh-step-pull)
THIS CLASS, MY LOVE
excerpt from a longer piece
School
Abby and I arrive at the same time, as always. I don’t say
anything to her. She doesn’t look at me. We go in
together. Five minutes later I realize I should have held the
door open for her.
Lost
I’ve got nothing to do, so I walk through the hallways. At
some point I come across Abby, going who knows where,
but going there now right next to me. I try and stay right
next to her. I don’t look at her so she thinks our walk is
normal. She doesn’t look at me, probably for different
reasons. We go like this down the hall, turn together, then
she goes to a door and I go to Bea, who’s walking in the
opposite direction. I’m allowed to make eye contact with
her.
First Encounter
Hey.
gstepl 11
Sorry, she says. Not now. I need to talk with a few people
and there’s not much time.
Ah.
We’ll talk later, Bea says. She brushes against me as she

leaves.
Update
I see Abby again before the bell rings.
Our Class
Last year, History class was good.
Did you know that Helen Keller, beyond being deaf and
blind, was a fierce advocate of socialism who was strongly
opposed to Woodrow Wilson as a president? Or that
Wilson was a blatant racist? He might have been an
inspirational president but he supported the Ku Klux Klan
on the side.
You might have heard of John Brown, who was killed for
leading an insurrection in the 1800s. You’ve probably
never read the amazing speeches he made detailing his
sacrifices at his execution.
You might not ever have heard of Adlai Stevenson.
12 THIS CLASS, MY LOVE

Last year we learned that Theodore Roosevelt, once
assistant secretary to the navy, sent a ship down to Spain
to provoke war, resigned immediately after, and formed
the Rough Riders. He was also an avid boxer and incredibly
sweet in person.
We learned that Joe McCarthy, after his glory days, was

completely ignored by the rest of the disgusted senate,
and died a pale ghost of the man he once was, trying
hopelessly to rail against an empty conspiracy.
We learned that Franklin Delano Roosevelt was accused of

corruption and of being pro-socialist, that Ronald Reagan
introduced the idea of campaigning on sensationalism and
slander rather than decent facts, that Abraham Lincoln
ignored the Constitution in going to war.
We learned that there are two sides to every story.
This year, History is teaching us that William Jefferson

Clinton was the forty-second President of the United
States, serving from 1993 to 2001, and that he had a 65%
approval rating upon leaving office, that he was a
Democrat, and that that’s all we need to know for the test.
We talk a lot more in History class this year.
gstepl 13
Wild And Crazy
There’s nothing worth thinking about in English, or in
Spanish, so I’m in a bad mood, worse mood, by the time I
sit down.
You look happy, says Bea. You look far too happy. You
should try feeling depressed sometimes, like the rest of us.
Sue me, I say. I don’t feel like looking at her.
I’m hurt, Bea says. I’m your friend. Besides, mugging you
would be easier and more profitable. I didn’t see you at the
party Saturday.
I nod. Suddenly I remember why I felt so gloomy this

morning.
Well?
I shrug. I don’t go out much.
That’s not healthy.
I shrug. I’m just not a fun guy.
The party was at your house, Bea says, her voice suddenly
soft.
I know, I say, but it’s hard to say it.

Your brother threw it.
I know.
Where were you during all this?
I shrug. I feel miserable. Around.
Around where?
I shrug.
I’m worried about you, Bea says. I don’t think I’ve ever seen
you enjoying yourself. It’s unhealthy. It’s masochism. You
need to get out more or you’ll go crazy and kill yourself or
something.
I’m just not a fun guy. I don’t know what you want me to
say. I’m not happy and I’m not social.
You talk to me.
I like talking to you. We talk a lot, don’t we?
We talk once a day, and we usually whisper. Bea stops for

a moment. I’m not sure you can say that’s very much.
Especially not when you’ve got so much to say.
I can’t say it all to you, though.
gstepl 15
Why not?
You’re not the sort of person I can tell.
Look, says Bea. If you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re
in love with me, it’s not working. You can just come out
and tell me.
I sigh. I love you, Bea. I really do.
I know, Bea says. What is it you don’t want to say?
I said it.
Anything you want to tell me?
Nothing, really.
Fine. Bea sighs. We’ll talk about unrequited love some

time.
I doubt it.
I think you need to start partygoing. Loosen up. The way

you act now, everybody thinks you’ll show up one day and
gun down half the school.
Do you really think that?

Me? No. She shrugs. From my experience you’re a suicidal,
through and through.
I hope you’re right, I say.
I’m always right, Bea says. I say you should party more.
I’m just not a fun guy.
Like I said. Suicide. You missed out on a lot with that party.
You missed a lot.
I shrug uncomfortably. I heard stories.
It was wild.
That’s what I heard.
The bell rings, and Bea gets up. Look, it’s up to you. I just
think a wild time or two would… She shrugs. You know. I’d
like to see you a bit more.
I’m sure.
Tell your brother I had a great time, Bea says. If he ever has
another thing, tell him I’ll definitely come again.
I don’t plan on saying anything like that to my brother. I

plan on never talking to him about Bea, period.
gstepl 17
You should show up, too, Bea says. You should come with
me some time.
Some day, I say. I’m just not a party person.
She looks at me strangely, and leaves.
And So On
Look, it’s high school. You’ve all been through it. If you
haven’t then I strongly advise you to find something else
to read. We all stutter around and shrug and say basically
nothing. That’s what high school is, a home for sighs and
shrugs and suicidals. All we’ve got left are pauses and
silences and stories you’ve heard the gist of a thousand
times every year.
If you’re going to find anything worthwhile in it you’ve got

to edit it to death. You’ve got to read between the lines. If
you’re looking for some sort of intense action thing you’ve
got to look outside of high school. The only interesting
parts are the tragedies, the big ones, the devastating bits,
and you’ll have to look somewhere else if you’re looking
for that. That stuff hits too close to home.
Leaving History I just miss Abby, walking the other way.

Shortly After
There’s another party coming up, Bea says to me, after the
bell’s rung.
I’m sure there is, I say. I’m sure there’re a lot of parties
coming up. I’m sure there are parties and dances and
orgies already being planned.
Not so many dances, Bea says. Only the one. But this
party’s next on the list.
It’s not at my house, is it? I try to say this casually.
That’s two weeks from now.
Ah.
You’re going to this next party, Bea tells me. This attitude
of yours is entirely unhealthy. You being alone like this.
A party won’t solve that, I say. I’ll just be at the party being
alone.
You could always do something, she says, and shrugs.

That’s why you go to parties, after all.
I’m not into doing things, I say. Especially not at parties.
You’re ridiculous.
gstepl 19
I guess I am.
Look, says Bea. You’re moping. You never mope. What’s

gotten into you recently?
You know the deal. I shrug. Girl.
You? For once, she looks surprised. Girl problems? Really?
Everybody has them. I’m not immune.
Who’s the girl, then?
I hesitate. It’s not really a problem with a girl. I’m not

dating anybody right now.
I figured. I meant who with?
You know. A girl or two, here or there. It’s not always so

fun.
Names, she says. I want names.
I’m not giving them.
You’re not about to do anything on your own, says Bea. We

both know this. Tell me, so I can go off and tell them and
make your life blissful and pimping.
What if I said it was you?

I’d make out with you on the spot, Bea says promptly.
It’s you, I say promptly in response.
Who is it really? Bea asks.
I shrug. Do you ever have the feeling that you’re talking

with somebody, but you’re not sure if they believe you or if
they’re just joking around?
Sure. I have that feeling with you a lot.
With me?
I’m never sure if you think I’m serious, or if you think I’m
just saying things. I get that feeling with a lot of people.
I think it’s your fault, I say. I feel that way around you, too.
It makes things kind of hard.
What can you do, it’s life. Can’t you just tell her directly?
I try, I say. It’s not so easy.
Maybe I could tell her for you.
That wouldn’t work.
I can try. Tell me.
gstepl 21
I’m saved, as always, by the bell.
I’ll tell you tomorrow, I say, but Bea’s already gone, swept
up in all the footsteps and the stumbling and the love her.
Lunch
I haven’t detailed my lunch process, because there’s not
much to detail. I usually order a salad, because salads are
make-your-own here and so I can take my time. More time
ordering means less time eating alone, more time waiting
to see if Abby will walk down the aisle and pick something
up along the way.
Stars
The weather tonight’s supposed to be great, Bea says. You
going?
I shrug. This means no.
I think you should, she says.
I know you think that.
Good, says Bea. That means you’re paying attention to me.

I’ll take you if you want.
Whose party is it?

I have no clue. Do you want the address?
I don’t think I’m going, I say. I’m a bit busy.
It’s on a weekend, Bea says. We will watch a movie and we

will listen to Canadian indie pop music and we will watch
another movie playing indie pop loudly because it’s a bad
movie but there’re poorly-shot nude scenes which is usually
fun. We will play games involving dirty language and go
outside and hang around in the woods and some people
will screw around. You would like it.
I’m not a partier, I say. It’s just not in me.
A party means you talk to people, Bea says. I think you’re a

pretty good talker.
Thanks, I say. I’m not.
You could just talk to me.
I wouldn’t want to stop you from talking to other people.
I actually like talking to you, says Bea. I actually like that a

lot. I’d like to be with you tonight, if you’re up for it.
Is my brother going to be there?
You know what? says Bea. Forget it. She packs up to go

and I wait for her, even though the bell’s rung. Look, I’m
gstepl 23
sorry. I didn’t mean to push you around. Sorry if I pissed
you off. See you on Monday.
See you then, I say. I feel like I should say more but I’ve got
no clue what.
Ring, Ring
You’ve realized that these conversations are all fairly
short. We get into class, we talk, not for long, the bell
rings, we leave.
If I were you, I wouldn’t think about it for too long. gstepl

is a work of fiction. The bells don’t matter much.
Mornings After
How was it? I ask Bea, presumably in History class on
Monday.
It was fun, Bea says, without looking at me. Not the best
I’ve seen, but it was all right. Could have been better.
Look, I say. I’m sorry I didn’t go. I made a bit of a fuss over
it.
It’s fine, she says. You don’t need to do whatever I say.
Yes I do. Stop trying to pretend like I have free will.

I wish you didn’t, Bea says. I want a manservant. She
shrugs and changes the subject. How’s the girl doing?
Not so well, I say. I don’t think. I think I’m messing it all up.
Knowing you, you probably are.
That’s good to hear.
You’re weird, she says. I like you.
I like you too.
Lucky me. What exactly were you doing Friday night?
Me? Sitting at home. Reading a bit. Avoiding my brother.

He didn’t know there was a party.
There’s been a bit of trouble with him at parties, Bea says.

He’s a dick. He’s a huge dick. Believe me, I’d know.
I’ve heard, I say, but very, very softly.
Look, she says. You should be glad you’re not like him. I
know you tick me off, I know I tick you off, but you’re all
right. He’s not. Tell me about this girl or I will do something
terrible.
This piques my curiosity. What exactly do you have in

mind?
gstepl 25
You don’t even want to know. Just tell me. It’s just a crush,
I’m used to it.
I sigh, and shrug. You don’t know what it’s like.
What, being you? I don’t think anybody does.
Being an odd guy in high school. That’s more what I was

alluding to.
She sighs. No. I don’t suppose I do. You could talk to one of
them about it, then. Instead of talking to me. Ask your
brother.
I hesitate. I’d rather not.
Brotherly love. Bea shakes her head.
I shrug. We don’t get along so well. We’re not very similar.
Oh?
You know both of us. I look at her. She looks about as

innocent as she always does.
I do, yeah. You I know a bit better, I think –
I doubt that.

You would. You I know a bit better, I think, but you’re both
more-or-less the same. You’re both hilarious. You both
mope around most of the time.
My brother never mopes.
Not around you, I bet. She shrugs. He mopes.
He’s more successful than I am.
Successful? What does success have to do with anything?

You do your thing, he does his.
He plays sports.
You talk about history.
I think sports are a bit more popular than history.
So is suicide. Since when does anybody care about sports?
I don’t. That’s my point.
It’s mine, too.
He’s better with girls, I tell her. He can talk to them

without it all messing up.
Look, she says. Who am I talking to right now?
gstepl 27
He’s not in this class.
For good reason. I’m talking to you.
It’s not the same.
There’s a pause.
Why not?
We both know you in different ways. I shrug. We’re friends.
And your brother and I aren’t?
You’re closer, I say. You two get along in different ways.
Not really, she says. Either way, I think I like you more.
You’re easier to get along with.
That’s sweet, I tell her. But I’m different. I’m strange.
I can’t argue with that, she says. It doesn’t matter, though.
I wish I was normal. I wouldn’t have to worry about these

things.
What things?
You know. The whole being in love thing.

I didn’t know you were in love.
That’s part of the problem.
There’s another pause.
So? Who with?
You, I say. And Abby.
You mean my –
Abby. I shrug. What do you think?
Do you think it’s love?
I like her, I say. Doesn’t mean I’m in love. Doesn’t mean she
is.
She might be, she says.
I’ll never find out.
You could always ask.
I won’t.
That’s your problem, she says. If you have feelings for

somebody you ought to just tell them. Don’t hide and make
things awkward for everybody.
gstepl 29
I can’t do that, I say. I can’t talk to people that way.
Of course you can. You talk to me. You never stop talking.
But I don’t really talk to you. I don’t let you know how I
feel.
You’re telling me about her right now, Bea says. See? You
can talk about it. You just don’t want to.
That’s not what I meant, I say.
I can tell, she says. I don’t know. It’s weird to me. I mean,
she’s not exactly one of us.
There is no us, I remind her.
There’s you, there’s me. There’s your brother. People I

know.
You know Abby.
It’s not the same. We’re not close.
If you’re talking about being close, I say, don’t count my

brother, either.
Bea waves this off with a shake of her hand. You’re such a
male.

Something tells me you don’t like this, I say.
Bea stares. Like it? Of course I don’t like it. That’s not who
I’d have thought you’d like. She’s not really your type.
Who is my type?
I don’t know, but Abby’s not it.
I don’t have a type, I say. I have a list of girls I can’t share

my feelings with. It’s a pretty diverse group.
She’s so vain, Bea says. I thought you would want

somebody more down-to-earth. Somebody a bit more real.
She really doesn’t even talk.
Neither do I, really. You’re the exception.
Bea shakes her head. Go play some sports, how about.
Take Me Out
I never really got into sports.
My brother started when he was young. Too young, in my

opinion, though in my opinion there’s never a good time
to start. He played soccer first, moved to baseball in the
summer, messed around with basketball for a while,
ended up hooked on football. I’m mostly sure he’s still on
gstepl 31
it now. We don’t talk much about it, though. It’s not
something I’m comfortable talking about him with.
I guess it’s nothing too surprising. Sports are everywhere,

whether they ought to be or not. Anywhere I go I’ll hear
people talking about it, leagues and leagues of sports talk.
It’s part of society. Much more than I am, anyway.
Saying that it’s all a waste of time, saying it’s unimportant
and just a complete waste, that’s dangerous. You get
looks. Never mind it ought to be them looking like geeks
and fools. It’s a culture of its own and it’s our culture.
There’s nothing changing that.
People say I’m like my brother. I hear it from everyone

everywhere. We look the same, we talk the same. I guess
there’s got to be something true about it or they wouldn’t
say it, but I don’t see it. He plays sports. I don’t. There’s a
gap there.
I’ve never been on a team in my life. I can’t work with

people like that. I don’t see the point. To be honest, I
doubt there’s a point at all. It’s called fun but I can’t see
anything entertaining about meaninglessness. Apparently
he can. It’s done him good. It’s wasting his life away but he
looks happy about it. Never mind he can’t string along a
decent sentence, can’t speak without saying some phrase
or another, he’s doing fine. He’s got some sports-playing
friends and they usually look pretty happy.

Sports wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t so
commonplace. A few isolated incidents, sure. Nothing at
all to worry about. A few kids in the corner, you don’t have
to look at them for long, you just look at them and mourn
their addictions. Good kids get into bad stuff. But sports
are everywhere. You can talk about them in public and not
get in trouble. There’s a problem there, I think. You get
groups of people, each person doing their own thing but
everybody knowing the gist of it, and the few sane people
left don’t know what the hell’s going on but it’s bad, bad,
bad.
This isn’t some lazy sort of rejoinder. Physical activity is

fine. Yoga. Yoga’s great. Balance the body and the mind
and all. Yoga’s not even allowed. Tell somebody you like
yoga and my brother or somebody will sneer at you.
Sneering’s a big thing about sports. Respecting somebody
in sports is like admitting you’re no good. That’s something
I learned fast.
Peer pressure’s another problem. It’s hard to say no when

everybody’s doing it. I’m lucky, I think, in that I’ve
managed to avoid peers for the most part. Not
everybody’s so lucky.
Meta
Dance? Bea asks me the next day.
I shrug. I’m not sure.
gstepl 33
Fine, she says. Break my heart again.
You’re the heartbreaker, I say.
I didn’t talk to Abby for you, if that’s what you mean.
That’s not it. I didn’t really think you would.
I just don’t think Abby is the right girl for you.
You know what? Go to hell. Not a snappy rejoinder, but it’s

right for the way I’m feeling.
What did I say?
I know I’m weird, okay? I know you wouldn’t be talking to

me if there was somebody else around. I know I’m not
good-looking or fun or really anything that anybody cares
about. I’m worthless, okay. You don’t need to point it out
like that.
That’s not what I meant, Bea says. She looks strange.

That’s not what I meant at all.
Then what?
You’re a great guy, she tells me. You’re fun to talk to when
you’re not in this mope of a mood. Abby’s not like that.
She’s a twit. She pauses for a moment. I can’t stand her.

You’re biased, though. There’s lots to like about her.
You barely know her, Bea says. I just think you should find
some other girl to be with.
Look, I say. That’s the sort of thing that happens. I don’t

like the guys that you like, you know. But at least I know
I’m biased.
What guys?
I don’t know. I wasn’t a fan of you and my brother.
That’s different, she says. Look, I know you don’t like him.
He’s a twit.
There’s lots to like about him, she says. You’re arguing this
to death.
He’s so normal, I say. So bland. He does everything

everybody else does and people love him, because there’s
nothing about him to feel weird about.
Abby’s the same way, Bea says. Look, forget it. I don’t
know if I can talk to her. I really don’t like talking to her. If
you want to, go for it. It’s not like I’ll stop you. But I don’t
like the thought of you two together.
There’s an awkward pause.
gstepl 35
And you’re not worthless.
Too little, too late, I say.
You’re fun. You might not like admitting it but you’re a fun
guy when you’re not thinking too much about it. And you
do all sorts of things.
Like what?
There’s an awkward pause.
I write, I tell her. That’s what I do. That’s what I’m up to

when nothing else is happening. I don’t know. Sorry. You
don’t care.
I do care, she says.
Be honest.
I do. Seriously. I didn’t know, but… What sorts of things do

you write? Poems?
Prose, mostly, I say. I keep trying to write a novel but it

hasn’t worked out yet. Nothing new there. I’ve got the
beginning down, I think, and I’m pretty sure of the ending,
but I’ve got no clue what to put in between.
Write a love poem, Bea says. Make it just one big, weird
love poem.

I don’t know what to say.
Write me one, she insists. I want to read things by you. I

want to read what it’s like, your being in love.
Write one about Abby, you mean?
No, she says. Make it about me.
Climax
I do it in my room when nobody else is around. I spend a
long time working it over.
There’s a knock on my door partway through, but by then

I’m too committed to get up and open it. I don’t want
anybody seeing me at this, either. It doesn’t feel right.
At first it explodes out from me, this long thing of love and
lust and want and need. Then, as I calm, it gets shorter and
shorter, more precise. The morning after I read it and I still
like it so it’s love.
Anticlimax
I don’t get it, Bea says to me the next day.
gstepl 37
A Bit Of An Awkward Silence
I wanted to show you the way I feel, I say. What it’s like
when you’re nearby. That’s what I tried to do.
This isn’t really about love, though, she says. You’re not
talking about looking at me dreamily or wanting to kill
yourself because I’m nearby. This is about you taking a
bath.
Looking at you dreamily isn’t love, I say. I look at you

dreamily, yeah. I probably do that for a hundred dozen
girls. Guys look dreamily a lot. Pretty much all of that’s
lust. High school guys write lust poems most of the time. I
wanted you to have more than that.
You wanted me to see you taking a bath.
It doesn’t work like that. I shrug. It’s the way I feel near
you. The way I feel in love. The way that I feel cleaner
around you. Warmer.
Slightly wet.
That’s there, I say. But there’s more going on than that.

There’s trying to get up and slipping, staying there for a
moment too long, and noticing it. Despair.
That’s how you feel? Bea stares at me keenly.

That’s what I wanted to write, I say. I feel uneasy.
Drowning. I shrug. That’s how I see love. I feel good here,
but it’s queer. I feel like it could all go horribly wrong, too.
That’s weird, Bea says.
I’m weird, I say. All of this is weird. What I want to know is,
did you like it?
I’m not sure yet, she says. Give me a little while.
A While Later
Do you really feel that way about me?
Not exactly.
Then how?
I was trying to write how I felt. Not by just describing it.

That wouldn’t have been enough. I wanted to describe
what it’s like. If you know what I mean.
A bit. How exactly do you feel about me?
I feel like you’re the most wonderful girl I’ve ever met.
She laughs, a little awkwardly. That’s not what your poem

felt like.
gstepl 39
I mean it. You’ve got this amazing way to you. The way
that you laugh and your eyes light up. It looks like you
want to do anything, you want to try everything, go all the
way, and it’s just unbearable. But at the same time you’ve
got this innocent look to you, like you’re never sure just
how much you mean and how much you’re just saying. It’s
beautiful.
Bea is silent for a moment. Her eyes flick to mine once or

twice but she mostly looks down at the poem I wrote her.
I don’t know what to say.
I shrug. I don’t know what to say either.
I’ve never heard you talk like that before.
It’s an awful way to start a conversation.
It’s just… Is that really how you see me?
That’s how you are, I say. I’m not saying it to you very well,
I hate saying it like this, but that’s how you are. I’m they all
see you like that too. They just don’t say it like I do.
You have no idea how that makes me feel, Bea says. I don’t
know how to describe it.
There is an awkward pause.

You’re taking this too seriously, I say. It’s making me feel
nervous. Remind me never to tell you I like you again.
You can’t help it, Bea says. You can’t hide your feelings.
You’re too awkward. I’d say you’re a rapist but you never
go to parties.
Is that how you’re supposed to do it? No wonder I’ve found

it so hard.
That’s how it always happens for me, Bea says. Though I’m
sure there are several ways.
To Be Certain
I’ve never raped anybody. Just thought I’d throw that out
there. I’ve been called a potential rapist several times, but
I’m not one. I get why I’m called that, though. When you
spend your time talking about beauty and love there’s a
chance that you’re the sort of disturbed soul who’d try and
have sex without permission. My problem’s more the
opposite: I’m the sort of disturbed soul who probably
doesn’t even know what sex is. If I knew more I don’t think
I would care about love so much.
I am disturbed, though – I’ve got to be. I’m just not a

rapist. In case you were wondering.
gstepl 41
Talking, Again
I’ll make sure to check out these parties more often, I say.
Do you ever talk about your stuff like this to other people?
I’m not sure. I don’t think so.
You’re a different person, she says. When you talk about

things like this you sound like you’re really alive. You really
get into it. You should talk like this more.
I doubt it, I say, and shrug. About these parties. You said
there was a dance coming up, right?
Up Close
Not going, she says, and looks me in the eye.
No? Why not?
Her eyes are greenish-brown, and huge.
Well, she says, and leans in closer. Why aren’t you going?
I don’t remember how long before I spoke. Probably not

long.
I don’t like dancing.
What’s not to like?

I’ve got no rhythm.
You? She almost blinks. You’re always moving. You’re the

smoothest guy I know.
With you, maybe. Not when other people are around. I

think I’m better at just staying still. I don’t like the music
there.
I don’t have anybody to dance with, she says. Nobody

asked me to go.
That’s hard to believe. Nobody?
No. There’s another pause, I think. Your brother said he

might – he thought he might –
She leans back and adjusts her shirt.
I didn’t know you two were still together, I say. Something

like that.
We’re not really together. Not like that, I mean. We’re just,
you know.
He doesn’t talk to me about his dating. You know. We

don’t talk much about that.
gstepl 43
She smiles. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her frown. Smiling
for her is just being more herself. I don’t know what that
means.
It’s not dating. We aren’t… He didn’t want me dating him.

He just wanted me to dance.
Ah. I can’t say much more without it seeming awkward,

but I try to make it sound like I’m saying something wise
anyway.
It’s a friend thing, she says. You know. The dance is just for
people who like each other. So they can dance.
I didn’t know that, I say.
It’s nice.
Sounds nice.
Pause.
It’s casual, she says. You know? I like it that way. It’s just
for fun.
That sounds really nice.
You sure you don’t like dancing?

I don’t think I laugh, but I try. I’m just not good at it. With
other people, you know.
It doesn’t matter if you’re good. There’s a lot of people… I

mean, nobody’s really good at dancing. It’s all stupid stuff,
really. It’s just about being with people you really like.
I would feel weird up there. Dancing and not knowing what

to, you know. Like I feel other people would stare. Don’t
know what to do.
Stare? She stares.
They would see me there. They would stare at me.
Then stare back, she says. They’re all there too, aren’t
they? Why would they be looking at you so much?
I dunno, I say. It’s just… different.
Not really. There’s a moment when it looks like she’s

about to say something, but decides against it. Instead she
says, You could just go anyway, and forget about all of
them.
You think so?
I know so, she says, and then laughs. I know so. This is all
so predictable, isn’t it? All this.
gstepl 45
I smile, but not really. When we’re together, we always
know what’s going to happen.
I guess so, she says. There’s another of those moments

where she looks like she’s about to say something, then
drops it again. But you can go to the dance, if you’d like.
I might. I don’t have anybody to go with.
She smiles, but shyly. Hesitates. If I’m not mistaken and I

most likely am she’s blushing slightly. You can find
somebody. I know you can.
I look at her. Do you
Only if
Would you think
It wouldn’t be that bad.
I’m not sure if
Relax, she says. I realize just how long we’ve been looking
at each other and suddenly feel like I’m treading water.
You worry too much.
I guess I’m not used to thinking I’m the sort of person who
can –

You’re a great person, she says. You’re a great guy. You’re
different.
I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, I say.
I am. It’s a wonderful thing. I blush for sure. If you want to

ask you definitely can. But it’s up to you.
I feel warm. That’s such an awful way to put it. I feel like
I’m heating up, but in a good way. Awful, awful. It’s
wonderful. It’s like love but it doesn’t hurt so much.
Hearing Bea talk like that is just this glorious thing. It’s
romance.
She puts her arm on my shoulder. I get closer to her.
Do you want to?
Of course I do, I say. Then I shrug. But I don’t think she

would say yes.
She… Do you mean you want to ask Abby?
I want to. But I don’t think she’ll say yes.
It’s because Abby’s a little bitch, Bea says. She has so much
fun being Miss Perfect, she forgets to be a human being in
the meantime.
gstepl 47
The sad thing is I think you’re right. I sigh. I just can’t stop
thinking about her. Do you know how that is?
You think too much about this, she says, and raises her
eyebrows. You need to just find somebody and let yourself
fall in love. Stop chasing the wrong people.
I’ll start chasing you, then, I say. Unless you’ve got a

problem with that.
She laughs. I love you.
I love you too, I say.
Are you going to ask?
No. I’ll be honest.
One day you’ll find somebody, she says.

I hope so.
We don’t talk for a little while.
We could go, I say at once. If you’d like we can go together.
No, she says.
I start burning.
Any reason why not? You said it’s casual, right?

I wouldn’t feel good about it, she says. You really ought to
ask Abby if you ask anybody. Don’t just pick me up on the
way out.
It’s not like that, I say. Bea, I could never feel that way
about you. You’re wonderful.
I – she says, and the bell rings. History Period Three begins
running at the door like a proletariat uprising and Bea’s
response is lost in the commotion. She looks at the door,
then looks at me and throws her arms around me. Lost for
words, I hug her back.
You’re a bit messed up, she says. But you’re a great person.
Don’t forget that. She lets go of me.
I won’t, I say. I can still feel her body against mine.
That Night
I think about that for a long time.
I go to sleep early.
I dream.
I dream I am somewhere, anywhere, some place not here.

I dream Bea next to me. I dream her moving with me, arm
gstepl 49
in arm, up a set of velvet stairs. I dream we never stopped
hugging.
The dream is about dancing. We are in the hall, center

stage, everybody and the music dancing around us. There
are thousands of couples, all dancing around us, and the
hall is larger than usual just to fit it all in. The lights are
dancing, but they always come back to us.
The song never ends. We go on. Slowly, then quickly as we

all change partners – I move from her on and on and on.
We join again as the song slows once more.
She is beautiful. Bea is always beautiful, but tonight she is

stunning. I can’t take my eyes off of her, and for once she
doesn’t mind looking back. She dances with a glow and
feels like warm bed sheets. Everything is perfect.
I always loved you, I tell her. I know, she says back. I feel
like saying it to her a thousand times and I do I do I do.
The song ends, and I kiss her, just like I know I’m supposed
to, and we both know what happens next. Happily ever
after.
I wake up.

PONG
bookmark may be needed
This is a joke: there was a boy who was very young once,
who was doted on by his father and would have been
doted on by his mother except that his mother was in fact
dead, and who had a birthday once per year, and on his
third birthday, which is the first birthday that really
matters, his father asked him what he wanted, and his son
told him A pink ping pong ball, and his father was
surprised, and said Really, I didn’t expect that, and the son
said It’s all right, Daddy, I didn’t expect you to guess that’s
what I wanted and the father said Well why do you want it
and the son said It’s a secret for now, but you’ll see soon, I
think, and so the father went out to an odd hobby store
that was positioned nearby his house and he purchased his
son a pink ping pong ball, and when his son saw it he
thanked his father and went on with his life, and his father
never saw or thought about the pink ping pong ball again
until the next year, when he asked his son what he wanted
for his birthday, and his four-year-old son said Two pink
ping pong balls, and his father was again surprised, and
said I don’t get why you want these pink ping pong balls,
and the son said, Pink ping pong balls are just the sort of
thing that I would like for my birthday, that’s all, and the
gstepl 51
father said Well, why do you want it and the son said It’s a
secret for now, but you’ll see very soon, I think, and so the
father went to the same odd hobby store that had had the
pink ping pong balls the last time and bought two more
pink ping pong balls, and when his son saw them he
thanked his father and went on with his life, and his father
never saw or thought about the pink ping pong balls again,
until the next year, when he asked his son what he wanted
for his birthday, and his five-year-old son said Four pink
ping pong balls, and the father said I can’t imagine what
these pink ping pong balls are for and it’s slightly confusing
to me, and his son said, Don’t worry about it too much: at
least I’m not buying illegal drugs and getting myself
addicted and his father said You’re right, I suppose, but I’ve
never seen you playing with those pink ping pong balls and
I really don’t know what you’ve been doing with them all
and the son said I think you’ll understand pretty soon
about all those pink ping pong balls, and his father said,
Fine, whatever, and went to the same odd old hobby store
that he’d been using for all his pink ping pong ball needs
for two years, and the man behind the counter said, Sorry,
but we’re out of pink ping pong balls, and the father said
What do you mean, and the man behind the counter said,
See, we’ve seen an influx in the amount of people willing to
spend their money on pink ping pong balls recently, and so
we’re facing a shortage of ping pong balls that happen to
be pink, although – here he raised his eyes brows up and
down several times in a very suggestive way – we happen
to have normal-colored ping pong balls in stock for a
slightly cheaper price, as well as many cans of paint which
52 PONG
are cheap in their own right, and many of those cans of
paint happen to be made in various shades of pink, and the
father said If I bought four pink ping pong balls, and then
bought a can of pink paint, would it be cheaper than if I
had bought four pink ping pong balls circa last year, and
the man behind the counter said Of course not, paint is
very expensive and the father said But I don’t have need
for a full can of paint, so could I take a free sample or four
and the man behind the counter said Certainly not, I have
a family to feed, or at least I probably need to pay the rent,
and the father sighed and bought four white ping pong
balls and a can of paint, and went home and set out trying
to make four pink ping pong balls, but the paint was very
thick and he found that it smeared and generally made the
ping pong balls crusty and generally hard to use for ping
pong, so he went and asked his son, Do you need your ping
pong balls to be usable for game play or is that not
necessary, and his son said I’m not too sure about that, let
me think and so he took a good hour, thinking seriously
about the matter, and finally he went to his father and
said Yes, actually, I need my ping pong balls to be usable
for play purposes, and the father sighed, and went back to
the hobby store, and the man behind the counter said
Back for more pink pong balls, I presume, and the father
said Yes, actually, how did you know and the man behind
the counter said It happens to a lot of people, but I’m not
very surprised, it’s really quite hard to use a can of
industrial paint to make a white ping pong ball pink, and
the father gritted his teeth and said I know, so can I have a
few more white ping pong balls and the man behind the
gstepl 53
counter said Of course, that’s what this store was made
for, and he rang up four more ping pong balls, and then he
said, almost casually, Yesterday I wrote a book on how to
use industrial paint to properly coat ping pong balls, if
you’re interested in anything of the sort, and the father
narrowed his eyes and said How much does it cost to buy it
and the man behind the counter said I’m surprised your
first immediate thought was that I would charge for
something like a book I wrote myself, and the father said,
But you are charging for it, I presume, and the man behind
the counter said Of course, I’m not an idiot, and the father
said, So I was right, and the man behind the counter said It
doesn’t matter if you’re right or not, what really matters
here is the fact that you immediately assumed I was out to
make money etcetera etcetera, and the father said, But
you are out to make money etcetera etcetera, and the man
behind the counter said, I have bills to pay, it’s nothing
personal, and the father said How much does it cost, and
the man behind the counter said Slightly more than four
pink ping pong balls would have cost if you had been
buying them two years ago and the father said Fine, and
bought the book, and spent several days reading it, and
then spent another day haggling with the man behind the
counter over the price of the special pink ping pong
attachment dye the book had recommended as an
excellent method for applying a natural finish to pink ping
pong balls, and then he gave his son the pink ping pong
balls for his birthday, and the son thanked his father, and
the father said, I really must ask what you’re using all
these pink ping pong balls for, and the son said, I
54 PONG
understand your concerns, Dad, but it’s really nothing to
worry about, and I plan on telling you very soon, and it
doesn’t matter anyway because if I wasn’t in here doing
whatever thing it is I’m doing with these pink ping pong
balls, I would probably be out on the street doing some
sort of horrible, awful thing, and these pink ping pong balls
are making me a productive member of society, and the
father sighed and said I guess you’re right, and for days
tried to find what the boy was doing with the pink ping
pong balls, even looking through the boy’s room when he
was out, but all his searching turned out to be completely
futile, and he found no evidence of any pink ping pong
balls, not even a scrap of chipped pink paint – though he
supposed that might have been the doing of the special
pink ping pong attachment dye he applied – and
eventually he forgot about the entire thing until his son’s
sixth birthday, when he asked his son What is it you want
this year and the son replied I would like a box filled with
pink ping pong balls, and the father remembered again
just why he dreaded his son’s birthday (and it wasn’t
because his little boy was growing up so fast and sooner
rather than later was going to have to be all ready for the
real world, which he was actually going to be glad for,
because without his son he wouldn’t need to spend much
money and his plan then was going to be to save up for
something really impressive – maybe a yacht or a large TV
or a portable DVD player with some sort of special
features or a ping pong table (he was still a fan of ping
pong back then, though he was content with playing with
white ping pong balls rather than oddly colored ones, and
gstepl 55
would have loved to be able to play with perhaps the
neighbors once his son had left), but rather, the reason he
dreaded his son’s birthday was because of the whole odd
process of having to go off and buy pink ping pong balls
which if you think about it, isn’t exactly what you’d expect
from a young boy at such a young age) but he loved his
son and so he went to the old odd hobby store which still
had the exact same man sitting behind the counter, and
the man said, I think I know what it is that you’re looking
for, and the father said Do you have pink ping pong balls in
this year, and the man behind the counter said Do you
know, I think we might, and the father said Good, then I
would like a box full of them, and the man behind the
counter said Well I’m not sure we have enough to fill a box,
and the father said Then give me a very small box’s worth
of them, and the man said I think we may not have enough
to even fill a very small box, though of course it depends on
exactly how large the box is, and the father said, Well, how
many do you actually have, and the man behind the
counter said, It depends: how many do you actually need,
and the father said I suspect some sort of swindle, and the
man behind the counter said I’m offended, and the father
said Well, it’s true, and the man behind the counter said
You’ve got me there, and the father said Then find some
way to get me a box full of pink ping pong balls, and the
man behind the counter said Well, I'll order some,
shouldn't be too much for a problem, I'm sure there are
mines full of the stuff if you know where to look, and the
father said, Well, that's good, how long do you expect it'll
take, and the man behind the counter said I have no clue,
56 PONG
frankly, could take me several months, and the father said
It had better not: my son's birthday is in a week, and the
man behind the counter said You could pay for express
delivery, I'm sure, and the father sighed and agreed, and
put down his money – more money than he was sure pink
ping pong balls were actually worth – and waited three
days for a call from the man in the old odd hobby store,
but nothing came, so eventually, he walked back to the
store and asked the man behind the counter Why haven't
you told me my pink ping pong balls are in, and the man
behind the counter said Because you didn't give me your
number, and the father said Oh, and then I'm sorry about
that, and the man behind the counter said It's completely
fine: see, perhaps I'm not as awful a person as you keep
insisting, and the father said Maybe you're right, and the
man behind the counter said I know for sure that I'm right,
and the father asked Well, then, can I have my pink ping
pong balls now, and the man behind the counter said No,
and the father said Why not, and the man behind the
counter said Because they haven't come in yet: I can't give
you pink ping pong balls that haven't actually arrived in
stores, now, can I, and the father said I need these pink
ping pong balls very soon, and the man behind the counter
said You've told me that too many times, I assure you, and
at this point I can barely bring myself to care, and the
father said, You promised me that you would get them
within the week, and the man behind the counter said
That was only if you ordered the express shipping, and the
father said I ordered the express shipping, and the man
behind the counter said Well, then, it should arrive within
gstepl 57
the week, and the father said When exactly, and the man
behind the counter said I don't know that, in all honesty,
and I'll tell you now it'll be very hard for me to find out if
that's what you're looking for, because the man who I talk
to when ordering pink ping pong balls is pretty damn
impossible to work with, and frustrates me to no end, and
the father said Can you call me when the pink ping pong
balls are in, and the man behind the counter said
Certainly, it's the sort of thing I'm paid to do after all, and
the father said Good, and left the store until the day
before his son's birthday, when he charged back into the
store yelling at the man behind the counter, quite
unintelligibly, and the man behind the counter said Look,
can you please stop yelling at me, I don’t understand a
single word you’re saying, quite sensibly, and the father
said I just want you to know that you’ve made a young boy
very sad on his birthday, and the man behind the counter
said I don’t know what you’re talking about, and the father
said You promised me a week ago that you would receive
your shipment of pink ping pong balls within the week, and
I ordered last week, and tomorrow is my son’s birthday,
and he asked me for a box filled with pink ping pong balls,
and I don’t have any pink ping pong balls to give him now,
and the man behind the counter said You know, I don’t
think it’s healthy to allow a young child to determine what
his gifts are going to be, perhaps you could give him
something else and surprise him, and the father said I
would really appreciate it if you didn’t tell me how to raise
my own kids, and the man behind the counter said Why
don’t you forget all about the pink ping pong balls and buy
58 PONG
him something normal instead, like perhaps chewing gum,
and the father said You don’t understand: he asks for pink
ping pong balls every single year, and this is the first year
that I haven’t been able to give him any, and the man
behind the counter said Well, that’s strange in itself: why
does he want pink ping pong balls, and the father said I
don’t really know myself, actually: I’ve asked him many
times what he’s doing with them and he never actually
tells me, which is odd, because usually he’s a very open
child, and the man behind the counter said I really don’t
think it’s healthy for a young boy to be so interested in pink
ping pong balls: he should be buying something more
usable and interesting, like chewing gum, and the father
said I agree, and the man behind the counter said I’m glad
you’re starting to see things my way, seeing as I tend to try
and take the time to make points that are valid and
supportable, and the father said No, that’s not what I
meant, I’m still getting him the pink ping pong balls which
you promised me, and the man behind the counter said
You know, the pink ping pong balls are only available
within a week if you order the express delivery package,
and the father said I did order them express, and the man
behind the counter said Oh, and then he said Perhaps he’s
using them like some form of drug, did you ever think of
that and the father said What and the man behind the
counter said Are pink ping pong balls slang for some type
of drug that he could be using or selling to other children,
because if so then you might be fueling his habit and the
father said No, they’re literally pink ping pong balls, you
wrote a guide on how to dye them last year and the man
gstepl 59
behind the counter said Oh yes, now I remember, but it
might be that the children are using them like drugs, and
smoking them or snorting them up the nose or having
them injected intravenously – though I would hope not,
since intravenous injection is dangerous, unsanitary, and
generally unattractive – and that you are in fact supplying
your son with this sort of drug without knowing it, and the
father said Look, I don’t really think that’s what’s
happening, and the man behind the counter said Well I
think you’re in denial myself and the father said He’s only
six years old, and the man behind the counter said Perhaps
he’s a prodigy, like Mozart was with music only his prodigy
shows itself in using drugs at a young age and the father
said I doubt that and the man behind the counter said I
wouldn’t put it past the little tyke, he’s got his father’s
genes after all, and the father said It doesn’t really matter
either way, because pink ping pong balls are not a form of
drug, they’re a type of sporting material (the man behind
the counter said Not really sporting material: ping pong is
not a sport by any means, and the father said It doesn’t
matter, that’s not my point) that happen to have been
painted pink, and the man behind the counter said I
suppose you have a point there, though I would like to
state for the record that I think chewing gum makes a lot
more sense as a purchase than a pink ping pong ball does,
as the one is usable for nearly an hour without losing its
flavor and stops kids from biting other things like me, and
the other is a piece of sporting equipment (even though I
hold that ping pong is not in fact a sport: a man has to
draw the line somewhere, I think, and mine’s at ping pong,
60 PONG
particularly pink) that really can’t provide any sort of
meaningful sustenance, and the father said Don’t get me
wrong, I completely agree with you, and the man behind
the counter said I knew you’d see things my way, and the
father said But I honor his sort of requests and the man
behind the counter said He’s only six, even if he is a
prodigy, and the father said My point is you didn’t give me
the ping pong balls I requested, which is a problem and it
offends me and I do not think I will ever purchase another
thing from your store if I can help it, and the man behind
the counter said But your pink ping pong balls are in, and
he reached behind the counter and pulled up a box, a very
small box, and he shook it and it was obvious that there
were in fact several pink ping pong balls rattling inside,
and the father said Why didn’t you tell me you had these in
earlier, and the man behind the counter said To be fair to
myself, I completely forgot I had them, and the father said
You promised you’d call me and tell me as soon as they
came in, and the man behind the counter said Whoops,
and the father took his pink ping pong balls and gave them
to his son the next day for his birthday, and his son said I
thought it would be a bigger box, and the father said I
think it’s time to learn a lesson: you don’t always get
exactly what you want, and sometimes that’s just how it
happens, and it’s something you’ll need to get used to in
life: there are more important things to worry about than
things like pink ping pong balls, though I would love to
know what you’re using them for, and the son said I think
I’m getting a different lesson from this: I’m being taught
here that I need to be much more specific in what I ask for,
gstepl 61
since you’ve given me what I wanted but not what I’d
hoped for, and that therefore it matters much more just
how I ask for what it is that I want, and the father said You
know, to be honest the only moral here is that when you
ask for something from a man who works in a hobby store
you can’t expect very much, because men in hobby stores
are lying pieces of scum that only live to make money off of
hard-working people like me and to occasionally talk about
chewing gum, and the son said You know, I think you’re
right about that, thanks for the moral, and the father said
No, really: what are you using those pink ping pong balls
for, and the son said Believe me, Dad, I’m going to tell you
very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very soon and when I
do tell you it will all make sense, and believe me, it will
make sense exactly why I wasn’t able to tell you anything
before then, and the father said I would like to believe you,
and the son said You’ll be able to, Dad, don’t worry, but I
assure you it will be well worth the wait, and the father
said nothing but over the next week began looking around
the house for signs of the pink ping pong balls but found
nothing – he found the box the pink ping pong balls had
been in, but it was empty – and after he had ended his
search he went looking online for mentions of pink ping
pong balls but found nothing but several pages of poor
riddles and jokes, and eventually concluded that his entire
search had been completely pointless, and did nothing
until the next year when he asked his son What is it you
want for your birthday this year and his son responded,
after taking out a neatly folded piece of paper, I would like
a box capable of holding at least twenty-four pink ping
62 PONG
pong balls, and I would like it completely filled to the top
with pink ping pong balls, and I would like to point out that
twenty-four is a floor value and that I would really be
delighted to get more than twenty-four pink ping pong
balls if you feel like it, and the father said I think I’ll just get
you twenty-four, because frankly, it’s hard enough getting
that many, and the son said I understand, and the father
got an intense look in his eye and clasped his son’s hand,
hard, and said Listen to me: you don’t understand anything
until you’ve been forced to talk to men who work behind
the counter at old odd hobby shops and asked them for
pink ping pong balls, and the son said Is that really an
important thing to learn about and the father said It’s
probably the second most revealing thing about life and
the son said Well, what’s the most revealing thing and the
father said Asking a pretty girl on a date and hoping she
says Yes just because you’re bright and occasionally funny,
and the son said That’s a bit off-topic, and the father said I
really hope somebody who gets what I’m talking about is
reading this, and the son said Why don’t you go to the man
in the hobby shop already, you’re beginning to bore me,
and the father said Fine, and went to the man in the old
odd hobby shop and said I need a box of pink ping pong
balls, and the man behind the counter said Fine, would you
like express delivery, and the father said No, you don’t
understand: I need a much larger box than the one you
gave me last year, and the man behind the counter said
Well, how large exactly do you need it, and the father said
I need a rough-estimate of twenty-four pink ping pong
balls, though that is, I have been told a floor value and not
gstepl 63
an upper limit, and I could take more if you have them and
the man behind the counter said I don’t think that more
than the floor is really an option considering your status as
a customer here, and the father said What does that
mean, and the man behind the counter said You haven’t
exactly been a loyal supporter or my shop or my products
or my service and the father said That’s probably because
your products are lackluster and your shop is old and your
service is horrible, and the man behind the counter said
See, with an attitude like that I doubt you’ll be getting very
much of anything from me, I don’t feel beholden to you
whatsoever, and the father said It doesn’t matter, I need a
good twenty-four balls, all placed within a box, and the
man behind the counter said That’s a pretty tall order, and
the father said Well, get them for me, you know I’ll pay
you, and the man behind the counter said This is actually
beyond me getting that many pink ping pong balls is a
pretty tough thing to do, it’s not like there’s a huge
amount of pink ping pong balls just floating around, and
the father said That doesn’t make any sense at all, and the
man behind the counter said Well why not, and the father
said Considering you had pink ping pong balls for the first
two years that I came here, you had them before my son
even originally told me that pink ping pong balls were the
sort of thing he’d be developing a strange obsession with
over the years (That reminds me, said the man behind the
counter, did you ever find out if they were drugs, but the
father shook his head and continued making his
comment), I am led to think that in fact other people came
in to purchase pink ping pong balls at some point in your
64 PONG
store’s existence (considering also that you had the time to
write an entire book on the creation and formation of pink
ping pong balls with which you have enjoyed considerable
financial success) and if so I would like to know what part
you’ve been playing in this whole pink ping pong
hullabaloo, and the man behind the counter said None
whatsoever, and the father said That makes no sense at
all, and the man behind the counter said There are more
important things to think about in life than pink ping pong
balls, such as the value of interconnectedness in life, and
the father said If I think about interconnectedness how am
I supposed to get my son’s pink ping pong balls, and the
man behind the counter said There’s only one way to do it,
and the father said How exactly and the man behind the
counter said You must to go Alaska and talk to one of my
operatives – his name is Eugene – and tell him of your pink
ping pong request, and he will find a way to deliver as
many pink ping pong balls as you need, and the father said
How do I get to Alaska, and the man behind the counter
said That’s up to you, though I’d advise taking a plane, and
the father said Do you know how much plane tickets cost,
and the man behind the counter said No, actually, though
I’m guessing a lot from your tone of voice, and the father
said Yeah, probably, I’m not totally sure myself, and he got
himself a ticket to Alaska the very next day, after paying a
babysitter extensive amounts of money to look after his
son, and he flew up to Alaska to find Eugene, which luckily
wasn’t very hard, seeing as Eugene was standing at the
airport looking shady, and he said I’m going to need
twenty four pink ping pong balls as quickly as possible, and
gstepl 65
Eugene said Certainly, if that’s the sort of thing you’re into,
and the father said Indeed it is, and Eugene said You get all
kinds of weirdoes at this job, and the father said What job
is that exactly, and Eugene said If I told you I’d have to kill
you, and the father laughed, because he thought Eugene
was joking, and then he noticed that Eugene wasn’t even
smiling at his joke, which led him to think that perhaps it
wasn’t a joke, and then he quickly stopped laughing and
started feeling very frightened, and then Eugene laughed
and said Nah, I was joking, don’t look so scared, I work in
retail management, and the father said How exactly does
that work and Eugene said I can’t tell you, because I went
to Harvard to study it and if I told you it would sort of ruin
the whole point in my studying so hard, now, wouldn’t it,
and the father agreed, and the next day Eugene found him
at the hotel he had been staying at and told him I’ve got
your pink ping pong balls here, and the father said Great,
how much do I owe you, and Eugene said This time it’s on
the house, and the father thanked him, and began his drive
to the airport, but as he drove, he had the strange feeling
that he was being followed, and he looked through the
window and there was a black van following him, very
close behind him, and he started speeding and the black
van followed him, and the father heard gunshots, and
started screaming because let’s face it, gunshots are pretty
damn scary, especially in Alaska, and he started going
faster, and there was a really long chase scene that would
probably detract from this joke’s pacing, since it had
basically nothing to do with pink ping pong balls or any
sort of other mystery, but basically he got away, and flew
66 PONG
home, and he went to the man behind the counter at the
old odd hobby store and said Some people in Alaska tried
to kill me for these, and the man behind the counter said
That’s nice, and the father said What’s up with these and
why are so many people willing to kill to get them, and the
man behind the counter said It’s not very many people, it
was just the people in that van and the father said You
have a point, I guess, but it’s still rather extreme, and the
man behind the counter said I honestly have no clue, you’d
have to ask Eugene about that, and the father said I did,
and Eugene told me it was just retail management from
Harvard, and the man behind the counter said Eugene
never went to Harvard, he attended Princeton, and the
father said But that means he lied to me, and the man
behind the counter said Yeah, probably, and the father
said I’ve got to tell you right now, there’d better be no
funny business next year, because my son’s only seven
years old and this is far too much trouble to go through for
a seven year old, and the man behind the counter said
Maybe it’ll be worth it by the time he turns eight, and the
father said I doubt it, because in all frankness it’s just pink
ping pong balls and getting shot at is not worth something
ridiculous like that, and the man behind the counter said
I’d probably agree with you and then Now are you buying
something or are you just standing here, because if you’re
just standing here then it’s loitering and I’ll call the cops
and the father left and gave his son his larger box filled
with pink ping pong balls and the son said Now this is more
like it and the father said I got shot at trying to get you
these pink ping pong balls and the son said That’s pretty
gstepl 67
cool, Dad, much cooler than the usual boring square stuff
you do like yell at me, and the father said There’s a lot
about my past that you don’t know and the son said Like
what and the father said Well, nothing this cool, I’ve never
been shot at before, but there was one time that I was at a
work party and I put a candy bar in the pool and people
thought it was fecal matter and they all told me I was
really disgusting and the son said That’s neat, Dad, we
should do a father-son bonding thing sometime and the
father said Sure, as long as you tell me first what you’re
using these pink ping pong balls for, and the son said I
can’t, Dad, it’s really a secret right now, but I swear that I’ll
tell you very soon and the father said You know, you’ve
said that every day for I don’t know how many years, no
wait I do, four, and every time I believe you, but this time I
don’t, and the son said I think it’s pretty sad that our
family is so broken and untrusting, and the father said I
agree, and the son said I’ll tell you, but you have to
promise not to tell anybody else, and the father agreed,
and the son said No, actually I can’t tell you yet, because
I’m getting closer and it would totally spoil the surprise,
and the father said I understand, and the son said I’ll tell
you when it’s ready, though, and the father said You didn’t
just pull one over me, did you, because that would be
pretty unfair of you, and the son said No, Dad, I didn’t,
because I respect my father way too much for that and
because if you get older and I get older and I start having
boy-girl parties because I want to get in bed with some
pretty-looking girl possibly named Abigail because Abigail
is a pretty name then I don’t want you lurking around the
68 PONG
pool throwing in candy bars because if people see it they
might think it’s fecal matter and frankly that would be sort
of sick, and the father said I’m glad we understand each
other so well, and the son said So do I, and the father saw
the box in the garbage a week later but there were no pink
ping pong balls in it, and a month before his son’s eighth
birthday his phone rang and the father answered it and
the man behind the counter from the odd old hobby store
said Look, man, you’ve got to help me, and the father said
How do you know my number, and the man behind the
counter said You gave it to me, that time you ordered pink
ping pong balls express for your son’s birthday, and the
father said Oh, right, and the man behind the counter said
Look, man, you have to help me, because I’m the only way
to get pink ping pong balls and you know it, and because
I’m possibly in some serious trouble, and the police are
looking for me, and if you can’t help keep me alive for the
next month or so then I’m afraid that I won’t be able to
help you access pink ping pong balls any more, and the
father said What is it you need, and the man behind the
counter said I need to stay at your place for a little while,
just a month or so but maybe more, and hide from the
police because if they catch me I’ll go to jail and I won’t be
able to give you more pink ping pong balls, and the father
said You won’t be able to get me them anyway: you never
get me pink ping pong balls any more, and the man behind
the counter said Yeah, but I just got a huge shipment of
possibly fifty or more, and I could give you forty-eight since
that’s twice what you got last year, and the father said
Well I can’t help you, because I hate you, but I could buy
gstepl 69
the forty-eight pink ping pong balls from you and then you
could spend the money on a hotel room, and the man
behind the counter said That’s not enough, that would be
possibly twenty-four dollars supposing I charged half a
buck per pink ping pong ball and that’s quite a lot, and
then I’d be out of luck and the father said Well, tough,
because I’m not letting you sleep in my house and the man
behind the counter said Well, then, you can’t buy the pink
ping pong balls, because they’re for executive customers
only, and you’re not an executive member, and the father
said Fine, I’ll let you stay, and the man behind the counter
showed up at his door about an hour later and the father
let him in and said Where is all your stuff and the man
behind the counter said I don’t own any worldly goods,
and the father said That means I’m stuck buying you
clothes, too, and the man behind the counter said Yeah,
but you’ll do it because you’re a good person and the
father said Probably, but I hate you, and the man behind
the counter said I’ll change after this, and the father said
Are you putting one on over me and the man behind the
counter said You’re pretty sharp, and the father said Don’t
invite me over to any boy-girl parties you’re throwing in
the near future, and the man behind the counter said I
don’t have many parties, believe me, you’re totally safe,
and the man said By the way, I’m going to tell my son that
you’re his Uncle Jeffrey, and the man behind the counter
said My name isn’t Jeffrey, and the father said I don’t care,
I’m telling him you’re Uncle Jeffrey, and the man behind
the counter said I could tell you what my name really is, if
that would help you at all, and the father said I honestly
70 PONG
don’t care what your name is and the man behind the
counter said Because it’s really a nice name, I think, and
the father said Shut up, Uncle Jeffrey, and the man behind
the counter said Fine, fine, though I think it’s impolite if
you ask me and the father said Really, I want’s going to ask
you, and the man behind the counter said Why not, and
the father said Because you’re not a friend of mine, you’re
a poor (in terms of quality, not finances) retail worker who
is bumming a month’s support off of me for the sake of my
keeping my son happy, which is fairly offensive, and the
man behind the counter said Frankly, I don’t think this
would be such a problem if it weren’t for your insistence on
spoiling him silly, which I think is turning into something
very harmful for your son, and the father said I don’t want
to hear your crackpot conspiracy theories, and the man
behind the counter said You don’t understand: a part of
growing up is to learn to accept that things will not always
be perfect; not everybody gets everything they want, and
that’s something that needs to be embraced, not ignored;
if you ask me it would be best for your son if he was taught
to find things on his own, or to adapt without things that
he wants: it will lead to a more mature, wise son, I think,
and the father said But I love him: what’s so harmful about
pink ping pong balls, and the man behind the counter said
Forget the pink ping pong balls, you fool, they’re not a part
of the issue, and the father said No, actually, they’re a
pretty large part of the issue considering how all of this
revolves around the fact that my son wants pink ping pong
balls and considering that’s actually the entire issue period,
and the man behind the counter said You forgot all the
gstepl 71
parts that have to deal with making the right decision in
the name of mercy and granting shelter to those less
fortunate than you in their times of need, which are the
parts I really think matter here, and the father said It’s a
good thing we don’t talk more often, because I entirely
disagree with you and the man behind the counter said
But and the father said Shut up Uncle Jeffrey and the son
came downstairs and said Who is this and the father said
This is your Uncle Jeffrey whom you’ve never met before
because he is probably a hardened criminal somewhere
and we all despise him and think he is vile and the son said
Sounds pretty neat and the father said Plus he picks his
nose, and the man behind the counter said That’s not true
at all, and the father said Shut up, Uncle Jeffrey, and his
son said I don’t think that is very polite, and the father said
It’s justified, considering I don’t like him, and the son said
Does that mean I can tell you to shut up if I’d like and the
father said You can but then by the laws of this country I
am allowed to box your ears (the son asked What’s that
and the man behind the counter said That’s where he
punches your ears extremely hard and the father boxed
the man behind the counter’s ears and said Shut up, Uncle
Jeffrey) and the son said Come to think about it, that does
not sound very appealing, and the father said That’s the
way life works: you don’t always get what you want, which
I think is a very important lesson and one that you really
ought to take to heart as you grow older so you learn to be
mature and wise, and the son said Is that like on television
when they tell you not to smoke or else you will create
large forest fires and kill your lungs and possibly innocent
72 PONG
wildlife, and the father said Probably, and the son said
That is not very reassuring, and the father said I’ll box your
ears if I have to, and the man behind the counter said
That’s not very polite, and then Ow, and the son said You
are kind for standing up for me, Uncle Jeffrey, I’m glad
you’re related to me by blood and the father said You don’t
mean that, he’s a hardened criminal and a poor
salesperson to boot, and they would have continued
arguing had the doorbell not rang, at which point the man
behind the counter screamed loudly and dove into the
food cabinet, and the father opened the door, and a man
holding a large gun was standing on the front deck, and he
pointed the gun and fired, and asked Is this your son’s, and
the father said Probably, I don’t remember owning a gun,
and the son said Yes, that one’s mine, and the man with
the gun said You shouldn’t keep these out on the lawn:
somebody might steal it and then you’d be out however
much you paid for the gun, plus cost of ammunition, and
the son said I’ll be more careful next time, and the man
with the gun said I’m actually here on official business, so I
can’t talk to you much or it would be unprofessional, but
do either of you know anything about a man named
Eugene, and the father was about to cover for Eugene for
the sake of the man behind the counter when the son said
I know Eugene, and the father was shocked, as was the
man with the gun, but he quickly recovered and said
That’s a sort of surprise, and the son said I don’t see why it
should be, and the man with the gun said Well what do
you know about him and the son said He’s on my bus and
eats candy made from 100% Real Fruit and drinks juice
gstepl 73
that contains artificial preservatives and sometimes farts,
and the man with the gun said That would fit with what we
know about Eugene, and the son said I don’t like Eugene
very much, and the man with the gun said Neither do I, and
the son said Are you going to put him in jail, and the man
with the gun said I hope, but there’s a good chance he is
prepared for he and comes out with all his guns blazing,
and then I will die and Eugene will be free to spread his
anarchist message throughout the free world, and the son
said I’m not sure what an anarchist is, and the man with
the gun said An anarchy is like a democracy but with more
screaming and less policemen like me, and the father said
It might be a different Eugene you’re thinking about,
considering Eugene isn’t actually my son’s age, and the
man with the gun said That’s one possibility, but it scares
me more to think that he might be the same person, which
means he’s been able to travel through time and become a
child again, and the man behind the counter said That’s
not how time travel works, and the man with the gun said
You can’t be sure about that without a doctorate, and the
man behind the counter said I have a Ph.D in astrophysics
with a concentration in quantum thermodynamics, and the
man with the gun said That’s impressive, and the man
behind the counter said It’s nothing, and the man with the
gun said I just realized you’re not a man at all but a talking
food cabinet, and the man behind the counter said I’m just
hiding inside it, and we’re out of Special K, and the man
with the gun said Oh, okay, and then Where can this
Eugene be found, and the father said I don’t really think
he’s the Eugene you’re looking for, and the man with the
74 PONG
gun said I can’t take any chances, and the father said I’m
actually entirely certain that Eugene isn’t the one you’re
looking for, and the man with the gun said Eugene most
certainly is the one, and the father said Well, yes, but
different Eugene, and the man behind the counter said
Aren’t you actually looking for me, and the man with the
gun said No, I don’t think so, but what is your name, and
the son said He’s Uncle Jeffrey, and the man with the gun
said Sounds like a nice guy and the man behind the
counter said I am and the father said He’s an awful
salesperson and the man with the gun said Take me to
Eugene and the son said Sure and they all went to
Eugene’s house except the man behind the counter who
was busy with eating Cheerios and rang the doorbell and
Eugene answered the doorbell and said What do you
want, and the man with the gun said I’ve got you now,
Eugene, and the son said Now that I think of it, he does
seem a bit old to be in my grade, what with the goatee and
all, and the man with the gun said Don’t worry, he’s
outsmarted people much smarter than the likes of you
before, quite often, and Eugene said You’ll never take me
alive and the man with the gun handcuffed him and
Eugene tried gnawing at his own throat but gave up pretty
quickly – and when they returned to the house the food
cabinet was empty, but the father found a huge box on his
doorstep the very next day filled with pink ping pong balls,
and for his son’s birthday gave him the box, and the son
said Thanks but what I really wanted was a laptop, and the
father said You always want pink ping pong balls and the
son said I can still use them but really it’s not what I
gstepl 75
wanted, and I’m fairly disappointed, and the father said
Well, see if I get you anything next year, and the son said
This would be perfect for next year, and the father said
What do I get you this year, then, and the son said A
laptop, and the father said I don’t have one of those to
give, and the son said That really isn’t my problem: you
need to learn to become more responsible, and the father
said Can I save these for next year, and the son said No, go
sell them and get me a laptop, and the father said I’m not
sure if this is having a good effect on you as a child and I’m
entirely sure it’s ruining you as a consumer and the son
said I’ll cry if you don’t get it for me and the father said No
you won’t and the son said Wah boo hoo gulp hoo gulp sob
snort sniffle wah gulp snort sob sniffle gulp sniffle boo
snort gulp sob hoo snort gulp wah gulp snort sniffle sob
wah gulp snort sniffle sob boo gulp snort gulp gulp wah
hoo sob sniffle snort wah gulp wah snort gulp sob wah
sniffle wah sniffle sob snort snort gulp boo hoo sniffle snort
sob gulp wah gulp sniffle gulp boo hoo snort gulp sniffle
sob wah sniffle sniffle sob gulp snort boo hoo sniffle sob
gulp wah sniffle snort wah sniffle gulp sob wah boo gulp
hoo snort sniffle wah gulp sob gulp snort boo hoo sniffle
snort gulp sob sniffle wah snort gulp boo hoo sob gulp
sniffle snort gulp boo hoo sob wah gulp snort sniffle sob
boo gulp hoo sniffle gulp snort gulp sob wah sniffle gulp
sob gulp snort gulp boo gulp hoo gulp sniffle sob snort wah
gulp sniffle sniffle gulp sob gulp snort wah boo hoo sob
gulp snort sniffle wah sniffle sob gulp snort boo hoo sniffle
gulp wah snort sob sniffle boo gulp snort hoo sob sniffle
snort wah gulp sob sniffle snort gulp boo hoo snort snort
76 PONG
sob gulp sniffle sniffle snort sniffle boo sob gulp snort hoo
sniffle gulp snort sniffle sniffle snort gulp sob and the
father said If I get you a laptop will you be quiet and the
son said It depends on how good it is and the father said
What about one of those ones with the pretty blue screens
and the son said Snort wah gulp wah snort gulp sob wah
sniffle wah sniffle sob snort snort gulp boo hoo sniffle snort
sob gulp wah gulp sniffle gulp boo hoo snort gulp sniffle
sob wah sniffle sniffle sob gulp snort boo hoo sniffle sob
gulp wah sniffle snort wah sniffle gulp sob wah boo gulp
hoo snort sniffle wah gulp sob gulp snort boo hoo sniffle
snort gulp sob sniffle wah snort gulp boo hoo sob gulp
sniffle snort gulp boo hoo sob wah gulp snort sniffle sob
boo gulp hoo sniffle gulp snort gulp sob wah sniffle gulp
gulp wah snort sob sniffle boo gulp snort hoo and the
father said Honestly, you’re impossible, and I wish I never
had a son, and the son said I’ll start crying again if you
don’t get a better type of laptop and the father said Why
don’t you want pink ping pong balls and the son said Look,
Pop, you wouldn’t understand if I told you, but age nine is
a pretty poor year to be pondering pink ping pong balls,
and the father said But that doesn’t make any sense and
the son said Sniffle sniffle sniffle sniffle sniffle sniffle sniffle
sniffle sniffle sniffle wah gulp snort sniffle sob boo gulp hoo
sniffle gulp snort gulp sob wah sniffle gulp sob gulp snort
gulp boo gulp hoo gulp sniffle sob snort wah gulp sniffle
sniffle gulp sob gulp snort wah boo hoo sob gulp snort
gstepl 77
sniffle wah sniffle sob gulp snort boo hoo sniffle gulp wah
snort sob sniffle boo gulp snort hoo sob sniffle snort wah
gulp sob sniffle snort gulp boo hoo snort snort sob gulp
sniffle sniffle sniffle and the father said The man behind
the counter (the son said Do you mean Uncle Jeffrey and
the father boxed his ears) was right when he said that
unfettered allowance on your part would lead you to
become extremely selfish: perhaps I am being too allowing
with you and your pink ping pong balls and the son said
The revolution will not be televised and the father said
That’s what they all thought but it was shown a few times,
and the son said Not that revolution and the father said
Honestly, I don’t even know why I put up with you and the
son said You’re avoiding the question and the father said It
was more of a statement and the son said You’re avoiding
that too and the father said How about I buy you some
candy instead and the son said You must really hate me
and the father said Giving you candy isn’t hateful, unless I
give you too much in which case you’ll be too wired to feel
any emotion, really and the son said Candy is not the same
thing as a laptop and the father said You’re too young to
use a laptop and the son said Fine, just give me the pink
ping pong balls and the father said I’m glad you’re starting
to grow up and the son said I’m surly and resentful already
and the father said Maybe I could get you one of those
weird computers that looks like pieces of multicolored fruit
and the son said Sniffle gulp snort gulp sob wah sniffle gulp
78 PONG
gulp wah snort sob sniffle boo gulp snort hoo gulp wah
sniffle snort wah sniffle gulp sob wah boo gulp hoo snort
sniffle wah gulp sob gulp snort boo hoo sniffle snort gulp
sob sniffle wah snort gulp boo hoo sob gulp sniffle snort
gulp boo hoo sob wah gulp snort sniffle sob boo gulp hoo
sniffle gulp snort gulp sob wah sniffle gulp sob gulp snort
gulp boo gulp hoo gulp sniffle sob snort wah gulp sniffle
sniffle gulp sob gulp snort wah boo hoo sob gulp snort
sniffle wah sniffle sob gulp snort boo hoo sniffle gulp wah
snort sob sniffle boo gulp snort hoo sob sniffle snort wah
gulp sob sniffle snort gulp boo hoo snort snort sob gulp
sniffle sniffle snort sniffle and the father said I’m never
getting married again (this is an example of ironic
foreshadowing) and didn’t talk to his son for a good week,
and by the time he did start talking the huge box that had
once held grand amounts of pink ping pong balls instead
held a laptop, and the father didn’t worry much about it
except for a few times when he made copies of his son’s
dirty pictures but that didn’t happen too often and he
otherwise spent a very uneventful year in absolute
anxiety, trying to figure out a way to get around the man
behind the counter next year, until the day came when he
asked his son what he wanted for his tenth birthday and
the son said Are we friends again, and the father said No,
and the son said That’s a shame, and the father said I’m
still spoiling you, aren’t I, and the son said You’re probably
going to be, yes, and the father said So what do you want,
and the son said A barrel filled with pink ping pong balls,
one that complies with international standards regarding
barrel size, and the father said I figured, and the son said
gstepl 79
What does that mean, and the father said It means I’ll
have to borrow your gun for a little while, and he went
down to the old odd hobby shop with a gun in his hand,
and the man behind the counter looked up and said What
can I get for you today, and the father shot him twice in
the chest, and the man behind the counter jerked back
and said Why would you do that, and the father said I’m
sick and tired of you controlling everything I buy, and I’m
sick and tired of you almost killing me (the man behind the
counter said I’ve never almost killed you, you’ve never even
been hurt around me and the father said But I’ve been
around people with guns way too much recently and the
man behind the counter said Not quite recently, more like
twice over two years and the second time nobody really
got shot and the father said I almost got hit in Alaska and
the man behind the counter said No, you didn’t, you were
in a car and besides they were firing blanks and the father
said How would you know and the man behind the counter
said I’m not telling and the father said The point is I’m sick
of violence and the man behind the counter said You’re the
one who boxed my ears and shot me twice and the father
said Perhaps you have a point and the man behind the
counter said Of course I do but it’s rather too late now)
and I’m sick and tired of all these pink ping pong balls and
the man behind the counter said Well, you could stop
getting them for your son and the father said Or I could
shoot you again which relieves stress and prevents the
possibility of a heart attack and the man behind the
counter said But that will only last for another year and
then you’ll get more pink ping pong balls and the father
80 PONG
shot him again and said See, that really helped, I think and
the man behind the counter said It helped you, maybe, but
it really wasn’t at all fun for me and the father said You ate
my Special K, that wasn’t fun for me and the man behind
the counter said Yes, but you actually shot me and the
father said Actually, looking back on it shooting you was
probably a bit worse than you eating my Special K and the
man behind the counter said Yeah, probably, could you
dial 911 and the father said No because they’ll arrest me
and the man behind the counter said You can ask for the
ambulance people instead of the police and the father said
Well, you really haven’t lost that much blood and the man
behind the counter said It’s polite of you to say that and
the father said Think nothing of it, it’s the least I could do
and the man behind the counter said Well you could also
call an ambulance and the father said I might, actually, I
haven’t entirely decided yet and the man behind the
counter said Only I’ve been critically wounded, there’s not
too much time to think and the father said It’s interesting, I
think, how not making a decision matters just as much as
actually making one and the man behind the counter said
It’s interesting to me how much pain I’m in and I think you
should call an ambulance and the father said Theoretically
you shouldn’t be alive right now and the man behind the
counter said What makes you think that and the father
said Half your face is gone and the man behind the
counter said That’s a bit disgusting to think about and the
father said I try not to think about it much myself and the
man behind the counter said Perhaps I could call an
ambulance myself and the father said I would advise
gstepl 81
against it and the man behind the counter said No, I think
I’m going to and the father shot him again and said No, I
don’t think you’re going to, and the man behind the
counter said No, I think I’m going to and the father shot
him again and said No, I don’t think you’re going to, and
the man behind the counter said No, I think I’m going to
and the father shot him again and said No, I don’t think
you’re going to, and the man behind the counter said No, I
think I’m going to and the father shot him again and said
No, I don’t think you’re going to, and the man behind the
counter said I think you just shot me seven times, and the
father said What about it, and the man behind the counter
said That’s not really possible, considering your gun only
holds six rounds at a time and the father said I had the
chamber cocked and the man behind the counter said
What does that mean and the father said I’m not sure but I
heard it in a movie once and the man behind the counter
said That doesn’t make sense and the father fired a shot
into the ceiling and said You’re right, come to think of it
and the man behind the counter said I have a fresh supply
of pink ping pong balls, you know and the father said
That’s nice, but wait a second, I’m trying to think and the
man behind the counter said It might be a different type of
model, one that holds more ammo or something like that
and the father said You know, that might be the case and
the man behind the counter said We might be
overthinking this somewhat and the father said That’s
entirely possible too and the man behind the counter said
There’s a sale on pink ping pong balls this week, in fact, so
if you’d like we can talk about your buying some of them
82 PONG
and the father said I’m sick and tired of this abusive sales
routine and the man behind the counter said Yeah, but this
time it’s not abusive and I have all your pink ping pong
balls ready for you and the father said Well, how many do
you have and the man behind the counter said A lot,
actually and the father said Do you have enough to fill up a
barrel that complies with international standards
regarding acceptable barrel size and the man behind the
counter said Probably, yes – I have a lot of pink ping pong
balls is what I’m trying to tell you and the father said Well,
then, I’m sorry for what I just put you through and the man
behind the counter said Honestly, don’t worry about it too
much, we’ll get you your pink ping pong balls, how about
that, and then we’ll talk about you calling an ambulance if
you feel up to it and the father said That should be
completely fine, I think, and the man behind the counter
went into the back room and came back with a sack filled
with enough pink ping pong balls to probably easy fill a
barrel and the father said That’s great, even if they all look
a bit bloodstained and the man behind the counter said
That should probably come out with a good scrub and the
father said I suppose I can’t get too mad at that one
considering the circumstances, but do you have a barrel I
can put these in and the man behind the counter said Let
me check and he went in the back room for a while, then
came out and said No and the father said That could be a
problem, do you have a phone I could use and the man
behind the counter pointed him to the phone on the
counter and the father called home and his son answered
and the father said Does the barrel really matter, and the
gstepl 83
son said I would like a full barrel, yes, and the father said I
don’t mean that, I mean do you really need the barrel part
or can I just get you the pink ping pong balls and the son
said I’ll have to think about it, can I call you back and the
father said No and the son said In that case I think I’d like
the barrel part of it, just in case and the father said Hmm
and the son said Will that be a problem and the father said
Yes, actually and the son said I’m sorry, Pop, and then
What did you do with my gun, by the way and the father
said I shot your Uncle Jeffrey (the man behind the counter
said That’s not really my name, I’ll remind you and the
father boxed what was left of his ears) and the son said
How’s he doing, and is he still picking his nose and the
father said He’s not doing very well considering I shot him,
and he didn’t really pick his nose, I made that up and the
son said Ah and the father said I’ll call you later and hung
up and the man behind the counter said What did he say
and the father said He wants a barrel and the man behind
the counter said I could order one for you and the father
said Could it get here in time for my son’s birthday and the
man behind the counter said Perhaps if we express deliver
it and the father shot the man behind the counter a few
dozen times and said Damn it, I don’t want to get caught
up in all this again, and the man behind the counter said
You know, that gun really ought not to hold quite so many
bullets at once, and the father said Curious, isn’t it, and the
man behind the counter said It really is and the father said
Really, I don’t have time to think about it, I need to find a
barrel for my son and the man behind the counter said
Could you please call an ambulance and the father said No,
84 PONG
actually, because now I’m upset again and the man behind
the counter said You know, I could have gotten you a
barrel up in Alaska if you hadn’t ratted out my source
there, and the father said I didn’t know Eugene sold barrels
also, and the man behind the counter said He specializes in
pink ping pong balls and barrels, I thought I told you and
the father said You might have, but I don’t remember very
well and the man behind the counter said In that case, I
will tell you that I remember extraordinarily well and that I
did tell you and that you simply forgot already, and the
father said I’m sorry about that and the man behind the
counter said Usually I would be polite about it, but in this
case I really don’t think I will be, so there and the father
said I’m properly chastised and the man behind the
counter said You should be and the father said Well, I’m off
to go find a barrel, thank you for your time and the man
behind the counter said nothing and the father said How
much do I owe you for these pink ping pong balls and the
man behind the counter said nothing and the father said
Goodbye and the man behind the counter said nothing and
the father drove home to his son and the son asked Do you
have my pink ping pong balls and the father said Get up
and get dressed, we have to move and the son said I’m
already up and dressed, and okay, and the father said Get
in the car, and the son said Which one, we have two, and
the father said It doesn’t matter which one but we really
need to get away immediately, and the son said I’d like to
take the convertible, since it looks nicer and doesn’t
embarrass me as much, and the father said Fine then, get
in the convertible and the son said What about my pink
gstepl 85
ping pong balls and the father said Well first we’ll buy a
barrel and the son said Yes, but I need the pink ping pong
balls fairly soon, and the father said Why do you need
them, exactly, and the son said I know we’ve been over
this, but to explain again: I’m not able to tell you right
now, and I really hope you understand and the father said I
don’t, really, and the son said I can’t really do anything
about that, now, can I, and the father said Look, I just
killed a man for your pink ping pong balls, the least you
can give me is some gratitude, and the son said Well then,
where are the pink ping pong balls you keep talking about
and the father said I’ll show them to you once they’re in a
barrel, and the son said Can I at least see them, and the
father said Look, for all you know I’m not getting you any
now that you’re older and a bit less spoiled and the son
said That’s funny, Pop, but you’re really not fooling me at
all and the father said Damn and the son said Don’t swear
near me and the father said Get in the convertible and he
found the keys and he went to the driver’s seat but his son
was already sitting there, and he said Look, I need to drive
this thing, and his son said Don’t you get it, it’s funny
because I’m in the driver’s seat when I’m really a
passenger and the father said Get out so I can drive, and
the son said Don’t you think it’s funny, though and the
father said Actually, not really, and the son said Now I’m
all in a sulky mood, and the father said Ha, ha, ha, you
should become a stand-up comic you’re so funny, and the
son said Do you really think that, and the father said No,
now get out, and the son said You’re supposed to say yes
and the father said Look, can we go before the cops show
86 PONG
up and the son said That’s probably a good idea and the
father pulled out of the driveway and the son said Where
are we going to move to and the father said Well, where’s
the nearest supplier of barrels and the son said Don’t look
at me, I haven’t the faintest clue and the father said Do
you think Home Depot would have barrels and the son said
Probably, seeing as Home Depot talks about barrels on its
advertisements and the father said Then we’ll go to Home
Depot and the son said I was kidding about the
advertisement thing and the father said That’s just perfect:
now where are we supposed to go and the son said I think
Home Depot really does have them, they just don’t
advertise them and the father said Then we’ll take the
highway until we see a Home Depot sign and the son said
Can I listen to music on the way there and the father said
I’m not a fan of your music and the son said But it’s music
that’s changing the way music is done, it’s the most
revolutionary thing since that other band I always listen to
and the father said I didn’t like them either and the son
said It’s because you have no taste in music and the father
said You’re the one with no taste, considering I’m older and
more knowledgeable in the ways of music and the son said
You’re avoiding the accusation because you can’t back it
up because it really is a revolutionary band because
everybody says they are and the father said My point is
you can’t listen to music, get over it and the son said That’s
really rather upsetting and the father said I won’t do a
thing about it and the son stayed silent and so they drove
along for a long time, then they stopped to eat, and they
drove for a long time again, and stopped to eat, and drove
gstepl 87
for a long time again, and stopped for gas, and at the gas
station the father got a bag of chips and the son said he
wasn’t hungry, and they drove for a long time again, and
finally came to a Home Depot sign and followed it to a
Home Depot, which had a barrel that the father purchased
and showed to his son, who said I think this ought to do,
now where are the pink ping pong balls in it and the father
said Let me think where I put them, and then Damn, I left
them at the old odd hobby store, and the son said That’s
really a shame and the father said You want me to go back
and get them, don’t you and the son said Yes, actually, and
the father said I suppose I owe you this time, seeing as it
was my mistake and the son said I suppose you do, and the
father said I’ll call up your old babysitter, and the son said
Isn’t she far away back at home, and the father said I’m
pretty sure she’s in college now, since she was pretty old
when she babysat you, and the son said Oh, and the father
called her, and talked for a while, and finally hung up and
said She said she’ll babysit you as long as you don’t tell her
that I killed somebody and the son said But it’s such a cool
thing to talk about and the father said I can just not get
you these pink ping pong balls and the son said That’s not
fair and the father said What’s not fair would be me going
to jail for the sake of your impressing your babysitter with
a cool story and the son said Oh, all right, but only because
you’re going back to get those pink ping pong balls for me
and the father said I’m glad I raised such an understanding
son, but he said this sarcastically, and he drove back on
the highway, and he paused to eat five times, and to get
gas once, and parked outside the old odd hobby shop
88 PONG
which was surrounded by police cars, and inside were
several police officers, and the man with the gun was
standing over the man behind the counter and he said I’m
not surprised to see you’re here and the father said Is it
because you think I’m guilty and the man with the gun said
No, it’s because he’s your brother Jeffrey, isn’t he, and the
father said Yes that’s right, and the man with the gun said
I’m sorry for your loss, and the father said Yes, so am I: he
was so young and the man with the gun said It’s always a
shame to see somebody die, which is more foreshadowing,
because the man with the gun is going to die, and there
was a slightly awkward silence, and the father tried to
make conversation by asking What was the cause of death
but that didn’t last long because the man with the gun said
Probably the several dozen bullet wounds, and so there
was another awkward silence, and then the father said
Would it be possible for me to pick up my pink ping pong
balls, and the man with the gun said What’s that and the
father said I have some pink ping pong balls here which I
need to pick up, about a barrel full and the man with the
gun said Why pink ping pong balls and the father said It’s
for my son and the man with the gun said You could get
him something normal instead, and the father said It’s
partly tradition in the family, and the man with the gun
said Well, who started it and the father said My son did,
and the man with the gun said Not a very exciting
tradition, then, is it and the father said There are worse
traditions and the man with the gun said Like what and the
father said I have a friend whose family only celebrates
traditions by ironing socks together and the man with the
gstepl 89
gun said I didn’t know you could iron socks and put them
together and the father said What and the man with the
gun said Like with metal soldering I suppose, but that
makes me wonder what the socks are actually made of and
the father said No, no, together as in they all do it as a
family and the man with the gun said That’s nice, and the
father said It’s actually unsentimental and drab, and the
man with the gun said Yes, that’s what I meant to say, and
the father said So that’s why I get my son pink ping pong
balls and the man with the gun said Why, because you
don’t have any socks and the father said One doesn’t have
to do with the other, they’re just both examples of
tradition and the man with the gun said You could change
the tradition and do something normal for a change and
the father said Like what and the man with the gun said
Like carve turkey and the father said That’s for
Thanksgiving, we do that too and the man with the gun
said Interesting, and then But what does he use the pink
ping pong balls for and the father said I’ve never quite
been certain, but I suspect and then he stopped talking and
the man with the gun said Suspect what and the father
said No, I actually have no clue and the man with the gun
said Perhaps he uses them to play ping pong with and the
father said No, he was never really all that interested in
ping pong and the man with the gun said Maybe he is but
in secret and the father said We don’t own a ping pong
table and the man with the gun said That sort of puts a
damper on my theory, then and the father said Yes it does,
actually, sorry about that and the man with the gun said
Don’t apologize, it’s really mostly trivial and the father said
90 PONG
What about your family and the man with the gun said It’s
funny you should say that, really, because my family just
moved over to here from the other coast and the father
said What’s your family like and the man with the gun said
My father used to hold guns, too, but he was connected
with the mob, which isn’t a very respectful job for a person
to hold, and so even though I love him dearly occasionally I
have to arrest him, just for publicity you understand, and
the father said I understand and the man with the gun said
He’s known as Guntoting Greg (remember this name) in
cop circles but usually I just call him Dad and the father
said He sounds nice and the man said He really isn’t, come
to think of it and the father said That’s a shame and the
man with the gun said It’s not a matter of shame or not,
but it does make it hard to relate with him at times and the
father said Shame, shame and the man with the gun said
Now, my mother is the sweetest lady in the land: she
weights two hundred thirty pounds and bakes a lot of pies
and the father said She sounds like she weighs a lot, and
the man with the gun said She actually weighs more but
it’s not polite to talk about a lady’s weight with strangers
and the father said We’re not strangers, really and the
man with the gun said Well you know what I mean and the
father said Yes, I understand completely and the man with
the gun said Besides, she bakes some of the most delicious
pies and that completely makes up for any shortcomings
and the father said Weight isn’t really a shortcoming and
the man with the gun said I suppose you’re right, but my
brother and the father interrupted him and said I think
we’re getting a little off-track here and the man with the
gstepl 91
gun said Indeed, what were we talking about and the
father said You were going to allow me to use these pink
pink pong balls as a birthday present for my son and the
man with the gun said That’s right, and the father moved
to take them but the man with the gun said I actually can’t
let you do that, seeing as they’re part of a crime scene and
the father said I’m sure we can do something about it and
the man with the gun said Not really, considering only
police officers and detectives can move things at a crime
scene and the father said Then you can move them for me,
and the man with the gun said But I can’t, because it would
be breaking my police officer code of ethics, and the father
said Well, then, I’m a detective so it’s still all right and the
man with the gun said I didn’t know that and the father
said I don’t tell many people because it compromises my
ability to detect things well and the man with the gun said
I’ve never heard of you before and the father said That’s
right: I’m that good and the man with the gun said Well,
where are your crime scene gloves and the father said
They’re invisible latex gloves and the man with the gun
said I’ve never heard of that kind before and the father
said It’s because I work for the government and the man
with the gun said What branch and the father said All of
them and the man with the gun said I have to say, I’m
pretty impressed by that and the father said Aw, shucks
and acted modest for a bit, then said I’ll take these to my
son now and the man with the gun said You really ought to
take them to the crime lab so they can trace the
fingerprints on the pink ping pong balls to the killer and the
father said What makes you think the killer cared about
92 PONG
pink ping pong balls and the man with the gun said It’s a
sort of intuition thing on my part, and it’s telling me that
the pink ping pong balls are very important in this case and
the father said Your intuition is wrong and the man with
the gun said How do you know and the father said Because
my intuition tells me it had to do with chewing gum
instead and the man with the gun said You know, you
might be on to something there and the father said I
happen to know that I am, because that’s a part of the
intuition too and the man with the gun said We’ll take
them to crime lab anyway and the father said My son
happens to be a part of a crime scene investigation team
and I think he can take care of it and the man with the gun
said He’s a bit young to be working in crime scenes and the
father said He’s a prodigy, like Mozart sort of and the man
with the gun said You must be very proud of him and the
father said I box his ears a lot and he took his pink ping
pong balls and stuffed them in a barrel in the back of his
car – the barrel he got from Home Depot – and drove
home, or rather to the new home which his son and his
babysitter were in and he gave his son the barrel and the
son thanked him and the father said I think you should tell
me about those pink ping pong balls and the son said It’s
really fine, Pop, you don’t have to worry about it and the
father said It’s not fine, those pink ping pong balls are
leading to people getting killed and the son said I really
swear I’ll tell you very soon, perhaps tomorrow and the
father said Do you promise and the son said If you ask me
about it again I’ll delay telling you and the father said Fine,
then and didn’t say a thing, not even when the son tossed
gstepl 93
the barrel, empty, next to the trash can the next morning,
and he didn’t say a thing about the pink ping pong balls or
about the man behind the counter or about anything
related to killing anybody for the next year, when he asked
his son again what he wanted for his birthday and the son
responded by saying Two barrels full of pink ping pong
balls, and the father said You said you’d tell me what they
were for if I didn’t talk about them for a while and the son
said Too bad and the father said I’m not going to take your
disrespect for much longer and the son said No, I mean
Too bad as in I was just about to explain everything but
then you asked, so I can’t tell you anything for at least
another two years at most and the father said That’s not
fair and the son said Life isn’t fair, Pop, and the father said
You know how stressful finding pink ping pong balls will be,
I hope and the son said I don’t think about it too much: I’m
more worried about girls now and the father said Just
don’t impregnate any of them, because I don’t want a
grandkid until you’re through with this pink ping pong ball
fad and then you can buy him the pink ping pong balls
yourself and the son said I promise I won’t impregnate
them if you buy me two barrels full of pink ping pong balls
and the father said Fine and went to the nearby hobby
store, where the man behind the counter said What can I
do for you and the father said I would like some pink ping
pong balls and the man behind the counter said We only
have about five and the father said That’s completely fine
and the man behind the counter said If you would like I
can order some more for you and the father said That’s all
right, I really don’t need very many and the man behind
94 PONG
the counter said How many do you want and the father
said All five and the man behind the counter said You only
need five and the father said I need two barrels full but it’s
all right because I really don’t think I want to bother with
ordering: I’ll just find more hobby stores and the man
behind the counter said That sounds like a lot of work and
the father said I assure you, it’s not as hard a job as you
might think it is, and the man behind the counter said I
feel like I’ve talked to you before somewhere, and the
father said I don’t know why that would be: we’ve never
met in our lives, and the man behind the counter said
You’re just so familiar for some reason, and the father said
It’s probably just déjà vu and the man behind the counter
said I’m sure, and he gave the father five pink ping pong
balls and the father paid and then drove to the next town’s
hobby store, which was old and odd, where the man
behind the counter said What can I do for you and the
father said I would like some pink ping pong balls and the
man behind the counter said We only have about five and
the father said That’s completely fine and the man behind
the counter said If you would like I can order some more
for you and the father said That’s all right, I really don’t
need very many and the man behind the counter said How
many do you want and the father said All five and the man
behind the counter said You only need five and the father
said I need nearly two barrels full but it’s all right because I
really don’t think I want to bother with ordering: I’ll just
find more hobby stores and the man behind the counter
said That sounds like a lot of work and the father said I
assure you, it’s not as hard a job as you might think it is,
gstepl 95
and the man behind the counter said I feel like I’ve talked
to you before somewhere, and the father said I don’t know
why that would be: we’ve never met in our lives, and the
man behind the counter said You’re just so familiar for
some reason, and the father said It’s probably just déjà vu
and the man behind the counter said I’m sure, and he gave
the father five pink ping pong balls and the father paid and
then drove to the next town’s hobby store, which was old
and odd, where the man behind the counter said What
can I do for you and the father said I would like some pink
ping pong balls and the man behind the counter said We
only have about five and the father said That’s completely
fine and the man behind the counter said If you would like
I can order some more for you and the father said That’s all
need five and the father said I need almost two barrels full
but it’s all right because I really don’t think I want to
bother with ordering: I’ll just find more hobby stores and
the man behind the counter said That sounds like a lot of
work and the father said I assure you, it’s not as hard a job
as you might think it is, and the man behind the counter
said I feel like I’ve talked to you before somewhere, and the
96 PONG
said I need almost nearly two barrels full but it’s all right
because I really don’t think I want to bother with ordering:
I’ll just find more hobby stores and the man behind the
counter said That sounds like a lot of work and the father
said I assure you, it’s not as hard a job as you might think it
is, and the man behind the counter said I feel like I’ve
talked to you before somewhere, and the father said I
don’t know why that would be: we’ve never met in our
lives, and the man behind the counter said You’re just so
familiar for some reason, and the father said It’s probably
just déjà vu and the man behind the counter said I’m sure,
and he gave the father five pink ping pong balls and the
father paid and then drove to the next town’s hobby store,
which was old and odd, where similar things happened
and the father began building up a stockpile of pink ping
pong balls, and when he was a quarter of a barrel full he
remembered to call a babysitter for his son, and when he
was a third of a barrel full he needed to register for a
driver’s license in a different state, and again at two-thirds,
and again at fifteen-sixteens for the sake of a slightly
gstepl 97
smaller town, and when he was nearly a barrel full he
went to Home Depot and bought a second barrel, but it
didn’t fit in his trunk so he kept it in his passenger’s seat,
where it generated a lot of drag and made it a bit of a
nuisance to drive around, but the father continued going,
onto the next town and its hobby store, where the man
said I need a barrel full but it’s all right because I really
don’t think I want to bother with ordering: I’ll just find
more hobby stores and the man behind the counter said
That sounds like a lot of work and the father said I assure
you, it’s not as hard a job as you might think it is, and the
man behind the counter said I feel like I’ve talked to you
before somewhere, and the father said I don’t know why
that would be: we’ve never met in our lives, and the man
behind the counter said You’re just so familiar for some
reason, and the father said It’s probably just déjà vu and
the man behind the counter said I’m sure, and he gave the
father five pink ping pong balls and the father paid and
then drove to the next town’s hobby store, which was old
and odd, where the man behind the counter said What
can I do for you and the father said I would like some pink
98 PONG
ping pong balls and the man behind the counter said We
only have about five and the father said That’s completely
fine and the man behind the counter said If you would like
I can order some more for you and the father said That’s all
need five and the father said I need nearly a barrel full but
it’s all right because I really don’t think I want to bother
with ordering: I’ll just find more hobby stores and the man
behind the counter said That sounds like a lot of work and
the father said I assure you, it’s not as hard a job as you
might think it is, and the man behind the counter said I
feel like I’ve talked to you before somewhere, and the
man behind the counter said I don’t think so, and the
father said What do you mean, and the man behind the
counter said I’ve heard stories about you, and the father
said About the my killing the man at my old old odd hobby
store because he made it hard to get pink ping pong balls,
and the man behind the counter said No, I’m talking about
the fact that you’re trying to gain a monopoly on pink ping
gstepl 99
pong balls over the old odd hobby stores and the father
said What exactly are you insinuating and the man behind
the counter said I’m insinuating that you’re trying to put
all of us out of business with your Grand Great Hobby Store
somewhere in Europe, and you’re buying out all our stock
in pink ping pong balls because you hate competition and
believe in socialism and the father said No, I’m just trying
to get a barrel full of pink ping pong balls, and the man
behind the counter said If that’s the case then why don’t
you just ask for a barrel full of pink ping pong balls and
spare all of us this drama, and the father said I’ve tried but
to be honest you just don’t have as many pink ping pong
balls as I need, and the man behind the counter said I find
it insulting, your making presumptions about the quantity
of pink ping pong balls my hobby shop contains, it may be
a small shop but it can fill the demands of the majority of
its customers, and the father said I find that quite easy to
believe but it doesn’t change the fact that most customers
don’t demand pink ping pong balls, which makes it rather
understandable that you wouldn’t have pink ping pong
balls available for the first customer to ask for them, and
the man behind the counter said Still, it’s unreasonable for
you to assume the contents of a store which you have
never entered nor heard of before, especially considering
the exceptional quality of the staff that happens to work
there, and the father said It’s not unreasonable at all: the
law of averages would state that your shop doesn’t have
more or less pink ping pong balls than any of the other
stores I have tried to enter, and the man behind the
counter said That’s not how the law of averages works at
100 PONG
all, and the father said How would you know, and the man
behind the counter said I just so happen to have a law
degree from Harvard University (in Massachusetts), and
the father said What does a law degree have to do with
averages, and the man behind the counter said First off
because the law of averages happens to be a law, and the
father said That’s not quite what law school is, and the
man behind the counter said How would you know, and
the father said Because I’m a worldly man who happens to
be quite knowledgable where schooling is concerned,
considering I have a son who I would like to enter college
and whatnot, and the man behind the counter said I
understand why you might think you understand what law
school entitles, but I am the one with the law degree and
so therefore I can dictate what exactly occurs in law school
and the father said Prove it and the man behind the
counter said What and the father said Prove that you have
a law degree and the man behind the counter said I don’t
have it with me in my store and the father said A likely
story and the man behind the counter said No, I insist it’s
the truth, and if you don’t believe me you can search the
store for yourself and tell me if you can find it, and the
father said That’s not what I mean: while I can believe you
don’t have it at the store I believe that’s because you don’t
in fact have a law degree and the man behind the counter
said No, it’s because I like decorating my rather nicely-
furnished house with tasteful items like law degrees and
because I personally hate this job and the father said I
don’t think you have a law degree and the man behind the
counter said Prove it and the father said What and the
gstepl 101
man behind the counter said It seems to have fallen upon
you now to provide evidence for your irrational beliefs and
the father said No, you see, because you work at a dead-
end job at an old, odd hobby store and therefore it is
reasonable to assume that you have no law degree
whatsoever rather than that you have one, that you still
work here, and that you do not keep your degree nearby
you, and the man behind the counter said I work here
because I like my job and the father said You said a minute
ago that you hated it and the man behind the counter said
I was lying and the father said Why would you do that and
the man behind the counter said Because I happen to be
an awful person and the father said Prove it and the man
behind the counter kicked a cat and made it yelp and said
There you go and the father said I take your claim into
careful consideration and will think about it as I judge you
and the man behind the counter said The second reason
why I know about the law of averages is that law students
at Harvard University (in Massachusetts) are required to
take a core curriculum of courses that include a statistics
course, because it helps make up well-rounded and it lets
us impress other people with our Harvard knowledge, and
the father said That makes sense, and the man behind the
counter said Told you so, and the father said No you didn’t,
and the man behind the counter said Anyway, that’s not
actually how the law of averages works, and the father
said Then how does it work, and the man behind the
counter said You see, the law of averages dictates that a
set of idiosyncracies in a set of data which might appear to
be imbalancing in a small case set will eventually average
102 PONG
themselves out as the set of objects from which we derive
our data is increased, until that average asserts itself once
more once the number of sets we have increase to infinity,
and the father said I don’t quite get that, and the man
behind the counter said A perfect example, for instance,
would be a person flipping coins – the first time he flips,
whichever side his coin lands on will have been flipped that
way a full hundred perfect of the time, and if the second
lands the opposite side there will be a fifty-fifty balance but
if it lands on the same side there will be a continued
hundred percent, and the third flip sets the statistics at
thirty-three and sixty-six or a hundred to zero, and with the
fourth it becomes twenty-five twenty-five twenty-five
twenty-five or fifty twenty-five twenty-five or seventy-five
twenty-five or a hundred zero, but probability favors the
twenty-five twenty-five twenty-five twenty-five to the fifty
twenty-five twenty-five to the seventy-five twenty-five to
the hundred zero and so as we flip the various sides even
out, and the father said Does that mean that averages only
apply when you’ve done things an even amount of times,
and the man behind the counter said No, no: you must
remember that these statistics literally deal with averages,
not exact counts, and so therefore the idea deals less with
the exact percentages than it does with the idea that over
time, the two sides approach fifty-fifty, and the father said
But when you were talking you stated twenty-five twenty-
five twenty-five twenty-five, which is a set of four different
values, and the man behind the counter said I misspoke,
and actually I meant that the sets would comprise of fifty
fifty, seventy-five twenty-five, or a hundred zero, which
gstepl 103
would make more sense considering just how many sides
there are on a coin, which is to say, two, and the father
said So the fifty fifty is more likely than the seventy-five
twenty-five is more likely than the hundred zero, then, and
the man behind the counter said Exactly, and the father
said And over an infinite branch of flips, that statistic
approaches a steady fifty-fifty, and the man behind the
counter said Exactly, and the father said Well, then, what
about the various quantum variations on the state of a
coin in various methods of transit, and the man behind the
counter said I don’t quite follow you, and the father said
Are you familiar with quantum physics in any way, and the
man behind the counter said No, actually, not at all, and
the father said Quantum physics declares that there are an
infinite possible variations to any minute action, and that
therefore if you are following an infinite number of coin
tosses then heads and tails must be placed in account with
side, or coin vanishes, or coin transforms into wild musical
ensemble, and many variations of a like sort, and the man
behind the counter said I don’t quite see how this matters,
and the father said Well, the law of averages only works if
you have a very particular set of variations already in
place, considering that it is thrown off by a set of quantum
entities which would completely disfigure the chart, and
the man behind the counter said Yes, but such variations
are minute and can be discounted, and the father said Not
if you want to be statistically accurate about the whole
thing, and the man behind the counter said It’s a matter of
significant figures: the non heads/tails occurances are far
too insignificant to merit any sort of study, and the father
104 PONG
said There is, however, the problem that quantum physics
introduces, which is: in an infinite set of universes there
surely exist some in which probability is distorted so much
that heads and tails are beaten back by some other option,
such as coin endorses Ron Paul for president or coin
explodes, and the man behind the counter said A coin
could theoretically endorse Ron Paul for president at the
same time it landed either heads or tails, and the father
said Theoretically, yes, but again: not in every quantum
instance of a universe, and the man behind the counter
said Either way it doesn’t matter, because this universe is
not one of those quantum singularities, and the father said
We can’t be sure, and the man behind the counter took a
coin from out of his pocket and said Heads or tails, and the
father said That depends on what kind of coin it is, and the
man behind the counter said No it doesn’t, and the father
said Yes, it does: what matters here is not the probability
at stake but rather my response to your question, and it is
entirely possible that I choose a different answer if you
have a penny than if you have a dubloon, out of personal
preference, and the man behind the counter said It’s a
quarter, and the father said Then I pick tails, and the man
behind the counter flipped it and said It’s heads, so you
lose, and the father said, Oh, well, wasn’t my quarter
anyway, and the man behind the counter said It was
actually a nickel, and the father said I thought you said it
was a quarter, and the man behind the counter said I
didn’t see it the right way at first, and the father said If it
had been a nickel I would have picked heads, and the man
behind the counter said Why on earth does it matter what
gstepl 105
type of coin it is, and the father said It’s a matter of luck, I
suppose, and I’m accustomed to my own luck, and the man
behind the counter said It’s not your luck that matters,
since you’re only betting, and I’m the one actually flipping
the coin up and down, and the father said That’s not how
luck works, though, and my individual choice certainly
would have made a difference depending on whether it
was a nickel or a quarter, is what I’m trying to say, and the
man behind the counter said I fixed the spin, so it doesn’t
matter either way, and the father said Well, that makes it
slightly different, and the man behind the counter said
What would you have picked, out of curiosity, if I had been
flipping a dime instead, and the father said Probably tails,
same as the quarter, and the man behind the counter said
What if I had been flipping a penny, but rigged the toss
after you called it, and the father said What a stupid
question, and the man behind the counter said I suppose
you’re right, and the father said Of course, that brings up
another important matter in this debate about averages,
and the man behind the counter said What exactly would
that be, pray tell, and the father said There’s the fact that
achieving some sort of a perfect balance throughout an
infinite regression would be nearly impossible, and the
man behind the counter said I fail to see why that would
be, and the father said Well, every coin has a slight weight
imbalance, due to its creation: the heads side has a
different sort of marking than the tails side, and so there is
a different probability of any sort of coin landing heads
than landing tails, and the man behind the counter said In
that case, we’ll use a double-headed coin, or a double-
106 PONG
tailed coin, for the take of allowing no imbalance, and the
father said But that complicates things further and the
man behind the counter said I fail to see why: I would
assume it would simplify things if anything, and the father
said Tell me, do you think our government makes a habit of
producing double-headed coins and the man behind the
counter said I do not, and the father said In that case, any
double-headed coin minted by the government would in
fact be a flawed creation, which means if anything the
chances of it being flawed in some other way is
increasingly high, meaning any double-headed coin you
might use in such a contest would be erratic and
unpredictable, and the man behind the counter said In
that case, we won’t use an official coin: we’ll use a coin
minted by one of those organizations that makes
completely useless yet amusing products, so that it is one
designed from the start to be double-headed, and the
father said But that brings in an element of uncertainty,
and it introduces the question of whether or not such an
organization can be trusted to create a coin that is evenly
balanced, one that uses pure materials to avoid corruption
in the coin, and so on and so forth, and the man behind the
counter said I think you’re thinking far too much about
this, and the father said There is also a matter of the
tosser: if he favors flipping a coin to rotate one way or to
rotate the other or even – it is possible – not to rotate at
all, and the man behind the counter said I fail to see why
that matters, and the father said Then think of this: what if
he is a tosser like you, who can rig coin tosses and the like
and who manipulates the tossing of the coins to benefit his
gstepl 107
own nefarious plans, and the man behind the counter said
In that case, the likelihood of a perfect fifty fifty balance is
nearly a hundred percent, and the father said But then it’s
not a matter of the law of averages coming to your
defense, it’s a matter of a rigged toss supporting a theory
that may not be provable through the course of scientific
analysis, and the man behind the counter said You
understand this whole coin-tossing theory is, in fact, only a
theory, and the father said Of course I do, but I still find it
important to discuss with you the law of averages, because
you declare that because of your definition of the law you
are capable of providing me with a potential barrel filled
with pink ping pong balls, whereas by my own admittedly
possibly flawed definition you are not, and therefore it is
only through a matter of scientific discussion that we may
determine which is the correct possibility, and the man
behind the counter said Of course, you could just ask me
how many pink ping pong balls there are, and the father
said Yes, that is possible, but I would assume that it is not
something I would get any sort of useful answer from, and
the man behind the counter said I’m offended that you
think I would be anything but useful for you, and the father
said Given past experience I’m sure you won’t be, and the
man behind the counter said What past experience are
you talking about, and the father said Sorry, I’ve had
enough experiences with men behind counters of old odd
hobby stores to be able to make the assumption that
anybody sitting behind the counter of an old odd hobby
shop is likely to be untrustworthy in terms of discourse,
unlikely in terms of delivery, unlikable in terms of carrying
108 PONG
about illicit affairs in Alaska, and possibly the sort of
person who would engender a violent reaction in the sorts
of fathers who buy pink ping pong balls for their sons in
large amounts, and the man behind the counter said You
realize that right now you sound like a madman, and the
father said Yes, I happen to be aware of the fact, and the
man behind the counter said Besides, that is not a problem
of the men behind the counters: if anything, it is the fault
of the fathers buying said pink ping pong balls, because
pink ping pong balls are strange things to want to
purchase in large amounts under any circumstances, and
because the sorts of men who are buying such large
quantities of pink pink pong balls are the sorts who are
undoubtedly irrational in some other way, and because
men who work behind counters of any sort of store are
especially prone to not being capable of providing large
amounts of certain items on demand, if the item is in fact a
rare sort, and pink ping pong balls certainly fit into this
category, and this is true especially for smaller stores such
as old odd hobby shops rather than larger stores such as
Home Depot, where suppies are limited (I mean the old
odd hobby shops, not Home Depot), and so therefore any
sort of large order has a high likelihood of placing stress on
the father, and therefore increases the probability of some
violent act or another, and I’m surprised you would
mention a place like Alaska, which has essentially nothing
to do with anything that matters whatsoever, and the
father said I suppose you’re right, and the man behind the
counter said I’m actually quite sure I’m right, and the
father said In which case, my apologies for taking such a
gstepl 109
long time debating the law of averages with you, and the
man behind the counter said No worries: it’s rare that a
man from Harvard University (in Massachusetts) is able to
discuss scientific terms with a man of lesser education, and
the father said Actually, I happen to have been an English
major from Yale University (in Connecticut), and we had to
take a core curriculum as well, and the man behind the
counter said Is that so, and the father said It is, and the
man behind the counter said If you do in fact hail from
Yale University (in Connecticut) then it would seem that we
are mortal rivals and enemies, and he drew a gun from
behind the counter but the father drew his son’s gun first
and shot him several times, and the man behind the
counter said Now you’ve spilled my guts and whatnot all
over the counter, and now I’m going to have to clean it up,
and the father said Shut up and die already, and the man
behind the counter said That’s not a very polite way to talk
to somebody you killed, and the father said It’s not
common for somebody to talk politely to somebody they’ve
killed, and the man behind the counter said You’ve got a
point, and the father said Actually, could you tell me where
your pink ping pong balls are located before you die, and
the man behind the counter said I actually don’t have any
pink ping pong balls, and the father said Really and the
man behind the counter said Yes and the father said Then
what was all that about you having barrels full and the
man behind the counter said I only said one barrel full to
begin with and the father said Then what was all that
about you having a barrel full and the man behind the
counter said That was not me expressing my possession of
110 PONG
a barrel full of pink ping pong balls so much as it was me
expressing outrage at your immediate assumption of my
lack of pink ping pong balls, followed by my attempt to
subvert a possible worker at a Grand Great Hobby Store in
Europe with talk to hopefully present the rise of socialism
and the father said In that case, the law of averages would
predict that there is another store that has ten pink ping
pong balls or more to make up for your store’s complete
lack of pink ping pong balls and the man behind the
counter said That’s not a statistical certainly: there is every
chance that my store is the only exception to the pink ping
pong ball set and that you will not find any more than five
pink ping pong balls no matter where exactly you go
searching and the father said In that case, how would that
factor in to the law of averages and the man behind the
counter said Perhaps my store is a commonplace exception
and one that occurs in multiple places, in which case the
overall average per store would be something like four
rather than five, or in the long run, if I am the only
exception, the total average will approach five as-is, and so
we are left with the exact same predicament as you found
yourself in before, wherein despite your foolish bluster
there is still an average of five balls nonetheless, and the
father said That wasn’t my foolish bluster at all: I merely
insisted that your original claim to a barrel of pink ping
pong balls was not statistically likely, considering the
output of the other stores and the man behind the counter
said As it turns out, you were wrong anyway, and I had
none, so your law of averages is foiled again, and the
father said We’ve been over this: the law of averages does
gstepl 111
not deal with particulars, only with sets of averages, and
the man behind the counter said I am actually rather tired
of discussing this with you: I think I’ll die now and the
father said Don’t be a bad sport and the man behind the
counter said nothing and the father said Don’t be a bad
sport again and the man behind the counter said nothing
and the father said Don’t be a bad sport again and the
man behind the counter said nothing and the father said
Don’t be a bad sport again and the man behind the
counter said nothing and the father said Don’t be a bad
sport again and the man behind the counter said nothing
and the father said I see you’ve died and the man behind
the counter said Not really, I was only fooling you, and the
father said That’s not quite a kind thing to do, and the man
behind the counter said Neither was your shooting me, for
that matter, and the father said I couldn’t help it, you had
a gun, and the man behind the counter said I couldn’t help
that: you’re from Yale University (in Connecticut), and the
father said I couldn’t help that: I wanted a decent
education, and the man behind the counter said You could
have gone to school with me, and the father said But I
didn’t want to go to Harvard University (in Massachusetts),
and the man behind the counter said It’s not quite polite
for you to be insulting me after you shot me, and the
father said At least I’m not urinating on you, and the man
behind the counter said That’s disgusting: why would you
think of something like that, and the father said I’m not
very sure, but it seemed fitting, and the man behind the
counter said How is urination ever fitting after you’ve killed
somebody, and the father said I’ve got a few responses to
112 PONG
that but I don’t think any of them are appropriate and the
man behind the counter said You need help, you’ve killed a
man and you’ve insulted Harvard University (in
Massachusetts), and the father said Honestly, I’m not such
a big fan of your constant whining and your lack of pink
ping pong balls, and the man behind the counter said
nothing and the father said Are you dead now and the man
behind the counter said nothing and the father said
Frankly I don’t care if you’re dead any more: I have more
pressing concerns and the man behind the counter said
nothing and the father said I’m leaving now and the man
behind the counter said nothing and the father shot him
again and the man behind the counter said nothing and
the father drove to the next town’s hobby store, which
was old and odd, where the man behind the counter said
What can I do for you and the father said I would like some
pink ping pong balls and the man behind the counter said
We only have about five and the father said That’s
completely fine and the man behind the counter said If you
would like I can order some more for you and the father
said Hold up a minute and the man behind the counter
said What is it and the father said I’d like to know where
you went to school and the man behind the counter said
Harvard University (in Massachusetts) and the father shot
him and the man behind the counter said What was that
for and the father said It’ll spare me a bit of time later on
and the man behind the counter said I see and the father
said I’m going to leave now and the man behind the
counter said Makes perfect sense to me and the father
drove to the next town’s hobby store, which was old and
gstepl 113
odd, where the man behind the counter said What can I
do for you and the father said Where did you go to school
and the man behind the counter said Harvard University
(in and the father shot him and said Don’t worry, I have a
perfectly logical reason behind it all and the man behind
the counter opened his mouth to speak but the father left
the store and drove to the next town’s hobby store, which
was old and odd, where the man behind the counter said
What can I do for you and the father said Where did you
go to school and the man behind the counter said
Princeton University (in New Jersey) and the father said
What do you know of the relationships between Princeton
University (in New Jersey) and Yale University (in
Connecticut) and the man behind the counter said What
exactly do you mean and the father said Are they rivals, or
do they get along, and how do their various academic
programs stack up, and how do their former alumni react
to one another and the man behind the counter said I’m
not sure but I know Princeton University (in New Jersey)
and Harvard University (in Massachusetts) are rivals and
the father said So are Harvard University (in
Massachusetts) and Yale University (in Connecticut) which
would make Princeton University (in New Jersey) and Yale
University (in Connecticut) allies in the struggle and the
man behind the counter said There really is no struggle
between the three schools, just a friendly sort of rivalry,
and the father said I beg to differ, and the man behind the
counter said Anyway, I’m not sure how Princeton
University (in New Jersey) feels about Yale University (in
Connecticut) but I know it is often hated by Harvard
114 PONG
University (in Massachusetts) because they are loathe to
admit that we have the better schooling and a far better-
looking campus and nobody really likes Massachussetts
anyway, and the father said I would argue that Yale
University (in Connecticut) is a better school than either of
the other two and the man behind the counter said I don’t
think anybody would argue that, with the exception of
former Yale University (in Connecticut) alumni and the
father said I am a former Yale University (in Connecticut)
alumni and the man behind the counter said Well, and
pulled out a gun and fired once at the father which missed,
and the father shot the man behind the counter and ran
out the door with gunshots still following him, and then
walked back in and dodged a bullet and said Usually
people I shoot don’t keep shooting at me and the man
behind the counter said That’s because most people you
shoot aren’t Jersey men with degrees in political science
and the father shot him again and said Shut up and drove
to the next town’s hobby store, which was old and odd,
where the man behind the counter said What can I do for
you and the father said Where did you go to school and the
man behind the counter said I’m home-schooled, and the
father said Thank God, and the man behind the counter
said It’s really a more beneficial method of learning for
young children, considering it allows them to progress at
their own pace and not worry about standardized systems
designed to monitor them but which end up holding them
back and the father said That is a very logical thought
process and the man behind the counter said Oh, and Yale
sucks eggs and the father said Now you’ve done it and shot
gstepl 115
him repeatedly and drove to the next town’s hobby store,
which was old and odd, where the man behind the
counter said What can I do for you and the father said Pink
ping pong balls: give them to me and the man behind the
counter said Okay, sure thing and the father said Don’t talk
to me about college whatsoever and the man behind the
counter said I wasn’t planning on it and the father said
Good and the man behind the counter said How many do
you need and the father said How many do you have and
the man behind the counter said A barrel full and the
father said I don’t believe you and the man behind the
counter said Look right next to you and the father looked
and said Well, that makes things a bit easier, and the man
behind the counter said I thought you would come around,
and the father said I’ll take them all, and the man behind
the counter said You’re a man of fine tastes, and the father
said That’s a nice thing of you to say, and the man behind
the counter said I wouldn’t say if I didn’t believe it, and the
father said You seem to be a bit more honorable than your
brethren counter-workers, and the man behind the
counter said It’s no doubt because unlike them, I attended
Yale University (in Connecticut) and the father said What a
surprise, and the man behind the counter said Why’s that,
and the father said I happen to also be a graduate of the
Yale University (in Connecticut), and the man behind the
counter said That’s odd and then Yes, I think I remember
you, and the father said What a pleasant surprise, perhaps
I remember you as well and the man behind the counter
said I was the one who had a summer job working for the
nearby new hobby store and the father said I think I do
116 PONG
remember you, after all, and the man behind the counter
said It’s always nice to meet an old friend, and the father
said Especially when one is expecting something horrible
like the other counter-workers in hobby stores, and the
man behind the counter said Aren’t they awful and the
father said Without a doubt and the man behind the
counter said I often fantasized about shooting each of
them and sending their bodies back to their assorted
Institutes of Higher Learning, and the father said I didn’t
send their bodies back to the assorted Institutes of Higher
Learning but I did shoot them and the man behind the
counter paused and said, cautiously, Why did you do that
and the father said I had no choice, many of them were
shooting at me and the other ones also attended similar
schools and the man behind the counter said You can’t do
that sort of thing: it’s indecent and impolite and the father
said I agree that I went overboard but on the other hand I
can’t quite undo the past so it’s not worth dwelling over
and the man behind the counter said That’s a fairly weak
philosophy for you to be throwing your weight behind and
the father said It probably is, but at the same time my
hands are tied and the man behind the counter said This is
a bit of a dilemma for me, you being a fellow Yale
University member and whatnot but also being a
confessed murderer and whatnot and also being a
purveyor of my various pink ping pong balls, and the father
said I hope you don’t turn me in, because that sort of thing
would be terribly upsetting and also very sad and also my
son would be very ashamed of me and that would
generally make me feel bad and the man behind the
gstepl 117
counter said True, but when you shot my colleagues you
probably also made them feel bad, to be fair, and the
father said You make a good point, which I think is why we
are such good friends, and the man behind the counter
said We’re not actually friends, more casual
acquaintances, and the father said In my line of work
casual acquaintances are all friends anyway, and the man
behind the counter said Your line of work makes me feel
better about my choice to live a secluded life as a hobby
store worker rather than to enter the real world and
possibly brave a life filled with despair and hopelessness
and the father said Your line of work makes me feel
despondency at a world which cannot make pink ping pong
balls quickly, so I think we really both have pretty drastic
grievances going on here and the man behind the counter
said You realize that you just compared something like
your not getting a colored sports item (It’s not a real sport,
said the father, but the man behind the counter ignored
this) to my choice to live a life of philosophical differences
aside from people whom I once knew and loved, and the
father said I do realize that, and the man behind the
counter said You realize what a shallow way of looking at
things that is, and the father said I’m not entirely certain
but I think I understand, and the man behind the counter
said Suddenly I’m starting to understand you far better,
and the father said I can’t help being one-dimensional, and
the man behind the counter said I think I’m starting to get
that, and the father said It’s a bit of a tragedy and the man
behind the counter said I wouldn’t necessarily define it as
such and the father said Either way, you understand why I
118 PONG
need to do this and the man behind the counter said I do
and the father said Can I take your pink ping pong balls
and the man behind the counter said I’m not sure and the
father said I’ll make cute little puppy dog eyes if you don’t
give them to me and the man behind the counter said I
find that slightly disturbing and the father said Which
means that the advantage here is clearly mine and the
man behind the counter said That’s one way of looking at
it but I think it’s more just that I find that slightly disturbing
and the father said How about you give me the barrel just
this once and then I never come back to your store ever
again and you can live your life in peace and solitude or
whatever you were talking about and the man behind the
counter said I was actually referring to my choice of
isolationism in society: by estranging myself from those
who I once knew and loved, and by taking an obscure job
in the middle of nowhere (the father said That reminds me:
where are we exactly and the man behind the counter said
You mean in terms of relationship or in terms of physical
space and the father said Physical space and the man
behind the counter said I would say you’re at the counter
and I’m behind it but that sort of misleading attempt at
Zen is beneath me and the father agreed and the man
behind the counter said I’m not really sure, but we’re
probably still in America), I chose not to live in a society
that alienates various elements of mankind and creates a
false class system whose only reward is stress and
occasionally feather beds, and instead attempt to live my
life in quiet introspection, thinking about the sorts of
people whose lives revolve around an artificial system
gstepl 119
which has no meaning and which occasionally drives them
to violence and the father said That’s very interesting: do
people really get drawn up in systems like that and the
man behind the counter said Theoretically, yes and the
father said Well, can I have my pink ping pong balls and
there was an ironic rim shot pause and the man behind
the counter said Promise to never come back and the
father said Sure thing and the man behind the counter said
You still have to pay and the father said How much is it and
the man behind the counter told him and the father paid
and said See you around and the man behind the counter
said Not really and the father said I might see you at Yale
College (in Connecticut) alumni regroupings and the man
behind the counter said Possibly and the father put the
barrel in the trunk of his car and gave the pink ping pong
balls to his son for his next birthday and for a year didn’t
speak to his son or to anybody and spent most of his time
sleeping and watching the news and occasionally reading
newsletters from the college he had attended and the
week before his son’s birthday he asked his son what he
wanted for his birthday and his son said I would like four
barrels full of and the father interrupted and said There
will be no barrels for this birthday, I’m sick and tired of
barrels and nobody likes barrels and nobody sells things by
the barrel unless it’s oil and I’m not giving you oil for your
birthday no matter what you think I’ll get for you, and the
son said Fine, I won’t ask for barrels, I would like and the
father said I am sick and tired of your strange obsession
with these pink ping pong balls and frankly, I think it’s
going to have to stop now rather than later, and you
120 PONG
haven’t told me anything about these pink ping pong balls
and it disgusts me and you’re supposed to be young and
respectful towards me because I’m your father I’ll remind
you and for that matter why aren’t you on a drug habit by
now, you’re old enough and to see you not on drugs is
frankly outrageous and I can’t believe you have the nerve
to openly defy me in such an outrageously impolite manner
and most fathers aren’t nice enough to shoot people for
the sake of a birthday present or for that matter engage in
metaphilosophical debates from the sorts of scumbags
who attended Institutes of Higher Learning that weren’t (in
Connecticut) and for that matter drive across states buying
pink ping pong balls five pink ping pong balls at a time and
I didn’t even have a good CD to listen to so the rides were
all monotonous and there wasn’t much to think about and
I still don’t get why exactly your gun never runs out of
ammo or why you even have a gun and it all rather
confuses me and it makes me a tad sick in a subtle sort of
way and I would like you to stop rolling your eyes at me
because I am making very valid points that I think are
worth some degree of consideration and you wouldn’t
know any of this because the only time you met any sort of
person who worked at a hobby store you thought he was
your uncle which doesn’t make sense, I mean I don’t have
any siblings and neither did your mother and besides your
uncle doesn’t work behind the counter at an old odd hobby
store, if anything he’s a lawyer, and I would also like to
point out the fact that there are policemen with guns who
don’t like the way I’ve been disrespectfully killing people
even if those people accused me of socialism which is an
gstepl 121
invalid point seeing as I happen to be a great fan of the
ideas of laissez-faire even though it does lead to economic
imbalance because in all honesty I believe that life isn’t fair
and that eventually the best rise to the top and that that’s
a good thing and that people who don’t rise to the top
don’t because they don’t care or something and besides
there are many very famous novels that deal with
capitalism and that dislike socialism and I read quite a few
and they weren’t bad whereas many novels with a pro-
socialist bent come across as preachy, and even though
some don’t it doesn’t matter because frankly I’m still not a
fan of socialism and while it might be sound in theory, thus
far it hasn’t worked in practice which really isn’t such a
good indicator and my point is I’ve gone through a whole
lot to get you whatever it is that you’ve asked me for, and
every time it’s pink ping pong balls, basically, which makes
no sense whatsoever and so I think really that’s not quite
normal, not that I would insult you because that would be
child abuse, but it’s not normal, and you’re not telling me
anything about it, and so I’m going through doing all sorts
of things for the sake of you and your mad, sickening,
enraging, disgusting, horrid, pink, pink ping pong balls and
you’re not even showing any gratitude you just keep asking
me again and again and again and again and again and
again and again and again and you’ll probably keep asking
me for these pink ping pong balls which mysteriously
vanish in mysterious sorts of ways and frankly, I find that
outrageous in and of itself because natural laws and
whatnot demand that things that enter a household on a
son’s birthday should leave it in normal ways that don’t
122 PONG
involve sudden vanishment which isn’t really a word but
which I think sums up exactly how outrageous and horrible
all this is but instead every single time I give you them they
just disappear with no trace and you being a young child
whose voice hasn’t even cracked yet you shouldn’t be the
sort of person who’s capable of making things disappear
immediately and so I find it offensive because you haven’t
even told me how to do something like that and I being
your father might have use for things like that when I’m
doing special, secret adult things and generally I’m mad,
mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad at you and the son said
Are you finished and the father said No and the son said
What else and the father said I would also point out that
people have shot at me in my pink ping pong ball quest
and they have generally done the sorts of things that I find
to be very threatening and non-life affirming and you don’t
seem to care and that indicates sociopathic tendencies on
your part considering just how insane and even absurd it is
to shoot several people all of whom work behind the
counters at old odd hobby shops and all of whom are
frustrating and incompetent and annoying in various
different ways that tend to make interactions unpleasant
and so on and on and on until you’re forced to shoot them
just to relieve the stress or you could probably get
prescription medicine but I don’t do things like that
because I fear some sort of addiction and the son said Pop,
you’re beginning to babble and the father said I don’t care
because frankly I’m pretty offended and because babbling
isn’t always such a bad thing now is it and the son said It is
a bad thing and the father said It isn’t a bad thing and the
gstepl 123
son said It is a bad thing because right now I’m losing
respect for you as a father and a role model which is
always a saddening, disappointing thing, and because I
have always expected some sort of a bond between me
and my father and because that bond is breaking now
because you’re babbling and frankly I don’t care about
your thoughts on prescription medicine and the father said
If you don’t stop now I’m going to get you a big sack of
coal for your birthday and you won’t be able to play ping
pong any more and the son said That’s not what I’m using
it for anyway and the father said What are you using it for,
then and the son said I told you last year I wouldn’t tell you
for two years at the least and the father said I’m not sure if
next year is soon enough and the son said You don’t
understand: you talked about it again so I’m not going to
be able to do anything regarding talking to you or anything
regarding pink ping pong balls (excepting of course my
asking you for them) for at least another three years,
possibly fifty and the father said You wouldn’t possibly take
that long to tell me and the son said It’s already been quite
a long time that I’ve gotten away without telling you a
thing, you know, and right now it doesn’t look like it’ll
become any harder for me, and the father said You make a
very sad point, and now I will have to re-evaluate my
willingness to let you get away without explaining things
to me, and the son said Pop, you don’t quite understand,
I’ll get away with it because you happen to be extremely
stupid and you’ll let me basically get away with murder
because I’ll just say something like I’m sorry and you’ll
forgive me and just tell me never to do it again which
124 PONG
won’t teach me any sort of moral lesson but essentially will
actually encourage me to get away with things like that
more and more often, and the father said That’s it: I’m
disowning you and then I’m going to beat you and call you
names, and the son said I’m sorry, Pop, I don’t know what I
was thinking, and the father said That’s alright, everybody
gets upset at times, and you’ll always be a valued member
of the family, and the son said See, that’s how stupid and
gullible you are, and the father said That’s it: prepare to be
disowned and to become an orphan and the son said I’m
sorry, Pop, I didn’t mean it, I was just teasing and the
father said It’s alright, I was teasing too, and the son
smirked, and the father said It’s not polite to smirk, and
the son said I’m sorry, Pop, and the father said I’m
guessing you’re going to want some pink ping pong balls
for your birthday, and the son said No, actually, I would
like a barrel full of oil and the father said I know I said I
wouldn’t get you one but frankly, if it encourages your
growing out of this pink ping pong ball phase then I’m all
for it, and over the next week he contacted a foreign
relations worker from Washington, and managed to
procure a barrelful of oil for his son, who looked surprised
and said I can’t believe you actually got me a barrel of oil
and the father said It’s because I hold a great deal of love
for you, and because we’ve known each other for so long,
and because I’ve proven to you a hundred times that I will
get you anything you ask for, because I’m the sort of father
who dotes on his son like mad out of a sort of fearful
remembrance for the latter’s mother, and because I would
like to think that when I am not shooting somebody I am in
gstepl 125
general a kind sort of father and the son said That’s not
what I’m talking about whatsoever, Pop, and the father
said What do you mean, and the son said I was surprised
because I didn’t really want a barrel full of oil, and because
I asked you for one in a sarcastic manner, and the father
said You don’t want a barrel of oil, then, and the son said
Of course not and the father said Why not and the son said
What would I do with a barrel full of oil and the father said
Then why did you ask for one and the son said It’s a sort of
sarcasm on my part, and I thought you understood that,
and the father said No, I thought you were being serious,
and the son said I actually wanted more pink ping pong
balls, really, and the father said You could have asked me
for those instead of resorting to sarcasm which is really a
very impolite way to handle things, and the son said You’re
such an idiot sometimes, Pop, and the father said That’s it,
I’m disowning you, and the son said I’m sorry, and the
father said No you’re not, and the son said You’ve seen
through my clever ruse, and the father said So I’m going to
disown you now and the son said You can’t do that and the
father said Yes I can and the son said No you can’t and the
father said Yes I can and the son said No you can’t, I won’t
let you and the father said You’re not at a legal age, and I
am, and so you are completely powerless in this regard,
and the son said Yes, but I can apologize very well, and the
father said That you can but at this point it won’t be
enough because I am fairly upset at you right now, and the
son said In that case it seems I shall have to destroy you
and the father said What does that mean and the son said
Nothing, it was a bad joke and the father said Don’t joke:
126 PONG
disownment is a serious business and the son said But I’m
trying to make it seems lighter because I can’t handle the
stress of losing my father, I think, and the father said Look,
I think I’m going to disown you now and the son said
Please don’t and the father said I think I’m going to
regardless of what you say and the son said Okay then and
the father drove to a nearby place where he could get
disownment papers, like a courthouse, and he paid good
money and got some disownment papers and he put his
son’s name on it and he signed and then he went home
and called his son names and beat him a bit and then he
said I expect you’ll go to an orphanage for a little while
now, to make up for your not having a father any more
and the son said I’ll live here, thanks and the father said
You can’t live here because I’m living here and the son said
We could just live together, you know and the father said
No, that won’t work at all, a part of this is because I don’t
really want to live with you any more and the son said You
could move out and the father said You could go to an
orphanage and the son said You could move out and the
father said No, I think you’ll go to an orphanage, if that
makes any sense to you and the son said It does but I don’t
want to be an orphan and the father said You should have
thought about that before you did this whole thing about
you wanting pink ping pong balls for years and years and
then asking about oil instead and the son said You’re
probably right and the father said Let’s go to the
orphanage and he took the son to the orphanage and
went home for a while, and thought to himself, and finally
decided that he didn’t want to live at home after all, and
gstepl 127
so he became a monk at some far away monastery and
lived in complete silence and never thought about pink
ping pong balls ever ever ever and he missed his son’s
birthday the next year and didn’t ever realize it and life
went on peacefully for the most part from there on out
except for the fact that it didn’t, and the year after that his
son walked into the monastery with a bald head and said I
have returned, father, and the father said I’m not your
father because I disowned you, and the son said it doesn’t
matter in the eyes of the great spirit who runs this
monastery, who dictates the wholesome value of a father-
son relationship, and the father said This is not a religious
monastery, it is agnostic in nature, and the son said I have
decided to worship a great spirit and put him in charge of
the monastery, and the father said Why did you shave your
head and the son said Because I’m thirteen and rebellious
right about now, and because frankly it’s time for me to
show my rebellious nature in as open a way as possible
and because people of a rebellious nature shave their head
probably because they don’t want to waste money on
shampoo and conditioners and brushes and combs and so
it makes economic sense and it also makes it easy to join
the military as opposed to if you have long hair, and the
father said Would you really join the military, and the son
said No but I’m not done yet, and the father stayed silent,
and the son said That’s better, and then My hair is also
shaved in part because I’m attempting to convey my
support for all the monks of this monastery and their
spiritual beliefs: even if they don’t believe in the great spirit
I do their focused belief is something I would like to focus
128 PONG
on in my rebellious sort of way, and the father said At this
monastery there aren’t many people who have actually
shaved their heads, so you just look rather foolish, and the
son said Why is it you’re acting so hostile towards me, and
the father said I’m not acting hostile, it’s just that I find
your shaving your head to be rather silly and I’m not quite
sure why exactly you chose to do it and the son said You
don’t understand me, nobody understands me, I hate this
life, I can’t believe what you’ve done to me, life sucks, and
it’s almost my thirteenth birthday, and the father said I
wasn’t aware of the time’s passage, and the son said On
your birthday I could buy you a watch if it would make
things easier for you, and the father said I think the point is
that I’m so caught up in my own monastic procedures that
I don’t have time to worry about the time and the son said
That might explain your attitude and the father said It has
been a very long time since we spoke and the son said That
is correct and the father said Tell me: what has been
happening in your life since I disowned you, and the son
said Well, when you left at first I had nowhere to go but I
quickly found myself an orphanage somewhere outside
California and I asked the proprietors of the estate if I
could stay and they said they wanted to talk to my parents
and I said I didn’t have any parents and they said that’s the
right answer and they let me in and I quickly became a
scrappy young orphan of the sorts you’d find in novels
including the parts with the cruel proprietors of the estate
who were rather cruel and beat me when I was an uppity
young brat as they put it and I cried often but slowly I
began to befriend other orphans whose names were first
gstepl 129
Jill Jack and Desmond though later Desmond was not quite
so friendly as he got older and had to work for a living and
when he left we befriended Ralph who was the one who
had not liked Desmond previously as it was and Ralph’s
good friend Roger and Roger’s friend Rick who were all not
our friends previously because of the fact that Roger had
followed Ralph and Rick had followed Roger and eventually
it was okay because we were all friends united against the
common enemy Ms Samuelson and her father who was
another proprietor and who had a large salt and pepper
beard that was long and made me think he was a
respectful figure until it turned out he was merely old and
really not very deserving of respect because he smoked a
pipe a lot and occasionally drank from a large jug of
probably alcohol and occasionally took out some fine white
powder and took it up his nose and occasionally injected
himself with a needle and occasionally put a strip of paper
in his mouth and danced about screaming about the elves
who were clawing through his eyeballs and Ms Samuelson
would avoid him because she was not quite so bad but she
was still fairly awful due to the fact that she would
constantly correct us on our grammar and she would spell
many words with a u that did not need a u and that was all
usually just ridiculous and we would all stay up at night
because she told us not to and we would tell funny jokes
that involved her falling down the stairs and getting hurt
often in humorous ways and then Jill started talking to Jack
more which I was fine with but which Rick who was Roger’s
friend wasn’t and Rick would start talking to her more but
she didn’t want to talk to him and then Jill and Jack started
130 PONG
kissing which I was fine with but Rick looked upset until he
ran away from the orphanage because as it turns out he
had spent long periods of time awake late at night thinking
about Jill and occasionally trying to sing songs about her
which we had all heard but thought it was because he
probably did drugs or something like that and so Rick got
upset and confronted Jack and challenged him to a gun
fight but Jack and Rick did not have guns so they instead
called each other names a lot which I found to be quite
immature but Jill laughed a lot more at what Jack said in a
good way and so they continued kissing and occasionally
sleeping near each other and telling each other secrets and
whatnot and then Jill got kicked out of the orphanage
because of the fact that she was getting fat and Ms
Samuelson did not approve of that sort of hygiene and I’m
sure you know how that is and so Rick got very upset and
would sulk a lot until Jack reminded him that he ought to
be the one getting upset considering the fact that he was
the one who had been kissing Jill and that stuff and Rick
sat there and I think decided Jack was right and so they
became friends again but then Rick left so they weren’t
really friends but we were still pretty happy until Lucy
came in and then Roger and she started talking and again
Rick was jealous but it turned out to be all right because
Rick won the lottery and he didn’t come back again and we
all stayed up and congratulated him though we didn’t
actually get to see him and then Lucy was very upset
because she thought that Rick’s winning the lottery was
very exciting and Roger was upset at that and said some
bad things to her and then Lucy came to me and we kissed
gstepl 131
a lot which was alright but I still don’t really see the point
in people doing things like that through Roger wasn’t very
happy and it was all right because he hung out an awful lot
with Ralph and so I didn’t see very much of the two of
them or anything like that and then Lucy told me one day
that she was going to run away and explore the world and
I told her that I loved her though I didn’t really and that I
would stay right at the orphanage because that was where
I belonged when really I ought to have been with my father
who loved me very deeply and who was supposed to take
care of me through all the hard times thick and thin and so
she left one day and then it was just me and Roger and
Ralph and Desmond was still there but he really wasn’t a
very important character in the story at all whatsoever
because he was always out working and making money
and buying lottery tickets and then Lucy came back for a
bit and we tried playing basketball to pass the time
because we were very bored but it didn’t turn out very well
and then one day another orphan turned up and he spoke
strangely and didn’t have a name but he taught us all
martial arts because he claimed it was the sort of thing
that orphans had to learn to protect their lineage and we
all agreed with him because in secret we thought him to be
a bit funny but at the same time exotic and Lucy talked to
him a lot because she found him enthralling not that I
cared because seriously it was entirely a matter of
boredom for me and nothing that I cared enough to fight
and protect in my own free time and over time we all
became very capable at fighting seeing as this mysterious
orphan was an expert with throwing various objects very
132 PONG
hard and with unerring precision and I learned how to kick
box in a very powerful way because the whole idea was
being a very powerful human being and whatnot and
Roger became an expert marksman not only with guns but
with crossbows and longbows and shortbows and even
with those crossbows that reload themselves and catapults
and trebuchets and possibly even super soakers but we
never really saw any evidence of that because after all
super soakers weren’t the sort of serious things we were
dealing with when we were training and Ralph learned to
yell and shape his voice into various sorts of weaponry and
generally destroy things using his magical powers and Lucy
didn’t learn very much because she was always spending
time with this mysterious orphan and he didn’t think he
wanted her to learn how to fight but she drew everything
we were doing and also how to write in Japanese for the
sake of seeming authentic and together we tried to come
up with a name for what we could call ourselves but
nothing came of it because we all had different ideas and
so I decided to leave for a little while and explore the world
and shave my head and enter this monastery to enter in
the annual kickboxing tournament or if there wasn’t one to
create it and I figured I’d also ask for a birthday present
just for old times’ sake and the father said What you’re
telling me doesn’t make any sense and the son said Here’s
basically what the last two years were all about for me and
he kicked the wall of the monastery and it exploded and
turned to dust and the son faced his father and said That’s
what I’ve been doing and the father said That’s not a bad
thing to learn when you’re young considering bullies and
gstepl 133
all and the son said I thought we should have called our
team the Moores after that one guy who did the comics
but they didn’t like that idea and they said too many
people had the last name of Moore and none of us did
which didn’t make sense so we broke up and anyway that’s
why I’m here and the father said Did you kick your pink
ping pong balls habit and the son said That’s actually a
part of the reason why I’m here because I happen to want
some pink ping pong balls and the father said Wait and the
son said What and the father said I’m going to use a
comma, because I find this too hard to follow as-is, and
then Why do you want pink ping pong balls if you haven’t
had any anyway for about two years, and the son said We
should probably talk about that, and the father said What
do you mean, and the son said I mean I’ve been financing
my pink ping pong balls over the last two years by selling
drugs to the other children at the orphanage, and the
father said What kinds of drugs, and the son said I’ve
actually been selling a lot of different kinds of drugs, really
quite a variety, and the father said You can’t be selling
drugs, you’re my son and I won’t allow that, and the son
said You told me you wanted me to use drugs from now on
and the father said Well are you using the ones you sell
and the son said No, I’m not a fan of drugs, and the father
said In that case you’re not helping anybody but yourself,
and you’re really just wasting other people away for the
sake of your stupid pink ping pong balls, and the son said
They are not stupid, and the father said They are stupid,
and the son said If you say that again I will kick box you
and you will explode, and the father said nothing, and the
134 PONG
son said Anyway, I’ve been picking up drugs from my
various contacts in the city and then reselling them to
various people with severe drug habits, then finding
various sources who possess pink ping pong balls and
taking them off their hands for them, and generally
keeping myself aloft, and the father said I still don’t get
what you like pink ping pong balls for and the son said I
really can’t tell you at this time because this monastery is
not the right place for me to tell you, but I assure you that
there is a definite reason why I have sought them for so
many years, and the father said Honestly, there had better
be an amazing reason or I will be sorely disappointed, and
the son said I know, and the father said What exactly do
you want for your birthday, and the son said I would like
four barrels filled with pink ping pong balls for my eleventh
birthday, and then for my twelfth I would like eight barrels
filled with pink ping pong balls, and for the thirteenth I
won’t ask for sixteen barrels filled with pink ping pong balls
because it would be a bit of a ridiculous amount to ask so I
would like a room filled with pink ping pong balls instead,
and the father said Look, first things first I’m not getting
you any four barrels of pink ping pong balls for your
eleventh birthday, because I got you a barrel filled with oil
that you barely even touched, and second things second
I’m not getting you eight barrels filled with pink ping pong
balls for your twelfth because I disowned you for a reason,
and third things last I would like to remind you that you are
still disowned and I might not get you any pink ping pong
balls unless I have some sort of magnificent good reason
and I’m not quite sure I do have a good reason, so there,
gstepl 135
and the son said I hope you know that you’re not being a
good role model, and that you’re making me apathetic and
in fact sociopathic, and that this may have adverse effects
on my health as I begin to grow older, and the father said
Frankly, I don’t care if you’re sociopathic because it’s done
wonders for me in life and I simply am not a good enough
father to care about the effect my maniacal whims are
having on my son, and the son said In that case, perhaps
you will be slightly more affected when I tell you my second
thing, which is that if you don’t get me those pink ping
pong balls then I will kick box you, and my kickboxing has
explosive effects on the human anatomy, namely that it
causes you to explode, and for that matter, I would like you
to pay to fix the wall of the monastery that you broke if we
take into account cause and effect and realize that
everything I do can be blamed on you and for good reason,
considering without you I would never have been
motivated to become an orphan in the first place, and the
father said That’s probably the worst excuse for getting me
to do anything that you’ve ever used on me, and the son
said You’ll have to fix it in some way or another if you’re a
resident here, and I’ll remind you that if you don’t fix it
you’ll probably have to meditate or something to get
forgiveness or whatever, and the father said I’m actually
going to quit the monastery, since the whole point of my
being here was so that you wouldn’t follow me, you know,
and the son said I know, and the father said For that
matter, I’m not sure how you even found me considering I
abandoned you before I came here and beat you a bit and
the son said I asked one of my regulars, who’s in the Mafia,
136 PONG
and apparently he told me the Mafia basically knows
everything and they’ve got a big supply of pink ping pong
balls in store for people who do them favors, and the
father said I’m not about to join the Mafia, and I don’t
think you should be getting involved with any sort of
Mafia, and why can’t you just get pink ping pong balls
from them without using me as a sort of medium, and the
son said You don’t have to join the Mafia, just do them
favors, which isn’t that big just killing people really, and
I’m not involved in the Mafia just the drug trade which is a
bit safer and not as lucrative, and I’m getting pink ping
pong balls from them as well but it’s not enough for my
purposes, so I’ve come to ask you as well, and the father
said What makes you think I am the sort of person who can
get more, and the son said You’re a bit of a legend, old
man, after you put away Eugene for life and then killed a
bunch of Harvard and Princeton graduates, and the father
said You mean Harvard University (in Massachusetts) and
Princeton University (in New Jersey), I believe, and the son
said I’m not a fan of overblown titles, and the father said
Continue, and the son said You’re a bit of a legend, old
man, after you put away Eugene for life and then killed a
bunch of Harvard and Princeton graduates, and so they’ve
started calling you Marksman Mark, which I guess is your
name now, and the father said Mark isn’t my name, and
the son said Well technically your first name would be
Marksman using their system and the father said That’s
not my name either: that’s even less of what my name is,
it’s a “sman” less, and the son said I know but you really
don’t argue with the Mafia when it comes to stuff like that
gstepl 137
and the father said I actually do argue with the Mafia in
situations like that, considering I am a very firm believer in
that my name is good and I’ve used it for quite a long time,
and the son said If you try and argue with them they’ll
shoot you, and the father said But I’m Marksman Mark,
and the son said It doesn’t matter: they’ve got Davekiller
Dave on their side and he’s make mincemeat out of you,
and the father said What sort of name is Davekiller Dave,
and is Dave his real name or is that another one of those
completely made-up ones like Mark for me, and the son
said Well, there aren’t very many names in which there’s a
clever catch phrase to go along with it, and Marksman
Mark was already taken, and the father said They could
maybe do something like Billion-Dollar Bill, where Billion-
Dollar indicates them having to pay a lot of money to him
because he’s so good, and the son said They don’t use
money in the Mafia, they exchange various pieces of
material that only have value for the ones receiving them,
and the father said That’s an interesting practice, and the
son said It’s because that way they can manufacture it
much more easily, and the father said That’s a very
practical thing for them to do, and the son said They’re the
Mafia, that’s what they’re best at and the father said In
any case, are you telling me that I’m well-known in the
Mafia and the son said You’re essentially one of the most
legendary figures in the underworld since Frank-eating
Frank, who was known for accepting only hot dogs as
paym and the father interrupted and said I don’t think I
want you to tell me any more of these names, because to
be quite frank I can’t take it for much longer, and the son
138 PONG
said Was you including the word frank in that meant to be
a pun based on the name of Frank-eating Frank or was
that entirely coincidental and the father said I didn’t mean
that to happen in the least and the son said I don’t believe
you and the father said Quiet or I’ll shoot you before you
kick box me to death, and the son said Are we a
dysfunctional family, and the father said Definitely, and
the son said It’s an odd feeling, and then Am I a normal
child, and the father said Considering apparently you can
destroy walls with your kicks, no, not at all, and you in fact
scare me rather a lot, and the son said I feel like an
outsider in that case, I feel abnormal, and the father said I
hate to being this news to you but you are quite abnormal
by essentially every sense of the word, and the son said
That’s not a nice thing to say, and the father said Look, you
know I’m about to give you essentially all the pink ping
pong balls you ask me for, so give me this chance to wind
all the aggression out of my body and I’ll go on my way
happily or at least slightly more content, and the son said I
thought you were my father, and the father said
Apparently you don’t remember exactly the whole my
disowning you thing but I assure you it still stands, and the
son said Why then are you getting me all these pink ping
pong balls, and the father said It’s because I would like to
leave this monastery before the wall-fixers come and yell
at me, and because you have given me a perfectly
appropriate excuse, and the son said I don’t think that’s a
very moral reasoning for you, and the father said I’m going
to get your pink ping pong balls now, because I can’t stand
your complaining for a sentence longer, and the son said
gstepl 139
You’re going to wait for a long while, then, because I still
have quite a lot that I would like to say, and the father said
I think I’ll find Eugene – if he’s out of prison – and ask him
about the nature of all these illegitimate pink ping pong
ball manufacturing places, and the son said You’ll never be
able to find him, he’s far too hard to track, and the father
said He actually gave me his address when we were
working together in Alaska, so I have his phone number,
and the son said Oh, in that case good luck and the father
said I don’t need luck, I need a large quantity of pink ping
pong balls and then I need something capable of hurting
rebellious teenagers, and with that he left the monastery
and wandered the world for a long time until he came
across a store which he figured had a phone inside and he
went in and asked if there was a phone anywhere in the
store, and the man behind the counter said There isn’t,
unfortunately: there was one but it was destroyed in the
hurricane, and the father said Do you know where I could
find a phone, and the man behind the counter said
Actually, if you need one you can borrow my cell phone,
and the father said Are you sure, and the man behind the
counter said Of course I’m sure: if you need a cell phone,
it’s only right that I lend you one, and the father said I am
sorry if I sound suspicious, but I have not had the best of
luck with store owners, and the man behind the counter
said Well, it’s probably because you’re using old hobby
shops and other odd places: when you’re dealing with a
legitimate source of information and beef jerky like this
then you’re dealing with people who are a: paid much
more to help you, b: monitored by upper management,
140 PONG
and c: not educated well enough to be willing to cause
great deals of pain to customers, and the father said That
is a very valid set of reasoning, and the man behind the
counter said I came up with it myself, and he took out a
cell phone and gave it to the father, who called Eugene,
and Eugene answered, and the father said I don’t know if
you remember me but I helped the police arrest you a few
years ago and Eugene said You’re the person who worked
with that man with the gun, aren’t you, and the father said
Yes, and Eugene said I hope you know that you probably
basically ruined my life, and the father said That’s nice, and
Eugene said What is it you want, and the father said I
would like you to put me in contact with somebody from
the Mafia immediately, and Eugene said Why would I do
that, and the father said I’m on the lookout for some pink
ping pong balls, and Eugene said Again you and the pink
ping pong balls: can’t you be doing something normal like
killing people that doesn’t seem so damned weird, and the
father said I actually kill people in my own spare time, so I
don’t need the Mafia for that, and Eugene said What
exactly do you think you are, a hit man or something, and
the father said There are those who call me Marksman
Mark, and Eugene stayed silent for a minute, and then he
said Are you really Marksman Mark, and the father said I
am, actually, and Eugene said Forgive me, your
marksmanship, I didn’t mean to offend you with my crude
banter, and the father said It’s really okay, and Eugene
said Are you going to kill me, and the father said That
depends on where you were educated, and Eugene said I
attended county college for two years but quit after a
gstepl 141
scandal, and the father said I’m guessing your county
college was not a part of the Ivy League, and Eugene said
In all frankness I don’t know what the Ivy League is, even,
and the father said It’s a collection of colleges dedicated to
both academia and sports, considered some of the best in
the nation, and Eugene said That sounds very inspiring in a
way, and the father said It would be but it also fosters an
attitude of killing other members of related colleges and
that has gotten me into quite a bit of trouble and I’ve had
to kill probably about half of the graduating classes of the
Harvard University (in Massachusetts) by now just to get
pink ping pong balls and Eugene said Yes, I can see why
that would be a bit of a drag for you and the father said
Anyway, what I need you to do is find a member of the
Mafia who’s involved in the various operations concerning
pink ping pong balls and Eugene said Yes, I think I can do
that, can I call you back on this phone and the father said
That shouldn’t be a problem, and Eugene hung up and the
father hung up and the man behind the counter said Were
you really talking about killing men there and the father
said Yes and the man behind the counter said And were
you really talking about contacting the mafia and the
father said Yes and the man behind the counter said That
seems very frightful and illegal and the father said It’s
perfectly fine because we were joking and the man behind
the counter said Were you now and the father said Yes, it
was all very funny which is why we were laughing so much
when I was talking and the man behind the counter said
You actually weren’t laughing very much and the father
said Well it was very quiet, and there was a pause, and the
142 PONG
father said Can I borrow your cell phone and the man
behind the counter said Well for how long and the father
said Probably for a few years or at least a very long time
and the man behind the counter said No and the father
shot him and the man behind the counter said Why did
you do that and the father said I’m very sorry and the man
behind the counter said No need to apologize: here we get
paid to smile even when customers act impolite and so I
will be completely fine with you going off and I probably
won’t even call the police, and hopefully I’ll get a raise to
compensate for that, and the father said You know, that ‘s
pretty darn good service and the man behind the counter
said Yes, we like to pride ourselves on top-notch service,
and the father said I have to say: even though I shot you,
thanks a ton for what you’re letting me do, I won’t forget
that very quickly, and the man behind the counter said It is
a pleasure to serve, always, trademark 1956, and the
father said I will tell your manager you did well if I ever see
him, and the man behind the counter said Thanks, now
you have a good day, and the father said I’ll try, and he left
the store and drove for a while and eventually there was a
call on the cell phone and he picked up and Eugene said I
found a man from the Mafia for you, and the father said
Good, where, and Eugene said His name is Phil, and he’s a
very secretive person, and he will only talk to you late at
night, and the father said Where should I meet him, and
Eugene said He will meet you under the bridge to your left,
and the father looked to the left and saw a bridge and said
I can wait for him there and Eugene said Do you need
anything more, and the father said Not at all, actually, and
gstepl 143
Eugene said Good, because frankly I would not like to talk
to you ever again, and hung up and the father did nothing
for a few minutes then went underneath the bridge and
sat down, and nothing happened for a while, and then a
bird flew by, and the father sat and thought, and then sat
for a bit more, and then a bird flew by with a fish in its
mouth, and then his phone rang and he picked up and Phil
said Are you the person I’m supposed to meet here, and
the father said Yes, actually, and Phil said I would like you
to not sit under the bridge, because we’re meeting there,
and the father said What do you mean, and Phil said I need
to be sitting there in the shadows for you to approach, but
if you’re sitting there it would look ridiculous, and the
father said I understand, and Phil said Walk ten paces
away and then close your eyes and the father did so and
then after a minute Phil said Open your eyes now and the
father did and said Are you the one standing there in the
dark bits and Phil said Yes and the father said The one
talking on his cell phone and Phil said Yes and the father
said I see you and Phil said Good and hung up and the
father walked up to him and Phil said I’ve been told that
you’re after pink ping pong balls and the father said I am
and Phil said The Mafia can support your habit and the
father said Good and Phil said First, you need to
understand that if you’re getting your pink ping pong balls
through use that there will be certain types of tests we
require you to undertake for the sake of proving yourself
and that if you pass those you will be permanently tied to
the underground and the father said I understand and Phil
said Are you ever going to run for president and the father
144 PONG
said No, probably not and Phil said Good, that makes our
job much easier, and the father said How exactly does this
work now, and Phil said Follow me, and the father did, as
Phil began moving underneath the bridge, to the river
beneath, and they boarded a small rowboat and began
sailing down, following the current, and Phil said I am not
the person authorized to tell you exactly what you'll be
doing to get your payment, I am just the one authorized to
tell you that there is another authorized person waiting to
get you to exactly where you need to do whatever it is
you're doing, and the father said I understand, and Phil
said By the way, what's up with you and these pink ping
pong balls, and the father said I honestly have no clue, and
Phil said Then why and the father said Because my son
keeps asking me for them, and Phil said You go along with
him when he asks, and the father said Yes, because even
with all this it's cheaper than buying him whatever it is
young boys ask for, and Phil said You have a point, and
they sailed on in silence for a while, and then Phil said How
did you get involved in this whole business, and the father
said I got recommended to some sort of mission in Alaska
at one point, a long time ago, and I worked alongside I
guess a criminal, and I asked him to find you because I've
run out of outlets, and Phil said How did you get involved in
Alaska, and the father said A man at a hobby store told me
to go, and Phil shuddered and said I hate those hobby
stores, and the father said You too, and Phil said I actually
invented a commercial brand of chain stores to combat the
rise of those stores, and the father said I just visited one of
those, and Phil said What kind, and the father said I don't
gstepl 145
remember much but it was trademarked 1956 or
something, and Phil said That's the one I started, and the
father said I accidentally shot the man behind the
counter, and Phil said What do you mean accidental, and
the father said It wasn't accidental but I still shot him, and
Phil said What did he do, and the father said He smiled at
me a bit and said it was fine, and Phil said Good: it seems
like he's doing a splendid job, and the father said He really
was, and Phil said I'll have to make sure to give him a
raise, and the father said I think he deserved it, he was a
very good man, and Phil said I only hire good men, and
men without education at that, and the father said Where
were you educated at and Phil said That's classified, and
the boat reached the shore and a man was waiting there in
the shadows, and the father got out and Phil said I can't go
with you, and the father said Why is that, and Phil said It is
my job to sail on into the horizon, and the father said Okay,
then, and they shook hands, and Phil sailed on, and the
new man who was in the shadows raised his gun and shot
Phil and there was an explosion and the man in the
shadows said I used an explosive sort of bullet to explode
that boat because I appreciate the dramatic effect that it
has and because it let me a bit less accurate with my
shot and the father said That makes a great deal of sense
but why did you shoot Phil and the man in the shadows
said I wanted to impress upon you just how important it is
that the Mafia is a powerful organization and not
something to be trifled with, and the father said He still
had to give a raise to one of his workers, and the man in
the shadows said Who is that and the father said I don't
146 PONG
know, but I have his cell phone, and the man in the
shadows said We'll find him and give him a raise, and the
father said Actually, he's probably dead by now, and the
man in the shadows said That won't stop us: we're very
thorough, and the father said That's an admirable trait,
and the man in the shadows said I know, isn't it and the
father said What is your name and the man in the shadows
said It's Roger, but nobody calls me that, they just call me
the man in the shadows, because that way if they are
talking to somebody who isn't classified and they need to
talk about me they won't accidentally spill my name and
then there's a less chance of me making them explode, and
the father said Roger is a familiar name, and the man in
the shadows or Roger said I was once part of a secret
crime fighting team of orphans known informally as the
Gaimans, but we had to break up over an argument about
the name, and the father said I only knew about one group
of crime fighting orphans but they were called the Moores
and the man in the shadows or Roger said That's what
certain people wanted it to be called, but I believed Moore
to be too common a name – even if it is in fact a name
belonging to a great comic artist – but it was argued back
that Gaimans would be a name that attracted people poor
with pronunciation and proficient with homophobia and
the father said Are you part of that same group and the
man in the shadows or Roger said I am indeed and the
father said My son was a part of that group, and the man
in the shadows or Roger said Who was he and the father
said He told me he was the one that kick boxed things and
the man in the shadows or Roger said Yes, I knew him, but
gstepl 147
he said he was an orphan and the father said He is and the
man in the shadows or Roger said How does that work and
the father said I disowned him and the man in the shadows
or Roger said Why is that and the father said Because he
wanted pink ping pong balls and the man in the shadows
or Roger said You're still getting them for him and the
father said That's because he destroyed the monastery I
was staying at and the man in the shadows or Roger said
That means you are a monk and the father said Sort of and
the man in the shadows or Roger said What do they teach
you as a monk and the father said All sorts of mysterious
things which I can't tell you about and the man in the
shadows or Roger said Do you have any skills that would
be useful in a syndicated crime organization and the father
said I'm very good at shooting people and the man in the
shadows or Roger said There are many people good at
that, though, and the father said Apparently I'm very good
and even legendary, and the man in the shadows or Roger
said Are you sure about that, and the father said My son
said I was known as Marksman Mark, and the man in the
shadows or Roger gasped and his face turned pale and he
said Please don't look down upon me, and the father
said Why would I do that, and the man in the shadows or
Roger said You happen to be one of my role models, and
when I learned to shoot things you were one of the people
whose strategies I learned first, and the father said I don't
really have any strategies, and the man in the shadows or
Roger said What do you do then, and the father said I
shoot people until they die, and it relieves stress and the
man in the shadows or Roger said I heard that before you
148 PONG
kill somebody you recite everything they've ever said in
their life backwards as a way of erasing them from the
world entirely and the father said No, not really and the
man in the shadows or Roger said But it's true, isn't it, that
you killed a great deal of men in one day, all of whom were
from Institutes of Higher Learning and the father said Well,
that's true, and the man in the shadows or Roger said I
admire that ability of yours, and the father said They didn't
give me pink ping pong balls, and the man in the shadows
or Roger said You will come in handy for the Mafia's grand
schemes, then, and the father said Just tell me what it is I
have to do, and the man in the shadows or Roger said First
off, you will have to be trained in the art of the ninja, and
the father said What does that entail, and the man in the
shadows or Roger said You need to understand that in the
Mafia, shooting somebody is just the beginning of every
mission: you also need to evade authorities and do
something dramatic enough to make it into the
newspapers, and the father said Why do I need to do that,
and the man in the shadows or Roger said We need to
make sure the Mafia remains a force to be reckoned with,
and we can't quite do that if nobody knows that we do
dramatic things, and the father said I like working with
people who know exactly how business works, and the
man in the shadows or Roger said It's an advantage of
being a professional: perhaps you're evil and perhaps
you're killing innocent people and perhaps you're not quite
setting a good example for others, but at least you get to
work with people who make you proud to do whatever it is
you're doing, and the father said That makes a sound bit of
gstepl 149
sense, and the man in the shadows or Roger said So we'll
teach you how it is you impress people with your various
evil things, and then we'll probably give you a crash course
in investigative journalism, because that way you can write
stories about yourself, and the father said Is that standard
practice, then, and the man in the shadows or Roger said
It's what we've come to use: nearly everybody in the mafia
is an investigative journalist and the father said I did not
know that and the man in the shadows or Roger said
That's a good thing about this line of work: you learn
something new every day and the father said What exactly
do I need to do and the man in the shadows or Roger said
I'm not authorized to tell you that: I'm just the one who
banters with you while I bring you to the man entitled to
tell you that, and the father said That makes sense, and
the car they were driving in that hadn't been mentioned
because it was really a very small detail compared to the
deeply invigorating and revealing dialogue that was being
carried out, that car stopped and they got out in the
middle of some garage somewhere, and there was a
mysterious man in a top hat and a suit standing there, and
the man in the shadows or Roger said This is the Ace of
Spades, one of our top agents, but remember not to use his
name, and the father said Ace of Spades isn't exactly a
name, it's a title, and the man in the shadows or Roger
said His name is legally that, because his mother was a
Greek prophet and she was able to see his future, and this
man kills people by throwing cards at them that are coated
in cyanide, and the father said She saw that, then and the
man in the shadows or Roger said No, but she saw the part
150 PONG
where she and the Ace of Spades' father went to the
Department of Naming and called him the Ace of
Spades, and the father said Every time I learn something
new about how things work it depresses me a little and the
man in the shadows or Roger said That's an important
thing to learn about life, along with how interconnected
everything is, and the father said No, it's not, it's just what
it seemed to be when you said that and the man in the
shadows or Roger said We could debate this for years but
then you would never get any pink ping pong balls for
yourself which would really be quite a pity and the father
said I agree, it would be, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said We can not talk
for long, time is running short, and they got into a school
bus, and the father said Where should I sit, and the
mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades
– said It doesn't really matter, all that matters is that you
put your seat belt on and can talk to me while I drive, and
the father said On the one hand, I would love to take the
back seat, because I never ever got to sit in the back when I
was a schoolchild, but on the other hand I would like to
take the front seat, because that makes a lot more sense in
terms of my being able to communicate with you and the
– said I would take the front seat if I were you, for the sake
of making my job easier, and the father said Would that
make your job easier, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Theoretically, no,
because my job entitles me debriefing you and sending you
to your first target, and also driving a school bus because
gstepl 151
we need cover, but in practice my having to yell at you if
you're in the back of the bus means that my voice will get
hoarse and that's never any fun, and also I read in a study
somewhere that it you yell it releases adrenaline or one of
those fluids and then it will make me angry and then I
would accidentally kill you with a cyanide-coated playing
card, and that would probably get me in trouble with my
superiors, and the father said I actually meant to ask you a
question about that, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Ask away, and the
father said How exactly do you kill somebody with a
playing card, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said it needs to be coated in
cyanide for it to work at all, and the father said But are
playing cards really thin enough to slice through the skin
enough to deliver any sort of a poisonous discharge, and
the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of
Spades – said Not normally, but my playing card deck
contains cards that were specially-made so they can slice
through, and the father said But cards are too light to
travel any distance without wind resistance knocking the
cards off-course, I thought, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said That might be
true normally, but in this case my cards all have a set
amount of metal foddered on the edges, and that makes
them both sharp and weighted, for a considerably deadly
effect, and the father said Isn't that not cost-efficient,
though, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – sighed and said It's not, and the father
said Then why do you do it, and the mysterious man in a
152 PONG
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Because I was
named the Ace of Spades as a child: tell me, what was it I
was supposed to do, and the father said You could have
legally changed your name to William Jenkins or
something simple like that, and therefore avoided your
fate entirely, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said That's not how destiny
works: it cannot be escaped that easily, and the father
said In that case, you could fight using a garden spade and
stab people with it or something and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said That
would be completely violent and quite disgusting and I
can't stand the sight of blood, and the father said In that
case why not become a professional cards player or
something simple like that, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I wanted to
live my life with pizzazz: professional cards players can't
wear top hats and suits in day-to-day life, and the father
said Why not, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said Because then they'd be
mistaken for Mafia members, and they wouldn't have any
means of defending themselves, and the father said That's
a legitimate point, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said It's interesting, or
perhaps ironic, that in fact the deadliest cards are the
sevens of diamonds, because of the way the ink is
weighted, and the father said It's technically not irony, and
Spades – said I understand that, hence my hesitation, and
the father said I didn't mean to chastise you, and the
gstepl 153
– said It's perfectly okay, but I'll tell you also while we're on
the subject that designing an appropriate suit for me was
difficult: I considered a black cape with inner purple lining,
so it would appear dark and mysterious but at the same
time I could flare up and turn into something mysterious,
but it turned out a cape was not economic and completely
interfered with my ability to move quickly, and then for a
while I didn't wear a suit but instead wore some sort of
spandex thing with a big spade on it, but that made me
look unprofessional, and now I just have a white spade on
my lapel, and the father looked and said I can see you do in
fact, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said I told you I did, didn't I, and the father
said I didn't know you were being honest, and the
– said Just because I kill people with a deadly poison by
means of throwing cards at them doesn't mean that I'm
being dishonest all the time, and the father said I'm sorry,
and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of
Spades – said It's okay, you didn't know, and then there
was a long silence, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – stopped the bus on
occasion and children got on, and then he stopped it near
a school and they all got off, and then the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Now we
need to talk about your mission, and the father said Who
exactly am I going to have to kill, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said What
made you think we would have you kill somebody, and the
154 PONG
father said I thought that's why you hired somebody like
Marksman Mark, and the mysterious man in a top hat and
a suit – the Ace of Spades – said We're not savages, you
know, and the father said In that case what am I doing,
Spades – said I think I'm going to have you shop a bit, and
the father said Shop, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Yes, shop, I can't
exactly shop myself when I'm carrying a deck of cards
capable of killing innocent people, now, can I, especially
when I'm carrying them without any sort of license, and
the father said What sorts of things do you need me to
shop for, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said I need some toilet paper and
paper towels, because my wife informed me recently that
we're finally running out and she would rather not have to
wipe things with rags because that would smell, and the
father said It must be nice, being married properly and
whatnot, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said Don't worry, she's not really my
wife, she's an undercover operative, and the father
said That doesn't make proper sense, and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said
Don't worry about it too much – but yes, I am also married
in the normal way, to a wonderful foreshadowing
woman, and the father said What else do you need, and
Spades – said Get a few boxes of macaroni and cheese, the
store brand, and see if you can get a week's worth for five
dollars, because we're going through some money
gstepl 155
problems, and the father said Wouldn't it make sense
instead for you to ease up on your purchase of cards
coated in cyanide and foddered, which must bear with it
considerable economic strain, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Don't
question me, and the father said Sorry, and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I
can't exactly stop spending on those because that's the
only reason I'm actually in the Mafia, because it looks very
intimidating, and the father agreed that it did, and the
– said After that get two gallons of skim milk, and possibly
also a box of some sort of cereal without too much sugar,
and he paused, and the father said Is that it and the
– nodded, and the father said Then I give them back to
you, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – nodded, and the father said And then I get
my pink ping pong balls, am I correct and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said No,
that is just the first part of the test, and the father
said What's the second part, and how many parts are
there, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said Not too very many, and the father
said That's a relief, and he went into the store, and he
found some toilet paper that was two-ply, for extra
absorbency and because it was much more comfortable,
and then he found two gallons of skim milk, and then he
got a good deal of macaroni and cheese, and then on
impulse he bought half a gallon of apple cider, and he paid
156 PONG
for them all at the ten items or less counter which took a
moment – it turned out he had twenty-three separate
items if the toilet paper rolls were counted separately
which they were – and left the store, and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said This
is all very good, but why the cider, and the father
said Cider is good for you, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said You were not
authorized for this, and the father said I don't give a damn
about what I was authorized for, it's for the good of the
team, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said This is not something that can easily
be excused, and we will need to talk about this during a
council meeting, and the father said Well, in the mean time
what is it I must do next, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said You don't
understand what I'm saying: until the council meeting you
may not proceed in your mission, and the father said But
how am I supposed to get those pink ping pong balls now,
Spades – said Those will have to wait, and the father
stated weeping, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said What's wrong, and the
father said My son will be very upset because he never gets
those pink ping pong balls late, and because I might not be
able to give him them on time for once, and the mysterious
That's not worth worrying too much about, and the father
said And also because he's a kick boxer, and he's capable
of making me explode into tiny pieces with a single kick,
gstepl 157
Spades – said I understand why you would be upset:
perhaps I could convince the council to give you an
advance, and the father said If you did something like that
I would be forever in your debt, and the mysterious man in
a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Yes,
probably, but think nothing of it: how many do you
need, and the father said I need enough to fill a room, and
Spades – said How large is the room, and the father said I
was planning on filling up his room, which is back at my old
home, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said We'll send some men to go fill it, and
the father said Could you also have them tell my son
they're there, because I really would rather not talk to him
ever again, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit
– the Ace of Spades – said That's not too unreasonable, I
suppose, and the father thanked him, and the mysterious
You'll have to sleep on this bus until the council meets, and
the father said I've had to put up with worse in my life,
believe me, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit
– the Ace of Spades – said That's a good thing, I suppose:
well, not a good thing, but it's a good thing now in
comparison, and the father said I suppose, and they spent
a month sitting in the bus and sleeping, and the
– told the father about that one time he was working for
the mafia and there was a client called the Queen of
Hearts talking about killing young girls in Operation Alice
158 PONG
(there was an old mission called Operation Alice that
involved killing young girls, that was basically about
intimidating people that the Mafia didn't like who
happened to like young girls, and it was all a big shame as
far as morality went but on the other hand there weren't
very many people in the Mafia who cared much for
morality) and the Ace of Spades figured that with her title
she might also be a card-related killer, but it turned out
she was a cultist fetishist whose main method of practice
involved ripping out hearts while chanting, and also she
played chess, and the Ace of Spades had been quite
sickened by it all but carried out his tasks and never asked
her out to dinner like he had originally planned, and the
father told the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – about that one time where he had
been told to buy a special book on making white ping pong
balls pink, and how it had taken him forever to make the
pink ping pong balls, and how upset he was, and then he
saw that the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – looked fairly bored, and he skipped ahead
to And then I shot him repeatedly and he died a horrible,
bloody death and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – looked at him and said That was
a very engaging story in a tone that suggested he did not
really believe what he was saying, and the father said It
was much more interesting the year afterwards, because
then was when I went on a killing spree throughout stores
filled with annoying workers, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I've heard
that story before, it's an old myth and the father said It's
gstepl 159
no myth – I lived it and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said But that would make
you Marksman Mark and the father said My friends don't
call me that and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit
– the Ace of Spades – said What do they call you, then, and
the father said I'm not sure, I haven't seen them for a long
time, and eventually as time went on the council finally
called its meeting, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – drove the father to it,
probably in some restaurant somewhere but a very
foreboding, secretive restaurant, and there were nine
people sitting in a semicircle in a bright chamber facing the
father, and to be polite he asked them for their names,
and they all gave names the father figured weren't actually
real, like one person called himself A, and another person
B, and another C, and another the Don, and another E, and
another F, and another Davekiller Dave, and another H,
and another J, and they all looked anonymous for the most
part and wore good suits and had little stickers
announcing their names, and all of them went around in
the circle talking about just what sorts of evil and
villainous crimes they had committed, which weren't
many, except for Davekiller Dave, who was apparently
obsessed with killing people named Dave that weren't
him, and then the father told his story, but he kept out the
parts that didn't involve people dying, and then the circle
began judging him, talking about his relative worth as a
member compared to his purchasing of cider, and C (who
looked like an elderly gentleman but without the nose)
asked him why he had bought the cider, and the father
160 PONG
said he thought it gave everything a nice sort of touch, and
B (who looked a little bit like an alien) and F (who had a
hook for a hand and a diamond for an eye) agreed but A
(who was actually a woman, possibly the Don’s daughter
but that’s still a mystery for you) and the Don (whose
appearance shall be kept a secret) didn't agree, and the
Don asked the father why he felt privileged enough to buy
that without using his own money, and the father pointed
out that it was a fruit-based drink and that it would add
something important onto the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades's – nutritional intake every
day, and the Don nodded and said This answer pleases me,
and they all talked for quite a long time, and eventually
they signaled that it was all right for the father to have
done so, so long as he promised that he was really, really,
really, really, really, really, sorry, and the father said that
he was more than just that, he was really, really, really,
really, really, really, really, sorry, probably even sorrier
than that, and so everything was okay and they told the
father that he was to meet up again to complete his work
the following Tuesday, and for the next week the father
stayed mostly indoors reading philosophical books
because it had been a long time since, well, you know, and
then the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace
of Spades – showed up the next Tuesday in his school bus
and said Get in, and the father got in, and all the kids
protested loudly why they had to get in a bus with an old
person who still read books and who needed a shave until
Spades – said that if they didn't get quiet right away, he
gstepl 161
would kill one of them with his cards, and when that did
not stop them from protesting, that he would drive them
to a museum or something and leave them there, and
then it was mostly quiet and they parked outside the
shopping mall again, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said It is finally time for
you to finish what you started so long ago and the father
said It wasn't that long ago, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said It was five
weeks ago, I think, and the father said Time really flies
quickly, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said It does indeed, and the father
said So few people really spend time nowadays staring out
over a lake, looking at the sun go down, reflecting on life
and its fragility, wondering what morality lies behind a
forest or what ultimate truth is held within those youthful
blades of grass, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – sighed and said I had a son once
myself, but we never spent any time with each other: we
just went about our separate lives and wondered what
exactly the other was thinking – and then one day he was
gone, and I regretted for every day left in my life that I had
not taken the time once to ask him, you know, all the
things I had never asked him before, and the father sighed
and looked out into the road, and for a long while nobody
said anything, and then the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I should probably tell
you what I'm going to have you do, and the father
said Can't we think about the blades of grass for a bit, and
162 PONG
Spades – said No, and the father said I expected as much,
Spades – said Now, did I tell you what we were going to
have you do, and the father said No, and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Why
not, and the father said We were talking about the blades
of grass, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said You shouldn't have changed the
subject like that, and the father said it will never happen
again, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said I should hope not, and the father
said So what am I doing, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said We're going to
finish what you started, and the father said How exactly is
that supposed to work, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Well, before you
bought things from a supermarket, but you didn't actually
disrupt things, and the father agreed, and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Now
you're going to have to go back and cause a disruption for
the sake of making the Mafia more prominent and
feared, and the father said Do I really have to, and the
– said Yes, and the father said Am I allowed to shoot them,
Spades – said No, that's a horrifying thing to say and you
ought to be ashamed of yourself, and the father said I'm
sorry, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said It's okay, you're forgiven, and the
father said Thank you, and the mysterious man in a top hat
gstepl 163
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Just do something like
destroying an aisle of food, and the father said Can I shoot
the food, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said No, now quiet, you, and the father
said Then what am I supposed to do, and the mysterious
Actually, now that I think of it you'd better not even
damage food, because that sort of thing is pretty wasteful
and you might give us a bad name, and the father said I
don't care what you want me to do, just tell me what you
want, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said Let me think, and they paused for a
while, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said I've got it, and the father said What,
Spades – said I know what I want you to do, and the father
said Sorry, I was thinking about the blades of and the
– interrupted him and said You shouldn't think about
things like that when we're preparing you for something
drastic like a supermarket raid, and the father said I didn't
know that, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit
– the Ace of Spades – said It's very impolite of you, and the
father said In that case I'm sorry, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said You
shouldn't worry about it too much, and the father
said Okay, I won't, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – frowned and said I think
you're going to have to harass the people working at the
supermarket, and the father said How am I supposed to so
164 PONG
that, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said Why don't you do some surveillance
work and find out how you could harass them best, and
the father agreed and left the bus and went into the
supermarket and asked the teenaged boy behind the
counter What do you think would be very irritating to you
in this job, asking as a general sort of thing, and the
teenaged boy behind the counter said I'm not quite sure, I
haven't thought much about it, and the father said Think
about it, will you and teenaged boy behind the counter
thought about it, and said Probably not getting my
paycheck, and the father said That would be downright
inhumane, and the teenaged boy behind the counter
agreed and said That's what would annoy me, though, and
the father said What about something slightly more
general that could be quickly enacted, and the teenaged
boy behind the counter thought and said What about
those joy buzzers, the kind where it looks like they're going
to shake your hand but as it turns out it's something that
shocks you a little bit, and the father said Would that
irritate you, and the teenaged boy behind the counter
said Certainly, and the father said Thank you very much
and left the building and went back out to the school bus,
only the school bus was not there, and so he waited for a
while and finally the school bus arrived and the father got
in and said Where were you and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I was out
doing things, and the father said What sort of things, and
Spades – said Mysterious things, and the father said That
gstepl 165
doesn't help me at all, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said If it did help you then
it would sort of be a waste, and the father said You have a
sound point there, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I was out doing secret
Mafia things, if that helps, and the father said You know it
doesn't, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said I'm sorry, and the father said You
know I can't hold a grudge against you for very long, and
Spades – said Were you able to finish your scouting
work, and the father said I was, and the mysterious man in
a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said What did
you learn, and the father said The teenaged boy behind the
counter is not a fan of joy buzzers, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Is he not,
now, and the father said He indeed is not, now, and he told
me himself, in a moment of weakness, and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said This
could help our cause greatly, and the father said That is
why I thought it was such good news, and together they
chortled for a bit, and then the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Do you own a joy
buzzer, and the father said Nope, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Then why
does that help us, and the father said We could go out and
get one, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said We don't have funding for work
like that, and the father said It doesn't matter, it doesn't
cost much, I can foot the bill, and the mysterious man in a
166 PONG
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said We might not
have time, and the father said It will only take fifteen
minutes or so, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said What if he leaves work, and
the father said It's eleven in the morning, so he probably
just started working, and he probably won't leave at the
very least for another three hours, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I don't like
it, we're placing too much trust in the general working
schedules of the supermarket, and the father said I bet we
can get back here within ten minutes if we run and the
– said In that case, let's roll, and he jammed his foot on the
pedal but the bus was off, and so he turned the ignition
key, and jammed his foot on the petal, and the bus
squealed off and made its way toward a hobby store, and
the father said You'd better go in, I don't have much luck
with placed like this, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Fine and went inside,
and it was quiet on the bus, and then there was a gunshot
and more silence, and then three more gunshots, and
more quiet, then a gunshot followed by a gunshot after a
very short pause, and then a bunch of gunshots all at once,
and then a sound like a man dying from cyanide overdose,
and then another sound like it, and then there was
another gunshot, and then the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – walked out of the
store, a joy buzzer in one hand, a gun in the other, and a
great deal of blood trailing behind his shoes, and he said
We had better get ourselves out of here pretty quickly,
gstepl 167
move move move, and the father said I don't know how to
drive these things, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I'll drive, and he
turned the ignition and put his foot to the petal and they
squealed away, and loud music started playing, and a kid
in seat 5b who had been playing in the aisle fell back and
out the back door, and the father said You forgot to close
the back door, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said It's too late now, and the
father said I think I can close it, and the mysterious man in
a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said You can't
close it, it's too late, and the father said Trust me, and he
unbuckled himself and ran to the back, but he paused
partway through when a quick turn almost threw him into
11c, and he brought himself up to the back door, and he
had almost reached it when the bus stopped and he
staggered but pulled onto a seatbelt and dragged himself
along the floor and slammed the door shut, and the
– said I stopped the bus because we're here, and the father
said That work I did back there was the work of a trained
professional, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said It was pretty neat, and the
father said Hand me the joy buzzer and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – fell silent,
and there was a pause, and then the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – handed over the
joy buzzer and said, in a quiet voice, Best of luck, and the
father said I don't need luck, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I'll never
168 PONG
forget you, and the father said Nobody does, and he pulled
himself off the bus before remembering it was already
stopped and he walked then, and entered the store, and
the teenaged boy behind the counter was nowhere to be
found, and he asked the teenaged girl behind the counter
Where did the teenaged boy behind the counter go, and
the teenaged girl behind the counter said He left, and the
father said Where did he leave, and the teenaged girl
behind the counter said His shift ended at 11:11, and the
father said That's one of the stupidest time policies I've
ever heard, and the teenaged girl behind the counter said
Look, you don't need to insult me like that, and the father
said I'm sorry for impoliteness but you need to understand
that I am very upset right now, and the teenaged girl
behind the counter said Look, don't take it out on me, and
the father left and went back to the bus, which was still
there this time, and said We have a situation and the
– said What, and the father said The teenaged boy behind
the counter has flown the nest, and the mysterious man in
a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said What's that
mean, and the father said Basically I mean that he's not
working there right now, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Oh, and then I
thought you said that he would still be there, and the
father said I made a mistake, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Mistake
indeed, you might have ruined all our plans, and the father
said Look, don't panic, this can all still be saved, and the
gstepl 169
– said How, and the father said I'll find out what his
schedule is and then I'll set a trap for him, and the
– said You're a clever man, and the father said Don't flatter
me, and he left the bus once more and asked the teenaged
girl behind the counter When is the next time the teenaged
boy behind the counter going to work here, and the
teenaged girl behind the counter said Why do you want to
know, and the father said Because he's my son, and
because I want to leave him a secret birthday present, and
the teenaged girl behind the counter said Ooh, what is
it, and the father said I can't tell you, because it's a big
secret, and the teenaged girl behind the counter said I
understand, and the father said But I'll give you a hint,
because you look nice, and my secret is that it is pink and
round-shaped and the teenaged girl behind the counter
said Chewing gum is a good present to give him, I
agree, and the father said I would agree, too, but it's not
chewing gum, it's actually pink ping pong balls, and the
teenaged girl behind the counter said That's an odd thing
to give a kid who works at supermarkets, and the father
said He loves them, and the teenaged girl behind the
counter said Can I remember that, because I need to buy
him something too, because I love him, and the father
said Actually if you do you can just give them to me as long
as it's something like a roomful or more and I can just pass
it on to him, and the teenaged girl behind the counter said
No, I'll give it to him myself, and the father said Anyway,
when does he work next, and the teenaged girl behind the
counter said Why can't you just ask him, and the father
170 PONG
said Because I disowned him and he's an orphan now, and
the teenaged girl behind the counter said In that case, I
can let you know that he works again one week from now
at eleven to 11:11 and the father said Your cooperation is
duly noted, and the teenaged girl behind the counter said
Thanks, I guess, and the father went out of the building
again and into the bus and said He works again a week
from now, same time, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said This will help a
lot, and the father said Obviously, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said So what's
your plan, Marksman Mark, and the father said We will
show up six days from now and lay in wait, after the store
closes, and then I will surprise buzz him as he walks in
through the door, and the mysterious man in a top hat and
a suit – the Ace of Spades – said You're a far subtler man
than you let on, my friend, and the father said That's sort
of the point, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said That's a very subtle thing to
say, and the father said I like you Mafia people, you all
acknowledge my superiority unlike the various owners and
workers of old odd hobby shops, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Yes, they
do happen to be rather irritating, and the father
said Perhaps the Mafia could enact some sort of anti
hobby store worker plan next, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said That's
forward thinking for you, and they said various
congratulatory things to each other for a little while, like
six days, and then the father walked into the store at 4:59
gstepl 171
because 5 was the closing time, and he hid behind an aisle,
and when they went to clean up he knocked down a large
display of lettuce to make a hiding spot for himself, and
nobody noticed, and he stayed hidden for another hour
then picked up all the lettuce, dusted it, and put it back,
and went to sleep right behind the front doors, and in the
morning he hid behind the counter and the teenaged boy
behind the counter walked in and the father jumped out
and the teenaged boy behind the counter let out a cry and
said Who are you and what are you doing in this store, and
the father said Remember me, and the teenaged boy
behind the counter said No, and the father said I'm the one
that you talked to before about things that irritated you,
and the teenaged boy behind the counter said Now I
remember, and the father said Good, and then asked Did I
remember to shake your hand after I talked to you, and the
teenaged boy behind the counter said No, I don't think
so, and the father said Can I shake it now, and the
teenaged boy behind the counter said Why would you
want to do that, and the father said Because I've come to
take a liking to you, and because I would utterly love to
shake your hand, and I think you're the greatest man I've
ever had the honor of meeting, and the teenaged boy
behind the counter said That's sort of exaggerating
things, and the father said No, not at all, perhaps you don't
understand that you are truly my role model, and the
teenaged boy behind the counter said That's quite an
honor, and the father said No, the honor is mine, and the
teenaged boy behind the counter extended his hand and
they shook, and then the father remembered he had
172 PONG
forgotten to put on the joy buzzer, and he said Do you
have a bathroom, and the teenaged boy behind the
counter said Yes, but it's closed, and the father said Do you
have some place where I could get changed in private, and
the teenaged boy behind the counter said Why, are you a
superhero, and the father said No but my son is, basically,
and the teenaged boy behind the counter said Cool, and
then You could change behind the counter if you really
want to and the father went behind a different counter
and ducked down and put the joy buzzer on his hand, then
walked out again and said I'm ready to shake your hand
again and the teenaged boy behind the counter
said Again and the father said That's right, and the
teenaged boy behind the counter said But you've already
shaken my hand, and the father said I want to shake it
again because you're my hero that much, and the
teenaged boy behind the counter said That's quite an
honor again, and the father said Quit saying that, now I
think you're begging for a compliment, and the teenaged
boy behind the counter said You didn't get changed, and
the father said Change must come from within, and the
teenaged boy behind the counter said That sounds very
Zen, and the father said I used to be a monk, and the
teenaged boy behind the counter said Why aren't you
now, and the father said My son destroyed the monastery
and asked me for a birthday present, and the teenaged
boy behind the counter said That sounds like a real
drag, and the father said I endure it because I love him,
and the teenaged boy behind the counter said That's such
a nice thing for you to say, and the father said I agree but
gstepl 173
it wasn't true, I really hate him to death, and the teenaged
boy behind the counter said That's not such a nice thing
for you to say and the father said Can I shake your hand
already, and the teenaged boy behind the counter
said Sure thing, and they shook and there was a buzzing
sound and the teenaged boy behind the counter said Why
would you do that for and the father revealed his joy
buzzer and said As you can see it was a trap from the start,
and the teenaged boy behind the counter said Why would
you do something so heartless, and the father said It's
because the Mafia hates you and we've got you in our
sights, and the teenaged boy behind the counter said That
doesn't make any sense, and the father said What doesn't
make sense, out of curiosity, and the teenaged boy behind
the counter said The Mafia is renowned for being a fearful
organization that does much worse than joy buzzers and
the father said You don't understand, nobody understands,
and the teenaged boy behind the counter said Couldn't
you do something like shoot me maybe and the father
said Don't you give me any ideas and the teenaged boy
behind the counter shut up and the father yelled MAFIA at
the top of his lungs and ran out of the store gleefully, and
got back in the school bus which had been lying there the
whole time, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit
– the Ace of Spades – said Were you able to buzz him and
the father said Yes and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – let out a slow, evil chuckle
and said Our work is finally falling in place, and the father
tried to let out a slow, evil chuckle but failed, and the
174 PONG
– said I think some of the children are starving and the
father said Yes, they look rather hungry and the mysterious
Could you possibly go back and get them some bread and
fruit or something and the father said I don't know if that's
a good idea and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit
– the Ace of Spades – said Why not and the father
said Because there's still our enemy in there and his hand
aches like that of the recently buzzed and because he's out
to get us and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said What do we do and the father
said Wait until 11:11 and he'll leave and then I'll be free to
get some whatever it was you said and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said That
is a sound plan and so they waited for a while, and the
– let out a slow, evil chuckle, and the father did too, and
of Spades – chuckled again, and then so did the father, and
of Spades – chuckled a lot and the father chuckled a lot
and then the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – and the father began chuckling together
Ace of Spades – said Perhaps we should stop now that he's
gone and the father said Is he gone and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Yes: I
saw him leave the building and the father said In that case
our path is cleared and they both chuckled a lot more and
then the father entered the building and got himself a loaf
gstepl 175
of bread and some apple cider and the little old lady
behind the counter said Is that it and the father said Yes, it
is, and then he heard a loud voice call Stay away from that
man, and he turned to see the teenaged boy behind the
counter standing there with a hint of bravura in his stance,
and the little old lady behind the counter looked
confused, and the father said Stay where you are or I'll
buzz your hand, and the teenaged boy behind the counter
paid no notice, and called out, He will shake your hand and
buzz you and it will irritate you, and the little old lady
behind the counter said That does not sound like a kind
thing to do, and the father said He's lying, and the
teenaged boy behind the counter said No I'm not, and the
father said Yes you are, and the teenaged boy behind the
counter said No I'm not and the father said Yes you are and
the teenaged boy behind the counter said Yes I am and the
father said No you're not and then the father realized what
he had done and a look of great anger crossed his face,
and the little old lady behind the counter said I don't think
you should buy things from me any more, and the father
said You can't deny me service, and the little old lady
behind the counter said Yes I can, and the father said No
you can't, and the little old lady behind the counter
said No I can't and the father said No you can't and the
little old lady behind the counter said You've learned and
the father said Now you are trapped, and the teenaged
boy behind the counter said No, she isn't, because this
supermarket is a part of the private sector, and as such it is
the right of the manager to withhold service to anybody he
or she pleases, and the father said Who's the manager,
176 PONG
and then a deep, resounding voice said I am, and then
Eugene swung down from the produce section, and the
father said I thought you were dead, and Eugene said Why
would you think that, and the father said I don't know but
so many other people are turning up dead, it leads one to
think that life is fragile and perhaps will never return to us
all again, and Eugene said Perhaps you have a point, and
they sighed, first Eugene then the father, and then the
teenaged boy behind the counter sighed, and then the
little old lady behind the counter sighed, and the father
said Have you ever thought about those youthful blades of
grass, and Eugene said You’re not going to pull one over
my eyes that quickly, and the father said How did you get
here, and Eugene said It's a long story, and the father said I
can wait, and Eugene said It all began when you and your
Brother Jeffrey helped a police sting find me and send me
back to secret government prison in Alaska: then I realized
two things, the first being that you were an evil man who
must be stopped and the second being that your Brother
Jeffrey had a special addiction to Special K and the father
said No, he didn't, and Eugene said Anyway, I quickly
realized that if you continued your spree of terror and
whatnot, eventually you would need more Special K, even
though I realize now that you didn't really, considering
there was no addiction to begin with, and the father
said That's all right, please continue, and Eugene said So I
realized that at the rate with which you were moving
around the country eventually you would happen to find
some arbitrary supermarket and purchase Special K, and
then I would have the advantage, because you would lack
gstepl 177
the strength provided to you by Special K and then I would
bring in my secret army and destroy you, and so I found an
arbitrary supermarket and became manager through a
series of corrupt and desperate maneuvers, and the father
said What were those maneuvers, and Eugene said I can't
tell you, because they were corrupt and desperate, and
besides my point is that I then began these corrupt and
desperate moves and brought in my secret army, secret
army aforementioned comprising of one teenaged boy
behind the counter and one little old lady behind the
counter, and then I brought all of my forces to work upon
learning of your entrance and so now you're trapped, and
the father said Curse you, Eugene, and the teenaged boy
behind the counter said That isn't true, actually, and the
father said Really and the teenaged boy behind the
counter said I don't actually know that man, and I suspect
him of lying to the both of us, and the father said Should I
buzz him to death, and the teenaged boy behind the
counter said No, that's childish, and Eugene said Join me,
secret soldier, and together we shall vanquish this foe from
the Earth, and the teenaged boy behind the counter
said I'm not actually your secret soldier, and Eugene said
That's because I haven't said the secret command word
yet, and then he said Bananajuice, and then he said That's
the secret command word, because I figured nobody would
ever say Bananajuice because it's not really a word and
because the only other word nobody ever really says is
really long and I don't know what it is, and now you're my
secret soldier again, and the teenaged boy behind the
counter said I'm not actually and Eugene said a bad word
178 PONG
and then the little old lady behind the counter said Leave
or I'll call the cops and Eugene shot her and the father shot
Eugene and the father shot Eugene and the father shot
Eugene and by then Eugene was let's face it basically dead
and then the little old lady behind the counter said I'm not
actually dead, seeing as he missed me, and the father
said That's good, and the teenaged boy behind the
counter said If we pretend we didn't see him, then you can
get away with not cleaning up his body, and then you can
just wait for the afternoon shift to clean everything up, and
the little old lady behind the counter said That's a sound
idea, and the father said Can I buy my groceries now, and
the teenaged boy behind the counter said No, he'll just zap
you, and the little old lady behind the counter said He
saved our lives and the teenaged boy behind the counter
said I don't trust him and the little old lady behind the
counter said We must set aside our differences and let this
man buy groceries now, and the teenaged boy behind the
counter said Why should I and the little old lady behind the
counter said It's only fair and the teenaged boy behind the
counter said You haven't won this yet, man-with-joy-
buzzer, and the father said Let's face it, I basically have,
and the teenaged boy behind the counter said In that case,
I guess I'll leave, since I'm off shift, and he left, and the
father bought his groceries and went back to the school
bus and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said Do you have the supplies, and the
father said I do, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said Is it enough, and the father
said Let's face it, they're kids, and kids don't die easily,
gstepl 179
unlike old people, and that was foreshadowing, and the
– said You make a good point, and why the apple
cider, and the father said You said to get apple cider, and
Spades – said No I didn't, and the father said Yes, but you
did ask for something like fruit along with the bread, and
Spades – said You've got me there, and the father said It
looks like I have regained my superiority, and the
– said I said I admit defeat, didn't I, and the father
said Now you need to bow before me, and the mysterious
No, and the father said Yes, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said This is still
your initiation, I'll remind you, and the father said Oh,
that's right, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit
– the Ace of Spades – said So if it's all right with you, I'm
going to actually not do whatever it was you said, and the
father sighed and said Fine, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Now we must
move on to phase two again, since you went shopping, and
the father said What do I have to do, and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Just
joy buzz him again, and the father said He just left, and the
– said Then joy buzz somebody or something, and the
father said I'll do that, and he left the school bus and
entered the supermarket and the little old lady behind the
180 PONG
counter said What do you want and the father said Could I
shake your hand because I admire your resilience or
something and the little old lady behind the counter
said Do you think I'm an idiot and the father said What and
the little old lady behind the counter said You're going to
buzz me again, aren't you and the father said I would never
buzz an little old lady and the little old lady behind the
counter said You still have it on your hand and the father
said No I don't and the little old lady behind the counter
said Prove it and the father said Are your bathrooms open
and the little old lady behind the counter said Yes and the
father said Can I quickly use your bathrooms and the little
old lady behind the counter said Sure, why not and the
father went in and took off the joy buzzer and came out
and showed her his hand and said Look, there's no joy
buzzer and the little old lady behind the counter said I'm
sorry I didn't believe you, and the father said Yes, and then
the little old lady shook his hand, and the father
said Actually, can I use your bathrooms again and the little
old lady behind the counter said Sure, I wouldn't stop you,
and the father went back in and came out and he said Now
can I shake your hand again, because I shook the teenaged
boy behind the counter's hand twice and I want to be
perfectly fair to you and the little old lady behind the
counter said Sure thing and the father shook her hand and
there was a buzzing sound and the little old lady behind
the counter let out a strangled cry and collapsed and the
father said See, I was putting it on and talking it off when I
went to the bathroom and the little old lady behind the
counter started twitching and the father said This is the
gstepl 181
power of the Mafia at work and the little old lady behind
the counter stopped twitching and the father said By the
way, do you suffer from any heart conditions and the little
old lady behind the counter said nothing and the father
said I'm very sorry about this, if that makes it better, and
the little old lady behind the counter said nothing and the
father went back onto the bus and the mysterious man in
a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Were you
successful and the father said Partly and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Did
you say partly and the father said I said partly and the
– said What did you mean by partly and the father said By
partly I meant that I was partly successful and partly not so
successful and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said That doesn't make any sense and
the father said Why not and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said If you zap
somebody you're either successful or you failed, and you
can't really have it both ways and the father said That
makes sense, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said It makes a lot of sense, now
tell me about just what you meant when you said that
thing that you said and the father said You must
understand first off that I did exactly what you told me to
and I shocked somebody in the store, and so technically I
did exactly what you told me to and the mysterious man in
a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said What's the
problem then and the father said The problem is I killed her
when I zapped her and the mysterious man in a top hat
182 PONG
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said That's not exactly a
good thing and the father said I shot Eugene too and the
– said Who is Eugene and the father said He is an evil man
who lives in Alaska and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I see and the father
said Overall it was a mixed bag, because I shot Eugene and
zapped the little old lady behind the counter but she does
happen to be dead and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Yeah, that generally
isn't seen as the best resolution and the father said Won't
news of the Mafia spread further because of me, though,
Spades – said Yes, but then again so will all sorts of
lawsuits, and the father said Can the Mafia be sued, and
Spades – said This is America, you know, and in America
anybody can sue anybody if they feel like it, and the father
said What an odd system, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said That's how some
people characterize it, and the father said In that case
perhaps I could go in and say something like This was Al
Capone's gang and throw everybody off the scent and the
– said Al Capone's dead, and the father said In that case
perhaps I could go in and say something like This was
Frank Capone's gang, the sons of Al Capone's gang and
occasionally grandsons, but that's technically more Gerald
Capone's gang, and throw everybody off scent and the
gstepl 183
– said Sometimes I forget I'm working with a legitimate
criminal mastermind and the father said Could you go in
and do it and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said Why can't you just do it and get it
over with and the father said I'd like to stay in the school
bus for once and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said But I'm the leader and the
father said But I'm the legitimate criminal mastermind and
Spades – said Fine and entered the store and there was a
silence for a while except for the kids and then the
– went back onto the bus and the father said Were you
successful and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said Partly and the father said Did you
say partly and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said I said partly and the father
said What did you mean by partly and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said By partly I
meant that I was partly successful and partly not so
successful and the father said That doesn't make any sense
Spades – said Why not and the father said If you blame
Frank Capone's gang for our crimes you're either successful
or you failed, and you can't really have it both ways and
Spades – said That makes sense, and the father said It
makes a lot of sense, now tell me about just what you
meant when you said that thing that you said and the
184 PONG
– said Well, partly as in I was able to yell something about
Frank Capone's gang, and I even mentioned Gerald
Capone's gang, and the father said That means you
succeeded completely, doesn't it, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Well, I did
that, but I also killed two shoppers with cards that were
coated in cyanide, and the father said Oh, and thought for
a while, then said Yes, that doesn't quite seem like the best
result, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
Ace of Spades – said Yes, but on the other hand I did blame
Frank Capone for it all so we hopefully won't get in much
trouble, and the father said You have a point, and said
What happens now, and the father said We have a new
objective for you, and the mysterious man in a top hat and
a suit – the Ace of Spades – said What would that be, and
the father said Let me contact my superiors, and the
– said Hey, that's my job, and the father said I know, I was
playing a sort of joke on you, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said That's not
very polite of you, and the father said No, but it was rather
funny, in my opinion, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said You have a point
there, and the father said Can we stop saying that, and the
– said What, and the father said Every time somebody says
something somebody else says You have a point there or
You may have a point or I see, and it's really something
that bugs me, because obviously the person talking has a
point, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit – the
gstepl 185
Ace of Spades – said You have a point there, and the father
said I hope you didn't do that deliberately, and the
– said No, I was joking, and the father said Good, and the
– said What should we do about that, and the father
said How about for our next mission we go to Congress and
petition them to not let people say things like I see or You
have a point there, and it will be a grand elaborate quest
and we can get into all sorts of shenanigans, and the
– said No, and the father said Why not, and the mysterious
Because we're in the Mafia, not some lowbrow crime
organization, and because we're very opposed to
shenanigans of any sort, and besides, your next mission is
ready, and the father said What is it, and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said You
are going to buy lots and lots of stockings and make the
world's largest ball of stockings, and the father said That's
what I would call shenanigans, and the mysterious man in
a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Trust me on
this one: there is a very sound reasoning behind our
wanting you to do this, and the father said What exactly is
that reasoning, then, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Well, we think it
would be nice to put the Mafia in the Guinness Book of
World Records, under something like perhaps world's
largest ball of stockings, and the father said That's
shenanigans, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
186 PONG
suit – the Ace of Spades – said In that case, what's your big
plan, and the father said Perhaps we could set a world
record for most pink ping pong balls ever hoarded by a
single organization, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said That doesn't make
any sense whatsoever, and the father said You obviously
don't understand how important ping ping pong balls are,
Spades – said No, apparently I don't, and the father said In
that case you're not in a position to argue with me, and the
– said No, I'm not, but why don't you explain this whole
pink ping pong balls thing, and the father said You don't
have clearance, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said That makes no sense, and
the father said Tough, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said In that case we're
going to be getting stockings next, and the father said
Can’t I have a break or some time off or something, and
Spades – said No, and the father said Why not, and the
– said The Mafia doesn't believe in giving its members time
off for things, and the father said That's not very
brotherhoodlike, and the mysterious man in a top hat and
a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Brotherhoodlike isn't a
word, and we aren't a brotherhood anyway, we're a
syndicated group of international criminals with fancy
names, and the father said But what about those people
whose names were basically just letters, and the
gstepl 187
– said They have cooler names but we don't use them, and
the father said I don't believe you, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said The one
that you called A was actually Frank-eating Frank, who
was known for and the father said Please don't talk to me
about him, since I think the whole idea of eating hot dogs
declaring a name is pretty stupid, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said No, that's
the other Frank-eating Frank, and the father said Then
who's this one, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said He's known for
cannibalizing people named Fred, and the father
said That's disgusting, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said That's what Frank-
eating Frank the First thought, too, and the father
said What happened to him, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Frank-eating
Frank the second got to him, and the father said I'm having
second thoughts about this whole Mafia thing now, and
Spades – said It's a bit too late for you to complain, and the
father said Why's that, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Because Frank-
eating Frank saw you, and because now that that's
happened he'll be able to find you and eat you from
basically everywhere, and the father said Being devoured
isn't quite on my list of things to do before I die, and the
– said Needless to say, you're stuck with us now, and the
188 PONG
father said Why is that allowed, though, and the
– said Because we're international criminals and all, and
the father said No, I mean if I'm Marksman Mark, why is
he allowed to eat me, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said We would have a
lawyer legally change your name for you to Marksman
Frank instead so it would be okay, and the father said But
that would violate the code of Mafia naming, and the
– said Then we would make it Franksman Frank, and the
father said This is the stupidest organization I've ever
heard of, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said You know that isn't a polite thing
to say, and the father said Look, I want to go solo, and the
– said You can't do that, and the father said All I'm here for
is pink ping pong balls, and you aren't giving any of them
to me, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said What's up with the pink ping pong
balls, and the father said I can put somebody on the phone
who can explain all that, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – gave the father his cell
phone, and the father placed a call on it, and after several
rings his son picked up and said Hello, and the father
said You're on speakerphone, and the son said Why, and
the father said I have a colleague here who would like to
talk to you about the pink ping pong balls, and the son
said I can't say it out loud, and the father said If you don't
say it out loud then I can't get you any more pink ping
gstepl 189
pong balls for your birthday, and by the way you need to
tell me how many you're going to need, and the son said I
need a good two roomfuls, and the father said Why do you
need that many, and the son said Puberty, and the father
said I can't get you any of those unless my colleague knows
exactly what you're using them for, and the son said Who
is the colleague, and the father said I call him the
mysterious man in a top hat and a suit, or the Ace of
Spades for short, and the son said I know him, and the
father said Really, and the son said Or I've heard of him
before, and the father said What does that mean, and the
son said Put him on, and I'll tell him what he wants to
know, and the father put down the phone and said My son
wants to talk to you, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I can talk to him from
here and the son said I can't talk and let my father hear,
for personal reasons, and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Ah, and the father
said There you go with your space-wasting phrases again,
Spades – said Sorry, and the father said Here's the phone,
Spades – took the phone and began talking, and then the
– said Hello, there, and then the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Ah, yes, I've heard
of you, and then the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said The Moores does sound like
a good name, and it is a fitting homage, but I would think
that people would mistake it for The Moors, which sounds
190 PONG
vaguely racist, and besides there are far too many Moores
for the name to be specific to Al, and then the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said No, I
understand the homophobic commentary that might
follow The Gaimans, and then the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said I think that
something like the Lees would be more venerable and
more respected, and then the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said We'll try and come up
with a suitable marketing campaign, but I'm really
supposed to talk to you about pink ping pong balls right
now, and then the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said Mmhmm, and then the
– said Okay, and then the mysterious man in a top hat and
a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Right, and the father
said You're using quite a few space-filling words right now,
Ace of Spades – said Your son wants you to shut up, and
of Spades – said What was that last bit, I didn't hear you,
Ace of Spades – said Okay, and then the mysterious man in
a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Well, thanks
for taking the time to talk to me, take care, and then the
– said I will, and then the mysterious man in a top hat and
a suit – the Ace of Spades – said You too, and then the
– hung up and said Well, I think your request makes a lot of
gstepl 191
sense, now, and the father said What did my son say, and
Spades – said He said that I couldn't tell you anything, and
the father said Look, who do you respect more, me or him,
Spades – said Well, I'm pretty sure he never killed anybody
by accident with a joy buzzer, and the father said That was
a mistake anybody could have made, and the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Plus,
he logically explained his need for them, and part of that
logic is he can't tell you a thing until he comes of age, and
the father said How old is my son now, and the mysterious
something like thirteen or fourteen, and the father
said That means I'm going to have to wait another four or
five years, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said Absolutely, and the father
said That's unacceptable, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said You're going to
have to accept it, and the father said I won't, and the
– said You have no choice, and the father said There are
always choices, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a
suit – the Ace of Spades – said That's what you think, and
the father said I need this, and the mysterious man in a top
hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said You need that,
and the Don needs his large ball of stockings, and the
father said Let me talk to the Don and I'll change his mind,
Spades – Do you mean by shooting him and the father
192 PONG
said No, I mean by actually speaking with him persuasively,
Spades – said That's a turn for you, and the father said I'm
not a violent person by nature, and the mysterious man in
a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said That's
always good to hear, and he took out a phone and dialed
presumably the Don's number and said I want to speak
with the Don, and then the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Hey, there, Don, and
of Spades – said I need to ask you a favor, and then the
– said Can we change our mission, and then the
– said It's not exactly on a whim, and then the mysterious
man in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said It
was my protégé's idea, and then the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Could we
meet with you, and then the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Really, when works
best for you, and then the Don said Right now, and the
– jumped a little, and the Don said I've been stowing away
on this bus ever since our original meeting, to keep an eye
on you two, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit
– the Ace of Spades – said I'm surprised Marksman Mark
didn't spot you while I was talking with you on the phone,
and the father said That's because he had me bound and
gagged, and the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit –
the Ace of Spades – said That's very impressive, Don, and
gstepl 193
the Don said I'm possibly the deadliest man alive, because
I'm the leader of the Mafia, and the mysterious man in a
top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – applauded a little
bit and the father joined in and the Don said What's this
about your mission and the mysterious man in a top hat
and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Marky here wants to
change the mission to something that isn't getting
stockings and the Don said Did you explain the world
records bit to him and the mysterious man in a top hat and
a suit – the Ace of Spades – said Yes, but he called
shenanigans and the Don said That's absurd, world records
are not shenanigans at all, people take them very
seriously, and the father said Not really, and the Don
said Really, and the father said Not really, it just takes a
good deal of time on somebody's part and tends to be a
complete waste of a job, since it doesn't require any
particular talent, and the Don said But the Mafia's out of
ideas, and the father said That's why I suggested
stockpiling pink ping pong balls, and the Don said That's
absurd, and the father said At least it's not
shenanigans, and the Don said It has been a long time
since I've heard pink ping pong balls mentioned, not since
way back when I was living on the street selling illicit
drugs, and the father said I didn't know you lived on the
street, and the Don said Technically, it was an
orphanage, and the father said My son lived in an
orphanage, and the Don said So did I, and the father
said You said that already, and the Don said But what I
didn't tell you was that my real name is Jack, and the
father said Okay, and then Jack the Don said Doesn't that
194 PONG
seem to be a stunning revelation, and the father
said Should it be, and Jack the Don said Your son
mentioned me in his story of the orphanage a while
back, and the father said Oh, right, and Jack the Don
said Isn't it interesting how things come together like
that, and the father said Not really, and Jack the Don
said And also, the little old lady behind the counter was Ms
Samuelson, who had been the caretaker of the
orphanage, and the father said I didn't recognize her, and
Jack the Don said You never met her, but that's yet another
jigsaw piece that fits into place, and the father said I don't
care about jigsaws, I just want to know what the pink ping
pong balls are for, and Jack the Don said But it's an
intricate balance of characters which all come together for
some stunning revelations, and the father said Look, I work
for pink ping pong balls, and that's the end of it, and Jack
the Don said Do you remember Phil, and the father
said No, and Jack the Don said He was shot by Roger when
you went to see the mysterious man in a top hat and a suit
– the Ace of Spades – and the father said Okay, yeah, he
was the one that exploded, and Jack the Don said He was
really the mysterious orphan who originally gave
everybody super powers, and the father said Okay, and
Jack the Don said Roger wasn't actually ordered to kill
him, and the father said Oh, and Jack the Don said He shot
Phil (which wasn't his real name, by the way) because Phil
wanted the team to be called the Morrisons and Roger
thought the Gaimans would be a cleverer name, and Roger
believes in revenge, but Phil the Mysterious Orphan
probably didn't die, because he has powers that none of us
gstepl 195
can comprehend, and the father said Look, I know this is
fascinating but could we talk about the pink ping pong
balls, and Jack the Don said Do you want to know who the
teenaged boy behind the counter was, and the father
said Not really, and Jack the Don said I think you do want
to know, and the father said I really don't, and Jack the
Don said You don't think you do but really you do, and the
father said Fine, who is he, and Jack the Don said He's your
son's twin brother, and the father said My son doesn't
have a twin brother, and Jack the Don said He does, you
just didn't know it, and the father said I don't believe you,
and Jack the Don said It is completely true, and the father
said Prove it, and Jack the Don said It all started when a
government ordered an edict to preserve genetic material
from and the father said Actually, I just really don't believe
you, and Jack the Don said That makes it especially ironic
that you told the teenaged girl behind the counter that he
was your son, because he was, and the father said I still
don’t believe you, and Jack the son said Also, we're
brothers, and the father said No we're not, and the
– It's true, actually, and I'm both of your brothers, and the
father said That's absurd, and Jack the Don said You can't
hide from reality, and the father said This is not reality, this
is a sham, and I'm not a part of triplets, and the mysterious
Actually, it's quadruplets, the man behind the counter at
the old old odd hobby shop was also our relative, and the
father said My point is I don't care about all of this, I just
want pink ping pong balls, and Jack the Don said Anything
196 PONG
for family, and the father said I'm not a part of your family,
okay, and Jack the Don said I have a request to make of
you, and the father said What, and Jack the Don said I'm
getting older, and I want to make sure my empire has a
good man running it when I'm gone, so I want you to
marry my daughter, and the father said I didn't know you
had a daughter, and Jack the Don said I had one with
Jill, and the father said Who's Jill, and the mysterious man
in a top hat and a suit – the Ace of Spades – said She's Jack
the Don's wife, but she pretends to be my wife so that she's
less of a target, and the father said, and Jack the Don
said Will you marry her, and the father said You mean your
daughter, right, not Jill, and Jack said Yeah, obviously, and
the father said I'm not sure I'm ready for marriage, and
Jack the Don said Don’t worry, you don't have to see her
very much, and the father said Could we arrange it so that
I never see her at all, and Jack the Don said You met her
once at the Mafia council meeting, only we were calling
her A back then, and the father said In that case I agree,
and there was much rejoicing, and they had a wedding a
while later, and at it the father's son got quite a few pink
ping pong balls, but really there were fewer shenanigans
relating to all that after the wedding, especially
considering Eugene was dead and the league of men
behind the counter was mostly incapacitated and the new
generation was far less capably educated, and Jack the
Don died of old age or something and the father took
charge, and he lived in a lead home to avoid his son's
kickboxing abilities, and everything was fine for maybe
even a year or two until one day he came home from work
gstepl 197
to find that his house had been blown up by a man who
was waiting there for him, a man who looked vaguely
familiar, and the father said Look, what are you doing
outside my house, and the man who looked vaguely
familiar said I blew it up, and the father said Why and the
man who looked vaguely familiar said I want to talk to
you and the father said Who are you and the man who
looked vaguely familiar said I am the President Of The
United States, and the father said Ah, and the POTUS said
You can call me Rick, though, and the father
said Okay, and Rick the POTUS said See, I attended the
orphanage that your son attended, only I left early when I
won the lottery, and I used all of the prize winnings to
become president, and the father said That makes sense,
and Rick the POTUS said You need to come with me, and
the father said Why, and Rick the POTUS said Because
right now your son is the only person who stands between
us and world destruction, and the father said Fine, and he
went with Rick the POTUS in his limo to Washington DC
and they went into a secret tunnel or something, I don't
know, but really what matters is they ended up in a
conference room with the man behind the counter who
had attended Yale and Phil, and Rick the POTUS said It's
like a reunion, and the father said Not really, I barely know
these people, and Rick the POTUS said But all of us
attended Yale, and Phil said Remember when I told you
that the place of my education was classified, and the
father said Not at all, and Phil said Well, I told you that a
while back, and the father said Okay, and Phil said As it
turns out, I attended Yale, but it was a secret, and Rick the
198 PONG
POTUS said I was trying to get insider information on Jack
the Don, because he stole the only woman I ever loved
away from me, so I sent Phil in secretly behind the
scenes, and Phil said I kept in contact with Rick and Ralph
while I was working for the Mafia, and I fed them
information and they kept me updated on general goings-
on, so I was ready to accept you when you finally showed
up to the Mafia's doorstep looking for pink ping pong
balls, and the father said I don't know who Ralph is, and
the man behind the counter who had attended Yale said
I'm Ralph, and the father said I'm going to assume that you
were one of those people from that place my son was at,
and Ralph, the man behind the counter who had gone to
Yale, said I was part of Phil's team along with him, because
we both thought that the Morrisons was a good name for
a team, and in return I can shape my voice into destructive
vibrations, plus I also went to Yale, and Rick the POTUS
said There's a certain quality about Yale men that makes
them particularly useful for presidential operations,
namely that I don't feel a murderous desire for their
deaths, and Phil said Did you know that I was also the
mysterious orphan that trained your son in the art of
kickboxing, and the father said Jack the Don told me that
before he died, and Phil the mysterious orphan said I feel
sorry for Jack, because he had to deal with Roger's secret
machinations, and since Roger was part of our original
group that made him better than Jack, so he was able to
get away with a lot, and the father said That reminds me:
how did you manage to survive his shooting you, and Phil
the mysterious orphan said It was entirely a matter of my
gstepl 199
having mysterious powers, and Ralph, the man behind the
counter who had gone to Yale, said Perhaps we ought to
be discussing why we've been called here today, and Rick
the POTUS said Indeed, and there was a bit of a pause, and
then the father said So, Rick, why did you call us here
today, and Rick the POTUS said Do you want the long story
or the short story, and the father said The short story, and
Rick the POTUS said You might miss out on some of the
details, and the father said Fine, then, tell us the long
story, and Rick the POTUS said It all started thirty years
ago, when one of our brighter generals, Frank Shepherd,
made a startling discovery in the ruins of an old city in
Spain known as and the father said Actually, tell us the
short story, and Rick the POTUS said Aliens are invading
the Earth, and the father said What kind of aliens, and Rick
the POTUS said I'm not sure, and the father said What is
your plan to stop them, and Rick said Right now, I think
only one person in this room can possibly stop them from
their bloody mission, and the father said Is it Phil the
mysterious orphan, and Rick the POTUS said No, and the
father said Is it Ralph, the man behind the counter who
had gone to Yale, and Rick the POTUS said No, and the
father said Is it me, and Rick the POTUS said Don’t be
ridiculous, and the father said Then why are we here, and
Rick the POTUS said Ralph and Phil are here because they
remind me of the old days, and you're here because the
person we think can stop everything is your son, and there
was a long pause, and the father said No, I really don't
think that makes sense, and Rick the POTUS said Hear me
out, and the father said He's only fifteen, and Rick the
200 PONG
POTUS said Actually, he's seventeen, and the father
said Why do you need him, and Rick the POTUS said Did
you know that your son had a twin brother, and the father
said I've heard that said, but I don't believe it myself, and
Rick the POTUS said It's true, and the father said I don't
believe that, and Rick the POTUS said I'm the President Of
The United States, and the father said Okay, fine, and Rick
the POTUS said I knew your son's twin very well, and I sent
him on various missions for the United States of
America, and the father said I didn't know that my son had
a twin, and Rick the POTUS said You didn't know that your
son's Uncle Jeffrey was actually his uncle, either, so to be
fair that's not much of a surprise, and the father said Can I
meet him, and Rick the POTUS said No, and the father
said Why not, and Rick the POTUS said Your son's twin
brother was General Frank Shepherd, and the father
said Okay, and Rick the POTUS said I sent him to spy on
you once Phil had been disabled, and so he disguised
himself as a teenaged boy behind the counter at some
store, and there he managed to fight off one of our
greatest opponents, Eugene, and the father said Actually, I
shot Eugene to death, and Rick the POTUS said Well,
anyway, he was stationed there, along with my old mentor
Ms Samuelson, when the Ace of Spades entered and killed
Ms Samuelson with a cyanide-coated playing card, and he
was yelling something and Frank and Gerald Capone, and
so Frank Shepherd turned on him and killed him with his
own cyanide-coated playing card, then impersonated him
and went back to you in disguise, and the father said He
said he killed two shoppers, not Ms Samuelson and
gstepl 201
himself, and Rick the POTUS said He was trained from an
early age to be a compulsive liar, and the father said So
Frank Shepherd, who is my son, disguised himself as the
Ace of Spades, who is my brother, and managed to avoid
detection, and Rick the POTUS said He was trained very
well, and the father said Well, why can't I talk to him, and
Rick the POTUS said Because he's dead, and the father
said What happened, and Rick the POTUS said Jack the
Don figured out what had happened while he was holding
you hostage and talking on the phone, and so after he
made you the Don and faked his own death, he unleashed
Frank-Eating Frank the Second on him, and he was
cannibalized to death, and the father said I never met
Frank-Eating Frank the Second, but by all means he sounds
like a disgusting person, and Rick the POTUS said He also
killed Frank Capone a long time ago, and Frank had been
one of our operatives, and the father said Huh, and then,
What do you mean, Jack the Don faked his death, and Rick
the POTUS said He's not really dead, and the father
said How do you know that, and Rick the POTUS said I
called up his wife, Jill, and even though her real husband
was apparently dead and her fake husband was actually
dead, she refused to let me take her out for dinner, so I
think Jack is working with the aliens, and the father
said That's an absurd theory, and Rick the POTUS said In
my experience, the most absurd theories are usually the
most accurate, and the father said So why do you need my
son, and Rick the POTUS said Because they're twins, they
share all thoughts, and so your son still knows more about
the aliens than anybody, and the father said That's not
202 PONG
how twins work, and Rick the POTUS said Not exactly, no,
but the overall effect is the same, and the father said No,
it's not, and Rick the POTUS said Trust me, I'm the
president and I won the lottery, and the father said You're
just being absurd, and Rick the POTUS said What about my
theory, and the father said That's absurd, too, and Rick the
POTUS said Call up your son, and ask him, and the father
said I don't have his number, and Rick the POTUS said I do,
and he pulled out a piece of paper with a phone number
on it, and the father looked at Rick the POTUS and said
This is the last time I ever talk to my son, I swear, and Rick
the POTUS said You're going to regret saying that, and the
father said I doubt that, and he called, and his son picked
up and said Hello, and the father said I need a favor from
you, and the son said Who is this, and the father said Your
father, and the son said Oh, and the father said I've been
talking with your friend Rick, and he apparently thinks that
you have the power to save the world from aliens, and the
son said Probably, and the father said Good, and Rick the
POTUS said What did he say, and the father said He can do
it, and the son said Well, I'm not quite certain what I have
to do, and Rick the POTUS said Put it on speakerphone so I
can hear him, and the father did so, and the son said It's
been a long time, Rick, and Rick the POTUS said Look, we
need your help, and the son said What for, and Rick the
POTUS said You and Roger were good friends, right, and
the son said Actually, I stole his only love from him, and
Rick the POTUS said Well, we need to find him, and only
you know where he might be, and the son said You know
where he is, too, and Rick the POTUS said He's in hiding
gstepl 203
ever since he tried to kill Phil, and the son said Who is
Phil, and Rick the POTUS said He's the mysterious orphan
who trained you and Ralph, and the son said Was Phil his
real name, and Rick the POTUS said No, and the son
said We ought to reminisce about the old times some
day, and Rick the POTUS said Sure thing, and the son
said Look, I'll take you to Roger, but I need something
first, and the father said Please, let's not start this
again, and Rick the POTUS said What, and the son
said Only one, this time, and Rick the POTUS
said What, and the father said He wants another damn
pink ping pong ball, and Rick the POTUS said Are you still
into that sort of thing, and the son said More than you can
ever imagine, and the father said Look, I need to know
what these are for, and the son said I understand, Father,
and I will tell you, but not yet, and the father said When,
then, and the son said I swear that I will tell you when I
turn eighteen next month, by the name of my long-dead
brother, but I only need one, and the father said You know
as well as I do that just that one is going to be had enough
to find, and the son said I do, and Rick the POTUS
said What are you talking about, you have mines devoted
to harvesting pink ping pong balls, and the father said Not
anymore, and Rick the POTUS said Why not, and the father
said One month ago, every pink ping pong ball mine on the
planet was destroyed, completely melted through with
thermite, and Rick the POTUS said What about your
various clients, and the father said They've all been shot,
and their pink ping pong balls were melted in similar
ways, and Rick the POTUS said Why wasn't I aware of
204 PONG
this, and the father said We tried to hush things up, and
Rick the POTUS said Why did this happen, and the father
said I'm not sure, but the people responsible wrote me a
note, telling me that they would bring the Mafia to ruin if
we attempted to continue manufacturing pink ping pong
balls, and they signed it "The Danconians," and Rick the
POTUS said We can't let that stop you, and the father said I
don't know where I can find a pink ping pong ball left on
the planet, and Ralph, the man behind the counter who
had gone to Yale, said I think I know where we could find
one, and the father said You can't possibly know that, and
Ralph, the man behind the counter who had gone to Yale,
said You forget who I am, and the father said What exactly
does that mean, and Ralph, the man behind the counter
who had gone to Yale, said First of all, it means that I'm a
super-powerful orphan who happens to be able to shape
his voice into destructive harmonies, and the father
said That's very impressive, but it has nothing to do with
pink ping pong balls, and Ralph, the man behind the
counter who had gone to Yale, said But second, I'm a part
of an institute of people who long ago dedicated their lives
to the noble task of selling old, odd possessions to those
who found themselves in need, and the father said It has
been a long time since I've found myself nearby those men,
and Ralph, the man behind the counter who had gone to
Yale, said One thing that not many people know is that
while hobby stores are each independently own and run,
there is a collective storage space that stores copies of
nearly every item in the known universe, and that it is
where we all draw our items from, and the father said That
gstepl 205
sounds like it is far too much effort to go through to hold
pink ping pong balls, and Ralph, the man behind the
counter who had gone to Yale, said It's not just for pink
ping pong balls, there are also quite a few types of
narcotics there, and quite a good deal of chewing
gum, and the father said How exactly would we get to this
storage space, and Ralph, the man behind the counter
who had gone to Yale, said In order to get there, you only
need to believe, and the father said I don't believe you, is
the problem, and Ralph, the man behind the counter who
had gone to Yale, said I'm aware of the problem, which is
why we're going to have to take precautionary
measures, and the father said What exactly are those
precautionary measures, and Ralph took out a needle and
stabbed the father with it, and the father said What are
you doing, and Ralph said I'm injecting you with a powerful
mind-affecting substance, and the father said How exactly
is this going to affect my mind, and Ralph said It's only
temporary, and the father said What exactly is this going
to do to me, and Phil the mysterious orphan said Isn't that
stuff illegal, and Ralph said Yeah, most likely, and Rick the
POTUS said It's fine, I'll pardon you, being that I'm the
President Of The United States, and the father said What
exactly will this stuff but then he passed out, and found
himself in the middle of a Technicolor cave with Ralph, and
Ralph said This is the beginning of our world, and the
father said What is this place, and Ralph said We call it the
Storage but it is most likely some sort of alternative
dimension, and the father said I see, and they walked past
a group of people who were sailing down along some
206 PONG
murky river, and they walked past another group of people
who were staring at shadows on the wall, and they found
their way to the man behind the counter, and the father
said I remember you, you're my Brother Jeffrey, and the
man behind the counter said It's been a long time, and the
father said I suppose you know why I'm here, and the man
behind the counter said Could we talk, and the father
said I'd rather not, and the man behind the counter said
My name isn't Jeffrey, and the father said I'm sorry, and
the man behind the counter said Don't sweat it, and the
father said How is it that you're still alive, and the man
behind the counter said Here, all things lie in Storage, and
the father said Is that a sort of philosophy, and the man
behind the counter said No, it's more of a customer service
guideline if anything, and Ralph said We need to keep
moving, and the man behind the counter said He cannot
move forward, and the father said Why not, and the man
behind the counter said First, you must undergo our tests
of initiation and become a man behind the counter in your
own right, and the father said How exactly do I go about
that, and the man behind the counter said You must
undergo a day's vigil in this cave without talking, that's the
first part, and the father said Fine and a day later said
What else to I need to do, and the man behind the counter
said Next, you must undertake the Trials by Fire, and Ralph
said We don't have that long, there's a possible alien
invasion happening above the surface, and the man behind
the counter said In that case, you must identify your place
in the universe, and the father said I don't even know
where to begin with that, and Ralph said It helps if you
gstepl 207
organize your mind in some way, and the father said When
do I start, and the man behind the counter said Now, and
the father said I have a son (who is part of a group of
orphans (who learned how to fight crime (taught by the
mysterious orphan (known as Phil (alias, given by Rick
(president and rival of Jack (Don of the Mafia
(manufactures mostly pink ping pong balls (desired by my
son (reasons unknown (told only to Ace of Spaces
(deceased, also my brother (along with Jack and the man
behind the counter (Jeffrey (alias (given during the trial of
my son's eighth birthday (also involved Eugene (owner of
the original pink ping pong ball in Alaska (subsequently
destroyed (Eugene was shot in an unrelated incident
(involving an attempt to purchase cider at a store (other
victims included Ms Samuelson (owner of an orphanage
(housing my son, Ralph, Phil, Rick, Roger, etc (Rick left
before Phil showed up (this led to a series of fighting
amongst the orphans over the name of the crime-fighting
group (as well as the destruction of a monastery (one I had
attended while avoiding my son (after the pink ping pong
ball murders became too much (see incidents involving the
deaths of countermen across the country (most featuring
fights between Harvard, Princeton, and Yale (home to
myself, Philip, Ralph, and Rick (who brought us together in
the face of an alien threat (which is why I am here
today)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) and the man behind the
counter said Is that it, and the father said Mostly, and the
man behind the counter said Go ahead, and Ralph said We
need to hurry, and the father and Ralph went ahead
through the cavern until they came across a huge
208 PONG
ledge, and the father said Now what, and Ralph said
Watch this, and he emitted a strange noise, and the cavern
exploded, and the father found himself on the top of a pile
of rubble that led directly out of the cavern, and Ralph said
For some reason orphans are attracted to various methods
of exploding things, and the father said I see, and they
walked out into a psychedelic world, and Ralph said Look
for something that's pink, and the father said Pretty much
everything, and Ralph said It has to be something ball-
shaped, and the father said That thing, over there, and
they moved past a yellow house that was flying in the air
and an elephant that was colored several variants of green
and a cloud of flying rainbow birds, and they came across a
pink ball, and Ralph said Is this it, and the father looked at
it, and he said I think we've found one, and a voice behind
them said Hold it right there, and the man with the gun
stepped out from behind a shade of the color blue, and
the father said You're that officer who found Eugene, and
the man with the gun said I am, and the father said What
are you doing here, and the man with the gun said I've
been following you for a long time, and the father
said Why, and the man with the gun said You killed that
man behind the counter, didn't you, and the father said Of
course, and the man with the gun said You're under
arrest, and the father said You can't arrest me, and the
man with the gun said I have a warrant, and the father
said I have a presidential pardon, and the man with the
gun said I don't care anymore, and the father said How did
you get here, and the man with the gun said Once upon a
time I loved a girl, and the father said Is this relevant, and
gstepl 209
the man with the gun said Shut up, and the father shut up,
and the man with the gun said I don't know if I can explain
just what she meant to me, but she was beautiful,
beautiful, beautiful, and I was in love, but she fell in love
with your Brother Jeffrey, and they were planning to get
married, and then you killed him, and for a moment I
thought that it meant I would have a chance, but it turned
out that his death turned her cold, and tragic, and she
went into mourning and would not speak to me, and so I
swore to go out into the world and find Jeffrey's murderer,
and so decided to lie in wait for you here, at the scene of
the last pink ping pong ball in the world, and the father
said You did all this so she would love you, didn't you, and
the man with the gun said No, and the father said Then
why, and the man with the gun said I just want her to be
happy, and the father felt a lump in his throat and said
nothing, and the man with the gun said I just would like
her to be able to be the girl that she once was, and the
father said I know how you feel, and the man with the gun
said How can you possibly, and the father said was in love,
once upon a time, and the man with the gun said What
happened, and the father said She died in childbirth, and
the man with the gun said What did you do, and the father
said What do you mean, and the man with the gun said
How did you go on, and the father said I did the only thing I
could do, and the man with the gun said What was
that, and the father said I went on raising my child, and the
man with the gun said Look, I need to do this, and the
father said If I don't give my son this pink ping pong ball,
then aliens will descend upon the world and kill every man,
210 PONG
woman, and child on it, and the man with the gun said I
don't care, and the father said You really care for her that
much, and the man with the gun said I do, and the father
said It's really love, isn't it, and the man with the gun said
It is, and he smiled a bitter, strained smile, and the father
smiled back, and there was a moment where they just
smiled at each other, and then the father said I'm sorry,
and he shot the man with the gun straight through the
heart, and the man with the gun fell to the ground without
a sound, and the father said I didn't enjoy that at all,
Ralph, and Ralph said I know, and the father said Dammit,
I'm getting too old for this, and Ralph said That was the
last time, and the father said What about the aliens, and
Ralph said Aliens don't count, and the father said I
suppose, and they took the pink ping pong ball and left the
place, leaving the man with the gun on the ground,
bleeding in varieties of orange, and Rick the POTUS
said What took you so long, and the father said We have
it, and Rick the POTUS said Take it to your son, and the
father said No, call him in here, and Rick the POTUS
said Why, and the father said I don't trust this pink ping
pong ball's leaving this room without things going horribly
wrong, and Phil the mysterious orphan said If you'd like, I
can bring him in for you, and Rick the POTUS said No, I can
have my secretary do it, and he paged his secretary and
said Bring in this man's son, and thirty minutes later, the
father found himself looking at his son for the first time in
a long time, and the son said Do you have it, and the father
handed it over to him without a word, and the son
pocketed it and said I think I'm done with pink ping pong
gstepl 211
balls for a little while, and then without warning he kicked
the floor and it exploded, and the father said What are you
doing, and the son said You told me you needed Roger, and
the father said What does exploding the floor have to do
with that, and the son said Roger built a hideout in the
core of the planet, a long time ago, and the best way of
reaching the core is by kicking the ground really, really
hard, and the father said I see, and the son said I don't
believe in mindless destruction, despite what you always
believed, and the father said I don't exactly believe
that, and the son said That's okay, I understand, and Rick
the POTUS said Phil and I will come with you, and the son
said No, and Phil the mysterious orphan said Why not, and
the son said I have reasons to believe that the Danconians
are planning an assault on this building, and if they do, the
aliens will almost certainly follow, and Rick the POTUS
said Then put Ralph and Phil on guard, not me, because
they have orphan training and all I have is money, and
because it's my lifelong ambition to travel to the center of
the Earth, and the father said That was my lifelong
ambition too, and Rick the POTUS said Today is both of our
lucky days, and Phil the mysterious orphan said We'll
guard this building with our lives, and the father said I
hope that isn't necessary, and together he, his son, and
Rick the POTUS entered the hole to the center of the
Earth, and they slowly hiked towards the center, and
somewhere along the way they stopped for lunch, and
Rick the POTUS provided them all with sandwiches, but
none of them finished the sandwiches, partly because they
were all a bit nervous and partly because the pathway into
212 PONG
the earth was extremely hot and they felt slightly
disoriented and partly because Rick the POTUS had made
them all enormous sandwiches, and finally they reached
the core of the earth, which turned out to have been made
hollow, and there was a very small sphere lying in the
center, and they jumped down to it and knocked on the
sphere's door, which was a feat a lot more impressive than
it sounds considering how the entire place was white-hot
and the sphere nearly burned their flesh off, but it all
turned out okay because Roger opened the door, and the
first thing he said was I told you we would meet again, and
the father, son, and Rick the POTUS simultaneously said
No, you never said that, and Roger said Fine, and he
ushered them in, and the sphere inside was considerably
well-decorated, and Roger said I was either going to do
this or I was going to create a huge fortress, and as it turns
out making huge fortresses costs more than I'm willing to
spend on a home, and the son said We need you, Roger,
and Roger said You don't need me, be honest, and the son
said Well, it would be nice to have your explosive bullets,
and Roger said I'm through with shooting things for a
living, it never turns out well, and Rick the POTUS
said Roger, aliens are attacking, and Roger said I
know, and the son said Also, a gang called the Danconians
is destroying every last pink ping pong ball mine on the
planet, and Roger said Don't you get it, and the son
said What, and Roger said The Danconians is the name of
the alien race, and the father said Why are the aliens
trying to destroy the pink ping pong ball mines, and Roger
said I am not certain, and the son said I think I know
gstepl 213
why, and the father said Why, and Rick the POTUS
said That doesn't matter, what matters is that we need you
to forgive Phil the mysterious orphan and join forces with
us, and Roger said First of all, I will never befriend Phil the
mysterious orphan, because he has poor taste in naming
organizations, and the son said Yes, but so do you, and
Roger said I'll shoot you too, and the father said I'll shoot
you first, and Roger said Anyway, the second reason that I
have is that Phil the mysterious orphan is actually a
Danconian, and Rick the POTUS said What do you mean,
and Roger said Phil the mysterious orphan is actually part
of an alien collective that is bent on destroying us and
everything we cherish, and Rick the POTUS said Then why
would he have trained you all, and Roger said He did it
basically to incite chaos on the Earth, and Rick the POTUS
said But he failed, and Roger said Yeah, I really am not too
worried about the Danconian threat, and the son said Then
why are you living here, and Roger said I am in
mourning, and the father said Why, and Roger said My
brother was shot just a little while ago, and the father
said That's a shame, and Roger said He was a policeman
on the force, and he was most notorious for always having
a gun on him, and the father said I think I killed him, and
Roger said I figured, and the father said I'm truly sorry, and
Roger said I'm just worried that my father will be
irritated, and the father said Who's your father, and Roger
said He went by the name of Guntoting Greg, and he's in
the mob, and the father said I happen to be in the Mafia
myself, and Roger said Guntoting Greg will try to make you
pay, and the father said I'll be on the lookout, then, and
214 PONG
the son said It's fascinating, isn't it, how everything seems
to tie together, and the father said Not really, and the son
said Think about how complex life is, and think about how
multifaceted everything in the world seems to be, and how
it's been years since you first heard the name of Guntoting
Greg and that was in a minor anecdote and made a
completely surprising comeback at this point years later,
and the father said I really only care about one thing, and
that's these pink ping pong balls are for, and the son
said But there are so many other things to think about in
the world, and the father said Yeah, but a lot of that is
either predictable or just stupid, considering I didn't even
remember the name Guntoting Greg from back before, and
the son said I hope I never get to be as jaded as you are,
and Roger said I can't leave this place, I am doomed to die
here, but you must go on without me, and the son said You
can still leave, and Roger said Yeah, but I don't feel like it,
and the son started to speak but Rick the POTUS said We
don't have time for all that now, we need to stop Phil, and
they all moved at breakneck speed back up to the Earth's
top layer, and they didn't stop for sandwiches, and when
they got up Phil the mysterious orphan said While I was
waiting, I ate Ralph, and the son said Ralph and I were
friends, and Phil the Danconian said I taught you
everything you know, and the son said Yeah, but you're
also an alien, and Phil the Danconian snarled and his head
exploded and turned into that of a multi-headed
bugworm, and he began slathering and spraying spittle
everywhere, and the son kickboxed him and Phil the
Danconian exploded, and the father said That was fairly
gstepl 215
intense, and the son said I guess so, but it was easier for
me because he had already been hit by an exploding bullet
from a while ago, and the father said We should carry out
the body, and Rick the POTUS said I've already called my
secretary up, and there was a gunshot, and Rick the POTUS
said That's my secretary, and he slumped over and said no
more, and the father and the son turned around to see the
woman standing in the doorframe, the woman holding the
pistol the father had dropped as they entered the center
of the Earth which I forgot to mention, but that's what
happened, and the father gasped and turned pale, and the
son said What is it, and the father said nothing, and the
son said That's my mother, isn't it
216 PONG
, and the father said No,
it's your babysitter, she used to look after you when you
were younger, and the babysitter secretary said It's
surprising how all that works out in the end, isn't it, and
the father said No, it's a completely irrelevant plot twist
that serves no purpose, and the babysitter secretary said
I'm also the former wife of the Ace of Spades, whom I used
to infiltrate the Mafia's secret headquarters when we had
to blow up the pink ping pong mines, and the father
said You're still not really impressing me, and the
babysitter secretary wife said Plus, I'm Lucy, and I loved
your son once but he broke my heart, so I dedicated my life
to serving an alien race, and the son said I thought you
looked familiar, and Lucy the babysitter secretary wife said
Also, to top it all off, I was the teenaged girl behind the
counter who was in love with your other son, and the
father said Ah, and Lucy the babysitter secretary wife
behind the counter said Now I hope you understand how
satisfying this revenge is, and the father said No, and Lucy
the babysitter secretary wife behind the counter said Why
not, and the father said I never met Lucy, I never cared
about the babysitter, and the Ace of Spades never
mentioned his wife, not to mention the fact that he wasn't
gstepl 217
my brother, and to be honest I didn't care about any of
that, so your revelations are not solving any truly
unanswered mysteries, and Lucy the babysitter secretary
wife behind the counter said Doesn't it shock you that I'm
sacrificing my every last value to serve an alien race, and
the father said No, considering I barely know anything
about the aliens and we've only seen one and he died fairly
quickly, and Lucy the babysitter secretary wife behind the
counter said You have a point, but what if I told you that B
from the Mafia circle was also a Danconian, and the father
said What Mafia circle, and Lucy the babysitter secretary
wife behind the counter said The one that you went to
after you bought the cider, and the father said See, I don't
even remember that having happened, and Lucy the
babysitter secretary wife behind the counter said You're
not a very exciting person, are you, and the father said I
live a very exciting life, it's just that I appreciate stories
that are more developed than yours, and I have more
pressing issues on my mind, and Lucy the babysitter
secretary wife behind the counter said Like what, and the
father said One month from now I'm going to find out all
about the pink ping pong balls, and Lucy the babysitter
secretary wife behind the counter said What a stupid thing
to waste your time on, and the father said Now you've
done it, and he opened fire, and the son started kickboxing
her, and Lucy, having never learned any mysterious
powers even when Phil the Danconian had offered her his
alien might, having taught herself to paint and draw anime
figures, died fairly quickly, and the father said I really hope
that all of this is over for good, and he and his son hugged,
which was really sweet, and one day a month later, the
father and some of his Mafia friends were in his house,
waiting for his son to walk in the door so they could
surprise him, and the father was lurking under the couch
218 PONG
when his phone rang, and he answered it, and a voice said
Is this the owner of the house, and the father said It is, and
the voice said Your son has been in a car crash, and I need
you to go to the hospital right away, and the father hung
up and told his friends to get out of his house, then he
drew to the hospital, and asked the doctor Is this the work
of Guntoting Greg, and the doctor said Who is Guntoting
Greg, and the father said He's a mob member out for
revenge, and the doctor said No, this was just a case of
bad driving, and the father said Ah, and the doctor said My
name is Desmond, by the way, and the father said Nice to
meet you, and Desmond the doctor said Don't you
recognize my name, and the father said No, and Desmond
the doctor said You've seen me somewhere else before but
you didn't know my name then, that's a hint, and the
father said I really don't know you at all, and Desmond the
doctor said Notice how revealing this diamond eye of mine
is, and the father said I really just honestly don’t care, and
Desmond the doctor said Fine, and the father said Where's
my son, and Desmond the doctor led him in, and the
father said That doctor gives me the willies, and the son
said Don't you know him, and the father said No, and the
son said That's sad, and the father said I have more
pressing issues on my mind, and the son said I know, and
he coughed once, pathetic, and he said Look, Daddy, I
know you want to know what the pink ping pong balls are
for, and the father said I'd rather you lived, and the son
said I need you to understand, I need you to know that
there was a purpose, and the father said I trust you, and
the son said Do you promise to go on, do you promise to
finish what I started, and the father said Of course, and the
son said I was a few short, but you must know that they
and then the son died.
gstepl 219
GREY TEXTS
The following are out of context, out of order, and
unrevised.
gstepl 221
When I was younger I used to tell people how I felt about
them in Pig Latin. I stopped once I realized everybody
understood me. Now I don’t tell people much at all. It’s
not as awkward.
222 GREY TEXTS

There are substitutes everywhere. There are more
substitutes than there are teachers. Substitutes walking
around the hallways, substitutes that know us all by name.
A few substitutes that moved schools with us, who have
known us since birth. Many more that we’ll never have.
Have you ever had your palm read? this one asks me.
I think so, I said.
Oh, the substitute says. That’s okay. It’s different every

time. Your unconscious mind changes the way your palm’s
read.
I’m fine with that, I say. The worksheet…
It’s fine, it’s fine. The substitute gestures dramatically.

Some things in life are more important than academics.
He spends a moment running his finger along mine.
Your fortune line is very long, he says. I expect you’ll be

famous one day. Your life line is short. Don’t worry about it
too much. Many famous people commit suicide at some
point.
gstepl 223
When I die, there won’t be a funeral. It’s depressing, and
when I’m dead I don’t really care what happens. In my will
I’ll have a stand-up comic meet with what’s left of my
family instead, to break the tension.
I haven’t written my will yet, though. If I die young, we’ll

have to go through the same old dead routine. It makes
you think.
224 GREY TEXTS

Dinner? Bea asks me one day.
No, I say. Not now.
I’m sorry, she says.
It’s not you, I say.
I know, she says. That’s why I’m sorry.
gstepl 225
Mr. Apicella sits in a corner all day long. He doesn’t talk to

his students. He plays a guitar, an acoustic one. Not any
song in particular, just a general sweeping of notes. He
doesn’t complain when we leave his class, which is nice,
because we leave it often.
You’re going to be like him some day, Bea says, as we leave

the classroom. You’re going to sit there and do your own
thing and be happily miserable.
Never, I say.
Face it, she says.
I can’t play the guitar, I say.
You’ll be some other substitute, then. You’ll just stay here

and turn into a part of the school.
226 GREY TEXTS

I want to leave this place as fast as possible, I tell her.
There’s nobody to love here.
gstepl 227
On weekends I ride trains.
I don’t buy a ticket till I’m already boarded. I go wherever I

can afford. Sometimes I get out at the end; other times I
just stay on the train until I’m back home. I’ll switch seats
between every stop, sometimes. I’ll take the seat across
from somebody and just look at them. It’s nice, staring at
somebody you’ve never met before. We all seem so
different before we get to know each other.
If I’ve got time I go broke instead. I let myself get kicked off
the train at every stop. Partway through the day I change
direction and let myself get kicked off on the way back.
They don’t mind too much, the conductors. As long as you
don’t put up a fight and keep polite they’ll let you back on
the next passage through, even if they know they’ll just
kick you off again.
I’ve never made it to the end of the line broke. I don’t

think I’ve even gone a full halfway. To be honest, I’ve
never taken the train much at all. I think about it a lot,
though. Moving fast and always knowing where you’ll end
up. It seems nice.
228 GREY TEXTS

In Europe, I say, dinner means lunchtime.
I don’t eat lunch.
Shame, I say. That might have worked out.
gstepl 229
Finally, we separate. I’m not sure what to say, so I say
nothing. After a while, we start walking again.
That was nice, I say, after far too long.
I’m glad you liked it, she says.
There’s a bit of a silence.
I had a good time tonight.
See? It’s worth trying out.
We kiss again, a while later, but already I’m pretty sure

things aren’t going to work out.
230 GREY TEXTS

You need to get out of that house.
I don’t see why.
Look at you. You’re unhealthy.
I don’t care.
I do.
I doubt that.
You’re wasting away, too. You’re letting it affect you too

much.
I’ll get over it.
I hope.
gstepl 231
Abby is just this girl I’ve known for a while. She’s the sort
of girl who’s unreal, brilliant, brilliant. I could go blind
looking at her too long. I’ve never talked to her.
232 GREY TEXTS

How far would second base be, exactly?
Hmm?
If somebody got to second, how far would that be going?
Fondling, I think. Bea goes back to the textbook.
First base is kissing?
Usually. Third is oral, home is vaginal. She shakes her

head. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.
When I talk about giving somebody a blowjob, I say, then

usually I figure I’ll just call it blowjob.
Do you find yourself talking about blowjobs often?
Only around you, I say.
She looks at me. You know how creepy that is, right?
Look on the bright side, I say. I almost manage to sound

like I’m joking. At least I’m not serious about it.
gstepl 233
Dr. Kenneth stands up on a chair one day and fiddles with

something on the ceiling. Fifteen minutes later, he claps to
get our attention. I’m sorry to have to inform you, he says,
but our classroom is under a tack.
Nobody laughs. Dr. Kenneth climbs back down. You kids

need a sense of humor. Nobody has a good sense of humor
nowadays.
When a student makes an insensitive comment, we’re

treated to a half-hour lecture on The American Dream. Dr.
Kenneth makes speeches about The American Dream
often. We’re not sure if he’s a real doctor.
234 GREY TEXTS

It’s weird, she says to me, over bites of salad. The way you
talk. It’s like you want me to stop and think about
everything you say.
Isn’t that how it should be? I ask. I try not to say things if
people don’t care about what I’m saying.
You take it pretty far sometimes, she says.
gstepl 235
The substitute rambles on like this for a while, talking
about aesthetic and golden ratios and glorious, glorious
things. He tells us that cellar door is the most beautiful
phrase ever devised in the English language. I would tell
him that cellar door is a stupid phrase, that nobody cares
about cellar door, that the most beautiful phrase in the
English language runs more along the lines of I felt that
way all along, but it’s not the same when you say it out
loud, and to be fair the stuff he’s talking about is pretty
interesting. It takes my mind off things.
236 GREY TEXTS

Bea leans over to me on a Thursday. I think your brother’s
dating my sister.
gstepl 237
I declare Nietzsche is wrong, the substitute says. I

challenge him to refute me.
I sit quietly. Next to me, Bea is entirely asleep and making

no effort to hide it: she’s nearly all the way out of her
chair. Her mouth is open. She looks like a little girl.
Any questions? the substitute asks. Yes there’s one, of

course there’s one, but nobody cares enough to ask the
teacher who Nietzsche is.
238 GREY TEXTS

She passes me and we almost look at each other. There’s a
hint of a smile on her face so I turn to look and she’s with
somebody else, they’re shopping together getting who
knows what, she takes his hand and I can’t do this
anymore. Abby, I love you. I don’t know if you know me
but I love you, I do, and you don’t even know. You won’t
know. You won’t see this. I love you.
gstepl 239
But that’s part of the problem, too. You get used to
thinking in numbers, working out the averages. You decide
it’s over before it’s even started. You never stop once to
think about the lucky breaks, the odds going wrong. It
messes everything up.
You can step back, or try, and look at things like they really
are. It’s all improbable, and it still happens. Statistically
speaking, I’m not here right now. You can remind yourself
of that all that you want, and you can hope that you’re a
dream come true. Eventually, though, you start to face
reality and conclude that, in fact, you aren’t here at all, it’s
probably just another dream.
All in all, I prefer math with substitutes.
240 GREY TEXTS

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, I tell her.
Oh, she says, or something to that effect.
gstepl 241
I’ve got no idea what to do now.
Neither do I, she says, and laughs a bit. What do you want

to do?
Nothing you want to do, I bet.
I guess, she says, and laughs again.
It’s weird, I think, weirder than anything, how this happens

so quickly, how I never once think about what to do next.
There’s nothing building up. There’s no planning, no
revisions. Sometimes, you never expect anything to
happen, and it happens anyway, all of it, and you ignore
the fact that it’s all unreal and you don’t know what’s
happening, and suddenly my arms are around her and
we’re kissing, really kissing, the sort that matters, and it’s
like everything I always pretended to write about.
A moment from now everything is going to go wrong, a

moment from now it’ll all be back to where we were in the
beginning, but for now it’s everything and it’s enough. It’s
enough.
242 GREY TEXTS

We’ll always be friends.
Will we?
We will. That’s more than you can say with a lot of people.
Ah.
Are you okay?
I am.
I know it’s not the best way.
I didn’t expect anything more, really.
Oh?
Thanks.
Only for you.
gstepl 243
It’s awkward, she says to me, over bites of salad. The way
you talk. You keep stumbling on things. You say things you
don’t want to say then you tread back and apologize. I like
it.
Maybe I say those things because I secretly want them

heard, I say. Maybe that was my plan all along.
Maybe you’re an awkward person, she says. You can own

up to it. There are worse things to be in the world.
244 GREY TEXTS

After the funeral, my phone rings once every fifteen
minutes, for a good twelve rings each time.
I don’t answer it. I know I ought to, but quite frankly life
was weird enough before pity set in, and I don’t want to
have to make sense of it all.
I write a few things, but I throw it all away. It’s not a huge
loss. There’s nothing worth keeping.
Anticlimax
I don’t get it, Bea says to me the next day.
gstepl 245
We kiss later that night. We don’t talk to each other the

day after.
246 GREY TEXTS

I don’t like the way this is going.
I don’t see why not.
Look at you. You’re starstruck.
I don’t care.
You will.
I might. Pause. I might.
You’re letting it affect you too much. You’re going to get

hurt.
I’m happy.
Pause.
I hope.
gstepl 247
Is this seat taken?
Hm?
Is this seat taken?
Oh. Yes it is.
Ah. Okay.
Sorry.
Sure thing.
A bell rings.
248 GREY TEXTS

It’s nice talking to you, she says. I don’t know how much
we’ve really ever talked before.
Not much, I say.
gstepl 249
Hey, Bea says.
Yeah?
I’ve been thinking. We’re still friends, right?
Of course, I say.
Oh, she says, slightly dejected.
I get back to doodling hearts in my notebook. It’s not the

sort of thing I usually do, but for once I’ve got an excuse.
How’s it going? she asks.
Well, I say, and I can’t help but smile. It’s going just, I like
it. I’m doing fine.
That’s nice to hear, she says.
Yeah.
There’s a pause.
We haven’t talked in a while.
250 GREY TEXTS

I guess we haven’t.
Another pause.
Are you sure we’re friends?
Why wouldn’t we be?
I don’t know, Bea says. I know you were upset back when –
a while ago.
I’m fine, I say. Really. We’re friends.
I’m not mad at you, she says.
I didn’t think you were.
She shrugs.
gstepl 251
For me, it’s no choice. I’ll take the good kiss and the
heartbreak every time. I’ll take the happily ever after that
never happened; I’ll take the romance that’s practically
made up. I’m fine with it all going horribly wrong, I guess,
just start it up first, let everything go right for a few
seconds, let me have something to mourn.
252 GREY TEXTS

I feel like a fool, I feel like I’ve got nothing to say, I don’t
know what to say, but I open my mouth and say it anyway.
gstepl 253
This is ridiculous.
I know.
It’s weird just thinking about… Did it really happen? Did

that really happen? Are you just making this all up?
Parts, I guess. I exaggerate some of it, probably. I try not

to.
I just don’t know what to do about this. I’ve got no idea

what to think about any of this anymore.
Believe all of it, I guess. Or believe none of it. Shrug. Either

way, it doesn’t change what happened. Or what’s going to
happen next.
254 GREY TEXTS

I’m not sure, I say.
I am. We’re eating tonight.
I’m busy later on.
You’re never busy, she says.
I’m busy tonight.
Fine, she says. We’ll eat right now. She gets up and walks
to our substitute. We’re going to leave early.
Our substitute looks like a nice guy, but he can’t tie a tie to
save his life. He’s wrapped it around his neck instead.
Reason for leaving?
We’re going to a restaurant, Bea says.
Oh, says the substitute. Not for school business?
Not at all.
gstepl 255
That’s fine, says the substitute. Okay? That’s fine. I’m a
pretty cool guy. You know? I really like being here for you.
Even if it means breaking some rules. Know what I mean?
I’m pretty cool with things.
You really are, says Bea, and flashes him a smile. I’m
jealous. Thank you so much.
You should get one of those Monopoly cards, he says. Get

one of those Get Out Of Jail Free cards. And just show it to
me. It would be funny. Right?
It would be, says Bea. This idea is clearly one of the

cleverest she’s heard in a long time. Yeah. Thanks for the
idea.
You’re welcome! the substitute calls back. Any time! Talk

to me whenever. I’m a pretty cool guy once you get to
know me.
256 GREY TEXTS

FOURTH WALL DOWN
by rory marinich
First: in case anybody is remotely interested, this

section is written using Cambria, designed by Jelle
Bosma. Both this and the Calibri fontface are available
with the purchase of the 2007 (2008 for Mac) edition of
Microsoft Office. Microsoft: thanks. I may hate you, but
how I love your fonts.
A disclaimer or two: when writing this, I was trying to

capture the writing attitude of a young writer. A lot of
that attitude involved making sure facts were
inaccurate or misstated. Anybody seeking to truly
understand allusions, symbolism, and the like could do
much better than simply quoting statements made by
gstepl’s narrator. Similarly, in Pong the law of averages
is dreadfully mangled, along with the various
statements of quantum theory. These are fascinating
subjects in their own right, but the way they’re stated
here is not only misleading but in fact inaccurate.
Anybody who finds their History class boring and

dreadful should start with Lies My Teacher Told Me and
other Jeff Loewen books. They’re excellent starting
points and really help illustrate how fascinating history
can be, when placed in the right hands.
One last thing before I give out thanks: several people

who helped me edit this pointed out that the story of
gstepl 257
the phrase cellar door appears in the film Donnie Darko.
I was entirely unaware of this when I wrote that
segment; I do not have fond memories of the movie
Donnie Darko. The cellar door bit was first written
about by Tolkien in 1955, and it’s a fairly well-known
bit of trivia.
Writing is not easy. Writing a novel is harder than most

other things. I could not have possibly managed to
finish this on my own, in the time frame I wanted to
work with (six months during my senior year of high
school), without an unreasonable amount of support
from various teachers. Rather than constant detentions
throughout the year, they restrained themselves to
merely insulting me several times a day, which was
nice, because it meant I could insult them back. To those
teachers: thanks for being entirely unlike the few
teachers that appear in this work. In particular: thanks
to Melissa Charych and Joe Geddes for reading over this
at the last minute.
Thanks to everybody who helped me edit this. In

particular: Kristen Allen and Tom Apicella read over my
earliest drafts and damned them repeatedly. Tom was
the person I relied on for editing more than anybody
else, and I only hope he can forgive me for being a bit of
a twerp. Ali Kathler appeared from out of the blue and
got rid of all of my various spacing errors. David
Oommen and Andrea Forrest had the dubious privilege
of getting to read every last word I wrote this year,
whether or not they wanted to. Anna Kalinsky and
Katherine Mersch were the people lucky enough to read
near-final drafts of my work only: they were the people
who let me know when I was nearly done with my
work. Mike Gruber caught one error up in the first
258 FOURTH WALL DOWN

section, which isn’t much, but he demanded placement
in here anyway, so here goes.
Thanks to Mark Ippolito, who in sixth grade read a six-

page essay I wrote (about writing pointlessly long
essays), laughed, and said, “You ought to be a writer.”
There are several people unfortunate enough to have

grown up with me who I respect deeply. Everything in
this novel that doesn’t stem from me most likely
borrows heavily from them. Thanks to my entire class.
Thanks in particular to Bill Rossi, Matt Hunold, Chris
Hendricks, Ricky Gebbia, and Sam Werner, along with
all the others I’ve named already.
Thanks also to everybody in West Morris Central’s

drama class and club. You kept me sane.
Alanna, Bea, Christie, Jenna, Laura, Lauren, Leila, Lily,

Liz, Petra, Sam, Reed, Weems, Kat, Doug, Robbie, and
Petermurphy all ought to get separate thanks, but I’ve
got limited space here. They all know how much I owe
them as it is.
My extended family has to put up with me more than

anybody else. They don’t deserve thanks. They deserve
a medal.
Thanks to the Internet as a whole. You guys rock.
Finally, a special thanks to Jenna (different Jenna), who

was apparently my first kiss – I don’t remember (it was
first grade); Claire, who walked with me down to the
computer lab; Emily, who deserves a much better
dedication than any I could think of; Haley, who I’m
gstepl 259
praying never reads this; Audrey, who kept me lint-free
for a good two months; Katherine, who ruined Shrek in
the best way possible; Katie, for serenades and
Seussical; Sarah, for listening to me that one time;
Samantha, around whom I get terribly awkward; and
Michelle, whose slippery flute joint infected mine
somewhere along the way. Without you, life would have
been terribly boring.
Oh, and thank you for reading this, whoever you are. It
was very nice of you.
December 2007
May 2008
260 FOURTH WALL DOWN

APPENDIX ONE
notes on the appendix after this
The actual story appears in the appendix after this one.

You should probably read that first.
Part 1
This is not finished. Take note.
Fall's Eve
Allusion. Genesis opens early with a story about the fall of
Eve.
Once upon
Allusion. The clichéd start to every clichéd story.
Beyond their home lay a garden

Allusion. The garden of Eden. Also, the garden that the
witch of Rumpelstiltzkin occupies. This is an old archetype.
Gardens, also symbolize the feminine, because you plant

seeds in both gardens and women. They also symbolize
growth.
gstepl 261
a tower – a tall, sleek, dark thing
Symbol. Phallic imagery.
a spring day came

Symbol. Spring is a month for growth. It symbolizes
beginning as winter symbolizes end.
the serpent
Symbol, allusion. The Eden story again. Also phallic.
entered their home through a window

Symbol. Phallic. When a snake goes through an opening,
it’s supposed to remind you of a penis going through a
vagina.
It was large and withered, and only had one eye.

Symbol. Phallic. A one-eyed snake is essentially a literary
penis.
This was part of a plan. Odin only had one eye, and the
serpent embodied that archetype in Part 2 (not included).
I come only to bring you pleasure.

Symbol. This continues the phallic serpent imagery.
“Come” can also mean “ejaculate.” An extended metaphor
like this is called a conceit.
262 APPENDIX ONE

my Lilith.
Allusion. Lilith, according to Jewish folklore, was Adam’s
first wife, who was banished for turning out to be a demon
rather than an actual human being.
The serpent visited her many more times.

Symbol. This is supposed to imply sex. It follows the theme
of the serpent’s tempting Eve.
I see the hard thing at its core.

Symbol. Phallic. This also frames the entire island as an
apple. Apples are loaded with symbolic weight. Whenever
an author mentions an apple in a story it’s probably a
symbol. Apples can represent temptation, progress,
femininity, and healthy lifestyles.
But he surrendered as the week moved on.

Allusion. Genesis opens with an abbreviated story of Man,
then details the fall. The same principle is in effect here.
those small, insignificant pricks.

Wordplay. Penis.
Not towards oblivion, said the woman. Past it.

Allusion. This is a play on the word “oblivion,” which can
mean both death and ignorance. The Tree of Knowledge
moves Mankind past oblivion in both ways.
Let us go then, you and I.

Allusion. The opening line of a T. S. Eliot poem.
gstepl 263
despite her husband’s attempts to arouse her.
Wordplay.
As eve fell on the sixth day, man entered the garden.

Allusion. Again the image of falling Eve on the sixth day.
It guards its seed, my master.

Symbol. Apple imagery. Also note that “seed” is a symbol
of children and embryos and semen.
Lilith came across him. Lilith came across everyone who

visited her garden.
Wordplay. “Come” again.
Her hair was red as clay,

Symbol. Two parts. First the image of clay, to suggest that
Lilith was created from the earth itself. Mythic Lilith was
created from the earth, just as Adam was, but she insisted
that she was allowed to disobey Adam, since they were
equals. Open-minded Adam banished her or something,
and had God make him a woman out of some spare ribs
instead.
Second, the image of blossoming red hair is feminine

imagery. It should be obvious why.
it blossomed from her. Her voice was flowery as she

spoke to him.
Symbol. Flower imagery.
264 APPENDIX ONE

Nothing is necessary, honey,
Symbol. Lilith again plays the counterpart to the symbol of
the bee. The language is anachronistic – if the mood is
something akin to mythical, using honey as a term of
endearment is out of place. But I think it works here.
The man looked at her and stiffened.

Erection.
Did you mean to sting me so?

Symbol. Lilith is flirting with him using bee imagery. In real
life, this is rarely effective. In stories featuring nude men
and women, bee imagery is where it’s at.
in a voice sweet and sticky.

Symbol. Again the comparison to honey.
Afterwards, they slept for a while.

Wordplay. Sex again.
Lilith woke on the seventh day. The man still rested.

Allusion. The seventh day of the week is biblically the day
of rest. Lilith violates this proclamation. It’s a silly rule
anyway.
The water broke as she approached it.

Wordplay. Birth imagery.
I could not have gone without it

Wordplay. “Gone” here is a euphemism for death.
gstepl 265
You knew? asked Lilith.
I do now, the woman replied.
You die now, Lilith told her.
Allusion. A quick summary of the story of the Tree of
Knowledge.
I shall not want.

Allusion. Some psalm.
This is not a land for shepherds,

Allusion. Same psalm.
Withered and seedless.

Symbol. Apple imagery. Almost anything talking about
fruits refers to women.
You are not her keeper

Allusion. This is a reversal of God’s message to Cain.
You loved a woman who was below you

Allusion. In the Lilith tales, Lilith refused to lie below
Adam, and so she was replaced with Eve. This sort of
attitude is sadly commonplace.
You can never return, said Lilith. Should you leave, I can
promise you a fiery death upon your return.
Allusion. God threatened Adam and Eve with an angel
whose sword was made of fire.
You will be a fugitive. A wanderer on this earth.

Allusion. The words spoken to a banished Cain.
266 APPENDIX ONE

How long can you tread water?
Allusion. Bill Cosby, the famous stand-up comic, used this
in one of his routines about Noah’s Ark.
The girl was placed at the top of the tower

Allusion. Rapunzel.
with nobody to keep her company but the serpent

Allusion. Beyond being an archetypal Odin, the serpent
would have played the role of Prometheus, who brought
knowledge to mankind.
To give an example of the intended scope of this work, the

serpent was also expected to become a Merlyn figure, an
Osiris figure, and a pirate.
The king and his three sons landed in a swamp.

Allusion. The king would have come to represent King
Arthur and his mythos. The sons would have each become
Jack, harbinger of English folklore; Ivan, representative of
Russian fairy tales; and Ali, personification of the Arabian
Nights. Those are the parts I wanted to write most.
We are not so long-lived as you.

Allusion. In Genesis, Noah is the last of a race called the
antediluvians, which is the breed of biblical humanity that
lived for centuries on end. He was the last.
She is to be my wife.
Cliffhanger. This is a way of drawing you in, convincing you
to stay tuned for the next chapter. Only there are no more
chapters. The story ends here.
gstepl 267
APPENDIX TWO
Part 1; or, Fall's Eve
Once upon an isle there lived a man and a woman. The

woman was with child.
Beyond their home lay a garden. In that was a tower – a

tall, sleek, dark thing. Both man and woman wanted what
lay in the garden, but neither entered, for fear of the
tower.
Time went on, however, and a spring day came when the
serpent entered their home through a window, when the
man was not at home.
Do not worry, it whispered to the woman. It was large and

withered, and only had one eye. I come only to bring you
pleasure.
You are a strange thing, said the woman. I am not sure

that I trust your words.
gstepl 269
Look at the garden, said the serpent. It belongs to my
Lilith. I am sure you desire her fruit.
I would never think of that, the woman said.
Surely you know Lilith intimately already.
I do not know who Lilith is, the woman said.
Curious, said the serpent. Lilith wants you to enter. Her

fruit is yours to taste.
You cannot invite me to this, said the woman. It is not your

right.
Just a mouthful, the serpent said. It is delicious.
You speak of only fruit, said the woman. I find other things
more enjoyable.
The serpent visited her many more times.
Summer passed with a pleasant sigh.
Would you bring me anything I asked for? the woman

asked her husband one day, after the serpent had come.
270 APPENDIX TWO

Of course, replied the man. I only live for your sake. What
is it you desire?
Nothing beyond what I have here, said the woman.
The snake came again as the leaves fell. Fall is nearly gone,
it told her. You will have no fruit.
It will grow again, said the woman.
The fruit of this garden has always been short-lived, said

the serpent. When it goes, you may not see it again.
It does not tempt me, said the woman, but this was a lie.
Her child had begun to kick violently, and she worried for
her health. The thought of fruit soothed her.
She spoke with hints of longing in her voice, and the

serpent heard.
Your husband will bring it to you if you ask him, the

serpent said.
I am not so sure, said the woman, but this was an act of

surrender.
I shall not see you again, said the serpent. This is your
choice.
gstepl 271
It left her with a hint of a satisfied hiss.
As autumn grew to a close, she approached her husband

and asked.
He refused.
You said once you would bring me everything I desire, she

reminded him.
That garden is a place of sorrow, said the man.
There is no sorrow in such joy, the woman said.
You know nothing of sorrow, the man said. You see the
pleasure that garden will give you. I look and see things
beyond the trees. I see the sort of slithering scum that
wants a garden for a home. I see the hard thing at its core.
You do not need that in your life.
I want it, said the woman. Is that such a bad thing?
What made you think of fruit? asked the man.
It came to me randomly, said the woman. She did not

speak of the serpent explicitly. I saw it then and wanted it.
I will not, said the man. But he surrendered as the week
moved on.
272 APPENDIX TWO

On the eve of the first day, the man held her near as she
grew tired, and asked, Do you ever look at the sky above
you?
I see the sky often, said the woman.
I wonder about the stars, said the man. By day, they hide.
At night, I think, they bring the world beyond this island to
us.
Do not be foolish, said the woman. Stars only move to

escape the sun. There is no wonder in the sky. All the sun
and stars show is might and cowardice. Will you bring me
the fruit I need?
I will not, said the man. I hope you can forgive me.
The woman was silent for a long time. The moon has left
us tonight, she finally said. All I see left in the sky are those
small, insignificant pricks.
Are you well? asked the man on the second day.
gstepl 273
I am not, the woman told him.
That fruit is sending you towards oblivion, said the man.
Not towards oblivion, said the woman. Past it.
I am sure it is the child in you causing this.
Without that fruit, said the woman, I doubt our child will
ever grow at all.
I have seen the end of the world, the man told her. When
the sun sets over the sea, the line between ocean and sky
vanishes. The sun faces us and bows. Then it is
extinguished altogether.
The sun always rises, said the woman. I am certain of it,

though I never see it. The garden blocks it from my sight.
You are not well, the man said. The woman did not hear
him.
On the third day, the man spoke to her once. This night
shall be a still one, he said.
I never see the night, said the woman. Nor the day.
274 APPENDIX TWO

Let us go then, you and I. It would do you well to get you
out of this small place for a time. We shall see the shore.
He told me the fruit would fall soon, the woman told him. I
will watch the garden to the end, until all I love is lost.
The sea climbs higher every day, said the man. It rises to
see you. It would flood the world to get your attention.
The rest of the third day passed in silence. The ocean rose.
On the fourth day, the tree nearest the house lost its fruit.
It happened quickly.
First the tree was fully grown. There was a sudden, blank
moment, difficult to describe, and it lost its life. The
woman noticed this.
She did not move again for some time, despite her
husband’s attempts to arouse her.
I saw a new thing outside the window today, said the man
on the fifth day. The woman did not move. There was a
bird. It was not far from our door – the sea has nearly
come to us.
gstepl 275
The gull, he said after a time, drifted along what was once
the shore, erratic, looking for a place to land. It found
nothing of the sort.
What it found, rather, was food. It fell suddenly, and when

it rose it clutched some fish in its talons. It dropped it in
your garden. It was not strong enough to hold on.
What did the fish think as it fell to its death? he asked. It is

surely gone by now: a fish cannot survive without water,
even in a garden.
I do not know if the bird survived, he said later that night.
The fruit was nearly gone by the sixth day.
You are not at all well, said the man. Imagine what an
infant would think of a mother like this.
He paused.
What of the world? he asked. You see the sea as well as I

by now: it approaches the garden. What has the rest of the
world seen?
Time went.
Why has everything changed? asked the man.
276 APPENDIX TWO

His wife did not respond.
Fine, he said at last. I will go for you, regardless of the

consequences.
She did not move.
Are you happy?
Perhaps you still care for me, said the man.
As eve fell on the sixth day, man entered the garden.
His wife stayed silent, even after he left.
gstepl 277
The man entered a world of water: the ocean was vast,
and still climbing. The fruit was almost gone.
The sea followed him as he searched, and drowned out

many of the remaining trees. It moved him closer and
closer to the tower.
As he reached the trees at the tower’s edge, he was

stopped by the serpent.
You are wet, it remarked.
I am in a hurry, the man told him. My wife is ill and seeks

fruit.
This tower forms a tasteless core, said the serpent. It

guards its seed, my master.
It is all that remains, said the man.
Remains are not enough. Are you truly so greedy?
278 APPENDIX TWO

Death will come, said the man.
It does not have to come for you.
It does not, the man agreed, but death is at least a worthy

end.
Indeed, said the serpent. Curious. I shall be watching you.
It does not affect me either way, the man said, and

continued his search along the trees. The water slowly
came to take him, and he found himself naked as he
looked, his clothes lost to the sea. No fruit could be found.
gstepl 279
Lilith came across him. Lilith came across everyone who
visited her garden.
At first he did not notice her in his search. He heard a

sound, however, and quickly grew frightened of the
foreigner and of his own nudity. For a fleeting moment, he
thought of his wife. Then he hid behind an olive tree, to
retain what dignity he still had.
Lilith arrived. While the man had expected the thing in the
tower to be some sort of wretched thing, unformed and
hideous, Lilith was whole and beautiful. Her hair was red
as clay, and it blossomed from her. Her voice was flowery
as she spoke to him. What are you doing by yourself,
behind that tree?
I am guarding myself, the man said with a blush. She

seemed to be mocking him. I am not wearing a thing.
Nothing is necessary, honey, said Lilith. Only yourself.

Here, all that matters is the beginning. Are you new?
280 APPENDIX TWO

I have been here for some time, I think. The man paused.
She was somehow familiar to him. I am not sure I know
quite what you mean.
I have seen you before, Lilith said. My sister is your wife.
I felt I had known you before, said the man. I forget your
name.
Let me take you inside, said Lilith. The man looked at her
and stiffened. What’s the matter? Are you intimidated?
It is a frightening-looking place, said the man.
Did you mean to sting me so? asked Lilith. I am certain my

dwelling is just as comfortable as your own home. More,
even. It is the perfect size for me and a guest.
I am not sure if this is right, said the man. I come for my

wife, and would like to finish as quickly as possible.
If it is fruit you want, said Lilith. I would be glad to oblige.

Come with me now.
The man followed her as she entered the tower, and found
the inside of it intimately lit.
Have you eaten recently?
gstepl 281
I have not, the man said. I have been too concerned with
my child.
Your child? asked Lilith. No, no. Forget about him for now.
I will help you relax.
I do not wish to trespass in that way, said the man. He

suddenly remembered their nudity.
Lilith moved to him. You have done your worst to me

already, she reminded him, in a voice sweet and sticky.
You have moved into my garden. Nothing else matters
nearly so much as that. She brought something to his
mouth before he could speak. Do you like it?
It is delicious, the man said after a moment. There was a

catch in his voice.
I can give more to you, said Lilith. Would that be good?
She joined him.
Afterwards, they slept for a while.
282 APPENDIX TWO

This garden was not the beginning.
The past never dies.
Remember that.
Lilith woke on the seventh day. The man still rested.

Soundlessly, she left the tower and moved towards the
wife’s dwelling. The water broke as she approached it.
She knocked only once on the door, and it opened

immediately. Lilith moved in before the woman could say
a thing. The door shut behind her. No water entered the
household.
What do you want? asked the woman.
Do you not remember me? Lilith wanted to ask, but did

not. Instead, she smiled sweetly. I come from the garden,
she said.
Her sister looked at her strangely. Did you come from him?
she asked.
gstepl 283
Your husband sent me, said Lilith. He has not returned.
She opened her hand. An apple sat in her palm. He sends

me, and this.
The woman reached for it and a wail sounded from across

the room. Lilith followed her sister’s gaze and saw a child
lying in the crib.
Do not mind her, her sister said. My daughter shall be well.
Your daughter? asked Lilith.
Her sister smiled. It was unsettling. You told me I could

have the fruit, she said.
Lilith smiled venomously and handed over the apple.
There was something unhealthy about the fruit: it was

dark, hard, sour. Her sister bit into it right away.
I find this almost disgusting, she said after a moment’s

chewing.
The taste will change, Lilith said. May I hold your child?
Her sister took another bite. Be gentle to her, she said.

That bite was worse than the last.
Nevertheless, she took another bite, and another, and

another, until all that remained of the apple was the dark
core.
Did you enjoy it? asked Lilith.
284 APPENDIX TWO

Her sister thought for a moment, then nodded. I think so,
she said. Yes.
That was not such a healthy thing for you, said Lilith.
I suspected as much, replied the woman.
Why did you eat it?
I could not have gone without it, the woman said. There
was no other way for her to say it.
Of course you could have, said Lilith. What did that apple
give you?
Now I understand, said the woman. I did not enjoy eating

it. I know it was not a good thing for me. But I do know it,
and I did not before, and so I end merrily. She paused for a
moment. Voluntarily or due to the poison, Lilith did not
know. Besides, she continued, You offered it to me. I could
never deny what my sister offered me.
You knew? asked Lilith.
I do now, the woman replied.
You die now, Lilith told her.
I am sorry for you.
For me? Lilith paused. You do not need to pity me.
gstepl 285
It is a terrible thing, I think, when sister kills sister. I will
not have to think of it for much longer. Tell my daughter,
when she grows older.
Your daughter will not, Lilith told her. She will never leave
this island.
You cannot enforce that for long, said the woman. You
have tried controlling the world around you before. I
remember. It fails now as it did then.
He chose you, said Lilith. The woman knew who Lilith

referred to. I feel you know why.
I do, said the woman. Can you not bring yourself to ask
me? She looked at Lilith. That was a foolish question. I
know you cannot.
I would have given him the world, said Lilith. My garden

was his from the start.
You gave him fruit, said the woman. I gave him flesh. You
chose the remains of what you took first for yourself.
You never wanted him like I did, said Lilith.
I shall not want. This sounded less like a statement than a

quotation.
This is not a land for shepherds, Lilith told her. Nor

scholars, nor alchemists. The land serves itself alone.
Even now your garden is vanishing, the woman said. Do

not speak to me; you still understand nothing.
286 APPENDIX TWO

We will see, said Lilith, but her sister was already gone.
She threw the apple’s core into the ocean as she left.
gstepl 287
The man woke alone and was frightened. Then Lilith
arrived again.
Where have you been? he asked. This place is not safe for
me.
Do not play the fool, Lilith said brusquely. This tower is no

more dangerous than the garden beyond it and you know
it.
That hardly reassures me.
Your wife is dead, said Lilith. Withered and seedless. Not

even the fruit she so craved could save her.
I should never have left her, said the man. The fruit I had
was nothing to her life.
No, Lilith said. You should have left long ago. You are not
her keeper, any more than I am now yours. She should
have learned to live on her own long ago. Perhaps she
would still live today.
I loved her, said the man.
You can love me now.
288 APPENDIX TWO

No, said the man. You never understood, even then. I will
never love you, hard as you try.
You loved a woman who was below you, said Lilith. Do you
avoid me because we are equals?
You do not need me, the man said.
I want you.
Want is not love, said the man. I needed her as she needed
me. We grew together.
She will not grow anymore, said Lilith. I am the only place
left for you.
I will be leaving, said the man.
No, said Lilith.
You could never stop me.
You would not leave without your child.
Lilith held the child in her arms. She stroked it.
Do you not want her?
You would never give her to me, said the man.
I gave her my name, said Lilith. If you guess what she is

called, I will give her to you. Until you do, you must stay
with me.
gstepl 289
I refuse, the man said.
You can never return, said Lilith. Should you leave, I can
promise you a fiery death upon your return. Would you
abandon your child?
I would not play a game with you for her return, said the
man. She will grow. I shall see her some day.
She will never leave, said Lilith.
You are the fool, said the man.
You will be a fugitive. A wanderer on this earth.
Do not deceive yourself, said the man. You are the outcast
here. More than that you cannot say.
I would like to see you again, said Lilith.
We travel to opposite ends of the world, said the man.

Your destination is not one of water.
How long can you tread water? asked Lilith. You will
return, or try.
I am finished, said the man. He left.
Lilith was gone too, after a time. The girl was placed at the
top of the tower, the core of the island, with nobody to
keep her company but the serpent, which had never left.
There she grew.
290 APPENDIX TWO

The flood lasted for a long time. When it died down, the
garden had returned to dust. Only two things remained:
an olive tree, now in full bloom; and, near where the
house had once been, the starts of an apple sapling.
gstepl 291
Coda:
The world beyond the garden was damaged. Hills and

mountains leveled. Trenches and canyons filled. Desert
and forest alike was replaced with a watery sort of
nothing.
The king and his three sons landed in a swamp.
Here, said the king. We build here.
How should we build? asked the oldest of the three sons.
I am not sure, replied the king. There must be a way. We

have time.
You have time, said the middle son. We are not so long-
lived as you.
Must I have such ingrates for sons? asked the king. I

understand how hard it will be, I assure you. When I first
rose to power, long ago, I went through similar hardships.
Complaining will not make our jobs easier. Let us start
creating our kingdom immediately.
292 APPENDIX TWO

The youngest son had much to say, but said nothing. More
so than his brothers, he knew how useless argument
would be.
Even before a castle was built, the king and his sons set
about establishing their kingdom. The brothers
immediately began creating a set of rules, to ensure
equality and fair treatment to all.
Three days later, the king banished his oldest son from his
home, for coming across him naked. The two other
brothers noticed this, and it made them warier, if
anything.
The eldest son did not leave the land in confusion. He

knew where he would be going. Nights ago, in dreams, he
had seen a tower rising above the sky itself. It was a
foreign place, he knew immediately. Not a building he was
easily able to comprehend. In a way, he was certain it
would divide him from his brothers, separate them in ways
he did not yet imagine.
He was just as certain, however, that he was meant to

seek out the tower on his own. Not for the sake of the
tower, which he knew to be alien in nature, and evil. He
went for the sake of the woman he was sure would be at
its top.
I know her well, he thought. She is to be my wife.
gstepl 293
APPENDIX THREE
notes on the appendix after this
The actual story appears in the appendix after this one.

You should probably read that first.
What is love? Amar.

By now you should see it’s going to be a sad story.
Anybody who starts with love and ends with a vocabulary
word is a person who’s going to doom himself in the end.
I’m fascinated with people who doom themselves. I can
identify with that sort of thing.
Conjugations:
After this you know there’s no love. There’s nothing about
love in conjugations. The irony is that conjugations is all
this story is about. There’s no hope anywhere here. You’ve
got to pay attention to these things.
amamos
Not quite relevant, but this is an interesting word to talk
about. Amamos, “we love” in Spanish, is the rare sort of
word that shows what it means visually. If you take “AM-”
to be the official piece of the word that means “love,” then
gstepl 295
“we love” literally places “AM” next to itself twice.
But considering the way that any Spanish verb ending in “-

ar” conjugates with an “-amos” ending for “we,” I think
the real root of the matter (pardon me) lies with the way
the language deals with the concept of “we.” If you want
to look at it the language literally binds the idea of love
with the concept of any group of people. Love is a
relationship, however informal, and any relationship,
however informal, is love. “AM” becomes more than
either. It becomes, simply put, a bond. If you don’t believe
me, try and walk away from love. Just fucking try.
That can't be right

Here, the initial rejection of the possibility of love. Though
I would like to think he was just reacting to the absurdity
of the language, not of love itself. I mean, he’s got a
chance if you think about it. I’d just hope he doesn’t waste
it.
If the teacher's to be believed,

Unbelievable cynicism. This kid already doesn’t trust his
peers. This becomes a theme as things go on, as you, dear
reader, will find out. You can read a great deal of
educational criticism in all this if you read between the
lines.
that's all we get

A few things to note: first, notice the ambiguity of “we.”
We the class? We the human race? It’s up for
296 APPENDIX THREE

interpretation. Also: notice the impertinent “that’s all”
that he throws along with it, as if heartbreak isn’t worth it
for the chance of something better.
ending optional
This is an important thing to note, flippant as it might
seem in his retelling. It’s not over. It doesn’t have to be
over. There’s somebody here that he likes. Somebody he
could end things with. The fact that he doesn’t take it is his
choice, and it’s not a choice that he can only make the
once.
Although there’s more than that tonight. He could go with

Amanda. There are hundreds of Amandas, I’m sure, that I
don’t mention anywhere, to go along with the one or two
Amys. But they’re Amanda. Being with Amanda means
never having a chance at Amy. It means giving up. It means
no romance, no hope. No love. It’s high school, remember,
maybe even a bit earlier than that. Why not give it a
chance, hope and dream?
And why stop there? Why not go chase dreams forever?

Call it tragedy to me, but how I’m feeling right now the
real tragedy is putting up with Amanda. Being with her
means admitting you’re Amanda too.
This will be discussed later.
“All verbs end the same: you only learn the suffix once.
I’d like to point out that, all wordplay aside, this is actually
gstepl 297
how Spanish gets taught. You can learn things by reading,
and lots of it is true.
The root’s the part that matters.”

What matters is love itself is what this is saying. Not the
ending. I guess that’s something to think about. You could
also look at this line as a bit of phallic imagery but please
don’t. I didn’t mean it that way.
In my experience, though
Verbal irony. From my experience this kid isn’t nearly
experienced enough.
nothing special
Again: this kid doesn’t understand love. Love not special?
Honestly. Heartbreak is the purest love there is.
My suffix.
Every suffix is personal. Also note the deft way in which he
moves from the generic “its ending” to the personal bits.
This kid might not know what’s he’s doing with love, but
he’s got an excellent flair for storytelling, fictional as he
may be.
I love—yo amo—but she loves another. Ella ama.

The repeated theme. Here is my tragedy, here is how I
minimize it. I know it fails but it hurts less in Spanish.
The real implied tragedy is this: nobody cares about

anybody but themselves, and for good reason, so why
298 APPENDIX THREE

even bother loving anybody? Either you ought to love me
and make me feel better or get out of my story right now.
Only it doesn’t really work like that.
my love,
Again the switch. “This class. My love.” There’s also the
hidden connotation implying his love for the class more
than for the people in it. It’s a sad possiblity. Why else
would he be spitting out all these words?
two simple letters start it all.

AM. But we’ve talked about that already. What we haven’t
talked about, and what we won’t talk about for long, is the
way that another word for letters is characters, and how
literally again AM puts two characters together in an
entirely literal sense. It’s a sort of mathematical poetry.
Amy
I love names. I love picking out names that fit for people.
Amy fits so perfectly here that it still gives me chills.
There’s the opening AM, yes. There’s the fact that Amy
and ami, which pops up here a bit later, are so similar in
structure. There’s the important connotation between
that and the French language. Best of all is the hidden
breakdown, the “am y” that, in Spanish, means “love and.”
The name “Amy” is an open invitation.
sits up and yawns:

I don’t need to tell you all this. Her yawning? Her not
caring about whatever’s being said? The suggestions, due
gstepl 299
to the narrative style, of her yawning directly at me?
You’re starting to get it, I hope.
braces are gone,

Forget the “change from youth to maturity” that you know
I’ve put here. I’ll get a bit more personal. If you’ve never
fallen in love with a girl with braces, then seen her get
them off, you will never be able to understand just how
heartbreakingly beautiful this passage is, and you should
just give up on this story right now. I don’t think I’m
exaggerating here. It’s a way of making fiction real.
I note. Amy has no notes:

Notes and letters. One a piece of music, the other a piece
of language. Both are also methods of conveying
messages: not only in the “take notes, send letters” way
but in the ultimate breakdown of “here I am, singing you a
song, writing you words you’ll never notice.” There’s
something about love in all that but I’d rather not nitpick.
she took French last year, and so kinda-sorta knows

Spanish already.
First of all, “kinda-sorta” is a good word, and you had
better like it.
Second of all, here’s the second theme of the story, that of

the gap between friends and lovers. I would like to point
out the similarities in sound between the word French and
the word friend. It’s nothing I expect you to be able to see
right away, don’t worry but there’s a shadow of the one in
300 APPENDIX THREE

the other. It’s something shading everything I’m saying
here. It builds up a web behind all this, the web between
Amy and ami and friends and French, everything about
each of them weaving around each other to point out,
again and again, just how useless all this is. Sorry. You
don’t care.
Ms. Teacher.
“Mis-Teacher” is one way you could look at this, “false
Teacher,” or you could say this name shows how little she
matters, or you could say that it’s a funny name. Your pick.
“Miss Kimball!”
I like the last name Kimball. I don’t know. It sounds nice.
But Amy doesn't know the meaning of amar, not really.

You need to be fairly lonely to say something like this,
even if it is beautifully phrased.
Spanish isn't the only place she barely manages passing

grades.
I don’t like this line, poignant as it may be, because it
implies that Amy is a poor student. I would like to think
that she is in fact a very good student who just doesn’t like
Spanish. I don’t mean her any disrespect.
“Friend?”
The first thing she says, and it’s wrong for our hero. It’s
also an aesthetic reiteration of the story’s theme and of
Amy’s relationship with the French language and with
gstepl 301
mistranslation.
she tries,
I always hate it when people say that trying is enough. It’s
wrong every time.
Amy blushes.
How beautiful, her blush. I live for it.
French. Ami.”
The two words that, together, define the character of
Amy: not-Spanish, not-love. The last two words,
incidentally, that she speaks. Considering this is a story
about how things end, this is another iteration of the
overall theme.
“A mi,”
“Ms. Teacher mispronounces.” Wouldn’t that have been a
terrible pun?
There’s also something here in the word “a,” which as a

suffix often means “without” or lacking. “Without me.”
That part’s true too. “Not me.” True both literally and
figuratively. It’s like having one person named Bea and the
other named…
Or perhaps that one’s too obvious as-is.
“means to me in Spanish.
Ms. Teacher tries. She can’t help it if Amy won’t learn.
302 APPENDIX THREE

no two languages are quite the same,”
and she’s right.
and she's right.

She speaks the truth, but she messes everything up
despite that. I think this is an excellent way to look at how
these teachers work.
In the end, they’re not even close.

Here’s another pun for you. Literally, they’re not the same
at all in the end, though they’re similar in the beginning.
I had hoped to end

Pun.
Looking at this out of context, my character would appear

to be suicidal.
with amar,
First of all, you can’t end with amar, because that’s the
verb before conjugations or, in fact, any endings at all.
Second, the correct word here would be the noun phrase,
amor, though I think that loses something in terms of
aesthetic.
so I gave her a letter and she sent something back.

Whenever you’re told that you got “something,” instead of
“a letter” or “laid,” you know it’s not going to be
something good. A small subtlety in style.
gstepl 303
Something was lost in translation,
The Spaniards want love, the French completely miss it all.
That’s not historically accurate. I’m not in European
History this year. It’s just how things work out in this story.
those two letters

Isn’t this clever enough to make you puke?
Amy was ami a mi.

Every clever person is a sad person who’s been told not to
cry. I believe this firmly.
acted
Does she even mean the friendship part? I’m sure I’ll never
know. I would like to think she does. I’m not sure.
five letters
A subtle play on am-orous versus am-iably. It could be
either one. This is the sort of genius that does nobody any
good. I don’t know, then, if it even deserves to be called
genius. Anything truly brilliant ought to be accessible, not
just clever. A thought.
we were in entirely different time zones.

I don’t actually think Spain and France are in different time
zones.
so you'd better have taken notes.

“You” meaning “me.” I don’t know why I’m telling you all
this.
304 APPENDIX THREE

Mandy
If you don’t already love this name, I will love it for you.
Here we get the inversion of AM, the shortened name that
already implies the lack of love our hero’s got right now.
You also get, in the lengthened name, another Spanish
play on words: AMANda. Aman, of course, means they
love. But they meaning Amanda and me, or me and Amy?
Is aman Mandy’s tragedy or mine? Is there any difference?
Does any of this matter? Discuss.
I could tell you I love you

Mandy is clever. She’s as bright as the author, really. Her
story would be the same as AM but with different names
for her characters. I’d feel bad for her.
Translation: Mandy's my friend,

The translation is the shade of grey. The same gap
between Spanish and French exists here between English
and Spanish. Our narrator is just as guilty as anybody in
this regard. He’s just more verbose and more miserable
about it.
and she doesn't like Amy.

Would you like Amy if you were Amanda? I don’t think
Mandy really means she dislikes Amy here, but if she does
then at least she’s got good reason to.
She flushes a deep red.

Amy blushed, recall. Amanda flushes. I could never write a
gstepl 305
poem about a flush.
“Find yourselves partners!”

Ms. Teacher really tries. And she gets so close.
hoping she'll be my partner in love,

A line every bit as pathetic as its protagonist.
but Ms. Teacher already has an eye on her:

See, the teacher always gets it wrong. They try to help, but
they don’t get it. If you’re doing this as a critique on the
way teachers teach instead of taking the obvious course, it
wouldn’t hurt you to look at this line.
an eye (repeated)
Here’s something else you can look at. I glare at Mandy, I
look at Amy, Ms. Teacher keeps an eye. The only person
Amy looks at is her earring-laden lover.
I end up with Mandy.

The joy of repeated wordplay. Look at it for too long and
you’ll see spots in your eyes, I swear.
Love missed us by minutes, it would seem.

Such a minute difference. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s
gotten into me. This can be seen as yet another iteration
of our central protagonist’s attempt to turn love into a
game. Love ought to never be a game. I have nothing but
contempt for him.
306 APPENDIX THREE

between birch and bites of sub.
Birch? Why birch? Because birch is root beer. Getting
drunk on the root, which happens to be love. That’s what I
meant. You’ll never meet me in person so you’ll never be
able to slap me.
Heavy on the vinegar again.

Don’t you wish I didn’t play these games?
“Yo amo,” she replies, and sighs. “But he loves another.

Él ama.”
Note the mirrors between here and the opening
paragraph.
“I'm sorry,” I say. I am.

Look at the subtle AM. And there’s more: the “I”
conjugation of “to be” is “am.” This suggests, if you’re still
with me, that in order to be anything you must love it first.
The “I” conjugate of “to be” in Spanish becomes “soy.”
This is a meaningless correlation.
“It's probably not the end of the world,

Both figuratively and literally, by the time he says this it’s
nearly the end for real. Only a few pages to go.
You'll be speaking two totally different languages, but if

you say it enough he's bound to figure it out."
Some people truly are dense enough to need lines like this
or they won’t get it. This I know from experience.
gstepl 307
Amanda
You’ll notice the change happens right when the love
begins. Her name signifies the beginning and the end.
look at her.
This is ambiguous. You’ll never know which girl I’m talking
about.
how wonderfully grey her eyes are.

Again with the eyes. Again with “wonderfully grey.”
“Wonderfully grey” is a sort of feeling I get.
and it’s lovely.

Lovely: root, suffix. Here is the end to love.
and she's smiling, and that's enough.

See, the funny part is he’s lying. Rather, not funny at all.
We love;
We do, in some way or another. I’m sure we do. There was
something happening there.
a happy ending
Again.
stop
end
This is Spanish class, not the real world,

Another statement that happens to be completely true
308 APPENDIX THREE

and far too forgiving.
pressed against a locker,

Again: if you’ve never been with a girl against a locker in
the middle of a school day, you won’t get this. You also
won’t feel a sudden envy every time you remember this
passage.
some guy with an earring close.

If you’re a guy, and your ear is pierced, you need to stop
reading this novel immediately, and think very seriously
about your life.
“Ellos aman,” I say, “they love,”

Isn’t there something just bitterly nontragic about this?
Amanda's my partner in love today,

He can get it. He can understand everything right here,
right now, and it’s been laid out almost as clearly as if
Mandy’s had a narrator of her own, watching her rise and
fall.
amamos can't be the end.

Not with a mentality like that it can’t. Just saying.
last ending
Redundant.
vinegary truth.
See “Heavy on the vinegar,” above.
gstepl 309
My notes
Again with all this. Again again again and nobody notices,
and I’m still trying to point it all out.
She's close to me physically,

Ambiguity. Note it.
some girl writing to me from a far-away country.

Again: some people need this overdone, even if others
don’t need the repetition.
And looking at these letters,

One final jab here. You’ll notice that this can refer either to
the communication between Amanda, or the alluded-to
communication between Amy, or the story itself.
something must have been lost in translation.

This one I still think about. What did he think he lost? Did
he know it was all his fault, that at any point he could have
told Amy himself, thrown away all those letters, and kept
her against a locker with a blank page in his pocket? Could
he have thrown himself away from all these games, all
these gimmicks, and just talked to her, and seen where
that took him? Or was he thinking about some other thing,
some useless metaphor or symbol or, damn, or some
combination of letters, and letting that all motivate him
just a bit too far?
I don’t know. And I’d love to answer for him, I’d love to say
it’s my story and I know everything that was going on
310 APPENDIX THREE

when he was talking back there, but I can’t. I really don’t
know what I’d do myself.
Even if it was all fiction.
gstepl 311
APPENDIX FOUR
What is love? Amar. Conjugations: amo, amas, ama,

amamos (amamos? That can't be right), aman. If the
teacher's to be believed, that's all we get: one root, ending
optional. “All verbs end the same: you only learn the suffix
once. The root’s the part that matters.” In my experience,
though, love is nothing special without its ending. My
suffix. I love—yo amo—but she loves another. Ella ama.
The teacher's right about one thing, though: all love needs
a root. In this class, my love, two simple letters start it all.
Amy sits up and yawns: her braces are gone, I note. Amy
has no notes: she took French last year, and so kinda-sorta
knows Spanish already. This doesn’t impress Ms. Teacher.
“Miss Kimball!” she snaps; Amy snaps to attention.
“Perhaps you can tell your classmates what amar means.”
But Amy doesn't know the meaning of amar, not really.
Spanish isn't the only place she barely manages passing
grades.
“Friend?” she tries, and Ms. Teacher makes a sad sort of

clucking sound. Amy blushes. “Well, that's what it would
mean in French. Ami.” Her accent is stunning, even in
gstepl 313
defeat.
“A mi,” Ms. Teacher pronounces, “means to me in Spanish.

Close as they may seem, no two languages are quite the
same,” and she's right. In the end, they’re not even close. I
had hoped to end with amor, to love and cherish till death
did us part, so I gave her a letter and she sent something
back. Something was lost in translation, though, and when
they returned those two letters told me something I
hadn't seen: Amy was ami a mi.
The root was not the problem. I was amorous towards

Amy. Amy acted amiably back. Within five letters we were
in entirely different time zones. And that was before
foreign language stepped in: French and Spanish
may look nearly the same, but it's nearly-the-same
like ami is nearly-the-same as amar so you'd better have
taken notes.
“It's true, you know.” Mandy leans close to me. “Not just
in Spanish. I could tell you I love you and you'd think I was
talking about something else entirely.” Translation:
Mandy's my friend, and she doesn't like Amy. I glare at
her. She flushes a deep red.
“Find yourselves partners!” cries Ms. Teacher. “Pair up!

Practice love together until you both know love
blindfolded!” I look at Amy, hoping she'll be my partner in
love, but Ms. Teacher already has an eye on her: “You,
Miss Ami, still have much to learn.” I end up with Mandy.
314 APPENDIX FOUR

“Love begins in the morning, I guess.” Mandy. “'A.M.'
Right?”
“Too bad, then,” I reply. “It's 12:04.” Love missed us by

minutes, it would seem. Mandy's face falls.
We work in silence until the bell rings. We meet again at

lunch to practice conjugation, working our way straight
down the list. “Yo amo,” I start, between birch and bites of
sub. Heavy on the vinegar again. “Amas tú?”
“Yo amo,” she replies, and sighs. “But he loves another. Él

ama.”
“I'm sorry,” I say. I am. I know what it's like to love one
who doesn't love back, believe me. Amy's not the only one
struggling with love, I guess, even if she's all I ever notice.
“It's probably not the end of the world, though. Just keep
letting him know. You'll be speaking two totally different
languages, but if you say it enough he's bound to figure it
out."
Amanda hesitates for a moment, then smiles.

“You're right, I think. He'll get it. I won't give up.”
Neither will I, I think, and look at her. I forgot before today

just how wonderfully grey her eyes are. They're almost a
pure silver, and it's lovely. Next on our list is amamos, “we
love.” It's a powerful word: it doesn't need a sentence to
go with it. “Amamos,” I say, and she's smiling, and that's
gstepl 315
enough.
We love; a happy ending—but we can't stop there. This is

Spanish class, not the real world, and after we love I see
Amy pressed against a locker, holding some guy with an
earring close. “Ellos aman,” I say, “they love,” and my
heart feels torn and withered. Amanda's my partner in
love today, not Amy, and amamos can't be the end. Here,
the happy ending isn't the one that matters: only the last
ending counts. It's sad, of course, but nothing can change
that vinegary truth.
My notes would tell me the root is all that matters, but

love's taken root already. We've got love down pat, Mandy
and I—me with Amy, her with somebody somewhere—but
we move from joy to sorrow nonetheless. She's close to
me physically, but somehow I feel she's a pen pal, some
girl writing to me from a far-away country. And looking at
these letters, over and over again, I can't help but feel that
something must have been lost in translation.
316 APPENDIX FOUR

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In the room the women come and go

Perhaps my best years are gone. When there

We’re no strangers to love:

This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-

Cover design by Rory Marinich.

Printed in the United States of America.

First Printing: May 2008

Things aren't so good right now, so I'm going to keep this

Genre fiction (literary)

Theme (primary) young romance, concentrations in

Theme (secondary) nature of fiction

Motifs bells ringing

This is an odd sort of book, I know. Here’s how it works.

Death shows up here every so often. I’ll try to skirt around

The content of this book may be considered impolite by

There are four appendices that are completely unrelated

Literary devices mean things like wordplay, which basically

If you think that any one of these characters is in fact

this class, my love

fourth wall down

We’ll talk later, Bea says. She brushes against me as she

You might not ever have heard of Adlai Stevenson.

12 THIS CLASS, MY LOVE

We learned that Joe McCarthy, after his glory days, was

We learned that Franklin Delano Roosevelt was accused of

We learned that there are two sides to every story.

This year, History is teaching us that William Jefferson

We talk a lot more in History class this year.

Sue me, I say. I don’t feel like looking at her.

I nod. Suddenly I remember why I felt so gloomy this

I shrug. I don’t go out much.

That’s not healthy.

I shrug. I’m just not a fun guy.

I know, I say, but it’s hard to say it.

14 THIS CLASS, MY LOVE

Where were you during all this?

I shrug. I feel miserable. Around.

You talk to me.

I like talking to you. We talk a lot, don’t we?

We talk once a day, and we usually whisper. Bea stops for

I can’t say it all to you, though.

You’re not the sort of person I can tell.

I sigh. I love you, Bea. I really do.

I know, Bea says. What is it you don’t want to say?

Anything you want to tell me?

Fine. Bea sighs. We’ll talk about unrequited love some

I think you need to start partygoing. Loosen up. The way

Do you really think that?

16 THIS CLASS, MY LOVE

I hope you’re right, I say.

I’m just not a fun guy.

I shrug uncomfortably. I heard stories.

That’s what I heard.

I don’t plan on saying anything like that to my brother. I

Some day, I say. I’m just not a party person.

She looks at me strangely, and leaves.

If you’re going to find anything worthwhile in it you’ve got

Leaving History I just miss Abby, walking the other way.

18 THIS CLASS, MY LOVE

It’s not at my house, is it? I try to say this casually.

That’s two weeks from now.

You could always do something, she says, and shrugs.