4

Librarian Jokes, Riddles,

and Other Humor
Every profession has its jokes and riddles. Librarianship is no exception. For
a good laugh, this chapter starts off w i t h librarian jokes and riddles, then continues on to bumper stickers for librarians, and then pickup lines used to pick up librarians, and lines used by librarians. ( I can't guarantee that some o f them w o n t earn
you a slap on the face!) A n d to round out this chapter are humorous sketches and
stories about librarians.

Riddles and Jokes

Where do librarians always slip and fali i n the library?
ANSWER: I n the nonfriction section.
Where does a librarian sleep?
ANSWER: Between the covers.
W h a t do librarians use as bait when they go fishing?
ANSWER: A bookworm.
W h a t does a librarian eat from?
ANSWER: A bookplate.
What do librarians use to catalog melted marshmallows?
ANSWER: The Gooey Decimal System.
W h y do single librarians travei to Prague?
ANSWER: I n hopes o f being Czech'd out.
W h a t do you get when you cross a librarian w i t h a mobster?
ANSWER: Organized crime.

37

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n

W h y was the librarian i n jail?

ANSWER: She was booked.
What do you get when you cross a librarian w i t h a card dealer?
ANSWER: A card catalog.
What do you get when you cross a librarian w i t h a stripper?
ANSWER: Just the bare facts.
W h a t do you get when you cross a librarian w i t h a policeman?
ANSWER: A law librarian who throws you i n jail i f your book is overdue.
H o w many librarians does i t take to change a light bulb?
ANSWER: Three. One to see i f theres a book i n the library on how to change a
light bulb, one to check the book out, and one to find the information i n the book.
W h y do librarians work i n the tallest buildings?
ANSWER: Because libraries always have the most stories.
A t 10:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning at the Discount Ladies Shop a middle-aged
homeless woman robbed the store for an undisclosed amount o f money. A t 11:23
Detective Booker brought M s . Smith, the town librarian into the police station for
questioning.
" W h y are you interrogating the librarian?" asked the puzzled police chief.
"She matches the suspect's description to a tee," replied the detective. " M i d d l e aged, frumpy shoes, and w o r n , out-of-style loose clothing."
A woman goes into the library and walks up to the librarian.
"Can I help you?" asks the librarian.
"Fm trying to find my accountant."
"What's his name?"
" M r . Newman."
The librarian pages M r . Newman to come to the Information Desk.
Ten minutes later the librarian says to the blonde, T m sorry, but he hasnt
come to the desk so he must not be here."
"But he has to be here," replied the woman.
" W h y do you t h i n k he's here right now?" queried the librarian.
"Because he said he was working on the books and isn't this where ali the books
are?

Phrases Often Appearing on Librarians'

Librarians are novel lovers.
Librarian. Check Me O u t .
Librarians do i t by the book.

Bumper

Stickers

Librarians do i t between the covers.

Librarians do i t on the shelf.
Librarians do i t quietly.
38

4. Librarian

Jokes, Riddles,

W but i n m i n t condition. Previously

owned by a librarian.
ms. Overdue Librarian.

Pickup Lines

Used on

and Other

Humor

Happy Booker.
I Brake for Books.

Librarians

Youre a librarian? I need to visit the library more often.

Fm a bookworm. Can I get between your covers?
K n o w i n g youre the librarian just increased my circulation.
M i n d i f I check you out?
W o u l d you like to check me out?
Can I have your phone number so you can check me out later?
Come to m y room and check me out so I can get checked i n to you.
Meeting you made me realize I was long overdue!
Have you heard the one about the librarian w i t h more stacks than she could
handle?
Youre stacked better than the public library.
I couldnt help noticing what a great book bag you have.
You have the tightest bun i n the place.
M i n d i f I work w i t h your stacks?
I'd like to use m y "Dewey" on you.
Want to come back to m y room and play cataloger? I brought m y o w n Dewey.
Let's get Dewey.
I reshelve my own books and I bet I can find a place to fit you i n .
Let's play shelf reading, you be the shelf and 1*11 j u m p i n .
Care to slip between the covers w i t h me?
Let's play closing time at the library. Stand by the door and 1*11 slam you!
As a public librarian arent you supposed to let me in?
So is i t true academic librarians only let scholars in?
Are you a librarian who believes i n open access to your stacks?
So whens the last time you were "on the desk"?
What's your call number?
I'd love to be a page i n your section.
I like your shelves. Can I get a closer look?
You can classify me i n your fantasy collection.
W h e n I ' m through, you'11 need to get your bun tightened.
Are you on interlibrary loan? Because, baby, youre outta this library!
Fll deliver positive results to the right question.

39

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n

Pickup Lines

Used by

Librarians

Fm a librarian and we're novel lovers.

D i d you k n o w librarians do i t by the book?
Fm a librarian, so I do i t quietly.
Fd catalog you under "sex tools."
I'd sure like to get you under a plastic cover!
What's your Cutter number baby?
Fm out o f bibliographic control. So I need authority control.
You w o n t be disappointed. IVe got great authority control!
I'm a librarian. I believe i n open access ro my stacks.
Care to do a little shelf reading?
As a librarian, IVe got experience working w i t h women.
N o t h i n g gets filtered i n my library.
I drive the bookmobile so I always deliver.
I do both checkouts and returns.
Many o f these lines appeared on the LISNews Librarian Pick U p Lines posting o f September 30, 2005. Used by permission o f Blake Carver.

Other

Humor

The following appeared i n Library Journal, v. 9, no. 5, May 1884, p. 88.

T h e l i b r a r y i n F. has i n its e m p l o y several boys a n d a n u m b e r o f y o u n g Iadies, o c c u p i e d at
the registering desks a n d i n the repair r o o m .
B o r r o w e r t o one o f the b o y s - " H a v e y o u Ten Old

MaidsV

B o y ( l o o k i n g t o w a r d the y o u n g ladies) " D o n t k n o w ! Some o f t h e m are u p - s t a i r s . "

A n o t h e r b o r r o w e r p u t his q u e s t i o n m o r e l a c o n i c a l l y : "Hoosier

SchoolmasterV

Same boy. " D i d n t have any. M y teacher was a w o m a n . "

T h a t b o y soon after g r a d u a t e d i n t o the grocery business.
-J.E.

Ten Commandments for Library Patrons

The following commandments appeared i n Library Jokes andJottings by Henry
T. Coutts, H . W . Wilson Company, 1914.
T E N C O M M A N D M E N T S F O R BORROWERS O F B O O K S
Who goeth a-borrowing

goeth

a-sorrowing

1. T h o u shalt n o t b u y w h a t t h o u canst b o r r o w .
2. T h o u shalt take care o f t h i n e o w n b o o k s , f o r t h y babies a n d t h y p u p p i e s w i l l

find

as

m u c h d e l i g h t i n b o r r o w e d b o o k s as p l a y t h i n g s .
3. T h o u shalt n o t c u t the leaves o f a b o o k w i t h a b u t t e r - k n i f e , n o r decorate the m a r g i n s
w i t h j a m i n i m i t a t i o n o f the o l d i l l u m i n a t e d m a n u s c r i p t s .
40

4. Librarian

Jokes, Riddles,

and Other

Humor

4. R e m e m b e r t h a t the most artistic f o r n i o f a p p r e c i a t i o n is t o repair the t o r n leaves o f a

b o o k w i t h postage s t a m p e d g i n g , a n d t o arrange the red a n d green lines alternately.
5. H o n o u r the o p i n i o n s o f an a u t h o r as expressed i n his b o o k , b u t shouldst t h o u disagree
w i t h his views, p e n c i l t h i n e o w n notes i n the m a r g i n s . B y so d o i n g t h o u w i l t n o t o n l y
give evidence o f t h y vast l e a r n i n g , b u t w i l l irritate subsequent readers w h o w i l l , u n m i n d f u l o f t h y superior k n o w l e d g e , regard thee as a conceited ass.
6. T h o u shalt choose t h y books f r o m amongst those most w o r n . Shouldst t h o u be dissatisfied w i t h t h e i r contents t h o u w i l t have the pleasure o f k n o w i n g t h a t m a n y o f t h y
neighbours have been " h a d " l i k e w i s e .
7. T h o u shalt consult the l i b r a r i a n w h e n t h o u k n o w e s t n o t w h a t t h o u requirest. S h o u l d
he be unable t o assist thee, substitute " i n " f o r " c o n . "
8. T h o u shalt n o t p a y fines o n p r i n c i p i e ( c u r r e n t cash is m u c h t o be preferred).
9. T h o u shalt n o t bear false witness against the l i b r a r y assistant, saying: " H e t a k e t h the
best b o o k s a n d reserveth t h e m for his f r i e n d s . "
10. T h o u shalt n o t covet the b o o k s t h a t t h y n e i g h b o u r h a t h appreciated.

Don't Harm Those Library Books!

Have you ever made pencil or pen marks i n a library book? O r have you dogeared the pages? I f so, beware, and continue reading. You may be the subject o f a
librarian s dream. After reading librarian and author Edmund Lester Pearson s story
"Their Just Reward," you may t h i n k twice before defacing a library book. The story
is from The Librarian at Play, originally published i n Boston i n 1911 by Small, M a y nard and Company.
" T h e i r Just R e w a r d "
by E d m u n d Lester Pearson
I l o o k e d a n d beheld, a n d there were a vast n u m b e r o f girls s t a n d i n g i n rows. M a n y o f t h e m
w o r e pigtails, a n d most o f t h e m chewed g u m .
" W h o are they?" I asked m y g u i d e .
A n d he said: " T h e y are the girls w h o w r o t e ' L o v e l y ' or 'Perfectly sweet' o r ' H o r r i d o l d
t h i n g ! ' o n the fly-leaves o f l i b r a r y b o o k s . Some o f t h e m used t o p u t c o m m e n t s o n the m a r gins o f the pages s u c h as 'Served h i m r i g h t ! ' or 'There! Y o u m e a n o l d cat!'"
" W h a t w i l l happen t o t h e m ? " I i n q u i r e d .
" T h e y are t o stand u p t o the neck i n a lake o f ice cream soda f o r t e n years," he answered.
" T h a t w i l l n o t be m u c h o f a p u n i s h m e n t t o t h e m , " I suggested.
B u t he t o l d m e t h a t I h a d never t r i e d i t , a n d I c o u l d n o t d i s p u t e h i m .
" T h e ones over t h e r e , " he r e m a r k e d , p o i n t i n g t o a d e t a c h m e n t o f the girls w h o were c h e w i n g g u m m o r e v i g o r o u s l y t h a n the others, "are sentenced f o r fifteen years i n the ice cream soda
lake, a n d moreover t h e y w i l l have h o t molasses c a n d y d r o p p e d o n t h e m at intervals. T h e y are
the ones w h o w r o t e :
I f m y n a m e y o u w i s h t o see
L o o k o n page 9 3 ,
a n d t h e n w h e n y o u h a d t u r n e d t o page 9 3 , c u r s i n g y o u r s e l f f o r a f o o l as y o u d i d i t , y o u o n l y
found:
I f m y n a m e y o u w o u l d discover
L o o k u p o n the inside cover,
and so o n , a n d so o n , u n t i l y o u were ready t o d r o p f r o m weariness a n d exasperation.
41

Hang

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n
m e ! " H e s u d d e n l y e x p l o d e d , " i f I h a d t h e say o f i t , I ' d b u r y e m alive i n c o c o n u t taflfy I t o l d
the Boss so, m y s e l f . "
I agreed w i t h h i m t h a t t h e y were g e t t i n g ofF easy.
" A l o t o f t h e m are n a m e d G e r t y , t o o , " he added, as t h o u g h t h a t matters worse.
T h e n he showed m e a great c r o w d o f o l d e r people. T h e y were m o s t l y m e n , t h o u g h there
were one or t w o w o m e n here a n d there.
"These are the annotators," he said, "the people w h o w o r k ofF their i d i o t i c opinions o n the
margins a n d fly-leaves o f books. T h e y dispute the a u t h o r s statements, call h i m a liar a n d abuse
h i m generally. T h e one o n the end used t o get ali the biographies o f Shakespeare he c o u l d find
and cover every b i t o f b l a n k paper i n t h e m w i t h p e n c i l - w r i t i n g signed " A Baconian." H e usually
began w i t h the statement: " T h e author o f this b o o k is a pig-headed f o o l . " T h e y caught h i m a n d
put h i m i n j a i l for six m o n t h s , b u t he w i l l have t o take his medicine here just the same. T h e r e
are t w o religious cranks standing just b e h i n d h i m . A t least, they were cranks about religion. O n e
o f t h e m was an atheist a n d he used t o w r i t e blasphemy ali over religious books. T h e other suffered
f r o m too m u c h religion. H e w o u l d j o t d o w n texts and pious mottoes i n every b o o k he got h o l d
of. H e w o u l d cross o u t , or scratch o u t ali the oaths a n d cuss words i n a b o o k ; d r a w a p e n c i l l i n e
t h r o u g h any reference t o w i n e , o r strong d r i n k , a n d call special attention t o any passage or phrase
he t h o u g h t i m p r o p e r b y scrawling over i t . H e is t i e d t o the atheist, y o u n o t i c e . T h e w o m a n i n
the second r o w used to w r i t e " H o w t r u e ! " after any passage or sentence that pleased her. She gets
o n l y six years. M o s t o f the others w i l l have t o keep i t u p for eight.
" K e e p w h a t up?" I asked.
" C l i m b i n g b a r b e d - w i r e fences," was the answer; " t h e y d o n t have t o h u r r y , b u t they m u s t
keep m o v i n g . T h e y b e g i n t o m o r r o w at half-past seven."
W e w a l k e d d o w n the h i l l t o w a r d a g r o u p o f i n f a m o u s l o o k i n g people. M y guide stopped
and p o i n t e d t o w a r d t h e m .
"These are snippers, cutters, clippers, gougers and extra-illustrators. T h e y vary ali the w a y f r o m
men

w h o cut w a n t ads o u t o f the newspapers i n the reading-rooms, to those w h o go i n t o the

alcoves a n d l i f t valuable plates b y the set-string m e t h o d . Y o u see they come f r o m ali classes o f
s o c i e t y a n d there are m e n and w o m e n , girls and boys. You notice they are ali a little r o u n d shouldered, a n d they keep glancing suspiciously r i g h t and left. T h i s is because they got i n t o the
habit o f s i n k i n g d o w n i n their chairs t o get b e h i n d a newspaper, a n d w a t c h i n g t o see i f anyone
was l o o k i n g . T h e r e is one m a n w h o was interested i n heraldry. H e extended his operations over
five or six libraries, p u b l i c and private. W h e n they f o u n d h i m o u t a n d visited his r o o m i t l o o k e d
like the College o f Heralds. H e h a d a couple o f years i n p r i s o n , b u t here he is now, just the same.
T h e m a n next t o h i m is w e l l , no need t o m e n t i o n names, y o u recognize h i m . Famous m i l lionaire a n d p o l i t i c i a n . Never w e n t i n t o a l i b r a r y b u t once i n his life. T h e n he went t o see an a r t i cle i n a L o n d o n newspaper, decided he w a n t e d t o keep i t , and tore o u t h a l f the page. L i b r a r y
attendant saw h i m , called a p o l i c e m a n , and t r i e d to have h i m arrested. You see, the attendanr
d i d n t k n o w w h o he was."
" D i d a n y t h i n g come o f i t ? " I asked.
"Yes," r e p l i e d rhe g u i d e , "there d i d . T h e l i b r a r y a r r e n d a m was discharged. B l a n k s i m p l y
t o l d t h e B o a r d o f Trustees t h a t he h a d been i n s u l t e d b y a w h i p p e r s n a p p e r w h o d i d n t l o o k as
i f he h a d ever h a d a square m e a i i n his l i f e . O n e or t w o o f t h e b o a r d w a n t e d t o investigate,
but the m a j o r i t y w o u l d have j u m p e d t h r o u g h hoops i f B l a n k h a d t o l d t h e m t o . H e is i n t h i s
section f o r five years, b u t he has over eight h u n d r e d t o w o r k ofF i n o t h e r d e p a r t m e n t s . T h e
men

o n t h e e n d o f t h e l i n e , five or six dozen o f t h e m , used t o c u t plates o u t o f the art m a g -

azines, a c o m m o n h a b i t . W o m a n s t a n d i n g n e x t , used t o steal sermons. M a n next b u t one t o

her was a m i n i s t e r . H e was w r i t i n g a b o o k o n t h e H o l y L a n d , a n d he c u t maps o u t o f every
atlas i n a l i b r a r y . Said he d i d n t m e a n t o keep t h e m l o n g . "

42

4. Librarian

jokes,

Riddles,

and Other

Humor

T h i s g r o u p interested m e , a n d I w o n d e r e d w h a t was t o be d o n e w i t h t h e m .
"You w i l l see i n a m i n u t e , " said the g u i d e ; " t h e y are g o i n g t o b e g i n w o t k r i g h t away."
As he spoke, a n u m b e r o f ofncials carne d o w n the h i l l w i t h e n o r m o u s sheets o f sticky flypaper. These were d i s t r i b u t e d a m o n g the "snippers, cutters, c l i p p e r s , gougers a n d e x t r a illustrators," w h o t h e r e - u p o n set t o w o r k w i t h penknives, c u t t i n g small bits o u t o f the

fly-paper.

I n a f e w m i n u t e s the w r e t c h e d creatures were covered f r o m head t o f o o t w i t h pieces o f the

h o r r i b l e stuff; p u l l i n g i t o f f one h a n d t o have i t s t i c k o n the o t h e r , g e t t i n g i t i n t h e i r h a i r , o n
rheir eyebrows, a n d plastering themselves completely.
" T h a t is n o t very p a i n f u l , " I observed.
"No,"

said m y c o m p a n i o n , "perhaps n o r . Gets somewhat m o n o t o n o u s after f o u r years, t h o u g h .

C o m e over t o the end o f this valley. I w a n t y o u t o see a dinner p a r t y that is t a k i n g place."

W e left the sticky fly-paper f o l k s b e h i n d us, a n d proceeded t h r o u g h the valley. O n the side
o f the h i l l I n o t i c e d a small b o d y o f people, m o s t l y m e n .
T h e g u i d e p o i n t e d over his shoulder ar t h e m , r e m a r k i n g : " R e f o r m e d Spellers."
T h e y were b u s i l y engaged i n c l i p p i n g one another's ears o f f w i t h large scissors. T h e r e was
a sign o n the h i l l beside t h e m . I t read: Ears are unnecessary. W h y n o t get r i d o f them? Leave
e n u f t o hear w i t h . D o n ' t stop t i l y o u are t h r u .
A t the e n d o f the valley there was a large levei space. S o m e t h i n g l i k e a p i c n i c was g o i n g o n .
People were eating at h u n d r e d s o f l i t t l e tables, a n d some were d a n c i n g , or s t r o l l i n g a b o u t o n
the grass. T h e guide s t o p p e d .
" T h e Boss is p r o u d e r o f this t h a n o f a n y t h i n g else i n the w h o l e place," he said. " T h e p e o ple w h o are g i v i n g t h i s p a r t y are the genealogists. N e a r l y ali w o m e n , y o u n o t i c e . These are
the f o l k s w h o have d r i v e n librarians t o p r o f a n i t y a n d gray hairs. Some o f t h e m w a n t e d ancestors f o r p u b l i c a n d social reasons; some o f t h e m f o r h i s t o r i c a l or financial purposes; some merely
to g r a t i f y personal p r i d e or p r i v a t e c u r i o s i t y . B u t t h e y ali w a n t e d ancestors for one reason or
another, a n d ancestors t h e y would have. For years they charged i n t o libraries d e m a n d i n g ancestors. O v e r there, y o u see t h a t b i g crowd? T h e y are the t w o h u n d r e d a n d fifty t h o u s a n d l i n e a l
descendants o f W i l l i a m Brewster. N e x t t o t h e m are six t h o u s a n d r i g h t f u l Lords B a l t i m o r e .
T h a t vast m o b b e g i n n i n g at the b i g rree, a n d e x t e n d i n g f o r six miles t o the northeast are the
J o h n S m i t h a n d Pocahontas c r o w d some descended f r o m one a n d some f r o m the other
we h a v e n t got t h e m sorted o u t y e t . "
"How

m a n y o f t h e m are there?" I d e m a n d e d .

" A c c o r d i n g t o o u r best estimates," he replied, " i n the n e i g h b o r h o o d o f eight m i l l i o n at prese n t ; b u t o f course we are receiving fresh a d d i r i o n s ali the t i m e . T h i r r y - f i v e h u n d r e d carne i n
last m o n t h . T h e r e is n o t i m e t o c o u n t t h e m , h o w e v e r . "
I l a u g h e d at t h i s .
" T i m e ! " I exclaimed, " w h y , y o u V e g o t e t e r n i t y ! "
B u t he m e r e l y w a v e d his h a n d a n d w e n t o n .
" T h e y are the largest c r o w d here, anyway, w i t h the possible exception o f the M a y f l o w e r
descendants. T h e y have a w h o l e valley t o themselves, b e y o n d the second h i l l . Some say there
are twelve m i l l i o n o f t h e m , b u t n o one k n o w s . Recently t h e y a p p l i e d for another valley, for
theirs is f u l l . Y o u see i t is so t h i c k l y p l a n t e d w i t h f a m i l y trees t h a t they have t o live i n deep
shade a l i the t i m e , a n d i t is v e r y d a m p a n d c h i l l y . T h e n there are upwards o f three h u n d r e d
t h o u s a n d tons o f grandfather's clocks, brass w a r m i n g - p a n s , cradles, chairs a n d tables, so t h e y
h a r d l y can find s t a n d i n g r o o m . "
W e w a l k e d d o w n amongst the people w h o were g i v i n g a p i c n i c . I w a n t e d t o see w h a t was
the object o f this l a w n party, f o r i t s t r u c k m e t h a t i t l o o k e d m o r e l i k e the Elysian Fields t h a n
any other place.
I soon discovered m y mistake. Near the first g r o u p o f tables was a sign w i t h the i n s c r i p 43

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n
t i o n : " G r a n d D a m e s o f the Pequot W a r , " a n d at one o f the tables sat M r s . C o r n e l i a C r u m per. I r e m e m b e r e d the h o u r s I spent h u n t i n g u p t w o ancestors t o enable M r s . C r u m p e t t o
j o i n t h e G r a n d D a m e s . I h a d f o u n d t h e m at lasr, a n d so, apparenrly, h a d M r s . C r u m p e t , for
there c o u l d be n o d o u b t t h a t the pair o f s o r r y - l o o k i n g rascais w h o m she was e n t e r r a i n i n g at
l u n c h e o n were the l o n g - l o s t ancestors. O n e o f t h e m was the m o s t c o m p l e t e l y soiled i n d i v i d ual I have ever seen. H e was eating s o m e t h i n g or o t h e r , a n d he d i d n o t waste t i m e w i t h forks
or any orher i m p l e m e n t s . T h e o t h e r h a d finished his meai, a n d was l e a n i n g n e g l i g e n t l y b a c k
i n his chair. H e was s m o k i n g a large p i p e , a n d he h a d his feet o n the table.
M r s . C r u m p e t w o r e an expression t h a t showed t h a t her past desire t o discover these ancestors was as a passing w h i m , c o m p a r e d w i t h her present deep, o v e r p o w e r i n g a n x i e t y t o be r i d
o f t h e m . I felt sorry f o r the p o o r l a d y ; b u t she was n o t alone i n her misery. A l i a b o u t her were
G r a n d D a m e s o f the Pequot W a r , engaged i n e n t e r r a i n i n g t h e i r ancestors. Some o f the ancestors were m o r e agreeable, some far m o r e distasteful t o t h e i r descendants t h a n M r s . C r u m p e t ' s
pair. N o n e o f the G r a n d D a m e s seemed t o be h a v i n g w h a t c o u l d be called a j o l l y t i m e .
M y g u i d e at last l e d m e t h r o u g h the maze o f tables a n d o u t i n t o the o p e n .
" W e have a g o o d m a n y Japanese visitors i n this section," said h e . " T h e y come t o get some
p o i n t s f r o m the A m e r i c a n s o n a n c e s t o r - w o r s h i p . "
" W h a t d o t h e y say?" I asked h i m .
" T h e y j u s t giggle a n d go away," he r e p l i e d .
B e y o n d the genealogists we f o u n d a large g r o u p o f people, w h o , the g u i d e said, were the
persons w h o b o r r o w b o o k s a n d never r e t u r n t h e m . T h e c o m p l a i n a n t s , i n t h e i r case, were
m a i n l y p r i v a t e i n d i v i d u a i s rather r h a n p u b l i c libraries.
" T h e y are n o t p a r r i c u l a r l y i n t e r e s t i n g , " r e m a r k e d the g u i d e , " b u t t h e i r p u n i s h m e n t w i l l
appeal t o y o u . "
As w e passed t h e m I shuddered t o see t h a t t h e y were ali engaged i n filing catalogue cards
i n alphabetical order.
" H o w l o n g do they have t o keep t h a t up?" was m y q u e s t i o n , a n d I was h o r r i f i e d to learn
that the terms v a r i e d f r o m r w e n t y t o t h i r r y - f i v e years.
" W h y , t h a t is the m o s t d a m n a b l e t h i n g I ever heard," I said " t h e s t i c k y

fly-paper

folks

were n o r h i n g t o t h i s ! "
T h e g u i d e shrugged his s h o u l d e r s " I t ' s rhe r u l e , " he said.
T h e next l o t o f people we carne o n were curiously engaged. L o n g lines o f bookshelves were set
up about t h e m , a n d they wandered u p a n d d o w n , forever t a k i n g a b o o k f r o m the shelf, o n l y t o
sigh a n d p u t i t back again. As we carne amongst t h e m I c o u l d see the cause o f their weariness.
T h e shelves seemed t o be l i n e d w i t h the most b r i l l i a n t l o o k i n g books i n handsome b i n d i n g s . T h e y
were lettered i n g o l d : " C o m p l e t e W o r k s o f Charles D i c k e n s , " " W o r k s o f D u m a s , E d i t i o n de
L u x e , " " W o r k s o f Scott," and so o n . Yet w h e n I t o o k one o f the books i n m y h a n d t o l o o k at i t ,
i t was n o b o o k at a l i , b u t just a w o o d e n d u m m y , painted o n the back, b u t absolutely blank everywhere else. T h e y were like the things used b y f u r n i r u r e dealers ro p u t i n a bookcase to make i t
l o o k as i f i t were f u l l o f books, or rhose used o n the stage, w h e n a l i b r a r y setting is required. There
were m a n y cords o f w o o d , b u t there was n o t a real b o o k i n any o f the cases.
I asked one o f the suferers w h y he was d o i n g this, a n d he stopped for a m o m e n t his p a t r o n ,
and t u r n e d his w e a r y eyes u p o n m e .
" W e are ali a l i k e , " he said, i n d i c a t i n g his associates. " W e are rhe l i t e r a r y bluffers. M o s r o f
us were r i c h I was, myself," a n d he groaned heavily. " W e b o u g h t b o o k s b y the y a r d expensive ones, always e d i t i o n s deluxe, l i m i t e d e d i t i o n s l i m i t e d t o t h e n t h o u s a n d sets a n d each
set n u m b e r e d , o f w h i c h this is N o . 9 4 , " he a d d e d i n a d u l l , m e c h a n i c a l fashion, as t h o u g h he
were repeating a lesson. " W e were easy m a r k s f o r ali rhe dealers a n d agents. Especially i l l u s trared e d i t i o n s , w i t h extra copies o f the engravings i n a p o r r f o l i o ; b i n d i n g s i n w h i t e k i d , or
44

4. Librarian

Jokes, Riddles,

and Other

Humor

any o t h e r t o m f o o l nonsense was w h a r w e were always l o o k i n g f o r . A n d t h e y saw t h a t w e got

t h e m . W h i s p e r e d i n f o r m a t i o n t h a t t h i s set o f Paul de K o c k o r B a k a c was c o m p l e t e a n d u n s x p u r g a t e d , a n d t h a t i f w e w o u l d b u y i t for $125, rhe publishers w o u l d t h r o w i n an extra v o l u m e , p r i v a t e l y p r i n t e d , a n d g i v e n away t o purchasers, since i t was against t h e l a w t o sell
i t t h i s was t h e sort o f b a i t w e always b i t at cheerily! A n d n o w here w e are!"
A n d he began again his t r a m p u p a n d d o w n , t a k i n g d o w n t h e w o o d e n d u m m i e s a n d p u t t i n g t h e m back again, w i t h d o l o r o u s groans.
I c o u l d n o r stand this d i s m a l spectacle v e r y l o n g , w e so h u r r i e d o n t o a c r o w d o f m e n b e n t
nearly d o u b l e over desks. T h e y were pale a n d emaciated, w h i c h m y guide t o l d m e was due
t o t h e fact t h a t they h a d n o t h i n g t o eat b u t paper.
" T h e y are bibliomaniacs," he exclaimed, "collectors o f unopened copies, seekers after misprinrs,
measurers b y rhe m i l l i m e r r e o f the height o f books. T h e y are k e p t busy here reading the Seaside
novis i n paper covers. N e x t to t h e m are the bibliographers compilers o f lists a n d counters o f
fly leaves. T h e y cared more for a lisr o f books t h e n for books themselves, a n d they searched o u t
u n i m p o r t a n t errors i n books a n d rejoiced m i g h t i l y w h e n they f o u n d one. Exactitude was their
god, so here w e let t h e m split hairs w i t h a razor a n d dissect the legs o f fleas."
I n a large r r o o p o f school c h i l d r e n a few h u n d r e d yards b e y o n d , I carne across a b o y a b o u t
fifreen

years o l d . I seemed t o k n o w h i m . W h e n he came nearer he p r o v e d t o have t w o b o o k s

t i e d a r o u n d rhis n e c k . T h e sickly, y e l l o w i s h - b r o w n covers o f r h e m were d i s g u s r i n g l y f a m i l i a r

to m e s o m e b o d y s g e o m e t f y a n d s o m e b o d y elses l g e b r a . T h e b o y was b l u b b e r i n g w h e n he
got u p r o m e , a n d rhe sight o f h i m w i t h those n o x i o u s b o o k s a r o u n d his neck m a d e m e sob
a l o u d . I was s t i l l c r y i n g w h e n I a w o k e .

Perverted Proverbs, by Henry Coutts

These first appeared i n 1914 i n Library

Jokes and Jottings

( H . W . W i l s o n , 1914).

A b o o k i n the h a n d is w o r t h r w o o n t h e shelf.
I t is an i l l b o o k t h a t does n o b o d y any g o o d .
Select b o o k s i n haste a n d repenr at y o u r leisure.
Be slow i n c h o o s i n g a b o o k a n d slower i n r e a d i n g i t .
A b o o k s h o u l d n o t be j u d g e d b y its b i n d i n g .
T w o b o o k s are berter t h a n o n e .
R e t u r n e d i n t i m e saves " f i n e . "
Fine b o o k s make " f i n e d " b o r r o w e r s .
A l i b r a r y b o o k is berter o u t t h a n i n .
I t is easier t o criticise a b o o k t h a n t o w r i r e o n e .
Better i l l - f e d r h a n i l l - r e a d .
I t is a p o o r b o o k t h a t is n o t w o r r h rhe candle.
M a n y hands make d i r r y b o o k s .
Spare the p u p p y a n d s p o i l t h e b o o k .
N e v e r b u y t o - m o r r o w rhe b o o k y o u can b o r r o w roday.
T h e reader proposes, the l i b r a r y disposes.
It's a l o n g tale t h a t has n o e n d i n g .

Librarians Correspondence
Over the years some things never really change. The sentiments i n the following letters, which initially appeared i n Henry Coutts' 1914 Library Jokes and Jottings, could easily have been written today.
45

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n

their communities have recognized their abilities. I applaud these librarians who
decided to have greater impact upon society by moving from librarian to mayor.
JEROME CONLEY

A graduate o f Indiana Universitys School of Library and Information Science,

M r . Conley received his M L S i n 1990. He is currently the head o f special libraries
at M i a m i University o f O h i o and he is also the mayor o f Oxford, O h i o . He was
first elected to office i n 2003, holding the distinction o f being the first black mayor
of Oxford, and he was re-elected i n 2005. Prior to becoming mayor, he served on
the city council.
SAMUEL A . GREEN

Born i n 1830 i n Massachusetts, M r . Green studied medicine at Harvard. After

serving as a doctor i n the military, he served as mayor o f Boston i n 1882. Later, he
served as the librarian for the Massachusetts Historical Society. He died i n 1878.
Given the salaries o f physicians i n comparison to librarians, we know he served as
a librarian out o f love for the job, not the money!
PATRCIA M A C D O N A L D K U R A N

Born i n 1928 i n New Jersey, M s . Kuran was educated at Rutgers University i n

the early sixties. She later worked as a teacher and librarian i n the Plainfield school
system before embarking into politics. I n 1978 she was elected councilwoman i n
the Borough o f Fanwood, New Jersey, serving i n that post u n t i l 1982. She made
local history i n 1984 when she was elected the first woman mayor o f Fanwood, serving i n the office for two terms. M s . Kuran is deceased.

City Treasurer/Secretary
GERALDINE R. D A V I D

Born i n 1938, M s . D a v i d previously held positions as librarian assistant at

Elaine Jnior H i g h School and Lake View Elementary and as treasurer o f the C i t y
of Lake View, Arkansas.

Librarians

in Pornography

Books and Film

It's hard to say i f it's because librarians are known for being moral, intelligent
individuais, or i f it's because they're thought of as being p r i m and proper, but librarians often appear as characters i n pornographic books and films. Two fairly extensive lists o f librarians i n pornography can be found online. One is "The Image o f
Librarians i n Pornography," by D a n Lester, which lists 49 books published between
68

5.

Librarians

in Politics,

Porn, Movies,

and

Books

1978 and 1988 (www.riverofdata.com/librarian/porn). Another is "Sex i n the Stacks"

by Candi Strecker (www.chiprow.com/articles/library.hrml).
To give you a sample o f what's available, following are two books i n this g e n r e
featuring librarians.
T H E LIBRARIAN'S N A U G H T Y H A B I T

(By Heather Brown, Olympia Press Books, 2006.) O n the back cover of the book,
which sports a plain pink front cover, i t states "Only the second installment from Greenleaf's legendary series of librarian porn, published when the ex-Rogues faced prison i n
Michigan." Yes, you read this right. This is book two of a series of librarian porn.
Starting w i t h the first sentence i n this book there's no doubt it's pornography. The
book focuses on Samantha, a young librarian who works at the library's circulation
desk. (In real life few, i f any, librarians are assigned to working the circulation desk.)
One day her boss asks her to review The Joy ofLust for possible addition to the
library's sex manual collection. From here on you can use your imagination as to
the direction the story takes. O r , as a sentence from the back cover reads, "The
Librarians Naughty Habit is easily the first account o f sex and the circulation desk,
that we at the Olympia Press can legally do." Dort expect to find a whole lot o f
realism about librarians or libraries i n this book.
JANET, LIBRARIAN

(By Raphael Mello, Blue M o o n Books, 2000.) This book focuses on a librarian named Janet Westwood. Janet is lured into a desert cabin by four individuais
where she finds carnal knowledge and, o f course, sex. Because most o f rhe action
takes place not i n the library, but i n a cabin, the focus is less on libraries and librarians and more on Janet's adventures i n the cabin. A n d this is about as much as Fm
w i l l i n g to write about the contents o f this book.
Librarian characters are no stranger to pornographic film. The concept o f the
inhibited female spinster librarian being sexually released seems to be a common
theme i n many o f the movies. A n d since the pornographic film industry is such a
huge industry, there's no shortage o f adult films w i t h librarian characters i n them.
Pornographic films w i t h librarian characters can be found by using a variety
of film guides both i n print and online. Performing a web search w i t h words such
as " X X X film guide" provides a number o f search results and links to sites where
adult films can be searched for librarian characters.
O N THE WEB

Yes, soft librarian porn sites can also be found on the web. One site is Jessamyns Naked Librarians site. Accessible at http://Jessamyn.com/naked/links.html,
the opening page reads "naked photos o f real live women (with a librarian theme)."
69

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n

The photos r u n rhe gamut. Some are provocative images o f librarians from ads
or book covers. Others are photographs o f naked librarians from a variety o f sourccs.
P A I N T BY NUMBERS

I f youre tired o f thinking about librarians i n pornography, skip to the next

section. But i f you just cant get enough and have an artistic leaning, you can also
get a paint-by-number k i t o f a supposedly naked librarian from the Scarlet Librarian. The heading on the opening webpage (www.scarletlibrarian.com) reads "the
scarlet librarian: because everyone loves naked librarians?" O n the website you can
view and order a paint-by-number kit o f the unclothed woman you choose, or even
a T-shirt.

Librarians

in Movies

The librarian as a character has appeared i n literally hundreds movies from the
silent film era to today. I n most o f the early movies they fit the typical image o f the
librarian o f that time. I n their book The Image of Librarians in Cinema, 1917-1999
(McFarland, 2 0 0 5 ) , Ray and Brenda Tevis acrually analyzed rhe stereotypical/nonstereotypical images o f librarians i n the cinema.
Numerous lists of movies that contain a library scene, library worker, or librarian character abound on the Internet, and i n various reference publications. I n most
o f the movies appearing on these lists, the librarian is only a minor character. But i n
the past 2 0 years, a number of movie scripts have librarians as major characters. Many
o f these movies have the librarians shedding their stereotypical image and morphing
into action roles, taking charge o f the situation or conquering problems. These are
entertaining movies to be enjoyed by librarians and library lovers. Let's take a look at
some of the comedies and action films w i t h librarians playing a major role.

Shorts
T H E LIBRARIAN DIALOGUES ( 2 0 0 5 )

" This humorous short (approximately three minutes) film looks at what transpires during a staff meeting o f librarians. Some o f the topics discussed at the meeting include the problem o f theft o f library materiais and the beeping noise o f the
checkout machine. Yes, there are some stereotypes being promoted so some librarians may take offense at i t . But for ali o f us who can laugh at our own profession,
the film provides a couple minutes o f levity.
The Librarian Dialogues was written, directed and produced by Sam Logan
Khaleghi. I n the credits, the four librarian characters have names even though i n the
film they are not referred to by name. I love the fact that one o f them is named Spike.
70

5. Librarians

in Politics,

Porn, Movies,

and

Books

A t the time o f this w r i t i n g , the film can be viewed on the Internet at

www.fatkidstudios.com/librariandialogues. The website stares the film w i l l be available for purchase on D V D soon.
LIBRARY

STAFF

NOTICE

(2005)

I n this funny short film, a library user is talking on her cell phone while she
searches for books i n the book stacks. As she pulls books off the shelf in her search,
she drops them onto the floor rather than reshelving them. Her actions prompt a
ghost to begin stalking her.
The film was produced by a team o f ten students at Emory University and
shown during Campus MovieFest. You can view the film online at http://video.
google.com/videoplay?docid=-3672196227600735115&q=library+staff+notice.

Feature Films: Action

THE BLACK

MASK

I f you don't like martial arts films but love the idea o f a librarian kicking butt,
then you need to take the time to see this film. Set i n H o n g Kong, i t stars martial
art star Jet L i (The One and Kiss ofthe Dragon). L i is part o f a biologically enhanced
commando force w i t h superhuman srrength and i m m u n i t y to pain. W h e n some o f
the members become unstable, the government decides to terminate the commando
force. But L i escapes and assumes a new identity. Taking the name Simon, he's now
a librarian i n Hong Kong.
The library is the perfect hiding place for h i m . He says " I like i t here. It's quiet.
Nobody ever bothers a librarian." But things drastically change. He dons a black
mask to protect his identity as he battles criminais and members o f his old commando force. A n d o f course, throughout the action a romance forms between L i
and a loopy part-time library worker.
Because of Li's small build, his appearance as a librarian is believable. He looks
right at home pushing a book cart as he reshelves library books. But this librarian
can effortlessly defeat an army o f bad guys while maintaining a calm appearance.
The movie deserves its "R" rating. I t has lots o f blood, guts, bodies, and body
parts. This is definitely not a film for children.
The version o f the movie I watched was dubbed i n English. But many o f the
D V D s for sale note that they contain English subtitles.
(Live/Artisan, Initially released i n H o n g Kong i n 1996 and i n the United States
i n 1999. Running time: 1 hour, 42 minutes.)
THE

LIBRARIAN:

QUEST

FOR THE

SPEAR

For a less bloody librarian superhero film, d o n t miss The Librarian: Quest for
the Spear. Originally airing on the T N T cable network, this is an action movie for
the entire family to watch. A l though the movie was harshly criticized and panned
71

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n

by real librarians, the movie is intended to be fun, not factual. A n d i t definita

provides some fun entertainment.
Noah Wyle stars as Flynn Carsen, who seeks a job at the Metropolitan Librarr
as a librarian. D u r i n g the interview, Jane C u r t i n , playing a library administratoc.
asks h i m , " W h a t makes you t h i n k you could be the librarian?"
" W e l l , IVe read a lot o f books," he replies w i t h a laugh.
" D o n t t r y to be funny. I d o n t do funny. W h a t makes you t h i n k you could be
the librarian?" she asks again.
" I know the Dewey Decimal System, Library o f Congress, research paper, web
searching. I can set up an RSS feed."
"Everyone knows that," replies C u r t i n . "Theyre librarians."
Carsen ultimately gets the job as the librarian. ( D o n t we wish ali male librarians were as cute as Wyle!)
Bob Newhart, playing a mysterious library administrator and ex-Marine, show*
Carsen some o f the secret treasures kept i n the library, treasures such as the A r k of
the Covenant and Pandota's Box. But shortly after Carsen starts his new job, the
Serpent Brotherhood breaks into the library and steals the library's piece of the Spear
of Destiny (btoken up into three pieces and at one time Hitler had a piece o f the
spear, and so d i d Napoleon). The leader o f the brotherhood seeks to retrieve and
unite ali three pieces o f the spear to use its power to rule the w o r l d .
As the new librarian, Carsen is sent by the library administrators to retrieve
rhe Spear o f Destiny and prevent the bad guys from reuniting the spear, a task he
very reluctantly undertakes. Nicole Noone (played by Sonja Walger), a fellow Merropolitan Library employee skilled i n combat and martial arts, joins Carsen as he
pursues the spear. She provides the brawn while Carsen provides the brains.
This Raiders ofthe Lost Ark type movie takes the viewer from the recesses o f
the Metropolitan Library to the Amazon and high into the Himalayas. Besides the
action and scenery, the plot is bound to make you smile. Both the hero and the
head bad guy are librarians! This is a must-see movie for anyone who wants to see
a librarian as an adventure hero who uses his brain to defeat evil forces.
The screenplay was written by David Titcher, who also wrote the screenplay
for Around the World in 80 Days (2004). He was also a writer for the T V series
Who s the Boss. Titchet's sense of humor also continues to display itself i n The Librarian: Quest for the Spear.
( T N T , distribured by Warner Home Video, released 2005. Running time: 106
minutes.)
THE

MUMMY

For a fun action film w i t h a female librarian heroine, be sure to watch The
Librarian starring Brendan Fraser (Bedazzled, George ofthe Jungle) and Academy
Award-winner Rachel Weisz (The Constant Gardener) as the librarian. N o t your t y p 72

5.

Librarians

in Politics, Porn, Movies,

and

Books

ical librarian, Weisz' character works i n the library at the Museum o f Antiquities
in Cairo. How'd she get her job? The answer appears about 13 minutes into the
film. Theres a scene i n the library where Weisz' character creates a domino-lke
accident on a ladder that causes ali the bookcases to topple over. U p o n seeing the
mess, the curator asks i n a fit o f anger, " W h y do I put up w i t h you?!" Weisz replies,
"Well you put up w i t h me because I can read and write ancient Egyptian and I can
... I can decipher hieroglyphics and Heratic, and I am the only person w i t h i n a
thousand miles who knows how to properly code and catalog this library, that's
why."
Fraser plays an adventurer and treasure hunter who teams up w i t h Weisz and
others i n search o f the lost city o f Hamunaptra. Abour 50 minutes into the film,
they find the ruins o f the lost city. That evening, after some drinking, Frasers character asked Weisz, " W h a t are you doing here?" She replies, " I may not be an explorer,
or an adventurer, or a treasure seeker, or a gunfighter M r . 0 ' C o n n e l l , but I am
proud o f what I am." " A n d what is that?" he asks. She replies, " I am a librarian."
The next evening Weisz's curiosity leads her to secretly "borrowing" the Book
ofthe Dead found by a competing member o f the archeological dig party. W h e n
she's about to open the book, Fraser asks "are you sure you want to be playing around
w i t h this thing?" She replies, "It's just a book. N o harm ever carne from reading a
book." So she reads from the book aloud and accidentally revives rhe M u m m y who
begins to bring ten plagues upon rhe earth.
The remainder o f the film focuses on the efforts of many to defeat the M u m m y .
Weisz uses her brain to find a way for Fraser ro ultimately defeat the M u m m y . By
the end o f the film you are so impressed w i t h the librarian you forget she was the
one who accidentally brought the M u m m y back to life! But i n the end the M u m m y
is defeated and Weisz ends up w i t h hunky Fraser.
But the fun doesnt stop there. A sequei to the film {TheMummy Returns) picks
up the story several years later. Weisz and Fraser are happily married w i t h a son
about ten years old. Their son puts on the bracelet o f Anbis, which i n seven days,
w i l l awaken the Scorpion K i n g . Through holographic images, the bracelet shows
the way to the Scotpion King's kingdom. O n l y when the bracelet reaches the home
of the Scorpion K i n g can i t be removed.
D a r k forces have once again raised the M u m m y . This time he kidnaps the boy
to find the way to the Scorpion K i n g . The M u m m y seeks to defear the Scorpion
K i n g , command the invincible army o f Anbis, and rule over the w o r l d . But Weisz
and Fraser are determined to get their son back and send rhe M u m m y back to the
underworld.
Surprisingly, this sequei is just as much fun as the initial movie. Weisz' librarian character is a confident, assertive woman i n love who kicks some butt. As the
film progresses, we find she is the reincarnation o f Nefertiti and possesses het memories and skills. So we see her i n swordplay skillfully battling the bad guys.
73

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n

The wonderful

thing about these movies is that when we hrst meet Weisz as

But as the two m o v i e s
progress, she demonstrates her intellect, knowledge, and confidence. She gains combat skills and fearlessly fights to save the world, and the ones she loves. She's
definitely a librarian superhero w i t h o u t the fame!

the librarian, shes a well-organized meek looking woman.

{The Mummy; Universal, released 1999. Running rime: 125 minutes. The
Mummy Returns; Universal, released 2001. Running time: 130 minutes.)

Feature Films: Comedies

THE

GUN IN BETTY

LOU'S

HANDBAG

This film is a teal hoot. Penlope A n n Miller {The Relic, Kindergarten Cop)
plays Betty Lou Perkins, a young t i m i d librarian married to a cop. She never seems
ro be able to get the head librarian to go along w i t h her ideas, or to get her husband to pay more attention to her and her needs. One day she finds a gun that was
used i n a gangland murder. She places the gun i n her handbag and runs to call her
husband ro tell h i m about the gun. But he's busy and btushes her off before she
can tell h i m about the gun. So she embarks on trying to tell others about her find,
but cant hold their attention long enough to tell them about the gun. Frustrated,
she accidentally fires the gun i n a resrroom. W h e n she's arrested, she suddenly loves
the attention finally being paid to her, so she confesses to owning the gun and to
committing the murder. This is when the fun really starts to kick i n .
W h i l e i n jail, she meets a prostitute who helps her describe her murderous
actions more believably. The prostitute also gives her fashion pointers, helping her
cut her long red hair and get r i d o f her homely ankle-lengrh dress and her comfy
boots. The nexr day when Betty Lou walks into the courrroom, she's Sporting
noticeable makeup, a chie short hairstyle, a sexy short black dress, black nylons,
high heels, and bright ted jacket. W h e n the judge sees her, he whispers to the bailiff,
"That's Betty Lou Perkins?"
" U h h u h , " replies rhe bailiff.
" H e l l , I d o n t go to the library enough," he replies.
But my favorite scene, and a favorite o f many librarians, is about 48 minutes
into the film. A standing room only crowd o f people shows up at the Tettley Public Library's fundraiser organized by Betty L o u and the other librarian. Betty Lou
is asked to speak to the crowd.
" W e l l , a funny thing happened on the way to the fundraiser," she says. "It's
so great so many lovers o f rhe library showed up. A n d I d o n t wanr to disappoint
any o f you so Fm going to give you what you want."
The crowd is silent, anticipating her next words, which are "Sex. Crime. Mystery. Romance." She continues w i t h " I have something to show y o u . "
She slowly opens her purse and reaches her hand into i t . The silent crowd
74

5.

Librarians

in Politics,

Porn, Movies,

WaitS i n fearful antcipation that she may

pulJ out

and
gun.

Books
B u t instead, she pulls

out

her library card.

You'11 have to see the film to truly appreciate how effective this was as a library
card promotion.
(Touchstone Pictures, released 1992. Running time: 89 m i n u t e s )
FOUL

PLAY

Goldie H a w n is hardly a boring and frumpy librarian i n this madcap movie

from the seventies. Yet, she plays Gloria Mundy, a single librarian who seldom ever
takes any chances, at least until she picks up an attractive man stranded by the side
of the road. Then the fun begins. I dont want to spoil any surprises if you havent
seen the movie. But 111 tell you there's a menacing A l b i n o , a pet snake, the pope,
Chevy Chase (his first starring role i n a motion picture) as a detective, a hilarious
Dudley Moore, Burgess Meredith as a neighbor, and wonderful San Francisco
scenery. (But d o n t be fooled into thinking that's really the San Francisco Public
Library. The scenes inside the library were actually shot at the Pasadena Public
Library in Southern Califrnia.)
D o n t we wish ali librarians were as funny as Goldie Hawn? A n d despite some
scenes showing her wearing big-framed glasses and one outfit w i t h a long-sleeved
white blouse buttoned up to her neck, her outfits are far from frumpy. The movie
begins w i t h her dressed in a black evening dress, and near rhe end of rhe film she
fights off bad guys w i t h a bright yellow umbrella while dressed in a short, sheer,
low-cur bridesmaid/cocktail dress and high heels.
(Paramount, released 1978. Running time: 116 minutes.)

Feature Films: Musicais

GOOD

NEWS

I m a big fan of musicais. Theyre fun and have great music and happy endings. A n d best of ali, theyre easy to watch while multitasking d u i i n g the evenings.
So I was thrilled to discover Good News while doing the research for this book.
This 1947 M G M film features a young Peter Lawford and June Allyson. Allyson
is a student and assistam librarian at the campus library who tutors the college
football hero, played by Lawford. Watch the sparks fly when you add in a sexy vixen
who also desires Lawford.
June Allyson is no ugly duckling. So it's amusing in one scene where Allyson
is dressed up for a date w i t h Lawford and a friend sees her and says, "You sure dont
look like a librarian." Allyson is an attractive actress and throughout this film she's
dressed like other students on campus. There are definitely no frumpy clothes in
this movie. But you'11 be treated to lots of toe tapping music and heel kicking dance
numbers.
75

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n

But what really earns this film a gold star is Allyson as an attractive and interesting librarian. She uses her brains instead o f her looks to ultimately land rhe guy.
She wonderfully demonstrates the intelligene o f librarians.
( M G M , released 1947. Running t i m e : 93 minutes.)
THE MUSIC

MAN

I f you havent heard o f Conan the Librarian, youVe probably heard o f Marian
the Librarian. I n the 1962 musical The Music Man, Robert Preston plays H a r o l d
H i l l , a charming con man who drifts into Rivet C i t y and convinces the residents
that they need a boys marching band. He promises to equip the band w i t h instruments and teach the boys how to play, ali the while intending to take their money
and r u n . But what he doesnt count on is slowly falling i n love w i t h Marian, the
town librarian. Marian the Librarian is immortalized i n one o f the movie's most
memorable songs. Played by Shirley Jones, Marian uses her reference skills to discover H a r o l d H i l l is a fraud. Bur being a musical, d o n t worry. This movie has a
happy ending.
(Warner Brorhers, released 1962. Running time: 151 minutes.)
A m a d e - f o r - T V remake o f The Music Man was made i n 2003. Featuring
Matthew Broderick i n the role o f H a r o l d H i l l and Kristin Chenoweth as Marian
the Librarian, this version includes two songs that wereht included i n the 1962
movie.
(Walt Disney Pictures, released 2003. Running time: 150 minutes.)

Feature Films: Dramas

LAST

LIFE

IN THE

UNIVERSE

This foreign film centers on Kenji, a suicidai librarian. This o f course changes
when he meets an attractive young woman. They become an odd couple w i t h h i m
being a clean freak and her being a slob. The film was an official selection at the
Sundance F i l m Festival, Toronto Film Festival, and Venice F i l m Festival. I t received
wonderful reviews by a variety o f noted film critics and has been called a masterpiece, poetic, and haunting. But despite its excellent reviews, I couldht get past
the first 20 minutes o f the film. As a librarian, a movie about a strange suicidai
librarian just doesnt appeal to me.
The movie opens w i t h Kenji imagining himself hanging from a noose. This
is definitely not a film to watch w i t h the family. Ir's loaded w i t h adult language
and subject matter, including drug abuse and violence.
The film is i n T h a i and Japanese w i t h English subtitles. But there's verbal
commentary i n English on various aspects o f the film while the film is playing
which I found very annoying.
(Palm Pictures, released 2003. Running time: 104 minutes.)
76

5- Librarians

a attractive and inter-

nutes.)
e i n 2003. Featuring
Chenoweth as Marian
included i n the 1962

"his o f course changes

odd couple w i t h h i m
fficial selection at the
m Festival. I t received
been called a masters, I couldnt get past
>ut a strange suicidai
s from a noose. This
w i t h adult language
:s. But there's verbal
rhe film is playing

Porn, Movies, and

Books

Feature Films with Librarians in

Supporting or Minor R o l e s

n m a t e l y l a n d the guy.

jably heard o f Marian

Preston plays Harold
anvinces the residents
the band w i t h instrug to take their money
ove w i t h Marian, the
e o f the movie's most
reference skills to disrry. This movie has a

in Politics,

As menrioned earlier i n rhis chapter, over 100 movies have a libra

I n some cases their appearance i n the film is o f little consequence.
the librarian leaves a lasting impression. So these films are w o r t h m
case you havent seen them yet.
BECAUSE

OF

WINN-DIXIE

Based on the book o f the same title, the movie focuses on a gir
and her dog W i n n - D i x i e . Eva Marie Saint plays the towns spinster l
Franny. Despite the stereotypical librarian image, you cant help b
w i t h M s . Frannys sweet character. W h e n we first meet her, she tells C
o f how a bear wandered into the library and she chased h i m out by thn
of War and Peace at h i m . The bear left but took the book w i t h h i m !
M s . Franny gives Opal a container o f candy invented by Ms. Fr
father whose firsr name was Litmus. The candy, named Litmus Lo
secret ingredient only some people can taste. Those who have experi
can taste i t . It's sorrow.

(Twentieth Century Fox, released 2005. Running time: 106 min

IT'S

A WONDERFUL

LIFE

It's no surprise that librarians appear as minor characters i n m o v

than lead characters. Some o f the most memorable librarians i n mo
were minor characters. W h o can forget Donna Reeds role as George
M a r y i n Lt's a Wonderful Life} W h e n angel-in-training Clarence shows
life w o u l d be like w i t h o u t h i m , we see M a r y as an old-maid libra
glasses which as George's wife she does not do). H m m m ... funny i
native o f getting married was to become an old maid librarian!
(Republic Pictures, released 1947. Running time: 130 minutes.)
UHF

The librarian character i n this movie is not even a supporting

w o t t h mentioning nonetheless. I f youve ever heard the phrase " C o m
ian," watching this movie w i l l give you the origin o f the phrase. The
on "Weird A l " Yankovic as a guy who has a hard time holding on to
lands one at a bottom-rated television station. Things t u r n around
Yankovic begins offering offbeat programming. One o f the shows 1
the Librarian." But you need to watch closely because what appears
a T V advertisement for the series "Conan the Librarian." It's about 51
the film and only lasts about one minute.

(Orion Pictures, released 1989. Running time: 1 hour, 37 m i n u

77

5. Librarians

in Politics,

Porn, Movies,

and

Books

Feature Films with Librarians in

Supporting or Minor Roles
As mentioned earlier i n this chapter, over 100 movies have a librarian i n them.
I n some cases their appearance i n the film is o f little consequence. But i n others,
the librarian leaves a lasting impression. So these films are w o r t h mentioning i n
case you havent seen them yet.
BECAUSE

OF

WINN-DIXIE

Based on the book o f the same title, the movie focuses on a girl named Opal
and her dog W i n n - D i x i e . Eva Marie Saint plays the towhs spinster librarian, Ms.
Franny. Despite the stereorypical librarian image, you cant help but fali i n love
w i t h M s . Frannys sweet character. W h e n we first meet her, she tells Opal the story
of how a bear wandered imo the library and she chased h i m out by throwing a copy
of War and Peace at h i m . The bear left but took the book w i t h h i m !
M s . Franny gives Opal a container o f candy invented by Ms. Franny's grandfather whose first name was Litmus. The candy, named Litmus Lozenges, has a
secret ingredient only some people can taste. Those who have experienced sadness
can taste i t . It's sorrow.
(Twentieth Century Fox, released 2005. Running time: 106 minutes.)
IT'S

A WONDERFUL

LIFE

It's no surprise that librarians appear as minor characters i n movies more often
than lead characters. Some o f the most memorable librarians i n motion pictures
were minor characters. W h o can forget Donna Reed's role as George Baileys wife
Mary i n lt's a Wonderful Life? W h e n angel-in-training Clarence shows George what
life w o u l d be like w i t h o u t h i m , we see M a r y as an old-maid librarian (wearing
glasses which as George's wife she does not do). H m m m ... funny how the alternative o f getting married was to become an old maid librarian!
(Republic Pictures, released 1947. Running time: 130 minures.)
UHF
The librarian character i n this movie is not even a supporting character but
w o r t h mentioning nonetheless. I f youve ever heard the phrase "Conan the Librarian," watching this movie w i l l give you the origin o f the phrase. The story centers
on "Weird A l " Yankovic as a guy who has a hard time holding on to a job u n t i l he
lands one at a bottom-iated television station. Things t u r n around though when
Yankovic begins offering offbear programming. One o f rhe shows being "Conan
the Librarian." But you need to watch closely because what appears i n the film is
a T V advertisement for the series "Conan the Librarian." It's about 51 minutes into
the film and only lasts about one minute.
(Orion Pictures, released 1989. Running time: 1 hour, 37 minutes.)
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Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n

Feature Films: Documentaries

A t rhe time o f this w r i t i n g , The Hollywood Librarian: Librarians in Cinema
and Society was still i n producrion. But by the time y o u read rhis, i t should be
released. I t w i l l definitely be a "must-see" film for anyone curious about librarians.
Besides being the first full-length film ro focus on librarians and their w o r k i n
the movies and i n real life, the film is also unique in that i t was written and directed
by a professionally educated librarian. A n n Seidl, the writer and director, holds a
master's degree i n library and information services from the University o f Denver.
She's also an example o f the diverse background many new librarians bring to the
profession. Before earning her M L I S degree, she worked i n a variety o f jobs ranging from hosting a television news magazine to working as a voice-over actor.
The Hollywood Librarian looks at librarian characters i n dozens o f films like Desk
Set, Its a Wonderful Life, and The Shawshank Redemption, and at a variety o f real life
new, midcareer, and vereran librarians. The work of librarians in the movies is compareci w i t h the real work o f todays librarians. The film covers the spectrum of librarians from those who work in public services, to those who work behind the scenes i n
technical services, and from libraries o f ali types and sizes.

Librarians

in Books

Librarians have appeared i n books and stories as long as there have been people
called librarians. I f youre dying to read as much fiction as possible w i t h a librarian i n
it, then be sure to get your hands on a copy o f Grant Burns' Librarians in Fiction
(McFarland, 1998). This annotated bibliography contains descriptions of books, short
stories and plays w i t h librarians i n them. Even i f you don't have time to read ali the
items on the list, you'11 enjoy just reading the story synopsis o f each one i n this book.
I f you re a fan o f bibliomysteries or romance novis w i t h libiarian characters i n
them, there are two websites you should be aware of. The first is Bibliomysteries.com.
I f youre wondering what a bibliomystery is, it's a mystery that has a plot, setting, or
character related to libraries, books, archives, or writers. There are often librarians i n
bibliomysteries. The second websire is www.jenw.org/home.hrm. I f youre a romance
reader, be sure to check out this site of library career romances.
I f youre not a teally big fan o f librarian characters, but occasionally just feel
like reading a book w i r h a librarian character, you may want to check out one o f
these recent books.
THE BOOK

OF FLYING,

BY K E I T H M I L L E R . RIVERHEAD, 2 0 0 4 .

Set i n a city by the sea where residents are either winged or nonwinged, the
main character is Pico, a librarian, a nonwinged man unable to fly. He falis i n loved
w i t h a winged girl who cannot fully love h i m because he is not one o f the winged
78

5.

Librarians

in Politics,

Porn, Movies, and

Books

people. So he sets off for the fabled M o r n i n g Town, where legend says he w i l l be
able to get his wings, and begins an unforgerrable advenrure.
LA CUCINA:

A NOVEL

OF RAPTURE,

BY L I L Y PRIOR.

HARPER PERENNIAL, 2 0 0 1 .

Set i n Sicily, this story is about Rosa Fiori; who grows up in a family where the
kitchen, "la cucina," is at the core of the family. When Rosa is 18, her lover is murdered. So she flees to Palermo where she becomes a librarian for the next 25 years,
while perfecting her cooking skills. Then one day an Englishman researching regional
cuisine comes into the library, reawakening Rosas passion for love and cooking.
A DEATH

IN DULCINA,

BY LARAMEE DOUGLAS.

ALLIGATOR FREE PRESS, 2 0 0 5 .

The suspect i n a murder o f a woman i n Dulcina, Texas, is a former student

o f retired school librarian Darby Matheson. This promprs her to t r y and solve rhe
murder.
THE DEWEY

DECIMAL

SYSTEM

OF LOVE,

BY JOSEPHINE CARR.

N E W A M E R I C A N LIBRARY, 2 0 0 3 .

Ally Sheffield, a self-described spinster librarian, works at the Free Library o f

Philadelphia. But she is definitely not the stereotypical librarian. A fun loving
librarian, Ally falis i n love w i r h Aleksi Jullio, the new conductor o f the Philadelphia Philharmonic. The only problem is he's married. But this is a romance, and
theie is more rhan one man i n this novel. W h o does A l l y end up with? You'11 just
have to take the time to pick up this fun novel to find out.
THE

HISTORIAN,

BY ELIZABETH KOSTOVA. L I T T L E , B R O W N , 2 0 0 5 .

This book involves a search for Dracula V l a d the Impaler. Although librarians only appear as minor characters i n this book, they are noteworthy. Also o f note
is that the authors mother is a rerired librarian. That's a good enough reason to
pick up this book!
HOWLFELL

IN LOVE

WITH A LIBRARIAN

AND LIVED

TO TELL

ABOUT

IT, BY

R H E T T ELLIS. SPARKLING BAY BOOKS, 2 0 0 3 .

A n amusing easy read, this book has a librarian as a major character. The beautiful Myra Findley is the new librarian at the Clegmore Public Library. M s . F i n d ley is literally crazy when she's not on her meds. A d d i n the town preacher who's
smirten w i t h the new librarian and the fun begins.
ICE

QUEEN,

BY A L I C E H O A M A N . BACK BAY BOOKS, 2 0 0 6 .

The book centers around a New Jersey librarian who, as a child, wished her
mother w o u l d disappear. Unfortunately, her mother subsequently dies, and the
79

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n

librarian grows up to be an ice queen, emotionally frozen. Her brother convinces

her to move to Florida where he lives. She does, and one day is struck by lightnitlg.
She survives the lightning strike, but the strike changes her entire perspective on
life.
THE LIBRARIAN,

BY LARRY BEINHART. N A T I O N BOOKS, 2 0 0 4 .

Due to budget problems, university librarian David Goldberg must end Elaina
Whisthovens employment i n the library. Months later she reappears and asks for
his help. She needs to take a leave o f absence from her present job i n the private
library o f the wealthy and powerful Alan Stowe. Fearful o f losing her job, she asks
David Goldberg i f he w i l l cover for her while she's gone. He agrees and begins moonlighting i n rhe Stowe library. Soon he's involved i n politicai intrigue, mystery, and
danger.
THE LIBRARIAN'S

PASSIONATE

KNIGHT

DYNASTIES:

THE

BARONES,

BY C I N D Y GERARD. SILHOUETTE, 2 0 0 3 .

Shy librarian Phoebe lacks self-confidence. To her rescue is rich Bostonian

Daniel Barone. This book is part o f a seties o f books focusing on the Batone family.
OPEN SEASON,

BY L I N D A H O W A R D . POCKET BOOKS. 2001.

Librarian Daisy M i n o r is rhe epitome o f the stereotypical librarian. She lives

w i t h her mother and aunt, dresses conservatively, and the last date she had was over
ten years ago w i t h a guy who her aunt fixed her up w i t h . So on her 34th birthday,
she decides she needs to make a lifestyle change to get what she wants out o f life
sex and a husband. She moves into her own house, undergoes an exterior makeover,
and hits the local bars i n search o f love. But she inadvertently witnesses something
she shouldrt. But no romance novel w o u l d be complete w i t h o u t a hunky hero.
A n d i n Daisys case, it's chief o f police Jack Russo.
POPPY DONE

TO DEATH:

AURORA

TEAGARDENMYSTERY,

BY CHARLAINE HARRIS. ST. M A R T I N ' S , 2 0 0 3 .

Aurora "Roe" Teagarden works as a part-time librarian i n a small Southern town.

A widow and a member o f the U p p i t y Women literary club, she gets concerned when
her step sister-in-law, Poppy, fails to show up for a meeting. W h e n Roe goes to her
house, she finds Poppy murdered. While attempting to solve Poppys murder, Roe must
also deal w i t h her half brother who moves i n w i t h her, a romantic involvement, and
town gossip regarding Poppy and her husband's extramarital affairs.
UNTAMED,

BY K A T H L E E N LAWLESS. POCKET BOOKS, 2 0 0 5 .

Librarian Paris Sommer traveis to Forked Creek, Nevada, a restored ghost town
and the site o f a bordello once owned by her great great grandmother. Since this is
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5.

Librarians

in Politics,

Porn, Movies,

and

Books

a hot romance novel, our librarian finds passion i n a masculine sexy cowboy and a
treasure map. W h a t does the map lead to? You'11 have to tead the book to find the
answer.
WHAT

THE LIBRARIAN

HEARD,

BY L I N D A B I N G H A M . E A K I N PRESS, 2001.

I n this mystery set i n Oklahoma, the library shares a building w i t h the police.
A n d we know librarians are well suited to help the police solve a sjring o f murders.
I n this case, the sleuthing librarian is Elinor Woodward. See i f you can solve the
crime before Elinor does!
THE

WRITING

ON THE WALL,

BY L Y N N E SHARON SCHWARTZ.

COUNTERPOINT PRESS, 2 0 0 4 .

New York librarian Renata's life is full o f tragedy. A t 16 her t w i n sistet has a
baby, then mysteriously dies. N o t long aftet that, her father dies and her mother
goes crazy. So Renata ends up raising her sister's child, who disappears one day i n
the park, never to been seen again. Years later Renata finds herself i n a relationship
w i t h a man named Jack. Then, on the morning o f September l l t h , the W o r l d Trade
Center towers are attacked. This sets the backdrop for the rest o f this emotional
story.

81

7
Songs and Poems About
and for
Librarians
Songs About

Librarians

To be immortalized i n song is a great honor. Despite that frumpy, cold, spinster stereotypical image o f librarians, many a songwriter has composed a song about
a librarian. I n fact, most of the songs wrirten about libtarians surprisingly have been
love songs. Maybe ir's that secret desire for that which is forbidden, or maybe it's
just the idle daydreaming o f a librarian letting her hair down and shedding her
frumpy clorhes that have prompred the creation o f librarian songs. We'll never
know. Strangely, librarians havent penned any love songs about libraries.
A n d yes, there are librarians who are also songwriters and singers. Take for
example multitalented Rob Lopresti. I n addition to being a libtarian, he's also a
prolific mystery writer and singer/songwriter. His lbum Can I Biante You? has a
song titled "Reference Librarian" that anyone who's ever worked a reference desk
can identify w i t h .
The songs listed i n this chapter are but a sample o f the many songs about
librarians. Information on the albums on which the songs appear is provided i n
case you want to add the item to your music collection. I n most cases you can hear
a sample o f the song on a variety o f websites to help you i n your decision as to
whether or not to purchase the C D .

Love Songs (Including Unrequited Love)

" H E A V E N SENT"

A r t i s t : I N X S . l b u m : Welcome to Wherever You Are (Remastered). Type:

Pop/Rock. Label: Rhino Records. Release Date: 1992. List Price: $11.98.
The sparse lyrics i n this song are about a librarian and a library. A sample o f
the song can be heard on the C D Universe website (www.cduniverse.com).
92

7. Songs and Poems About

and for

Librarians

Other songs on the lbum: "Questions," "Heaven Sent," "Communication,"

"Tasre I t , " " N o t Enough T i m e , " " A l i A r o u n d , " "Baby Don't Gry," "Beauriful G i r l , "
" W i s h i n g Love," "Back on Love," "Strange Desire," " M e n and Women," "The
Answer," "Wishing W e l l " (version 2), "Ali A r o u n d " (version 2), "The Indian Song,"
"Heaven Sent" (original demo waltz version).
" I N THE ARMY K I D "

Artist: O f Montreal. Type: Pop/Rock. lbum: Bedside Drama: A Petite Tragedy.

Label: Kinde. Release Date: 1999. List Price: $49.98. l b u m : Horse & Elephant
Eatery. Label: Columbia (Japan). Release Date: 2000. Price: $37.85
These song lyrics are bound ro make most librarians smile. The song, abour
"Jen she's a librarian" contains lyrics like "sorry but youre just not my type" and
" d i d y o u know I had a funny dream and i n i t I was i n the army." The Bedside
Drama lbum contains 17 additional songs, and the Horse & Elephant lbum contains 14 additional songs.
"KAREN"

A r t i s t : The Go Betweens. l b u m : That Striped Sunlight Sound. Type:

Pop/Rock. Label: Yep Roc Records. Release Date: 2006. List Price: $24.97.
The lyrics are about "this very special girl she works i n a library...." A sample
o f it can be heard on the C D Universe website (www.cduniverse.com). Orher songs
on rhe lbum: "Black M u l e , " "Clouds," "Boundary Rider," Born to a Family,"
"Streets o f Your T o w n , " "Here Comes a City," " D r a i n i n g the Pool for You" " F i n d ing You," "Spring Rain," "Was There A n y t h i n g I Could D o , " "Surfing Magazines,"
"Devils Eye," "Too M u c h o f One T h i n g , " "People Say," "The Clock."
" T H E LIBRARIAN"

Artist: Hefner. l b u m : Breaking Gods Heart. Type: Pop/Rock. Label: Beggars

Banquet. Release Date: 1998. List Price: $13.98.
The lyrics pertain to a mans love and dreams o f a certain librarian. U n f o r t u nately the love is not returned. A sample o f the song can be heard on the C D U n i verse website at www.cduniverse.com. Other songs on the lbum: "The Sweetness
Lies W i t h i n , " "The Sad W i t c h , " "A H y m n for the Postal Service," "Love W i l l
Destroy Us i n the End," " G o d Is on M y Side," "Another Bettet Friend," "Love
Inside the Stud Farm," "Tactile," "Eloping."
"LISA LIBRARIAN"

Artist: Velocity G i r l . l b u m : Copacetic. Type: Pop. Label: Sub Pop. Release

Date: 1993. List Price: $11.98.
This is another love song involving a librarian named Lisa. A sample o f the song
can be heard on the Amazon website (www.amazon.com). The Velocity Girl ringtone
is also available for download to your cell phone at www.lyricsdownload.com.
93

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n

Orher songs on the lbum: "Pretty Sister," "Crazy T o w n , " "Copacetic," "Here
Comes," "Pop Loser," " L i v i n g W e l l , " "A Chang," "Audreys Eyes," "57 Waltz,"
"Candy Apples," "Catching Squirrels."
" L O V E I N T H E LIBRARY"

A r t i s t : J i m m y Buffet. l b u m : Fruitcakes. Type: Counrry. Label: M C A

Nashville. Release Date: 1984. List Price: $9.98.
The delightful lyrics i n this song tell a story o f a man who falis i n love w i t h a
woman he sees i n the library. It's unclear wherher the woman is a libtarian or a
patron but my guess is the object o f his affection is a librarian, who is trying to get
a hard-to-reach book, and not a patron.
" M A R I A N T H E LIBRARIAN"

l b u m : The Music Man. Type: Pop. Label: Warner Bros. Release Date: 1962.
List Price: $11.98.
This is the famous love song from The Music Man movie that made Marian
the Librarian a household name. Other songs on the lbum: " M a i n Title/Rock
Island/Iowa Station/The Traveling Salesman Medley," "Ya Got Trouble," "Piano
Lesson/If You D o n t M i n d M y Saying So," "Goodnight M y Someone," "SeventySix Trombones," "Sincere," "Sadder but Wiser G i r l , " "Pick-a-Little Talk-a-Little,"
Being i n Love," "Gary Indiana," "Wells Fargo Wagon," " W i l l I Ever Tell You,"
"Shipoopi," " T i l l There Was You," "Goodnight M y Someone."

"Miss

CLARA"

Artist: Bobbie Gentry. l b u m : Patchwork. Label: Capitol LP. Release Date:

1971. List Price: no longer available for purchase.
Through the lyrics, the listener finds out that Miss Clara, a librarian, receives
a letter from a library pation who is a student who professes his love for her. The
only problem is she doesnt know his name.
"SWEET LIBRARIAN"

" Artist: Railroad Jerk. lbum: ThirdRail. Type: Rock/Alternative. Label: Matador Records. Release Date: 1996. List Price: $15.98.
The song lyrics are from the perspective o f a patron who is definitely sweet on
a librarian. From asking her to be friends, what her days off are, to whether or not
she'd like to go rollerblading, this patron has a bad crush on the librarian. A sample o f the song can be heard on the C D Universe website (www.cduniverse.com).
Other songs on the lbum: "Clean Shirt," "Objectify M e , " "You Forget," "Natalie,"
"You Bet," " W e l l , " "Dusty Knuckle," " M i d d l e C h i l d , " "This Is N o t to Say I Still
Miss You," "Another N i g h t at the Bar," " N o Sleep."
94

Songs and Poems About

and for

Librarians

Songs About Being a Librarian

" I A M T H E SUB-LIBRARIAN"

Artist: Piano Magic. l b u m : Seasonally Affective: A Piano Magic

Type: Pop/Rock. Label: Rocket G i r l ( U K ) . Release Date: 2001. Price: 5
song also appeared on the lbum Low Birth Rate, released i n 1999, by th
price $31.55.)
I n the lyrics a sub-librarian describes herself. A sample o f the
heard on the C D Universe website (www.cduniverse.com). Other s
lbum: "Wrong French," "Non-fiction," "General Electric w i t h Fairy L i
tersporr/Cross Country," "Angel Pie/Magic Tree," "Magnetic N o r t h ,
neers A , " "For Engineers Aa," "Fun of the Century," "Sharpest Knife i n
"Industrial Cutie," "Music for Rolex," "Music for Annahbird," "Music
"Me at 19," " H o w Does I t Feel," "French Mittens," "Biggest Lie," "
Books an Angel," "Cest U n Mauvais Presage Lorsque Ton Aureole
"There's N o Need for Us to Be Alone," "Canadian Brought Us Snow,
Joanne," " M y Password Is a Dead Aunt's Name."
"LIBRARIAN"

Artist: Jonathan Rundman. l b u m : Public Library. Type: Pop/]

Salt Lady Records. Release Date: 2004. List Price: $15.00.
I n the lyrics a librarian tells us w h y he loves being a librarian. 1
rhe acoustic demo o f "Librarian" on the artist's website at www.jonatb
com/audio.html. Other songs on the lbum: "Smart Girls," "Falling E
ond Language," "Narrhex," "747s," "Almost Never See," "The Serious
River Bridge," "Cuban Missile Crisis," "Every Towhs the Same."
"REFERENCE L I B R A R I A N "

Artist: Rob Lopresti. l b u m : Can IBlame You?Type: Folk Music

Music Recordings. Release Date: 2003. List Price: $15.00.
Anyone who has ever worked at a reference desk w i l l identify w i t
ciate the lyrics o f rhis song. The lbum contains 18 songs, including
"Fifteen Iguanas," "Robert Carrer I I I , " "Take a Box," "Nachshon,"
Blame You?" This C D w i t h the "Reference Librarian" song is a perfect
one who is currently working, or has ever worked at an information de:
knows what he's singing about because he's a librarian at Western Was!
versity. I n addirion, he's a singer/songwriter and the author o f ovei
novis. To find out more about the artist and his creative works, check
site at www.nas.com/' lopresti.

95

7- Songs and Poems About

and for

Librarians

Songs About Being a Librarian

" I A M T H E SUB-LIBRARIAN"

Artist: Piano Magic. l b u m : Seasonally Affective: A Piano Magic Retrospective.

Type: Pop/Rock. Label: Rocket G i r l ( U K ) . Release Date: 2001. Price: $26.05. (The
song also appeared on the lbum Low Birth Rate, released i n 1999, by the same label,
price $31.55.)
I n the lyrics a sub-librarian describes herself. A sample o f the song can be
heard on the C D Universe website (www.cduniverse.com). Other songs on the
lbum: "Wrong French," "Non-fiction," "General Electric w i t h Faiiy Lighrs," " W i n tersport/Cross Country," "Angel Pie/Magic Tree," "Magnetic N o t t h , " "For Engineers A , " "For Engineers Aa," "Fun of the Century," "Sharpest Knife i n the Dtawer,"
"Industrial Cutie," "Music for Rolex," "Music for Annahbird," "Music for Wasps,"
" M e at 19," " H o w Does I t Feel," "French Mittens," "Biggest Lie," "Amongst the
Books an Angel," "Cest U n Mauvais Presage Lorsque Ton Aureole A Tombe,"
"There's N o Need for Us to Be Alone," "Canadian Brought Us Snow," "Sketch for
Joanne," " M y Password Is a Dead Aunt's Name."
"LIBRARIAN"

Artist: Jonathan Rundman. lbum: Public Library. Type: Pop/Rock. Label:

Salt Lady Records. Release Date: 2004. List Price: $15.00.
I n the lyrics a librarian tells us why he loves being a librarian. You can hear
rhe acoustic demo o f "Librarian" on the artist's website at www.jonathanrundman.
com/audio.html. Other songs on rhe lbum: "Smart Girls," "Falling D o w n , " "Second Language," "Narthex," "747s," "Almost Never See," "The Serious K i n d , " "Park
River Bridge," "Cuban Missile Crisis," "Every Towhs the Same."
"REFERENCE L I B R A R I A N "

Artist: Rob Lopresti. l b u m : Can IBlame You?Type: Folk Music. Label: Live
Music Recordings. Release Date: 2003. List Price: $15-00.
Anyone who has ever worked at a reference desk w i l l identify w i t h and appreciate the lyrics o f this song. The lbum contains 18 songs, including " W h i t e W o l f , "
"Fifteen Iguanas," "Robert Crter I I I , " "Take a Box," "Nachshon," and "Can I
Blame You?" This C D w i t h the "Reference Librarian" song is a perfect gift for anyone who is currently working, or has ever worked at an information desk. The artist
knows what he's singing about because he's a librarian at Westetn Washington U n i versity. I n addition, he's a singer/songwriter and the author o f over 30 mystery
novis. To find out more about the artist and his creative works, check out his website at www.nas.com/" lopresti.

95

Casanova "Was a L i b r a r i a n

Other Songs With and About Librarians

" T H E LIBRARIAN"

Artist: Nine Horses (David Sylvian, Steve Jansen, Burnt Friedman). lbum:
Snow Borne Sorrow. Type: Pop/Rock. Label: Samadhi Sound. Release Date: 2006.
List Price: $15.98.
This song is rather dark, w i t h lyrics like "keep your head down while theyre
firing low."
A n M P 3 sample o f the song can be obtained from www.djouls.com. Other
songs on the lbum: "Wonderful W o r l d , " "Darkest Birds," "Banality o f Evil," "Atom
and Celi," "A History o f Holes," "Snow Borne Sorrow," "The Day the Earth Stole
Heaven," "Serotonin."
"LIBRARY R A P "

Artist: M C Poindexter and The Srudy Crew. This song was never released on an
lbum. I t was in an episode o f the T V series Sliders which aired from 1995 to 1997 on
the Fox Network and from 1998 to 2000 on the SciFi Channel. "Library Rap" was i n
the episode entitled "Eggheads" which premiered during the first season. You can hear
"Library Rap" on the web at www.slidersweb.ner/blinker/tracks/vocal.htm#.
"LIBRARY S O N G "

Artist: Tom Chapin. lbum: Just for Kids. Type: Childrehs. Label: Sony Special Producr. Release Dare: 1996. Lisr Price: $5.98.
The lyrics focus on a visit to the library by a youngster, but there is mention o f
the librarian behind the check-out desk. A sample o f the song can be heard on the
Amazon website (www.amazon.com). Other songs on the lbum: "A Song o f One,"
"You'11 Be Sorry," "Johnny Glockenspiel," "Good Garbage," "Grear Big Worlds,"
"Someones Gonna Use I t , " "Alphabet Soup," "Don't Make Me," "R-E-C-Y-C-L-E."
" W H E N SPRING COMES T O T H E LIBRARY"

Artist: Robert Lopresti. Type: Folk Music. l b u m : This song is not yet available on an lbum. But you can hear i t and read the lyrics online at www.nas.
cm/"lopresti/spring.htm.
Anyone who Works i n a library or spends time in libraries w i l l truly enjoy the lyrics
of this song. They depict so much o f what really happens during springtime in any
public library from the perspective of someone who works i n a library. The singer/songwriter knows what he's wriring and singing about because he is a longtime librarian.
POEMS A B O U T LIBRARIANS

Librarians are also immortalized in poetry. Some poems are serious and some are
humorous. But unlike songs about librarians, most of the poems are not expressions

of love.
96

7. Songs and Poems About

and for

Librarians

T h e Cataloguer
b y Sam W a l t e r Foss
( F r o m Foss, Song ofthe

Library

Staff

[ N e w Y o r k : J o h n A . A n d e r s o n , 1906.])
O h , j o y ! t o see the L i b r a r y staff p e r p e t u a l l y j o g g i n g ,
A n d t o see the Cataloger i n the act o f cataloging.
("Catalogs L o g - b o o k s f o r c a t t l e , " was the school-boy's d e f i n i t i o n ,
A statement n o t t o be despised f o r i n s i g h t a n d precision)
Every language spoke at Babel i n the books t h a t p i l e her table,
Every t h e m e discussed since A d a m song or story, fact or fable!
A n d she sweetly takes ali k n o w l e d g e for her p r o v i n c e , as d i d Bacon,
A l i the f r u i t that's d r o o p e d a n d m e l l o w e d since the K n o w l e d g e tree was shaken,
A l i the ologies o f the colleges, ali the isms o f the schools,
A l i the unassorted knowledges she assorts b y C u t t e r s rules;
O r tags u p o n each a u t h o r i n large labels t h a t are gluey
T h e i r place i n T h o u g h t ' s great Pantheon i n decimais o f D e w e y ;
O h , j o y ! t o see the L i b r a r y staff p e r p e t u a l l y j o g g i n g ,
A n d t o see the Cataloger i n the act o f cataloging.
The Childrens Librarian
b y Sam W a l t e r Foss
( F r o m Foss, The Song ofthe

Library

Staff

[ N e w Y o r k : J o h n A . A n d e r s o n , 1906.])
See the C h i l d r e n s gay L i b r a r i a n ! O h , w h a t boisterous joys are hers
A s she sits u p o n her w h i r l - s t o o l , t h r o n e d a m i d her worshippers,
G u i d i n g youngsters seeking w i s d o m t h r o u g h t h o u g h t ' s m i s t y m o r n i n g l i g h t ;
Separating T o m a n d B i l l y as t h e y c l i n c h i n deadly

fight;

G i v i n g l a v a t o r y t r e a t m e n t t o the l i t t l e h a n d t h a t smears
W i t h the soil o f crusted strata l a i d b y i m m e m o r i a l years;
T e a c h i n g c r i t i c a i a c u m e n t o the youngsters m u n c h i n g candy,
T o w h o m b o o k s are a l i t w o classes-they are either " b u m " or " d a n d y " ;
D e a l i n g o u t t o R u t h s a n d Susies, o r t o T o m s a n d D i c k s a n d H a r r i e s ,
B o o k s o n I n d i a n s o r Elsie, great b i g bears, o r l i t t l e fairies.
For the C h i l d r e n s gay L i b r a r i a n passes o u t w i t h equal pains
B o o k s o n I n d i a n s or Elsie, satisfying h u n g e r i n g brains;
D e a l i n g I n d i a n s or Elsie, each a c c o r d i n g t o his need,
Satisfying l o n g , l o n g longings for an i n t e l l e c t u a l feed.
T h e Head Librarian
b y Sam W a l t e r Foss
( F r o m Foss, The Song ofthe

Library

Staff

[ N e w Y o r k ; J o h n A . A n d e r s o n , 1906.])
N o w m y M u s e prepare for business. P l u m e y o u r w i n g s for l o f t i e r f l i g h t
T h r o u g h the c i r c u m a m b i e n t ether t o a super l u n a r h e i g h t ,
T h e n a d o w n the empyrean f r o m the heights where t h o u hast risen
Sing, O M u s e ! T h e H e a d L i b r a r i a n a n d the j o y that's h e r ' n o r h i s ' n .
See h i m , see her, his o her head w e i g h t e d w i t h the lore o f t i m e ,
T r y i n g t o expend a d o l l a r w h e n he o n l y has a d i m e ;
T a i l o r i n g a p p r o p r i a t i o n s - a n d h o w d e f t l y he succeeds,

97

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n
F i t t i n g his p o o r t h o u s a n d dollars t o his m i l l i o n d o l l a r needs.
H o w tie glad b o o k agents cheer h i m - a n d he c a n n o t w i s h t h e m fewer
W i t h " h e i r greatest w o r k yet p u b l i s h e d since the d a w n o f l i t e r a t u r e . "
A n d he k n o w s another agent, c h a m p i n g restive to b e g i n
W i t h a n o t h e r w o r k s t i l l greater w i l l i m m e d i a t e l y come i n .
So p e r f e c t i o n o n p e r f e c t i o n f o l l o w s more a n d m o r e sublime
A n d the l i n e keeps o n forever d o w n the avenues o f t i m e So t h e y travei o n forever, s t t e t c h i n g far b e y o n d o u r k e n ,
L i f t i n g d e m i j o h n s o f w i s d o m to the t h i r s t y lips o f m e n .
See h i m ' m i d his m y r i a d v o l u m e s l i s t e n i n g t o the gladsome d i n
O f the l o u d v o c i f e r a m p u b l i c t h a t n o b o o k is ever " i n " ;
A n d he hears the fierce taxpayer evermore l i f t u p the s h o u t
T h a t the b o o k he needs forever is the b o o k forever " o u t . "
How

t h e y rage, the n u m e r o u s sinners, w h e n he tries t o please the saints,

W h e n he tries t o please the sinners hear the n u m e r o u s saints' c o m p l a i n t s

A n d some w a n t a B o w d l e r e d H e m a n s a n d an expurgated W a t t s ;
Some are shocked b e y o n d expression at the sight o f n a k e d t h o u g h t s ,
A n d he smooths t h e i r f u r the r i g h t way, a n d he placates h i m or her,
A n d those w h o come t o snarl a n d scratch r e m a i n b e h i n d t o p u r r .
O h , the gamesome glad L i b r a r i a n g u s h i n g w i t h his g u r g l i n g glee!
H e r e I h a n d m y r e s i g n a t i o n , - ' tis a t h e m e t o o b i g f o r m e .
T h e Librarians' O m a r
With apologies

to the original

and to recent eminent

revisions

Author unknown
( F r o m The Library

Journal,

v. 2 8 , n o . 3, M a r c h 1903, p. 113.)

L o o k at the P u b l i c ali a b o u t us, " L o ,

G i v e us o u r B o o k s , " t h e y cry, " a n d do n o t b l o w
A b o u t S e l f - C u l t u r e . A i n t C o r e l l i Grand?
A n d H a l l Caine's most as Fine as E.P. R o e . "
Some f o r the Tale t h a t Is N o t plead i n v a i n ,
Some o f the Tale t h a t Is i n W r a t h c o m p l a i n .
O n e says, T d l i k e t h a t Elsie b o o k b y H o l m e s , "
T h e n weeps t o find i t i s n t M a r y Jane.
Each w e e k its grist o f V o l u m e s b r i n g s , t h e y say
Yes, b u t where shelve the B o o k s o f Yesterday?
A n d t h o u g h w e choose the l i v i n g f r o m the dead,
T i m e l i t t l e heeds o u r wisest "yes" or "nay."
T h e W o m e n s C l u b s w e set o u r Hearts u p o n ,
A r m e d w i t h o u r L a r n e d , Poole, a n d L e x i c o n ,
Set H o m e r i n his place, a n d c a l m l y t u r n
F r o m M o d e r n Painters t o T h e M a s t o d o n .
A n d she w h o serious Research W o r k essays,
A n d she w h o cribs f r o m C h a m b e r s ' B o o k o f Days
A l i k e w i t h c a l m self-satisfaction hears
H e r f e l l o w members' d u l c e t w o r d s o f praise
W h e t h e r i n P i t t s b u r g h or i n Kankakee
W h e t h e r o u r selves are H o m e m a d e o r L . B . ,
W e need M o r e B o o k s , M o r e R o o m , a n d ever strive
98

7. Songs and Poems About and for

Librarians

T o m a k e O n e D o l l a r do the w o r k o f T h r e e .
T h i n k , at each Conference o f the A . L . A .
H o w Earnest W o r k e r s ali the l i v e l o n g day
I n s p i r e , I n s t r u c t a n d A r g u e ! E v ' n at n i g h t
T h e M o o n gives I n s p i r a t i o n t o o , t h e y say.
To I n c u n a b u l a one gives his Z e a l ,
To one the C h i l d r e n s R o o m alone is Real
W h a t m a t t e r Diverse Paths, so t h a t they lead
Each one a l i t t l e nearer T h e Ideal?
T h e Reference L i b r a r i a n
b y Sam W a l t e r Foss
( F r o m Foss, Song ofthe

Library

Staff

[ N e w Y o r k : J o h n A . A n d e r s o n , 1906.])
See t h e Reference L i b r a r i a n a n d the joys t h a t a p p e r t a i n t o her;
W h o shall estimate the contents a n d the area o f the b r a i n to her?
See the people seeking w i s d o m f r o m the f o u r w i n d s ever b l o w n to her,
For t h e y k n o w there is n o k n o w l e d g e k n o w n t o mortais b u t is k n o w n t o
See this flower o f perfect k n o w l e d g e , b l o o m i n g l i k e a l u s h g e r a n i u m ,
A l i c o n v e r g i n g rays o f w i s d o m focused j u s t beneath her c r a n i u m ;
She is stufFed w i t h e r u d i t i o n as y o u ' d stufF a leather c u s h i o n ,
A n d her w i s d o m is her specialty-it's m a r k e t i n g her m i s s i o n .
H o w t h e y t h r o n g t o her, ali e m p t y , g r o v e l l i n g i n t h e i r insufficience;
H o w they come f r o m her, o e r f l o o d e d b y the sea o f her omniscience!
A n d t h e y k n o w she k n o w s she k n o w s t h i n g s , - w h i l e she drips
her learned theses
T h e percentage o f i l l i t e r a c y p e r c e p t i b l y decreases.
A n d , they k n o w she k n o w s she k n o w s t h i n g s , a n d her l o o k is e d u c a t i o n ;
A n d t o l o o k at her is c u l t u r e , a n d t o k n o w her is salvation.
A Parallel
by H e n r y T. Coutts
( F r o m C o u t t s , Library

Jokes and

Jottings

[ N e w Y o r k : H . W . W i l s o n , 1914.])
L i f e is a v o l u m e , so they say,
A n d each page i n i t is a day.
" T w e e n covers a l i o u r days w e c r o w d ;
T h e b l a n k e t first, a n d last the s h r o u d .
G l u e d t o the " r o u n d " w e crease a n d fray,
Some leaves a n d sections break away.
I n paper, c l o t h , or leather dressed,
T h e shoddiest b i n d i n g l o o k s the best.
Some b u t as p a m p h l e t s t h e y go h o m e ,
A n d some a t h i c k a n d heavy t o m e .
B u t few, or t h i c k , or t h i n , I w e e n ,
S h o w b i n d i n g s o u n d a n d pages clean.
Dog-eared and t o r n , and rubbed and w a n ,
W e meet the Great L i b r a r i a n .
Ranged o n his sleeves, a battered crew,
F i t for the dust-heap, I a n d y o u .

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Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n
T h e Passionate L i b r a r i a n t o H i s L o v e
by E d m u n d Lester Pearson
( F r o m Pearson, The Secret

Book

[ N e w Y o r k : M a c m i l l a n , 1914, p p . 111-112.])
C o m e live w i t h m e a n d be m y love,
A n d we w i l l d w e l l - o h , far above
T h e silly m u l t i t u d e w h o feed
O n n o v i s , a n d w h o fiction read.
For ali day l o n g w e ' l l sit a n d pore
U p o n the v e r y dryest l o r e ;
Some ancient gray-beard shall dispense us
T h e latest v o l u m e s o f the Census.
A n d I , ah I ! w i l l h o l d o u r h a n d
A n d sing y o u songs o f S a m a r c a n d T h e n y o u shall softly read t o m e
F r o m D r . Ploetz' " E p i t o m e . "
W h e n t h r o u g h the fields o f daisies w i d e
W e s t r o l l together, side b y side,
I ' l l b i n d y o u r brows w i t h p i n k carnations
A n d read y o u f r o m the " W e a l t h o f N a t i o n s . "
E a c h m o n t h H l b r i n g , m y love t o y o u ,
T h e N o r t h A m e r i c a n Review,
N o r , sweetheart, shall y o u ever lack
For W h i t a k e r ' s great A l m a n a c k !
W h y , Spencer, K a n t , J o h n Stuart M i l l T h e y ali await y o u r w o r d a n d w i l l ;
L e t m e obey y o u r fads a n d w h i m s
A n d get y o u Cushing's " A n o n y m s . "
I n w i n t e r w h e n the n i g h t s are c o o l
T h e " I n d e x " m a d e b y D r . Poole
Shall give y o u j o b , m y dearest d o v e So live w i t h m e a n d be m y love!
T h e Reference L i b r a r i a n
b y E d m u n d Lester Pearson
( F r o m Pearson, The Secret

Book

[ N e w Y o r k : M a c m i l l a n , 1914, p p . 187-188.])
A t times b e h i n d a desk he sits,
A t times a b o u t the r o o m he

flits,

Folks i n t e r r u p t his perfect ease

B y asking questions such as these;
" H o w t a l l was p r e h i s t o r i c m a n ? "
" H o w o l d , I pray, was Sister A n n ? "
" W h a t s h o u l d one do i f cats have

fits?"

" W h a t w o m a n first i n v e n t e d m i t t s ? "

" W h o said ' T o labor is t o pray'?"
" H o w m u c h d i d D a n i e l Lambert weigh?"
" D o n t y o u a d m i r e E.P. Roe?"
" W h a t is the fare to K o k o m o ? "
100

7. Songs and Poems About

and for

Librarians

" H a v e y o u a life o f Sairy G a m p ? "

" C a n y o u lend me a postage stamp?"

" H a v e y o u the rhymes o f E d w a r d Lear?"
" W h a t wages d o t h e y give y o u here?"
" W h a t d i c t i o n a r y is the best?"
" D i d B r u m m e l wear a satin vest?"
" H o w do y o u spell 'anaemic,' please?"
" W h a t is a G o r g o n z o l a cheese?"
" W h o f e r r i e d souls across the Styx?"
" W h a t is the square o f 96?"
"Are oysters g o o d t o eat i n M a r c h ? "
"Are green bananas f u l i o f starch?"
" W h e r e is t h a t b o o k I used t o see?"
" I guess y o u d o n t remember me?"
" H a f y o u D e r Hohenzollernspiel?"
" W h e r e shall I p u t this apple peei?"
" O u est, r n s i e u , la grande Larousse?"
" D o y o u say ' w o - s p o t , ' o r the deuce'?"
" C o m e , find m y b o o k , - w h y make a r o w ? "
" A red o n e , - c a n t y o u find i t

nowT

"Please, w h i c h is r i g h t : t o ' l e n d ' or 'loan'?"

"Say, m i s t e r , where's the telephone?"
" H o w do y o u use this catalogue?"
" O h , hear t h a t noise! Is t h a t m y dog?"
" H a v e y o u a b o o k called 'Shapes o f Fear'?"
"You m i n d i f I leave Baby here?"
K o - K o ' s Song i n " T h e M i k a d o U p t o D a t e "
by Paul H e r r i n g
( F r o m H e r r i n g , The Librarian,

v. 3, n o . 3, O c t o b e r 1912.)

T h e r e are some people l i v i n g w h o , I e n t e r t a i n a h o p e ,

W i l l eventually dangle f r o m a b i t o f h e m p e n r o p e .
There's the fiend w h o fills o u r magazines w i t h "puffs" o f someone's
I V e g o t him o n m y list I V e g o t him o n m y list.
There's the waggish y o u n g l i b r a r i a n w h o k n o w s t o o m u c h b y half,
Classes Smiles a n d T h e i r s together, a n d i n hopes t o get a l a u g h ,
Puts Bacon, b o u n d i n p i g s k i n , o n a shelf w i t h L a m b , i n c a l f H e never w i l l be missed he really w o n ' t be missed.
T h e r e s the discontented reader w h o sends letters t o the press,
A n d i n v a r i a b l y d o e s n t p u t his name a n d his address,
T h o u g h at his p e r s o n a l i t y w e can generally guessI've got him o n m y list he's d o w n u p o n m y list.
A n d the c a t a l o g u i n g faddist, w h o d e c l a r i n g e v e r y t h i n g
Is q u i t e an easy m a t t e r i f t o r u l e o f t h u m b y o u c l i n g ,
Puts "Sesame a n d L i l l i e s " u n d e r " m a r k e t - g a r d e n i n g , "
I ' m sure he w o u l d n t be missed he never w o u l d be missed.
There's the f e l l o w w h o ' d be " f a v o u r e d " w i t h a " s i t " u p o n o u r staff;
T h e m a n w h o sends y o u "poems" a n d inscribes his a u t o g r a p h :
A n d t h a t t e r r i b l e affliction t h a t the c o m i c paper c h a f f 101

Casanova Was a L i b r a r i a n
T h e lady novelist I V e got her o n m y list.
There s the amateur c o l e c t o r w h o w i l i d r o p a q u i e t h i n t
T h a t he p i c k e d a l u c k y " f i n d " u p w h e n y o u passed i t ; w h i c h he d i d n t A n d the b i n d e r w h o w i l l g u i l l o t i n e deep d o w n i n t o the p r i n t They'11 presently be missed they'11 ali o f e m be missed.
He w i l l have t h e m b y a n d by.
T h e Discovery
b y R o n Barnes. 2 0 0 6 .
A b o y sat q u i e t , small a n d s t i l l ,
His m o m watched through a w i n d o w still,
She saw his face a n d k n e w the l o o k ;
H e r c h i l d was t r a v e l i n g t h r o u g h a b o o k
T i m e after t i m e , his m o m w o u l d say,
"It's nice outside! G o o u t a n d play!
There's life a n d laughter i n the s u n A b o y y o u r age s h o u l d p l a y a n d r u n ! "
How

o f t he'd heard his mother's p i t c h ,

Yet i n his m i n d r e m a i n e d an i t c h
A hunger deep, the need t o k n o w ,
D e s p i t e his y o u t h the need d i d g r o w
T h e questions h o w his t h o u g h t s d i d r u n !
How

far the moon? H o w h o t the sun?

How

does the b u m b l e b e e take

How

soft the clouds? H o w d a r k the night?

Who
And

flight?

w r o t e the themes o f his favorite stories

filled

his m i n d w i t h allegories?

G u l l i v e r s Traveis? T h e Brothers G r i m m ?
A Christmas Carol w i t h T i n y Tim?
Who

w r o t e the B i b l e , filled its pages?

Who

p u t zoo animais i n t h e i r cages?

Who

w r o t e the dreams t h a t filled his head,

p u t monsters u n d e r n e a t h his bed?

H i s m o m sighed deep, yet she was wise,
she saw desire i n his eyes
a n d k n e w the h u n g e r o f his m i n d ;
there was a treasure he m u s t

find

N e x t m o r n i n g m o m h a d f o r m e d her p l a n ,
A t r i p designed f o r her y o u n g m a n
T o gain w h a t caused his m i n d t o g r o w
A n d he, t h o u g h y o u n g , desired t o k n o w
T h e b u i l d i n g , q u a i n t a n d somewhat s m a l l ,
h a d w o o d a n d b r i c k along the w a l l ,
Its w o o d e n doors were o p e n e d w i d e
i n v i t i n g h i m t o l o o k inside
H e stepped w i t h i n t o spy the l a n d
w h i l e h o l d i n g t i g h t his mother's h a n d ,
H e gave his m o m i n q u i r i n g l o o k s A n d t h e n his eyes fell o n the b o o k s

102

7. Songs and Poems About and for

Librarians

H i s heart is s t i l l e d b y w h a t he sees;
T h i s l a n d h a d b o o k s l i k e f r u i t o n trces!
T h e rows were l o n g , the shelv ing t a l l ,
W i t h endless b o o k s along the w a l l
T h e smell o f pages filled the air,
attesting to the w r i t i n g s there
a n d l i t e r a r y treasures d e e p all t h a t he f o u n d was his to keep
" W h a t is this place?" H e asked w i t h awe,
s t i l l w o n d e r i n g at the b o o k s he saw,
H i s m o m t h e n w h i s p e r e d i n his ear,
" T h e l i b r a r y y o u r e w e l c o m e d here.
"There's k n o w l e d g e here f o r y o u to gather,
B o o k s t o read, or i f you'd rather
use c o m p u t e r s , t h e y w i l l let
Y o u research o n the I n t e r n e t . "
N o w every week, for hours o n end,
H e t o o k his h u n g e r a n d w o u l d spend
Some t i m e inside the l i b r a r y
E n j o y i n g this great discovery
T h e t r i p s he t o o k ! T h e stories read!
W i t h m a n y tales he filled his head,
H e learned o f k n o w l e d g e deep a n d fair,
A n d never left his reading chair
T h e r e was t i m e to r u n a n d t i m e to play,
B u t t w i c e a week he'd spend a day
I n b o o k - f i l l e d corners where he'd

find

A q u i e t place t o feed his m i n d .

Books of Library Poems

For more poems about librarians, be sure to check out Overdue Notice: Poems
from the Library by David Drake (McFarland, 1995). Containing almost 200 poems,
the book offers poems about librarians, patrons, libraries, books and more. Whether
you need a poem for a retirement, for the Friends o f the Library, for story hour, or
rhe bookmobile, this book is the place to find what youre looking for.
A n d i f you just cant get enough library poetry to feed your soul, you should
also look for Each ofUs Is a Book: Poems for the Library Minded (McFarland, 2003),
also written by David Drake.

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