RESPONSE TO: WEAK COMMUNICATOR

Response To: Weak Communicator

Gianna Sollitto
Bryant University

RESPONSE TO: WEAK COMMUNICATOR

Abstract
In this letter to Weak Communicator, issues surrounding negative relational maintenance
behaviors are addressed. Topics such as I-statements and love languages are discussed, as well as
alexithymia and marital satisfaction, and attachment type.

RESPONSE TO: WEAK COMMUNICATOR

Dear Friend,
I would like to start by saying that, for the purpose of this letter, I have made the
assumption that you are a female in a heterosexual relationship. If my assumption is wrong, I
sincerely apologize and hope not to offend in any way. The sources I have used cite heterosexual
relationships, and the research may vary for other relationship types.
I would also like to start by saying that from your letter, you sound like a very intelligent
person who has the ability to read relationships well. You also sound extremely self-aware
(perhaps to a fault). Just from figuring this out about you, I know that you have the ability to
resolve this issue.
I can really relate to your situation. For a long period in my life (and still today)
confrontation has been a pain point for me. I too am in a relationship with someone who has
difficulty handling confrontation. He too would shut down at the first sign of an argument. I
remember the first real argument we got in. Although I dont remember what it was about, I
remember him just walking away and that completely infuriated me. I was sleeping at his house
that night, so he had to come back and confront me, but I remember not resolving the issue
entirely. We have been dating for two years, and have worked past the shutting down during
arguments issue, so I know it can be done. Im not sure to what extent your boyfriend will avoid
conflict, but I simply sat down with my boyfriend and said to him, It upsets me when you walk
away during arguments. I feel like it shows that you dont care about my feelings. The use of I
messages or I statements (statements where you put the responsibility on yourself) is
something I use a lot (with my boyfriend especially) and have found it to be very beneficial. He
is much more receptive to what I have to say when I take responsibility for the statement in that

RESPONSE TO: WEAK COMMUNICATOR

way. (This is a great resource about I statements:

http://www.austincc.edu/colangelo/1318/istatements.htm)
I found a few studies that I think are relevant to your situation. The first is a study by
Goodboy and Bolkman entitled, Attachment and the Use of Negative Relational Maintenance
Behaviors in Romantic Relationships that examines the link between attachment style and
negative relational maintenance behaviors in relationships. The study suggests that those with the
fearful-avoidant or dismissive attachment style have a negative working model of others, and
are thus more likely to engage in negative relational maintenance behaviors. Preoccupieds too
are likely to engage in such negative maintenance behaviors due to their desire to be accepted.
The urge to remain somewhat detached from a relational partner would likely mean dismissive
types engage in acts negative relational maintenance to keep their distance. Fearful-avoidants as
well are likely to engage in negative relational maintenance behaviors because they do not
manage conflict well or communicate positively. These hypotheses proved true after data from
the questionnaires were collected and analyzed. (Goodboy, A. K., & Bolkan, S., 2011)
From your letter and the negative maintenance behaviors you mentioned, I would guess
that you are likely a fearful-avoidant attachment type, or preoccupied. (Dont worry, Im a
preoccupied type, so dont feel alone.) I make this assumption because you worry about being
seen as crazy or vulnerable by your boyfriend. (And believe me, Ive had the same worries. My
therapist knows all about that!) I would also assume that your boyfriend is either a preoccupied
or fearful-avoidant as well. This is probably why youre engaging in such negative relational
maintenance behaviors like ignoring conflict. This can definitely be dealt with, but it will take
some work! Like I said, Im a preoccupied, and my boyfriend is secure, borderline fearful-

RESPONSE TO: WEAK COMMUNICATOR

avoidant and weve found ways to adapt. On my part, I saw an amazing cognitive behavioral
therapist.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is defined by Google as a type of psychotherapy in
which negative patterns of thought about the self and the world are challenged in order to alter
unwanted behavior patterns or treat mood disorders such as depression. I would tell my
therapist the issues that bothered me, and we would break down and really analyze what lead me
to think this way. He also gave me tricks and ways to avoid these negative thoughts and
behaviors. It completely changed my way of thinking, and all of my relationships have been so
much better for it. If youre local, theres a Providence CBT group called RICBT (Rhode Island
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and theyre amazing. They do individual and couple sessions. I
think you and perhaps even your boyfriend would really benefit from seeing someone there.
I also want to say, theres no shame in seeing a therapist! Youd go to physical therapy
when you need to work on something in your body its no different when its something
mental. And I promise your boyfriend wont see you as crazy if you voice your concerns. A
cognitive behavioral therapist (or, any therapist! Many therapists use techniques from CBT) will
be able to tell you better than I, but the only thing your boyfriend will see you as is a girlfriend
who is committed to making this relationship last when you voice your concerns. Sometimes I
end disagreements with my boyfriend with, I only brought up because I am completely
committed to this relationship and want to ensure it is the best it can be and that seems to
comfort him.
On a related note, I found a scholarly article on alexithymia which I thought was very
relevant to your situation. Alexithymia, as defined by the study, is a psychological construct
where an individual is less skilled at understanding and communicating emotions, and I think

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this might be something you identify with. The study sought to determine the relationship
between alexithymia and marital quality. The study concluded that alexithymic tendencies
negatively affected perceived relationship quality. Most interestingly, the study also concluded
that participants alexithymic tendencies negatively affected their own tendencies to engage in
positive relational maintenance behaviors. (Hesse, C., Pauley, P. M., & Frye-Cox, N. E., 2015)
There are so many resources out there about how to deal with alexithymic tendencies! I
did a quick Google search and it yielded so many results that might be helpful for you. But again,
I think ultimately no one can help you like a professional can. Your boyfriend sounds like he too
would benefit from seeing a professional. In addition, I truly hope that me suggesting that you
see a therapist for this issue is not taken offensively. I regularly see a therapist and it has
improved my relationships with others and with myself incredibly. I really stand by the idea that
there should be no negative stigma surrounding trying to better yourself, in any way!
There are small ways you can express emotions too, which might not make you super
uncomfortable. Im happy to see you is an example. Being able to identify how you feel is the
first step to being able to verbalize it, and seemingly small statements like that are a good
gateway to being able to talk about your emotions on a larger scale. Try incorporating more
statements like this into your everyday conversations with everyone you encounter. Not only will
this get you more comfortable talking about your emotions, it will make others feel happy and
close to you.
My boyfriend also has difficulty verbally expressing his emotions. This used to really
bother me, and make me wonder if he really cared about me, as I had been with very verbally
affectionate people in the past. It took me probably a solid year to get used to this completely. He
really only expresses his emotions during special moments. While Im someone who will shower

RESPONSE TO: WEAK COMMUNICATOR

you in compliments 24/7, Ive now realized he shows his affection in other ways and uses verbal
affection more sparingly. It took my boyfriend 6 months to tell me he loved me he had to make
sure the moment was special enough. I took the 5 Love Languages quiz, and my results were
quality time as my first and words of affirmation as my second. Its important to recognize
the differences in how people show affection. Since finding out about the 5 Love Languages, its
made me start to notice the ways not only my boyfriend shows love, but other people in my life
too. My boyfriend shows love by affectionate touch and quality time. Words of affirmation are
far down on his list, and thats okay, because Ive became more observant of when he stops what
hes doing to spend time with me, or by the way he touches my arm. While you might not be able
to force your boyfriend to take the quiz, if you recognize that people might love you but simply
display it differently, it might put you more at ease. The quiz can be found here:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
I really, really hope some of the suggestions Ive made can be of use to you. I am truly
rooting for you, and would love to chat with you further about this if youre comfortable. Of
course, this will be kept between us. If youd like to talk to someone honest and unbiased, my
email address is gsollitto@bryant.edu.

Sincerely,
A new friend

RESPONSE TO: WEAK COMMUNICATOR

References
Goodboy, A. K., & Bolkan, S. (2011). Attachment and the Use of Negative Relational
Maintenance Behaviors in Romantic Relationships. Communication Research
Reports, 28(4), 327-336. doi:10.1080/08824096.2011.616244
Google. (n.d.). Cognitive behavioral therapy. Retrieved April 12, 2016, from
https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF8#q=cognitive behavioral therapy
Hesse, C., Pauley, P. M., & Frye-Cox, N. E. (2015). Alexithymia and Marital Quality: The
Mediating Role of Relationship Maintenance Behaviors. Western Journal of
Communication, 79(1), 45-72. doi:10.1080/10570314.2014.943418
I-Statements. (n.d.). Retrieved April 12, 2016, from
http://www.austincc.edu/colangelo/1318/istatements.htm
Love Language Profile for Couples. (n.d.). Retrieved April 12, 2016, from
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/