K.B.

Hom
COMM-2110-002
Gabriela Valdez
November 25, 2016

Final Report on Relational Change Project

Overview
As it is stated on our reference book of interpersonal communication it
is impossible not to communicate with others (Beebe, 2014, p. 2) this
means we are constantly communicating with each other even when we
dont know were doing it or when we dont use words for that matter. The
area of communications is so extensive that I have found at least one
communication pattern in every chapter that I wish to change. But lets stick
to the original proposal, which was to overcome the bad habit of talking over
people. I have this heinous pattern of interrupting people when they talk,
especially family and friends. With stranger, Im more respectful. It seems
like the closest the relationship is, the more frequent I interrupt the
conversation. Ive been closely following the book and the teacher lectures,
her advices, tips and suggestions to overcome bad listening habits. The most
important advance I made in braking this practice is that Ive became more
aware of this habit and how bad makes me look in front of people. My goal is
to develop high quality interpersonal relationships with family, friends, coworkers, classmates and achieve a state of confidence that allows me to feel

better with myself. I understand that interpersonal communications are

governed by rules that I need to follow if I want long lasting and positive
relationships in my life (Beebe, 2014, p. 13). Im also aware that to achieve
this goal I need to become more other oriented when listening others.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

I must admit that I have the bad habit of interrupting people when they
are talking. Its really annoying and I feel embarrassed by it. I find myself
cutting people off when theyre speaking. Although Im more aware of it now
I havent yet master the techniques of good listening behavior. When I am in
such situations I dont intent to be rude or disrespectful; I just seem to think
that I know what they mean and dont need clarifications. I just start talking
in my head to myself and then just let it all out without any further
consideration for my partner. I get so caught up in my own thoughts that I
unintentionally stop listening and start talking over that person without
paying any attention whatsoever if he or she has finishes his/ her point. It is
awful I now, every time I feel like a complete idiot that cannot kept her
mouth shut.
I dont really know where this bad habit come from but I know that it is
disrespectful and I need to change it. I tend to show this pattern among
people I know well, I rarely interrupt someone I just met. It could be because
I feel more comfortable with the first ones and I dont mind much speaking

my mind with them. On the other hand, with new people I need to save face
and show a nicer me instead. I tend act like I know better, I always have an
opinion of everything and of course I want to share it right away. When I have
some anecdote or fact to tell about something that we are talking about Im
itching to say what I want to say, I cant wait. I feel that I might forget my
point later. There are times when Ive been egocentric, I became selfabsorbed and diminished the other persons intentions.
Following are some examples:
1) One day after a class I found and old friend in the college parking
lot. Obviously, we started filling each other out about last events. We're are
about the same age and our kids used to be best friends. After a few minutes
into the conversation I again began to show this pattern of interrupting
people when they talk. I cut her off many times while she was telling me the
latest about her daughters. I was so eager to tell her about mine too. It
seemed that I couldn't wait until she finished one point that I was already
jumping in with my comments. After she left we promised each other to see
again and maybe grab a coffee and talk more. She was very nice and I was
pleased to find someone I knew, but I was so unhappy with my behavior. I
couldve be more respectful and show more consideration, instead I rushed
into telling her how things were going in my life. I hope I have another
chance to amend this situation.

2) I usually spend holidays at my brother's house and some in-laws will

come too. This was Thanksgiving Day. When the after-dinner conversation
began my brother and his sister-in-law were talking about childhood
memories. They were both telling some mischievous situations and were
laughing at them. My brother told a story when he felt out of a tree in my
grandmothers house and lost consciousness. One of my cousins was there
and run to tell my mom what happened. I was with my mom at that moment
so I didn't see the accident but I've heard that story so many times that it
feels I was there too. Before my brother finished his story, I began talking
over, and added some details too. I shouldve wait until he was done with his
part but I couldn't help it. My sister-in-law mentioned something about my
interruption and I felt really embarrassed.
3) Another embarrassing situation happened not long ago at one of my
friend's house. She invited me to a gathering she was having with other
friends I never met before. She introduced me a woman and we began
sharing information about our respective countries. We were having a good
time getting to know each other. But the moment came when I cut her off
and I did the same thing a few more times while she was talking. When I
came back home I reflected on what happened on that evening. I could tell
that I wasnt my best because of the feelings of shame and regret.

Strategies

I chose this particular habit to work on, because it is one that I see
myself constantly doing it. When it seems Im having a nice chat with
someone it is almost sure that at some point I will interrupt that person and
express my own points of view. Some scholars compare communication
procedure with a tennis game. One person serves and the other waits for the
ball to get close before hitting back or if the receiver knows the ball is not
coming close enough to return the service he will run forward to catch it
before it hits the floor. This analogy can be applied to communication
patterns. One person says something and the other waits for the message to
come. When it arrives he will process it and then responds with an
appropriate answer. There are times when we need to catch the message in
the middle or unfinished, before losing its meaning in the content of the
conversation, as same with run to catch the ball before hits the ground. If the
message seems to make sense we need to let a complete idea to come to
us, evaluate if we need to step forward for an answer of just wait until the full
message hits us in the face. I guess I have no idea how to play tennis nor
how communication rules go because I rarely let my interlocutor finishes
his/her ideas, I feel the urge to step in and complete the idea or even worse
completely change the subject.
The strategies I implemented since I started this challenge was
1) Most of the time I will recognize that I'm doing wrong and I will
make a small pause, I will let my partner to continue. Its a very
awkward situation.

2) If I catch myself interrupting and it is too obvious I will offer an

apology for being rude.
3) Bit my tongue, it may sound silly but if I do this unnoticed every
time I cut someone off in the middle of a conversation I may set up
another pattern. It works as a reminder that Im doing it wrong.
4) Examine people emotions, you can tell a lot by just looking at
somebody non-verbal reactions and if act accordingly I can easily
amend the situation.
5) Improve my listening skills: a) put my thoughts aside.
b) be present mentally and
physically.
c) make conscious, mindful effort to
listen.
d) dont rush the speaker.
e) be open minded and people
oriented. (Beebe, 2014, p. 131).
6) If the message comes too slow I use this time difference between
speech rate and thought rate to mentally summarize the message
and then paraphrase if needed. (Beebe, 2014, p.129).

Constraints
As I mention earlier in this paper Im not exactly aware of what causes
this bad listening habits in me. It could be cultural, because when people
from my own culture meet, we usually speak as we feel like it. There is no
order or rules to follow, only adults have the rights to talk first or interrupt as
much as they please. Also, if there is a big group of people we tend to rise
our voices to listen to each other better and this may seems as if we are

yelling instead. Other reason could be that I always have a comment to

make, I just cant listen and let my friends fill me in, I always have the urge
to say something about almost everything. Other constrain I have, could be
my listening style. Im more a critical listener but I display some analytical
patters too. I tend to focus on the facts and evidence, looking for errors and
inconsistences (Beebe, 2014, p. 123).
Some of the barriers I discovery in my poor listening habits is that
sometimes Im more focused on my personal need than on the others. This is
called self-absorbed listener and may be the reason I have difficult sustaining
the thread of conversation. (Beebe, 2014, p. 127). The authors explain that
this behavior is also known as conversational narcissism because the whole
conversation leans towards the narcissistic needs only.
It can also be the nature of the communication. In interpersonal
communication one alternate between speaking and listening, often we are
thinking of what to say next rather than listening (Beebe, 2014, p.125). This
situation happens with my friend all the time. I cannot tell with details the
whole course of the conversation, I get lost in the middle because my mind
just wanders in thoughts, and what I want to say next. If she could read my
mind she would be even more disappointed. She would be able to see how
much I listened and how much Im talking to myself instead. Luckily, she
cant, she can only infer based on what comes out of my mouth which is
already enough to feel discouraged.

Another possible constrain is that I cant concentrate for longer periods

of time on a single situation. I can pay attention for only a brief period of
time and then I switch to another thought. For instance, when Im reading I
usually associate one situation from the book with another completely
different and my mind wanders. It takes a couple of seconds to realized what
just happened and go back to reading. Same thing happened when I talk and
listen, my mind comes with all kinds of thoughts and I lose what I just heard.
Thats a habit I want to break, I wish I could be more present.
Implementation
To implement some of the new knowledges on communication I just
learned I chose my best friend as a guinea pig for this experiment. She is not
only supportive but understanding, and is not afraid to tell my mistakes.
Sometimes she doesnt even speak, by the look in her face I can tell I did or
say something she wasnt expected. That tells you how much friendship we
share. She is my confident, and we both appreciate each other, I honestly
care for her opinion. For this reason, I decided to work on my listening issues
with her. The first week I decided not to mention about this assignment, I just
tried to be more conscious when I spoke and listened. I found myself several
times cutting my friend off, I felt awkward. One thing is interrupting someone
without consciously knowing youre being rude and another is when you
realized how bad you look by doing it. I didnt know how to continue such an
awkward situation. Before I would finish my point and make a pause so she
could sneak in with another comment. Like if nothing had happened. Now I

try to acknowledge the situation, excuse myself and ask her to continue.
According to the book we sometimes listen better to strangers than to
intimate friends or partners (Beebe, 2014, p. 125). My friend is not the most
patient person in the world but she is definitely patient with me. She put up
with my bad habits and doesnt complaint. She gives me advices in a
motherly way, without disappointment or disapproval. I feel I own her this
change. Im sure we can enjoy each other better if I put in practice what I
had learned throughout this course.
Another situation where I was able to implement those strategies was
in a recent family reunion. We had a delicious dinner and as usual we talked
about different things. This time before I jumped in with my non-solicited
comments I paused for a second and acknowledge the situation. This very
short moment of conscious thinking gave me enough time to realize that I
dont need to interrupt. It was totally fine to wait my turn to talk. Im not sure
if anyone one else noticed my changed but I did and I felt good about myself.
I cant explain why I do what I do but I learned that it is not a proper way to
communicate. It will take time to change habits, especially with family
because they are used to it and we even joke about it. But I want to
challenge myself and develop better listening styles.
Results
As a result of my willingness to change this bad habit of cutting people
off, I noticed I can listened better now. Before I was so eager to talk that I

would lose half of what my partner was saying. Now I use that time in
between listening and talking to mentally paraphrase the other person,
trying to catch as much information as I can. Im attempting to stop mental
distractions and organize my thoughts before speaking. Im also more aware
of my habits because purposefully and consciously I decided to act and
change them. I specifically would remind myself to be conscious of what I
say, to not interrupt and to let people finish their talking. I would repeat
these statements out loud, several times a day as an effort to commit myself
to the change when I listen to someone. I feel more positive, more
comfortable in different scenarios such as with friends and family. Im
working on being other oriented listener and improve relationships. I want to
make sure that they understand that good and healthy relationship is more
important than any point I can ever made. I want my family and friends to
continue being supportive. Although I can recognize some improvements in
my listening style I'm not done changing. There is still a long way to go. I
have some many flaws in my interpersonal communication habits that it will
take time, commitment and patience to reverse years of wrong-doing. As I
went through this course and the book I kind of discovered myself. I found
flaws I didn't even know I had. It's been an interesting experience to realize
that there are different listening styles for different people and cultures. I will
continue to improve my style and keep my focus on becoming a better
listener.
Recommendations

Since Ive been working on my listening skills Ive notice an

improvement on how I feel about myself. I definitely want to continue with
this path, especially with family and close friends, since they are the most
affected by my behavior. Ive learned a good amount of strategies on how to
improve my listening style and how to be other oriented in a conversation.
The book recommends some steps we should take to improve our listening
skills. Some of them are: stop, look and listen. Those are the basics tactics
I'm working on to implement on my regular conversations. If I can just stop
for a second before I interrupt my partner I will have time to reconsider my
thoughts and hopefully don't say anything before my turn comes. The book
also suggest to determine a goal while we are listening, have a purpose for
it. Can be to empathize, to provide emotional support, to achieve an
objective, ect. Whatever the goal is I will be more effective if I put a positive
outcome to the conversation. One way to achieve these intentions is
transforming my barriers into listening goals. For example it would be useful
if I can remind myself before each conversation to be more alert on the
differences between information processing rate and the speaker's verbal
delivery rate. It is also important to be empathic to others, to listen
compassionately, actively and offer sympathy for their feelings. My final
recommendation it is just to be aware of other people listening styles as well.
Adapt to others is another way of being other-oriented.
Works Cited

Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2014. Interpersonal Communication: Relating to

Others. 6th Ed, Boston: Pearson Education, Inc.