In Control or Controlling - How Do You Relate to Teenagers?

An article by Chris Hudson from www.understandingteenagers.com.au/blog

Everywhere you look on the internet there are articles and courses available to enable parents to
control their teenager. There is a lot less material around about being in control as a parent. If
the distinction is lost on you then please read on.

I find it curious that courses and books about relationships, in this case between a parent and their
teenage child, have control as a selling point. I never see marriage books about how to control
your spouse or books titled how to control your friends and influence people. I dont know anyone
who aspires to be in a relationship in which they are controlled by another person.

Come to think of it I find it hard to imagine a scenario where parents say to their teenager When
you grow up you need to find someone who is going to control you? No one wants to be
controlled, nor do we want those who are close to us to be in relationships that involve control
issues.

Why Do We Want To Control Teenagers?

So why is it that when it comes to parenting people think controlling the other person is an
important goal of the relationship?

There are a few obvious reasons:

Parents are responsible for their children. This is is a fundamental truth. Young children are not
able to take responsibility for themselves, so parents seek to intervene and act in ways that
ensure their kids act and behave in appropriate manner.

When raising children it is common for parents to talk about keeping their kids under control.
Usually by this they mean establishing reasonable limits and instilling principles of appropriate
behaviour and respect in their child. Teenagers are still the children of their parents, so the
language carries over from young children to teenagers. So just as we speak of keeping a toddler
under control we speak of keeping a teenager under control.

Parents who are sharing a house with a teenager whose bad behaviour is dominating the life of
every one in the house are looking for a way to fix the problem. They often feel powerless and
confused. Courses that promise to give them control of their teen are attractive because they
tap into the sense of helplessness and powerlessness that these parents feel. People want the
chaos and pain in their lives to stop - courses offering hope in this regard are very attractive.

I get why there are books and courses about controlling your teenager. However are the reasons
for their existence and the proposed solutions really the most helpful way to think about issues of
teenagers and parenting?

Seeking to have strong and heathy relationships with your teenager is perhaps a more helpful
relational goal. Teaching your teens to make wise choices and manage their emotions a better
skill set to aim for parents.

My point is that while parents are responsible for caring for and raising their teenage children, the
language and mindset of controlling another person is prone to creating more problems than it
solves.

Why Being In Control is Better Than Controlling

The reason many parents want to control their teenager is because they are trying to deal with
their own sense of being out of control. Parents can experience significant amounts of stress
because of their teenager. An angry or rebellious teenager can cause a serious amount of pain
and chaos for families.

In the midst of a whirlwind of teen generated havoc parents feel lost and confused. Always trying to
work out he best way to react to situations as they arise, but never sure they are doing the right
thing. No matter what they do things seem to go from bad to worse. Soon it can feel like they are
completely at sea, using all their energy just to keep afloat in the storm of life they find themselves
in.

It is to people who find themselves in this situation, or who are scared of getting into this situation,
that promise of being in control of a teenager is very appealing.

However efforts to overtly control teenagers will usually compound the problem not fix it.

What most parents really want is to feel that they are in control of their ability to parent their
teenager. They want to be confident of their decisions and have a sense of certainty about how
and when to engage with their teenage child. No wants to feel like they are sinking and out of
control, using lots of energy flaying about but all the time getting closer and closer to sinking. We
all prefer to live life feeling we know what we are doing and confident about how to move forward.

Being in control of our own actions and fears is far more important, and in the end effective, than
trying to control others. Parenting from a position of fear, hurt, or anger rarely results in successful
outcomes. Learning to understand and manage our own feelings, motives, and behaviours is by
far the most important parenting skill we can develop.

Let me give an example of what I mean.

You find out your teen has engaged in some high risk behaviour that you have previously
stated is not allowed. This will trigger for most parents feelings of anger (at the
disobedience), disappointment (you expected more from your child) and fear (you instantly
think of the what could harm could have happened).

When feeling angry and scared parents will often seek to punish. The punishment is not
about what is good for the teenager but what pacifies the feelings of anger and fear for the
parent. Unfortunately anger and fear rarely motivate people to understand the situation
better. Instead of finding out why a teen chose to do what they did, they are punished
punitively. Parents justify punishment by saying they need to learn it is wrong or this will
stop them from doing it next time.

Here is the problem: if you dont take time to understand why your teen behaved in that way
your punishment may have no effect at all. You are reacting to a symptom, not addressing
the cause of problem.

The teenager concerned may already know it was wrong to do - that is probably why they did
it. They may have done it as a cry for help because they are in some type of pain, yet as a
parent you have punished. But because you are not in control of your own feelings and
motives you act to care for yourself, not to help your teen.

The result of not being in control of ourselves is that we dont act appropriately. We act to look
after ourselves rather than caring for the other person.

I have lost count of the number of people I have listened to who have been punished and not
listened to when they were in pain. There is a place for punishment, and actions must have
consequences. However if punishment is not proportionate, appropriate, or explained it will be
counter productive. If we do not make an effort to understand why someone has behaved the way
they have then punishing them is all about making ourselves feel better and has little to do with
helping the other person.

If your teen is in pain or confused do they need condemnation or understanding? Indiscriminate

retribution and unexplained harshness will breed the same.

What type of person merely punishes and doesnt assist someone in pain? A person who is not in
control.

Why Controlling Is an Unhelpful Goal When Parenting Teenagers.

One of the most significant tasks of adolescence is for the teenager to establish an identity that is
separate from their parents. This sense of autonomy or independence is crucial to a person
moving from childhood to adulthood. At the end of adolescence an adult is someone who is able
to define themselves as being distinct to their parents. An adult is a person who owns and can take
responsibility for their emotions, their behaviour, their values, and their choices.

The challenge for parents of adolescents is allowing this process to happen. This is no easy task.
However adolescence is like gravity - it is a lot easier to work with it than against it.

Teenagers need to feel like they have control over their life, its natural and right. Parents who
focus on trying to control their teenager are working against this natural process. Sure they can do
it, but it takes a whole lot of effort and can result in some spectacular crashes.

Maybe you are a parent who thinks that you are willing to put in the effort if it means your teenager
is safer, better behaved, and has less chance of getting hurt or making dumb choices. I get that,
we all want to protect our kids - but trying to control teens will not achieve what you hope.

Firstly everyone makes mistakes, its how we learn and grow. No amount of control or supervision
will stop your teen from making mistakes, being disappointed, or being hurt.

Secondly the amount of unnecessary conflict generated by trying to work against the natural need
of teens to make their own choices and develop autonomy will often make life worse not better.
Controlling your teen will set up a permanent power struggle with you and the teen pulling in
different directions. Soon simple tasks and gestures will become sources of conflict and
resentment.

Thirdly how do teenagers learn to make decisions and take responsibility for themselves if it is their
parents who are in the ones in control.

Finally the research confirms that controlling parents produce worse outcomes for their teenagers.
Studies show that this desire to control teenagers will actually produce the results most parents are
trying to avoid.

In a study published in 2009 in the journal Child Development researchers found that teens
interpreted high levels of control as intrusive and as indicating that they
mattered less as individuals.

A study published in Journal of Adolescent Health examined the results of an annual survey of
American teens. The researchers looked at the survey results for 4,980 teens and used a
number of statistical techniques to try to pinpoint the effects of various parenting styles. One of
the findings was that teens seemed to be less sexually active if their parents did not engage in
negative and psychologically controlling behaviors. Researcher Rebekah Levine Coley said
things like eating dinner together as a family or engaging in fun activities or religious activities
together seemed to make sexual activity less likely.
Experience and research demonstrates that if parents have solid respect based relationships with
their teenage children the language of needing to control them becomes redundant.

Towards a Constructive Agenda For Parents of Teenagers

Parents wanting to exercise their responsibility to raise their teenagers well are better served
striving to develop relationships of trust and understanding with their teenager. Teens who feel
safe, secure and loved by their parents are significantly less likely to engage in destructive, risky,
or anti-social behaviour.

Part of these goals do include what the psychologists would label behavioural control strategies.
Behavioural controls are concerned with establishing and maintaining clear boundaries, affirming
appropriate behaviour, responding constructively to inappropriate behaviour, and clearly
communicating expectations. However such strategies make more sense when they form part of
larger relationally based approaches to parenting.

If you are looking to understand how you can have a more positive influence on your teenager
consider the following questions:

Does your teenager know and feel loved by you? Would they say this love is unconditional?

Does you teenager feel safe and secure within your home and family unit?

Does your teenager have a clear understanding of your expectations regarding behaviour? Is
your behaviour consistent with these expectations?

Does your teenager have a forum within the family to express their disagreement or offer
contrary opinions confident they will be heard?

If your teenager was to disclose or confess something they have done that they know you
disapprove of what response would they expect - angry condemnation or concerned desire to
understand?

Do you make time to spend with your teenage on a regular basis? Do you know what interests
your teen?