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our fellow peers and our professor. The conclusion does not do a good job closing the
essay. It is short and doesnt give us much closure. You should consider beefing up the
introduction and conclusion in order to give the paper a more definitive opening and
closing (and to bump the word count up!!!).
This piece of writing is choppy. There is not a lot of flow from paragraph to
paragraph. Each paragraph is completely autonomous and separate from the other.
The sentence structure is also a little choppy. Each paragraph has a simple
introduction to the topic. It gets a little redundant when you use a short sentence at
the beginning of each paragraph to give an explanation of the topic. This is good for
organizational purposes but it makes your writing sound a little robotic and
mechanical. These short sentences at the beginning of the paragraphs also makes the
paper sound much more impersonal than the rest does. It is evident that the author
has prior knowledge or interest in the topic, which I believe is one of the strengths of
this paper. That impersonal aspect of this paper contradicts the personal nature of
other aspects of the paper, such as the author saying I would suggest... Italy.,
which is extremely personal.
The organization and structure of this paper are some of its strongest aspect,
but it is not perfect. The topic of conversation, being the ads for women to become
more fruitful in Italy, is conveyed throughout the essay clearly but is spread out. The
fact that these ads are done out of Italys infertility and Frances alternate approach
should all be together earlier on in the paper. The low birth rate of Italy is addressed
but never expressly said to be the exigency of the document. From what I know, the
birth rate of a lot of European countries, including Italy, is dangerously low and that
poses serious threat to the longevity of these nations. It is never established that this
alternate approach that France is taking can very well be very important to these
countries well-being.
There are some formatting issues in this paper as well. A few of the block
quotes in this paper are a little too small to be block quotes. There are also no in text
citations throughout this whole paper. One other issue I found with this paper,
something that we addressed, is the lack of a title. One segement of this paper I
didnt understand was what immigration has to do with the birth rate of Italy. Also,
the author can change around her wording to include ethos, pathos, and logos into
the paper. Overall, this is a very well written, well organized paper that could use a
little work on the flow and formatting.